diff options
authorVirtualTam2015-07-13 03:33:35 +0200
committerVirtualTam2015-07-13 03:33:35 +0200
commit868f92df0959e8e0ee6ba5bb4da22c5b3778bf55 (patch)
Initial import of montypython
Signed-off-by: VirtualTam <>
3 files changed, 1551 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.SRCINFO b/.SRCINFO
new file mode 100644
index 00000000000..b1b74ac056b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.SRCINFO
@@ -0,0 +1,13 @@
+pkgbase = fortune-mod-montypython
+ pkgdesc = Fortune cookies: Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
+ pkgver = 20140622
+ pkgrel = 1
+ url =
+ arch = any
+ license = custom:PublicDomain
+ depends = fortune-mod
+ source = montypython
+ sha256sums = f884fa7dca1691cd7e55ce40795a34b05cb1f98e1b0c63bb00da00c78d7fd070
+pkgname = fortune-mod-montypython
diff --git a/PKGBUILD b/PKGBUILD
new file mode 100644
index 00000000000..916cbfe89ed
--- /dev/null
@@ -0,0 +1,21 @@
+# Maintainer: VirtualTam <>
+# Contributor: wido <>:
+pkgdesc="Fortune cookies: Monty Python and the Holy Grail."
+build() {
+ strfile ${srcdir}/montypython
+ install -D -m644 ${srcdir}/montypython ${pkgdir}/usr/share/fortune/montypython
+ install -D -m644 ${srcdir}/montypython.dat ${pkgdir}/usr/share/fortune/montypython.dat
diff --git a/montypython b/montypython
new file mode 100644
index 00000000000..95c33297082
--- /dev/null
+++ b/montypython
@@ -0,0 +1,1517 @@
+Scene 1
+ [wind]
+ [clop clop]
+ ARTHUR: Whoa there!
+ [clop clop]
+ GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
+ ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
+ of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
+ of all England!
+ GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
+ ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
+ We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
+ who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
+ and master.
+ GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
+ ARTHUR: Yes!
+ GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'
+ 'em together.
+ ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
+ land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
+ GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
+ ARTHUR: We found them.
+ GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
+ ARTHUR: What do you mean?
+ GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
+ ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
+ or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
+ strangers to our land.
+ GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
+ ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
+ GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
+ ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
+ GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
+ question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
+ coconut.
+ ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
+ that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
+ GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
+ needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
+ ARTHUR: Please!
+ GUARD #1: Am I right?
+ ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
+ GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
+ GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
+ swallow, that's my point.
+ GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
+ ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
+ at Camelot?!
+ GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
+ GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
+ GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
+ [clop clop]
+ GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
+ GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
+ GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
+ GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
+ GUARD #2: Well, why not?
+Scene 2
+ MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ [clang]
+ Bring out your dead!
+ CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
+ DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
+ CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
+ DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
+ MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
+ CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
+ DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
+ MORTICIAN: He isn't.
+ CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
+ DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
+ CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
+ MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
+ DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
+ CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
+ MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
+ DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
+ CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
+ MORTICIAN: I can't.
+ CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
+ be long.
+ MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
+ today.
+ CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
+ MORTICIAN: Thursday.
+ DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
+ CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
+ something you can do?
+ DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
+ [whop]
+ CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
+ MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
+ CUSTOMER: Right.
+ [clop clop]
+ MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
+ CUSTOMER: I don't know.
+ MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
+ MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
+Scene 3
+ [clop clop]
+ ARTHUR: Old woman!
+ DENNIS: Man!
+ ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
+ DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
+ ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
+ DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
+ ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
+ DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
+ ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
+ you looked--
+ DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
+ ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
+ DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
+ exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
+ which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
+ If there's ever going to be any progress--
+ WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
+ ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+ Who's castle is that?
+ WOMAN: King of the who?
+ ARTHUR: The Britons.
+ WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
+ ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
+ WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
+ collective.
+ DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
+ A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
+ WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
+ DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
+ ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
+ in that castle?
+ WOMAN: No one live there.
+ ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
+ WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take
+ it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
+ ARTHUR: Yes.
+ DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
+ at a special biweekly meeting.
+ ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
+ DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
+ ARTHUR: Be quiet!
+ DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
+ ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
+ WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
+ ARTHUR: I am your king!
+ WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
+ ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
+ WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
+ ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
+ [angels sing]
+ her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
+ from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
+ Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
+ [singing stops]
+ That is why I am your king!
+ DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
+ is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power
+ derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
+ aquatic ceremony.
+ ARTHUR: Be quiet!
+ DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
+ just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
+ ARTHUR: Shut up!
+ DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
+ because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
+ put me away!
+ ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
+ DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
+ ARTHUR: Shut up!
+ DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
+ HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
+ ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
+ DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
+ eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
+ you saw it didn't you?
+Scene 4
+ [arg]
+ [ugh]
+ [hah]
+ ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
+ I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+ [pause]
+ I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
+ in my Court of Camelot.
+ [pause]
+ You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
+ [pause]
+ You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
+ ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
+ cross this bridge.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
+ ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
+ BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
+ ARTHUR: So be it!
+ [hah]
+ [parry thrust]
+ [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
+ ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
+ ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
+ BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
+ ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
+ BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
+ ARTHUR: You liar!
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
+ [hah]
+ [parry thrust]
+ [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
+ ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
+ [kneeling]
+ We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
+ [hah]
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
+ ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
+ ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
+ ARTHUR: Look!
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
+ [bang]
+ ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
+ ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
+ [whop]
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
+ ARTHUR: You'll what?
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
+ ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
+ BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
+ ARTHUR: You're a loony.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
+ Have at you! Come on then.
+ [whop]
+ [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
+ BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
+ ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
+ BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
+ bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you.
+ I'll bite your legs off!
+Scene 5
+ CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
+ VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
+ CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
+ BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
+ VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
+ BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
+ WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
+ BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
+ WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
+ CROWD: No, we didn't... no.
+ WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
+ BEDEMIR: Well?
+ VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
+ BEDEMIR: The nose?
+ VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
+ CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
+ BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
+ CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
+ VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
+ BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
+ VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
+ BEDEMIR: A newt?
+ VILLAGER #3: I got better.
+ VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
+ CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
+ BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
+ she is a witch.
+ CROWD: Are there? What are they?
+ BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
+ VILLAGER #2: Burn!
+ CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
+ BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
+ VILLAGER #1: More witches!
+ VILLAGER #2: Wood!
+ BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
+ [pause]
+ VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
+ BEDEMIR: Good!
+ CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
+ BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
+ VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
+ BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
+ VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
+ BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
+ VILLAGER #1: No, no.
+ VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
+ VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
+ CROWD: The pond!
+ BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
+ VILLAGER #1: Bread!
+ VILLAGER #2: Apples!
+ VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
+ VILLAGER #1: Cider!
+ VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
+ VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
+ VILLAGER #2: Mud!
+ VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
+ VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
+ ARTHUR: A duck.
+ CROWD: Oooh.
+ BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
+ VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
+ BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
+ VILLAGER #1: A witch!
+ CROWD: A witch!
+ BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
+ [yelling]
+ BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
+ [whop]
+ [creak]
+ CROWD: A witch! A witch!
+ WITCH: It's a fair cop.
+ CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
+ BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
+ ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+ BEDEMIR: My liege!
+ ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
+ and join us at the Round Table?
+ BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
+ ARTHUR: What is your name?
+ BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
+ ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
+[Narrative Interlude]
+ NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
+ knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
+ Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
+ Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
+ of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
+ and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
+ the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
+ a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
+ the Knights of the Round Table.
+Scene 6
+ BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
+ ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
+ sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
+ BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
+ LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
+ ARTHUR: Camelot!
+ GALAHAD: Camelot!
+ LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
+ PATSY: It's only a model.
+ ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
+ ride... to Camelot.
+ [singing]
+ We're knights of the round table
+ We dance when e'er we're able
+ We do routines and parlour scenes
+ With footwork impecc-Able.
+ We dine well here in Camelot
+ We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
+ [dancing]
+ We're knights of the Round Table
+ Our shows are for-mid-able
+ Though many times we're given rhymes
+ That are quite unsing-able
+ We not so fat in Camelot
+ We sing from the diaphragm a lot
+ [tap-dancing]
+ Oh we're tough and able
+ Quite indefatigable
+ Between our quests we sequin vests
+ And impersonate Clark Gable
+ It's a bit too loud in Camelot
+ I have to push the pram a lot.
+ ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
+ a silly place.
+ Right.
+Scene 7
+ GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
+ there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
+ ARTHUR: Sorry--
+ GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
+ "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
+ doing now!?
+ ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
+ GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
+ depressing. Now knock it off!
+ ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
+ GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
+ Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
+ ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
+ GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
+ Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
+ this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
+ Holy Grail.
+ ARTHUR: A blessing!
+ LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
+ GALAHAD: God be praised!
+Scene 8
+ [clop clop]
+ ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
+ GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
+ ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
+ Table. Who's castle is this?
+ GUARD: This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?)
+ ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
+ with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the
+ night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
+ GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
+ Uh, he's already got one, you see?
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
+ ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
+ GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards] I told him we already got one.
+ OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
+ ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
+ GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
+ ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
+ GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
+ silly king!
+ GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
+ GUARD: Mind your own business!
+ ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
+ by force!
+ GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
+ bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
+ Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
+ GALAHAD: What a strange person.
+ ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
+ GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
+ food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother
+ was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
+ GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
+ GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
+ ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
+ GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
+ wha?
+ GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
+ [moo]
+ ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
+ [twong]
+ [mooooooo]
+ Jesus Christ!
+ Right! Charge!
+ ALL: Charge!
+ [mayhem]
+ GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
+ [twong]
+ ALL: Run away!
+ GUARD: Thpppt!
+ LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
+ ARTHUR: No no, no.
+ BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
+ [later]
+ [chop]
+ [mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
+ [rumble rumble squeak]
+ MUTTERING GUARDS: ce labon a bunny do
+ wha?
+ un cadeau?
+ a present!
+ oh, un cadeau.
+ oui oui hurry!
+ wha-?
+ let's go!
+ [rumble rumble squeak]
+ ARTHUR: What happens now?
+ BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
+ and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise --
+ not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
+ ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
+ BEDEMIR: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
+ and uh....
+ ARTHUR: Oh....
+ BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
+ [twong]
+ ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
+ [splat]
+ GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw.
+Scene 9
+ Pictures for Schools, take 8.
+ DIRECTOR: Action!
+ NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
+ King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
+ by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
+ was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
+ to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest
+ knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
+ individually. Now, this is what they did--
+ [tromp tromp]
+ [slash]
+ WOMAN: Greg!
+Scene 10
+ NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
+ So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
+ through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
+ MINSTREL (singing):
+ Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
+ He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
+ He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
+ Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
+ He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
+ into a pulp,
+ Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
+ To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
+ And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
+ His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
+ And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
+ And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
+ And his penis--
+ ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
+ Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
+ DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
+ WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
+ ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
+ MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
+ ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
+ through.
+ ALL HEADS: What do you want?
+ MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
+ ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
+ to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
+ ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
+ ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
+ ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
+ ROBIN: I am.
+ LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
+ RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
+ MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
+ LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
+ RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
+ MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
+ LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
+ MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
+ LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
+ RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
+ MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
+ LEFT HEAD: What?
+ RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
+ MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
+ LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
+ MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
+ LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
+ MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
+ RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
+ LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first
+ and then have tea and biscuits.
+ RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
+ LEFT HEAD: All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
+ ALL HEADS: Right!
+ LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
+ RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
+ MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
+ ROBIN: No!
+ MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
+ ROBIN: I didn't!
+ MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
+ He bravely turned his tail and fled
+ ROBIN: No!
+ MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
+ ROBIN: I didn't!
+ MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
+ Bravely taking to his feet
+ ROBIN: I never did!
+ MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
+ ROBIN: Oh, lie!
+ MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
+ ROBIN: I never!
+Scene 11
+ NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
+ [boom crash]
+ [angels singing]
+ [pound pound pound]
+ GALAHAD: Open the door!
+ Open the door!
+ [pound pound pound]
+ In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
+ [squeak thump]
+ [squeak boom]
+ ALL: Hello!
+ ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
+ GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
+ ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name? Oh! but we are
+ nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
+ GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
+ ZOOT: The what?
+ GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
+ ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
+ Crepper!
+ MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
+ ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
+ MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
+ ZOOT: Away away vile temptress! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
+ very, very big.
+ GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
+ ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
+ GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
+ ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
+ GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
+ ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
+ GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
+ ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
+ hospitality.
+ GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
+ ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
+ to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
+ sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
+ protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
+ making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
+ Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
+ GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
+ ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
+ lie down.
+ [clap clap]
+ PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
+ GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
+ ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
+ GALAHAD: B-but--
+ ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
+ Winston, practice your art.
+ PIGLET: Try to relax.
+ GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
+ PIGLET: We must examine you.
+ GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
+ PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
+ GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
+ PIGLET: Back to your bed!
+ GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
+ PIGLET: There's no grail here.
+ GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
+ GIRLS: Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ Hello.
+ GALAHAD: Zoot!
+ DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
+ GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
+ DINGO: Where are you going?
+ GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
+ DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
+ GALAHAD: What is it?
+ DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
+ to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
+ first time we've had this problem.
+ GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
+ DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
+ person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
+ have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
+ must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
+ GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
+ DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
+ may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
+ VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
+ And me.
+ And me.
+ DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
+ GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
+ DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
+ GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
+ GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
+ LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
+ GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
+ GALAHAD: What?
+ LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
+ LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
+ GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
+ LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
+ GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
+ LAUNCELOT: Come on!
+ GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
+ DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
+ GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
+ LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
+ GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
+ DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
+ GIRLS: Yes, yes!
+ GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
+ of them!
+ DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
+ GIRLS: Yes, yes.
+ [boom]
+ DINGO: Oh, shit.
+ [outside]
+ LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
+ GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
+ LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
+ GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
+ LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
+ GALAHAD: Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can.
+ LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
+ GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
+ LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
+ GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
+ LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.
+Narrative Interlude 2
+ NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
+ temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile,
+ King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away,
+ had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight,
+ obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights
+ away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them.
+ I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
+ CROWD: Get on with it!
+ NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
+ scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
+ in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
+ starling -oolp!
+Scene 24
+ OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
+ ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
+ OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
+ ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
+ OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
+ ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
+ OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
+ of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
+ ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
+ OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
+ ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
+ OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
+Scene 25
+ Nee!
+ Nee!
+ Nee!
+ ARTHUR: Who are you?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
+ ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
+ BEDEMIR: Who are they?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
+ Nee-wom!
+ RANDOM: Nee-wom!
+ ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
+ ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
+ enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
+ ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
+ ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
+ [dramatic chord]
+ ARTHUR: A what?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
+ ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
+ ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
+ HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
+ never pass through this wood alive!
+ ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
+ with a shrubbery.
+ HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
+ ARTHUR: Of course.
+ HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
+ ARTHUR: Yes.
+ HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
+Scene 26
+ NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
+ FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
+ ERBERT: What, the curtains?
+ FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
+ out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom,
+ lad!
+ HERBERT: But, Mother--
+ FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
+ HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
+ FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
+ I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was
+ daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
+ just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one.
+ That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down,
+ fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up.
+ An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these
+ islands.
+ HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
+ FATHER: Rather what?!
+ HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
+ [music]
+ ...sing!
+ FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
+ I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
+ a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
+ HERBERT: But I don't want land.
+ FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
+ HERBERT: Herbert.
+ FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
+ can get.
+ HERBERT: But I don't like her.
+ FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
+ she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
+ HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
+ a certain... special...
+ [music]
+ ...something...
+ FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
+ Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
+ the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
+ GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
+ GUARD #2: Hic!
+ FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
+ GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
+ FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
+ leave.
+ GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
+ GUARD #2: Hic!
+ FATHER: Right.
+ GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
+ entering the room.
+ FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
+ GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
+ FATHER: All right?
+ GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
+ FATHER: Yes, what is it?
+ GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
+ FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
+ GUARD #1: Uh...
+ FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
+ All right?
+ GUARD #2: Hic!
+ FATHER: Right.
+ GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
+ FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
+ GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
+ to leave and we were--
+ FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
+ GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
+ FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
+ GUARD #1: Just you.
+ GUARD #2: Hic!
+ FATHER: Get back.
+ GUARD #1: Get back.
+ FATHER: Right?
+ GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
+ FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
+ GUARD #1: What?
+ FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+ GUARD #1: The Prince?
+ FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+ GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
+ seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
+ FATHER: Is that clear?
+ GUARD #2: Hic!
+ GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
+ FATHER: Right.
+ [starts to leave]
+ Where are you going?
+ GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
+ FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+ GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
+ HERBERT: But, Father!
+ FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
+ GUARD #2: Hic!
+ FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
+Scene 27
+ LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
+ CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
+ LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
+ one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
+ [thwonk]
+ CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
+ [fwump]
+ LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
+ note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry
+ against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am
+ in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of
+ distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!
+ Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
+ CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
+ CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
+ LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see.
+ CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
+ LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
+ soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
+ particular... (sigh)
+ CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
+ CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
+ LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
+ CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
+Scene 28
+ LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
+ GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
+ LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot
+ of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
+ HERBERT: You got my note!
+ LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
+ HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
+ LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see...
+ HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
+ there must be...
+ [music]
+ ...someone...
+ FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
+ HERBERT: I'm your son!
+ FATHER: No, not you.
+ LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
+ HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
+ FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
+ LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
+ FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
+ HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!
+ FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
+ FATHER: I can understand that.
+ HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
+ FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
+ FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
+ LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
+ FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
+ me a fortune!
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
+ from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
+ FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
+ HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
+ LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
+ FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
+ HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
+ FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
+ LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
+ HERBERT: I am ready!
+ [starts to leave]
+ LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
+ [thonk]
+ HERBERT: Oooh!
+ LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
+ uh, sort of carried away.
+ FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
+ HERBERT: Oooh!
+ [splat]
+Scene 29
+ [wailing]
+ FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
+ knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
+ RANDOM: There he is!
+ FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
+ LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
+ FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
+ LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
+ I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
+ RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
+ [yelling]
+ FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the
+ court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
+ guest here today.
+ RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
+ [yelling]
+ FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
+ Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
+ witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
+ wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
+ to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
+ a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
+ RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
+ FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
+ RANDOM: He's getting better!
+ FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
+ recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,...
+ [ugh]
+ RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
+ FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
+ dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
+ [clapping]
+ And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the
+ Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot...
+ RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
+ CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
+ HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
+ FATHER: You fell out of the tower, you creep!
+ HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
+ FATHER: How?!
+ HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
+ [music]
+ FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
+ SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
+ FATHER: Shut up!
+ SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
+ He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
+ He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
+ He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
+ CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
+ LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
+ CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
+ LAUNCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
+ [crash]
+ Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
+Scene 30
+ [clop clop]
+ ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
+ a shrubbery!
+ [dramatic chord]
+ CRONE: Who sent you?
+ ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
+ CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
+ ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
+ and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
+ CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
+ ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
+ CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
+ ARTHUR: Nee!
+ BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
+ ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
+ ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
+ BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
+ ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
+ ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
+ ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
+ ARTHUR: Um, yes.
+ ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee'
+ at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing
+ is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
+ considerable economic stress at this period in history.
+ ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?
+ ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
+ is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
+ ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
+Scene 31
+ ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
+ go now?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
+ But there is one small problem.
+ ARTHUR: What is that?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
+ RANDOM: Nee!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
+ ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
+ RANDOM: Nee!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
+ ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
+ Said Nee?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
+ [dramatic chord]
+ ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
+ it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
+ two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
+ RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
+ down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
+ [dramatic chord]
+ ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
+ ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
+ ARTHUR: What word?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
+ the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
+ ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
+ ARTHUR: What, `is'?
+ HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
+ saying `is'.
+ BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
+ MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
+ And sneaking away and buggering up
+ And chickening out and pissing about
+ Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
+ ARTHUR: Oh, Robin!
+ ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
+ ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
+ MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
+ ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
+ HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
+ ROBIN: I was looking for it.
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
+ ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
+ ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
+ ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
+ ARTHUR: Patsy!
+ HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
+Narrative Interlude 3
+ NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their
+ search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
+ Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
+ rejoicing.
+ ALL: Yay! Yay!
+ NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's
+ minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
+ ALL: Yay!
+ NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed
+ into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring
+ and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...
+Scene 32
+ ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
+ [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
+ What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint
+ or tinder?
+ TIM: I... am an enchanter.
+ ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
+ TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
+ ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
+ TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
+ ARTHUR: You know my name?
+ TIM: I do.
+ [zoosh]
+ You seek the Holy Grail!
+ ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
+ TIM: Quite.
+ [pweeng boom]
+ [clap clap clap]
+ ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find
+ the Holy Grail.
+ KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
+ ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
+ KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
+ BEDEMIR: We have been for some time.
+ ROBIN: Ages.
+ ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be...
+ very... helpful...
+ GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh-
+ [boom]
+ ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh
+ I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um,
+ find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
+ TIM: A what...?
+ ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
+ TIM: A Grail?!
+ ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
+ KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
+ TIM: Yes!
+ KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
+ [boom pweeng boom boom]
+ ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
+ TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
+ KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
+ TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg --
+ wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last
+ words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting
+ place of the most Holy Grail.
+ ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
+ TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance
+ to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man
+ yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn
+ about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or
+ your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty
+ big pointy teeth.
+ ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
+Scene 33
+ [clop clop whinny]
+ KNIGHT: They're nervous, sire.
+ ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
+ TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
+ ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
+ KNIGHT: What with?
+ ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.
+ TIM: Too late!
+ [chord]
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ TIM: There he is!
+ ARTHUR: Where?
+ TIM: There!
+ ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
+ TIM: It is the rabbit!
+ ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
+ TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel,
+ and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
+ ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
+ TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a
+ killer!
+ KNIGHT: Get stuffed!
+ TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
+ KNIGHT: Oh, yeah?
+ ROBIN: You mangy Scot git!
+ TIM: I'm warning you!
+ ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
+ TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
+ ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
+ BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
+ TIM: Look!
+ [squeak]
+ BORIS: Aaaugh!
+ [chord]
+ ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
+ TIM: I warned you!
+ ROBIN: I peed again!
+ TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all,
+ didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well,
+ it's always the same, I always--
+ ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
+ TIM: --But do they listen to me?--
+ ARTHUR: Right!
+ TIM: -Oh, no--
+ KNIGHTS: Charge!
+ [squeak squeak]
+ KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
+ KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
+ TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
+ ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
+ KNIGHT: Gawain.
+ KNIGHT: Hector.
+ ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five.
+ GALAHAD: Three, sir.
+ ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal
+ assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
+ ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
+ ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
+ GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make
+ a mistake.
+ ARTHUR: Like what?
+ GALAHAD: Well,....
+ ARTHUR: Have we got bows?
+ LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
+ ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one
+ of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard!
+ Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
+ [singing]
+ How does it, uh... how does it work?
+ KNIGHT: I know not, my liege.
+ ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
+ MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
+ BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
+ 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
+ thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and
+ people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
+ and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
+ MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
+ BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
+ Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three
+ shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
+ shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
+ excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once
+ the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
+ thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
+ in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
+ MAYNARD: Amen.
+ ALL: Amen.
+ ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
+ KNIGHT: Three, sir!
+ ARTHUR: Three!
+ [boom]
+Scene 34
+ KNIGHT: There! Look!
+ LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
+ GALAHAD: What language is that?
+ ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
+ MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
+ GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
+ LAUNCELOT: Course!
+ KNIGHT: What does it say?
+ MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
+ Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail
+ in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
+ ARTHUR: What?
+ MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
+ BEDEMIR: What is that?
+ MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
+ LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
+ MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.
+ ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'.
+ He'd just say it!
+ MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
+ GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.
+ ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
+ MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
+ LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.
+ KNIGHT: Aaauggh.
+ BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
+ KNIGHT: Where's that?
+ BEDEMIR: France, I think.
+ LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
+ ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.
+ LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
+ SEVERAL: Iiiiives.
+ BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo!
+ LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
+ BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
+ LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
+ BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
+ KNIGHT: Oooh!
+ KNIGHT: Oh, no!
+ [roar]
+ MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!
+ ARTHUR: Run away!
+ ALL: Run away! Run away!
+ [roar]
+ NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape
+ for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the
+ animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon peril
+ was no more. The Quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
+Scene 35
+ ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
+ ROBIN: Oh, great.
+ KNIGHT: Look!
+ ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24!
+ BEDEMIR: What is he doing here?
+ ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each
+ traveller five questions--
+ KNIGHT: Three questions.
+ ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
+ KNIGHT: Three questions.
+ ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
+ ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
+ ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
+ ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.
+ KNIGHT: Who's going to answer the questions?
+ ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
+ ROBIN: Yes?
+ ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
+ ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
+ LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed.
+ I shall make a feint to the north-east--
+ ARTHUR: No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five
+ questions--
+ KNIGHT: Three questions.
+ ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and
+ pray.
+ LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
+ ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
+ KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
+ these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
+ LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
+ KEEPER: What is your name?
+ LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
+ KEEPER: What is your quest?
+ LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
+ KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
+ KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
+ LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
+ ROBIN: That's easy!
+ KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me
+ these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
+ ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
+ KEEPER: What is your name?
+ ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
+ KEEPER: What is your quest?
+ ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
+ KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
+ ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
+ KEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
+ GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
+ KEEPER: What is your quest?
+ GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail.
+ KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
+ GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!
+ KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
+ ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
+ KEEPER: What is your quest?
+ ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
+ KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
+ ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
+ KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
+ BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows?
+ ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
+Scene 36
+ ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
+ BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
+ ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
+ BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
+ [angels singing]
+ ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised!
+ Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe
+ [something] the most-
+ [twong baaaa]
+ Jesus Christ!
+ GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who
+ is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a
+ second time!
+ ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command
+ you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this
+ sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
+ GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your
+ direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could
+ out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about
+ advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
+ heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
+ ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
+ castle!
+ GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you
+ and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing. You tiny-brained
+ wipers of other people's bottoms!
+ ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by
+ force!
+ [splat]
+ In the name of God and the glory of our--
+ [splat]
+ Right! That settles it!
+ GUARD: Yes, this time and try
+ any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads
+ and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
+ ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
+ GUARD: No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think
+ you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy
+ English kaniggets! Thpppt!
+ ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
+ BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege!
+ ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!