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| author | azertyfun | 2019-02-08 23:38:23 +0100 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | azertyfun | 2019-02-08 23:48:51 +0100 |
| commit | da235472afc268790a681185abfc064875e7d79e (patch) | |
| tree | 52c9a56b41190ee3813dd6104d1bd817b5296c14 | |
| download | aur-da235472afc268790a681185abfc064875e7d79e.tar.gz | |
First commit
| -rw-r--r-- | .SRCINFO | 16 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | PKGBUILD | 26 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | parks-and-recreation.1-3 | 2642 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | parks-and-recreation.4-7 | 3234 |
4 files changed, 5918 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.SRCINFO b/.SRCINFO new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..1a85809bd03b --- /dev/null +++ b/.SRCINFO @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +pkgbase = fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation + pkgdesc = Parks and Recreation fortune cookie file + pkgver = 1.0 + pkgrel = 1 + url = https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Parks_and_Recreation_(season_7) + arch = any + groups = fortune-mods + license = unknown + depends = fortune-mod + source = parks-and-recreation.1-3 + source = parks-and-recreation.4-7 + md5sums = f1f8d7b1892e46b2345550c41452a520 + md5sums = 87bb1fe285d1365b25bb47b4f19d0936 + +pkgname = fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation + diff --git a/PKGBUILD b/PKGBUILD new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..d7fd9711ce70 --- /dev/null +++ b/PKGBUILD @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ +# Maintainer: Nathan Monfils <nathan.monfils@hotmail.fr> + +pkgname=fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation +pkgver=1.0 +pkgrel=1 +pkgdesc="Parks and Recreation fortune cookie file" +url="https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Parks_and_Recreation_(season_7)" +arch=('any') +license=('unknown') +depends=('fortune-mod') +groups=('fortune-mods') +source=(parks-and-recreation.1-3 parks-and-recreation.4-7) +md5sums=('f1f8d7b1892e46b2345550c41452a520' '87bb1fe285d1365b25bb47b4f19d0936') + +build() { + cd "$srcdir" + + # The file had to be split in two due to the AUR's 256 KB file limitation (total is 257 KB) + cat parks-and-recreation.1-3 parks-and-recreation.4-7 > parks-and-recreation + strfile parks-and-recreation parks-and-recreation.dat +} + +package () { + install -D -m644 parks-and-recreation $pkgdir/usr/share/fortune/parks-and-recreation + install -D -m644 parks-and-recreation.dat $pkgdir/usr/share/fortune/parks-and-recreation.dat +} diff --git a/parks-and-recreation.1-3 b/parks-and-recreation.1-3 new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..643313f1f093 --- /dev/null +++ b/parks-and-recreation.1-3 @@ -0,0 +1,2642 @@ + — Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at +me. +% + — Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this +parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I +think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the +park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck +E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for +Chuck E. Cheese. +% + — Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea. + — Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your +support? + — Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool +for the kids? + — Mark: Oh, how old are your kids? + — Man: No kids. + — Tom: Uh-oh. + — April: I'm gonna put him down as a "yes." + — Mark: Don't do that. + — Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? +Because, y'know, I really can't move again. + — Mark: April, please stand behind me. +% + — Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck. + — Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady. +% + — Leslie: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that +just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - +when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by +those remaining penises. One penis in particular... +% + — Ron: Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble. + — Tom: I know. You're destroying me. + — Ron: You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks +at camera] And she's a bitch. + — Tom: Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing. + — Ron: Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and +she's a serious bitch. +% + — Tom: When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your +power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind +of politician. + +[cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart] + + — Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. + [turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the +next one. +% + — Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room +at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is +chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, +like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them. +% + — Leslie: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every +acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel +Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians +after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face +off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into +rainsticks. And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used +every part of the pioneer. +% + — Ann: Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine +Restrepo? +% + — Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. When we +started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then +we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, +Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With +Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis +Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long +pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow +Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it... +% +[Mark goes up to Ron] + + — Mark: Hey Parks Department. + — Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister. + — Beth: Nice to meet you. + — Mark: Nice to meet you. You guys are together? + — Ron: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last +week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we +started dating. It's like a fairy tale. + — Beth: Tammy stinks. + +[Mark goes up to Tom] + + — Tom: Brendanawicz! + — Mark: Hey Tom. + — Tom: Hey, I want you to meet my wife. + — Wendy: Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford. + — Mark: [shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife? + — Wendy: Don't hold it against me. + — Tom: Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! +She makes a ton of money! BAM! + +[Mark goes up to April] + + — April: This is Derek. + — Mark: Cool. How long you guys been dating? + — April: We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, +but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes. + — Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so. + — April: I don't want to talk to you. +% + + — Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement? + — Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet. +% + — Leslie: Pawnee has a gay bar? + — Ron: Yeah, The Bulge. + — Everyone: ... + — Ron: It's behind my house. + — Leslie: The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there... +% + — April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben. + — Ben: Hey. + — Leslie: Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation? + — April: What do you mean? + — Leslie: How does this work? + — April: Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and +Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben. + — Derek: It's not that complicated. +% + — Donna: Hey. Why are you all dolled up? + — Leslie: Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar +tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think +I'm fabulous or something... + — Donna: Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight. + — Leslie: Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down +the best interaction I've ever had with Donna! +% + — Leslie: [drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And +they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are. +And who they are is just stone-cold gay. +% + — Ron: Have fun last night? + — Leslie: I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben +and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my +actual bra size. + — Ron: ... + — Leslie: I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays! + — Ron: Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on +Pawnee Today. + — Leslie: Wow that's huge! What's the topic? + — Ron: You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your +resignation. + — Leslie: No! + — Ron: You gotta go on and defend yourself. + — Leslie: Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage. + — Ron: That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays. + — Leslie: ...That was me. +% + — Joan Callamezzo: So Marcia what's all this fuss about? + — Marcia: The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating +for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a +pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge. + — Joan Callamezzo: Miss Knope, how do you respond? + — Leslie: I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for +anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just +trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo. + — Joan Callamezzo: I have to say that that stunt that you did with the +penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss +Knope do to make it right? + — Marcia: Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable. + — Joan Callamezzo: Of course not. + — Marcia: We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the +marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and +then resign. + — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to +jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri? + — Marcia: Move to a different town! No, I kid. +% + — Leslie: I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked +marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was +kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there +wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie. +% + — Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess +the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had +been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille. +% +[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office] + + — April: Do you live here? + — Ron: April? + — April: Yeah. Do you live here? + — Ron: No. + — April: Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] +Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was +something wrong with you so I came back. + — Ron: It's just a minor medical issue. + — April: AIDS? + — Ron: ...No I'm safe. + — April: Blindness? + — Ron: ...No. + — April: Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee? + — Ron: I have a hernia. + — April: Do you have syphilis? + — Ron: I said it's a hernia. + — April: I know. It's possible to have two things. +% + — Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I +didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my +life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. +As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a +sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore. +% +[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him +to the hospital. April enters.] + + — April: Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his +keys. You ready? + — Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson. +% + — Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to +look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you +call in favors for? +% + — Leslie: You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty +rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between +Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The +original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change +it for...obvious reasons. +% + — Councilman Dexhart [at his press conference] And to my wife, I apologize. +All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful +woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned. +Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the +underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. In +my defense, it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. +% + — Mark: Hey hi there! What are you doing here? + — Ann: Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to? + — Mark: Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for +a game that we're playing. + — Ann: ...My taxes pay your salary right? + — Mark: Yeah... + — Ann: Cool. +% + — Ann: And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life." + — Leslie: Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow +night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, +a pair of cargo pants? + — Ann: Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant. + — Leslie: What about like a sexy hat? + — Ann: I don't know what that even is. + — Leslie: Helping already! +% + — Leslie: Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question? + — Ann: Shoot! + — Leslie: What if he asks me if I've been married? + — Ann: Have you!? + — Leslie: No. + — Ann: Well then say that. + — Leslie: But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what +I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I +say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right? + — Ann: Whoa. + — Leslie: What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not +enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?! +% + — Ann: Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it- + — Leslie: I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a +table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But +let me tell you something Ann! It never works!! + — Ann: No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice +date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me. + — Leslie: Ohhh! That's a way better idea! +% + — Ann: You're 20 minutes late, I almost left! + — Leslie: Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off. + — Ann: What's your niece's name? + — Leslie: Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a +niece...My niece's name is Stephanie? +% + — Jerry: Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid +parking ticket. + — Mark: That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive +mother was arrested for marijuana possession. + — Donna: Oh snap! + — Jerry: What? + — Mark: You didn't know that, huh? + — Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted... +% + — Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my +sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I +accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay +awake? + — Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't +happen. + — Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me. + +[cut to Leslie being interviewed] + + — Leslie: Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire +bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy +who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a +guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. +Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep +he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my +mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird. +% + — Ann: You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me. + — Leslie: Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind +is blank. + — Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head. + — Leslie: How big is it? + — Ann: ...Really!? + — Leslie: Oh my God. +% + — Ann: Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if +everything goes wrong, you'll survive. + — Leslie: Well well well, you coy bastard. +% + — Leslie: Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I +nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at +a guys house late at night... +% + — April: Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on +me yet? Hello!! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's +video...That I took...On the internet!! +% + — Leslie: Hey can I smoke in here? + — Ron: You don't smoke. + — Leslie: Just asking if I can. + — Ron: Are you high? + — Leslie: I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness. + — Ron: That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm +sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City +Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed! + — Leslie: ...Ron I am so so so sorry!! + — Ron: What the ka-fuck were you thinking? +% +[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages] + + — Leslie: [beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's +your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want +to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city +hall...or call me back. Just call me back! + +[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer? +It's because of your lawyer. + + +[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I +don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus +now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall... + + +[beep] HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN! + + +[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must +go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall. + + — Tom: Hmm that was weird. + — Leslie: How long have you been there!? +% + — Leslie: I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money. + — Ann: Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on +the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man +who thinks like a gopher. +% +[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school] + + — Leslie: Greg Pikitis. + — Greg: You're the parks lady right? + — Leslie: Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here +to tell you that this year, it ends. + +[Cut to Leslie being interviewed] + + — Leslie: Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He +absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the +statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've +never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, +supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I +really feel like it's this kid! + +[Cut back to Leslie and Greg] + + — Leslie: Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a +cop. So don't even try it! + — Greg: I don't know what you're talking about. + — Leslie: Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day. + +[Leslie starts walking away] + + — Greg: Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great. + — Leslie: Thank you...Ends today! +% + — Ann: Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't +have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own +stomachs this year!! +% + — Leslie: Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg +Pikitis' house to the statue. + — Ann: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial +killer. + — Leslie: In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication. +% +[At the statue of Mayor Percy] + + — Leslie: Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true +hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning +building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel. + — Dave: Didn't like 30 people die in that fire? + — Leslie: [sigh] He wasn't Superman. + — Andy: He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on? + — Leslie: No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I +just said? + — Andy: ...Yes. +% + — Leslie: You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to. + — Dave: Don't do that. + — Leslie: Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force. + — Dave: Don't use excessive force. + — Leslie: Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary. + — Dave: Nope. + — Leslie: No, just stop him. +% +[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized] + + — Leslie: PIKITIS!! +% + — Dave: We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been +somebody else. + — Leslie: It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now? + — Dave: That doesn't mean anything to me. + — Leslie: This is a peach pit! + — Dave: Okay. + — Leslie: He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his +ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his +victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!! + — Dave: We don't have a lab... +% + — Dr. Harris: Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave. + — Ann: Oh, Okay. + — Dr. Harris: This isn't that fun. + — Ann: Didn't need to tell me that. +% + — April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how +much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make +out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing. +% + — Greg: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! + — Andy: Why don't you just shut up for a second! + — Leslie: What's going on in here? + — Andy: He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say +to a human being! + — Greg: Are you crying? + — Andy: I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!! +% + — Greg: Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night? + — Leslie: Because I followed you genius!! + — Greg: If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me!! +Knope! What is your problem!!? + — Leslie: Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!!! +% +[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house] + + — Dave: Leslie! What are you doing? + — Leslie: Oh boy. + — Greg's Real Mom: That's them officer! Right there! + — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house! + — Greg's Real Mom: Why are you doing this!? + — Leslie: It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on +this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the +address wrong! + — Greg's Real Mom: I'm Greg's Mom. + — Leslie: ...You are? + — Greg's Real Mom: Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out +of trouble? + — Leslie: What!? + — Greg's Real Mom: Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and +hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB!! Greg! +Gregory!! + — Leslie: I knew it!! + — Dave: Oh my God! + — Andy: Dude! That kid is amazing! +% +[After catching Greg defacing the statue] + + — Leslie: How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know! + — Greg: Maybe the FBI can figure it out. + — Andy: Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid! + — Greg: Wow. You're amazing. + — Leslie: Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time. + — Dave: He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor. + — Leslie: Well we'll let the jury decide. + — Dave: There's not going to be a jury... + — Leslie: Then the Judge will decide where he goes! + — Dave: He's gonna do probation, he's a minor... + — Leslie: Dave just let me have this! +% + — Leslie: News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library. + — Tom: Punk ass book jockeys! + — Ann: Wait why do we hate the library? + — Leslie: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in +history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them +very dangerous. +% + — Mark: The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson. + — Leslie: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates +her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same? + — Tom: Leslie. You're thinking out loud again. + — Leslie: Am I? I am. +% + — Tom: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause +then there's more room for me on the low road. +% + — Leslie: Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless +bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of +shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shhhing. +% + — Ron: Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. +That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in +the world. + — Leslie: I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can +use. Does she have any weaknesses? + — Ron: No. + — Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness. + — Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone +in the future to come back and destroy all happiness. +% + — Ron: On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side +so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last +time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love +what's the point of living? +% + — Leslie: Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago. + — Tammy Two: You have a lot of nerve showing your face here. + — Leslie: Excuse me? + — Tammy Two: You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy. + — Leslie: That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty +pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know +what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and +I'll see you in Hell!! +% + — Leslie: I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set +and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with +asthma to watch other kids play. + — Tammy Two: Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably +wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase. + — Leslie: Well that's...that's the goal Tammy. +% + — Ron: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of +Satan's butthole? +% + — Leslie: I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. +Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends. + — Ron: You slept with Brendanawicz? + — Leslie: ...No! +% + — Tammy Two: It's really good to see you Ron. + — Ron: You've aged horribly. + — Tammy Two: You...son of a bitch! + — Ron: That didn't take long. + — Tammy Two: Oh my God!! What is your problem?!! Nothing's changed has it!!? +% + — Ron: We didn't talk. We made love. + — Leslie: Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy— + — Ron: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers +began. You know what I mean? + — Leslie: Yeah... + — Ron: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. +The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours. + — Leslie: This seems like a private matter, but I'm— + — Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis. +% + — Ron: Why don't you take the rest of the day off? + — Leslie: ... + — Ron: I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really +who cares? + — Leslie: I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember? + — Ron: But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a +park or a museum or a mega-church. + — Leslie: ...Or a library. + — Ron: ...Nobody said library. + — Leslie: Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot? + — Ron: No, I swear on...a grave. + — Leslie: Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot? + — Ron: Not giving. We have discussed a trade. + — Leslie: For what!? + — Ron: [mumbles something] + — Leslie: Excuse me? + — Ron: ...More sex. +% + — Leslie: I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just +using him to get Lot 48 for your library. + — Tammy Two: Leslie that's crazy...and correct. + — Leslie: Why are you doing this? + — Tammy Two: Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are +women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there +are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an +Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra. + — Leslie: [being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra +over Eleanor Roosevelt!!!??? + — Tammy Two: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you +could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. +You should come join us sometime. +% + — Ron: You've gotta help me break up with her. + — Leslie: I don't think I should get involved in this. + — Ron: Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" +"She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!" +% + — Leslie: So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or +would you rather wait outside? + — Ron: In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp. + — Leslie: Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye +contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted +plant. Can you do that? +% + — Leslie: So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end +this relationship. + — Tammy Two: Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for +him? + — Ron: She volunteered. + — Tammy Two: Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to +do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself +around me like a coiled snake. +% + — Ron: I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her. + — Leslie: God Ron, you have to! + — Tammy Two: Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And +we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is +all about. + — Leslie: No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no. + — Tammy Two: Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating +you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and +face. +% + — Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma— + — Tom: You said "murinal!" + +[Everyone laughs] + + — Jerry: No, I didn't. + — Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it. + — Jerry: Anyway, she— + — April: Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people +can murinate all over it? + — Tom: Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection. + +[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated] + + — Jerry: ...Just wanted to show you my art... + — Everyone: Murinal! Murinal! Murinal! + — Leslie: Disqualified! + +[cut to Jerry being interviewed] + + — Jerry: It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the +town— + — Tom: [from other room] No one cares! At all! +% + — Leslie: Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold +decision: we're playing it safe. +% + — Leslie: The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and +deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they +let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys +in the office. + — Tom: Not all the guys. He's never taken me. + — Leslie: Fine. All the men. +% + — Leslie: Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies +to be included on your hunting trip. + — Ron: Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie. + — Leslie: You're literally listening to turkey calls! + — Ron: Oh is this not rap? +% + — Ron: Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab +a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt. + — Mark & Jerry: Here here! + — Leslie: And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find +the beast within. + +[everyone except Ron cheers] + + — Tom: Ron your toast sucked. +% + — Ann: Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together. + — Leslie: Oh Ann, I always forget since your so pretty you're not used to +rejection. +% + — Leslie: Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!? + — Ron: I was shot in the head with a shotgun!! + — Ann: Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm +okay? + — Ron: Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry!!! I find that relaxes me!!! +% + — Ann: Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed? + — Ron: When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is +that normal? + — Leslie: Is that normal? + — Ann: Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it +for menstrual cramps. How many did you take? + — Ron: Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows +the empty bottle of scotch] + — Ann: No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge +right now okay? + — Ron: No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch. + — Ann: Can you open his mouth Leslie? + — Leslie: What? + — Ann: Open his mouth! + — Leslie: Okay. + — Ron: I'm not making myself throw up. + — Ann: Ron you have to. + — Leslie: I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good! + — Ron: I will bite you!! + — Ann: Grab his mustache!! + — Leslie: OPEN YOUR MOUTH!! + — Ron: AHHHHHHHH!!!! +% + — Tom: On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he? +% + — Leslie: I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with +Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at +something they love. +% + — Leslie: Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they +shot Ron in the head. + — Tom: Maybe Ron shot himself. + — Leslie: Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately. + — Mark: He was shot in the back of the head! + — Leslie: You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot +himself there! + — Tom: It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our +group. + — Jerry: You think someone is hunting us? + — Tom: Man is the most dangerous game. + — Donna: For the Predator!! + — Tom: I did smell something out there and it wasn't human. + — Leslie: That was pine trees. + — Donna: The predator can see heat. + — Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there. +% +[After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron in the head, the Parks Ranger +thinks it all has to do with her being a woman] + + — Park Ranger: So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the +entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision. + — Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter. + — Park Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then? + — Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my +gun went off. + — Park Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on. + — Leslie: Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I +saw a quail and I shot at it. + — Park Ranger: In mid-trip? + — Leslie: No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. +That's what happened, end of story. + — Park Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the +excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right? + — Leslie: [jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best +of me. + +I just, I cared too much, I guess. + + +I was thinking with my lady-parts. + + +I was walking and I felt something icky. + + +I thought there was gonna be chocolate. + + +I don't even remember. + + +I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it +threw me off. + + +All I wanna do is have babies!. + + +Are you single? + + +I'm just, like, going through a thing right now. + + +I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone. + + +This would not happen if I had a penis! + + +[While putting on lipstick] What? + + +Bitches be crazy. + + +I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid. + +% + — Ron: You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch +it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the +head. + — Leslie: Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend. + — Ron: Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's +restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head. + — Leslie: Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you- + — Ron: Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did +that!! +% + — Ron: Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate +examined you could come by and shoot me in the head. +% + — Ron: [to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I +lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron. + — Tom: Dude Ron I'm so sorry. + — Ron: Apology not accepted moron. +% + — Leslie: The fourth floor is awful! The DMV, Divorce Filings, Probation +Offices ugh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, +but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their +throats replaced. +% + — Jerry: There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is +called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 +years. +% + — Waiter: You ready to order? + — Donna: Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap. + — Leslie: I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please. + — Waiter: How do you want that cooked? + — Leslie: Medium Roar. + — Waiter: Medium rare? + — Leslie: No, medium roar. + — Waiter: For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the +temperature of the meats anymore. +% + — Ron: Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be +some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out +once the fake dust settles? + — Tom: Yeah. Why not? Sure. + — Ron: Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size +for me. I'm gonna take a leak. + — Tom: ... +% + — Ron: This seems like none of our business. + — Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am +a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I." + — April: That was a really good Ron. + — Leslie: Thank you. +% + — Bill Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new +scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it +the nurse who delivered our love child? + — Leslie: What? + — Bill Dexhart: Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I +got the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex +with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose +husband was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? +Was it the liver lady? + — Leslie: Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever. + In my whole life. + — Bill Dexhart: Oh! + — Leslie: Believe me I would have remembered this. + — Bill Dexhart: Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was +just a funny prank. +% + — Ron: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation +didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight. + — April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal. + — Ron: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't +have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport. +% + — Ann: What is your ideal man? + — Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden. +% + — Tom: Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His +name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio! + — Jean-Ralphio: Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute +honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because +honestly, daaaaaaamn! + — Ron: Uh, take a seat. + — Jean-Ralphio: Right, here we go. + — Ron: So Jean-Ralphio... + — Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep. + — Ron: Why do I want you as my assistant? + — Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just +for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your +family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there +tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have +questions? + — Tom: I think our only question is when can you start? + — Jean-Ralphio: Right now. Let's do it. + — Ron: Thank you for coming in. We will talk. + — Jean-Ralphio: Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit +me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right? + — Tom: Take care, buddy. + — Jean-Ralphio: Boom. + — Tom: So what do you think of your new assistant? + — Ron: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now. +% + — Applicant: Sorry what do I get out of this? + — Tom: Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee. + — Applicant: I have to pay you two grand if I get hired? + — Tom: I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, +"it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing." +% + — Tom: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town +are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's +going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994. +% + — Ann: This newspaper's from November 1986. + — Leslie: The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out. + — Ann: I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away +from herself. +% +[Watching the NutriYums Ad] + + — Leslie: Wow that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they're all +wearing vests. +% + — Tom: Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm +moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend... + — Andy: [immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. +Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing. + — April: I'll go, too. + — Tom: Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex +tape of your grandparents. + — April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not? + — Tom: Alright. See you guys later. + — Andy: I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make +love. +% + — Tom: Can't believe these things are healthy. + — Andy: It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious. + — Donna: No they're not. + — Andy: Yeah they actually have rice in them so... + — Donna: Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple. +% + — Ann: Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee +is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just +husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em. +% +[Leslie and Ann are at the library] + + — Leslie: I hate it here, this place is evil. + — Ann: I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label. + — Leslie: Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something +interesting. Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out + — Ann: They have sensors! Just check them out it's free. + +[They walk up to the front desk] + + — Leslie: Hi Marcy. + — Marcy: Leslie!! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? +Oh I guess not! It's a movie. + — Leslie: Your pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of +the internet. + — Marcy: ...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called +MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM. + — Leslie: NO I DON'T! + — Marcy: Yeah. You do. + — Leslie: ...Ann grab the movies!!! GO! GO! GO! GO! + +[Leslie makes a huge mess as she and Ann run away] + + — Leslie: PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!! +% + — Ron: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you +want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, +you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. +% +[After Ann's presentation at the public forum] + + — Ann: Any questions? + — Man #1: If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good? + — Ann: Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes? + — Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and +muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible. + — Ann: Right. [turns to someone else] + — Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. +Syrup comes from a bush. + — Ann: Oh boy. [turns to someone else] + — Man #3: How do we know you're really a nurse? + — Ann: I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's. + — Man #3: Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number +so he can have it. + — Ann: Yeah that's not gonna happen. + — Man #3: Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL. + — Ann: Oh my God. No! + — Man #4: I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and +mayonnaise sandwiches. + — Ann: That's not a good idea. + — Man #4: Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant] + — Ann: [to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week. + — Leslie: I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than +usual! +% + — Leslie: Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't +you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their +bodies? Right everybody? + — Random Citizen: Is Shoelace here!!?? Where's Shoelace!!? + — Nick Newport Jr.: Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this +nice lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver? + — Denver: Everybody! Check under your seats! + +[Everyone finds free Sweetums stuff under their seats and starts cheering] + + — Leslie: Denver you little son of a bitch. +% + — Leslie: It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these +seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, +but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to +April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and +Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows. + — Jerry: I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle +many times. + — Leslie: Whatever. +% + — Wendy: Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you +did for me, but I only see us as friends. + — Tom: For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we +added...doin' it. +% + — Leslie: They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman. + — Ron: What's going on? + — April: You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like. + — Ron: ...Well it's about time. +% + — Andy: You're like an angel with no wings. + — April: So like a person... +% + — Leslie: I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake. + — Ron: [sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a +mistake!? + — Leslie: I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give +that award to women. + — Ron: Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter. + — Leslie: Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project. + — Ron: Ah yes Camp Xena. + — Leslie: Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name. + — Ron: Well I almost got it. I was pretty close. + — Leslie: No. +% + — Leslie: How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take +care of that did you? + — Ron: Nope. Passed the buck to Donna. + — Leslie: That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner. + — Ron: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won +an award. +% + — Leslie: Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and +miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for +her achievements. What do you have Ron!? + — Ron: I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in +female stuff. + — Leslie: Dorothy Everton Smyth!! I swear to God... +% + — Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. + — Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games. +% + — Tom: Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry? + — Jerry: Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my +wife. + — Tom: Jerry get out. +% + — Elise Yarktin: The media has all but written us off as a niche interest +group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as +yourself well then eventually people take notice. + — Ron: I don't want the damn thing. + — Elise Yarktin: Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take +it...like a man. So congratulations! + +[cut to Leslie being interviewed] + + — Leslie: The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the +kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists +like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!? +% + — Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely +Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. +I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right +here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the +club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura +Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just +bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, +bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy? + — Donna: I'm out. + — Tom: Why?! + — Donna: I hate that guy. +% + — Elise Yarktin: Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only. + — Leslie: Ugh get over yourself Elise. + — Ron: Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean. +% + — Leslie: Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole +of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks +department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on +the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school +cafeteria. +% + — Leslie: Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you. + — Eugene: We'll get to it first thing Monday. + — Leslie: Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request. + — Andy: We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog. + — Leslie: Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my +task force. + — Eugene: That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here. + +[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background] + + — Tom: Isn't that them there? + — Eugene: Nope. + — Tom: Yo Brett! + — Brett: Yo! + — Harris: Dude! + — Leslie: Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you +rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up? + — Eugene: Okay! +% + — Ron: Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven. + — Mark: Thank you. + — Ron: You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years. + — Mark: Ummm Ron none of this is up to code. + — Ron: Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code. + — Mark: There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got +hazardous chemicals over here. + — Ron: Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the +right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his +own car? + — Mark: There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning +stove. + — Ron: Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is +totally up to your precious code. + — Mark: Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996. + — Ron: Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the +government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch +yourself. + +[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out] + + — Ron: Okay. I'll replace this. Happy? +% + — Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, +you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. +Act." + — Tom: So you weren't thinking. + — Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking. +% + — Evelyn: What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here? + — Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we +caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank. + — Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, +the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it. + — Leslie: ...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum? + — Evelyn: No! + — Leslie: No. + — Evelyn: He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the +urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it +forever. + — Leslie: Ew. +% +[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart] + + — Tom: This thing is a mess. + — Carl: WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO +THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE +EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN. + — Tom: What’s this one? + — Carl: THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE. +% + — Leslie: Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth? + — Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said. + +[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom] + + — Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do +for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife? +% + — Joan Callamezzo: That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like +that again!! This is Pawnee Fucking Today!!! Do you know that I bumped a cat +that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my +sight. + — Leslie: Yes ma'am. +% + — Leslie: Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. +Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should +just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are. + — David: I thought you were dead, Clarence. + — Clarence: No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your +wife. + — David: Screw you, you old coot. + — Michael: Classic David. You're worse than Ron. + — Ron: Shut your damn mouth, Tansley. + — Leslie: OK great, let's go! +% + — Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be? + — April: The super old one. + — Andy: Really? + — April: Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew +his eyebrows off. +% + — Ron: Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings! + — Leslie: I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time +City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying +to alter a gazebo! +% + — April: Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire +and create a diversion! +% + — Ron: So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck. + — Ann: I don't even work in this building. + — Ron: Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in. + — Jerry: [walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything? + — Ron: No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early. +% + — Citizen: Your department banned me from attending games just because I +yell "You Suck" at the players. + — Ron: According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls. + — Citizen: WHO SUCK!!! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!?! +% + — Citizen: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson. + — April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead. + — Citizen: Oh. + — April: I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I +have this meeting with you. +% + — Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red +tape. + — April: Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts. + — Woman: Tell me about it. + — April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go +right to the commissioner on this one. + — Woman: You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great +idea. + — April: Yeah? + — Woman: I'm gonna do that. + — April: OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council. + — Woman: Good luck there! + — April: My thoughts exactly! + +[Cut to April being interviewed] + + — April: I have no idea what I was saying. +% + — Ron: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from +Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face. +% + — Man: I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car +trouble. + — April: Sorry he's busy right now. + +[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office] + + — Man: Oh Uh...well can I reschedule? + — April: Sure. Hmm how about June 50th? + — Man: Sorry? + — April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available +then. + — Man: What is going on? + — April: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember +Oneteenth. Does that work sir? + +[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without +answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval] + +% + — Leslie: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access +station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because +Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and +certain parts of the Mall of America. +% + — Ron: I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big +on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man +to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard. +% + — Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in +with me. + — Leslie: Why, is something wrong? + — Mark: No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me. + — Leslie: [gasps] + — Mark: I love her and I want a partner and.... + — Leslie: [interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, +you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air +balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you +ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me +Ann." + — Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her. + — Leslie: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they +have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives. + — Mark: So you think I should do it though? + — Leslie: Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get +ten eagles. + — Mark: Leslie... + — Leslie: No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want. +% + — Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, +supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being +who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being. +% + — Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days +just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it +was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over +the pants. +% + — Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I +felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going +to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons +took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So... +% + — Ron: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the +city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi. +% + — Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists +who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane. +% + — Lucy: My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and +communists. He hated both. +% + + — Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. +It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. +Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is +poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. +Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically +a vegetable. +% + — Ann: So are you happy to be back at work? + — Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy +fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally +can't buy [bleep]. +% + — April: I want another nurse. + — Ann: Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now. + — April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right? + — Ann: Yep. nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable. + — April: Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty. +% + — Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick. + — Leslie: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in +there! + — Jerry: No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all +sweaty. + — Leslie: You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time!! What's your +excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!? + — Jerry: ...No. +% + — Leslie: I'm not sick I just have allergies okay! I took a claritin and I +threw that up. So I took another one and I threw that up. And then I took a +third and it stayed down! I'm getting better. +% + — Ben: Who's your doctor? + — Leslie: Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world. +% + — Chris: Stop...POOPING. +% + — Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says +you could have…network connectivity problems. +% + — Ann: 104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you. + — Leslie: [flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this. + +[she just sits there and does nothing] + + — Ann: ...What are you doing? + — Leslie: [flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them? + — Ann: No. +% + — Leslie: [flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't +have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is. +% + — Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! +[exasperated] My body is a microchip... +% + — Andy: They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy +last year. + — Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado." +% + — Ann: What are you doing? + — Leslie: Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent +better. Good as new. + +[Leslie puts her pants around her neck like a scarf] + + — Leslie: Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also +don't wanna look too schlubby. + — Ann: Get back in that bed. + — Leslie: So no to the scarf? + — Ann: Get back in the bed + — Leslie: No, I'm going to that meeting! + — Ann: Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done +it before, don't test me!! + +[Leslie reluctantly climbs back into bed] + +% + — Ron: I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this +department...and that includes the men. +% + — Ann: Hey have you seen Leslie? + — Chris: [deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my +flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in +the wall. + — Ann: ...The door? +% +[After Leslie escapes the hospital to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting] + + — Leslie: Ben Wyatt! Hello! + — Ben: Uhh hi Leslie... + — Leslie: Good to see you! + — Ben: You too... + +[They shake hands] + + — Ben: Wow you're really burning up. + — Leslie: Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please? + — Ben: Sure, how much? + — Leslie: I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian +hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate? + — Ben: ... + — Leslie: So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful. + — Ben: What? + — Leslie: The floor and the wall just switched. + — Ben: ...Okay. + — Leslie: Walk very carefully. +% + — Leslie: Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening +everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline. + — Ben: Okay I wouldn't open with that. +% + — Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 +NBA Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer +off of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope. +% + — Business Owner: Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used +to? + — Leslie: That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own +question which is: why is half of your face all swirly? + — Ben: Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting +right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards +me. + — Leslie: Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap! + — Ben: Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage] +% + — Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital. + — Leslie: [In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? +Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send +it post hence? + — Tom: ... +% + — Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The +Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome +German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. +"Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese +Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town +was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: +It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a +lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous +Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our +current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity." +% + — Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, +sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone +with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell +you that much. +% + — Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure +I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up. +% +[Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing +off her thong.] + + — Leslie: [gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! +Abort! Abort! + — Ron: Hello Tammy. + — Tammy Two: Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking +myself for scoliosis. + — Ron: And? + — Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky? + +[Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively] + + — Ron: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life +I have never checked a book out of the library. + +[Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky] + + — Leslie: Oh my God she's amazing... + — Ron: [chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior +would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy. + — Tammy Two: A relationship!? With whom!? + — Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy. + — Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore. +% + — Leslie: Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk +toppings. + — Andy: Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best +toppings. + — Leslie: Nice. + — Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option? + — Tom: Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben. + — Leslie: Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas. +% + — Ben: Okay. How about some calzones? + — Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb +and so was that idea. + — Ben: Seriously? + — Tom: This is embarrassing for you. +% + — Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, +psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon. +% + — Ron: Can we turn the radio off? This is our song. + — Ben: Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look +at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely. + — Ron: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction. + — Ben: Ugh! +% + — Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, +corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this +message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I +love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, +Levandrious, who I hate! +% +[Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two +again.] + + — Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it +means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're +probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only +thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your +privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get +rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck. +% + — Ron: Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In +fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our +honeymoon. + — Jerry: Wow! Where ya going? + — Leslie: Jerry! + — Ron: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods. + — Tammy Two: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts +for energy. + — Leslie: Oh God! +% +[After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth] + + — Ron: Tammy! That's enough! + — Tammy Two: Hey Baby! + — Ron: You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, +defenseless little man... + — Tom: Hey! + — Ron: ..reminded me what kind of monster you are. + — Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the +way, last night I faked four out of the seven. + — Ron: [Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son. + +[Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out] + +% + — The Douche: Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and +Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an +upcoming event called the Harvest Festival. + — Leslie: Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun +meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in +Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever. + — Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche? + — The Douche: Oh, that's right - to your mom! + +[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean +your room!"] + + — Leslie: There's also going to be hay rides. + — The Douche: "Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said. + +[China Joe plays more moaning sounds] + + — Tom: China Joe, you are a poet! +% + — April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear +April's grandmother." I said grandfather. + — Andy: Oh, oops. OK. + — April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I +can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It +was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf. + — Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good? +% + — Ron: I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home +to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I +have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. + +[starts going through the album] + + +June 2004. Porterhouse, medium-rare, Bearnaise sauce. + + +January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer." + + +February '96. The steak: Rib-Eye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to +me: a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy. + + +Okay. This is, the first time I ever went there. Oh look at me! I'm just a kid! + +% + — Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me. + — Leslie: What!? That lying bastard!! Wait, how do you know? + — Ann: I don't actually have any actual proof. + — Leslie: Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a +monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will +kill him. +% + — Leslie: Well he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high +school they used to call me Angela Lansbury...but that was because of my +haircut. +% +[After the group finds Mulligan's shut down by the Health Department] + + — Ron: They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I +should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they +closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten? +% + — April: I can get free drinks anytime I want. + — Andy: How? + — April: Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to +her] Hey. + — Guy: Hey. + — April: I hate drinking alone. + — Guy: Can I get you a drink? + — April: Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey. + — Guy: What's your name? + — April: Oprah! + — Guy: I'm Kevin. + — April: Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone. + — Guy: But- + — April: I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye! + +[turns back to Andy] + + — April: Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that +idiot. +% + — Leslie: So Chris do you have any sisters? + — Chris: No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters? + — Leslie: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting? + — Chris: No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting? + — Leslie: Any aunts? + — Chris: Nope. You have aunts? + — Leslie: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps? + — Chris: Nope. + — Ron: Did you forget how to have a conversation? +% + — Leslie: So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time? + — Chris: Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up +on current events. + — Leslie: Oh that's what you call it? + — Chris: Sorry? + — Leslie: How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? +She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder +probably. +% + — Tom: Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking. + — Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were +more spiritual- + — Tom: SHUT UP YOU NERD!! + — Ben: I get it. Okay. +% + — Ron: [lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!! + — Leslie: Ron!? + — Ron: What in the Devil's name is this!!?? + — Chris: Portobello Mushrooms! + — Ron: Where's the steak!!?? + — Chris: Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically +grown. + — Ron: ...[starts to faint] +% +[April puts on a Snakehole shirt and pretends to be a waitress] + + — April: Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve. + — Bartender: Do you work here? + — April: Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole. +% + — Andy: This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club +and give to ourselves. +% + — Leslie: Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never +been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with +her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does +kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is. +% + — Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and +broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I +tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he +left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, +and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One +guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't +always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine +and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. +Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me. + — Ann Who's Rebecca? + — Leslie: Exactly. +% + — Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm +worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I +said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand? +% + — Leslie: I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're +amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially +ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and +gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian! + +[Everyone freaks out with excitement] + + — Ron: Well done Leslie! Well done!! + +[Cut to leslie being interviewed] + + — Leslie: Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in +1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was +the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name! + +[Cut back to the office] + + — Ben: So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony? + — Tom: He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference. + — Ben: Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do? + — Ron: Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame. + — Leslie: We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is +25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's +going to look after him. + — Jerry: Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my +Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!? + — Leslie: Isn't it amazing! + — Ben: Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is. + — Everyone: ... + — Leslie: Get out! +% + — Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love +Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses. +% + — Donna: Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man? + — Ann: Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't +even realize he did it. + — Donna: I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing +okay? + — Ann: Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I +was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some +dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did +this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out +kind of stuff. + — Donna: Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm +going to recommend you bottle that noise up. + — Ann: ...That's what my mailman said. +% + — April: Hey, I love you. + — Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce! +% + — Beefy Dude: I don't know what's sicker, me or your body. + — Ann: You're not sick. + — Beefy Dude: Maybe you should check out my abs. + — Ann: Are you experiencing abdominal pain? + — Beefy Dude: Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel. + — Ann: Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh. + — Beefy Dude: What are you doing tonight? + — Ann: I think I'm gonna have to pass. + — Beefy Dude: Your loss. + +[Ann walks over by Donna] + + — Donna: Are you gonna hit that? + — Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material. + — Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. +% + — Jerry: [referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, +they're probably dead. + — Tom: Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God. + — Jerry: For the last time-- + — April: Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy. + — Andy: Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me? + — April: Ron, can you tell Andy-- + — Ron: Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I +love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows +you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that +you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l +Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone? + — Andy: [to April] I do love you, you know. + — April: You do? + — Andy: Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome. +% + — Beefy Dude: It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses +are total grenades. + — Ann: Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here +and make out with me until the lights come back on. + — Beefy Dude: Hell yeah! + — Ann: Beat it Donna. + +[Donna smiles and walks out] + +% + — Ron: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do +some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill +something. +% + — Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it +would inspire me. + — Ann: [reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That +sounds nice. + — Leslie: It was. +% + — Chris: Hey gang! + — Leslie: Hey, what did you bring? + — Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much +as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your +spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction. + — Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake? + — Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier. + — Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived +everyone of cake! + — Leslie: Take a walk, Ron. +% + — Andy: Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me +the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over +there, uh, hence. + — Ron: What? + — Andy: Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes. +% +[Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at] + + — Ann: Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are +horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What? + — Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There +are no friends here! It's every woman for herself. + — Ann: ...You're joking right? + — Donna: Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a +man, I don't get that man. + — Ann: I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous +in my life. + — Donna: Here's some more advice. Beat it! +% + — Ron: Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and +you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do. +% + — Ann: Hi, I'm Ann. + — Ryan: Ryan. + — Ann: What's your occupation? + — Ryan: I'm a manager at a sporting goods store. + — Ann: No way me too! + — Ryan: Seriously!? Which one? + — Ann: No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you. + — Ryan: ...What are you drinking? + — Ann: Hahahaha yeah... + — Ryan: What? + — Ann: Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you. + — Ryan: So you just laughed and said "yeah?" + — Ann: Yeah... + +[Donna cuts in] + + — Donna: Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in +my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell? + — Ann: I told you, I'm Rusty! +% + — Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio. + — Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good? + — Tom: Sure. + — Jean-Ralphio: OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. +Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously. + — Tom: Swingers or Crashers? + — Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from +Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of +that bitch. +% + — Natalie: [Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But +Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone +has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks. + +[Walks off stage] + +% + — Ann: [Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe. + — Donna: That went better, right!? + — Ann: Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes... + +[Donna grimaces] + + — Ann: I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting +married. + — Donna: So? + — Ann: So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long +time. + — Donna: [Sarcastically] Alright... + — Ann: What!? + — Donna: "What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor. + — Ann: I'm a nurse actually... + — Donna: Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your +attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you +didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking +at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself? + — Ann: ...Alright. +% + — Ron: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax +and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do +not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy. +% + — Tom: Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes. + — Leslie: What? Oh boy. + +[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe] + + — Leslie: Hi Joe. + — Sewage Joe: What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? +Van's out back, let's roll. + — Leslie: Where is this coming from!? + — Sewage Joe: I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's +driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come +on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department. + — Leslie: Great. Okay. + +[Leslie turns around to leave] + + — Sewage Joe: Liking the view. + +[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away] + + — Sewage Joe: Still got it Joe. + — Leslie: No you don't! +% + — Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger? + — Ron: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then +yes. Delicious. +% +[Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile] + + — Leslie: Yellow haired female likes waffles and news. + — Ann: [typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life. + — Leslie: Much better. + — Ann: Hobbies? + — Leslie: Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming +on my planner! + — Ann: Favorite place? + — Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a +bench in front of it. + — Ann: ...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the +Grand Canyon... + — Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural. + — Ann: What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are? + — Leslie: Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural! + — Ann: Okay what do you think of dogs? + — Leslie: Love! + — Ann: Cats? + — Leslie: Love! + — Ann: Fish? + — Leslie: Love! + — Ann: Turtles? + — Leslie: ...No opinion. + — Ann: ... + — Leslie: They're condescending. + — Ann: Describe your ideal man. + — Leslie: He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ. + — Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera. + — Leslie: Mmmmm. +% + — Craig: [on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I +help you? + — Leslie: Craig your service is crap!! + — Craig: Can you be more specific? + — Leslie: Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like +him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a +little sister to me. + — Craig: We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands +of couples. I actually met my wife on the site. + — Leslie: Really? Well that's not gonna last. + — Craig: Excuse me? + — Leslie: You heard me! Your marriage is a sham!! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up] +% + — Leslie: Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I +talk to you for a second? + — Sewage Joe: You can do anything to me for any number of seconds. + — Leslie: Hmmm. + — Sewage Joe: Would you like to talk outside in my van? + — Leslie: No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I +was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman? + — Sewage Joe: She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair. + — Leslie: So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old +person. + — Sewage Joe: Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster. +% + — Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite +food? + — Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what +I call it? + — Chris: Skittle Sandwich? + — Andy: ...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's +nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in +the Skittles. +% + — Tom: 'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call +sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool +blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' +cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. + Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. +I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas +are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes. +% + — Grain n' Simple Employee: Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% +meatless. + — Ron: Yes please. + +[Employee hands him a piece and Ron throws it in the trash] + + — Grain n' Simple Employee: ... + — Ron: Another please. + +[Employee hands him another piece and Ron throws it in the trash] + + — Grain n' Simple Employee: Sir is there a problem? + — Ron: I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this. + — Grain n' Simple Employee: I...I don't think I can give you anymore. + — April: I want one. + +[Employee hands her a piece and April throws it in the trash] + +% + — Ron: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of +my stuff. +% + — Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and +you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. +Ready? + — Tom: Okay. + — Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks. + — Tom: One. + — Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt. + — Tom: One. + — Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec... + — Tom: [Interrupting] One. + — Leslie: That’s what you do. + — Tom: One. + — Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college. + — Tom: [Smiling] Eight. + — Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History. + — Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please. +% + — Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger +Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, +toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and +microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy! + — Tom: This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing. + — Donna: What is this in here? Saffron? + — Chris: Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette! + — Kyle: I love the umami flavor. + — Jerry: Stop being so pretentious Kyle! + — Kyle: Sorry. + — Ron: Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with +nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less. + — Chris: Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna +have a real challenge. + — Tom: Never mind this is better! + — Donna: Way better! + — Jerry: Mmmmm Mmmhmm! + — Andy: ...Kyle? + — Kyle: ...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better. + — Andy: Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so +much better it's crazy! + — Ron: Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry. + — Chris: I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. +Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one +of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve +horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers. + — Everyone: Yay!!! +% + — Ron: OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature. +This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People +did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over they'll be +hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is +beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature +when they can just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not +misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art +and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech. +% + — Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: +topless Leslie glued to a horse! +% + — Leslie: That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art +contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless +you want an arrow in your ass Marcia. +% + — Andy: Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep? + — Ben: Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. +I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee? + — Andy: Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right? + — Ben: No. Do you know what cute means? +% + — Brandi Maxxxx: I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I +do is obviously art. + — Leslie: Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of +a Greek myth and a pornographic movie. + — Brandi Maxxxx: It's okay Leslie, I got this one. + — Leslie: What!? + — Brandi Maxxxx: What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be +able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's +girl on girl action, bondage or what have you! + — Leslie: Okay hang on... +% + — Leslie: Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice +Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see +it." + — Perd Hapley: Brandi, how would you define pornography? + — Brandi Maxxxx: For me, it's when the penis goes in. +% + — Marcia: So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it +privately and I put the footage on my blog... + — Leslie: You've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important +to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it +home and we'll keep it there. What do you say? + — Marcia: I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell. +[Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated? + — Leslie: I don't...I don't know... + — Marcia: No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can +load it in the back. + — Leslie: No! + +[Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it] + + — Marcia: Hey! Come back here! + — Leslie: Make me stag!! I am Diaphena!!! +% + — Andy: Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a +cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that +marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when +you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know. + — April: [deeply touched] You're going to make me cry. +% + — Leslie: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it +redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone +calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a +well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is +on Friday! +% + — Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially +don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information +about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark +to sell cards. +% + — April: Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house? + — Ron: What? + — April: Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus? + — Ron: There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a +street. + — April: Do you have space for like a huge circus tent? + +[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons] + + — Ann: Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons +with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!! + — Ron: Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy. + — Ann: These were for a sick child at the hospital!! + +[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on +it] + + — Ron: ...Ah. My office now. + — Ann: I don't work for you! + — Ron: Don't care. +% + — Ron: I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday? + — Ann: Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday! + — Ron: Shut your damn mouth. + — Ann: This is a fun conversation. +% + — Chris: You want me to do what now? + — Ron: Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or +something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts. + — Chris: I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory? + — Ron: No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it. + — Chris: Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything. + — Ron: [Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday. + — Chris: Hey!! Happy Birthday!! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth] + +[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face] + +% + — Leslie: You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever +rich people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're +a Pawnee girl. + — Lindsay: No Leslie, I'm not. + — Leslie: Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the +legendary JJ's Diner? + — Lindsay: It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives! + — Leslie: Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop. + — Lindsay: [feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you +go! + — Leslie: HOW DARE YOU!? + +[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her] + +% + — Leslie: I will never apologize to her. + — Lindsay: Nor I her. + — Leslie: [In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a +stupid fart face. + — Lindsay: Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you? + — Leslie: Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!? +% + — Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching +Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants. +% + — Ann: First of all, this color looks amazing on you. + — Leslie: Thank you. + — Ann:Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a +rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you +turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word +and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat. + — Leslie: [deeply touched] Thank You. +% + — Lindsay: What's going on here? + — Leslie: Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an +idea that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to +bash your head in with a baseball bat. + +[View of Ann smiling and waving] + +% +[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker] + + — Ron: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. + — Leslie: ...I did. I broke it. + — Ron: No. No you didn't. Tom? + — Tom: Don't look at me. Look at Ben. + — Ben: What?! I didn't break it. + — Tom: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken? + — Ben: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken. + — Tom: Suspicious. + — Ben: No it's not! + — Jerry: If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it. + — April: Liar! I don't even drink that crap! + — Jerry: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier? + — April: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows +that Jerry! + — Leslie: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron. + — Ron: No! Who broke it!? + — Ben: Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet. + — Donna: REALLY?! + +[Everyone starts arguing] + + — Ron: [being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I +predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on +their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy +around here. +% + — Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. +Dennis Cooper was fired today. + — Ben: Why? + — Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an +affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city +hall. I'm sure you've seen them. + — Ben & Leslie: Oh yeah. + +[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs] + + — Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee +Health Department." + +"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers." + + +"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia." + + +"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. +Brought to you by the Health Department." + + +"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville." + +% + — Andy: Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you? + — April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. +Who are you? + — Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I +was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now +I work alone. + — April: Lovely to meet you. + — Andy: I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty. + — April: [slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!!? [walks away] + — Andy: ...Nice. +% + — Ron: Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with +people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You +should buy it. + — Bar Patron: Yeah okay, thanks man. + — Ron: Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. +[hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now. +% + — Tom: Traegermeister!! You made it! + — Chris: Yeah I got your email. We need to talk. + — Tom: First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% +alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake. + — Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me. +% + — Ann: No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're +going too slow with Ben! + — Leslie: No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job! + — Ann: No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not +acting on your feelings! + — Leslie: No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in +feelings! + — Ann: Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up! + — The Douche: Mmm-hmm! + — Ben: Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling. + — Leslie: Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance +with me? Go get me another snork juice. + — Ben: Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you. + — Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio! + — Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here! + — Leslie: Dance up on me! + — Jean-Ralphio: Yes, yes, yes! +% + — Andy: You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do. + — Ben: ...that explains the outift. + — Andy: Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss +and sex is forbidden because she works for you. + — Ben: ...That is our actual situation. + — Andy: And she's addicted to spanking. + — Ben: Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good. +% +[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom] + + — Leslie: If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! +He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird. + — Ann: You talked to Chris before you talked to me?! + +[A girl walks between them] + + — Leslie: EXCUSE ME! + +[Cut to Leslie being interviewed] + + — Leslie: This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe +that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a +watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. +All I need to do is focus, and stay calm. + +[Cut back to Leslie and Ann] + + — Leslie: You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid!! [Runs into +the restroom] + — Ann: UGH!! +% + — Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted. + +[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie] + + — Leslie: You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and +then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!! + +[cuts to a drunk Tom] + + — Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's +in there. + +[cuts to a drunk Ann] + + — Ann: I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna +tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag. + +[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben] + + — Ben: Baba booey. + +[cuts to a drunk Andy] + + — Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and +stuff... macaroni salad... + +[cuts to a drunk April] + + — April: [rapidly speaks Spanish] + +[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake +Juice] + + +[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically] + +% +[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz] + + — Ron: Is this everybody? + — Donna: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, +where to first? + — Leslie: Your mother's butt! + +[Everyone laughs] + + — Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone... + — Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all +walking home. +% + — Chris: There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] +Ben, is there something we can do?! + +[silence] + + — Chris: Damn it, Ben's not here... +% + — Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health +department. + — Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we +dead? + — Ben: I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning. + — Leslie: Really? + — Ben: No, I threw up in the shower. +% +[Ben and Leslie are interviewing people] + + — Ben: Thank you, we'll let you know. + +[Interviewee walks out] + + — Ben: And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh] +% + — Ben: You're wearing snow pants... + — Ann: I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding... + +[View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight] + +% +[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position] + + — Leslie: You came! + — Ann: Yeah I had some encouragement. + — Ben: Your sweater's on inside-out. + — Ann: And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. +Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice. + — Leslie: Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of +candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass. + — Ann: This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved +like a total jackass. + — Leslie: Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands. + — Ann: Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but +first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket. + — Leslie: Would you mind if I joined you? + — Ann: Not at all! Shall we? +% + — Ron: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet +that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. +...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old. +% + — Leslie: I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I +mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as +I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so... +% +[after her and Ben's first kiss] + + — Leslie: Uh-oh. +% +[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons] + + — Leslie: Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new +part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!! + — Ann: Leslie this is so nice! + — April: [popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these +balloons so if any of them pops you may die. + — Andy: [popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses +fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] +School. + — Leslie: We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's +First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve +noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party. + — Tom: [popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!! + — Ann: How many of you are in here!? + — Leslie: There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart +and he's kind of a grouch. + — Ann: I have an office mate? + — Stuart: [popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of +here!! + — Ann: ...Hi I'm Ann. +% +[Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann] + + — Leslie: Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!! + — Stuart: It's my office too- + — Leslie: Stuart! + +[Stuart awkwardly walks out] + + — Leslie: Wow that guy was rude. +% + — Chris: I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this +department's potential. Jerry. + — Jerry: Mmm? + — Chris: I believe that you are capable of so much more. + — Jerry: I'm Not. + — Chris: Nonsense. Look in the mirror! + — Jerry: Huh? + — Chris: You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm +making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday +briefing sessions. + — Ron: Excellent idea. +% + — Chris: April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from +now on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office. + — April: Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up! +% + — Leslie: Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a +meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and +I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot. + — Ben: Okay. + — Leslie: Go! + — Ben: Hello- + — Leslie: Wrong. + — Ben: What? + — Leslie: No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking. + — Ben: ...Id like to discuss the school bus- + — Leslie: I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be +sitting by now. + — Ben: What? + — Leslie: Just walk in and take a seat. + — Ben: Um... + — Leslie: "Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And +now you've crossed your legs like a woman. + — Ben: God! Okay should we just start over? + — Leslie: No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's +top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel +Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it. + — Ben: "Deliverance," the movie? + — Leslie: Mmmhmmm. + — Ben: Oh God. +% + — Donna: This ain't gonna work. + +[Ron swivels away from Donna] + + — Donna: Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you. + +[Ron swivels back] + + — Donna: This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy!! I'm down to one word +a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships. + — Ron: Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups +always peter out. We just have to wait. + — Donna: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million +dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office +and have a word with him. +% + — Sobbing Woman: There's nothing left. It's over! + — Chris: Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together +and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be. + — Sobbing Woman: [deeply touched] Thank you! + +[she walks away] + + — Tom: Who was that? + — Chris: I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped. +% + — Chris: Ron Swanson! + — Ron: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that +it might ruin the entire department. + — Chris: Now wait a minute... + — Ron: I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my +department has to go back to the way it was. + — Chris: Give them time. They'll adjust. + — Ron: No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's +someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And +you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And +Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he +shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum. + — Chris: That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic. +% + — Andy: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can +of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life. +% + — Leslie: How did you find out? + — Ron: We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you +pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. + +[Ron holds up his phone] + + — Leslie: [over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. + — Ben: [over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again. + — Leslie: [over phone] OK, lay down... + +[Ron puts his phone away] + + — Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg. + — Ron: Unfortunately not. + — Ben: Ugh. + — Ron: This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you +CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him. + — Leslie: Ron, we're being very careful. + +[Ron holds up his phone] + + — Leslie: [over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open. + — Ben: [over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let +me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship. + — Leslie: OK, yes... + — Leslie: [over phone] Oh no! + — Leslie: ...You've proven your point. +% + — Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home. + — Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole? + — Tammy Two: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station. + — Donna: Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back! + — Ron: No kidding, Donna. + — Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife. + — Ron: ...Tammy One? + — Donna: She's in your office. + +[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds] + + — Tammy Two: Oh Shit! [runs away in fear] +% + — Chris: What's the point of doing 10,000 push-ups a week if you have no +one to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a lovely woman... +sitting on my back to increase my resistance. +% + — Ron: I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a +bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed. +% + — Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I +thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l +Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect! +% + — Leslie: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the +proceeds will go towards L'il Sebastian's favorite charity...The Afghan +Institute of Learning... +% + — Andy: [Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the +wind? + +[Cut to Andy about to perform at the memorial] + + — Andy: This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind" +% diff --git a/parks-and-recreation.4-7 b/parks-and-recreation.4-7 new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..40492f9076e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/parks-and-recreation.4-7 @@ -0,0 +1,3234 @@ +[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her] + + — Ron: Knope, follow me. + — Leslie: Just one second. + — Ron: NOW. + +[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway] + + — Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going +on? + — Ron: My ex-wife is back. + +[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand] + + — Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard. + — Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One. + +[Leslie gasps] + + — Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of +them. While I'm gone, you're in charge. + +[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and +retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct] + + — Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, +or it will begin to smell. Godspeed. + +[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.] + +% + — Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just +said about this situation. +% + — Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever +seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was +distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen. +% + — Ron: Hello Tammy. + — Tammy One: Ronald. + — Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want? + — Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust? + — Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives. + — Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald. + — Ron: I don't care. + — Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling? + — Ron: ... + — Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for +all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep... + — Ron: I don't need your help. + — Tammy One: Wrong. You do. As your so fond of saying, "It's a Free +County." Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail. +% + — Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron. +Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail. + — Ron: Are you broken? +% + — Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. +My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy. +% + — Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist? + — Model: I guess. I don't really know. + — Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you? + — Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical. + — Ben: ... + +[cut to Ben being interviewd] + + — Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence! +% +[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent] + + — Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am +Leslie Knope, Deputy- + — Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again +while I'm here. + +[Leslie awkwardly sits down] + +% + — Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! +This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. +We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your +accounts. And your home. + — Ron: ...Is that necessary? + — Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid? + — Everyone: ... + — Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name? + — Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski... + — Tammy One: Really? + — Andy: No...Andy Dwyer. + — Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to +put it in my car. Ms. Knope! + — Leslie: Yes!? + — Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's +workplace expense reports. + — Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because +Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle +royale. It's super fun- + — Tammy One Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will +remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in +Terre Haute. + — Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll. + — Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger. + — Leslie: Yes ma'am... +% +[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully] + + — Ron: Good morning everyone! + — Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] +Ron!! Your mustache fell off!! + — Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked +better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is +very unsanitary. + — Leslie: What? + — Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy? + — Jerry: ...What? + — Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one? + — Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she +converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers. + — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help? + — Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense. +% + — Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm +not quite sure how to phrase them. + — Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between +you and me. Right my love? + — Tammy One: Stop fidgeting. + — Ron: Sorry. + — Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone. + — Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na. + — Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool. + — Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and +you need to go. + — Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom? + — Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands! + +[Ron gets up and leaves] + + — Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real? + — Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I +want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future +was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold... + — Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger! +% + — Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat +Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense. + — Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to +Andy] Who's this tall drink of water? + — Andy: Andy... + — Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging? + — Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move +your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat? + — Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch +is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot. + — April: Eww! + — Andy: Could we take a peek at it? + — Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can +pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of +acid. + — Leslie Oh my God! + — Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron. + — April: Andy... + — Leslie: Don't joke around. + — Andy: I...have ideas too... +% +[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom] + + — Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!! + — Leslie: Why do you have so many guns? + — Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it? + — Leslie: Yes... + — Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing +on my own property! Let's go! + — April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom. +% + — Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this. + — Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off. + +[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol] + + — April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel! + — Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever +grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed +boats. + — Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to +the farm for good. + — Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal! + — Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty. + — Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and +if I win, Ron stays here with us. + — Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the +mules! + +[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor] + + — Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake! +% +[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine] + + — Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough? + — Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close! + — Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close... + — Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this. + — Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy. +% +[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor] + + — Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! + — Ron: She's had enough. Call it off. + — Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out. + — April: Wait, I'm subbing in. + — Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail. + — April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. + +[April takes a swig of the liquor] + + — April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD! + — Ron: Okay! This ends now! + +[Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement] + + — Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're +going back to Hell. + — Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground +safe. I stole half your gold. + — Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe +buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all. + — Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be +there the minute you die. + +[Tammy One Walks Out] + + — Leslie: Ron...your family's weird... +% + — Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts." I'm Derry Murbles, +filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration +patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. +% + — Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote +it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make +it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we +removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and +here it is! +% + — Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting +of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted? + — Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one? +% + — Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like you +phones? + — April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life. +% + — Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to +tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism. + — Joan: In what way? + — Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face. + — Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born? + — Leslie: Pawnee!! + — Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly! + +[music starts and dancers come out] + + — Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!! +% + — Ann I could leave. I could but I'm not going to. I'm will get my one +minute of small talk dammit!! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE. +% + — Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need +to know the truth about where you were born. + — Leslie: Okay. Well- + — Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many +of you were actually born in Pawnee? + +[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand] + + — Chris: ..Fair enough. + — Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here. + — Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate? + — Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me- + — Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you +came from!! + — Leslie: I am back from where I came from!! + — Man: That sentence was confusing!!! You might as well be from China!!! +% + — Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should +model. + — Ben: ...That never happened. + — Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know +he's the luckiest man in the world? + — Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing. + — Tom: Oh... + — Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual +appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches. + — Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor... +% + — Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other +things... if you know what I mean. + — Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina? +% + — Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with +April. + +[cut to Ann trying to talk to April] + + — Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering +if you could recommend anything. + — April: ...The internet. + — Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it? + — April: Prison. + — Ann: How's your sister doing? + — April: She has the shingles. + — Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City? + — April: Alf. + +[cut back to Ann being interviewed] + + — Ann: And nine seconds with Ron. + +[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron] + + — Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring +with you? + — Ron: Silence... + — Ann: ... +% + — Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek. + — Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same +alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that +it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just +say the message boards are going nuts. + +[pause] + + — Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home +and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] +at the same time. +% + — Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort +probably. +% + — Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video +games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me +and Mother Nature. + — Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call +me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call. + — Ron: Thank you Andy. + — Andy: Brother Nature. +% + — Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle." + +[applause] + + — Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!" + — Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that. + — Leslie: I'll say! +% + — Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The +answer is mine. Say mine is better. + — Ron: It's not a competition. + — Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept +girls out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! +My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors! + — Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie! + — Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle +Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my +haird... +% + — Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones? + — Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel +Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, +they're telling human stories in a fantasy world. +% + — Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured +craft time? Lauren? + — Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein! + +[applause] + + — Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow +that. Ann? + — Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they +kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters. + — Everyone: ... + — Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws +dolls in the fire] + — Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important. +% + — Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we +treat ourselves to? + — Donna: Clothes. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Fragrances. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Massages. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Mimosas. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: It's the best day of the year. + — Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year! +% + — Ron: You are defecting? + — Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and +eat beans. + — Ron: Those beans were a reward. +% + — Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your +back and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base. +% + — Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by +proving that we were better than them! + — Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better +solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum! + — Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren. + — Lauren: What was that? + — Leslie: I said great idea Lauren! +% + — Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie +Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30. +% + — Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's +expensive and there's no use for it. + — Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self. + — Ben: ... + — Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a +cashmere, velvet candy cane. + — Donna: Treat Yo Self! + — Ben: ...This is insane. +% +[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume] + + — Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd! + — Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing? + — Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. +You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes +you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? +You're gonna Treat Yourself! + — Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. +Thanks you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself! + — Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying. +% + — Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun? +% + — Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the +water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I +Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little +boys be super into me...that came out wrong. +% + — Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often +suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with +business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: +Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor. + — Tom: Oh my God! + — Leslie: I'm not going to use that. +% + — Ben: I take it we're having a party? + — Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry. + — Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have +an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. + — Andy: That's a good point. +% + — Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of +problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint +at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced. +% + — Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman. + — Donna: Yup. You're a regular- + — Chris: -Sherlock Holmes!! I solved that mystery before you did. + — Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away] +% + — Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year? + — Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your +bathroom faucet is leaking? + — Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What +else do they want me to do? + — Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well. + — Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and +you touch the wire, YOU DIE!!! + — Ron: ...Yes that is accurate. +% + — Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. +If you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say +without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick. +% + — Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and +Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says +sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans. +% +[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners] + + — Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private +citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments. + — Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads. + — Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya. + +[Tanya looks insulted] + + — Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand +behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I +have a lot of support in the community for that. + +[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly] + +% + — Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I +think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad. +% + — Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor! + — Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're +all good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech? + — Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs +and sit on your own face!? +% +[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house] + + — Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on? + — Ron: I know more than you. + — Lowe's Employee: ...Alright. +% + — Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and +what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not +referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many +businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount +Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile +Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... Smooth Operator Bikini +Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan... +% +[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink] + + — Ann: Oh my God! We made it work! + — Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I +just love it so much. +% + — Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you. + — Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room. + — Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm +gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature. + +[starts beating up Ben] + +% +[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink] + + — Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench. + — Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a +triple three bolt smack. + — Ron: That was nonsense. + — Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that! + — Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it. + — Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron. +% + — Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, +good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person. +% + — Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along +with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a +company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you. +% + — Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] +business. +% + — Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland? + — Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so. + — Leslie: OK, how about Japan? + — Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? +They've never been the bad guys. +% + — Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie! + — Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick +in front of your weeping mother! + — Ben: ...Good Lord. +% + — Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time +in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't +actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy. +% + — Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and +now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean? + — Ann: I think you know what it means. + — Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long +as possible so Ben and I can keep working together. + — Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant. + — Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and +then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I +will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann. + — Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes... + — Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful +pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently +support me on this gameplan. + — Ann: Leslie... + — Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann... + — Ann: Leslie... + — Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit +endorsement of all my behaviors. +% + — Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel +mill. He didn't think I should go to college. +% + — Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing? + — Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought +it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as +a joke to shut me up. + — Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that? + — Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt. +% + — Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links +Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking? + — Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively +prove... + — Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will +fire you and have you prosecuted. + — Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut +me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! +Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay! +% + — Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city +council again, Leslie. With our help. + — April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media. + — Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach. + — Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator. + — Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be. + — Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz. + — Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I +was supposed to come up with something. I... + — Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need. + — Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on +hold. + — Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on +hold. + — Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an +election! +% + — Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein. + — Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much! + — Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle. + — Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney? + — Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, +correct? + — Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume +might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking +about. Don't know what QuickBooks are. + — Barney: You don't have any accounting experience? + — Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an +accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often? + — Nancy: To my job? + — Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it. + — Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the +spreadsheets? + — Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back +to my place and I will rock your— + — Barney: You're fired! + — Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in? +% + — Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political +campaign. + — Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and +you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare +hands! + — Ann: No I haven't. + — Leslie: You haven't!? + — Ann: No! + — Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse. +% + — Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes +and say yes. + — Ann: Okay yes! + — Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann. + — Ann: Thank you. + — Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing +like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again. + — Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago. + — April: Wow you're doing a really bad job. +% + — Leslie: William, Elizabeth! + — William: Leslie, hi. + — Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that +I'm relaunching my campaign? + — William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been +meeting with other potential candidates for City Council. + — Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find +someone else and run theirs? + — Elizabeth: Yes that's our job. + — Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new +advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers. + — Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke +everything. + — Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in. + — William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly. + +[William and Elizabeth start walking away] + + — Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're +relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone. +% + — Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign +managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional +assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was +way better in my head. +% +[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion] + + — Ben: That is a three-legged dog. + — Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion. + — Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog +have when you found him? + — Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs +than most dogs can do with four. + — April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging. + — Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the +house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and +Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever. + — Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death. + — Andy: Yes! + — Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you. + — April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, +Andy and I have jobs. + — Ben: ...Cruel but fair. +% + — Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager. + — Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that +they wear a lot of dark colors. + — Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked +guys Ann. + — Ann: ...What? +% + — Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone? + — April: Here sit on my lap. + — Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap? + — Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it. + — Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap. + — Tom: Yes sir. +% + — Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you +wanna do. + — Pistol Pete: Okay. + — Leslie: I think you wanna dunk. + — Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball. + — Ann: What about a layup? +% + — Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years +old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what +laws are we breaking exactly? + — Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a +seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. +The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a +commercial license to drive a truck. + — Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what +constitutes a law. +% + — Leslie: Glenn you're killing me. + — Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried +to get that gimp dog to bite me. + — Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and +I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and +do what comes naturally. + — Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate... +% + — Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming? + — Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the +biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage] + — Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What +happened to the rest of my face!? + — Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause +windows are the eyes to the house. +% + — Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that +you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here. + — Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that +term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there! + — Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?! + — April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry? +% + — Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as +a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem. +% + — Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always +been proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here +when they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that +was something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a +disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I +can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will +be interesting! +% + — Leslie: Ann you're fired. + — Ann: Oh thank God. +% + — Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the +town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in +the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections. +% + — Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is +wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business. + — Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects. + — John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam? + — Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day. + — John: Where will all the water go? + — Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never +happening and your dream has been crushed. + — Chris: We're very sorry. + — Ron: I am not. Good meeting. +% + — Jerry: Is everybody feeling good? + — April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls +to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse. +% + — Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. +Anything more and this becomes figure skating. +% + — Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared. +% + — Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. +[laughs] She's weird. +% + — Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love. + — Ann: What did you say something? + — Leslie: Love you! +% + — Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. + — Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron. + — Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. +% + — Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in +her? + — Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything. + — Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. + — Leslie: Silence. + — Jerry: ...I don't think she does- + — Tom: Would she like some!? +% + — Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz. + — Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I +don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound. +% + — Andy: Aww cool cryptex!! Can I have it!? + — Ben: Hey! No, no you can't! + — Andy: Where'd you get it!? + — Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is? + — Andy: I know what things are. + — Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in +here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third +date. + — Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?' + — Ben: ...That's a four letter word. + — Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'? + — Ben: I really don't think it's that. + — Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the +second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know. + +[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office] + + — Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open. + — Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?' + — Andy: Ha! + — Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?! + — Andy: Just smart people. + — Ron: I think I might be able to help you. + — Andy: Told ya! + +[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex] + +% +[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man] + + — Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann! + — Leslie: Jerry! Well done! + — Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual +Fun." Enrico here responded right away! + — Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay? + — Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude. + — Tom: You hired a male escort. + — Jerry: A what? + — Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here. + — Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God... +% + — Leslie: How are you? + — Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's +dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be! + — Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and +you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to +'Single Ladies' by yourself? + — Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you? + — Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink! +% + — Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like +the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself. + — Chris: It is. + — Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you +rebound!? + — Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. +Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry] + — Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that! +% + — Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this +town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department. + — Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say. + — Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives? + — Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too. + — Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna +make a decision... + — Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at +O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an +answer. Weirdo can come, too. + — Ben: Alright. + — Leslie: Let's go. + — Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say... + — Leslie: Don't. + — Ben: ...that the boys in blue... + — Leslie: Stop. + — Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it +comes........9/11. + — Leslie: And we're walking. + — Ben: OK. +% + — Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, +involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I +relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is +southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement +at that time. +% + — Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people. +% + — Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. +% + — Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee +seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying." +% + — Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves +to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I +slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious. +% + — Donna: Do I look like I drink water? +% + — Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho +means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other +implications as well. So those are a maybe. +% + — April: Why are you here eating alone? + — Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. +And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no +arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel. + — April: That's impossible. + — Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story. +% + — Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my +campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's +me. +% + — Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in +that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat +the whole thing. +% + — Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make +anything sound positive. + — Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock +market. + — Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is +measured by the amount of love in your life. +% + — Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want +it to be me. +% + — Leslie: Is the menu all set? + — Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson +ribs. + — April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances! + — Andy: Sweet! + — Leslie: No! +% + — Donor: So you do a lot of investing? + — Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage +sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine +glass and stares at it] The economy. +% + — Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you +ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us +more money. That is all. Ron Swanson. +% + — Leslie: Do it!! Fierce!! Power!! Pump it up!! 2012!! Nothing gets me more +amped than Sarah McLachlan! +% +[Candidates are giving their opening statements] + + — Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells +you your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium. + — Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! + — Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending +machines. + — Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know +about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year +alone. + — Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! + — Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to +be the only woman in a room full of men. + — Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as +important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my +own children. +% + — Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people +do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is +having sex with men and women on camera. + — Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same +person. +% + — Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as +Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been There, Done That. April is Currently Doing +That. Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream. Chris, code name: If I Had To +Pick A Dude. Ben is Eagle Two. + — Ben: Oh thank God. +% + — Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell +you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel +the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate +this city's libraries!! + +[Applause and cheers from the crowd] + +% + — Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day +all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon. +% + — Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go +down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and +then BAM, I start crying. +% + — Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?! + — Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop +campaigning. We stop, we lose! + — Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said. + — Ann: I'm not gonna beat him. + — Leslie: Not with that attitude! + — Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to +Bobby in person. + — Leslie: April? + — April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann! + — Leslie: Andy? + — Andy: If..I..If...The guy... + — Leslie: Okay! +% + — Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. +If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. +Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with +huge cans. + — Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to now about it. +% + — Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and +published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions? + — Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call +Mr. Newport a jerk? + — Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need +to be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not +calling Nick Newport Hitler. + — Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call +"Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family +you'd like to attack? + — Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of +some kind? + — Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody. + — Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river? +% +[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes] + + — Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!! + — Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on? + +[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck] + + — Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me! + — Tom: Am I dead? + — Bill: WHAT THE HELL!? + — Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me. + — Bill: That is not what happened. + — Donna: I got witnesses. + — Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man. + — Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred." + — Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole. + — Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals. + — Bill: GAH!!! +% + — Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis +to everyone and you've come here to pie him! + — Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming! + — Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I +would love nothing- + +[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face] + + — Andy: Aww Fuck Ben!! Sorry!! + +[Police take Sewage Joe away] + + — Andy: Oh ho!!! I did it!!! + — Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job. +% + — Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt +so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were +playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, +tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and +gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real. +% + — Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope. + — Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the +concession speech you wrote for me. + — Ben: I never wrote it. +% + — Leslie: City Council, bitches! +% + + — Andy: You OK, boss? + — Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but +all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca. + — Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca? + — Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares +confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses +into one woman called Hot Rebecca. + — Andy: Oooh. + — Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super +PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat. + — Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is +gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam. + — Leslie: No. + — Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass +Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up +on stuff. + — Leslie: Thanks. + — Andy: That's what makes you... + — Leslie: Nope. + — Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it. +% + — Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn. +% + — Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. +Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which +was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town... +% + — Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce +option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there +is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a +child size soda? + — Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the +child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59. +% + — Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber. +% + — Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new +plan. Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy! +% + — Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide +healthier options like Water Zero. + — Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there +are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per +serving. Isn't that misleading? + — Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which +is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only +60 calories. +% +[At a public forum] + + — Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job +losses lightly. + — Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas +and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in +ten years... + — Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months? + — Woman: Well we have lots of other problems. +% + — Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right +everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab +a slice of Za bro! + — Ellis: Okay. + — Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!? + — Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown. + — Ben: Dude! So did I! In college! + — April: Whoa! You guys should get married! +% + — Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes! +% + — Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's +vaginas. + — Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals. + — Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!? +% + — Leslie: Hey. + — Ann: Hey you look weird. + — Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful. +% + — Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!! + — Ellis: ...What? + — Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind. +% + — Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes. + — April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up] + — Ellis: What is your problem?! + — April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and +if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know +where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your +eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a +dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that? + — Ellis: Yes. + — April: Do it! +% + — April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count. + — Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week. +% + — Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT. +% + — Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia. + — Andy: Woo! +% + — Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what +they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of +them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field +day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a +lot of crabs. +% + — Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, +they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause +they're close to death. + — Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery. + — Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny." +% + — Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can +ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady +accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly +since LBJ was president! + — Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more +concerned with disease. + — Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? + — Ann: I don't think so no. + — Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do? + — Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat? + — Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy +scooter. + — Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna +jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo! + — Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a +doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 +to ride this train! + — Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann] +% + — Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next +thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before +you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want? + — Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want. +% + — Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan! + — Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with +them on your own time! + — Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those. +% + — Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses. + — Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading +at chapter three. + — Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your +Pants & No-one Is Invited... + — Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is +to magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen! + — Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania. + — Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away] + — Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying. +% + — Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi +Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it. +% + — Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you. + — Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing? + — Ben: I can't do that right now. + +[Leslie laughs] + +% + — Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those +death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote +was really profane. + — Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't +like how I tweet, don't follow me. + — Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you. + — Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation. +% + — Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge +garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee +Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my +wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing +condition. +% + — Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for? + — April: I dunno, eight cents? + — Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard +"Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam. + — April: Ooh...$900. + — Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right. +% +[Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben] + + — Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have +to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time. + — Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back. + — Leslie: I know. + — Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300... + — Leslie: Alright Martha I get it! +% + — Ben: Marry me? + — Leslie: Oh, yeah! +% + — Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No +one can bring my parents together. +% + — Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops! + — Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/ + — Leslie: We're getting married!! + — Ben: All right. +% + — Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't +come up in my police work +% + — Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond. +% + — Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry +Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a +spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman +Leslie Knope. + — Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin +lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a +park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I +guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal. + — Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the +children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime +nocturnally. + — Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration +of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your +resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't +hurry. +% + — Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is +like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some +junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind! + — Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton. + — Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind. +% + — Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I +pass out. +% + — Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee. +We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years! + — Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So +let's at least go meet the guy. + — Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I +like your plan. + — Ben: ... +% + — Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee +City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job. +% + — Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee +for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help +and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home. +% + — Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start +work on that right away? + — Chris: Yes sir! + — Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere. +% + — Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton. + — Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother! +% + — Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the +public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right? + — Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort. + — Ben: No. You! +% + — Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna +leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee. + — Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out] + — Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ... +% + — Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place? + — Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale +but it looks a lot like dried phlegm. + — Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins +tried to commit suicide. + — Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we +achieved it. + — Ann: So you like the place? + — Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible. + — Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I +have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party! + — Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!? + — Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by +the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off] + — Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the +perfect party. +% +[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design] + + — Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds +and most importantly, smells that define your city. + — Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. +We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with +instructions for those who've never showered before. + +[Pause] + + — Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I +will rip your throats out. + — Ben: Out! Now! + — Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so... + +[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her] + + — Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back! +% + — April: Alright so does this look familiar? + — Andy: No not at all. + — April: I was talking to Joey. + — Joey's Mom: Joey! + — Joey: Mommy! + — Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! +You'll never know how much I appreciate it! + — Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am. + — Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler. + — Joey's Mom: ...What? + — April: Don't worry about it. + +[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away] + + — April: Wow you made those losers very happy. +% + — Ben: What the Hell happened man!? + — Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why +I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting +them out of the building. + — Ben: Well...good! + — Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote +them but I insisted they be fired. + — Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this. + — Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she +could ever get over the bad blood between our towns. + — Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person. + +[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin] + + — Leslie: REVENGE!!! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk!! +WOOOOO!!! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER!!! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying +his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin!! Suck it!! Now we're even. + — Ben: Leslie. + — Leslie: Huh? + — Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did. + — Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away] +% + — April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son. + — Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, +probably having sex with you. +% + — Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used +the money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in +my house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now. + — Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business. +% + — Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas! + — Ron: What? +% + — Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good +chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it +merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!! +% + — Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle +bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you! + — Ron: Get out. + — Leslie: Yeah. okay. +% + — Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I +throw up. +% + — Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. + — Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. + — Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have +been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. +BOOM! I'm out. [walks out] + — April: Who's Matlock? +% + — Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment +from the past year. + — April: Yes! + — Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch +of garbage. + — April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue! + — Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup +with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe! + — Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to +pick up Jerry. + — April & Tom: No!! + — Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people? + — Tom: Not really. + — April: Never! +% +[Leslie talking about Diane] + + — Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane +Sawyer! +% +[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up] + + — Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up! + — Ron: No. + — Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is +perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin +neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring +woodworking stuff! + +[Everyone around them looks offended] + + — Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it +down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval. + — Ron: I don't need your approval. + — Leslie: But you have it. + — Ron: Don't need it. + — Leslie: But you got it! +% + — Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I +am so so happy for him- + +[Tammy Two walks in] + + — Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much +wood ready to be worked. + — Leslie: ...Fuck me! +% + — Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert! + — Ron: She's here isn't she? + — Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be +here! + — Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named +Tammy who is also my ex-wife. + — Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice. + — Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! +Tammy! What are you doing here? + — Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled. +% + — Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is +that? + — April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann!! It's coming out of me +right now!! I'm pregnant!! + — Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely +family. There's no place for meanies. + — April: Oh forget it I'm coming in. + +[April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease] + + — April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!! + — Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are +you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse. + — April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins. + — Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because +they're unflattering to my hands! + — Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do +something nice for Jerry. + — Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take +him to Jerry Dinner. + — Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in. + — Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! +Merry Christmas Bitches!! +% + — Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same +table! + — Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved. + — Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my +boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron? + — Diane: Subtle. +% + — Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so +cold out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna! + — April: ...I actually like that one. +% + — Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo! + — Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place +% + — Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped! +% + — Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's +husband and his friends. +% + — April: You know what? I think men are better than women. + — Leslie: She's kidding + — April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they +are our masters. + — Leslie: April. Stop it! + — April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone. +% + — Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific. + — Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this +pwetty pwetty wittle bead. + — Ron: They're not infants. + — Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay? + — Zoey: You're weird. + — Ann: You're-[runs out] + — Jerry: Well hey girls! + — Ivy: ...No. + — Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away] +% + — Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's +face like a mask!! + — Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! + — Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman? + — Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories! +% + — Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome. + — April: And some privacy to violate! + — Leslie: Yeah!! + — April: Woo! + — Leslie: ...Wait no. +% + — Andy: You are officially a baller. + — Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete. +% + — Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're +here. +% + — Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there. + — Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I +didn't mean to say that. +% + — Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt. + — Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her +that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. +[Ann's mouth is open] What?! + — Ann: Did you just say you love Diane? + — Ron: No. I did not. + — Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute! + — Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!! + — Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo!!! Ron loves mommy!! Ron Loves mommy!! + — Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't +tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard. + — Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy!! [the girls join in] + — Ron: I LOVE NOTHING!!! [runs out] + — Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past] +% + — April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we +have to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin +Hestin, he beat up five cops on that stuff. +% + — Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with +herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating +a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, +"Congratulations, Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario +that would make sense to me. +% + — Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that +my food eats. +% + — Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you? + — Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. +Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark +secret. + — Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful. + — Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read +but I would watch the movie of. + — Ben: That's nonsense. +% + — April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex +pants. + — Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] +Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac. +% + — Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here. +% + — Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those +stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a +sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid. +% + — Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you. + — Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them. +% + — Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which +is bad. +% + — Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is +ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a +cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller. + +Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. + + +Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons. + + +Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. + + +Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" +"Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in +this country. + + +I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie +Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller. + +% + — Leslie: How did you get the word out? + — Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. + — Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. +It's been a very rewarding day. +% + — Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever. +% + — Donna: Did you just pee your pants? + — Jerry: Just a dab. + — Donna: You nasty Jerry. +% + — Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings. +% + — Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to +Game of Thrones." + — Tom: Nooooo... Jerry! +% + — Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is +crooked] How's it looks. + — Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry +tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... +break it a sixth. + — Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay. + — Chris: I have something for you. + — Ben: All right. + — Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have +been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010. + — Ben: [quietly] No way. + — Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those +eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both +found a home. + — Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me. + — Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh] +% + — Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are +a wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you +look very beautiful. +% + — Ron: People who buy things are suckers. +% + — Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on +myself! +% + — Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, +you've never had to compensate for anything. +% + — Ron: I wish this office was just walls. +% + — Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing +everything I say. + — April: So what, I have to be your slave or something? + — Ann: No, you have to be my friend + — April: Ugh, that's so much worse. +% + — Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly. +% + — Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest. + — Donna: Who were you competing against? + — Chris: My own taste buds. +% + — Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is +water that's lying about being milk +% + — Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square +% + — April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable. +% + — April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger. +% + — Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him +several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I +barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And +when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the +ground. I regret nothing. The end. +% + — Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? + — Ron: One. + — Ann: That's it? One drink? + — Ron: One shelf. + — Ann: Do you exercise? + — Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking. + — Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family + — Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga. + — Ann: Allergies? + — Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts + — Ann: Sexual History? + — Ron: Epic and Private +% + — Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent. + — Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface. +% + — Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. + — April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for +animal control? + — Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my +mind. + — Leslie: Get out. + — Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves] + — Chris: I liked him. +% + — Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion +bottles] + — April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused +like a railway worker. + — Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud. + — April: [smiles] Really? Thanks. +% + — Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd +choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do +nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done. +% + — Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What +kind of name is that? + — Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The +half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones? + — Ann: No, do you? + — Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! +Everyone on that show can get it! +% + — Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron. + — Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods? + — Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change +it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day. + — Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you +have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June. + — Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first +time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship. + — Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a +hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm +complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I +love you. + — Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of +anniversaries, so I have seniority. + — Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction. + — Ann: What- no! + — Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed. + — Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get +us the waffle iron back? + — Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. +[pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very +wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth +for example. + — Ann: This is why we don't hang out. +% + — Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do +to! I just moved. +% + — Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger. +% + — April: My spirit blood is on your hands. +% + — Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad. + — Ron: No +% + — Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is +like a giant puppy with no shame. +% + — Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as +well lean into it. +% + + — Andy: Look, Hogwarts. + — Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know +that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that. +% + — Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that +was a mistake. +% + — Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here? + — Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, +there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops. + — Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher +shops first. +% + — Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the +stench of European socialism. +% + — Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a +disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an +island. In space. +% + — Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me? + — Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast! + — Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old +calculator. It doesn't have a name. +% + — Leslie: Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you +know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer +burn widows for learning arithmetic. +% + — Leslie: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The +Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm +told is a fancy horse riding thing. + — Alonso: It is horse dancing madam! + — Leslie: Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in +your saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments! + — April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law! + — Leslie: No! +% + — Leslie: I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new +filing temp... + — Jerry: [walking in] Hey everybody! + — April: NOOOOO!!! + — Tom: Noooo!!! Why!? This can't be happening!! + — Ron: Why Leslie!? +% + — Chris: When we were state auditors we had an amazing system. + — Ben: Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy +and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons! + — Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! + — Ben: You're all fired! + — Chris: Teamwork! +% + — Jerry: When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were +getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. +Because Pawnee needs me. +% + — April: I'm sorry was your name Jennifer? + — Tynnyfer: No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but +then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops +some pills] + — April: ...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's +April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks. + — Tynnyfer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up +where do I get that? + — April: Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona? + — Tynnyfer: I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of +them before. Are they better!? + — April: Winona rocks my world. + — Tynnyfer: Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. +Must. Must. + +[cut to April being interviewed] + + — April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world +with her. +% + — Leslie: Hey this is a surprise! + — Ann: Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could +hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird? + — Leslie: Is everything okay? + — Ann: Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn. + — Leslie: Oh hello! + — Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton. + — Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are +very healthy. + — Leslie: Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you +because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the +only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about +in textbooks. + — Ann: Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk +some more words into Leslie's face. +% + — Leslie: Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, +with your tiny little doll feet. + — Ann: Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm +gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn. + — Leslie: What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew +she was a monster! +% + — Leslie: Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by +treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties? + — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like +totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking +like so much forever! + — Tynnyfer: It's all so delicious! + — April: I know right!? + — Tynnyfer: This is like the best day ever! + — April: I know I'm eating it all up! + — Leslie: Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead +of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower... + — April: Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut! + — Tynnyfer: And Skank! + — April: How crazmazing is that Les!? +% + — Leslie: Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to +stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy +forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a +garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings! +% + — Donna: Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of +medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too +much of today? + — Craig: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too +much!! AND IT'S INCURABLE!! ...Also, I have eczema. +% + — Leslie: Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean +your job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But +I think Craig's gonna have to go. + — Donna: No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met +anyone who cares more about this job. + — Leslie: Huh Donna. I'm right here. + — Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose +between him and me, I'd choose him. + — Leslie: What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!? + — Donna: I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in +Seattle, the fiance in Denver... + — Leslie: Huh!? + — Donna: It won't last. +% + — Ann: Okay we need to talk! + — Leslie: I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some +accent from that new town you might move to!! +% +[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts] + + — Ron: Why are you doing this? + — Leslie: What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally +binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!? + — Ron: You have lost your mind. + — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les. + +[Everyone storms out] + + — Leslie: Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead!! Is that +better!?! +% + — Ron: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? + — Eagleton Ron: Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural +plant extract. + — Ron: Shut your damn mouth. + — Eagleton Ron: No need to curse. + — Ron: There most certainly is! +% + — Leslie: Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All +Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally. +% + — Leslie: So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're +not "Ann pretty" but you have potential. + — Evelyn: ...Thank you but I don't work in this department- + — Leslie: Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie. +% +[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers] + + — Leslie: Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and +then become familiar best friends. + — Craig: I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo +gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown! + — Leslie: Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys +remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig +said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do +you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably. + +[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie] + + — Ron: This way please. + — Leslie: Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best +friends attack Ron!!! + +[Everyone looks very confused] + +% + — Ron: Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!? + — Leslie: I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as +I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!! + — Ron: ... + — Leslie: Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris. + — Ron: Well that's nice. + — Leslie: Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically +hot betrayal!!! +% + — Leslie: We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my +opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark +stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to +do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall +Knope? Don't." + — Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?" + — Leslie: ...Yeah that's a much better idea. + — April: Can I have these question mark stickers? + — Leslie: Why? + — April: I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out] + — Leslie: April no! +% + — Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to +my wife"? + — Ben: It's a complicated legal document. + — Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had +the same will since I was eight years old. + — Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the +man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols? + — Ron: The man who kills me will know. + — Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence +long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer. + — Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, +congressman and doctor. Pass. + — Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if +you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the +government. + — Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of? +% + — Leslie: That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying? + — Donna: Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that +was your thing. + — Leslie: My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making +friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really +cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo! + — Donna: Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam +about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs. +% + — Leslie: I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying? + — Chris: No. + — Leslie: Are you lying? + — Chris: No. + — Leslie: Are you trying to protect my feelings? + — Chris: No. + — Leslie: Do you think I'm being annoying right now? + — Chris: Yes. + — Leslie: So you do think I'm annoying! + — Chris: I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I +think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that +driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of +things. I like cooking. And racquetball! + — Leslie: Now who's annoying? + — Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And +turns out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the +recall haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. +#BossBitch." + — Leslie: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a +bullet for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch." + — Chris: It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her +frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like +racquetball, for your mouth. +% + — Leslie: I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one +person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are +we to judge? + — Donna: And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things. + — Leslie: I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the +future. + — Donna: And I can't promise that I won't complain about it. + — Leslie: Deal. + +[They shake hands] + + — Leslie: I got you an apology present. + — Donna: Oh? + — Leslie: It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got +the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same +time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you +feel about them individually. + — Donna: Let me take a picture. + — Leslie: Are you tweeting this? + — Donna: Mmmhmm. + — Leslie: What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?" + — Donna: Yeah it's "PsychoBoss." + — Leslie: Well, I don't hate that. +% + — Leslie: I cannot wait to hear your Travolta. + — Jamm: Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're +Zuko. + +[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease] + + — Chris: [To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No +twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty! +% + — Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his +financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for +the land. + — Ron: Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin? + — Donna: I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp +ground. Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi... + — Ron: You're describing a hotel. +% + — Jamm: You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you +when you're gone. + — Leslie: Oh... + — Jamm: You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor. + — Leslie: You want to be Lex Luthor? + — Jamm: Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich. + — Leslie: Well okay. I can't argue with that. +% + — Leslie: Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting! + — Chris: She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the +University of Michigan. Go Blue! + — Leslie: ... + — Chris: It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family. + — Leslie: What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no +"Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! +It's ridiculous! +% + — Jamm: Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going +for but I dig your gambit. + — Leslie: There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by +the way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool. + — Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice +very grating. + — Leslie: I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home. +% +[After making a deal with Jamm] + + — Jamm: Deal guys. You must really want that park. + — Leslie: I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best +friend. [talking about Ann] + — Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too. + — Leslie: ... +% + — Leslie: Are you sure you're okay with what you did? + — Chris: Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on +the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope. + — Leslie: Mmmhmmm + — Chris: And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away. + — Leslie: Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening. +% + — Ben: Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city +counselor so everyone be extra supportive. + — Ron: Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind +nod. + — Ben: ...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on +her last day. Any ideas? + — Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay +away from wine! Wine is crying juice. + — Larry: Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really +want more than anything in the world? + — Ben: ...A nice candle! I'm screwed. +% + — Leslie: Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone +through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat +adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the +episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it +that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now. +% +[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein] + + — Dr. Saperstein: So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus +I've ever seen. This could be a superhero! + — Chris: Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you +destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!!! + — Ann: We love you! + — Dr. Saperstein: I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex? + — Chris: Oh my God! Should we? + — Ann: No, right? Or maybe yes? + — Chris: Is there an option other than yes or no? + — Dr. Saperstein: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. +Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila! + — Ann: That'll be fun! + — Chris: It's like the Oscars! + — Ann: Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait +no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great! + — Chris: ... +% +[Ann and Chris are having lunch] + + — Chris: I would be thrilled if we have a girl! + — Ann: Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it! + — Chris: And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily... + — Ann: Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! +[To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you +don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your +face into the deep fryer!! + +[The waitress starts nervously walking away] + + — Chris: And also two waters please but no hurry. + — Ann: Thank you! +% +[reading Dr. Saperstein's note] + + — Chris: We are having a...distributions. + — Ann: ... + — Chris: That's what it looks like. "Distributions." + — Ann: Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says +"I Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf? + — Chris: We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet." + — Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation!! The suspense is +killing me!! + — Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein. + — Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I +hope so. +% + — Leslie: Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have +a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City +Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now. + — Everyone: ... + — Leslie: Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's +happening? Right? + — Tom: Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the +worst. + — Leslie: April? + — April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned +into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it. + — Leslie: Andy? + — Andy: I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go +through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three +days. + — Leslie: Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words +carry great influence so what do you think I should do? + — Ron: I do not think that you should run again. + — Leslie: What the Hell do you know dum dum!!? +% + — Jennifer: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some +consulting? + — Leslie: Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family? + — Jennifer: Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of +that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband? + — Leslie: ...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk. +% + — Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. +But why would you want to? + — Leslie: Because it's my dream job. + — Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run +by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change +at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out +in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and +confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for +kicks. + — Leslie: Is that what you did? + — Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, +Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, +you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open +future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All +of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care +enough about you to lie. +% + — Jennifer: Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're +gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars. + — Leslie: Uh...I just need to... + — Jennifer: I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe +me $1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you +Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move +this back? Don't answer it! +% + — Leslie: Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby +shower. + — Ron: Dear God woman! + — Leslie: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my +personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like +an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I +have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller. + — Ron: We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner] + — Leslie: Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. + +[Leslie spots baby John in the corner] + + — Leslie: [Gasps] Oh my God whose baby is that!? + — Ron: That would be mine. + — Leslie: Guys get in here!! Ron has a baby!! + — Andy: Oh Ron. Cool baby. + — Ron: Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, +John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing +multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of +silence. Please keep your voices down. + — Leslie: How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, +and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!! + — Ron: Why would you need to know something like that? + — Leslie: [pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even +sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a +gift yet! + — April: Should we do something? + — Ron: Just let her tire herself out. + — Larry: If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know. + — Ron: Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet +store and pick up some fish food for me? + — Leslie: WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!? +% + — April: Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the +graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs" + — Leslie: I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the +worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle +giving the middle finger. + — Andy:Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it. +% + — Leslie: A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now +it is time to tear down this wall! + +[Applause from crowd] + + — Leslie: In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the +first strike. Take it away guys! + +[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall] + + — Leslie: It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the +hole] BEES!! BEES!! NOBODY PANIC!! + +[Everyone starts screaming and running away as the bees start stinging people] + + — Craig: [running away] OHHH NOOO!!! + — Random Citizen: AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!! + — Jamm: [filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid +Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight +to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK!! FUCK!! + — Andy: [shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung +once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing! +% + — Reporter: Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were +from Eagleton. How did you pull that off? + — Leslie: I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest +to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing +at the Eagletonians. + — Reporter: How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it +take to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton? + — Leslie: They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a +prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should +treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their +walls for bees! + — Reporter: Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there! + — Leslie: Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out] + — Reporter: What else can you do with your bees!? + — Reporter: Leslie what's your next prank!? +% + — Larry: Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks +Service. + — Leslie: I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! +Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee +hole disaster! + — Larry: Okey dokey. + — Leslie: Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my +bee hole. +% + — Leslie: I am so incredibly sorry. + — Eagletonian: That's very kind of you Miss Knope. + — Leslie: I hope you look a lot less gross very soon. +% + — Jamm: Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go +there for me? Some dirty mags? + — Leslie: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks +who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain! + — Jamm: Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just +hang. +% + — Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live +ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving +cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims. + — Leslie: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just +came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung. + — Mike Patterson: Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your +friend, known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm. + — Jamm: Excuse me Mike, that's best friend. + — Leslie: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together +and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from +who! + — Jamm: Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from +Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!? + — Leslie: Mine! It was my idea! + — Mike Patterson: You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie +Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. +And I for one am sick of it. +% + — Leslie: The point is, will you go to Prom with me? + — Ben: Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of +course I will. + — Leslie: Yay!!! Prom!!! +% + — Leslie: Tom, you're in charge of music. + — Ben: Aww man. Well alright. + — Leslie: Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little +puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws. + — Donna: Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you +two. Ya'll are an official warning. +% + — Leslie: Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were +discontinued. + — Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back +channels. + — Leslie: Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of +business! + — Allison: They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca. + — Ben: ...What is happening right now? +% + — April: Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live +together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine. + — Larry: What does laked mean? + — Andy: I tried to jump it over a lake!! Why don't you stay out of our +conversations Larry!! + — Larry: Will do! [chuckles and walks off] +% + — Leslie: We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April +Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I +don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program. +% + — Ron: What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of +freedom? + — Allison: ... + — Leslie: That's what he calls City Hall. + — Allison: Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I +was thinking about taking it. + — Ron: [laughing] Oh no no no no!! No! I respect your father too much to +let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying +job for the summer? + — Leslie: Why don't you shut your mustache!!? + — Allison & Ron: ... + — Leslie: Sorry. +% + — Ben: My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the +house without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living +room...I think I'm still messed up from it. +% + — Leslie: [in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I +will defeat you! Mark my words! + — Ron: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships. +% + — Ron: I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we +slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at +the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown +it. +% + — Andy: Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an +eagle's poetry. + — April: Andy. I hate teenagers! + — Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's +like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. +Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I +watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good +movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance? +% + — Leslie: So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a +little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm +handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion. + — Allison: So just...pull the rope. + — Leslie: That's right! +% + — Donna: I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. +Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Dukes to the +final four. + — April: I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a +good time. + +[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time] + + — April: How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves? + — Donna: That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the +most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be +direct. + +[guy walks up to Donna] + + — Guy: Hey girl. Are you ready to go? + — Donna: I feel like I told you to wait in the car. + — Guy: ...Yeah. [walks off] + — Donna: See? Be direct. +% + — Ron: Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your +awkward, close quarters gyrating. + +[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage] + + — Leslie: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection +please!! +% + — Girl: Where'd you get that dress? + — April: I was buried in it. + — Girl: ... [awkwardly walks away] +% + — Ben: You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me. + — Tom: Yeah. You're old as shit!! Thanks Ben. + — Ben: Glad I could help. +% + — Allison: Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend. + +[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison] + + — Leslie: [shocked] ...Greg Pikitis? + — Greg: What up Knope!? + — Leslie: Hello Gregory. + — Allison: You guys know each other? + — Leslie: You might say that. + — Greg: Come on baby, let's get out of here. + +[Greg and Allison walk away] + + — Ron: It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right? + — Leslie: Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible +judgement. + +[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling +her dress to a tablecloth] + + — Leslie: PIKITIS!! +% + — Leslie: It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work +to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our +poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's +history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant +"ethically reprehensible." +% + — Leslie: Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! +People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry. + +[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk] + + — Larry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home? + — Leslie: The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail. +% + — April: April Ludgate, professional drinker. + — Woman: Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate? + — April: The Wine...Academy. + — Woman: The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!? + — April: Yes! + — Woman: Carol. Make sure she's in Group A. + — Craig: Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know +everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and +this is my debit rewards card! +% + — Andy: I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the +candy isles but won't get any. + — Leslie: You can buy two candies. + — Andy: TWO!? [runs off] + — Pharmacist: Can I help you? + — Leslie: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, +it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good +stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff. +% +[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel] + + — Craig: Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly +pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!! + — April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and +just a hint of a robot's bathwater. + — Craig: It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace +beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night +sky is full of stars!! + — April: This comes from...your mother's butt. +% + — Chip McCapp: Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!!? And stack em +for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid! + — Chip's Dad/Manager: You got it Chip! + — Chip McCapp: Ugh my dad is such an idiot. + — Andy & Leslie: ... +% + — Chip's Dad/Manager: Here you go Chip. + — Chip McCapp: Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey!! You +dick!! I want ham!! + — Chip's Dad/Manager: Sorry son they were out of ham. + — Chip McCapp: Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then? + +[throws plate at his Dad] + + — Chip McCapp: Pick em up skip. + — Andy: [whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks +that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that! + — Leslie: [whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him. + — Chip McCapp: Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!! + — Chip's Dad/Manager: Anticipating Chip! +% + — Official: Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of +a Sommelier Certificate. + — April: Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so +much everyone!! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you +spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid. + — Official: Security! + +[security begins to escort April out] + + — April: I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh +Pluto Nash. All the Klumps... +% + — Eagleton Ron: Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine +evening? + — Ron: Motherfucker! + — Ben: Whoa where'd you come from? + — Eagleton Ron: Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether +your conception of time is linear or circular. + — Ben: ...What? + — Eagleton Ron: Hello Ron. + — Ben: Ron, you know this hobo? + — Eagleton Ron: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department. + — Ben: Dude, are you a ghost? + — Eagleton Ron: Am I? + — Ben: ...What is happening right now!?! +% + — Leslie: You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and +you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms!! +...That make us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go +Andy! +% + — Tom: Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd +have to show me you can bring it down a notch. + — Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!!! +% + — Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho? + — Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine. +% +[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig] + + — Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight? + — Tom: Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red. + — Craig: You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with +your fish. + — Donna: No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine. + — April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a +glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around +please. + — Craig: ...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out] + — Tom: Seems to be keeping it together + — Craig: [from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? +I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!!! + +[Craig comes back with the wine] + + — Craig: For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to +bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet +which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam +would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white. + — Tom: Thanks very much! + — Craig: Enjoy. [walks out] + — Tom: I think I might have found my new sommelier. + — Craig: [from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!! + — Tom: I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound +proof. +% + — Ben: So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items. + — April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar. + — Leslie: That's great April! How'd you do that!? + — April: It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently +catfishing Anthony Kiedis. +% + — Leslie: We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity +concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The +Stream with a Sacajawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, +microphones, water, that boring stuff too. +% + — Andy: I am not good at keeping secrets!! That's exactly what I told Kyle +when he told me his wife was cheating on him. + — Kyle: ANDY! COME ON!! + — Andy: Ah!! See! + — Kyle: Not cool man!! + — Andy: Not him! Not that Kyle! +% + — Donna: You wanted to see me? + — Ron: Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor. + — Donna: WHAT!??! Ron Swanson asking for help!? + — Ron: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!!! +% +[Leslie is getting an ultrasound] + + — Dr. Saperstein: Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's +your healthy baby! + — Leslie: Oh wow. + — Dr. Saperstein: Oh! And there's another one! + — Ben: The baby has two bodies? + — Leslie: Twins! Ben we're having twins! + — Dr. Saperstein : No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here. + — Leslie: ...Triplets!? Triplets!? + — Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of +cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a +bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare! + — Ben: Triplets... + — Leslie: Triplets... +% + — Leslie: I can't believe it!! We knocked it out of the park on the first +try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court! + — Ben: This is insane. + — Leslie: This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now +we got the proof! + — Dr. Saperstein: Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more +frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to +releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean +to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale." +% + — Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all +our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot +higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to +RELAX?! + +[Leslie enters] + + — Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? + — Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love +you. + +[Leslie exits] + + — Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed. +% + — Andy: Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying. + — April: Lie. + — Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has. + — April: ... + — Andy: Leslie is dying- + — April: No. + — Andy: They're both dying. + — April: No! + — Andy: I'm dying. + — April: ... + — Andy: Chris and Ann are moving. + — April: They already moved. + — Andy: They are moving again to China...town in France. + — April: No! + — Andy: Okay! Fine do you really wanna know? + — April: Yes! + — Andy: Leslie. Is. A spy. + — April: No. + — Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt. + — April: Oh my God. +% + — Leslie: Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert +right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who +just hit triple cherries in her uterus. + — Ben: We're screwed. +% + — Ben: Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars! + — Leslie: Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of +my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like +To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time. +% + — April: Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret +anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but +if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you. + — Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to +keep my word. + +[April shrugs] + + — Andy: But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell +you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready? + — April: Okay! + +[Leslie & Ben walk in] + + — Leslie: Everybody if you could gather around! + — Andy: [pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!! +% + — Ben: You're ready? + — Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before. +% + + — Jamm: Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted. + — Leslie: Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact +with you again. + — Jamm: I missed you too. +% + — Leslie: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all +the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust +my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel +vision about achieving my goals. +% +[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee] + + — Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to +apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, +we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los +Angeles not a wine. + — Joan: Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing? + — Ben: No because he's been famously dead for 60 years. + — Joan: WHAT!? +% + — Tom: Round of drinks for everyone on the house!! + — Andy: Yeah!! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. +And a spaghetti to go. On the house!! +% + — Joan: [Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham... + — Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman. +% + — Ron: How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience +with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and +land. + — Leslie: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!! +% + — Leslie: I didn't even get a chance to say my plan! + — Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan? + — Leslie: Please don't say Hitler- + — Jamm: Adolf Hitler! +% + — Leslie: Ron! What did you do!? + — Ron: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote. + — Leslie: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote +away from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and +Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!! +% + — Leslie: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't +you have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that. + — Jamm: Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat +steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest. + — Leslie: I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it +seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come +on! You love Porschs and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card. + — Jamm: Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know +it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly +sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right! + +[Jamm breaks down crying] + + — Jamm: Oh God! + — Leslie: Oh boy... + — Jamm: Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought +so! + — Leslie: Well... + — Jamm: [Crying] Oh God! Oh God! + — Leslie: Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken +you! You need to get away from her! + +[Jamm pulls some of his hair out] + + — Jamm: Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!! + +[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically] + +% + — Leslie: Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can +resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] +Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you +say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh? + — Jamm: [whispering] Do it! + — Ron: There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the +pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! +% + — Leslie: [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've +got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get +gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder] + — Ron: This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! +% +[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two] + + — Tammy Two: Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies? + — Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up. + — Tammy Two: Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get +to you? + — Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the +steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper. + — Tammy Two: [In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby! + — Leslie: We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do? + — Jamm: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY! + — Leslie: Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible... +% + — Jamm: It's over Tammy. + — Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we +consummate our relationship tonight!? + +[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of +the library] + + — Tammy Two: Huh? Let's do it! + — Ron: Oh ho ho and the last card is played! + — Leslie: What are you doing!? + — Random Lady: Shhh! This is a library! + — Leslie: Do you see what's happening here!?! +% + — Jamm: Ron I need that crotch blinder! + — Ron: No you don't! Just end it! + — Tammy Two: Look at my boobs. + — Jamm: No! + — Tammy Two: Look downstairs. + — Jamm: No! + — Tammy Two: There's a prize inside for you. + — Jamm: It's over Tammy. + — Tammy Two: What!? + — Jamm: To Hell with you woman. Goodbye! + +[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over +bookshelves] + + — Tammy Two: HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK!! THEY ALL +COME BACK!! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!! + — Ron: Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all +along. + — Tammy Two: COME ON EVERYBODY!! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!! +% +[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until +they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why +Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.] + + — Leslie: Ron, what are you doing? + — Ron: I know I saw it. Aha! + +[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.] + + — Ron: Detonator... + +[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the +Parks Department.] + + — Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago... + +[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore +in front of it.] + + — Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out +of here! + — Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second... + — Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the +right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and +walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution! + — Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do +that... + — Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE! + +[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases +confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."] + + — Leslie: Ooh! + +[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.] + + — Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks +Director. + — Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially +defused claymore mine. + — Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I +filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such. + — Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years? + — Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on +your desk? +% + — Ron: You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you. + — Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there +is. + — Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had +become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good +to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, +Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. +So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision. + +[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office] + + — Leslie: Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson? + — Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry. + — Larry: Uh, it's Terry now. + — Ron: OK. As luck would have it- + +[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate] + + — Leslie: Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell +the northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be +waiting forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to +Ron] Sorry, this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug? + — Ron: Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. +Tomorrow? + — Leslie: I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30. + — Ron: Excellent. See ya then. + — Leslie: OK! + — April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in +Washington to prep. + — Leslie: Oh my God, really? + — April: Yep. + — Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, +meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey +babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids? + +[cuts back to 2017] + + — Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch. + — Ron: You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure +out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic. + — Leslie: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes +silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have +lunch. Ron, you were going-? + — Ron: I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just +saying it out loud feels dirty. + — Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third +floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have +been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have +been a better friend to you. + — Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a +sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. +Sure, I love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the +inside... + — Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful. + — Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like +explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we +had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar +development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had +a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I +looked around this office, nothing was the same. + — Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that. + +[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, +and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there] + +% + — Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? + — Leslie: People are idiots, Ron. +% + — Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago +when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a +fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical +Waste Butt-Sweat Grove. +% + — Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but +planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, +vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig. +% + — Donna: The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. +My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he +wrote her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments +ended at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an +international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that +flatware. +% + — Leslie: Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going +to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you. + — Roz: Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're +gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds?! [the kids +run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!!? + — Leslie: [to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. +You're tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children. + — Ben: Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you. + — Leslie: I love you more than Ben. + — Ben: ... + — Leslie: I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. +But if you left me...I would never recover. + — Roz: [touched] Thanks. That helps. +% + — Ben: Things aren't that chaotic. + — Roz: [running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke +everything you own! + +[loud crash in the background] + + — Roz: I don't know what that was. +% + — Gayle: Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom +is giving his lady friend a gift. + — Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day. + — Gayle: Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you! + — Jerry: Oh sweetie!! + — Ron: Control yourselves Gergichs!!! +% +[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by] + + — Jen: Whoa! What was that!!? That was huge!! +% + — Roz: Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of +Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at. + — Jen: I mean this is chaos. +% + — Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but +seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like +"Nicey-Meany." + — April: Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who +were arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in +1970. +% + — Andy: Here are all the troublemakers boss. + — April: Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no +more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop +making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit!! +And Ginuwine... + — Ginuwine: ...Yes? + — April: Get it together! + — Ginuwine: [crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this. + — April: [mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!! +% + — Leslie: Babe you are killing it! + — Ben: I am right!? + — Leslie: Yes!! + — Ben: Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also +I have a little secret, I'm drunk! + — Leslie: I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip +of wine! + — Ben: I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent. +% + — Ben: [drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here +to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the +bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and +your just like "What!? It's you!! I love you!! You're my sexy roommate!! We +love each other!!" + — Leslie: Wooo!! He's talkin about me!! + — Ben: Yes I am baby doll!! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are +great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing +going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!! + +[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing] + + — April: You want me to shut that down? + — Donna: No I liked it. Let the little man dance. +% + — Ben: Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we? + — Leslie: Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times. +% + — Jen: You left me four messages last night. + — Ben: What? + — Jen: They contain very specific policy positions. + +[Jen holds up her phone] + + — Ben: [over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack +hard into fiscal responsibility! + — Ben: Oh God... + — Leslie: [over phone] 867-5309!!! + — Jen: I love that song. + — Leslie: [over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!!! + — Leslie: Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was. + — Jen: Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna +fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time. +% + — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!! + — Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet. + — Leslie: [crying] But you're gonna be very soon! + — Donna: Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie +but on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. +Ya'll inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle. + +[Michelle walks up] + + — Donna: Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost +touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never +gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this +wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were +never gonna walk again so this should be easy right? + — Leslie: Wow what a complicated tapestry that is! +% + — Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are +finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed. +% + — Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your +estranged brother, Levandrious!! + +[gasps from the crowd] + + — Levandrious: What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your +wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago. + — Donna: What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!! + — Levandrious: Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident. + — Donna: Yeah! + — Levandrious: Don't worry. I brought it back. + +[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground] + + — Levandrious: Now no-one gets any popcorn! + +[Donna looks at April and smiles] + +% + — Leslie: What did I do wrong now? + — Elise Yartkin: No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your +speech. + — Leslie: Really!? + — Elise Yartkin: But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie +a platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this +year's IOW Woman of the Year. + — Leslie: Son of a bitch!! +% + — Ron: [In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your +construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. +% +[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just +had a library named after her.] + + — Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library? +% +[The series' last lines] + + — Ben: You ready, babe? + — Leslie: Yes. I'm ready. +% |