Initial import of montypython

Signed-off-by: VirtualTam <virtualtam@flibidi.net>

1 files changed, 1517 insertions, 0 deletions

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+Scene 1
+ 
+      [wind]
+      [clop clop]
+  ARTHUR:  Whoa there!
+      [clop clop]
+ 
+  GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?
+  ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
+      of Camelot.  King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
+      of all England!
+  GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
+  ARTHUR:  I am.  And this my trusty servant Patsy.
+      We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
+      who will join me in my court of Camelot.  I must speak with your lord
+      and master.
+  GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
+  ARTHUR:  Yes!
+  GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'
+      'em together.
+  ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
+      land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
+  GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
+  ARTHUR:  We found them.
+  GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
+  ARTHUR:  What do you mean?
+  GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
+  ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
+      or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
+      strangers to our land.
+  GUARD #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
+  ARTHUR:  Not at all, they could be carried.
+  GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
+  ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!
+  GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple
+      question of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
+      coconut.
+  ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master
+      that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
+  GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
+      needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
+  ARTHUR:  Please!
+  GUARD #1:  Am I right?
+  ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!
+  GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
+      swallow, that's my point.
+  GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
+  ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
+      at Camelot?!
+  GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
+  GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
+  GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
+      [clop clop]
+  GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
+  GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
+  GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
+  GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
+  GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
+%
+Scene 2
+ 
+  MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+      [clang]
+      Bring out your dead!
+  CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
+  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
+  MORTICIAN:  What?
+  CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
+  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
+  MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
+  CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
+  DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
+  MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
+  CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
+  DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
+  CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
+  MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
+  DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
+  CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
+  MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
+  DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
+  CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
+  MORTICIAN:  I can't.
+  CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't
+      be long.
+  MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
+      today.
+  CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
+  MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
+  DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
+  CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there
+      something you can do?
+  DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
+      [whop]
+  CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
+  MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
+  CUSTOMER:  Right.
+      [clop clop]
+  MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
+  CUSTOMER:  I don't know.
+  MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
+  CUSTOMER:  Why?
+  MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got shit all over him.
+%
+Scene 3
+ 
+      [clop clop]
+  ARTHUR:  Old woman!
+  DENNIS:  Man!
+  ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?
+  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
+  ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
+  DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
+  ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
+  DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
+  ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind
+      you looked--
+  DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
+  ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
+  DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
+      exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
+      which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
+      If there's ever going to be any progress--
+  WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how d'you do?
+  ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+      Who's castle is that?
+  WOMAN:  King of the who?
+  ARTHUR:  The Britons.
+  WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
+  ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
+  WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
+      collective.
+  DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
+      A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
+  WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
+  DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
+  ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
+      in that castle?
+  WOMAN:  No one live there.
+  ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
+  WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We take
+      it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
+  ARTHUR:  Yes.
+  DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
+      at a special biweekly meeting.
+  ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
+  DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
+  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
+  DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
+  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
+  WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
+  ARTHUR:  I am your king!
+  WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
+  ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
+  WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
+  ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,
+      [angels sing]
+      her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
+      from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
+      Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
+      [singing stops]
+      That is why I am your king!
+  DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
+      is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power
+      derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
+      aquatic ceremony.
+  ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
+  DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
+      just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
+  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
+  DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
+      because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
+      put me away!
+  ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
+  DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
+  ARTHUR:  Shut up!
+  DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
+      HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
+  ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
+  DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that,
+      eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me,
+      you saw it didn't you?
+%
+Scene 4
+ 
+      [arg]
+      [ugh]
+      [hah]
+ 
+  ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
+      I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+      [pause]
+      I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
+      in my Court of Camelot.
+      [pause]
+      You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
+      [pause]
+      You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
+  ARTHUR:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
+      cross this bridge.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.
+  ARTHUR:  I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.
+  ARTHUR:  So be it!
+      [hah]
+      [parry thrust]
+      [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
+  ARTHUR:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.
+  ARTHUR:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.
+  ARTHUR:  Well, what's that then?
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.
+  ARTHUR:  You liar!
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on you pansy!
+      [hah]
+      [parry thrust]
+      [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
+  ARTHUR:  Victory is mine!
+      [kneeling]
+      We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
+      [hah]
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on then.
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Have at you!
+  ARTHUR:  You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, had enough, eh?
+  ARTHUR:  Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Yes I have.
+  ARTHUR:  Look!
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Just a flesh wound.
+      [bang]
+  ARTHUR:  Look, stop that.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Chicken!  Chicken!
+  ARTHUR:  Look, I'll have your leg.  Right!
+      [whop]
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Right, I'll do you for that!
+  ARTHUR:  You'll what?
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Come 'ere!
+  ARTHUR:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  I'm invincible!
+  ARTHUR:  You're a loony.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  The Black Knight always triumphs!
+      Have at you!  Come on then.
+      [whop]
+      [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  All right; we'll call it a draw.
+  ARTHUR:  Come, Patsy.
+  BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, oh, I see, running away then.  You yellow
+      bastards!  Come back here and take what's coming to you.
+      I'll bite your legs off!
+%
+Scene 5
+ 
+  CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!  A witch!  We've got a witch!  A witch!
+  VILLAGER #1:  We have found a witch, might we burn her?
+  CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
+  BEDEMIR:  How do you know she is a witch?
+  VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.
+  BEDEMIR:  Bring her forward.
+  WITCH:  I'm not a witch.  I'm not a witch.
+  BEDEMIR:  But you are dressed as one.
+  WITCH:  They dressed me up like this.
+  CROWD:  No, we didn't... no.
+  WITCH:  And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
+  BEDEMIR:  Well?
+  VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the nose.
+  BEDEMIR:  The nose?
+  VILLAGER #1:  And the hat -- but she is a witch!
+  CROWD:  Burn her!  Witch!  Witch!  Burn her!
+  BEDEMIR:  Did you dress her up like this?
+  CROWD:  No, no... no ... yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
+  VILLAGER #1:  She has got a wart.
+  BEDEMIR:  What makes you think she is a witch?
+  VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a newt.
+  BEDEMIR:  A newt?
+  VILLAGER #3:  I got better.
+  VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!
+  CROWD:  Burn!  Burn her!
+  BEDEMIR:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether
+      she is a witch.
+  CROWD:  Are there?  What are they?
+  BEDEMIR:  Tell me, what do you do with witches?
+  VILLAGER #2:  Burn!
+  CROWD:  Burn, burn them up!
+  BEDEMIR:  And what do you burn apart from witches?
+  VILLAGER #1:  More witches!
+  VILLAGER #2:  Wood!
+  BEDEMIR:  So, why do witches burn?
+      [pause]
+  VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
+  BEDEMIR:  Good!
+  CROWD:  Oh yeah, yeah...
+  BEDEMIR:  So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
+  VILLAGER #1:  Build a bridge out of her.
+  BEDEMIR:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
+  VILLAGER #2:  Oh, yeah.
+  BEDEMIR:  Does wood sink in water?
+  VILLAGER #1:  No, no.
+  VILLAGER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
+  VILLAGER #1:  Throw her into the pond!
+  CROWD:  The pond!
+  BEDEMIR:  What also floats in water?
+  VILLAGER #1:  Bread!
+  VILLAGER #2:  Apples!
+  VILLAGER #3:  Very small rocks!
+  VILLAGER #1:  Cider!
+  VILLAGER #2:  Great gravy!
+  VILLAGER #1:  Cherries!
+  VILLAGER #2:  Mud!
+  VILLAGER #3:  Churches -- churches!
+  VILLAGER #2:  Lead -- lead!
+  ARTHUR:  A duck.
+  CROWD:  Oooh.
+  BEDEMIR:  Exactly!  So, logically...,
+  VILLAGER #1:  If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
+  BEDEMIR:  And therefore--?
+  VILLAGER #1:  A witch!
+  CROWD:  A witch!
+  BEDEMIR:  We shall use my larger scales!
+      [yelling]
+  BEDEMIR:  Right, remove the supports!
+      [whop]
+      [creak]
+  CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!
+  WITCH:  It's a fair cop.
+  CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  [yelling]
+  BEDEMIR:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
+  ARTHUR:  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+  BEDEMIR:  My liege!
+  ARTHUR:  Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
+      and join us at the Round Table?
+  BEDEMIR:  My liege!  I would be honored.
+  ARTHUR:  What is your name?
+  BEDEMIR:  Bedemir, my leige.
+  ARTHUR:  Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
+
+[Narrative Interlude]
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
+      knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
+      Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
+      Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
+      of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
+      and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and
+      the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.  Together they formed
+      a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
+      the Knights of the Round Table.
+%
+Scene 6
+ 
+  BEDEMIR:  And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
+  ARTHUR:  This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir.  Explain again how
+      sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
+  BEDEMIR:  Oh, certainly, sir.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Look, my liege!
+  ARTHUR:  Camelot!
+  GALAHAD:  Camelot!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Camelot!
+  PATSY:  It's only a model.
+  ARTHUR:  Shhh!  Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.  Let us
+      ride... to Camelot.
+ 
+      [singing]
+      We're knights of the round table
+      We dance when e'er we're able
+      We do routines and parlour scenes
+      With footwork impecc-Able.
+ 
+      We dine well here in Camelot
+      We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
+ 
+      [dancing]
+ 
+      We're knights of the Round Table
+      Our shows are for-mid-able
+      Though many times we're given rhymes
+      That are quite unsing-able
+      We not so fat in Camelot
+      We sing from the diaphragm a lot
+ 
+      [tap-dancing]
+ 
+      Oh we're tough and able
+      Quite indefatigable
+      Between our quests we sequin vests
+      And impersonate Clark Gable
+      It's a bit too loud in Camelot
+      I have to push the pram a lot.
+ 
+  ARTHUR:  Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
+      a silly place.
+      Right.
+%
+Scene 7
+   GOD:  Arthur!  Arthur, King of the Britons!  Oh, don't grovel!  If
+      there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
+  ARTHUR:  Sorry--
+  GOD:  And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
+      "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".  What are you
+      doing now!?
+  ARTHUR:  I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
+  GOD:  Well, don't.  It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so
+      depressing.  Now knock it off!
+  ARTHUR:  Yes, Lord.
+  GOD:  Right!  Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the Round
+      Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
+  ARTHUR:  Good idea, oh Lord!
+  GOD: 'Course it's a good idea!  Behold!  Arthur, this is the Holy
+      Grail.  Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek
+      this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the
+      Holy Grail.
+  ARTHUR:  A blessing!
+  LAUNCELOT:  A blessing from the Lord!
+  GALAHAD:  God be praised!
+%
+Scene 8
+     [clop clop]
+  ARTHUR:  Halt!  Hallo!  Hallo!
+  GUARD:  'Allo!  Who is zis?
+  ARTHUR:  It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
+      Table.  Who's castle is this?
+  GUARD:  This is the castle of Our Master Ruiz' de lu la Ramper (sp?)
+  ARTHUR:  Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
+      with a sacred quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the
+      night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
+  GUARD:  Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
+      Uh, he's already got one, you see?
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  GALAHAD:  He says they've already got one!
+  ARTHUR:  Are you sure he's got one?
+  GUARD:  Oh, yes, it's very nice-a [To Other Guards]  I told him we already got one.
+  OTHER GUARDS: [Laughing]
+  ARTHUR:  Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
+  GUARD:  Of course not!  You are English types-a!
+  ARTHUR:  Well, what are you then?
+  GUARD:  I'm French!  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
+      silly king!
+  GALAHAD:  What are you doing in England?
+  GUARD:  Mind your own business!
+  ARTHUR:  If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
+      by force!
+  GUARD:  You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your
+      bottoms, sons of a silly person.  I blow my nose at you, so-called
+      Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets.  Thppppt!
+  GALAHAD:  What a strange person.
+  ARTHUR:  Now look here, my good man!
+  GUARD:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
+      food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  You mother
+      was a hamster and your father smelt of eldeberries.
+  GALAHAD:  Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
+  GUARD:  No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
+  ARTHUR:  Now, this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonable.
+  GUARD:  (Fetchez la vache.)
+      wha?
+  GUARD:  (Fetchez la vache!)
+      [moo]
+  ARTHUR:  If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
+      [twong]
+      [mooooooo]
+      Jesus Christ!
+      Right!  Charge!
+  ALL: Charge!
+      [mayhem]
+  GUARD:  Ah, this one is for your mother!
+      [twong]
+  ALL:  Run away!
+  GUARD:  Thpppt!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Fiends!  I'll tear them apart!
+  ARTHUR:  No no, no.
+  BEDEMIR:  Sir!  I have a plan, sir.
+ 
+      [later]
+ 
+      [chop]
+      [mrrrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaauuuuww]
+      [rumble rumble squeak]
+  MUTTERING GUARDS:  ce labon a bunny do
+      wha?
+      un cadeau?
+      a present!
+      oh, un cadeau.
+      oui oui hurry!
+      wha-?
+      let's go!
+      [rumble rumble squeak]
+ 
+  ARTHUR:  What happens now?
+  BEDEMIR:  Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
+      and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise --
+      not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
+  ARTHUR:  Who leaps out?
+  BEDEMIR:  Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I.  Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
+      and uh....
+  ARTHUR:  Oh....
+  BEDEMIR:  Oh....  Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
+      [twong]
+  ALL:  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!
+      [splat]
+  GUARDS:  Oh, haw haw haw.
+%
+Scene 9
+ 
+        Pictures for Schools, take 8.
+  DIRECTOR:  Action!
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
+      King Arthur.  The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
+      by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
+      was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
+      to a successful conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest
+      knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
+      individually.  Now, this is what they did--
+      [tromp tromp]
+      [slash]
+  WOMAN:  Greg!
+%
+Scene 10
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Robin....
+      So each of the knights went their separate ways.  Sir Robin rode north,
+      through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
+ 
+  MINSTREL (singing):  
+                       
+                       Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
+                       He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
+                       He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
+                       Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
+ 
+                       He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
+                           into a pulp,
+                       Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
+                       To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
+                       And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
+ 
+                       His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
+                       And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
+                       And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
+                       And his penis--
+
+  ROBIN:  That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
+      Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
+  DENNIS:  Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
+  WOMAN:  Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom.  Now I've dropped my mud.
+  ALL HEADS:  Halt!  Who art thou?
+  MINSTREL (singing):  He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
+  ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
+      through.
+  ALL HEADS:  What do you want?
+  MINSTREL (singing):  To fight, and--
+  ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
+      to um, just to p-pass through, good Sir knight.
+  ALL HEADS:  I'm afraid not!
+  ROBIN:  Ah.  W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
+  ALL HEADS:  You're a Knight of the Round Table?
+  ROBIN:  I am.
+  LEFT HEAD:  In that case I shall have to kill you.
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  Shall I?
+  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, I don't think so.
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  Well, what do I think?
+  LEFT HEAD:  I think kill him.
+  RIGHT HEAD:  Well let's be nice to him.
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  Oh shut up.
+  LEFT HEAD:  Perhaps-
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  And you.
+  LEFT HEAD:  Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
+  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, cut your own head off!
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes, do us all a favor!
+  LEFT HEAD:  What?
+  RIGHT HEAD:  Yapping on all the time.
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  You're lucky.  You're not next to him.
+  LEFT HEAD:  What do you mean?
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  You snore.
+  LEFT HEAD:  Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
+  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
+  LEFT HEAD:  All right, all right, all right.  We'll kill him first
+      and then have tea and biscuits.
+  MIDDLE HEAD:  Yes.
+  RIGHT HEAD:  Oh, but not biscuits.
+  LEFT HEAD:  All right, all right, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
+  ALL HEADS:  Right!
+  LEFT HEAD:  He buggered off.
+  RIGHT HEAD:  So he has, he's scarpered.
+ 
+  MINSTREL (singing):  Brave Sir Robin ran away
+  ROBIN:  No!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely ran away away
+  ROBIN:  I didn't!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  When danger reared its ugly head,
+                       He bravely turned his tail and fled
+  ROBIN:  No!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
+  ROBIN:  I didn't!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  And gallantly he chickened out
+                       Bravely taking to his feet
+  ROBIN:  I never did!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  He beat a very brave retreat
+  ROBIN:  Oh, lie!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
+  ROBIN:  I never!
+%
+Scene 11
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Galahad
+ 
+      [boom crash]
+      [angels singing]
+ 
+      [pound pound pound]
+  GALAHAD:  Open the door!
+      Open the door!
+      [pound pound pound]
+      In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
+      [squeak thump]
+      [squeak boom]
+  ALL:  Hello!
+  ZOOT:  Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
+  GALAHAD:  The Castle Anthrax?
+  ZOOT:  Yes... oh, it's not a very good name?  Oh! but we are
+      nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
+  GALAHAD:  You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
+  ZOOT:  The what?
+  GALAHAD:  The Grail -- it is here?
+  ZOOT:  Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
+      Crepper!
+  MIDGET and CREPPER:  Yes, oh Zoot!
+  ZOOT:  Prepare a bed for our guest.
+  MIDGET and CREPPER:  Oh thank you thank you thank you--
+  ZOOT:  Away away vile temptress!  The beds here are warm and soft -- and
+      very, very big.
+  GALAHAD:  Well, look, I-I-uh--
+  ZOOT:  What is your name, handsome knight?
+  GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
+  ZOOT:  Mine is Zoot... just Zoot.  Oh, but come!
+  GALAHAD:  Look, please!  In God's name, show me the Grail!
+  ZOOT:  Oh, you have suffered much!  You are delirious!
+  GALAHAD:  L-look, I have seen it!  It is here, in the--
+  ZOOT:  Sir Galahad!  You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
+      hospitality.
+  GALAHAD:  Well, I-I-uh--
+  ZOOT:  Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
+      to yours.  We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
+      sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
+      protect us!  Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
+      making exciting underwear....  We are just not used to handsome knights.
+      Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here.  Oh, but you are wounded!
+  GALAHAD:  No, no -- i-it's nothing!
+  ZOOT:  Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately!  No, no, please,
+      lie down.
+      [clap clap]
+  PIGLET:  Ah.  What seems to be the trouble?
+  GALAHAD:  They're doctors?!
+  ZOOT:  Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
+  GALAHAD:  B-but--
+  ZOOT:  Oh, come come, you must try to rest!  Doctor Piglet,  Doctor
+      Winston, practice your art.
+  PIGLET:  Try to relax.
+  GALAHAD:  Are you sure that's necessary?
+  PIGLET:  We must examine you.
+  GALAHAD:  There's nothing wrong with that!
+  PIGLET:  Please -- we are doctors.
+  GALAHAD:  Get off the bed!  I am sworn to chastity!
+  PIGLET:  Back to your bed!
+  GALAHAD:  Torment me no longer!  I have seen the Grail!
+  PIGLET:  There's no grail here.
+  GALAHAD:  I have seen it, I have seen it.  I have seen--
+  GIRLS:  Hello.
+  GALAHAD:  Oh--
+  VARIOUS GIRLS:  Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+      Hello.
+  GALAHAD:  Zoot!
+  DINGO:  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
+  GALAHAD:  Oh, well, excuse me, I--
+  DINGO:  Where are you going?
+  GALAHAD:  I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here in this castle!
+  DINGO:  No!  Oh, no!  Bad, bad Zoot!
+  GALAHAD:  What is it?
+  DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting alight
+      to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's not the
+      first time we've had this problem.
+  GALAHAD:  It's not the real Grail?
+  DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!  Oh, she is a naughty
+      person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
+      have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon.  You
+      must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
+  GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
+  DINGO:  You must spank her well.  And after you have spanked her, you
+      may deal with her as you like.  And then, spank me.
+  VARIOUS GIRLS:  And spank me.
+      And me.
+      And me.
+  DINGO:  Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
+  GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
+  DINGO:  And after the spanking, the oral sex.
+  GIRLS:  Oral sex!  Oral sex!
+  GALAHAD:  Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Sir Galahad!
+  GALAHAD:  Oh, hello.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
+  GALAHAD:  What?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!
+  GALAHAD:  Why?
+  LAUNCELOT:  You're in great peril!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Silence, foul temptress!
+  GALAHAD:  Now look, it's not important.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Quick!  Come on and we'll cover your escape!
+  GALAHAD:  Look, I'm fine!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Come on!
+  GALAHAD:  Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
+  DINGO:  Yes!  Let him tackle us single-handed!
+  GIRLS:  Yes!  Tackle us single-handed!
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, Sir Galahad, come on!
+  GALAHAD:  No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
+  DINGO:  Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
+  GIRLS:  Yes, yes!
+  GALAHAD:  Wait!  I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred and fifty
+      of them!
+  DINGO:  Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
+  GIRLS:  Yes, yes.
+      [boom]
+  DINGO:  Oh, shit.
+      [outside]
+  LAUNCELOT:  We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
+  GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
+  GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.
+  GALAHAD:  Look, I'm a knight, I'm supposed to get as much peril as I can.
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, we've got to find the Holy Grail.  Come on!
+  GALAHAD:  Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, it's unhealthy.
+  GALAHAD:  Bet you're gay!
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, I'm not.
+
+Narrative Interlude 2
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
+      temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail.  Meanwhile,
+      King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away,
+      had  discovered something.  Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight,
+      obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights
+      away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them.
+      I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
+  CROWD:  Get on with it!
+  NARRATOR:  Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
+      scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
+      in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
+      starling -oolp!
+%
+Scene 24
+ 
+  OLD MAN:  Ah, hee he he ha!
+  ARTHUR:  And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
+  OLD MAN:  Ha ha he he he he!
+  ARTHUR:  Where does he live?  Old man, where does he live?
+  OLD MAN:  He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
+  ARTHUR:  And the Grail... The Grail is there?
+  OLD MAN:  Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
+      of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
+  ARTHUR:  But the Grail!  Where is the Grail!?
+  OLD MAN:  Seek you the Bridge of Death.
+  ARTHUR:  The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
+  OLD MAN:  Hee hee ha ha!
+%
+Scene 25
+ 
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!
+      Nee!
+      Nee!
+      Nee!
+  ARTHUR:  Who are you?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
+  ARTHUR:  No!  Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  The same!
+  BEDEMIR:  Who are they?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the keepers of the sacred words:  Nee, Pen, and
+      Nee-wom!
+  RANDOM:  Nee-wom!
+  ARTHUR:  Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
+  ARTHUR:  Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
+      enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!
+  ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
+  ARTHUR:  Well, what is it you want?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  We want... a shrubbery!
+      [dramatic chord]
+  ARTHUR:  A what?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!
+  ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
+  ARTHUR:  Please, please!  No more!  We shall find a shrubbery.
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
+      never pass through this wood alive!
+  ARTHUR:  O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
+      with a shrubbery.
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  One that looks nice.
+  ARTHUR:  Of course.
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  And not too expensive.
+  ARTHUR:  Yes.
+  HEAD KNIGHTS:  Now... go!
+%
+Scene 26
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
+ 
+  FATHER:  One day, lad, all this will be yours!
+  ERBERT:  What, the curtains?
+  FATHER:  No, not the curtains, lad.  All that you can see!  Stretched
+      out over the hills and valleys of this land!  This'll be your kingdom,
+      lad!
+  HERBERT:  But, Mother--
+  FATHER:  Father, I'm Father.
+  HERBERT:  But Father, I don't want any of that.
+  FATHER:  Listen, lad.  I've built this kingdom up from nothing.  When
+      I started here, all there was was swamp.  All the kings said I was
+      daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
+      just to show 'em.  It sank into the swamp.  So, I built a second one.
+      That sank into the swamp.  So I built a third one.  That burned down,
+      fell over, then sank into the swamp.  But the fourth one stayed up.
+      An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest castle in these
+      islands.
+  HERBERT:  But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
+  FATHER:  Rather what?!
+  HERBERT:  I'd rather... just...
+      [music]
+      ...sing!
+  FATHER:  Stop that, stop that!  You're not going to do a song while
+      I'm here.  Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
+      a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
+  HERBERT:  But I don't want land.
+  FATHER:  Listen, Alex,--
+  HERBERT:  Herbert.
+  FATHER:  Herbert.  We live in a bloody swamp.  We need all the land we
+      can get.
+  HERBERT:  But I don't like her.
+  FATHER:  Don't like her?!  What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful,
+      she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
+  HERBERT:  I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
+      a certain... special...
+      [music]
+      ...something...
+  FATHER:  Cut that out, cut that out.  Look, you're marryin' Princess
+      Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack]  Guards!  Make sure
+      the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
+  GUARD #1:  Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
+  GUARD #2:  Hic!
+  FATHER:  No, no.  Until I come and get 'im.
+  GUARD #1:  Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
+  FATHER:  No, no, no.  You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
+      leave.
+  GUARD #1:  And you'll come and get him.
+  GUARD #2:  Hic!
+  FATHER:  Right.
+  GUARD #1:  We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
+      entering the room.
+  FATHER:  No, no.  Leaving the room.
+  GUARD #1:  Leaving the room, yes.
+  FATHER:  All right?
+  GUARD #1:  Right.  Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
+  FATHER:  Yes, what is it?
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, if-if, oh--
+  FATHER:  Look, it's quite simple.
+  GUARD #1:  Uh...
+  FATHER:  You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
+      All right?
+  GUARD #2:  Hic!
+  FATHER:  Right.
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, I remember.  Uh, can he leave the room with us?
+  FATHER:  N- No no no.  You just keep him in here, and make sure--
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
+      to leave and we were--
+  FATHER:  No, no, just keep him in here--
+  GUARD #1:  Until you, or anyone else,--
+  FATHER:  No, not anyone else, just me--
+  GUARD #1:  Just you.
+  GUARD #2:  Hic!
+  FATHER:  Get back.
+  GUARD #1:  Get back.
+  FATHER:  Right?
+  GUARD #1:  Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
+  FATHER:  And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
+  GUARD #1:  What?
+  FATHER:  Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+  GUARD #1:  The Prince?
+  FATHER:  Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, of course.  I thought you meant him.  Y'know, it
+      seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
+  FATHER:  Is that clear?
+  GUARD #2:  Hic!
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, quite clear, no problems.
+  FATHER:  Right.
+      [starts to leave]
+      Where are you going?
+  GUARD #1:  We're coming with you.
+  FATHER:  No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+  GUARD #1:  Oh, I see.  Right.
+  HERBERT:  But, Father!
+  FATHER:  Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on!  And no singing!
+  GUARD #2:  Hic!
+  FATHER:  Oh, go get a glass of water.
+%
+Scene 27
+ 
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well taken, Concorde!
+  CONCORDE:  Thank you, sir!  Most kind.
+  LAUNCELOT:  And again... Over we go!  Good.  Steady!  And now, the big
+      one...Ooof!  Come on, Concorde!
+      [thwonk]
+  CONCORDE:  Message for you, sir.
+      [fwump]
+  LAUNCELOT:  Concorde!  Concorde, speak to me!  "To whoever finds this
+      note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry
+      against my will.  Please, please, please come and rescue me.  I am
+      in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."  At last!  A call, a cry of
+      distress!  This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!
+      Brave, brave Concorde!  You shall not have died in vain!
+  CONCORDE:  Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
+  CONCORDE:  Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, I see.
+  CONCORDE:  Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, no, sweet Concorde!  Stay here!  I will send help as
+      soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
+      particular... (sigh)
+  CONCORDE:  Idiom, sir?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Idiom!
+  CONCORDE:  No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Farewell, sweet Concorde!
+  CONCORDE:  I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir?  Yeah.
+%
+Scene 28
+ 
+  LAUNCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
+  GUARD #1:  Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
+  LAUNCELOT:  O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot
+      of Camelot.  I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
+  HERBERT:  You got my note!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Uh, well, I got A note.
+  HERBERT:  You've come to rescue me!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Uh, well, no, you see...
+  HERBERT:  I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
+      there must be...
+      [music]
+      ...someone...
+  FATHER:  Stop that, stop that, stop it!  Stop it!  Who are you?
+  HERBERT:  I'm your son!
+  FATHER:  No, not you.
+  LAUNCELOT:  I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
+  HERBERT:  He's come to rescue me, father.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
+  FATHER:  Did you kill all the guard?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Uh..., oh, yes.  Sorry.
+  FATHER:  They cost fifty pounds each.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
+  HERBERT:  Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope all ready!
+  FATHER:  You killed eight wedding guests in all!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
+  FATHER:  I can understand that.
+  HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Launcelot!  Hurry!
+  FATHER:  Shut up!  You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, I really didn't mean to...
+  FATHER:  Didn't mean to?!  You put your sword right through his head!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, dear.  Is he all right?
+  FATHER:  You even kicked the bride in the chest!  This is going to cost
+      me a fortune!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, I can explain.  I was in the forest, um, riding north
+      from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
+  FATHER:  Camelot?  Are you from, uh, Camelot?
+  HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
+  FATHER:  Pretty nice castle, Camelot.  Uh, pretty good pig country....
+  LAUNCELOT:  Yes.
+  HERBERT:  Hurry, I'm ready!
+  FATHER:  Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
+  HERBERT:  I am ready!
+      [starts to leave]
+  LAUNCELOT:  --I mean to be, so understanding.
+      [thonk]
+  HERBERT:  Oooh!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Um, I think when I'm in this  idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
+      uh, sort of carried away.
+  FATHER:  Oh, don't worry about that.
+  HERBERT:  Oooh!
+      [splat]
+%
+Scene 29
+ 
+      [wailing]
+  FATHER:  Well, this is the main hall.  We're going to have all this
+      knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
+  RANDOM:  There he is!
+  FATHER:  Oh, bloody hell.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
+  FATHER:  Hold it, hold it!  Please!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Sorry, sorry.  See what I mean, I just get carried away.
+      I really must -- sorry, sorry!  Sorry, everyone.
+  RANDOM:  He's killed the best man!
+      [yelling]
+  FATHER:  Hold it, please!  Hold it!  This is Sir Launcelot from the
+      court of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
+      guest here today.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Hello.
+  RANDOM:  He killed my auntie!
+      [yelling]
+  FATHER:  Please, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
+      Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.  We are here today to
+      witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
+      wedlock.  Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
+      to his death.  But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
+      a daughter!  For, since the tragic death of her father--
+  RANDOM:  He's not quite dead!
+  FATHER:  Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
+  RANDOM:  He's getting better!
+  FATHER:  For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
+      recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,...
+      [ugh]
+  RANDOM:  Oh, he's died!
+  FATHER:  And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
+      dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
+      [clapping]
+      And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the
+      Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot...
+  LAUNCELOT:  What?
+  RANDOM:  Look!  The dead Prince!
+  CONCORDE:  He's not quite dead!
+  HERBERT:  Oh, I feel much better.
+  FATHER:  You fell out of the tower, you creep!
+  HERBERT:  No, I was saved at the last minute.
+  FATHER:  How?!
+  HERBERT:  Well, I'll tell you...
+      [music]
+  FATHER:  Not like that!  Not like that!  No, stop it!
+  SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+  FATHER:  Shut up!
+  SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+            He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+            He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+            He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+  CONCORDE:  Quickly, sir!  This way!
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, it's not in my idiom!  I must escape more....(sigh)
+  CONCORDE:  Dramatically, sir?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Dramatically!  Hee!  Ha!
+      [crash]
+      Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
+%
+Scene 30
+ 
+      [clop clop]
+  ARTHUR:  Old crone!  Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
+  a shrubbery!
+      [dramatic chord]
+  CRONE:  Who sent you?
+  ARTHUR:  The Knights Who Say Nee.
+  CRONE:  Agh!  No!  Never!  We have no shrubberies here.
+  ARTHUR:  If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
+      and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
+  CRONE:  Agh!  Do your worst!
+  ARTHUR:  Very well!  If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
+  CRONE:  No!  Never!  No shrubberies!
+  ARTHUR:  Nee!
+  BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Noo!
+  ARTHUR:  No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
+  BEDEMIR:  Noo!
+  ARTHUR:  No, no -- 'nee'.  You're not doing it properly.
+  BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Nee!
+  ARTHUR:  That's it, that's it, you've got it.
+  ARTHUR and BEDEMIR:  Nee!  Nee!
+  ROGER:  Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
+  ARTHUR:  Um, yes.
+  ROGER:  Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say `nee'
+      at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing
+      is sacred.  Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
+      considerable economic stress at this period in history.
+  ARTHUR:  Did you say `shrubberies'?
+  ROGER:  Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber.  My name
+      is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
+  BEDEMIR:  Nee!
+  ARTHUR:  No!  No, no, no!  No!
+%
+Scene 31
+ 
+  ARTHUR:  O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we
+      go now?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly.
+      But there is one small problem.
+  ARTHUR:  What is that?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
+  RANDOM:  Nee!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh shh.  We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
+      ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
+  RANDOM:  Nee!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
+  ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
+      Said Nee?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
+      [dramatic chord]
+  ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
+      it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
+      two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
+  RANDOM:  A path!  A path!  Nee!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
+      down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
+      [dramatic chord]
+  ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
+  ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Don't say that word.
+  ARTHUR:  What word?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
+      the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
+  ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
+  ARTHUR:  What, `is'?
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
+      saying `is'.
+  BEDEMIR:  My liege, it's Sir Robin!
+  MINSTREL (singing):  Packing it in and packing it up
+                       And sneaking away and buggering up
+                       And chickening out and pissing about
+                       Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
+  ARTHUR:  Oh, Robin!
+  ROBIN:  My liege!  It's good to see you!
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word!
+  ARTHUR:  Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
+  MINSTREL (singing):  He is sneaking away and buggering up--
+  ROBIN:  Shut up!  No, no no-- far from it.
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  He said the word again!
+  ROBIN:  I was looking for it.
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
+  ROBIN:  Uh, here, here in this forest.
+  ARTHUR:  No, it is far from--
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaaaugh!  Stop saying the word!
+  ARTHUR:  Oh, stop it!
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh!  He said it again!
+  ARTHUR:  Patsy!
+  HEAD KNIGHT:  Aaugh!  I said it!  I said it!  Ooh!  I said it again!
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!
+
+Narrative Interlude 3
+ 
+  NARRATOR:  And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their
+      search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.
+      Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
+      rejoicing.
+  ALL:  Yay!  Yay!
+  NARRATOR:  In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin's
+      minstrels.  And there was much rejoicing.
+  ALL:  Yay!
+  NARRATOR:  A year passed.  Winter changed into Spring.  Spring changed
+      into Summer.  Summer changed back into Winter.  And Winter gave Spring
+      and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.  Until one day...
+%
+Scene 32
+ 
+  ARTHUR:  Knights!  Forward!
+      [boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
+      What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint
+      or tinder?
+  TIM:  I... am an enchanter.
+  ARTHUR:  By what name are you known?
+  TIM:  There are some who call me... Tim?
+  ARTHUR:  Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
+  TIM:  Greetings, King Arthur!
+  ARTHUR:  You know my name?
+  TIM:  I do.
+      [zoosh]
+      You seek the Holy Grail!
+  ARTHUR:  That is our quest.  You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
+  TIM:  Quite.
+      [pweeng boom]
+      [clap clap clap]
+  ARTHUR:  Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail.  Our quest is to find
+      the Holy Grail.
+  KNIGHTS:  It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
+  ARTHUR:  And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
+  KNIGHTS:  Yes we are we are.
+  BEDEMIR:  We have been for some time.
+  ROBIN:  Ages.
+  ARTHUR:  Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be...
+      very... helpful...
+  GALAHAD:  Look, can you tell us wh-
+      [boom]
+  ARTHUR:  Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh
+      I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um,
+      find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
+  TIM:  A what...?
+  ARTHUR:  A g--, a g--
+  TIM:  A Grail?!
+  ARTHUR:  Yes, I think so.
+  KNIGHTS:  Yes, that's it.  Yes.
+  TIM:  Yes!
+  KNIGHTS:  Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
+      [boom pweeng boom boom]
+  ARTHUR:  Look, you're a busy man, uh--
+  TIM:  Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
+  KNIGHTS:  Oh, thank you.
+  TIM:  To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg --
+      wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last
+      words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting
+      place of the most Holy Grail.
+  ARTHUR:  Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
+  TIM:  Follow!  But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance
+      to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man
+      yet has fought with it and lived!  Bones of four fifty men lie strewn
+      about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or
+      your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty
+      big pointy teeth.
+  ARTHUR:  What an eccentric performance.
+%
+Scene 33
+ 
+      [clop clop whinny]
+  KNIGHT:  They're nervous, sire.
+  ARTHUR:  Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.  Dis-mount!
+  TIM:  Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
+  ARTHUR:  Right!  Keep me covered.
+  KNIGHT:  What with?
+  ARTHUR:  Just keep me covered.
+  TIM:  Too late!
+      [chord]
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  TIM:  There he is!
+  ARTHUR:  Where?
+  TIM:  There!
+  ARTHUR:  What, behind the rabbit?
+  TIM:  It is the rabbit!
+  ARTHUR:  You silly sod!  You got us all worked up!
+  TIM:  Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.  That's the most foul, cruel,
+      and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
+  ROBIN:  You tit!  I soiled my armor I was so scared!
+  TIM:  Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a
+      killer!
+  KNIGHT:  Get stuffed!
+  TIM:  It'll do you a trick, mate!
+  KNIGHT:  Oh, yeah?
+  ROBIN:  You mangy Scot git!
+  TIM:  I'm warning you!
+  ROBIN:  What's he do, nibble your bum?
+  TIM:  He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
+  ARTHUR:  Go on, Boris.  Chop his head off!
+  BORIS:  Right!  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew comin' right up!
+  TIM:  Look!
+      [squeak]
+  BORIS:  Aaaugh!
+      [chord]
+  ARTHUR:  Jesus Christ!
+  TIM:  I warned you!
+  ROBIN:  I peed again!
+  TIM:  I warned you!  But did you listen to me?  Oh, no, you knew it all,
+      didn't you?  Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it?  Well,
+      it's always the same,  I always--
+  ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up!
+  TIM:  --But do they listen to me?--
+  ARTHUR:  Right!
+  TIM:  -Oh, no--
+  KNIGHTS:  Charge!
+      [squeak squeak]
+  KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh! etc.
+  KNIGHTS:  Run away!  Run away!
+  TIM:  Haw haw haw.  Haw haw haw.  Haw haw.
+  ARTHUR:  Right.  How many did we lose?
+  KNIGHT:  Gawain.
+  KNIGHT:  Hector.
+  ARTHUR:  And Boris.  That's five.
+  GALAHAD:  Three, sir.
+  ARTHUR:  Three.  Three.  And we'd better not risk another frontal
+      assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
+  ROBIN:  Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
+  ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
+  GALAHAD:  Let us taunt it!  It may become so cross that it will make
+      a mistake.
+  ARTHUR:  Like what?
+  GALAHAD:  Well,....
+  ARTHUR:  Have we got bows?
+  KNIGHT:  No.
+  LAUNCELOT:  We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
+  ARTHUR:  Yes, of course!  The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!  'Tis one
+      of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him!  Brother Maynard!
+      Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
+      [singing]
+      How does it, uh... how does it work?
+  KNIGHT:  I know not, my liege.
+  ARTHUR:  Consult the Book of Armaments!
+  MAYNARD:  Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
+  BROTHER:  "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
+      'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
+      thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.'  And the Lord did grin, and
+      people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies,
+      and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
+  MAYNARD:  Skip a bit, Brother.
+  BROTHER:  "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
+      Holy Pin.  Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.  Three
+      shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting
+      shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two,
+      excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.  Once
+      the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou
+      thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty
+      in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
+  MAYNARD:  Amen.
+  ALL:  Amen.
+  ARTHUR:  Right!  One... two... five!
+  KNIGHT:  Three, sir!
+  ARTHUR:  Three!
+      [boom]
+%
+Scene 34
+ 
+  KNIGHT:  There!  Look!
+  LAUNCELOT:  What does it say?
+  GALAHAD:  What language is that?
+  ARTHUR:  Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
+  MAYNARD:  It's Aramaic!
+  GALAHAD:  Of course!  Joseph of Aramathea!
+  LAUNCELOT:  Course!
+  KNIGHT:  What does it say?
+  MAYNARD:  It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
+      Aramathea.  He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail
+      in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
+  ARTHUR:  What?
+  MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
+  BEDEMIR:  What is that?
+  MAYNARD:  He must have died while carving it.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, come on!
+  MAYNARD:  Well, that's what it says.
+  ARTHUR:  Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'.
+      He'd just say it!
+  MAYNARD:  Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
+  GALAHAD:  Perhaps he was dictating.
+  ARTHUR:  Oh, shut up.  Well, does it say anything else?
+  MAYNARD:  No.  Just, 'uuggggggh'.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Aauuggghhh.
+  KNIGHT:  Aaauggh.
+  BEDEMIR:  You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
+  KNIGHT:  Where's that?
+  BEDEMIR:  France, I think.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
+  ARTHUR:  No, that's Saint Ives.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, yes.  Saint Iiiives.
+  SEVERAL:  Iiiiives.
+  BEDEMIR:  Oooohoohohooo!
+  LAUNCELOT:  No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat.  Aauuugh.
+  BEDEMIR:  No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
+  BEDEMIR:  Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
+  KNIGHT:  Oooh!
+  KNIGHT:  Oh, no!
+      [roar]
+  MAYNARD:  It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!
+  ARTHUR:  Run away!
+  ALL:  Run away!  Run away!
+      [roar]
+  NARRATOR:  As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape
+      for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless.  When, suddenly, the
+      animator suffered a fatal heart attack.  [ulk]  The cartoon peril
+      was no more.  The Quest for the Holy Grail could continue.
+%
+Scene 35
+ 
+ ARTHUR:  There it is!  The Bridge of Death!
+  ROBIN:  Oh, great.
+  KNIGHT:  Look!
+  ARTHUR:  There's the old man from Scene 24!
+  BEDEMIR:  What is he doing here?
+  ARTHUR:  He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.  He asks each
+      traveller five questions--
+  KNIGHT:  Three questions.
+  ARTHUR:  Three questions.  He who answers the five questions--
+  KNIGHT:  Three questions.
+  ARTHUR:  Three questions may cross in safety.
+  ROBIN:  What if you get a question wrong?
+  ARTHUR:  Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
+  ROBIN:  Oh, I won't go.
+  KNIGHT:  Who's going to answer the questions?
+  ARTHUR:  Sir Robin!
+  ROBIN:  Yes?
+  ARTHUR:  Brave Sir Robin, you go.
+  ROBIN:  Hey!  I've got a great idea.  Why doesn't Launcelot go?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Yes, let me go, my liege.  I will take him single-handed.
+      I shall make a feint to the north-east--
+  ARTHUR:  No, no, hang on, hang on, hang on!  Just answer the five
+      questions--
+  KNIGHT:  Three questions.
+  ARTHUR:  Three questions as best you can.  And we shall watch... and
+      pray.
+  LAUNCELOT:  I understand, my liege.
+  ARTHUR:  Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot.  God be with you.
+  KEEPER:  Stop!  Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
+      these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.  I'm not afraid.
+  KEEPER:  What is your name?
+  LAUNCELOT:  My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
+  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
+  LAUNCELOT:  To seek the Holy Grail.
+  KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?
+  LAUNCELOT:  Blue.
+  KEEPER:  Right.  Off you go.
+  LAUNCELOT:  Oh, thank you.  Thank you very much.
+  ROBIN:  That's easy!
+  KEEPER:  Stop!  Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me
+      these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
+  ROBIN:  Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper.  I'm not afraid.
+  KEEPER:  What is your name?
+  ROBIN:  Sir Robin of Camelot.
+  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
+  ROBIN:  To seek the Holy Grail.
+  KEEPER:  What is the capital of Assyria?
+  ROBIN:  I don't know that!  Auuuuuuuugh!
+  KEEPER:  Stop!  What is your name?
+  GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad of Camelot.
+  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
+  GALAHAD:  I seek the Holy Grail.
+  KEEPER:  What is your favorite color?
+  GALAHAD:  Blue.  No yel--  Auuuuuuuugh!
+  KEEPER:  Heh heh.  Stop!  What is your name?
+  ARTHUR:  It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
+  KEEPER:  What is your quest?
+  ARTHUR:  To seek the Holy Grail.
+  KEEPER:  What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
+  ARTHUR:  What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
+  KEEPER:  What?  I don't know that!  Auuuuuuuugh!
+  BEDEMIR:  How do know so much about swallows?
+  ARTHUR:  Well, you have to know these things when you're a king you know.
+%
+Scene 36
+ 
+  ARTHUR:  Launcelot!  Launcelot!  Launcelot!
+  BEDEMIR:  Launcelot!  Launcelot!
+  ARTHUR:  Launcelot!  Launcelot!
+  BEDEMIR:  Launcelot!  Launcelot!
+      [angels singing]
+  ARTHUR:  The Castle Aggh.  Our quest is at an end!  God be praised!
+      Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something] safe
+      [something] the most-
+      [twong  baaaa]
+      Jesus Christ!
+  GUARD:  'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who
+      is afraid of a duck, you know!  So, we French fellows out-wit you a
+      second time!
+  ARTHUR:  How dare you profane this place with your presence!?  I command
+      you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this
+      sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
+  GUARD:  How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your
+      direction, sons of a window-dresser!  So, you think you could
+      out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about
+      advancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
+      heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters.
+  ARTHUR:  In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
+      castle!
+  GUARD:  No chance, English bedwetting types.  I burst my pimples at you
+      and call your daughter an unrequested silly thing.  You tiny-brained
+      wipers of other people's bottoms!
+  ARTHUR:  If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by
+      force!
+      [splat]
+      In the name of God and the glory of our--
+      [splat]
+      Right!  That settles it!
+  GUARD:  Yes, this time and try
+      any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads
+      and make castanets out of your testicles already!  Ha ha!
+  ARTHUR:  Walk away.  Just ignore them.
+  GUARD:  No, remain you illegitimate faced buggerfuls!  And, if you think
+      you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet!  Daffy
+      English kaniggets!  Thpppt!
+  ARTHUR:  We shall attack at once!
+  BEDEMIR:  Yes, my liege!
+  ARTHUR:  Stand by for attack!
+%