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| -rw-r--r-- | .SRCINFO | 8 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | PKGBUILD | 8 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | parks-and-recreation (renamed from parks-and-recreation.1-3) | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | parks-and-recreation.4-7 | 3195 |
4 files changed, 7 insertions, 3206 deletions
@@ -1,16 +1,14 @@ pkgbase = fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation pkgdesc = Parks and Recreation fortune cookie file - pkgver = 1.1 + pkgver = 1.2 pkgrel = 1 url = https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Parks_and_Recreation_(season_7) arch = any groups = fortune-mods license = unknown depends = fortune-mod - source = parks-and-recreation.1-3 - source = parks-and-recreation.4-7 - md5sums = df9af1e1bb0ea8f5495337322d59418b - md5sums = 68f6269ae1ea7d253190beda7f59616b + source = parks-and-recreation + md5sums = afe5beafb90a0ccfdd570f3add836f64 pkgname = fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation @@ -1,7 +1,7 @@ # Maintainer: Nathan Monfils <nathan.monfils@hotmail.fr> pkgname=fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation -pkgver=1.1 +pkgver=1.2 pkgrel=1 pkgdesc="Parks and Recreation fortune cookie file" url="https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Parks_and_Recreation_(season_7)" @@ -9,14 +9,12 @@ arch=('any') license=('unknown') depends=('fortune-mod') groups=('fortune-mods') -source=(parks-and-recreation.1-3 parks-and-recreation.4-7) -md5sums=('df9af1e1bb0ea8f5495337322d59418b' '68f6269ae1ea7d253190beda7f59616b') +source=(parks-and-recreation) +md5sums=('afe5beafb90a0ccfdd570f3add836f64') build() { cd "$srcdir" - # The file had to be split in two due to the AUR's 256 KB file limitation (total is 257 KB) - cat parks-and-recreation.1-3 parks-and-recreation.4-7 > parks-and-recreation strfile parks-and-recreation parks-and-recreation.dat } diff --git a/parks-and-recreation.1-3 b/parks-and-recreation index 4cd1a60ba2e0..4fe52902f2c2 100644 --- a/parks-and-recreation.1-3 +++ b/parks-and-recreation @@ -1,4 +1,4 @@ - — Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me. +— Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me. % — Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I diff --git a/parks-and-recreation.4-7 b/parks-and-recreation.4-7 deleted file mode 100644 index 70c1896dd192..000000000000 --- a/parks-and-recreation.4-7 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3195 +0,0 @@ -[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her] - - — Ron: Knope, follow me. - — Leslie: Just one second. - — Ron: NOW. - -[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway] - - — Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going -on? - — Ron: My ex-wife is back. - -[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand] - - — Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard. - — Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One. - -[Leslie gasps] - - — Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of -them. While I'm gone, you're in charge. - -[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and -retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct] - - — Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, -or it will begin to smell. Godspeed. - -[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.] -% - — Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just -said about this situation. -% - — Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. - I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted -by the largest penis I have ever seen. -% - — Ron: Hello Tammy. - — Tammy One: Ronald. - — Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want? - — Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust? - — Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives. - — Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald. - — Ron: I don't care. - — Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling? - — Ron: ... - — Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for -all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep... - — Ron: I don't need your help. - — Tammy One: Wrong. You do. As your so fond of saying, "It's a Free County." -Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail. -% - — Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron. -Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail. - — Ron: Are you broken? -% - — Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. -My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy. -% - — Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist? - — Model: I guess. I don't really know. - — Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you? - — Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical. - — Ben: ... - -[cut to Ben being interviewd] - - — Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence! -% -[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent] - - — Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am -Leslie Knope, Deputy- - — Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while -I'm here. - -[Leslie awkwardly sits down] -% - — Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! -This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. -We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your -accounts. And your home. - — Ron: ...Is that necessary? - — Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid? - — Everyone: ... - — Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name? - — Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski... - — Tammy One: Really? - — Andy: No...Andy Dwyer. - — Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to -put it in my car. Ms. Knope! - — Leslie: Yes!? - — Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's -workplace expense reports. - — Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because -Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle -royale. It's super fun- - — Tammy One Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will -remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in -Terre Haute. - — Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll. - — Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger. - — Leslie: Yes ma'am... -% -[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully] - - — Ron: Good morning everyone! - — Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] -Ron!! Your mustache fell off!! - — Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked -better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is -very unsanitary. - — Leslie: What? - — Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy? - — Jerry: ...What? - — Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one? - — Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she -converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers. - — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help? - — Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense. -% - — Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not -quite sure how to phrase them. - — Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between -you and me. Right my love? - — Tammy One: Stop fidgeting. - — Ron: Sorry. - — Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone. - — Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na. - — Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool. - — Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and -you need to go. - — Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom? - — Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands! - -[Ron gets up and leaves] - - — Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real? - — Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I -want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future -was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold... - — Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger! -% - — Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, -we need Mothra. No offense. - — Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] -Who's this tall drink of water? - — Andy: Andy... - — Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging? - — Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move -your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat? - — Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch -is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot. - — April: Eww! - — Andy: Could we take a peek at it? - — Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can -pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of -acid. - — Leslie Oh my God! - — Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron. - — April: Andy... - — Leslie: Don't joke around. - — Andy: I...have ideas too... -% -[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom] - - — Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!! - — Leslie: Why do you have so many guns? - — Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it? - — Leslie: Yes... - — Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing -on my own property! Let's go! - — April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom. -% - — Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this. - — Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off. - -[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol] - - — April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel! - — Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever -grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed -boats. - — Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to -the farm for good. - — Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal! - — Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty. - — Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if -I win, Ron stays here with us. - — Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the -mules! - -[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor] - - — Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake! -% -[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine] - - — Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough? - — Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close! - — Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close... - — Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this. - — Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy. -% -[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor] - - — Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! - — Ron: She's had enough. Call it off. - — Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out. - — April: Wait, I'm subbing in. - — Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail. - — April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. - -[April takes a swig of the liquor] - - — April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD! - — Ron: Okay! This ends now! - -[Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement] - - — Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're -going back to Hell. - — Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground -safe. I stole half your gold. - — Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe -buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all. - — Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be -there the minute you die. - -[Tammy One Walks Out] - - — Leslie: Ron...your family's weird... -% - — Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts." I'm Derry Murbles, -filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration -patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. -% - — Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote it -as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it -a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we -removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and -here it is! -% - — Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of -words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted? - — Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one? -% - — Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like you -phones? - — April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life. -% - — Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to -tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism. - — Joan: In what way? - — Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face. - — Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born? - — Leslie: Pawnee!! - — Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly! - -[music starts and dancers come out] - - — Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!! -% - — Ann I could leave. I could but I'm not going to. I'm will get my one -minute of small talk dammit!! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE. -% - — Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to -know the truth about where you were born. - — Leslie: Okay. Well- - — Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many -of you were actually born in Pawnee? - -[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand] - - — Chris: ..Fair enough. - — Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here. - — Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate? - — Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me- - — Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you -came from!! - — Leslie: I am back from where I came from!! - — Man: That sentence was confusing!!! You might as well be from China!!! -% - — Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should -model. - — Ben: ...That never happened. - — Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's -the luckiest man in the world? - — Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing. - — Tom: Oh... - — Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual -appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches. - — Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor... -% - — Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other -things... if you know what I mean. - — Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina? -% - — Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April. - -[cut to Ann trying to talk to April] - - — Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if -you could recommend anything. - — April: ...The internet. - — Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it? - — April: Prison. - — Ann: How's your sister doing? - — April: She has the shingles. - — Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City? - — April: Alf. - -[cut back to Ann being interviewed] - - — Ann: And nine seconds with Ron. - -[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron] - - — Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring -with you? - — Ron: Silence... - — Ann: ... -% - — Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek. - — Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same -alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that -it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just -say the message boards are going nuts. - -[pause] - - — Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and -[bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at -the same time. -% - — Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort -probably. -% - — Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video -games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me -and Mother Nature. - — Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call -me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call. - — Ron: Thank you Andy. - — Andy: Brother Nature. -% - — Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle." - -[applause] - - — Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!" - — Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that. - — Leslie: I'll say! -% - — Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The -answer is mine. Say mine is better. - — Ron: It's not a competition. - — Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls -out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My -fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors! - — Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie! - — Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle -Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my -haird... -% - — Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones? - — Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game -of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, -they're telling human stories in a fantasy world. -% - — Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft -time? Lauren? - — Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein! - -[applause] - - — Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow -that. Ann? - — Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they -kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters. - — Everyone: ... - — Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws -dolls in the fire] - — Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important. -% - — Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we -treat ourselves to? - — Donna: Clothes. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Fragrances. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Massages. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Mimosas. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: It's the best day of the year. - — Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year! -% - — Ron: You are defecting? - — Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and -eat beans. - — Ron: Those beans were a reward. -% - — Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back -and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base. -% - — Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by -proving that we were better than them! - — Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better -solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum! - — Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren. - — Lauren: What was that? - — Leslie: I said great idea Lauren! -% - — Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie -Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30. -% - — Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's -expensive and there's no use for it. - — Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self. - — Ben: ... - — Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a -cashmere, velvet candy cane. - — Donna: Treat Yo Self! - — Ben: ...This is insane. -% -[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume] - - — Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd! - — Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing? - — Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. -You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes -you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? -You're gonna Treat Yourself! - — Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks -you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself! - — Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying. -% - — Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun? -% - — Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the -water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I -Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little -boys be super into me...that came out wrong. -% - — Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often -suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with -business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: -Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor. - — Tom: Oh my God! - — Leslie: I'm not going to use that. -% - — Ben: I take it we're having a party? - — Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry. - — Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have -an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. - — Andy: That's a good point. -% - — Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of -problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint -at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced. -% - — Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman. - — Donna: Yup. You're a regular- - — Chris: -Sherlock Holmes!! I solved that mystery before you did. - — Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away] -% - — Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year? - — Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your -bathroom faucet is leaking? - — Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What -else do they want me to do? - — Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well. - — Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and -you touch the wire, YOU DIE!!! - — Ron: ...Yes that is accurate. -% - — Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. If -you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say -without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick. -% - — Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and -Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says -sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans. -% -[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners] - - — Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private -citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments. - — Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads. - — Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya. - -[Tanya looks insulted] - - — Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand behind -my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a -lot of support in the community for that. - -[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly] -% - — Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I -think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad. -% - — Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor! - — Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all -good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech? - — Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs -and sit on your own face!? -% -[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house] - - — Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on? - — Ron: I know more than you. - — Lowe's Employee: ...Alright. -% - — Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and -what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not -referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many -businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount -Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile -Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... Smooth Operator Bikini -Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan... -% -[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink] - - — Ann: Oh my God! We made it work! - — Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I -just love it so much. -% - — Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you. - — Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room. - — Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm -gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature. - -[starts beating up Ben] -% -[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink] - - — Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench. - — Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a -triple three bolt smack. - — Ron: That was nonsense. - — Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that! - — Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it. - — Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron. -% - — Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, -good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person. -% - — Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along -with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a -company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you. -% - — Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] -business. -% - — Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland? - — Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so. - — Leslie: OK, how about Japan? - — Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? -They've never been the bad guys. -% - — Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie! - — Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick -in front of your weeping mother! - — Ben: ...Good Lord. -% - — Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time -in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't -actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy. -% - — Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and -now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean? - — Ann: I think you know what it means. - — Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long -as possible so Ben and I can keep working together. - — Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant. - — Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and -then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I -will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann. - — Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes... - — Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful -pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently -support me on this gameplan. - — Ann: Leslie... - — Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann... - — Ann: Leslie... - — Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit -endorsement of all my behaviors. -% - — Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel -mill. He didn't think I should go to college. -% - — Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing? - — Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought -it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as -a joke to shut me up. - — Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that? - — Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt. -% - — Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links -Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking? - — Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively -prove... - — Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire -you and have you prosecuted. - — Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me -off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, -have fun with this trial. Yay! -% - — Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city -council again, Leslie. With our help. - — April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media. - — Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach. - — Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator. - — Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be. - — Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz. - — Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I -was supposed to come up with something. I... - — Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need. - — Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on -hold. - — Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on -hold. - — Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an -election! -% - — Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein. - — Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much! - — Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle. - — Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney? - — Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, -correct? - — Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might -not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about. -Don't know what QuickBooks are. - — Barney: You don't have any accounting experience? - — Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an -accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often? - — Nancy: To my job? - — Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it. - — Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the -spreadsheets? - — Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to -my place and I will rock your— - — Barney: You're fired! - — Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in? -% - — Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political -campaign. - — Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and -you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare -hands! - — Ann: No I haven't. - — Leslie: You haven't!? - — Ann: No! - — Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse. -% - — Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes -and say yes. - — Ann: Okay yes! - — Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann. - — Ann: Thank you. - — Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing -like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again. - — Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago. - — April: Wow you're doing a really bad job. -% - — Leslie: William, Elizabeth! - — William: Leslie, hi. - — Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm -relaunching my campaign? - — William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting -with other potential candidates for City Council. - — Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone -else and run theirs? - — Elizabeth: Yes that's our job. - — Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new -advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers. - — Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke -everything. - — Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in. - — William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly. - -[William and Elizabeth start walking away] - - — Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're -relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone. -% - — Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign -managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional -assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was -way better in my head. -% -[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion] - - — Ben: That is a three-legged dog. - — Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion. - — Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog -have when you found him? - — Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs -than most dogs can do with four. - — April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging. - — Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. -You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes -back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever. - — Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death. - — Andy: Yes! - — Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you. - — April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, -Andy and I have jobs. - — Ben: ...Cruel but fair. -% - — Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager. - — Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that -they wear a lot of dark colors. - — Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked -guys Ann. - — Ann: ...What? -% - — Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone? - — April: Here sit on my lap. - — Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap? - — Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it. - — Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap. - — Tom: Yes sir. -% - — Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you -wanna do. - — Pistol Pete: Okay. - — Leslie: I think you wanna dunk. - — Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball. - — Ann: What about a layup? -% - — Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years -old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what -laws are we breaking exactly? - — Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a -seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. -The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a -commercial license to drive a truck. - — Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what -constitutes a law. -% - — Leslie: Glenn you're killing me. - — Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to -get that gimp dog to bite me. - — Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I -both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and -do what comes naturally. - — Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate... -% - — Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming? - — Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the -biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage] - — Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What -happened to the rest of my face!? - — Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause -windows are the eyes to the house. -% - — Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that -you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here. - — Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that -term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there! - — Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?! - — April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry? -% - — Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as -a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem. -% - — Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always been -proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here when -they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that was -something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a -disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I -can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will -be interesting! -% - — Leslie: Ann you're fired. - — Ann: Oh thank God. -% - — Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the -town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in -the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections. -% - — Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is -wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business. - — Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects. - — John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam? - — Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day. - — John: Where will all the water go? - — Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never -happening and your dream has been crushed. - — Chris: We're very sorry. - — Ron: I am not. Good meeting. -% - — Jerry: Is everybody feeling good? - — April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls -to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse. -% - — Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. -Anything more and this becomes figure skating. -% - — Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared. -% - — Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. -[laughs] She's weird. -% - — Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love. - — Ann: What did you say something? - — Leslie: Love you! -% - — Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. - — Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron. - — Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. -% - — Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in -her? - — Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything. - — Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. - — Leslie: Silence. - — Jerry: ...I don't think she does- - — Tom: Would she like some!? -% - — Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz. - — Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I -don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound. -% - — Andy: Aww cool cryptex!! Can I have it!? - — Ben: Hey! No, no you can't! - — Andy: Where'd you get it!? - — Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is? - — Andy: I know what things are. - — Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in -here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third -date. - — Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?' - — Ben: ...That's a four letter word. - — Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'? - — Ben: I really don't think it's that. - — Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the -second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know. - -[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office] - - — Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open. - — Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?' - — Andy: Ha! - — Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?! - — Andy: Just smart people. - — Ron: I think I might be able to help you. - — Andy: Told ya! - -[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex] -% -[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man] - - — Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann! - — Leslie: Jerry! Well done! - — Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual -Fun." Enrico here responded right away! - — Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay? - — Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude. - — Tom: You hired a male escort. - — Jerry: A what? - — Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here. - — Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God... -% - — Leslie: How are you? - — Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. -Can't imagine a more depressing place to be! - — Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and -you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to -'Single Ladies' by yourself? - — Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you? - — Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink! -% - — Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like -the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself. - — Chris: It is. - — Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you -rebound!? - — Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, -they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry] - — Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that! -% - — Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this -town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department. - — Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say. - — Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives? - — Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too. - — Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna -make a decision... - — Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at -O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an -answer. Weirdo can come, too. - — Ben: Alright. - — Leslie: Let's go. - — Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say... - — Leslie: Don't. - — Ben: ...that the boys in blue... - — Leslie: Stop. - — Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it -comes........9/11. - — Leslie: And we're walking. - — Ben: OK. -% - — Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, -involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I -relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is -southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement -at that time. -% - — Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people. -% - — Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. -% - — Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee -seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying." -% - — Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to -slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I -slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious. -% - — Donna: Do I look like I drink water? -% - — Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means -you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other -implications as well. So those are a maybe. -% - — April: Why are you here eating alone? - — Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. -And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no -arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel. - — April: That's impossible. - — Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story. -% - — Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my -campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's -me. -% - — Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that -Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the -whole thing. -% - — Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make -anything sound positive. - — Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock -market. - — Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is -measured by the amount of love in your life. -% - — Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want -it to be me. -% - — Leslie: Is the menu all set? - — Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs. - — April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances! - — Andy: Sweet! - — Leslie: No! -% - — Donor: So you do a lot of investing? - — Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage -sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine -glass and stares at it] The economy. -% - — Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you -ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us -more money. That is all. Ron Swanson. -% - — Leslie: Do it!! Fierce!! Power!! Pump it up!! 2012!! Nothing gets me more -amped than Sarah McLachlan! -% -[Candidates are giving their opening statements] - - — Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you -your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium. - — Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! - — Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending -machines. - — Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know -about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year -alone. - — Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! - — Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to -be the only woman in a room full of men. - — Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as -important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my -own children. -% - — Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people -do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is -having sex with men and women on camera. - — Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same -person. -% - — Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as -Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been There, Done That. April is Currently Doing -That. Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream. Chris, code name: If I Had To -Pick A Dude. Ben is Eagle Two. - — Ben: Oh thank God. -% - — Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell -you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel -the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate -this city's libraries!! - -[Applause and cheers from the crowd] -% - — Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day -all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon. -% - — Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go -down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and -then BAM, I start crying. -% - — Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?! - — Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop -campaigning. We stop, we lose! - — Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said. - — Ann: I'm not gonna beat him. - — Leslie: Not with that attitude! - — Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to -Bobby in person. - — Leslie: April? - — April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann! - — Leslie: Andy? - — Andy: If..I..If...The guy... - — Leslie: Okay! -% - — Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. -If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. -Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with -huge cans. - — Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to now about it. -% - — Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and -published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions? - — Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call -Mr. Newport a jerk? - — Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to -be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling -Nick Newport Hitler. - — Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call -"Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family -you'd like to attack? - — Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of -some kind? - — Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody. - — Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river? -% -[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes] - - — Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!! - — Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on? - -[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck] - - — Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me! - — Tom: Am I dead? - — Bill: WHAT THE HELL!? - — Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me. - — Bill: That is not what happened. - — Donna: I got witnesses. - — Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man. - — Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred." - — Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole. - — Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals. - — Bill: GAH!!! -% - — Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis -to everyone and you've come here to pie him! - — Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming! - — Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I -would love nothing- - -[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face] - - — Andy: Aww Fuck Ben!! Sorry!! - -[Police take Sewage Joe away] - - — Andy: Oh ho!!! I did it!!! - — Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job. -% - — Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt -so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were -playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, -tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and -gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real. -% - — Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope. - — Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the -concession speech you wrote for me. - — Ben: I never wrote it. -% - — Leslie: City Council, bitches! -% -— Andy: You OK, boss? - — Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but -all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca. - — Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca? - — Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares -confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses -into one woman called Hot Rebecca. - — Andy: Oooh. - — Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super -PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat. - — Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is -gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam. - — Leslie: No. - — Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass -Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up -on stuff. - — Leslie: Thanks. - — Andy: That's what makes you... - — Leslie: Nope. - — Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it. -% - — Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn. -% - — Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. -Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which -was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town... -% - — Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce -option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there -is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a -child size soda? - — Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child -were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59. -% - — Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber. -% - — Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan. -Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy! -% - — Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide -healthier options like Water Zero. - — Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there -are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per -serving. Isn't that misleading? - — Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which -is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only -60 calories. -% -[At a public forum] - - — Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses -lightly. - — Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas -and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in -ten years... - — Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months? - — Woman: Well we have lots of other problems. -% - — Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right -everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab -a slice of Za bro! - — Ellis: Okay. - — Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!? - — Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown. - — Ben: Dude! So did I! In college! - — April: Whoa! You guys should get married! -% - — Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes! -% - — Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's -vaginas. - — Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals. - — Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!? -% - — Leslie: Hey. - — Ann: Hey you look weird. - — Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful. -% - — Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!! - — Ellis: ...What? - — Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind. -% - — Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes. - — April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up] - — Ellis: What is your problem?! - — April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and -if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know -where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your -eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a -dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that? - — Ellis: Yes. - — April: Do it! -% - — April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count. - — Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week. -% - — Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT. -% - — Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia. - — Andy: Woo! -% - — Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what -they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of -them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field -day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a -lot of crabs. -% - — Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, -they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause -they're close to death. - — Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery. - — Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny." -% - — Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask -Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady -accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly -since LBJ was president! - — Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more -concerned with disease. - — Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? - — Ann: I don't think so no. - — Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do? - — Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat? - — Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter. - — Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna -jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo! - — Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a -doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 -to ride this train! - — Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann] -% - — Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next -thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before -you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want? - — Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want. -% - — Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan! - — Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with -them on your own time! - — Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those. -% - — Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses. - — Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading -at chapter three. - — Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your -Pants & No-one Is Invited... - — Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to -magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen! - — Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania. - — Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away] - — Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying. -% - — Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi -Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it. -% - — Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you. - — Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing? - — Ben: I can't do that right now. - -[Leslie laughs] -% - — Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those -death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote -was really profane. - — Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't -like how I tweet, don't follow me. - — Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you. - — Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation. -% - — Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge -garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee -Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my -wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing -condition. -% - — Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for? - — April: I dunno, eight cents? - — Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard -"Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam. - — April: Ooh...$900. - — Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right. -% -[Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben] - - — Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have -to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time. - — Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back. - — Leslie: I know. - — Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300... - — Leslie: Alright Martha I get it! -% - — Ben: Marry me? - — Leslie: Oh, yeah! -% - — Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No -one can bring my parents together. -% - — Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops! - — Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/ - — Leslie: We're getting married!! - — Ben: All right. -% - — Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come -up in my police work -% - — Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond. -% - — Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry -Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a -spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman -Leslie Knope. - — Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin -lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a -park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I -guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal. - — Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the -children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime -nocturnally. - — Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration -of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your -resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't -hurry. -% - — Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is -like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some -junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind! - — Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton. - — Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind. -% - — Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I -pass out. -% - — Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee. -We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years! - — Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So -let's at least go meet the guy. - — Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I -like your plan. - — Ben: ... -% - — Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee -City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job. -% - — Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee -for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help -and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home. -% - — Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start -work on that right away? - — Chris: Yes sir! - — Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere. -% - — Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton. - — Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother! -% - — Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the -public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right? - — Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort. - — Ben: No. You! -% - — Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna -leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee. - — Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out] - — Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ... -% - — Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place? - — Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale -but it looks a lot like dried phlegm. - — Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins -tried to commit suicide. - — Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved -it. - — Ann: So you like the place? - — Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible. - — Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I -have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party! - — Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!? - — Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by -the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off] - — Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the -perfect party. -% -[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design] - - — Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds -and most importantly, smells that define your city. - — Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. -We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with -instructions for those who've never showered before. - -[Pause] - - — Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I -will rip your throats out. - — Ben: Out! Now! - — Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so... - -[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her] - - — Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back! -% - — April: Alright so does this look familiar? - — Andy: No not at all. - — April: I was talking to Joey. - — Joey's Mom: Joey! - — Joey: Mommy! - — Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! -You'll never know how much I appreciate it! - — Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am. - — Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler. - — Joey's Mom: ...What? - — April: Don't worry about it. - -[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away] - - — April: Wow you made those losers very happy. -% - — Ben: What the Hell happened man!? - — Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why -I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting -them out of the building. - — Ben: Well...good! - — Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote -them but I insisted they be fired. - — Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this. - — Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she -could ever get over the bad blood between our towns. - — Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person. - -[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin] - - — Leslie: REVENGE!!! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk!! -WOOOOO!!! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER!!! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying -his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin!! Suck it!! Now we're even. - — Ben: Leslie. - — Leslie: Huh? - — Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did. - — Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away] -% - — April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son. - — Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, -probably having sex with you. -% - — Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the -money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my -house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now. - — Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business. -% - — Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas! - — Ron: What? -% - — Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good -chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it -merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!! -% - — Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle -bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you! - — Ron: Get out. - — Leslie: Yeah. okay. -% - — Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw -up. -% - — Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. - — Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. - — Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have -been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. -BOOM! I'm out. [walks out] - — April: Who's Matlock? -% - — Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment -from the past year. - — April: Yes! - — Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of -garbage. - — April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue! - — Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup -with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe! - — Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick -up Jerry. - — April & Tom: No!! - — Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people? - — Tom: Not really. - — April: Never! -% -[Leslie talking about Diane] - - — Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane -Sawyer! -% -[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up] - - — Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up! - — Ron: No. - — Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is -perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin -neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring -woodworking stuff! - -[Everyone around them looks offended] - - — Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it -down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval. - — Ron: I don't need your approval. - — Leslie: But you have it. - — Ron: Don't need it. - — Leslie: But you got it! -% - — Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am -so so happy for him- - -[Tammy Two walks in] - - — Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much -wood ready to be worked. - — Leslie: ...Fuck me! -% - — Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert! - — Ron: She's here isn't she? - — Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be -here! - — Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named -Tammy who is also my ex-wife. - — Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice. - — Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! -Tammy! What are you doing here? - — Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled. -% - — Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is -that? - — April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann!! It's coming out of me -right now!! I'm pregnant!! - — Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. -There's no place for meanies. - — April: Oh forget it I'm coming in. - -[April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease] - - — April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!! - — Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are -you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse. - — April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins. - — Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because -they're unflattering to my hands! - — Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something -nice for Jerry. - — Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take -him to Jerry Dinner. - — Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in. - — Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry -Christmas Bitches!! -% - — Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same -table! - — Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved. - — Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my -boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron? - — Diane: Subtle. -% - — Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold -out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna! - — April: ...I actually like that one. -% - — Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo! - — Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place -% - — Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped! -% - — Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's -husband and his friends. -% - — April: You know what? I think men are better than women. - — Leslie: She's kidding - — April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they -are our masters. - — Leslie: April. Stop it! - — April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone. -% - — Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific. - — Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this -pwetty pwetty wittle bead. - — Ron: They're not infants. - — Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay? - — Zoey: You're weird. - — Ann: You're-[runs out] - — Jerry: Well hey girls! - — Ivy: ...No. - — Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away] -% - — Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's -face like a mask!! - — Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! - — Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman? - — Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories! -% - — Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome. - — April: And some privacy to violate! - — Leslie: Yeah!! - — April: Woo! - — Leslie: ...Wait no. -% - — Andy: You are officially a baller. - — Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete. -% - — Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here. -% - — Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there. - — Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't -mean to say that. -% - — Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt. - — Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that -I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. -[Ann's mouth is open] What?! - — Ann: Did you just say you love Diane? - — Ron: No. I did not. - — Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute! - — Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!! - — Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo!!! Ron loves mommy!! Ron Loves mommy!! - — Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't -tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard. - — Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy!! [the girls join in] - — Ron: I LOVE NOTHING!!! [runs out] - — Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past] -% - — April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we have -to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin Hestin, -he beat up five cops on that stuff. -% - — Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. -And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for -six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, -Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make -sense to me. -% - — Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my -food eats. -% - — Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you? - — Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. -Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark -secret. - — Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful. - — Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read -but I would watch the movie of. - — Ben: That's nonsense. -% - — April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex -pants. - — Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] -Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac. -% - — Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here. -% - — Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those -stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a -sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid. -% - — Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you. - — Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them. -% - — Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which -is bad. -% - — Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is -ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a -cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller. - -Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. - -Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons. -Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. -Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" -"Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in -this country. -I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie -Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller. -% - — Leslie: How did you get the word out? - — Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. - — Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. -It's been a very rewarding day. -% - — Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever. -% - — Donna: Did you just pee your pants? - — Jerry: Just a dab. - — Donna: You nasty Jerry. -% - — Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings. -% - — Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to -Game of Thrones." - — Tom: Nooooo... Jerry! -% - — Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is -crooked] How's it looks. - — Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry -tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... -break it a sixth. - — Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay. - — Chris: I have something for you. - — Ben: All right. - — Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have -been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010. - — Ben: [quietly] No way. - — Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those -eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both -found a home. - — Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me. - — Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh] -% - — Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a -wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you -look very beautiful. -% - — Ron: People who buy things are suckers. -% - — Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on -myself! -% - — Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, -you've never had to compensate for anything. -% - — Ron: I wish this office was just walls. -% - — Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing -everything I say. - — April: So what, I have to be your slave or something? - — Ann: No, you have to be my friend - — April: Ugh, that's so much worse. -% - — Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly. -% - — Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest. - — Donna: Who were you competing against? - — Chris: My own taste buds. -% - — Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is -water that's lying about being milk -% - — Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square -% - — April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable. -% - — April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger. -% - — Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him -several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I -barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And -when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the -ground. I regret nothing. The end. -% - — Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? - — Ron: One. - — Ann: That's it? One drink? - — Ron: One shelf. - — Ann: Do you exercise? - — Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking. - — Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family - — Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga. - — Ann: Allergies? - — Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts - — Ann: Sexual History? - — Ron: Epic and Private -% - — Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent. - — Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface. -% - — Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. - — April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for -animal control? - — Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind. - — Leslie: Get out. - — Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves] - — Chris: I liked him. -% - — Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion -bottles] - — April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused -like a railway worker. - — Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud. - — April: [smiles] Really? Thanks. -% - — Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd -choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do -nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done. -% - — Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What -kind of name is that? - — Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The -half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones? - — Ann: No, do you? - — Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! -Everyone on that show can get it! -% - — Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron. - — Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods? - — Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change -it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day. - — Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you -have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June. - — Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first -time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship. - — Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a -hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm -complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I -love you. - — Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of -anniversaries, so I have seniority. - — Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction. - — Ann: What- no! - — Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed. - — Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get -us the waffle iron back? - — Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. -[pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very -wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth -for example. - — Ann: This is why we don't hang out. -% - — Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do -to! I just moved. -% - — Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger. -% - — April: My spirit blood is on your hands. -% - — Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad. - — Ron: No -% - — Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is -like a giant puppy with no shame. -% - — Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as -well lean into it. -% -— Andy: Look, Hogwarts. - — Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know -that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that. -% - — Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that -was a mistake. -% - — Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here? - — Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's -a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops. - — Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher -shops first. -% - — Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the -stench of European socialism. -% - — Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a -disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an -island. In space. -% - — Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me? - — Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast! - — Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old -calculator. It doesn't have a name. -% - — Leslie: Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you -know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer -burn widows for learning arithmetic. -% - — Leslie: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The -Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm -told is a fancy horse riding thing. - — Alonso: It is horse dancing madam! - — Leslie: Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your -saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments! - — April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law! - — Leslie: No! -% - — Leslie: I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new -filing temp... - — Jerry: [walking in] Hey everybody! - — April: NOOOOO!!! - — Tom: Noooo!!! Why!? This can't be happening!! - — Ron: Why Leslie!? -% - — Chris: When we were state auditors we had an amazing system. - — Ben: Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy -and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons! - — Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! - — Ben: You're all fired! - — Chris: Teamwork! -% - — Jerry: When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting -on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because -Pawnee needs me. -% - — April: I'm sorry was your name Jennifer? - — Tynnyfer: No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then -I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some -pills] - — April: ...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's -April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks. - — Tynnyfer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up -where do I get that? - — April: Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona? - — Tynnyfer: I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of -them before. Are they better!? - — April: Winona rocks my world. - — Tynnyfer: Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. -Must. - -[cut to April being interviewed] - - — April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world -with her. -% - — Leslie: Hey this is a surprise! - — Ann: Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear -some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird? - — Leslie: Is everything okay? - — Ann: Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn. - — Leslie: Oh hello! - — Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton. - — Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are -very healthy. - — Leslie: Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because -Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known -occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks. - — Ann: Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk -some more words into Leslie's face. -% - — Leslie: Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, -with your tiny little doll feet. - — Ann: Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm -gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn. - — Leslie: What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew -she was a monster! -% - — Leslie: Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by -treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties? - — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like -totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking -like so much forever! - — Tynnyfer: It's all so delicious! - — April: I know right!? - — Tynnyfer: This is like the best day ever! - — April: I know I'm eating it all up! - — Leslie: Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting -away like a...dying turd flower... - — April: Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut! - — Tynnyfer: And Skank! - — April: How crazmazing is that Les!? -% - — Leslie: Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to -stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy -forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a -garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings! -% - — Donna: Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of -medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too -much of today? - — Craig: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too -much!! AND IT'S INCURABLE!! ...Also, I have eczema. -% - — Leslie: Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your -job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I -think Craig's gonna have to go. - — Donna: No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met -anyone who cares more about this job. - — Leslie: Huh Donna. I'm right here. - — Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose -between him and me, I'd choose him. - — Leslie: What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!? - — Donna: I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in -Seattle, the fiance in Denver... - — Leslie: Huh!? - — Donna: It won't last. -% - — Ann: Okay we need to talk! - — Leslie: I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent -from that new town you might move to!! -% -[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts] - - — Ron: Why are you doing this? - — Leslie: What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally -binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!? - — Ron: You have lost your mind. - — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les. - -[Everyone storms out] - - — Leslie: Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead!! Is that better!?! -% - — Ron: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? - — Eagleton Ron: Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural -plant extract. - — Ron: Shut your damn mouth. - — Eagleton Ron: No need to curse. - — Ron: There most certainly is! -% - — Leslie: Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All -Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally. -% - — Leslie: So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're -not "Ann pretty" but you have potential. - — Evelyn: ...Thank you but I don't work in this department- - — Leslie: Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie. -% -[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers] - - — Leslie: Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then -become familiar best friends. - — Craig: I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo -gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown! - — Leslie: Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys -remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig -said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do -you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably. - -[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie] - - — Ron: This way please. - — Leslie: Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best -friends attack Ron!!! - -[Everyone looks very confused] -% - — Ron: Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!? - — Leslie: I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as -I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!! - — Ron: ... - — Leslie: Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris. - — Ron: Well that's nice. - — Leslie: Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically -hot betrayal!!! -% - — Leslie: We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my -opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark -stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to -do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall -Knope? Don't." - — Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?" - — Leslie: ...Yeah that's a much better idea. - — April: Can I have these question mark stickers? - — Leslie: Why? - — April: I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out] - — Leslie: April no! -% - — Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to -my wife"? - — Ben: It's a complicated legal document. - — Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had -the same will since I was eight years old. - — Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the -man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols? - — Ron: The man who kills me will know. - — Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. -You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer. - — Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, -congressman and doctor. Pass. - — Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if -you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the -government. - — Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of? -% - — Leslie: That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying? - — Donna: Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that -was your thing. - — Leslie: My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making -friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really -cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo! - — Donna: Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about -work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs. -% - — Leslie: I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying? - — Chris: No. - — Leslie: Are you lying? - — Chris: No. - — Leslie: Are you trying to protect my feelings? - — Chris: No. - — Leslie: Do you think I'm being annoying right now? - — Chris: Yes. - — Leslie: So you do think I'm annoying! - — Chris: I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think -that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that -driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of -things. I like cooking. And racquetball! - — Leslie: Now who's annoying? - — Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns -out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall -haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. -#BossBitch." - — Leslie: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet -for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch." - — Chris: It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her -frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like -racquetball, for your mouth. -% - — Leslie: I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one person's -annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are we to -judge? - — Donna: And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things. - — Leslie: I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the -future. - — Donna: And I can't promise that I won't complain about it. - — Leslie: Deal. - -[They shake hands] - - — Leslie: I got you an apology present. - — Donna: Oh? - — Leslie: It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got -the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same -time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you -feel about them individually. - — Donna: Let me take a picture. - — Leslie: Are you tweeting this? - — Donna: Mmmhmm. - — Leslie: What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?" - — Donna: Yeah it's "PsychoBoss." - — Leslie: Well, I don't hate that. -% - — Leslie: I cannot wait to hear your Travolta. - — Jamm: Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're -Zuko. - -[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease] - - — Chris: [To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No -twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty! -% - — Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his -financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for -the land. - — Ron: Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin? - — Donna: I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. -Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi... - — Ron: You're describing a hotel. -% - — Jamm: You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you -when you're gone. - — Leslie: Oh... - — Jamm: You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor. - — Leslie: You want to be Lex Luthor? - — Jamm: Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich. - — Leslie: Well okay. I can't argue with that. -% - — Leslie: Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting! - — Chris: She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the -University of Michigan. Go Blue! - — Leslie: ... - — Chris: It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family. - — Leslie: What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no -"Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! -It's ridiculous! -% - — Jamm: Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going -for but I dig your gambit. - — Leslie: There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the -way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool. - — Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice -very grating. - — Leslie: I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home. -% -[After making a deal with Jamm] - - — Jamm: Deal guys. You must really want that park. - — Leslie: I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best -friend. [talking about Ann] - — Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too. - — Leslie: ... -% - — Leslie: Are you sure you're okay with what you did? - — Chris: Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on -the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope. - — Leslie: Mmmhmmm - — Chris: And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away. - — Leslie: Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening. -% - — Ben: Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city -counselor so everyone be extra supportive. - — Ron: Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind -nod. - — Ben: ...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on -her last day. Any ideas? - — Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay -away from wine! Wine is crying juice. - — Larry: Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really -want more than anything in the world? - — Ben: ...A nice candle! I'm screwed. -% - — Leslie: Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone -through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat -adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the -episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it -that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now. -% -[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein] - - — Dr. Saperstein: So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus -I've ever seen. This could be a superhero! - — Chris: Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you -destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!!! - — Ann: We love you! - — Dr. Saperstein: I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex? - — Chris: Oh my God! Should we? - — Ann: No, right? Or maybe yes? - — Chris: Is there an option other than yes or no? - — Dr. Saperstein: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. -Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila! - — Ann: That'll be fun! - — Chris: It's like the Oscars! - — Ann: Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait -no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great! - — Chris: ... -% -[Ann and Chris are having lunch] - - — Chris: I would be thrilled if we have a girl! - — Ann: Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it! - — Chris: And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily... - — Ann: Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! -[To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you -don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your -face into the deep fryer!! - -[The waitress starts nervously walking away] - - — Chris: And also two waters please but no hurry. - — Ann: Thank you! -% -[reading Dr. Saperstein's note] - - — Chris: We are having a...distributions. - — Ann: ... - — Chris: That's what it looks like. "Distributions." - — Ann: Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says "I -Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf? - — Chris: We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet." - — Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation!! The suspense is -killing me!! - — Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein. - — Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I -hope so. -% - — Leslie: Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a -big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City -Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now. - — Everyone: ... - — Leslie: Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's -happening? Right? - — Tom: Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the -worst. - — Leslie: April? - — April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned -into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it. - — Leslie: Andy? - — Andy: I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go -through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three -days. - — Leslie: Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words -carry great influence so what do you think I should do? - — Ron: I do not think that you should run again. - — Leslie: What the Hell do you know dum dum!!? -% - — Jennifer: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting? - — Leslie: Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family? - — Jennifer: Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of -that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband? - — Leslie: ...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk. -% - — Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. -But why would you want to? - — Leslie: Because it's my dream job. - — Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by -monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at -a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in -the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and -confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for -kicks. - — Leslie: Is that what you did? - — Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee -has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got -name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a -thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are -doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you -to lie. -% - — Jennifer: Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're -gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars. - — Leslie: Uh...I just need to... - — Jennifer: I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me -$1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you -Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move -this back? Don't answer it! -% - — Leslie: Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower. - — Ron: Dear God woman! - — Leslie: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my -personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like -an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I -have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller. - — Ron: We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner] - — Leslie: Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. - -[Leslie spots baby John in the corner] - - — Leslie: [Gasps] Oh my God whose baby is that!? - — Ron: That would be mine. - — Leslie: Guys get in here!! Ron has a baby!! - — Andy: Oh Ron. Cool baby. - — Ron: Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, -John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing -multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of -silence. Please keep your voices down. - — Leslie: How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, -and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!! - — Ron: Why would you need to know something like that? - — Leslie: [pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent -Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift -yet! - — April: Should we do something? - — Ron: Just let her tire herself out. - — Larry: If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know. - — Ron: Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet -store and pick up some fish food for me? - — Leslie: WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!? -% - — April: Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the -graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs" - — Leslie: I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the -worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle -giving the middle finger. - — Andy:Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it. -% - — Leslie: A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it -is time to tear down this wall! - -[Applause from crowd] - - — Leslie: In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the -first strike. Take it away guys! - -[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall] - - — Leslie: It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the -hole] BEES!! BEES!! NOBODY PANIC!! - -[Everyone starts screaming and running away as the bees start stinging people] - - — Craig: [running away] OHHH NOOO!!! - — Random Citizen: AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!! - — Jamm: [filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid -Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight -to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK!! FUCK!! - — Andy: [shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung -once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing! -% - — Reporter: Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were -from Eagleton. How did you pull that off? - — Leslie: I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest -to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing -at the Eagletonians. - — Reporter: How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take -to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton? - — Leslie: They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a -prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should -treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their -walls for bees! - — Reporter: Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there! - — Leslie: Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out] - — Reporter: What else can you do with your bees!? - — Reporter: Leslie what's your next prank!? -% - — Larry: Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks -Service. - — Leslie: I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! -Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee -hole disaster! - — Larry: Okey dokey. - — Leslie: Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my -bee hole. -% - — Leslie: I am so incredibly sorry. - — Eagletonian: That's very kind of you Miss Knope. - — Leslie: I hope you look a lot less gross very soon. -% - — Jamm: Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go -there for me? Some dirty mags? - — Leslie: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who -got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain! - — Jamm: Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang. -% - — Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live -ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving -cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims. - — Leslie: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came -here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung. - — Mike Patterson: Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, -known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm. - — Jamm: Excuse me Mike, that's best friend. - — Leslie: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and -bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who! - — Jamm: Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from -Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!? - — Leslie: Mine! It was my idea! - — Mike Patterson: You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie -Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. -And I for one am sick of it. -% - — Leslie: The point is, will you go to Prom with me? - — Ben: Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of -course I will. - — Leslie: Yay!!! Prom!!! -% - — Leslie: Tom, you're in charge of music. - — Ben: Aww man. Well alright. - — Leslie: Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little -puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws. - — Donna: Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you -two. Ya'll are an official warning. -% - — Leslie: Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were -discontinued. - — Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels. - — Leslie: Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business! - — Allison: They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca. - — Ben: ...What is happening right now? -% - — April: Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live -together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine. - — Larry: What does laked mean? - — Andy: I tried to jump it over a lake!! Why don't you stay out of our -conversations Larry!! - — Larry: Will do! [chuckles and walks off] -% - — Leslie: We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April -Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I -don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program. -% - — Ron: What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of -freedom? - — Allison: ... - — Leslie: That's what he calls City Hall. - — Allison: Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was -thinking about taking it. - — Ron: [laughing] Oh no no no no!! No! I respect your father too much to let -his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job -for the summer? - — Leslie: Why don't you shut your mustache!!? - — Allison & Ron: ... - — Leslie: Sorry. -% - — Ben: My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the house -without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living room...I -think I'm still messed up from it. -% - — Leslie: [in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I -will defeat you! Mark my words! - — Ron: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships. -% - — Ron: I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we -slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at -the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown -it. -% - — Andy: Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an -eagle's poetry. - — April: Andy. I hate teenagers! - — Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's -like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. -Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I -watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good -movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance? -% - — Leslie: So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a -little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm -handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion. - — Allison: So just...pull the rope. - — Leslie: That's right! -% - — Donna: I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. Like -I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Dukes to the final -four. - — April: I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a -good time. - -[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time] - - — April: How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves? - — Donna: That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the -most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be -direct. - -[guy walks up to Donna] - - — Guy: Hey girl. Are you ready to go? - — Donna: I feel like I told you to wait in the car. - — Guy: ...Yeah. [walks off] - — Donna: See? Be direct. -% - — Ron: Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your -awkward, close quarters gyrating. - -[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage] - - — Leslie: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection -please!! -% - — Girl: Where'd you get that dress? - — April: I was buried in it. - — Girl: ... [awkwardly walks away] -% - — Ben: You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me. - — Tom: Yeah. You're old as shit!! Thanks Ben. - — Ben: Glad I could help. -% - — Allison: Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend. - -[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison] - - — Leslie: [shocked] ...Greg Pikitis? - — Greg: What up Knope!? - — Leslie: Hello Gregory. - — Allison: You guys know each other? - — Leslie: You might say that. - — Greg: Come on baby, let's get out of here. - -[Greg and Allison walk away] - - — Ron: It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right? - — Leslie: Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible -judgement. - -[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling -her dress to a tablecloth] - - — Leslie: PIKITIS!! -% - — Leslie: It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work -to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our -poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's -history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant -"ethically reprehensible." -% - — Leslie: Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! -People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry. - -[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk] - - — Larry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home? - — Leslie: The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail. -% - — April: April Ludgate, professional drinker. - — Woman: Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate? - — April: The Wine...Academy. - — Woman: The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!? - — April: Yes! - — Woman: Carol. Make sure she's in Group A. - — Craig: Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know -everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and -this is my debit rewards card! -% - — Andy: I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the -candy isles but won't get any. - — Leslie: You can buy two candies. - — Andy: TWO!? [runs off] - — Pharmacist: Can I help you? - — Leslie: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, -it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good -stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff. -% -[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel] - - — Craig: Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly -pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!! - — April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and -just a hint of a robot's bathwater. - — Craig: It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace -beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night -sky is full of stars!! - — April: This comes from...your mother's butt. -% - — Chip McCapp: Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!!? And stack em -for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid! - — Chip's Dad/Manager: You got it Chip! - — Chip McCapp: Ugh my dad is such an idiot. - — Andy & Leslie: ... -% - — Chip's Dad/Manager: Here you go Chip. - — Chip McCapp: Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey!! You -dick!! I want ham!! - — Chip's Dad/Manager: Sorry son they were out of ham. - — Chip McCapp: Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then? - -[throws plate at his Dad] - - — Chip McCapp: Pick em up skip. - — Andy: [whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks -that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that! - — Leslie: [whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him. - — Chip McCapp: Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!! - — Chip's Dad/Manager: Anticipating Chip! -% - — Official: Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of -a Sommelier Certificate. - — April: Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so -much everyone!! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you -spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid. - — Official: Security! - -[security begins to escort April out] - - — April: I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh -Pluto Nash. All the Klumps... -% - — Eagleton Ron: Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine -evening? - — Ron: Motherfucker! - — Ben: Whoa where'd you come from? - — Eagleton Ron: Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether -your conception of time is linear or circular. - — Ben: ...What? - — Eagleton Ron: Hello Ron. - — Ben: Ron, you know this hobo? - — Eagleton Ron: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department. - — Ben: Dude, are you a ghost? - — Eagleton Ron: Am I? - — Ben: ...What is happening right now!?! -% - — Leslie: You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and -you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms!! -...That make us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go -Andy! -% - — Tom: Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd -have to show me you can bring it down a notch. - — Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!!! -% - — Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho? - — Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine. -% -[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig] - - — Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight? - — Tom: Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red. - — Craig: You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with -your fish. - — Donna: No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine. - — April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a -glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around -please. - — Craig: ...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out] - — Tom: Seems to be keeping it together - — Craig: [from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I -KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!!! - -[Craig comes back with the wine] - - — Craig: For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring -out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which -should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would -you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white. - — Tom: Thanks very much! - — Craig: Enjoy. [walks out] - — Tom: I think I might have found my new sommelier. - — Craig: [from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!! - — Tom: I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof. -% - — Ben: So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items. - — April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar. - — Leslie: That's great April! How'd you do that!? - — April: It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing -Anthony Kiedis. -% - — Leslie: We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity -concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The -Stream with a Sacajawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, -microphones, water, that boring stuff too. -% - — Andy: I am not good at keeping secrets!! That's exactly what I told Kyle -when he told me his wife was cheating on him. - — Kyle: ANDY! COME ON!! - — Andy: Ah!! See! - — Kyle: Not cool man!! - — Andy: Not him! Not that Kyle! -% - — Donna: You wanted to see me? - — Ron: Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor. - — Donna: WHAT!??! Ron Swanson asking for help!? - — Ron: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!!! -% -[Leslie is getting an ultrasound] - - — Dr. Saperstein: Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's -your healthy baby! - — Leslie: Oh wow. - — Dr. Saperstein: Oh! And there's another one! - — Ben: The baby has two bodies? - — Leslie: Twins! Ben we're having twins! - — Dr. Saperstein : No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here. - — Leslie: ...Triplets!? Triplets!? - — Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of -cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a -bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare! - — Ben: Triplets... - — Leslie: Triplets... -% - — Leslie: I can't believe it!! We knocked it out of the park on the first -try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court! - — Ben: This is insane. - — Leslie: This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we -got the proof! - — Dr. Saperstein: Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more -frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to -releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean -to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale." -% - — Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all -our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot -higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to -RELAX?! - -[Leslie enters] - - — Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? - — Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love -you. - -[Leslie exits] - - — Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed. -% - — Andy: Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying. - — April: Lie. - — Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has. - — April: ... - — Andy: Leslie is dying- - — April: No. - — Andy: They're both dying. - — April: No! - — Andy: I'm dying. - — April: ... - — Andy: Chris and Ann are moving. - — April: They already moved. - — Andy: They are moving again to China...town in France. - — April: No! - — Andy: Okay! Fine do you really wanna know? - — April: Yes! - — Andy: Leslie. Is. A spy. - — April: No. - — Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt. - — April: Oh my God. -% - — Leslie: Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert -right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who -just hit triple cherries in her uterus. - — Ben: We're screwed. -% - — Ben: Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars! - — Leslie: Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of -my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like -To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time. -% - — April: Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret -anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but -if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you. - — Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to -keep my word. - -[April shrugs] - - — Andy: But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell -you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready? - — April: Okay! - -[Leslie & Ben walk in] - - — Leslie: Everybody if you could gather around! - — Andy: [pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!! -% - — Ben: You're ready? - — Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before. -% -— Jamm: Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted. - — Leslie: Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact -with you again. - — Jamm: I missed you too. -% - — Leslie: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all -the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust -my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel -vision about achieving my goals. -% -[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee] - - — Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to -apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, -we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los -Angeles not a wine. - — Joan: Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing? - — Ben: No because he's been famously dead for 60 years. - — Joan: WHAT!? -% - — Tom: Round of drinks for everyone on the house!! - — Andy: Yeah!! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. -And a spaghetti to go. On the house!! -% - — Joan: [Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham... - — Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman. -% - — Ron: How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience -with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and -land. - — Leslie: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!! -% - — Leslie: I didn't even get a chance to say my plan! - — Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan? - — Leslie: Please don't say Hitler- - — Jamm: Adolf Hitler! -% - — Leslie: Ron! What did you do!? - — Ron: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote. - — Leslie: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away -from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and -Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!! -% - — Leslie: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you -have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that. - — Jamm: Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat -steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest. - — Leslie: I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems -like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You -love Porschs and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card. - — Jamm: Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know -it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly -sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right! - -[Jamm breaks down crying] - - — Jamm: Oh God! - — Leslie: Oh boy... - — Jamm: Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought -so! - — Leslie: Well... - — Jamm: [Crying] Oh God! Oh God! - — Leslie: Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken -you! You need to get away from her! - -[Jamm pulls some of his hair out] - - — Jamm: Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!! - -[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically] -% - — Leslie: Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can -resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] -Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you -say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh? - — Jamm: [whispering] Do it! - — Ron: There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the -pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! -% - — Leslie: [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've -got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get -gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder] - — Ron: This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! -% -[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two] - - — Tammy Two: Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies? - — Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up. - — Tammy Two: Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to -you? - — Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the -steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper. - — Tammy Two: [In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby! - — Leslie: We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do? - — Jamm: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY! - — Leslie: Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible... -% - — Jamm: It's over Tammy. - — Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we -consummate our relationship tonight!? - -[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of -the library] - - — Tammy Two: Huh? Let's do it! - — Ron: Oh ho ho and the last card is played! - — Leslie: What are you doing!? - — Random Lady: Shhh! This is a library! - — Leslie: Do you see what's happening here!?! -% - — Jamm: Ron I need that crotch blinder! - — Ron: No you don't! Just end it! - — Tammy Two: Look at my boobs. - — Jamm: No! - — Tammy Two: Look downstairs. - — Jamm: No! - — Tammy Two: There's a prize inside for you. - — Jamm: It's over Tammy. - — Tammy Two: What!? - — Jamm: To Hell with you woman. Goodbye! - -[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over -bookshelves] - - — Tammy Two: HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK!! THEY ALL -COME BACK!! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!! - — Ron: Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all -along. - — Tammy Two: COME ON EVERYBODY!! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!! -% -[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until -they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why -Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.] - - — Leslie: Ron, what are you doing? - — Ron: I know I saw it. Aha! - -[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.] - - — Ron: Detonator... - -[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the -Parks Department.] - - — Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago... - -[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore -in front of it.] - - — Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out -of here! - — Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second... - — Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the -right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and -walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution! - — Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that... - — Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE! - -[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases -confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."] - - — Leslie: Ooh! - -[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.] - - — Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks -Director. - — Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially -defused claymore mine. - — Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I -filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such. - — Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years? - — Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on -your desk? -% - — Ron: You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you. - — Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there -is. - — Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had -become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good -to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, -Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. -So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision. - -[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office] - - — Leslie: Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson? - — Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry. - — Larry: Uh, it's Terry now. - — Ron: OK. As luck would have it- - -[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate] - - — Leslie: Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the -northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting -forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, -this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug? - — Ron: Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. -Tomorrow? - — Leslie: I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30. - — Ron: Excellent. See ya then. - — Leslie: OK! - — April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in -Washington to prep. - — Leslie: Oh my God, really? - — April: Yep. - — Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, -meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey -babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids? - -[cuts back to 2017] - - — Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch. - — Ron: You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure -out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic. - — Leslie: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes -silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have -lunch. Ron, you were going-? - — Ron: I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just -saying it out loud feels dirty. - — Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third -floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have -been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have -been a better friend to you. - — Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence -that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I -love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside... - — Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful. - — Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like -explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we -had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar -development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had -a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I -looked around this office, nothing was the same. - — Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that. - -[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, -and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there] -% - — Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? - — Leslie: People are idiots, Ron. -% - — Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago -when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a -fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical -Waste Butt-Sweat Grove. -% - — Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but -planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, -vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig. -% - — Donna: The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My -cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote -her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended -at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an -international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that -flatware. -% - — Leslie: Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going -to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you. - — Roz: Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're -gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds?! [the kids -run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!!? - — Leslie: [to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're -tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children. - — Ben: Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you. - — Leslie: I love you more than Ben. - — Ben: ... - — Leslie: I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But -if you left me...I would never recover. - — Roz: [touched] Thanks. That helps. -% - — Ben: Things aren't that chaotic. - — Roz: [running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke -everything you own! - -[loud crash in the background] - - — Roz: I don't know what that was. -% - — Gayle: Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is -giving his lady friend a gift. - — Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day. - — Gayle: Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you! - — Jerry: Oh sweetie!! - — Ron: Control yourselves Gergichs!!! -% -[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by] - - — Jen: Whoa! What was that!!? That was huge!! -% - — Roz: Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of -Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at. - — Jen: I mean this is chaos. -% - — Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but -seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like -"Nicey-Meany." - — April: Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were -arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970. -% - — Andy: Here are all the troublemakers boss. - — April: Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no -more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop -making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit!! -And Ginuwine... - — Ginuwine: ...Yes? - — April: Get it together! - — Ginuwine: [crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this. - — April: [mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!! -% - — Leslie: Babe you are killing it! - — Ben: I am right!? - — Leslie: Yes!! - — Ben: Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also -I have a little secret, I'm drunk! - — Leslie: I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip of -wine! - — Ben: I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent. -% - — Ben: [drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here -to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the -bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and -your just like "What!? It's you!! I love you!! You're my sexy roommate!! We -love each other!!" - — Leslie: Wooo!! He's talkin about me!! - — Ben: Yes I am baby doll!! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are -great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing -going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!! - -[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing] - - — April: You want me to shut that down? - — Donna: No I liked it. Let the little man dance. -% - — Ben: Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we? - — Leslie: Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times. -% - — Jen: You left me four messages last night. - — Ben: What? - — Jen: They contain very specific policy positions. - -[Jen holds up her phone] - - — Ben: [over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack hard -into fiscal responsibility! - — Ben: Oh God... - — Leslie: [over phone] 867-5309!!! - — Jen: I love that song. - — Leslie: [over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!!! - — Leslie: Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was. - — Jen: Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna -fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time. -% - — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!! - — Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet. - — Leslie: [crying] But you're gonna be very soon! - — Donna: Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie but -on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. Ya'll -inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle. - -[Michelle walks up] - - — Donna: Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost -touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never -gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this -wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were -never gonna walk again so this should be easy right? - — Leslie: Wow what a complicated tapestry that is! -% - — Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are -finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed. -% - — Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged -brother, Levandrious!! - -[gasps from the crowd] - - — Levandrious: What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your -wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago. - — Donna: What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!! - — Levandrious: Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident. - — Donna: Yeah! - — Levandrious: Don't worry. I brought it back. - -[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground] - - — Levandrious: Now no-one gets any popcorn! - -[Donna looks at April and smiles] -% - — Leslie: What did I do wrong now? - — Elise Yartkin: No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your -speech. - — Leslie: Really!? - — Elise Yartkin: But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie a -platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this -year's IOW Woman of the Year. - — Leslie: Son of a bitch!! -% - — Ron: [In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your -construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. -% -[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just -had a library named after her.] - - — Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library? -% -[The series' last lines] - - — Ben: You ready, babe? - — Leslie: Yes. I'm ready. -% |