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diff --git a/parks-and-recreation.4-7 b/parks-and-recreation.4-7 new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..40492f9076e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/parks-and-recreation.4-7 @@ -0,0 +1,3234 @@ +[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her] + + — Ron: Knope, follow me. + — Leslie: Just one second. + — Ron: NOW. + +[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway] + + — Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going +on? + — Ron: My ex-wife is back. + +[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand] + + — Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard. + — Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One. + +[Leslie gasps] + + — Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of +them. While I'm gone, you're in charge. + +[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and +retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct] + + — Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, +or it will begin to smell. Godspeed. + +[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.] + +% + — Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just +said about this situation. +% + — Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever +seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was +distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen. +% + — Ron: Hello Tammy. + — Tammy One: Ronald. + — Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want? + — Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust? + — Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives. + — Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald. + — Ron: I don't care. + — Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling? + — Ron: ... + — Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for +all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep... + — Ron: I don't need your help. + — Tammy One: Wrong. You do. As your so fond of saying, "It's a Free +County." Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail. +% + — Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron. +Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail. + — Ron: Are you broken? +% + — Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. +My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy. +% + — Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist? + — Model: I guess. I don't really know. + — Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you? + — Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical. + — Ben: ... + +[cut to Ben being interviewd] + + — Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence! +% +[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent] + + — Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am +Leslie Knope, Deputy- + — Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again +while I'm here. + +[Leslie awkwardly sits down] + +% + — Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! +This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. +We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your +accounts. And your home. + — Ron: ...Is that necessary? + — Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid? + — Everyone: ... + — Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name? + — Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski... + — Tammy One: Really? + — Andy: No...Andy Dwyer. + — Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to +put it in my car. Ms. Knope! + — Leslie: Yes!? + — Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's +workplace expense reports. + — Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because +Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle +royale. It's super fun- + — Tammy One Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will +remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in +Terre Haute. + — Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll. + — Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger. + — Leslie: Yes ma'am... +% +[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully] + + — Ron: Good morning everyone! + — Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] +Ron!! Your mustache fell off!! + — Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked +better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is +very unsanitary. + — Leslie: What? + — Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy? + — Jerry: ...What? + — Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one? + — Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she +converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers. + — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help? + — Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense. +% + — Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm +not quite sure how to phrase them. + — Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between +you and me. Right my love? + — Tammy One: Stop fidgeting. + — Ron: Sorry. + — Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone. + — Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na. + — Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool. + — Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and +you need to go. + — Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom? + — Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands! + +[Ron gets up and leaves] + + — Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real? + — Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I +want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future +was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold... + — Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger! +% + — Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat +Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense. + — Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to +Andy] Who's this tall drink of water? + — Andy: Andy... + — Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging? + — Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move +your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat? + — Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch +is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot. + — April: Eww! + — Andy: Could we take a peek at it? + — Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can +pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of +acid. + — Leslie Oh my God! + — Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron. + — April: Andy... + — Leslie: Don't joke around. + — Andy: I...have ideas too... +% +[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom] + + — Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!! + — Leslie: Why do you have so many guns? + — Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it? + — Leslie: Yes... + — Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing +on my own property! Let's go! + — April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom. +% + — Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this. + — Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off. + +[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol] + + — April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel! + — Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever +grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed +boats. + — Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to +the farm for good. + — Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal! + — Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty. + — Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and +if I win, Ron stays here with us. + — Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the +mules! + +[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor] + + — Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake! +% +[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine] + + — Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough? + — Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close! + — Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close... + — Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this. + — Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy. +% +[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor] + + — Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! + — Ron: She's had enough. Call it off. + — Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out. + — April: Wait, I'm subbing in. + — Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail. + — April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. + +[April takes a swig of the liquor] + + — April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD! + — Ron: Okay! This ends now! + +[Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement] + + — Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're +going back to Hell. + — Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground +safe. I stole half your gold. + — Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe +buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all. + — Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be +there the minute you die. + +[Tammy One Walks Out] + + — Leslie: Ron...your family's weird... +% + — Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts." I'm Derry Murbles, +filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration +patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. +% + — Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote +it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make +it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we +removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and +here it is! +% + — Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting +of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted? + — Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one? +% + — Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like you +phones? + — April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life. +% + — Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to +tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism. + — Joan: In what way? + — Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face. + — Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born? + — Leslie: Pawnee!! + — Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly! + +[music starts and dancers come out] + + — Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!! +% + — Ann I could leave. I could but I'm not going to. I'm will get my one +minute of small talk dammit!! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE. +% + — Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need +to know the truth about where you were born. + — Leslie: Okay. Well- + — Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many +of you were actually born in Pawnee? + +[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand] + + — Chris: ..Fair enough. + — Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here. + — Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate? + — Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me- + — Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you +came from!! + — Leslie: I am back from where I came from!! + — Man: That sentence was confusing!!! You might as well be from China!!! +% + — Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should +model. + — Ben: ...That never happened. + — Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know +he's the luckiest man in the world? + — Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing. + — Tom: Oh... + — Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual +appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches. + — Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor... +% + — Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other +things... if you know what I mean. + — Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina? +% + — Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with +April. + +[cut to Ann trying to talk to April] + + — Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering +if you could recommend anything. + — April: ...The internet. + — Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it? + — April: Prison. + — Ann: How's your sister doing? + — April: She has the shingles. + — Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City? + — April: Alf. + +[cut back to Ann being interviewed] + + — Ann: And nine seconds with Ron. + +[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron] + + — Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring +with you? + — Ron: Silence... + — Ann: ... +% + — Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek. + — Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same +alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that +it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just +say the message boards are going nuts. + +[pause] + + — Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home +and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] +at the same time. +% + — Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort +probably. +% + — Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video +games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me +and Mother Nature. + — Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call +me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call. + — Ron: Thank you Andy. + — Andy: Brother Nature. +% + — Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle." + +[applause] + + — Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!" + — Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that. + — Leslie: I'll say! +% + — Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The +answer is mine. Say mine is better. + — Ron: It's not a competition. + — Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept +girls out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! +My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors! + — Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie! + — Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle +Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my +haird... +% + — Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones? + — Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel +Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, +they're telling human stories in a fantasy world. +% + — Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured +craft time? Lauren? + — Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein! + +[applause] + + — Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow +that. Ann? + — Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they +kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters. + — Everyone: ... + — Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws +dolls in the fire] + — Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important. +% + — Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we +treat ourselves to? + — Donna: Clothes. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Fragrances. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Massages. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Mimosas. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods. + — Tom: Treat Yo Self! + — Donna: It's the best day of the year. + — Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year! +% + — Ron: You are defecting? + — Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and +eat beans. + — Ron: Those beans were a reward. +% + — Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your +back and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base. +% + — Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by +proving that we were better than them! + — Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better +solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum! + — Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren. + — Lauren: What was that? + — Leslie: I said great idea Lauren! +% + — Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie +Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30. +% + — Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's +expensive and there's no use for it. + — Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self. + — Ben: ... + — Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a +cashmere, velvet candy cane. + — Donna: Treat Yo Self! + — Ben: ...This is insane. +% +[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume] + + — Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd! + — Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing? + — Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. +You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes +you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? +You're gonna Treat Yourself! + — Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. +Thanks you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself! + — Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying. +% + — Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun? +% + — Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the +water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I +Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little +boys be super into me...that came out wrong. +% + — Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often +suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with +business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: +Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor. + — Tom: Oh my God! + — Leslie: I'm not going to use that. +% + — Ben: I take it we're having a party? + — Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry. + — Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have +an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. + — Andy: That's a good point. +% + — Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of +problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint +at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced. +% + — Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman. + — Donna: Yup. You're a regular- + — Chris: -Sherlock Holmes!! I solved that mystery before you did. + — Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away] +% + — Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year? + — Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your +bathroom faucet is leaking? + — Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What +else do they want me to do? + — Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well. + — Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and +you touch the wire, YOU DIE!!! + — Ron: ...Yes that is accurate. +% + — Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. +If you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say +without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick. +% + — Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and +Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says +sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans. +% +[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners] + + — Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private +citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments. + — Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads. + — Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya. + +[Tanya looks insulted] + + — Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand +behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I +have a lot of support in the community for that. + +[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly] + +% + — Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I +think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad. +% + — Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor! + — Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're +all good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech? + — Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs +and sit on your own face!? +% +[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house] + + — Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on? + — Ron: I know more than you. + — Lowe's Employee: ...Alright. +% + — Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and +what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not +referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many +businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount +Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile +Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... Smooth Operator Bikini +Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan... +% +[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink] + + — Ann: Oh my God! We made it work! + — Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I +just love it so much. +% + — Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you. + — Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room. + — Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm +gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature. + +[starts beating up Ben] + +% +[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink] + + — Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench. + — Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a +triple three bolt smack. + — Ron: That was nonsense. + — Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that! + — Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it. + — Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron. +% + — Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, +good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person. +% + — Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along +with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a +company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you. +% + — Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] +business. +% + — Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland? + — Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so. + — Leslie: OK, how about Japan? + — Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? +They've never been the bad guys. +% + — Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie! + — Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick +in front of your weeping mother! + — Ben: ...Good Lord. +% + — Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time +in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't +actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy. +% + — Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and +now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean? + — Ann: I think you know what it means. + — Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long +as possible so Ben and I can keep working together. + — Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant. + — Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and +then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I +will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann. + — Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes... + — Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful +pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently +support me on this gameplan. + — Ann: Leslie... + — Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann... + — Ann: Leslie... + — Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit +endorsement of all my behaviors. +% + — Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel +mill. He didn't think I should go to college. +% + — Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing? + — Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought +it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as +a joke to shut me up. + — Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that? + — Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt. +% + — Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links +Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking? + — Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively +prove... + — Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will +fire you and have you prosecuted. + — Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut +me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! +Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay! +% + — Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city +council again, Leslie. With our help. + — April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media. + — Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach. + — Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator. + — Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be. + — Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz. + — Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I +was supposed to come up with something. I... + — Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need. + — Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on +hold. + — Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on +hold. + — Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an +election! +% + — Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein. + — Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much! + — Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle. + — Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney? + — Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, +correct? + — Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume +might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking +about. Don't know what QuickBooks are. + — Barney: You don't have any accounting experience? + — Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an +accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often? + — Nancy: To my job? + — Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it. + — Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the +spreadsheets? + — Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back +to my place and I will rock your— + — Barney: You're fired! + — Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in? +% + — Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political +campaign. + — Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and +you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare +hands! + — Ann: No I haven't. + — Leslie: You haven't!? + — Ann: No! + — Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse. +% + — Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes +and say yes. + — Ann: Okay yes! + — Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann. + — Ann: Thank you. + — Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing +like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again. + — Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago. + — April: Wow you're doing a really bad job. +% + — Leslie: William, Elizabeth! + — William: Leslie, hi. + — Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that +I'm relaunching my campaign? + — William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been +meeting with other potential candidates for City Council. + — Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find +someone else and run theirs? + — Elizabeth: Yes that's our job. + — Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new +advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers. + — Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke +everything. + — Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in. + — William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly. + +[William and Elizabeth start walking away] + + — Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're +relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone. +% + — Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign +managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional +assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was +way better in my head. +% +[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion] + + — Ben: That is a three-legged dog. + — Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion. + — Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog +have when you found him? + — Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs +than most dogs can do with four. + — April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging. + — Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the +house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and +Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever. + — Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death. + — Andy: Yes! + — Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you. + — April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, +Andy and I have jobs. + — Ben: ...Cruel but fair. +% + — Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager. + — Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that +they wear a lot of dark colors. + — Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked +guys Ann. + — Ann: ...What? +% + — Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone? + — April: Here sit on my lap. + — Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap? + — Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it. + — Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap. + — Tom: Yes sir. +% + — Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you +wanna do. + — Pistol Pete: Okay. + — Leslie: I think you wanna dunk. + — Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball. + — Ann: What about a layup? +% + — Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years +old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what +laws are we breaking exactly? + — Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a +seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. +The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a +commercial license to drive a truck. + — Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what +constitutes a law. +% + — Leslie: Glenn you're killing me. + — Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried +to get that gimp dog to bite me. + — Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and +I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and +do what comes naturally. + — Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate... +% + — Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming? + — Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the +biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage] + — Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What +happened to the rest of my face!? + — Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause +windows are the eyes to the house. +% + — Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that +you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here. + — Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that +term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there! + — Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?! + — April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry? +% + — Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as +a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem. +% + — Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always +been proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here +when they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that +was something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a +disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I +can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will +be interesting! +% + — Leslie: Ann you're fired. + — Ann: Oh thank God. +% + — Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the +town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in +the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections. +% + — Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is +wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business. + — Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects. + — John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam? + — Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day. + — John: Where will all the water go? + — Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never +happening and your dream has been crushed. + — Chris: We're very sorry. + — Ron: I am not. Good meeting. +% + — Jerry: Is everybody feeling good? + — April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls +to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse. +% + — Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. +Anything more and this becomes figure skating. +% + — Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared. +% + — Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. +[laughs] She's weird. +% + — Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love. + — Ann: What did you say something? + — Leslie: Love you! +% + — Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. + — Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron. + — Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. +% + — Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in +her? + — Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything. + — Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. + — Leslie: Silence. + — Jerry: ...I don't think she does- + — Tom: Would she like some!? +% + — Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz. + — Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I +don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound. +% + — Andy: Aww cool cryptex!! Can I have it!? + — Ben: Hey! No, no you can't! + — Andy: Where'd you get it!? + — Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is? + — Andy: I know what things are. + — Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in +here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third +date. + — Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?' + — Ben: ...That's a four letter word. + — Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'? + — Ben: I really don't think it's that. + — Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the +second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know. + +[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office] + + — Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open. + — Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?' + — Andy: Ha! + — Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?! + — Andy: Just smart people. + — Ron: I think I might be able to help you. + — Andy: Told ya! + +[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex] + +% +[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man] + + — Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann! + — Leslie: Jerry! Well done! + — Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual +Fun." Enrico here responded right away! + — Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay? + — Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude. + — Tom: You hired a male escort. + — Jerry: A what? + — Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here. + — Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God... +% + — Leslie: How are you? + — Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's +dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be! + — Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and +you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to +'Single Ladies' by yourself? + — Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you? + — Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink! +% + — Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like +the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself. + — Chris: It is. + — Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you +rebound!? + — Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. +Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry] + — Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that! +% + — Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this +town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department. + — Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say. + — Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives? + — Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too. + — Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna +make a decision... + — Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at +O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an +answer. Weirdo can come, too. + — Ben: Alright. + — Leslie: Let's go. + — Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say... + — Leslie: Don't. + — Ben: ...that the boys in blue... + — Leslie: Stop. + — Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it +comes........9/11. + — Leslie: And we're walking. + — Ben: OK. +% + — Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, +involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I +relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is +southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement +at that time. +% + — Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people. +% + — Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. +% + — Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee +seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying." +% + — Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves +to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I +slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious. +% + — Donna: Do I look like I drink water? +% + — Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho +means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other +implications as well. So those are a maybe. +% + — April: Why are you here eating alone? + — Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. +And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no +arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel. + — April: That's impossible. + — Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story. +% + — Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my +campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's +me. +% + — Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in +that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat +the whole thing. +% + — Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make +anything sound positive. + — Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock +market. + — Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is +measured by the amount of love in your life. +% + — Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want +it to be me. +% + — Leslie: Is the menu all set? + — Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson +ribs. + — April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances! + — Andy: Sweet! + — Leslie: No! +% + — Donor: So you do a lot of investing? + — Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage +sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine +glass and stares at it] The economy. +% + — Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you +ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us +more money. That is all. Ron Swanson. +% + — Leslie: Do it!! Fierce!! Power!! Pump it up!! 2012!! Nothing gets me more +amped than Sarah McLachlan! +% +[Candidates are giving their opening statements] + + — Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells +you your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium. + — Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! + — Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending +machines. + — Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know +about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year +alone. + — Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! + — Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to +be the only woman in a room full of men. + — Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as +important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my +own children. +% + — Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people +do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is +having sex with men and women on camera. + — Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same +person. +% + — Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as +Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been There, Done That. April is Currently Doing +That. Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream. Chris, code name: If I Had To +Pick A Dude. Ben is Eagle Two. + — Ben: Oh thank God. +% + — Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell +you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel +the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate +this city's libraries!! + +[Applause and cheers from the crowd] + +% + — Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day +all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon. +% + — Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go +down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and +then BAM, I start crying. +% + — Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?! + — Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop +campaigning. We stop, we lose! + — Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said. + — Ann: I'm not gonna beat him. + — Leslie: Not with that attitude! + — Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to +Bobby in person. + — Leslie: April? + — April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann! + — Leslie: Andy? + — Andy: If..I..If...The guy... + — Leslie: Okay! +% + — Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. +If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. +Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with +huge cans. + — Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to now about it. +% + — Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and +published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions? + — Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call +Mr. Newport a jerk? + — Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need +to be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not +calling Nick Newport Hitler. + — Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call +"Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family +you'd like to attack? + — Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of +some kind? + — Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody. + — Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river? +% +[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes] + + — Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!! + — Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on? + +[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck] + + — Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me! + — Tom: Am I dead? + — Bill: WHAT THE HELL!? + — Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me. + — Bill: That is not what happened. + — Donna: I got witnesses. + — Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man. + — Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred." + — Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole. + — Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals. + — Bill: GAH!!! +% + — Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis +to everyone and you've come here to pie him! + — Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming! + — Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I +would love nothing- + +[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face] + + — Andy: Aww Fuck Ben!! Sorry!! + +[Police take Sewage Joe away] + + — Andy: Oh ho!!! I did it!!! + — Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job. +% + — Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt +so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were +playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, +tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and +gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real. +% + — Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope. + — Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the +concession speech you wrote for me. + — Ben: I never wrote it. +% + — Leslie: City Council, bitches! +% + + — Andy: You OK, boss? + — Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but +all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca. + — Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca? + — Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares +confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses +into one woman called Hot Rebecca. + — Andy: Oooh. + — Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super +PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat. + — Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is +gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam. + — Leslie: No. + — Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass +Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up +on stuff. + — Leslie: Thanks. + — Andy: That's what makes you... + — Leslie: Nope. + — Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it. +% + — Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn. +% + — Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. +Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which +was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town... +% + — Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce +option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there +is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a +child size soda? + — Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the +child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59. +% + — Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber. +% + — Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new +plan. Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy! +% + — Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide +healthier options like Water Zero. + — Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there +are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per +serving. Isn't that misleading? + — Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which +is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only +60 calories. +% +[At a public forum] + + — Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job +losses lightly. + — Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas +and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in +ten years... + — Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months? + — Woman: Well we have lots of other problems. +% + — Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right +everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab +a slice of Za bro! + — Ellis: Okay. + — Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!? + — Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown. + — Ben: Dude! So did I! In college! + — April: Whoa! You guys should get married! +% + — Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes! +% + — Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's +vaginas. + — Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals. + — Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!? +% + — Leslie: Hey. + — Ann: Hey you look weird. + — Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful. +% + — Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!! + — Ellis: ...What? + — Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind. +% + — Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes. + — April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up] + — Ellis: What is your problem?! + — April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and +if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know +where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your +eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a +dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that? + — Ellis: Yes. + — April: Do it! +% + — April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count. + — Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week. +% + — Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT. +% + — Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia. + — Andy: Woo! +% + — Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what +they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of +them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field +day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a +lot of crabs. +% + — Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, +they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause +they're close to death. + — Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery. + — Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny." +% + — Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can +ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady +accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly +since LBJ was president! + — Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more +concerned with disease. + — Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? + — Ann: I don't think so no. + — Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do? + — Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat? + — Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy +scooter. + — Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna +jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo! + — Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a +doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 +to ride this train! + — Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann] +% + — Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next +thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before +you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want? + — Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want. +% + — Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan! + — Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with +them on your own time! + — Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those. +% + — Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses. + — Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading +at chapter three. + — Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your +Pants & No-one Is Invited... + — Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is +to magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen! + — Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania. + — Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away] + — Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying. +% + — Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi +Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it. +% + — Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you. + — Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing? + — Ben: I can't do that right now. + +[Leslie laughs] + +% + — Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those +death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote +was really profane. + — Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't +like how I tweet, don't follow me. + — Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you. + — Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation. +% + — Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge +garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee +Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my +wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing +condition. +% + — Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for? + — April: I dunno, eight cents? + — Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard +"Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam. + — April: Ooh...$900. + — Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right. +% +[Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben] + + — Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have +to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time. + — Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back. + — Leslie: I know. + — Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300... + — Leslie: Alright Martha I get it! +% + — Ben: Marry me? + — Leslie: Oh, yeah! +% + — Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No +one can bring my parents together. +% + — Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops! + — Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/ + — Leslie: We're getting married!! + — Ben: All right. +% + — Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't +come up in my police work +% + — Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond. +% + — Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry +Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a +spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman +Leslie Knope. + — Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin +lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a +park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I +guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal. + — Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the +children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime +nocturnally. + — Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration +of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your +resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't +hurry. +% + — Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is +like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some +junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind! + — Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton. + — Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind. +% + — Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I +pass out. +% + — Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee. +We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years! + — Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So +let's at least go meet the guy. + — Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I +like your plan. + — Ben: ... +% + — Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee +City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job. +% + — Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee +for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help +and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home. +% + — Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start +work on that right away? + — Chris: Yes sir! + — Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere. +% + — Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton. + — Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother! +% + — Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the +public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right? + — Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort. + — Ben: No. You! +% + — Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna +leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee. + — Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out] + — Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ... +% + — Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place? + — Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale +but it looks a lot like dried phlegm. + — Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins +tried to commit suicide. + — Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we +achieved it. + — Ann: So you like the place? + — Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible. + — Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I +have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party! + — Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!? + — Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by +the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off] + — Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the +perfect party. +% +[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design] + + — Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds +and most importantly, smells that define your city. + — Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. +We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with +instructions for those who've never showered before. + +[Pause] + + — Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I +will rip your throats out. + — Ben: Out! Now! + — Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so... + +[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her] + + — Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back! +% + — April: Alright so does this look familiar? + — Andy: No not at all. + — April: I was talking to Joey. + — Joey's Mom: Joey! + — Joey: Mommy! + — Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! +You'll never know how much I appreciate it! + — Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am. + — Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler. + — Joey's Mom: ...What? + — April: Don't worry about it. + +[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away] + + — April: Wow you made those losers very happy. +% + — Ben: What the Hell happened man!? + — Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why +I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting +them out of the building. + — Ben: Well...good! + — Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote +them but I insisted they be fired. + — Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this. + — Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she +could ever get over the bad blood between our towns. + — Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person. + +[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin] + + — Leslie: REVENGE!!! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk!! +WOOOOO!!! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER!!! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying +his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin!! Suck it!! Now we're even. + — Ben: Leslie. + — Leslie: Huh? + — Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did. + — Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away] +% + — April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son. + — Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, +probably having sex with you. +% + — Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used +the money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in +my house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now. + — Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business. +% + — Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas! + — Ron: What? +% + — Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good +chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it +merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!! +% + — Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle +bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you! + — Ron: Get out. + — Leslie: Yeah. okay. +% + — Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I +throw up. +% + — Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. + — Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. + — Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have +been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. +BOOM! I'm out. [walks out] + — April: Who's Matlock? +% + — Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment +from the past year. + — April: Yes! + — Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch +of garbage. + — April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue! + — Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup +with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe! + — Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to +pick up Jerry. + — April & Tom: No!! + — Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people? + — Tom: Not really. + — April: Never! +% +[Leslie talking about Diane] + + — Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane +Sawyer! +% +[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up] + + — Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up! + — Ron: No. + — Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is +perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin +neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring +woodworking stuff! + +[Everyone around them looks offended] + + — Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it +down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval. + — Ron: I don't need your approval. + — Leslie: But you have it. + — Ron: Don't need it. + — Leslie: But you got it! +% + — Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I +am so so happy for him- + +[Tammy Two walks in] + + — Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much +wood ready to be worked. + — Leslie: ...Fuck me! +% + — Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert! + — Ron: She's here isn't she? + — Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be +here! + — Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named +Tammy who is also my ex-wife. + — Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice. + — Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! +Tammy! What are you doing here? + — Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled. +% + — Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is +that? + — April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann!! It's coming out of me +right now!! I'm pregnant!! + — Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely +family. There's no place for meanies. + — April: Oh forget it I'm coming in. + +[April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease] + + — April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!! + — Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are +you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse. + — April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins. + — Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because +they're unflattering to my hands! + — Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do +something nice for Jerry. + — Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take +him to Jerry Dinner. + — Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in. + — Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! +Merry Christmas Bitches!! +% + — Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same +table! + — Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved. + — Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my +boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron? + — Diane: Subtle. +% + — Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so +cold out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna! + — April: ...I actually like that one. +% + — Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo! + — Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place +% + — Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped! +% + — Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's +husband and his friends. +% + — April: You know what? I think men are better than women. + — Leslie: She's kidding + — April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they +are our masters. + — Leslie: April. Stop it! + — April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone. +% + — Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific. + — Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this +pwetty pwetty wittle bead. + — Ron: They're not infants. + — Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay? + — Zoey: You're weird. + — Ann: You're-[runs out] + — Jerry: Well hey girls! + — Ivy: ...No. + — Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away] +% + — Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's +face like a mask!! + — Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! + — Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman? + — Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories! +% + — Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome. + — April: And some privacy to violate! + — Leslie: Yeah!! + — April: Woo! + — Leslie: ...Wait no. +% + — Andy: You are officially a baller. + — Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete. +% + — Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're +here. +% + — Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there. + — Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I +didn't mean to say that. +% + — Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt. + — Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her +that I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. +[Ann's mouth is open] What?! + — Ann: Did you just say you love Diane? + — Ron: No. I did not. + — Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute! + — Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!! + — Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo!!! Ron loves mommy!! Ron Loves mommy!! + — Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't +tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard. + — Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy!! [the girls join in] + — Ron: I LOVE NOTHING!!! [runs out] + — Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past] +% + — April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we +have to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin +Hestin, he beat up five cops on that stuff. +% + — Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with +herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating +a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, +"Congratulations, Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario +that would make sense to me. +% + — Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that +my food eats. +% + — Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you? + — Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. +Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark +secret. + — Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful. + — Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read +but I would watch the movie of. + — Ben: That's nonsense. +% + — April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex +pants. + — Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] +Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac. +% + — Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here. +% + — Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those +stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a +sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid. +% + — Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you. + — Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them. +% + — Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which +is bad. +% + — Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is +ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a +cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller. + +Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. + + +Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons. + + +Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. + + +Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" +"Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in +this country. + + +I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie +Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller. + +% + — Leslie: How did you get the word out? + — Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. + — Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. +It's been a very rewarding day. +% + — Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever. +% + — Donna: Did you just pee your pants? + — Jerry: Just a dab. + — Donna: You nasty Jerry. +% + — Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings. +% + — Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to +Game of Thrones." + — Tom: Nooooo... Jerry! +% + — Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is +crooked] How's it looks. + — Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry +tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... +break it a sixth. + — Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay. + — Chris: I have something for you. + — Ben: All right. + — Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have +been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010. + — Ben: [quietly] No way. + — Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those +eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both +found a home. + — Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me. + — Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh] +% + — Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are +a wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you +look very beautiful. +% + — Ron: People who buy things are suckers. +% + — Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on +myself! +% + — Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, +you've never had to compensate for anything. +% + — Ron: I wish this office was just walls. +% + — Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing +everything I say. + — April: So what, I have to be your slave or something? + — Ann: No, you have to be my friend + — April: Ugh, that's so much worse. +% + — Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly. +% + — Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest. + — Donna: Who were you competing against? + — Chris: My own taste buds. +% + — Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is +water that's lying about being milk +% + — Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square +% + — April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable. +% + — April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger. +% + — Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him +several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I +barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And +when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the +ground. I regret nothing. The end. +% + — Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? + — Ron: One. + — Ann: That's it? One drink? + — Ron: One shelf. + — Ann: Do you exercise? + — Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking. + — Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family + — Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga. + — Ann: Allergies? + — Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts + — Ann: Sexual History? + — Ron: Epic and Private +% + — Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent. + — Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface. +% + — Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. + — April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for +animal control? + — Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my +mind. + — Leslie: Get out. + — Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves] + — Chris: I liked him. +% + — Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion +bottles] + — April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused +like a railway worker. + — Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud. + — April: [smiles] Really? Thanks. +% + — Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd +choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do +nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done. +% + — Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What +kind of name is that? + — Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The +half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones? + — Ann: No, do you? + — Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! +Everyone on that show can get it! +% + — Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron. + — Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods? + — Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change +it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day. + — Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you +have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June. + — Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first +time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship. + — Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a +hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm +complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I +love you. + — Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of +anniversaries, so I have seniority. + — Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction. + — Ann: What- no! + — Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed. + — Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get +us the waffle iron back? + — Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. +[pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very +wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth +for example. + — Ann: This is why we don't hang out. +% + — Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do +to! I just moved. +% + — Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger. +% + — April: My spirit blood is on your hands. +% + — Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad. + — Ron: No +% + — Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is +like a giant puppy with no shame. +% + — Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as +well lean into it. +% + + — Andy: Look, Hogwarts. + — Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know +that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that. +% + — Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that +was a mistake. +% + — Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here? + — Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, +there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops. + — Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher +shops first. +% + — Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the +stench of European socialism. +% + — Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a +disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an +island. In space. +% + — Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me? + — Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast! + — Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old +calculator. It doesn't have a name. +% + — Leslie: Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you +know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer +burn widows for learning arithmetic. +% + — Leslie: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The +Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm +told is a fancy horse riding thing. + — Alonso: It is horse dancing madam! + — Leslie: Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in +your saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments! + — April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law! + — Leslie: No! +% + — Leslie: I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new +filing temp... + — Jerry: [walking in] Hey everybody! + — April: NOOOOO!!! + — Tom: Noooo!!! Why!? This can't be happening!! + — Ron: Why Leslie!? +% + — Chris: When we were state auditors we had an amazing system. + — Ben: Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy +and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons! + — Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! + — Ben: You're all fired! + — Chris: Teamwork! +% + — Jerry: When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were +getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. +Because Pawnee needs me. +% + — April: I'm sorry was your name Jennifer? + — Tynnyfer: No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but +then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops +some pills] + — April: ...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's +April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks. + — Tynnyfer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up +where do I get that? + — April: Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona? + — Tynnyfer: I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of +them before. Are they better!? + — April: Winona rocks my world. + — Tynnyfer: Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. +Must. Must. + +[cut to April being interviewed] + + — April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world +with her. +% + — Leslie: Hey this is a surprise! + — Ann: Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could +hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird? + — Leslie: Is everything okay? + — Ann: Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn. + — Leslie: Oh hello! + — Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton. + — Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are +very healthy. + — Leslie: Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you +because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the +only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about +in textbooks. + — Ann: Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk +some more words into Leslie's face. +% + — Leslie: Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, +with your tiny little doll feet. + — Ann: Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm +gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn. + — Leslie: What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew +she was a monster! +% + — Leslie: Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by +treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties? + — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like +totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking +like so much forever! + — Tynnyfer: It's all so delicious! + — April: I know right!? + — Tynnyfer: This is like the best day ever! + — April: I know I'm eating it all up! + — Leslie: Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead +of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower... + — April: Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut! + — Tynnyfer: And Skank! + — April: How crazmazing is that Les!? +% + — Leslie: Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to +stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy +forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a +garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings! +% + — Donna: Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of +medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too +much of today? + — Craig: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too +much!! AND IT'S INCURABLE!! ...Also, I have eczema. +% + — Leslie: Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean +your job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But +I think Craig's gonna have to go. + — Donna: No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met +anyone who cares more about this job. + — Leslie: Huh Donna. I'm right here. + — Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose +between him and me, I'd choose him. + — Leslie: What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!? + — Donna: I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in +Seattle, the fiance in Denver... + — Leslie: Huh!? + — Donna: It won't last. +% + — Ann: Okay we need to talk! + — Leslie: I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some +accent from that new town you might move to!! +% +[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts] + + — Ron: Why are you doing this? + — Leslie: What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally +binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!? + — Ron: You have lost your mind. + — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les. + +[Everyone storms out] + + — Leslie: Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead!! Is that +better!?! +% + — Ron: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? + — Eagleton Ron: Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural +plant extract. + — Ron: Shut your damn mouth. + — Eagleton Ron: No need to curse. + — Ron: There most certainly is! +% + — Leslie: Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All +Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally. +% + — Leslie: So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're +not "Ann pretty" but you have potential. + — Evelyn: ...Thank you but I don't work in this department- + — Leslie: Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie. +% +[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers] + + — Leslie: Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and +then become familiar best friends. + — Craig: I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo +gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown! + — Leslie: Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys +remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig +said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do +you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably. + +[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie] + + — Ron: This way please. + — Leslie: Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best +friends attack Ron!!! + +[Everyone looks very confused] + +% + — Ron: Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!? + — Leslie: I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as +I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!! + — Ron: ... + — Leslie: Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris. + — Ron: Well that's nice. + — Leslie: Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically +hot betrayal!!! +% + — Leslie: We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my +opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark +stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to +do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall +Knope? Don't." + — Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?" + — Leslie: ...Yeah that's a much better idea. + — April: Can I have these question mark stickers? + — Leslie: Why? + — April: I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out] + — Leslie: April no! +% + — Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to +my wife"? + — Ben: It's a complicated legal document. + — Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had +the same will since I was eight years old. + — Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the +man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols? + — Ron: The man who kills me will know. + — Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence +long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer. + — Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, +congressman and doctor. Pass. + — Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if +you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the +government. + — Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of? +% + — Leslie: That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying? + — Donna: Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that +was your thing. + — Leslie: My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making +friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really +cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo! + — Donna: Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam +about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs. +% + — Leslie: I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying? + — Chris: No. + — Leslie: Are you lying? + — Chris: No. + — Leslie: Are you trying to protect my feelings? + — Chris: No. + — Leslie: Do you think I'm being annoying right now? + — Chris: Yes. + — Leslie: So you do think I'm annoying! + — Chris: I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I +think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that +driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of +things. I like cooking. And racquetball! + — Leslie: Now who's annoying? + — Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And +turns out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the +recall haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. +#BossBitch." + — Leslie: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a +bullet for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch." + — Chris: It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her +frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like +racquetball, for your mouth. +% + — Leslie: I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one +person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are +we to judge? + — Donna: And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things. + — Leslie: I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the +future. + — Donna: And I can't promise that I won't complain about it. + — Leslie: Deal. + +[They shake hands] + + — Leslie: I got you an apology present. + — Donna: Oh? + — Leslie: It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got +the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same +time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you +feel about them individually. + — Donna: Let me take a picture. + — Leslie: Are you tweeting this? + — Donna: Mmmhmm. + — Leslie: What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?" + — Donna: Yeah it's "PsychoBoss." + — Leslie: Well, I don't hate that. +% + — Leslie: I cannot wait to hear your Travolta. + — Jamm: Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're +Zuko. + +[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease] + + — Chris: [To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No +twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty! +% + — Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his +financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for +the land. + — Ron: Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin? + — Donna: I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp +ground. Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi... + — Ron: You're describing a hotel. +% + — Jamm: You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you +when you're gone. + — Leslie: Oh... + — Jamm: You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor. + — Leslie: You want to be Lex Luthor? + — Jamm: Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich. + — Leslie: Well okay. I can't argue with that. +% + — Leslie: Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting! + — Chris: She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the +University of Michigan. Go Blue! + — Leslie: ... + — Chris: It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family. + — Leslie: What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no +"Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! +It's ridiculous! +% + — Jamm: Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going +for but I dig your gambit. + — Leslie: There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by +the way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool. + — Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice +very grating. + — Leslie: I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home. +% +[After making a deal with Jamm] + + — Jamm: Deal guys. You must really want that park. + — Leslie: I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best +friend. [talking about Ann] + — Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too. + — Leslie: ... +% + — Leslie: Are you sure you're okay with what you did? + — Chris: Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on +the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope. + — Leslie: Mmmhmmm + — Chris: And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away. + — Leslie: Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening. +% + — Ben: Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city +counselor so everyone be extra supportive. + — Ron: Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind +nod. + — Ben: ...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on +her last day. Any ideas? + — Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay +away from wine! Wine is crying juice. + — Larry: Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really +want more than anything in the world? + — Ben: ...A nice candle! I'm screwed. +% + — Leslie: Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone +through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat +adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the +episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it +that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now. +% +[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein] + + — Dr. Saperstein: So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus +I've ever seen. This could be a superhero! + — Chris: Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you +destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!!! + — Ann: We love you! + — Dr. Saperstein: I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex? + — Chris: Oh my God! Should we? + — Ann: No, right? Or maybe yes? + — Chris: Is there an option other than yes or no? + — Dr. Saperstein: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. +Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila! + — Ann: That'll be fun! + — Chris: It's like the Oscars! + — Ann: Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait +no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great! + — Chris: ... +% +[Ann and Chris are having lunch] + + — Chris: I would be thrilled if we have a girl! + — Ann: Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it! + — Chris: And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily... + — Ann: Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! +[To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you +don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your +face into the deep fryer!! + +[The waitress starts nervously walking away] + + — Chris: And also two waters please but no hurry. + — Ann: Thank you! +% +[reading Dr. Saperstein's note] + + — Chris: We are having a...distributions. + — Ann: ... + — Chris: That's what it looks like. "Distributions." + — Ann: Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says +"I Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf? + — Chris: We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet." + — Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation!! The suspense is +killing me!! + — Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein. + — Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I +hope so. +% + — Leslie: Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have +a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City +Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now. + — Everyone: ... + — Leslie: Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's +happening? Right? + — Tom: Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the +worst. + — Leslie: April? + — April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned +into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it. + — Leslie: Andy? + — Andy: I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go +through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three +days. + — Leslie: Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words +carry great influence so what do you think I should do? + — Ron: I do not think that you should run again. + — Leslie: What the Hell do you know dum dum!!? +% + — Jennifer: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some +consulting? + — Leslie: Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family? + — Jennifer: Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of +that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband? + — Leslie: ...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk. +% + — Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. +But why would you want to? + — Leslie: Because it's my dream job. + — Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run +by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change +at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out +in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and +confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for +kicks. + — Leslie: Is that what you did? + — Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, +Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, +you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open +future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All +of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care +enough about you to lie. +% + — Jennifer: Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're +gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars. + — Leslie: Uh...I just need to... + — Jennifer: I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe +me $1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you +Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move +this back? Don't answer it! +% + — Leslie: Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby +shower. + — Ron: Dear God woman! + — Leslie: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my +personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like +an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I +have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller. + — Ron: We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner] + — Leslie: Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. + +[Leslie spots baby John in the corner] + + — Leslie: [Gasps] Oh my God whose baby is that!? + — Ron: That would be mine. + — Leslie: Guys get in here!! Ron has a baby!! + — Andy: Oh Ron. Cool baby. + — Ron: Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, +John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing +multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of +silence. Please keep your voices down. + — Leslie: How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, +and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!! + — Ron: Why would you need to know something like that? + — Leslie: [pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even +sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a +gift yet! + — April: Should we do something? + — Ron: Just let her tire herself out. + — Larry: If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know. + — Ron: Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet +store and pick up some fish food for me? + — Leslie: WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!? +% + — April: Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the +graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs" + — Leslie: I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the +worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle +giving the middle finger. + — Andy:Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it. +% + — Leslie: A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now +it is time to tear down this wall! + +[Applause from crowd] + + — Leslie: In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the +first strike. Take it away guys! + +[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall] + + — Leslie: It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the +hole] BEES!! BEES!! NOBODY PANIC!! + +[Everyone starts screaming and running away as the bees start stinging people] + + — Craig: [running away] OHHH NOOO!!! + — Random Citizen: AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!! + — Jamm: [filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid +Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight +to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK!! FUCK!! + — Andy: [shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung +once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing! +% + — Reporter: Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were +from Eagleton. How did you pull that off? + — Leslie: I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest +to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing +at the Eagletonians. + — Reporter: How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it +take to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton? + — Leslie: They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a +prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should +treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their +walls for bees! + — Reporter: Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there! + — Leslie: Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out] + — Reporter: What else can you do with your bees!? + — Reporter: Leslie what's your next prank!? +% + — Larry: Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks +Service. + — Leslie: I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! +Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee +hole disaster! + — Larry: Okey dokey. + — Leslie: Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my +bee hole. +% + — Leslie: I am so incredibly sorry. + — Eagletonian: That's very kind of you Miss Knope. + — Leslie: I hope you look a lot less gross very soon. +% + — Jamm: Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go +there for me? Some dirty mags? + — Leslie: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks +who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain! + — Jamm: Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just +hang. +% + — Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live +ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving +cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims. + — Leslie: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just +came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung. + — Mike Patterson: Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your +friend, known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm. + — Jamm: Excuse me Mike, that's best friend. + — Leslie: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together +and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from +who! + — Jamm: Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from +Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!? + — Leslie: Mine! It was my idea! + — Mike Patterson: You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie +Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. +And I for one am sick of it. +% + — Leslie: The point is, will you go to Prom with me? + — Ben: Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of +course I will. + — Leslie: Yay!!! Prom!!! +% + — Leslie: Tom, you're in charge of music. + — Ben: Aww man. Well alright. + — Leslie: Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little +puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws. + — Donna: Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you +two. Ya'll are an official warning. +% + — Leslie: Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were +discontinued. + — Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back +channels. + — Leslie: Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of +business! + — Allison: They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca. + — Ben: ...What is happening right now? +% + — April: Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live +together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine. + — Larry: What does laked mean? + — Andy: I tried to jump it over a lake!! Why don't you stay out of our +conversations Larry!! + — Larry: Will do! [chuckles and walks off] +% + — Leslie: We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April +Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I +don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program. +% + — Ron: What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of +freedom? + — Allison: ... + — Leslie: That's what he calls City Hall. + — Allison: Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I +was thinking about taking it. + — Ron: [laughing] Oh no no no no!! No! I respect your father too much to +let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying +job for the summer? + — Leslie: Why don't you shut your mustache!!? + — Allison & Ron: ... + — Leslie: Sorry. +% + — Ben: My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the +house without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living +room...I think I'm still messed up from it. +% + — Leslie: [in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I +will defeat you! Mark my words! + — Ron: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships. +% + — Ron: I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we +slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at +the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown +it. +% + — Andy: Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an +eagle's poetry. + — April: Andy. I hate teenagers! + — Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's +like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. +Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I +watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good +movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance? +% + — Leslie: So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a +little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm +handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion. + — Allison: So just...pull the rope. + — Leslie: That's right! +% + — Donna: I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. +Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Dukes to the +final four. + — April: I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a +good time. + +[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time] + + — April: How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves? + — Donna: That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the +most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be +direct. + +[guy walks up to Donna] + + — Guy: Hey girl. Are you ready to go? + — Donna: I feel like I told you to wait in the car. + — Guy: ...Yeah. [walks off] + — Donna: See? Be direct. +% + — Ron: Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your +awkward, close quarters gyrating. + +[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage] + + — Leslie: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection +please!! +% + — Girl: Where'd you get that dress? + — April: I was buried in it. + — Girl: ... [awkwardly walks away] +% + — Ben: You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me. + — Tom: Yeah. You're old as shit!! Thanks Ben. + — Ben: Glad I could help. +% + — Allison: Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend. + +[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison] + + — Leslie: [shocked] ...Greg Pikitis? + — Greg: What up Knope!? + — Leslie: Hello Gregory. + — Allison: You guys know each other? + — Leslie: You might say that. + — Greg: Come on baby, let's get out of here. + +[Greg and Allison walk away] + + — Ron: It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right? + — Leslie: Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible +judgement. + +[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling +her dress to a tablecloth] + + — Leslie: PIKITIS!! +% + — Leslie: It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work +to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our +poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's +history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant +"ethically reprehensible." +% + — Leslie: Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! +People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry. + +[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk] + + — Larry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home? + — Leslie: The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail. +% + — April: April Ludgate, professional drinker. + — Woman: Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate? + — April: The Wine...Academy. + — Woman: The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!? + — April: Yes! + — Woman: Carol. Make sure she's in Group A. + — Craig: Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know +everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and +this is my debit rewards card! +% + — Andy: I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the +candy isles but won't get any. + — Leslie: You can buy two candies. + — Andy: TWO!? [runs off] + — Pharmacist: Can I help you? + — Leslie: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, +it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good +stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff. +% +[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel] + + — Craig: Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly +pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!! + — April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and +just a hint of a robot's bathwater. + — Craig: It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace +beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night +sky is full of stars!! + — April: This comes from...your mother's butt. +% + — Chip McCapp: Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!!? And stack em +for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid! + — Chip's Dad/Manager: You got it Chip! + — Chip McCapp: Ugh my dad is such an idiot. + — Andy & Leslie: ... +% + — Chip's Dad/Manager: Here you go Chip. + — Chip McCapp: Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey!! You +dick!! I want ham!! + — Chip's Dad/Manager: Sorry son they were out of ham. + — Chip McCapp: Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then? + +[throws plate at his Dad] + + — Chip McCapp: Pick em up skip. + — Andy: [whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks +that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that! + — Leslie: [whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him. + — Chip McCapp: Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!! + — Chip's Dad/Manager: Anticipating Chip! +% + — Official: Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of +a Sommelier Certificate. + — April: Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so +much everyone!! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you +spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid. + — Official: Security! + +[security begins to escort April out] + + — April: I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh +Pluto Nash. All the Klumps... +% + — Eagleton Ron: Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine +evening? + — Ron: Motherfucker! + — Ben: Whoa where'd you come from? + — Eagleton Ron: Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether +your conception of time is linear or circular. + — Ben: ...What? + — Eagleton Ron: Hello Ron. + — Ben: Ron, you know this hobo? + — Eagleton Ron: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department. + — Ben: Dude, are you a ghost? + — Eagleton Ron: Am I? + — Ben: ...What is happening right now!?! +% + — Leslie: You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and +you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms!! +...That make us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go +Andy! +% + — Tom: Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd +have to show me you can bring it down a notch. + — Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!!! +% + — Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho? + — Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine. +% +[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig] + + — Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight? + — Tom: Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red. + — Craig: You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with +your fish. + — Donna: No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine. + — April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a +glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around +please. + — Craig: ...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out] + — Tom: Seems to be keeping it together + — Craig: [from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? +I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!!! + +[Craig comes back with the wine] + + — Craig: For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to +bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet +which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam +would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white. + — Tom: Thanks very much! + — Craig: Enjoy. [walks out] + — Tom: I think I might have found my new sommelier. + — Craig: [from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!! + — Tom: I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound +proof. +% + — Ben: So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items. + — April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar. + — Leslie: That's great April! How'd you do that!? + — April: It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently +catfishing Anthony Kiedis. +% + — Leslie: We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity +concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The +Stream with a Sacajawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, +microphones, water, that boring stuff too. +% + — Andy: I am not good at keeping secrets!! That's exactly what I told Kyle +when he told me his wife was cheating on him. + — Kyle: ANDY! COME ON!! + — Andy: Ah!! See! + — Kyle: Not cool man!! + — Andy: Not him! Not that Kyle! +% + — Donna: You wanted to see me? + — Ron: Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor. + — Donna: WHAT!??! Ron Swanson asking for help!? + — Ron: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!!! +% +[Leslie is getting an ultrasound] + + — Dr. Saperstein: Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's +your healthy baby! + — Leslie: Oh wow. + — Dr. Saperstein: Oh! And there's another one! + — Ben: The baby has two bodies? + — Leslie: Twins! Ben we're having twins! + — Dr. Saperstein : No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here. + — Leslie: ...Triplets!? Triplets!? + — Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of +cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a +bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare! + — Ben: Triplets... + — Leslie: Triplets... +% + — Leslie: I can't believe it!! We knocked it out of the park on the first +try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court! + — Ben: This is insane. + — Leslie: This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now +we got the proof! + — Dr. Saperstein: Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more +frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to +releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean +to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale." +% + — Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all +our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot +higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to +RELAX?! + +[Leslie enters] + + — Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? + — Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love +you. + +[Leslie exits] + + — Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed. +% + — Andy: Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying. + — April: Lie. + — Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has. + — April: ... + — Andy: Leslie is dying- + — April: No. + — Andy: They're both dying. + — April: No! + — Andy: I'm dying. + — April: ... + — Andy: Chris and Ann are moving. + — April: They already moved. + — Andy: They are moving again to China...town in France. + — April: No! + — Andy: Okay! Fine do you really wanna know? + — April: Yes! + — Andy: Leslie. Is. A spy. + — April: No. + — Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt. + — April: Oh my God. +% + — Leslie: Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert +right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who +just hit triple cherries in her uterus. + — Ben: We're screwed. +% + — Ben: Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars! + — Leslie: Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of +my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like +To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time. +% + — April: Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret +anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but +if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you. + — Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to +keep my word. + +[April shrugs] + + — Andy: But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell +you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready? + — April: Okay! + +[Leslie & Ben walk in] + + — Leslie: Everybody if you could gather around! + — Andy: [pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!! +% + — Ben: You're ready? + — Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before. +% + + — Jamm: Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted. + — Leslie: Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact +with you again. + — Jamm: I missed you too. +% + — Leslie: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all +the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust +my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel +vision about achieving my goals. +% +[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee] + + — Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to +apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, +we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los +Angeles not a wine. + — Joan: Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing? + — Ben: No because he's been famously dead for 60 years. + — Joan: WHAT!? +% + — Tom: Round of drinks for everyone on the house!! + — Andy: Yeah!! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. +And a spaghetti to go. On the house!! +% + — Joan: [Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham... + — Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman. +% + — Ron: How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience +with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and +land. + — Leslie: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!! +% + — Leslie: I didn't even get a chance to say my plan! + — Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan? + — Leslie: Please don't say Hitler- + — Jamm: Adolf Hitler! +% + — Leslie: Ron! What did you do!? + — Ron: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote. + — Leslie: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote +away from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and +Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!! +% + — Leslie: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't +you have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that. + — Jamm: Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat +steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest. + — Leslie: I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it +seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come +on! You love Porschs and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card. + — Jamm: Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know +it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly +sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right! + +[Jamm breaks down crying] + + — Jamm: Oh God! + — Leslie: Oh boy... + — Jamm: Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought +so! + — Leslie: Well... + — Jamm: [Crying] Oh God! Oh God! + — Leslie: Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken +you! You need to get away from her! + +[Jamm pulls some of his hair out] + + — Jamm: Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!! + +[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically] + +% + — Leslie: Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can +resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] +Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you +say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh? + — Jamm: [whispering] Do it! + — Ron: There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the +pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! +% + — Leslie: [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've +got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get +gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder] + — Ron: This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! +% +[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two] + + — Tammy Two: Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies? + — Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up. + — Tammy Two: Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get +to you? + — Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the +steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper. + — Tammy Two: [In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby! + — Leslie: We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do? + — Jamm: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY! + — Leslie: Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible... +% + — Jamm: It's over Tammy. + — Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we +consummate our relationship tonight!? + +[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of +the library] + + — Tammy Two: Huh? Let's do it! + — Ron: Oh ho ho and the last card is played! + — Leslie: What are you doing!? + — Random Lady: Shhh! This is a library! + — Leslie: Do you see what's happening here!?! +% + — Jamm: Ron I need that crotch blinder! + — Ron: No you don't! Just end it! + — Tammy Two: Look at my boobs. + — Jamm: No! + — Tammy Two: Look downstairs. + — Jamm: No! + — Tammy Two: There's a prize inside for you. + — Jamm: It's over Tammy. + — Tammy Two: What!? + — Jamm: To Hell with you woman. Goodbye! + +[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over +bookshelves] + + — Tammy Two: HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK!! THEY ALL +COME BACK!! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!! + — Ron: Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all +along. + — Tammy Two: COME ON EVERYBODY!! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!! +% +[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until +they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why +Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.] + + — Leslie: Ron, what are you doing? + — Ron: I know I saw it. Aha! + +[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.] + + — Ron: Detonator... + +[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the +Parks Department.] + + — Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago... + +[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore +in front of it.] + + — Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out +of here! + — Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second... + — Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the +right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and +walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution! + — Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do +that... + — Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE! + +[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases +confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."] + + — Leslie: Ooh! + +[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.] + + — Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks +Director. + — Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially +defused claymore mine. + — Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I +filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such. + — Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years? + — Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on +your desk? +% + — Ron: You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you. + — Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there +is. + — Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had +become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good +to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, +Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. +So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision. + +[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office] + + — Leslie: Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson? + — Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry. + — Larry: Uh, it's Terry now. + — Ron: OK. As luck would have it- + +[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate] + + — Leslie: Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell +the northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be +waiting forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to +Ron] Sorry, this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug? + — Ron: Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. +Tomorrow? + — Leslie: I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30. + — Ron: Excellent. See ya then. + — Leslie: OK! + — April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in +Washington to prep. + — Leslie: Oh my God, really? + — April: Yep. + — Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, +meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey +babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids? + +[cuts back to 2017] + + — Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch. + — Ron: You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure +out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic. + — Leslie: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes +silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have +lunch. Ron, you were going-? + — Ron: I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just +saying it out loud feels dirty. + — Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third +floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have +been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have +been a better friend to you. + — Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a +sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. +Sure, I love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the +inside... + — Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful. + — Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like +explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we +had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar +development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had +a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I +looked around this office, nothing was the same. + — Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that. + +[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, +and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there] + +% + — Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? + — Leslie: People are idiots, Ron. +% + — Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago +when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a +fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical +Waste Butt-Sweat Grove. +% + — Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but +planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, +vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig. +% + — Donna: The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. +My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he +wrote her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments +ended at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an +international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that +flatware. +% + — Leslie: Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going +to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you. + — Roz: Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're +gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds?! [the kids +run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!!? + — Leslie: [to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. +You're tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children. + — Ben: Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you. + — Leslie: I love you more than Ben. + — Ben: ... + — Leslie: I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. +But if you left me...I would never recover. + — Roz: [touched] Thanks. That helps. +% + — Ben: Things aren't that chaotic. + — Roz: [running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke +everything you own! + +[loud crash in the background] + + — Roz: I don't know what that was. +% + — Gayle: Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom +is giving his lady friend a gift. + — Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day. + — Gayle: Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you! + — Jerry: Oh sweetie!! + — Ron: Control yourselves Gergichs!!! +% +[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by] + + — Jen: Whoa! What was that!!? That was huge!! +% + — Roz: Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of +Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at. + — Jen: I mean this is chaos. +% + — Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but +seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like +"Nicey-Meany." + — April: Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who +were arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in +1970. +% + — Andy: Here are all the troublemakers boss. + — April: Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no +more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop +making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit!! +And Ginuwine... + — Ginuwine: ...Yes? + — April: Get it together! + — Ginuwine: [crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this. + — April: [mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!! +% + — Leslie: Babe you are killing it! + — Ben: I am right!? + — Leslie: Yes!! + — Ben: Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also +I have a little secret, I'm drunk! + — Leslie: I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip +of wine! + — Ben: I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent. +% + — Ben: [drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here +to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the +bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and +your just like "What!? It's you!! I love you!! You're my sexy roommate!! We +love each other!!" + — Leslie: Wooo!! He's talkin about me!! + — Ben: Yes I am baby doll!! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are +great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing +going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!! + +[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing] + + — April: You want me to shut that down? + — Donna: No I liked it. Let the little man dance. +% + — Ben: Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we? + — Leslie: Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times. +% + — Jen: You left me four messages last night. + — Ben: What? + — Jen: They contain very specific policy positions. + +[Jen holds up her phone] + + — Ben: [over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack +hard into fiscal responsibility! + — Ben: Oh God... + — Leslie: [over phone] 867-5309!!! + — Jen: I love that song. + — Leslie: [over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!!! + — Leslie: Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was. + — Jen: Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna +fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time. +% + — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!! + — Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet. + — Leslie: [crying] But you're gonna be very soon! + — Donna: Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie +but on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. +Ya'll inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle. + +[Michelle walks up] + + — Donna: Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost +touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never +gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this +wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were +never gonna walk again so this should be easy right? + — Leslie: Wow what a complicated tapestry that is! +% + — Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are +finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed. +% + — Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your +estranged brother, Levandrious!! + +[gasps from the crowd] + + — Levandrious: What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your +wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago. + — Donna: What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!! + — Levandrious: Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident. + — Donna: Yeah! + — Levandrious: Don't worry. I brought it back. + +[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground] + + — Levandrious: Now no-one gets any popcorn! + +[Donna looks at April and smiles] + +% + — Leslie: What did I do wrong now? + — Elise Yartkin: No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your +speech. + — Leslie: Really!? + — Elise Yartkin: But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie +a platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this +year's IOW Woman of the Year. + — Leslie: Son of a bitch!! +% + — Ron: [In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your +construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. +% +[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just +had a library named after her.] + + — Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library? +% +[The series' last lines] + + — Ben: You ready, babe? + — Leslie: Yes. I'm ready. +% |