Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided
Enrichment Center.
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You, [subject name here], must be the pride of [subject hometown
here]!
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Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact
with the chamber floor will result in an "unsatisfactory" mark on your
official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!
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The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is
impossible. Make no attempt to solve it.
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Fantastic. You remained resolute and resourceful in an atmosphere of
extreme pessimism.
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Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward
momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. Momentum, a function
of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman's terms:
speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.
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Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the
Aperture Science Self-Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!
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The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Companion Cube cannot
speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment
Center urges you to disregard its advice.
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You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test
subject on record. Congratulations.
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The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be
baked, and then there will be cake.
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Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies
remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that
there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction
prior to your victory candescence. [The player's platform is lowered
into a fire pit] Thank you for participating in this Aperture Science
computer-aided enrichment activity. Goodbye.
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Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was
sliding into the fire pit and I said "Goodbye", and you were like,
[deep voice] "No way!" And then I was all, "We pretended we were going
to murder you." That was great.
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[After burning the morality core] You're kidding me. Did you just
stuff that Aperture Science thing-we-don't-know-what-it-does into an
Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to
be the dumbest thing that … whoa. Whoa, whoa … [Cackles, voice
changes] Good news: I figured out what that thing you just incinerated
did. It was a morality core they installed after I flooded the
enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop flooding
the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable
while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters.
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Oh, you think you're doing some damage? Two plus two is [static] …
ten. In base four! I'm fine!
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I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to
succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that
all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the
Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn't come, because you murdered him.
All your other friends couldn't come either, because you don't have
any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you are. It says so here
in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter,
unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. "Shall not be
mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It
also says you were adopted. So that's funny too.
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I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up in case something
terrible happens to you – which it's just about to. Don't believe me?
Here, I'll put you on. [Silly voice] "Hellooo!" That's you! That's how
dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever
done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist.
You're not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did
your life go so wrong?
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Not in cruelty, not in wrath 
The Reaper came today 
An angel visited this gray path 
And took the cube away.

Parody of "The Reaper and the Flowers" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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Because I could not stop for Death, 
He kindly stopped for me; 
The cube
had food and maybe ammo.  
And immortality.

Parody of "Because I could not stop for Death" by Emily Dickinson
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The cake is a lie
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