path: root/entourage

Ari Gold: Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my c**k!
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Turtle: I thought he quit?
Johnny Drama: Cigarettes, not p***y.
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Johnny Drama: His tears will basically act as the lubricant.
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Eric: We had breakup-sex, all right?
Johnny Drama: Breakup-sex? Never heard of it.
Eric: Yeah, I mean... you know... you have sex and... that's it - you say goodbye.
Johnny Drama: [pauses to think] That's the only kinda sex I have.
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[Ari's daughter is practising for her bat mitzvah]
Ari Gold: [to his wife] Is it me or is her voice getting worse?
Ari's Wife: Ari!
Ari Gold: It doesn't mean that I don't love her but she's just awful baby!
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Ari Gold: I'll beat that old f**k and throw him in the pool.
Ari Gold: [to his young kids]
Ari Gold: Only Daddy speaks that way!
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Turtle: This is where you should be living, Vince. In a kingdom, like a prince.
Eric: Don't you mean in a kingdom like a king, you idiot?
Vince: Nah, E. Everyone wants to kill the king. But the prince, he just sails along telling all the ladies, "One day I'm gonna be 
king."
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Vince: Johnny Depp's got the kinda career I want.
Eric: Johhny Depp did "Pirates of the Caribbean". And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckling costume and carried a sword.
Turtle: Yeah, but he already dresses like that in real life, though.
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Shauna: It's like prom; you get your date a corsage and she gives you a hand job.
Turtle: Who the f**k wants a hand job?
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Ari Gold: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.
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Eric: We gotta get Cameron to see "Queens Boulevard."
Ari Gold: You haven't even seen it yet!
Eric: I saw the scenes that Vince looped today. They looked amazing.
Ari Gold: Great. So you want me to get the biggest director in the game to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing 
based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage.
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Johnny Drama: [at the home of a Hollywood "madam" and her girls] Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your d**k in.
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Ari Gold: You can have it if you want to live in Agora f**king hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, 
a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a 
motherf**king Wednesday.
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Eric: [Eric and Ari are discussing film roles for Vince] Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari Gold: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a d**k. That's what actors do. They pretend.
Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari Gold: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
Eric: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari Gold: He ain't on the list.
Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari Gold: You do "Aquaman," you stupid f**k!
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Eric: [talking to Vincent, after a director does a rewrite on the "Queens Boulevard" script] He's got you blowing a guy on page 26!
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Ari Gold: From now on ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
Eric: How'd you know that?
Ari Gold: 'Cause I know all. And I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta to fire her so you don't feel weird.
Eric: No. Don't fire her.
Ari Gold: All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.
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Ari Gold: [Ari doesn't want Vince to do Queens Blvd] You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you 
a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?
Eric: Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could.
Vince: I do have great balance.
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Adam Davies: [Adam Davies reveals himself to be the traitor within Ari's coup d'état] You should be a nicer person. Maybe then people 
wouldn't f**k you.
Ari Gold: You talked, Davies?
Ari Gold: [Davies turns away to leave] Hey, Adam.
Adam Davies: Yeah, Ari?
Ari Gold: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.
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Ari Gold: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an 
executioner's mask, and a f**king spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!
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Ari Gold: I thought you already were his manager. Because believe me I would not put up with this much s**t from anyone who wasn't.
Eric: Yeah, I know I am, but I want to do it for real, you know? I want to have the conversation, lock it in.
Ari Gold: So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna f**king cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that 
you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them.
Eric: He doesn't need me that much.
Ari Gold: Of course he doesn't need you. You're f**king worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's 
not the point.
Eric: Then what is the point, Ari?
Ari Gold: The point is that he is an insecure f**k, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't 
trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful, and wear the 
crown.
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Ari Gold: Call me Helen Keller because I'm a f**king miracle worker!
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Turtle: Come on E, you know friends are just girls you haven't f**ked yet.
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Ari: I knew you liked d**k, Babs, but i didn't realize you were a c**ksucker!
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Ari: It's like high school. You can't f**k the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers!
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Ari: F**k the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-f**k, don’t answer!
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Johnny Drama: Nobody appreciates their girlfriend. Until they get herpes from the next broad. Know what I'm saying?
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Ari: There you go, baby -- Men at Work, the land down under...We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe, and we're gonna headbutt some goddamn kangaroos.
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Sierra: What do you mean you were on Kimmel? Is that like 'X'?
Turtle: No, it's a TV show.
Porsche: Do you have any X?
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Mrs. Gold: uh huh...and what's in the gym bag?
Ari: A kilo of blow. [Ari laughs nervously] What's with all the f**king questions?
Mrs. Gold: [to Eric] He's showing off for you.
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Ari: You like Gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.
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Ari: [to Eric] I would say hug it out, but I don't want you drawing wood.
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Lloyd: Ari, swear to me you will never say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I WILL always apologize after.
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Ari: [Berating an agent who attempted to steal Ari's client] You know what other class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's motherf**king clients. But in your case, I am going to make an exception. I am going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality TV writers. When I'm done with you, you're going to be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jojo, the dog-faced bitchboy? call Josh Weinf**k, the light-weight pen-stealing f**kface. [Takes the agent's mimosa and sips from it] That's awful. [dumps the drink]
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Ari [to Eric]: You know 'The Station Agent,' Eric? Monster hit at Sundance. It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. Last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London. Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there.
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Mrs. Gold: I ask for one hour out of the day for his undivided attention, and I can't even have that.
Ari: You can have it if you want to live in Agora f**king hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, and a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherf**king Wednesday.
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Ari: All right, when you talk to Dana, tell her I'm going to take the pictures from Cancun, and start a website called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and there will be no password or fee required, and I will take out a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Tell her I want a f**king call back.
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Ari: [after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] Come on! I'm like R. Kelly at recess here!
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Turtle: We saw Kristin in the middle of 40 Deuce with her hands down Vince Vaughn's pants.
Eric: She had her hands down his pants?
Johnny Drama: Yeah, both of 'em.
Eric: Vince Vaughn? That puffy motherf**ker?
Johnny Drama: Nah, bro, he didn't look puffy at all... He was lookin' reeeeal good.
Turtle: Yeah, it was kinda like "Swingers" Vince Vaughn, not Old School Vince Vaughn... it's kinda like Neeewww Schoool Vince Vaughn.
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[the guys look out towards the Pacific Ocean]
Turtle: What direction is that?
Johnny Drama: That's east, you idiot.
Eric: It's west, idiot.
Johnny Drama: [long pause among the guys] Well, I mean, in New York it's east.
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Johnny Drama: If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd take it in the ass for an Oscar.
Turtle: You'd take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys.
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Vincent: It's not about the awards. If it's good, I'll do it.
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Ari: The next one after "Queens Boulevard" is a studio picture: I'm talking franchise, baby. We'll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a huge c**k.
Vincent: It's definitely tempting.
Ari: I love you!
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Gary Busey: You are a gut maggot without guts.
Ari: Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up!
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Johnny Drama: I've been working steady for the past twelve years, minus the last three.
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Vince: [talking to Eric at a Hollywood party] Look at where we are. Did you ever think we'd have this?
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Eric: Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question.
Turtle: Do I give a f**k, that's the answer.
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Ari: [When Eric tells him that James Cameron is directing Aquaman] F**k you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?
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Ari: Listen, Lloyd, do you want to make it? Or do you want to fold shirts at a Chinese laundry? Now pledge. Nod if you understand what I'm saying.
Lloyd: I understand.
Ari: You can't just f**king nod?
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Lloyd: How'd it go?
Ari: How'd the f**king Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?
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Ari: I wanna f**k Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might actually have a shot.
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Ari: F**k Peter Hill, never heard of him.
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Ari: Let's hug it out, bitch.
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[the guys are talking about their "first time"]
Turtle: Sure, E... you had to beg for p***y on prom night.
Eric: Yeah, but I begged my GIRLFRIEND, Turtle... not some $40 hooker who declined my mother's credit card.
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Ari: [yelling to another driver on the road] Is that the way they drive in Tiananmen Square, bitch?
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Ari: [to his assistant Lloyd] *nodding drunkenly* That was a good speech Lloyd...If I was 25 and liked c**k, we could be something...
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Ari: Smoke more Weed Turtle, Seriously, smoke more weed.
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Drama: Back off a little, you're too close!
Turtle: We're two cars back. What do you want from me?
Drama: Always keep two-fifths of a block between you and your subject.
Turtle: Oh what, you've done this before Drama?
Drama: Too many times Turtle, too many times.
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Ari: Great work, Rob. Great work. See if you can read this: [Writing on dry-erase board] Get the f**k out! You're fired, and in case your ears are f**ked, Get. The F**k. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work. God damn that felt good.
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Ari: You s**tty dime-store therapist. A man's life is on the line here, and all you give a f**k about is beating some stupid club record that will do what for you? Give you five minutes of pleasure while you f**k your unpaid emasculated husband tonight? How the f**k does he afford this place anyway? Isn't he a guidance counselor at a high school?
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Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the f**king Bobcats. And I came here today, because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which I thought, given your wall of f**king diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me, I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number - like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.
Mrs. Ari: You're really only our 5th.
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Eric: She thinks I'm a freak.
Turtle: You hit her with the unsolicited snuggle. You are a freak.
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(discussing E's 'accident' of waking up snuggling Sloan's friend after their threesome)
Drama: Freud says there are no accidents...
Eric: Oh yeah? You two crossed swords during your threesome... accident?
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Ari: My life is over [shouting drunk, out of Lloyd's car window]
Lloyd You'll bounce back Ari Gold!
Ari: I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, and I'm going home in a prop car from the fast and the furious, I just don't see it Lloyd...
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The Sherpa: The Earth is moving. Did you feel that? Everything. All the time. Dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving. Turtle, you're a dove.
Turtle: That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks.
Eric: You afraid of getting busted?
The Sherpa: Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting *high*. We're not getting f**ked down. We're getting f**ked up.
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Justine Chapin: [Justine and Vince are flirting in a club] You're gonna have to work for it.
Vince: I got into this business so I wouldn't have to work.
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Vince: Look, you got what you wanted, I'm officially out of control.
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Vince: I know you all need me, but I'll call you if I need any of you.
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Mark Cuban: If you f**k me, you know what's gonna happen?
Asst: He's going to make Gordon Gecko look like Mary Poppins...
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Turtle: How many yachts can you water ski behind?
Mark Cuban: Are you quoting Wall Street?
Asst: Greed is good baby!
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E: You can't bang my assistant.
Drama: What? You don't think I can get her?
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Drama: Unless he's distributing, this is a large bag of cocaine he's holding.
Billy: That is kind of Tony Montana style.
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Ari: I'm here, I'm present, I'm suffering. No phone, Blackberries or carrier pigeons.
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Ari: Jonah, next time - boy's night out. These girls are annoying.
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Richard Branson: I'm in family mode too, so...
Ari: Yes. Well played sir. I love your family.
Mrs. Gold: ARI!
Ari: Honey, he has twins. How rare is that?
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Ari: I don't want to speak to her.
Jake: Should I tell her that?
Ari: Tell her I want her to die!
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Ari [to Amanda]: You're sorry? You're sorry for what? You're sorry for leaking slanderous out of context nonsense about me huh? And then rifling through all my hard work to steal my football team? F**k you, ok? F**k you. And now hold on a second. I'd never hit a woman in my entire life but I swear to God in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you did to me, my career and my family. But not to worry all right. Because I will prevail, because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent. And I will not stop untill I destroy you.
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Therepist: I'm sorry, we'll have to stop soon. Ari, can you respond to this request?
Ari: No, who could.. and f**k you with your f**king clock!
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Therapist: It's nice to see that you find your voice.
Ari: When did she not had her voice?
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Ari: Why don't we start the day off with some hugs and kisses? Everyone except for you and me Lloyd, that ain't happening.
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Ari: Listen sweetheart. You wanna call and butter me up with sympathy and then drop this on me because you think that I'm down and will take anything - let me explain this to you in a metaphor you will understand. I am sure there are guys who have fingered you in the ass long enough that eventually you let them f**k it. And now you think you got me bent over with your finger in my ass thinking I will let you do the same. I am not like you Dana. You will not FUCK ME IN THE ASS, VINCE WILL NOT PISS IN A CUP FOR YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE.
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Vince: She has sex on camera, which all of us do on some level.
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Billy Walsh: Vince and your body double down the hall there were doing a little sniffle sniffle at the party the other night.
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Lloyd: I always imagined a double teaming would be more fun than that.
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Ari: If you don't want to talk and you don't want to have sex, what else is there to do in here?
Mrs. Gold: Do you want to talk?
Ari: I'd rather have sex.
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Ari: I don't make the rules. Not all of them anyways.
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Dana: I'm pushing 40, I don't have a man. I want a baby... with your sperm.
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Ari: I love you Dana, and if I'd ever cheat on my wife it will be you I'm f**king.
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Turtle: I sent ten to James Cameron.
Alex: Can you call him?
Turtle: No, he's The Terminator.
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Ari: I'll give her a scoop.
Barbara: Oh you got one?
Ari: I'll tell her you blew Mickey Rooney and gargled with it.
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Ari: Deadline Hollywood would run a story about me having a loose stool, much less tapes.
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Ari: I don't care if Justin Bieber calls and wants me to negotiate the rights to his virginity, I don't want to talk to him.
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Billy; You seem angry, Drama.
Drama: I've always been, Billy. Only now, I'm drunk too.
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Ari: E, I'll call you in an hour, make sure you're dopplegangbanger stays off the line.
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Drama: The landing strip went out in the mid nineties. It's the truth. Everyone goes smooth nowadays.
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Vinnie: How was it?
Turtle: For me or for her?
Drama: Well, we know it couldn't have been any good for her, so let's hear about you.
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Ari: No [Andrew]'s not coming back. He's a coke fiend sex addict who wrote checks out of this company's account to buy hookers. So no, he will never work here again.
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Ari: You know [Lizzie] f**ked Andrew? That's what caused this whole spiral. It wasn't the drugs, it was her evil p***y that lured him in.
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Ari [to Andrew Sorkin about Jessica Simpson]: She looks great and she's single. You know what John Mayer said about her. Sexual napalm. You love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like victory.
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Ari [to Andrew Sorkin]: I'm now on Facebook because of you. I've got 600 friends. [Looks at Jessica Simpson] And John Mayer is not one of them.
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Lloyd [about the dog]: Isn't he delicious?
Ari: Find something else to cook for dinner. Jessica is taking him.
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Ari [to Amanda]: Please don't tell me you're the one who picked up the straight Lizzie from the harsh gutter of life.
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Ari: I think your eye is growing cataracts because as you see by the day's events, anyone she wants or has, be it a sitcom actor or a circus freak, I'm going after.
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Drama: It's not called show friends. It's called show business!
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Mike Tyson: I wanna do like the black Brady Bunch. I'm trying to rehab my image. I want to spread some of that worldly wisdom that I picked up on my journey in life.
Ari: And then if Bobby doesn't listen to you, you bite his ear off.
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Lloyd: Feels like old times.
Ari: You want a demotion?
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Ari: That's what marriage is for: so you can bang out your anger.
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Turtle: We made out all night.
Scott: Where? At the freshman dance?
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Drama: Are you kidding me? Vagina in my third favorite hole.
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Assistant: I couldn't find out what Katzenberg likes to eat.
Ari: He lives off Diet Coke, you see how lean he is?
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Assistant: Ari, you don't have to be nervous. You're gonna do great.
Ari: What are you, my life coach?
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Ari [off to speak with Lizzy who is leaving the company]: Send 'm off with sweetness Jake! Hopefully you won't have to taste my sugar any time soon.
Assistant: Yeah, let's hope.
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Ari: Well I was hoping that we could part on good terms.
Lizzy: You can go f**k yourself Ari.
Ari: Now is that nice? I'm preparing a nice severance package for you. You don't want me angry when I'm writing you a check, do you?
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Lizzy: You screwed me. And I'm gonna do everything I can to pay you back.
Ari: Is it that time of the month for you Lizzy? Because I think that your hormones are making your brain forget WHO YOU'RE THREATENING.
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Ari: I did play a little [football] in high school. I was pretty good for a Jew.
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Ari: Barbara Miller has committed ten million dollars and agreed to work for free as the mascot. How about that? The L.A. Cougars.
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Ari (after hanging up on Katzenberg): Call my wife. I may even take her to dinner. You go to dinner as well on me. You got a girl?
Jake: Not right now.
Ari: Well you want cash for a hooker? Either way.
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Ari: Andrew! What a tragic time to be calling. I just landed an NFL team in Los Angeles and if you didn't blow your entire career up your nose you'd be banging cheerleaders up in a luxury box with us.
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Ari: Don't try to get intimate with me Jake, it makes me uncomfortable.
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Drama: Ping pong rally is on! It's gonna be a long day for Uncle Jesse.
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Drama: That's not my hat, is it bro?
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Ari: This family's going to own an NFL team and we're going to talk about it 24 hours a day.
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Lizzie: Ari, I'm not satisfied.
Ari: Sorry kid. I'm not the guy that's going to satisfy you.
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Ari: I would have spun Lloyd around if he was in front of me and if I could lift him.
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Jerry: How would you like to own an NFL team Mr. Gold?
Ari: I love you - I love it.
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Mrs. Ari: [This chandelier] is murano glass and it was originally owned by Sophie Loren.
Ari: I'd rather look at nude photos of her original body.
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Lizzy: I'm not asking you because I need you, but I'm on the verge of signing an executive producer from Glee.
Ari: I don't sing.
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Turtle: I like to be liked, and I hate to be hated.
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Drama: Look, E, I know we've had our ups and downs but I want you to know I appreciate this.
Eric: Have we had downs?
Drama: No, but we probably will if we work together.
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Lizzie: Anything else?
Ari: Yeah, button up. This is the NFL, not the NBA.
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Lizzie: You got the meeting?
Ari: Yeah.
Lizzie: Shit that's impressive.
Ari: Yeah. I'd blow myself if I were more flexible.
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Ari: You have three kids from three different men. You've slept with everyone's ex.
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Drama: You're a really good brother. I'm glad you didn't die.
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Ari: This is now the biggest agency in the world. And I'm the head of it. Which makes me the biggest agent in the world. Now, can anyone tell me why I chose to be the biggest agent in the world? It's so I can stop being a f**king agent. So don't tell me to show the love, that's what I pay you people for.
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Ari: Someone find out why we're not selling the NFL rights.
Agent: They do it internally.
Ari: Well they shouldn't so somebody get me a meeting
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Ari: E, long time hear. You married yet?
E: Yeah October Ari. I assume you'll be there?
Ari: Listen. Can I keep the little groom from the top of the cake just in case Sloan never lets you out of the house again? I could carry you around in my pocket like I always dreamed of.
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E: Come on Ari, you're the perfect picture of marital bliss.
Ari: Like a hostage with a machete to its neck you have to put on a good face for the camera.
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E: You represent the guy.
Ari: I represent everyone now, Eric.
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Ari: Well tell the school, that when they schedule a parent-teacher conference for 2:30 on a weekday, that's just their way of saying we don't care about daddy.
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Ari: Jesus Christ you all suck. If I wouldn't have a five year lease on this place I would shut it down and work out of a cardboard box by myself.
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Vincent: You know Will Smith did all his own stunts in Hancock?
Drama: Will's an athlete, bro. I bowled with him.
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Paul: They wanted someone prettier.
Drama: Dean Cain is prettier than me? [silence] Hello?
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Ari: Maybe they don't want to make a show with you Drama.
Drama: They gave me a holding deal.
Ari: The guy who grills my hot dog at Carney's had a holding deal in 1978.
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Ari [on Cassavetes]: He comes from a family of method actors. They'll eat glass if it's in the script.
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Ari: Even with a million-man army you sometimes have to do the grunt work yourself. Saddam Hussein had to hang a few without his assistants.
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