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Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of 
photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, what's the point?
%
Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
 [all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling 
all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you 
guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know 
why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!
%
Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth 
into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.
%
Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you 
are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
%
Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, 
hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, 
right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch 
of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or 
murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a 
tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy 
talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, 
you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? 
Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social 
responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.
%
Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right...Yeah...
%
Dennis: I don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go?
Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape 
Bar."
%
Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have 
cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to 
start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an 
omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!
%
Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you 
get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis:[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.
%
Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up 
there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
%
Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and 
scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all 
their inside business.
%
Charlie: OK, OK. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested 
and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing 
your places in hell.
Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.
%
Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort 
of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: 
Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks 
that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in 
the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.
%
Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people.
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the 
fish tank.
Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can 
carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense.
%
Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy 
all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam, that's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!
%
Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you 
running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.
%
Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and 
cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.
%
Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am 
promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.
%
Dennis: Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. 
I'd like some welfare, please.
%
Mac: Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, 
but I think I wanna bang her, man. I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis' and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!
%
Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...
Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe 
work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It 
doesn't unbang your Mom.
%
Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies
Sweet Dee: What did you say you little bitch!
%
Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not...
Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the 
bag?!
%
Frank: Hey gang, what's the action?
Dennis: What's going on here?
Frank: Asians love gambling!
Sweet Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Yeah, from Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.
%
Dennis: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse 
than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.
%
Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a 
man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.
%
Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that 
stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. 
So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.
%
Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and 
attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father.
%
Lady: Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?
Dennis: Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them 
fight the terrorists.
Lady: You're very handsome.
Dennis: Thank you ha ha.
Charlie: This is going very, very well man.
Dennis: I know people are really responding to me.
Charlie: They love the bone structure.
Mac: [walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been 
thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.
Charlie: What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back 
in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.
Dennis: Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.
Mac: Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?
Charlie: "What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.
Dennis: You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.
Mac: All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] 
Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.
Woman: Oh, thank you.
Mac: Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if 
that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.
Woman: Excuse me?
Mac: Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.
Woman: You know, I'd rather not.
Mac: [stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good 
for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.
Woman: You know what? Please leave me alone.
Mac: OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.
Woman: I said no!
Mac: Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]
Woman: Somebody help me!
Charlie: This is campaign suicide, dude...
Dennis: Let's get out of here.
%
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away 
from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
%
Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't 
succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
%
Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in 
the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick 
some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, 
I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!
%
Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to 
shove anything up our asses!
%
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!
Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.
%
Frank: After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.
Charlie: Really?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't 
tell you.
Frank: She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, 
because your mother was a giant whore.
%
Tanning Employee: You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base.
Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base.
%
Frank: This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.
Dee: Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your 
cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?
Frank: Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The 
memory haunts me.
%
Frank: I'm startin' to feel it.
Charlie: I bet you are, bud.
Frank: I'm feelin' weird.
Charlie: Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.
Frank: The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.
Charlie: That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.
Frank: I gotta go.
Charlie: Then go.
Frank: The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.
Charlie: Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.
Frank: I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.
Charlie: Oh my God.
Frank: I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?
Charlie: Annoyed.
Frank: Nothin' kickin' in yet?
Charlie: What are you talking about, the beer?
Frank: No, the acid.
Charlie: I did not take any acid, remember?
Frank: [laughing] Oh yeah you did.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Frank: I put a shitload of it in your beer.
Charlie: What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!
Frank: Yeah.
Charlie: I drank all that shit, dude!
Frank: That's OK.
Charlie: There was like a ton of acid in there!
Frank: Yeah!
Charlie: Why would you do that?!
Frank: I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.
Charlie: O Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so 
dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I 
want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, 
Margaret?
%
Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and 
fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.
%
Frank: I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
Dennis: Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
Frank: I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! 
Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]
%
Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
Dennis: That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good 
time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Dee: No, just get to the reading part.
Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go.
Lawyer: All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank: Yo!
Lawyer: OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] 
"Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know 
that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Dennis: What?!
Dee: What?!
Frank: Bruce Mathis?!
Lawyer: [reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Dee: Why are you giving it to him?!
Lawyer: I'm not--
Dee: She barely even knew him!
Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a 
will.
Frank: Where is that rat bastard?!
Lawyer: Sir, I don't know!
Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, 
Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Dennis: Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
Lawyer: "...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
Dennis: I would never let him in.
Frank: What?!
Lawyer: Deandra?
Dee: Yes.
Lawyer: "You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
Dee: A mistake? We're twins.
Lawyer: Yeah...
Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any 
sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, 
never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank: You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be 
buried in it.
Dee: Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset 
with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
Lawyer: You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the 
house...that's not how this whole situation works...
Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ.
%
Mac: You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just 
buckle down and join the team--
Dee: Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an 
old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And 
it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.
%
Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked 
"Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis: I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."
Charlie: Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in 
there?
Dennis: You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.
%
Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no shit.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.
%
Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at 
cats.
%
[In a retirement home]
Mac: These places are like prison...
Frank: Like people getting their ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting their ass raped!
%
Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get 
the money.
Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're 
talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
Charlie: How are you going to be wood?
%
Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way 
we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
Dennis: No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact I don't know 
what you would be because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often 
than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See a power bottom's actually generating all 
the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see the speed of the bottom informs the 
top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right buddy?
%
Charlie: OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.
Mac: And who are you supposed to be?
Charlie: Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Mac: Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring 
book?
Charlie: No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Mac : Whatever, let's just rock.
Frank: Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Charlie: All right, where's my curtain?
Mac: Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
Charlie: I want a curtain blocking my face.
Mac: You don't need one.
Frank: [to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Charlie: All right, ready.
Frank: 5, 6, 7, 8!
Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love 
you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I 
love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your 
strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I 
become the Night Man.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was 
kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
Charlie: It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I 
become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just 
two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing 
each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, 
and one is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's screaming a passionate shout. 
It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I 
can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I 
become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
Mac: We need a new front man...
%
Charlie: [singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in 
a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, 
starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie: Hello, come right in!
Dennis: I will.
Charlie: What happened to your band?
Dennis: Kicked me out.
Charlie: [laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, 
notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie: No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Dennis: I never know, man.
%
Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful 
dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get it...at all.
%
Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired and I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this 
whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into an 
alternate personality and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him 
out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!
%
Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, 
and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
%
Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we 
prepared?
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked 
people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
Wendell: All right, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]
%
Dee: What about you, Dennis?
Dennis: Well I...
Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac: Good.
Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
Frank: Yes, he is.
Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very 
important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want 
to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
%
Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee': No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from 
history times.
%
Dennis: You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank: Don't talk back to me.
Dennis: OK, sorry.
Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not 
going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis: You promise?
Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? 
You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK?
Dennis: OK.
%
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob 
because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!
%
[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.
%
Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people 
are counting on the police?!
%
Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean 
I don't do it every Friday.
%
Mac: What's up bitches?
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's 
brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.
%
Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are better left to 
the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!
%
Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching 
through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of 
cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your 
life in the way of John Rambo's life.
%
Charlie: Ya best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Dennis: You better leave because she called the cops.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Because the wild card decided to lose his damn mind.
Charlie: I say, I say, boy, that's just damn preposterous!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
%
Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't 
be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!
%
Charlie: Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.
Mac: Why would he not wear a C?
Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.
%
Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the 
proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. 
Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard.
%
Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing?...Wake me up if I'm peeing.
%
Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
%
Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.
%
Dennis: Yeah, I knew the whole time! During the funeral I heard you rustling through the 
air vents. Did you think you were being crafty? You were talking at full volume and looking at 
me through the vent. And I saw you outside my window. You know I can see through them?! I was 
just getting back at you.
Charlie: Oh. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like 
uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?
%
[In a club]
Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole...
%
[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: ...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy 
whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a 
few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you 
unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!
%
Dennis: All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you 
can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I just really hate this guy!
%
Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The 
headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make 
Himself Not Feel So Faggy."
%
Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's 
house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob 
Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his 
testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm 
pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats 
going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My 
bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, 
introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for 
you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!
%
Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.
%
Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the 
new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company 
millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play 
that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!
%
Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto 
a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to 
prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about 
the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe 
Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent 
back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! 
So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in 
the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming 
back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! 
There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta 
dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of 
Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I 
say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? 
There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the 
employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these 
people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're 
talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: Because we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs!
Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one 
for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means 
all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having 
a panic attack.
Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have a another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's 
freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the 
hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]
%
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Dee: He doesn't have a head, Charlie!
%
Dee: [aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?
Frank: Yes.
Dee: All right.
Frank: Shoot!
Dee: One, two, three..
Charlie: [comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you 
doing!?
Frank: I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna 
make us a fortune!
Charlie: All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.
Frank: Shoot the pumpkin.
Charlie: Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.
Dee: OK.
Charlie: Gimme the gun.
Dee: Fine.
Charlie: Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, 
and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!
Dee: Oh my God!
Charlie: Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Dee: You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch 
and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!
Charlie: [points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]
Dee: Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]
Frank: Gimme that gun!
Charlie: She cursed the gun!
Frank: [aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!
Charlie: [pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]
Frank: Nothin'!
Charlie: Try me! [strikes a pose]
Frank: [pulls trigger but still nothing happens]
%
Charlie: [about the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition] That show is basically about 
how awesome Sears is!
%
Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Hmmmmmmmmm...tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy!
%
Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's 
see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical 
and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about 
themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you 
something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I 
wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap 
on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you 
want to do? Song or no song?
%
Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll 
toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel 
like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write 
"soul", right?
Artemis: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.
%
Dennis: No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, OK, absolutely, we 
could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have 
a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so 
they wouldn't hear anything.....
Mac: In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
Dennis: Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of 
twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get 
the deed.
Charlie: Right, why get weird?
%
Dennis: Stop it.
Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't" and I'm not saying that you can't. 
I'm saying that it is illegal.
Dennis: No, but it's not illegal.
Charlie: Yes..says the guy who knows nothing about the law!
Dennis: I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet bro. It's no different than having a 
parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.
Charlie: You..you really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird 
law in this country, it's not governed by reason.
Dennis: There's no such thing as bird law.
Charlie: Yes, there is.
Dennis: You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.
Charlie: Hummingbirds...Hummingbirds are illegal tender.
Dennis: I'm going to get one.
Charlie: You cannot.
Dennis: To spite you, I'm going to get one.
Mac: Where are we with gulls?
Charlie: You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 
'cuz the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going 
to blast your eardrums out, dude.
Dennis: The principle here is that you can have any bird that you want.
%
Lawyer: It is just so nice to see you again Mr Reynolds I see that you're still just.... 
horrible.
Frank: Yes, you're horrible too and I hate your tie.
%
Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Mac: The stam and then the, and the core?!
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stam dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross.
Mac: Ofcourse it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude!
Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...
%
Charlie: We're crab people now Dee.
Dee: Crab people charlie?

[edit] The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention [5.04]

Dennis: By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine 
thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't 
feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god 
damn place.
%
Frank: I'm wearing clothes now bitch!
%
Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in 
here that wasps do make and I want that.
%
Charlie: Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's 
filled with hornets.
%
Dennis: Lets talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what 
would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk-steak.
Denis and Mac simultaneously: Hmm?
Dennis: What?
Charlie: Milk-steak.
Dennis: I’m not putting milk-steak.
Mac: Just put regular steak and then-
Charlie: Don’t put regular steak, put milk-steak, she’ll know what it is.
Dennis: No she won’t know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what’s your 
favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uhh…magnets.
Dennis: Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I’m just gonna put snowboarding. We’ll just put snowboarding.
Charlie: I don’t really snowboard.
Dennis: What are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uhh…ghouls
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?
Charlie: Just funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls buddies!
Mac: Don’t write ghouls!
Dennis: I’m not I’m putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?
Charlie: Peoples knees.
Dennis: Oh come on dude! Come on!
Mac: Bro, yo gotta be kid-you know what we’ll just make it all up.
Dennis: We’ll make the whole thing up.
Mac: We’ll doctor the picture.
Dennis: We aren’t even going to use you for this.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if your gonna be walking around everywhere.