path: root/parks-and-recreation.1-3

  — Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at 
me.
%
  — Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this 
parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I 
think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the 
park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck 
E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for 
Chuck E. Cheese.
%
  — Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.
  — Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your 
support?
  — Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool 
for the kids?
  — Mark: Oh, how old are your kids?
  — Man: No kids.
  — Tom: Uh-oh.
  — April: I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."
  — Mark: Don't do that.
  — Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? 
Because, y'know, I really can't move again.
  — Mark: April, please stand behind me.
%
  — Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck.
  — Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady.
%
  — Leslie: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that 
just ran out of steam.  We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - 
when we were shut down due to lack of funding.  To this day, I am haunted by 
those remaining penises.  One penis in particular...
%
  — Ron: Tommy boy.  Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble.
  — Tom: I know.  You're destroying me.
  — Ron: You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks 
at camera] And she's a bitch.
  — Tom: Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days.  I'm practicing.
  — Ron: Yeah, I doubt that.  [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and 
she's a serious bitch.
%
  — Tom: When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your 
power.  Have I ever given into that temptation?  No.  Never.  I'm not that kind 
of politician.

[cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart]

  — Tom: Official Parks and Rec business.  Just need to grab a quick hot dog. 
 [turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl.  You can get the 
next one.
%
  — Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room 
at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is 
chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, 
like a decathlon.  And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.
%
  — Leslie: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every 
acre.  This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel 
Bixby Mark.  He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians 
after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis.  They cut his face 
off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher.  And they made his legs into 
rainsticks.  And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used 
every part of the pioneer.
%
  — Ann: Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine 
Restrepo?
%
  — Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. When we 
started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat.  Then 
we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, 
Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With 
Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis 
Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin...  [long 
pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope.  We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow 
Boat.  God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...
%
[Mark goes up to Ron]

  — Mark: Hey Parks Department.
  — Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.
  — Beth: Nice to meet you.
  — Mark: Nice to meet you.  You guys are together?
  — Ron: Yep.  My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last 
week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we 
started dating.  It's like a fairy tale.
  — Beth: Tammy stinks.

[Mark goes up to Tom]

  — Tom: Brendanawicz!
  — Mark: Hey Tom.
  — Tom: Hey, I want you to meet my wife.
  — Wendy: Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.
  — Mark: [shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi.  You're...Tom's wife?
  — Wendy: Don't hold it against me.
  — Tom: Look at how hot she is!  Isn't that crazy?  And she's a surgeon!  
She makes a ton of money!  BAM!

[Mark goes up to April]

  — April: This is Derek.
  — Mark: Cool.  How long you guys been dating?
  — April: We're just friends.  He's like the gayest person I've ever met, 
but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.
  — Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.
  — April: I don't want to talk to you.
%

  — Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
  — Tom: Yes.  The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.
%
  — Leslie: Pawnee has a gay bar?
  — Ron: Yeah, The Bulge.
  — Everyone: ...
  — Ron: It's behind my house.
  — Leslie: The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there...
%
  — April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
  — Ben: Hey.
  — Leslie: Hey...oh...wait, sorry.  What's the situation?
  — April: What do you mean?
  — Leslie: How does this work?
  — April: Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and 
Ben's really gay for Derek.  And I hate Ben.
  — Derek: It's not that complicated.
%
  — Donna: Hey. Why are you all dolled up?
  — Leslie: Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar 
tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think 
I'm fabulous or something...
  — Donna: Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.
  — Leslie: Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down 
the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!
%
  — Leslie: [drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And 
they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are. 
And who they are is just stone-cold gay.
%
  — Ron: Have fun last night?
  — Leslie: I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben 
and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my 
actual bra size.
  — Ron: ...
  — Leslie: I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!
  — Ron: Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on 
Pawnee Today.
  — Leslie: Wow that's huge! What's the topic?
  — Ron: You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your 
resignation.
  — Leslie: No!
  — Ron: You gotta go on and defend yourself.
  — Leslie: Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.
  — Ron: That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.
  — Leslie: ...That was me.
%
  — Joan Callamezzo: So Marcia what's all this fuss about?
  — Marcia: The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating 
for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a 
pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.
  — Joan Callamezzo: Miss Knope, how do you respond?
  — Leslie: I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for 
anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just 
trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.
  — Joan Callamezzo: I have to say that that stunt that you did with the 
penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss 
Knope do to make it right?
  — Marcia: Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.
  — Joan Callamezzo: Of course not.
  — Marcia: We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the 
marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and 
then resign.
  — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to 
jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?
  — Marcia: Move to a different town! No, I kid.
%
  — Leslie: I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked 
marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was 
kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there 
wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.
%
  — Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess 
the ending of the movie.  And he would always guess that the main character had 
been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
%
[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office]

  — April: Do you live here?
  — Ron: April?
  — April: Yeah. Do you live here?
  — Ron: No.
  — April: Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] 
Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was 
something wrong with you so I came back.
  — Ron: It's just a minor medical issue.
  — April: AIDS?
  — Ron: ...No I'm safe.
  — April: Blindness?
  — Ron: ...No.
  — April: Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?
  — Ron: I have a hernia.
  — April: Do you have syphilis?
  — Ron: I said it's a hernia.
  — April: I know. It's possible to have two things.
%
  — Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I 
didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my 
life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. 
As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a 
sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.
%
[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him 
to the hospital. April enters.]

  — April: Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his 
keys. You ready?
  — Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
%
  — Tom: I had to call in a few favors.  But if you don't call in favors to 
look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you 
call in favors for?
%
  — Leslie: You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty 
rough and tumble in Pawnee.  This depicts kind of a famous fight between 
Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven.  The 
original title of this was "A Lively Fisting."  But y'know, they had to change 
it for...obvious reasons.
%
  — Councilman Dexhart [at his press conference] And to my wife, I apologize. 
All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful 
woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned. 
Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the 
underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. In 
my defense, it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
%
  — Mark: Hey hi there! What are you doing here?
  — Ann: Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
  — Mark: Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for 
a game that we're playing.
  — Ann: ...My taxes pay your salary right?
  — Mark: Yeah...
  — Ann: Cool.
%
  — Ann: And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."
  — Leslie: Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow 
night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, 
a pair of cargo pants?
  — Ann: Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.
  — Leslie: What about like a sexy hat?
  — Ann: I don't know what that even is.
  — Leslie: Helping already!
%
  — Leslie: Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?
  — Ann: Shoot!
  — Leslie: What if he asks me if I've been married?
  — Ann: Have you!?
  — Leslie: No.
  — Ann: Well then say that.
  — Leslie: But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what 
I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I 
say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?
  — Ann: Whoa.
  — Leslie: What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not 
enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!
%
  — Ann: Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-
  — Leslie: I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a 
table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But 
let me tell you something Ann! It never works!!
  — Ann: No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice 
date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.
  — Leslie: Ohhh! That's a way better idea!
%
  — Ann: You're 20 minutes late, I almost left!
  — Leslie: Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off.
  — Ann: What's your niece's name?
  — Leslie: Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a 
niece...My niece's name is Stephanie?
%
  — Jerry: Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid 
parking ticket.
  — Mark: That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive 
mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
  — Donna: Oh snap!
  — Jerry: What?
  — Mark: You didn't know that, huh?
  — Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted...
%
  — Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman?  What if one of my 
sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly?  What if instead of Tic-Tacs I 
accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay 
awake?
  — Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't 
happen.
  — Leslie: They have happened.  All of these have happened to me.

[cut to Leslie being interviewed]

  — Leslie: Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire 
bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy 
who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a 
guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. 
Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep 
he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my 
mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
%
  — Ann: You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.
  — Leslie: Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind 
is blank.
  — Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
  — Leslie: How big is it?
  — Ann: ...Really!?
  — Leslie: Oh my God.
%
  — Ann: Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if 
everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
  — Leslie: Well well well, you coy bastard.
%
  — Leslie: Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I 
nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at 
a guys house late at night...
%
  — April: Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on 
me yet? Hello!! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's 
video...That I took...On the internet!!
%
  — Leslie: Hey can I smoke in here?
  — Ron: You don't smoke.
  — Leslie: Just asking if I can.
  — Ron: Are you high?
  — Leslie: I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
  — Ron: That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm 
sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City 
Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!
  — Leslie: ...Ron I am so so so sorry!!
  — Ron: What the ka-fuck were you thinking?
%
[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages]

  — Leslie: [beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's 
your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want 
to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city 
hall...or call me back. Just call me back!

[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer? 
It's because of your lawyer.


[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I 
don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus 
now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall...


[beep]  HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN!


[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must 
go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall.

  — Tom: Hmm that was weird.
  — Leslie: How long have you been there!?
%
  — Leslie: I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.
  — Ann: Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on 
the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man 
who thinks like a gopher.
%
[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school]

  — Leslie: Greg Pikitis.
  — Greg: You're the parks lady right?
  — Leslie: Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here 
to tell you that this year, it ends.

[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]

  — Leslie: Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He 
absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the 
statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've 
never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, 
supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I 
really feel like it's this kid!

[Cut back to Leslie and Greg]

  — Leslie: Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a 
cop. So don't even try it!
  — Greg: I don't know what you're talking about.
  — Leslie: Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day.

[Leslie starts walking away]

  — Greg: Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great.
  — Leslie: Thank you...Ends today!
%
  — Ann: Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't 
have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own 
stomachs this year!!
%
  — Leslie: Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg 
Pikitis' house to the statue.
  — Ann: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial 
killer.
  — Leslie: In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.
%
[At the statue of Mayor Percy]

  — Leslie: Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true 
hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning 
building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.
  — Dave: Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?
  — Leslie: [sigh] He wasn't Superman.
  — Andy: He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?
  — Leslie: No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I 
just said?
  — Andy: ...Yes.
%
  — Leslie: You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.
  — Dave: Don't do that.
  — Leslie: Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.
  — Dave: Don't use excessive force.
  — Leslie: Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.
  — Dave: Nope.
  — Leslie: No, just stop him.
%
[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized]

  — Leslie: PIKITIS!!
%
  — Dave: We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been 
somebody else.
  — Leslie: It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?
  — Dave: That doesn't mean anything to me.
  — Leslie: This is a peach pit!
  — Dave: Okay.
  — Leslie: He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his 
ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his 
victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!!
  — Dave: We don't have a lab...
%
  — Dr. Harris: Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave.
  — Ann: Oh, Okay.
  — Dr. Harris: This isn't that fun.
  — Ann: Didn't need to tell me that.
%
  — April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here.  Do you know how 
much fun gay Halloween parties are?  Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make 
out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
%
  — Greg: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
  — Andy: Why don't you just shut up for a second!
  — Leslie: What's going on in here?
  — Andy: He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say 
to a human being!
  — Greg: Are you crying?
  — Andy: I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!!
%
  — Greg: Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night?
  — Leslie: Because I followed you genius!!
  — Greg: If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me!! 
Knope! What is your problem!!?
  — Leslie: Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!!!
%
[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house]

  — Dave: Leslie! What are you doing?
  — Leslie: Oh boy.
  — Greg's Real Mom: That's them officer! Right there!
  — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!
  — Greg's Real Mom: Why are you doing this!?
  — Leslie: It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on 
this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the 
address wrong!
  — Greg's Real Mom: I'm Greg's Mom.
  — Leslie: ...You are?
  — Greg's Real Mom: Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out 
of trouble?
  — Leslie: What!?
  — Greg's Real Mom: Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and 
hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB!! Greg! 
Gregory!!
  — Leslie: I knew it!!
  — Dave: Oh my God!
  — Andy: Dude! That kid is amazing!
%
[After catching Greg defacing the statue]

  — Leslie: How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!
  — Greg: Maybe the FBI can figure it out.
  — Andy: Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!
  — Greg: Wow. You're amazing.
  — Leslie: Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.
  — Dave: He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.
  — Leslie: Well we'll let the jury decide.
  — Dave: There's not going to be a jury...
  — Leslie: Then the Judge will decide where he goes!
  — Dave: He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...
  — Leslie: Dave just let me have this!
%
  — Leslie: News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.
  — Tom: Punk ass book jockeys!
  — Ann: Wait why do we hate the library?
  — Leslie: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in 
history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them 
very dangerous.
%
  — Mark: The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
  — Leslie: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates 
her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?
  — Tom: Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.
  — Leslie: Am I? I am.
%
  — Tom: I have never taken the high road.  But I tell other people to 'cause 
then there's more room for me on the low road.
%
  — Leslie: Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless 
bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of 
shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shhhing.
%
  — Ron: Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. 
That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in 
the world.
  — Leslie: I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can 
use. Does she have any weaknesses?
  — Ron: No.
  — Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
  — Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone 
in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
%
  — Ron: On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side 
so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last 
time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love 
what's the point of living?
%
  — Leslie: Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.
  — Tammy Two: You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.
  — Leslie: Excuse me?
  — Tammy Two: You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.
  — Leslie: That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty 
pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know 
what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and 
I'll see you in Hell!!
%
  — Leslie: I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set 
and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with 
asthma to watch other kids play.
  — Tammy Two: Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably 
wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.
  — Leslie: Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.
%
  — Ron: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of 
Satan's butthole?
%
  — Leslie: I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. 
Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.
  — Ron: You slept with Brendanawicz?
  — Leslie: ...No!
%
  — Tammy Two: It's really good to see you Ron.
  — Ron: You've aged horribly.
  — Tammy Two: You...son of a bitch!
  — Ron: That didn't take long.
  — Tammy Two: Oh my God!! What is your problem?!! Nothing's changed has it!!?
%
  — Ron: We didn't talk.  We made love.
  — Leslie: Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—
  — Ron: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers 
began. You know what I mean?
  — Leslie: Yeah...
  — Ron: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. 
The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.
  — Leslie: This seems like a private matter, but I'm—
  — Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis.
%
  — Ron: Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
  — Leslie: ...
  — Ron: I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really 
who cares?
  — Leslie: I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?
  — Ron: But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a 
park or a museum or a mega-church.
  — Leslie: ...Or a library.
  — Ron: ...Nobody said library.
  — Leslie: Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?
  — Ron: No, I swear on...a grave.
  — Leslie: Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?
  — Ron: Not giving. We have discussed a trade.
  — Leslie: For what!?
  — Ron: [mumbles something]
  — Leslie: Excuse me?
  — Ron: ...More sex.
%
  — Leslie: I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just 
using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
  — Tammy Two: Leslie that's crazy...and correct.
  — Leslie: Why are you doing this?
  — Tammy Two: Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are 
women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there 
are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an 
Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
  — Leslie: [being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra 
over Eleanor Roosevelt!!!???
  — Tammy Two: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you 
could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. 
You should come join us sometime.
%
  — Ron: You've gotta help me break up with her.
  — Leslie: I don't think I should get involved in this.
  — Ron: Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" 
"She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"
%
  — Leslie: So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or 
would you rather wait outside?
  — Ron: In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.
  — Leslie: Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye 
contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted 
plant. Can you do that?
%
  — Leslie: So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end 
this relationship.
  — Tammy Two: Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for 
him?
  — Ron: She volunteered.
  — Tammy Two: Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to 
do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself 
around me like a coiled snake.
%
  — Ron: I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.
  — Leslie: God Ron, you have to!
  — Tammy Two: Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And 
we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is 
all about.
  — Leslie: No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.
  — Tammy Two: Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating 
you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and 
face.
%
  — Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—
  — Tom: You said "murinal!"

[Everyone laughs]

  — Jerry: No, I didn't.
  — Ann: Yes, you did.  You said "murinal."  I heard it.
  — Jerry: Anyway, she—
  — April: Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people 
can murinate all over it?
  — Tom: Jerry, go to the doctor.  You might have a murinary tract infection.

[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated]

  — Jerry: ...Just wanted to show you my art...
  — Everyone: Murinal!  Murinal!  Murinal!
  — Leslie: Disqualified!

[cut to Jerry being interviewed]

  — Jerry: It's Pointillism.  And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the 
town—
  — Tom: [from other room] No one cares!  At all!
%
  — Leslie: Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader.  So I made a bold 
decision: we're playing it safe.
%
  — Leslie: The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and 
deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they 
let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys 
in the office.
  — Tom: Not all the guys. He's never taken me.
  — Leslie: Fine. All the men.
%
  — Leslie: Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies 
to be included on your hunting trip.
  — Ron: Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie.
  — Leslie: You're literally listening to turkey calls!
  — Ron: Oh is this not rap?
%
  — Ron: Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab 
a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.
  — Mark & Jerry: Here here!
  — Leslie: And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find 
the beast within.

[everyone except Ron cheers]

  — Tom: Ron your toast sucked.
%
  — Ann: Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together.
  — Leslie: Oh Ann, I always forget since your so pretty you're not used to 
rejection.
%
  — Leslie: Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?
  — Ron: I was shot in the head with a shotgun!!
  — Ann: Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm 
okay?
  — Ron: Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry!!! I find that relaxes me!!!
%
  — Ann: Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?
  — Ron: When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is 
that normal?
  — Leslie: Is that normal?
  — Ann: Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it 
for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?
  — Ron: Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows 
the empty bottle of scotch]
  — Ann: No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge 
right now okay?
  — Ron: No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.
  — Ann: Can you open his mouth Leslie?
  — Leslie: What?
  — Ann: Open his mouth!
  — Leslie: Okay.
  — Ron: I'm not making myself throw up.
  — Ann: Ron you have to.
  — Leslie: I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!
  — Ron: I will bite you!!
  — Ann: Grab his mustache!!
  — Leslie: OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!
  — Ron: AHHHHHHHH!!!!
%
  — Tom: On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?
%
  — Leslie: I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with 
Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at 
something they love.
%
  — Leslie: Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they 
shot Ron in the head.
  — Tom: Maybe Ron shot himself.
  — Leslie: Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.
  — Mark: He was shot in the back of the head!
  — Leslie: You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot 
himself there!
  — Tom: It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our 
group.
  — Jerry: You think someone is hunting us?
  — Tom: Man is the most dangerous game.
  — Donna: For the Predator!!
  — Tom: I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.
  — Leslie: That was pine trees.
  — Donna: The predator can see heat.
  — Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.
%
[After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron in the head, the Parks Ranger 
thinks it all has to do with her being a woman]

  — Park Ranger: So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the 
entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
  — Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter.
  — Park Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?
  — Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my 
gun went off.
  — Park Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.
  — Leslie: Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I 
saw a quail and I shot at it.
  — Park Ranger: In mid-trip?
  — Leslie: No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. 
That's what happened, end of story.
  — Park Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the 
excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?
  — Leslie: [jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best 
of me.

I just, I cared too much, I guess.


I was thinking with my lady-parts.


I was walking and I felt something icky.


I thought there was gonna be chocolate.


I don't even remember.


I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it 
threw me off.


All I wanna do is have babies!.


Are you single?


I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.


I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.


This would not happen if I had a penis!


[While putting on lipstick] What?


Bitches be crazy.


I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

%
  — Ron: You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch 
it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the 
head.
  — Leslie: Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.
  — Ron: Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's 
restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.
  — Leslie: Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you-
  — Ron: Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did 
that!!
%
  — Ron: Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate 
examined you could come by and shoot me in the head.
%
  — Ron: [to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I 
lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron.
  — Tom: Dude Ron I'm so sorry.
  — Ron: Apology not accepted moron.
%
  — Leslie: The fourth floor is awful! The DMV, Divorce Filings, Probation 
Offices ugh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, 
but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their 
throats replaced.
%
  — Jerry: There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is 
called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 
years.
%
  — Waiter: You ready to order?
  — Donna: Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap.
  — Leslie: I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please.
  — Waiter: How do you want that cooked?
  — Leslie: Medium Roar.
  — Waiter: Medium rare?
  — Leslie: No, medium roar.
  — Waiter: For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the 
temperature of the meats anymore.
%
  — Ron: Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be 
some potential with me and Wendy.  Would it be okay with you if I asked her out 
once the fake dust settles?
  — Tom: Yeah.  Why not?  Sure.
  — Ron: Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size 
for me. I'm gonna take a leak.
  — Tom: ...
%
  — Ron: This seems like none of our business.
  — Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am 
a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."
  — April: That was a really good Ron.
  — Leslie: Thank you.
%
  — Bill Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new 
scandal that's about to break.  Who told you?  Was it the babysitter?  Was it 
the nurse who delivered our love child?
  — Leslie: What?
  — Bill Dexhart: Stop playing dumb.  You know damn well what happened.  I 
got the babysitter pregnant.  And when she was in the delivery room I had sex 
with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose 
husband was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you?  
Was it the liver lady?
  — Leslie: Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this.  Ever. 
 In my whole life.
  — Bill Dexhart: Oh!
  — Leslie: Believe me I would have remembered this.
  — Bill Dexhart: Okay.  Well, in that case, everything I just told you was 
just a funny prank.
%
  — Ron: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers.  Apparently sanitation 
didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.
  — April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
  — Ron: Not in this town, sweetheart.  In this town, they're 24/7.  We can't 
have raccoons for the Christmas thing.  They'll hunt the kids for sport.
%
  — Ann: What is your ideal man?
  — Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.
%
  — Tom: Ronald, I've done it.  I've found your assistant and he's dope.  His 
name is Jean-Ralphio.  Jean-Ralphio!
  — Jean-Ralphio: Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute 
honor to meet you.  Two, who is that hot intern chick out there?  Because 
honestly, daaaaaaamn!
  — Ron: Uh, take a seat.
  — Jean-Ralphio: Right, here we go.
  — Ron: So Jean-Ralphio...
  — Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here.  Leave a message after the beep.
  — Ron: Why do I want you as my assistant?
  — Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs.  And that's just 
for starters.  I will work for you.  I'll be on you 24/7.  I'll be like your 
family.  I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there 
tucking you into bed at night.  Don't worry, it's not gay.  Do we have 
questions?
  — Tom: I think our only question is when can you start?
  — Jean-Ralphio: Right now.  Let's do it.
  — Ron: Thank you for coming in.  We will talk.
  — Jean-Ralphio: Cool.  I feel good about this.  Hey, you know you can hit 
me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?
  — Tom: Take care, buddy.
  — Jean-Ralphio: Boom.
  — Tom: So what do you think of your new assistant?
  — Ron: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.
%
  — Applicant: Sorry what do I get out of this?
  — Tom: Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee.
  — Applicant: I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?
  — Tom: I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, 
"it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."
%
  — Tom: Justin is hip.  Pawnee is the opposite of hip.  People in this town 
are just now getting into Nirvana.  I don't have the heart to tell them what's 
going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.
%
  — Ann: This newspaper's from November 1986.
  — Leslie: The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.
  — Ann: I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away 
from herself.
%
[Watching the NutriYums Ad]

  — Leslie: Wow that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they're all 
wearing vests.
%
  — Tom: Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm 
moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...
  — Andy: [immediately] Can I help you move?  I'm really good at it. 
Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.
  — April: I'll go, too.
  — Tom: Really?  'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex 
tape of your grandparents.
  — April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not?
  — Tom: Alright. See you guys later.
  — Andy: I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make 
love.
%
  — Tom: Can't believe these things are healthy.
  — Andy: It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.
  — Donna: No they're not.
  — Andy: Yeah they actually have rice in them so...
  — Donna: Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.
%
  — Ann: Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee 
is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just 
husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em.
%
[Leslie and Ann are at the library]

  — Leslie: I hate it here, this place is evil.
  — Ann: I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label.
  — Leslie: Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something 
interesting. Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out
  — Ann: They have sensors! Just check them out it's free.

[They walk up to the front desk]

  — Leslie: Hi Marcy.
  — Marcy: Leslie!! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? 
Oh I guess not! It's a movie.
  — Leslie: Your pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of 
the internet.
  — Marcy: ...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called 
MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.
  — Leslie: NO I DON'T!
  — Marcy: Yeah. You do.
  — Leslie: ...Ann grab the movies!!! GO! GO! GO! GO!

[Leslie makes a huge mess as she and Ann run away]

  — Leslie: PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!!
%
  — Ron: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you 
want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, 
you can.  You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
%
[After Ann's presentation at the public forum]

  — Ann: Any questions?
  — Man #1: If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?
  — Ann: Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes?
  — Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and 
muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.
  — Ann: Right. [turns to someone else]
  — Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. 
Syrup comes from a bush.
  — Ann: Oh boy. [turns to someone else]
  — Man #3: How do we know you're really a nurse?
  — Ann: I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's.
  — Man #3: Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number 
so he can have it.
  — Ann: Yeah that's not gonna happen.
  — Man #3: Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.
  — Ann: Oh my God. No!
  — Man #4: I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and 
mayonnaise sandwiches.
  — Ann: That's not a good idea.
  — Man #4: Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant]
  — Ann: [to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week.
  — Leslie: I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than 
usual!
%
  — Leslie: Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't 
you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their 
bodies? Right everybody?
  — Random Citizen: Is Shoelace here!!?? Where's Shoelace!!?
  — Nick Newport Jr.: Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this 
nice lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver?
  — Denver: Everybody! Check under your seats!

[Everyone finds free Sweetums stuff under their seats  and starts cheering]

  — Leslie: Denver you little son of a bitch.
%
  — Leslie: It's not just a job, gang.  We're gonna learn a lot from these 
seniors.  Some of them have been married for half a century.  And, no offense, 
but everybody here is terrible at love.  [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to 
April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and 
Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.
  — Jerry: I've been happily married for 28 years.  You've met my wife Gayle 
many times.
  — Leslie: Whatever.
%
  — Wendy: Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you 
did for me, but I only see us as friends.
  — Tom: For now.  But think how much better our friendship would be if we 
added...doin' it.
%
  — Leslie: They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.
  — Ron: What's going on?
  — April: You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.
  — Ron: ...Well it's about time.
%
  — Andy: You're like an angel with no wings.
  — April: So like a person...
%
  — Leslie: I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake.
  — Ron: [sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a 
mistake!?
  — Leslie: I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give 
that award to women.
  — Ron: Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter.
  — Leslie: Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project.
  — Ron: Ah yes Camp Xena.
  — Leslie: Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name.
  — Ron: Well I almost got it. I was pretty close.
  — Leslie: No.
%
  — Leslie: How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take 
care of that did you?
  — Ron: Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.
  — Leslie: That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.
  — Ron: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won 
an award.
%
  — Leslie: Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and 
miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for 
her achievements. What do you have Ron!?
  — Ron: I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in 
female stuff.
  — Leslie: Dorothy Everton Smyth!! I swear to God...
%
  — Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.
  — Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.
%
  — Tom: Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?
  — Jerry: Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my 
wife.
  — Tom: Jerry get out.
%
  — Elise Yarktin: The media has all but written us off as a niche interest 
group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as 
yourself well then eventually people take notice.
  — Ron: I don't want the damn thing.
  — Elise Yarktin: Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take 
it...like a man. So congratulations!

[cut to Leslie being interviewed]

  — Leslie: The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the 
kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists 
like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?
%
  — Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely 
Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. 
I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right 
here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the 
club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura 
Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just 
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, 
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?
  — Donna: I'm out.
  — Tom: Why?!
  — Donna: I hate that guy.
%
  — Elise Yarktin: Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.
  — Leslie: Ugh get over yourself Elise.
  — Ron: Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.
%
  — Leslie: Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole 
of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks 
department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on 
the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school 
cafeteria.
%
  — Leslie: Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.
  — Eugene: We'll get to it first thing Monday.
  — Leslie: Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.
  — Andy: We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.
  — Leslie: Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my 
task force.
  — Eugene: That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.

[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background]

  — Tom: Isn't that them there?
  — Eugene: Nope.
  — Tom: Yo Brett!
  — Brett: Yo!
  — Harris: Dude!
  — Leslie: Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you 
rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?
  — Eugene: Okay!
%
  — Ron: Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.
  — Mark: Thank you.
  — Ron: You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.
  — Mark: Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.
  — Ron: Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.
  — Mark: There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got 
hazardous chemicals over here.
  — Ron: Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the 
right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his 
own car?
  — Mark: There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning 
stove.
  — Ron: Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is 
totally up to your precious code.
  — Mark: Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.
  — Ron: Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the 
government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch 
yourself.

[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out]

  — Ron: Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?
%
  — Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, 
you don't have time to think.  So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy.  
Act."
  — Tom: So you weren't thinking.
  — Andy: Not at all.  I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
%
  — Evelyn: What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?
  — Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we 
caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.
  — Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum.  And the sooner it's dead, 
the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
  — Leslie: ...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?
  — Evelyn: No!
  — Leslie: No.
  — Evelyn: He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the 
urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it 
forever.
  — Leslie: Ew.
%
[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]

  — Tom: This thing is a mess.
  — Carl: WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY.  THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO 
THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS.  THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO.  THERE WAS URINE 
EVERYWHERE.  AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.
  — Tom: What’s this one?
  — Carl: THIS IS THE SECOND ONE.  THE RACCOON PISS ONE.
%
  — Leslie: Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?
  — Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]

  — Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do 
for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
%
  — Joan Callamezzo: That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like 
that again!! This is Pawnee Fucking Today!!! Do you know that I bumped a cat 
that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my 
sight.
  — Leslie: Yes ma'am.
%
  — Leslie: Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson.  
Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park.  I think we should 
just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.
  — David: I thought you were dead, Clarence.
  — Clarence: No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your 
wife.
  — David: Screw you, you old coot.
  — Michael: Classic David.  You're worse than Ron.
  — Ron: Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.
  — Leslie: OK great, let's go!
%
  — Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?
  — April: The super old one.
  — Andy: Really?
  — April: Mm-hm.  I'm an eyebrow girl.  I want to make out with him and chew 
his eyebrows off.
%
  — Ron: Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!
  — Leslie: I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time 
City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying 
to alter a gazebo!
%
  — April: Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire 
and create a diversion!
%
  — Ron: So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.
  — Ann: I don't even work in this building.
  — Ron: Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
  — Jerry: [walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?
  — Ron: No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.
%
  — Citizen: Your department banned me from attending games just because I 
yell "You Suck" at the players.
  — Ron: According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.
  — Citizen: WHO SUCK!!! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!?!
%
  — Citizen: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
  — April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.
  — Citizen: Oh.
  — April: I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I 
have this meeting with you.
%
  — Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red 
tape.
  — April: Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
  — Woman: Tell me about it.
  — April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go 
right to the commissioner on this one.
  — Woman: You know what?  I haven't thought of that. That is a really great 
idea.
  — April: Yeah?
  — Woman: I'm gonna do that.
  — April: OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
  — Woman: Good luck there!
  — April: My thoughts exactly!

[Cut to April being interviewed]

  — April: I have no idea what I was saying.
%
  — Ron: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from 
Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
%
  — Man: I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car 
trouble.
  — April: Sorry he's busy right now.

[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office]

  — Man: Oh Uh...well can I reschedule?
  — April: Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?
  — Man: Sorry?
  — April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available 
then.
  — Man: What is going on?
  — April: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember 
Oneteenth. Does that work sir?

[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without 
answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval]

%
  — Leslie: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access 
station to raise money for diabetes research.  And it’s important because 
Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and 
certain parts of the Mall of America.
%
  — Ron: I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors.  I'm not big 
on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man 
to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
%
  — Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in 
with me.
  — Leslie: Why, is something wrong?
  — Mark: No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
  — Leslie: [gasps]
  — Mark: I love her and I want a partner and....
  — Leslie: [interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, 
you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air 
balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you 
ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me 
Ann."
  — Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
  — Leslie: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they 
have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
  — Mark: So you think I should do it though?
  — Leslie: Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get 
ten eagles.
  — Mark: Leslie...
  — Leslie: No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.
%
  — Chris: I take care of my body above all else.  Diet, exercise, 
supplements, positive thinking.  Scientists believe that the first human being 
who will live 150 years has already been born.  I believe I am that human being.
%
  — Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days 
just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her.  Turns out, it 
was the wrong house.  She loved the story anyway.  We got to third base. Over 
the pants.
%
  — Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I 
felt like I needed a sign.  And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going 
to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons 
took a [bleep] on me.  And I was indoors.  So...
%
  — Ron: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the 
city budget.  Just saying that gave me a semi.
%
  — Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists 
who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
%
  — Lucy: My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and 
communists. He hated both.
%

  — Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years.  
It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.  
Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is 
poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.  Rage.  Poise.  
Property rights.  Fish: for sport only, not for meat.  Fish meat is practically 
a vegetable.
%
  — Ann: So are you happy to be back at work?
  — Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero.  I tried to buy 
fertilizer the other day for the soccer field.  Request denied.  We literally 
can't buy [bleep].
%
  — April: I want another nurse.
  — Ann: Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.
  — April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right?
  — Ann: Yep. nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
  — April: Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty.
%
  — Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick.
  — Leslie: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in 
there!
  — Jerry: No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all 
sweaty.
  — Leslie: You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time!! What's your 
excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?
  — Jerry: ...No.
%
  — Leslie: I'm not sick I just have allergies okay! I took a claritin and I 
threw that up. So I took another one and I threw that up. And then I took a 
third and it stayed down! I'm getting better.
%
  — Ben: Who's your doctor?
  — Leslie: Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.
%
  — Chris: Stop...POOPING.
%
  — Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says 
you could have…network connectivity problems.
%
  — Ann: 104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you.
  — Leslie: [flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this.

[she just sits there and does nothing]

  — Ann: ...What are you doing?
  — Leslie: [flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them?
  — Ann: No.
%
  — Leslie: [flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't 
have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.
%
  — Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! 
[exasperated] My body is a microchip...
%
  — Andy: They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy 
last year.
  — Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado."
%
  — Ann: What are you doing?
  — Leslie: Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent 
better. Good as new.

[Leslie puts her pants around her neck like a scarf]

  — Leslie: Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also 
don't wanna look too schlubby.
  — Ann: Get back in that bed.
  — Leslie: So no to the scarf?
  — Ann: Get back in the bed
  — Leslie: No, I'm going to that meeting!
  — Ann: Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done 
it before, don't test me!!

[Leslie reluctantly climbs back into bed]

%
  — Ron: I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this 
department...and that includes the men.
%
  — Ann: Hey have you seen Leslie?
  — Chris: [deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my 
flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in 
the wall.
  — Ann: ...The door?
%
[After Leslie escapes the hospital to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting]

  — Leslie: Ben Wyatt! Hello!
  — Ben: Uhh hi Leslie...
  — Leslie: Good to see you!
  — Ben: You too...

[They shake hands]

  — Ben: Wow you're really burning up.
  — Leslie: Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please?
  — Ben: Sure, how much?
  — Leslie: I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian 
hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate?
  — Ben: ...
  — Leslie: So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful.
  — Ben: What?
  — Leslie: The floor and the wall just switched.
  — Ben: ...Okay.
  — Leslie: Walk very carefully.
%
  — Leslie: Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening 
everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.
  — Ben: Okay I wouldn't open with that.
%
  — Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 
NBA Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer 
off of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope.
%
  — Business Owner: Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used 
to?
  — Leslie: That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own 
question which is: why is half of your face all swirly?
  — Ben: Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting 
right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards 
me.
  — Leslie: Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap!
  — Ben: Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage]
%
  — Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital.
  — Leslie: [In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? 
Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send 
it post hence?
  — Tom: ...
%
  — Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The 
Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome 
German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. 
"Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese 
Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town 
was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead.  Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: 
It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a 
lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous 
Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our 
current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."
%
  — Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, 
sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances.  And if I had an hour alone 
with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell 
you that much.
%
  — Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure 
I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.
%
[Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing 
off her thong.]

  — Leslie: [gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! 
Abort! Abort!
  — Ron: Hello Tammy.
  — Tammy Two: Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking 
myself for scoliosis.
  — Ron: And?
  — Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?

[Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively]

  — Ron: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life 
I have never checked a book out of the library.

[Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky]

  — Leslie: Oh my God she's amazing...
  — Ron: [chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior 
would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.
  — Tammy Two: A relationship!? With whom!?
  — Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
  — Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore.
%
  — Leslie: Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk 
toppings.
  — Andy: Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best 
toppings.
  — Leslie: Nice.
  — Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
  — Tom: Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
  — Leslie: Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.
%
  — Ben: Okay. How about some calzones?
  — Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb 
and so was that idea.
  — Ben: Seriously?
  — Tom: This is embarrassing for you.
%
  — Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, 
psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.
%
  — Ron: Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.
  — Ben: Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look 
at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.
  — Ron: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.
  — Ben: Ugh!
%
  — Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, 
corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this 
message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I 
love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, 
Levandrious, who I hate!
%
[Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two 
again.]

  — Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it 
means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're 
probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only 
thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your 
privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get 
rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.
%
  — Ron: Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In 
fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our 
honeymoon.
  — Jerry: Wow! Where ya going?
  — Leslie: Jerry!
  — Ron: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
  — Tammy Two: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts 
for energy.
  — Leslie: Oh God!
%
[After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth]

  — Ron: Tammy! That's enough!
  — Tammy Two: Hey Baby!
  — Ron: You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, 
defenseless little man...
  — Tom: Hey!
  — Ron: ..reminded me what kind of monster you are.
  — Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the 
way, last night I faked four out of the seven.
  — Ron: [Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.

[Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out]

%
  — The Douche: Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and 
Tom Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an 
upcoming event called the Harvest Festival.
  — Leslie: Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun 
meets awesome...meets agriculture.  And it is gonna be next month right here in 
Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
  — Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?
  — The Douche: Oh, that's right - to your mom!

[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean 
your room!"]

  — Leslie: There's also going to be hay rides.
  — The Douche: "Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.

[China Joe plays more moaning sounds]

  — Tom: China Joe, you are a poet!
%
  — April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear 
April's grandmother."  I said grandfather.
  — Andy: Oh, oops.  OK.
  — April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman."  Man.  "I hope someday I 
can become half the woman you are."  He's a man.  "Thank you for the $500."  It 
was five dollars.  "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD."  He is deaf.
  — Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?
%
  — Ron: I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home 
to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I 
have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.

[starts going through the album]


June 2004. Porterhouse, medium-rare, Bearnaise sauce.


January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer."


February '96. The steak: Rib-Eye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to 
me: a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy.


Okay. This is, the first time I ever went there. Oh look at me! I'm just a kid!

%
  — Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
  — Leslie: What!? That lying bastard!! Wait, how do you know?
  — Ann: I don't actually have any actual proof.
  — Leslie: Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a 
monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will 
kill him.
%
  — Leslie: Well he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high 
school they used to call me Angela Lansbury...but that was because of my 
haircut.
%
[After the group finds Mulligan's shut down by the Health Department]

  — Ron: They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I 
should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they 
closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten?
%
  — April: I can get free drinks anytime I want.
  — Andy: How?
  — April: Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to 
her] Hey.
  — Guy: Hey.
  — April: I hate drinking alone.
  — Guy: Can I get you a drink?
  — April: Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey.
  — Guy: What's your name?
  — April: Oprah!
  — Guy: I'm Kevin.
  — April: Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone.
  — Guy: But-
  — April: I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye!

[turns back to Andy]

  — April: Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that 
idiot.
%
  — Leslie: So Chris do you have any sisters?
  — Chris: No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters?
  — Leslie: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?
  — Chris: No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?
  — Leslie: Any aunts?
  — Chris: Nope. You have aunts?
  — Leslie: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps?
  — Chris: Nope.
  — Ron: Did you forget how to have a conversation?
%
  — Leslie: So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time?
  — Chris: Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up 
on current events.
  — Leslie: Oh that's what you call it?
  — Chris: Sorry?
  — Leslie: How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? 
She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder 
probably.
%
  — Tom: Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.
  — Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were 
more spiritual-
  — Tom: SHUT UP YOU NERD!!
  — Ben: I get it. Okay.
%
  — Ron: [lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!!
  — Leslie: Ron!?
  — Ron: What in the Devil's name is this!!??
  — Chris: Portobello Mushrooms!
  — Ron: Where's the steak!!??
  — Chris: Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically 
grown.
  — Ron: ...[starts to faint]
%
[April puts on a Snakehole shirt and pretends to be a waitress]

  — April: Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve.
  — Bartender: Do you work here?
  — April: Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.
%
  — Andy: This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club 
and give to ourselves.
%
  — Leslie: Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never 
been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with 
her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does 
kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.
%
  — Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and 
broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I 
tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he 
left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, 
and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again.  One 
guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together.  Skywriting isn't 
always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine 
and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything.  
Rebecca's coming."  And then he broke up with me.
  — Ann Who's Rebecca?
  — Leslie: Exactly.
%
  — Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.  Wait, wait.  I'm 
worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs."  What I 
said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have".  Do you understand?
%
  — Leslie: I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're 
amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially 
ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and 
gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!

[Everyone freaks out with excitement]

  — Ron: Well done Leslie! Well done!!

[Cut to leslie being interviewed]

  — Leslie: Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 
1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was 
the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!

[Cut back to the office]

  — Ben: So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?
  — Tom: He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.
  — Ben: Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?
  — Ron: Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.
  — Leslie: We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 
25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's 
going to look after him.
  — Jerry: Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my 
Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?
  — Leslie: Isn't it amazing!
  — Ben: Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.
  — Everyone: ...
  — Leslie: Get out!
%
  — Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love 
Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses.
%
  — Donna: Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man?
  — Ann: Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't 
even realize he did it.
  — Donna: I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing 
okay?
  — Ann: Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I 
was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some 
dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did 
this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out 
kind of stuff.
  — Donna: Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm 
going to recommend you bottle that noise up.
  — Ann: ...That's what my mailman said.
%
  — April: Hey, I love you.
  — Andy: Dude, shut up!  That is awesomesauce!
%
  — Beefy Dude: I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.
  — Ann: You're not sick.
  — Beefy Dude: Maybe you should check out my abs.
  — Ann: Are you experiencing abdominal pain?
  — Beefy Dude: Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel.
  — Ann: Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh.
  — Beefy Dude:  What are you doing tonight?
  — Ann: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
  — Beefy Dude: Your loss.

[Ann walks over by Donna]

  — Donna: Are you gonna hit that?
  — Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
  — Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.
%
  — Jerry: [referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, 
they're probably dead.
  — Tom: Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.
  — Jerry: For the last time--
  — April: Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
  — Andy: Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?
  — April: Ron, can you tell Andy--
  — Ron: Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I 
love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows 
you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that 
you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l 
Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?
  — Andy: [to April] I do love you, you know.
  — April: You do?
  — Andy: Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.
%
  — Beefy Dude: It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses 
are total grenades.
  — Ann: Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here 
and make out with me until the lights come back on.
  — Beefy Dude: Hell yeah!
  — Ann: Beat it Donna.

[Donna smiles and walks out]

%
  — Ron: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do 
some fishing.  Fishing relaxes me.  It's like yoga except I still get to kill 
something.
%
  — Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it 
would inspire me.
  — Ann: [reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy."  That 
sounds nice.
  — Leslie: It was.
%
  — Chris: Hey gang!
  — Leslie: Hey, what did you bring?
  — Chris: I was in charge of the cake.  To be fair, it's not a cake so much 
as it is a vegetable loaf.  You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your 
spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
  — Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake?
  — Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
  — Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived 
everyone of cake!
  — Leslie: Take a walk, Ron.
%
  — Andy: Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me 
the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over 
there, uh, hence.
  — Ron: What?
  — Andy: Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.
%
[Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at]

  — Ann: Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are 
horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What?
  — Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There 
are no friends here! It's every woman for herself.
  — Ann: ...You're joking right?
  — Donna: Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a 
man, I don't get that man.
  — Ann: I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous 
in my life.
  — Donna: Here's some more advice. Beat it!
%
  — Ron: Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and 
you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do.
%
  — Ann: Hi, I'm Ann.
  — Ryan: Ryan.
  — Ann: What's your occupation?
  — Ryan: I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.
  — Ann: No way me too!
  — Ryan: Seriously!? Which one?
  — Ann: No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you.
  — Ryan: ...What are you drinking?
  — Ann: Hahahaha yeah...
  — Ryan: What?
  — Ann: Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you.
  — Ryan: So you just laughed and said "yeah?"
  — Ann: Yeah...

[Donna cuts in]

  — Donna: Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in 
my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?
  — Ann: I told you, I'm Rusty!
%
  — Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.
  — Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
  — Tom: Sure.
  — Jean-Ralphio: OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke.  
Joke.  Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
  — Tom: Swingers or Crashers?
  — Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus.  Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from 
Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of 
that bitch.
%
  — Natalie: [Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But 
Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone 
has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks.

[Walks off stage]

%
  — Ann: [Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.
  — Donna: That went better, right!?
  — Ann: Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...

[Donna grimaces]

  — Ann: I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting 
married.
  — Donna: So?
  — Ann: So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long 
time.
  — Donna: [Sarcastically] Alright...
  — Ann: What!?
  — Donna: "What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.
  — Ann: I'm a nurse actually...
  — Donna: Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your 
attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you 
didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking 
at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?
  — Ann: ...Alright.
%
  — Ron: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax 
and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do 
not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.
%
  — Tom: Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
  — Leslie: What? Oh boy.

[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe]

  — Leslie: Hi Joe.
  — Sewage Joe: What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? 
Van's out back, let's roll.
  — Leslie: Where is this coming from!?
  — Sewage Joe: I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's 
driving me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come 
on down to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.
  — Leslie: Great. Okay.

[Leslie turns around to leave]

  — Sewage Joe: Liking the view.

[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away]

  — Sewage Joe: Still got it Joe.
  — Leslie: No you don't!
%
  — Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger?
  — Ron: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then 
yes. Delicious.
%
[Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile]

  — Leslie: Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.
  — Ann: [typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
  — Leslie: Much better.
  — Ann: Hobbies?
  — Leslie: Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming 
on my planner!
  — Ann: Favorite place?
  — Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a 
bench in front of it.
  — Ann: ...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the 
Grand Canyon...
  — Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
  — Ann: What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
  — Leslie: Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!
  — Ann: Okay what do you think of dogs?
  — Leslie: Love!
  — Ann: Cats?
  — Leslie: Love!
  — Ann: Fish?
  — Leslie: Love!
  — Ann: Turtles?
  — Leslie: ...No opinion.
  — Ann: ...
  — Leslie: They're condescending.
  — Ann: Describe your ideal man.
  — Leslie: He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.
  — Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
  — Leslie: Mmmmm.
%
  — Craig: [on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I 
help you?
  — Leslie: Craig your service is crap!!
  — Craig: Can you be more specific?
  — Leslie: Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like 
him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a 
little sister to me.
  — Craig: We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands 
of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.
  — Leslie: Really? Well that's not gonna last.
  — Craig: Excuse me?
  — Leslie: You heard me! Your marriage is a sham!! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]
%
  — Leslie: Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I 
talk to you for a second?
  — Sewage Joe: You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
  — Leslie: Hmmm.
  — Sewage Joe: Would you like to talk outside in my van?
  — Leslie: No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I 
was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
  — Sewage Joe: She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair.
  — Leslie: So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old 
person.
  — Sewage Joe: Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.
%
  — Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food.  What's your favorite 
food?
  — Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts.  Know what 
I call it?
  — Chris: Skittle Sandwich?
  — Andy: ...That's pretty good.  No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise.  It's 
nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in 
the Skittles.
%
  — Tom: 'Zerts are what I call desserts.  Tray-trays are entrees.  I call 
sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers.  Air conditioners are cool 
blasterz, with a z.  I don't know where that came from.  I call cakes big ol' 
cookies.  I call noodles long-ass rice.  Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. 
 Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm.  Chicken cacciatore?  Chicky catch.  
I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds.  Root beer is super water.  Tortillas 
are bean blankies.  And I call forks...food rakes.
%
  — Grain n' Simple Employee: Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% 
meatless.
  — Ron: Yes please.

[Employee hands him a piece and Ron throws it in the trash]

  — Grain n' Simple Employee: ...
  — Ron: Another please.

[Employee hands him another piece and Ron throws it in the trash]

  — Grain n' Simple Employee: Sir is there a problem?
  — Ron: I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.
  — Grain n' Simple Employee: I...I don't think I can give you anymore.
  — April: I want one.

[Employee hands her a piece and April throws it in the trash]

%
  — Ron: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of 
my stuff.
%
  — Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and 
you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. 
Ready?
  — Tom: Okay.
  — Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
  — Tom: One.
  — Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
  — Tom: One.
  — Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec...
  — Tom: [Interrupting] One.
  — Leslie: That’s what you do.
  — Tom: One.
  — Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college.
  — Tom: [Smiling] Eight.
  — Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
  — Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.
%
  — Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger 
Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, 
toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and 
microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!
  — Tom:  This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.
  — Donna: What is this in here? Saffron?
  — Chris: Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!
  — Kyle: I love the umami flavor.
  — Jerry: Stop being so pretentious Kyle!
  — Kyle: Sorry.
  — Ron: Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with 
nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.
  — Chris: Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna 
have a real challenge.
  — Tom: Never mind this is better!
  — Donna: Way better!
  — Jerry: Mmmmm Mmmhmm!
  — Andy: ...Kyle?
  — Kyle: ...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.
  — Andy: Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so 
much better it's crazy!
  — Ron: Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.
  — Chris: I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. 
Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one 
of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve 
horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.
  — Everyone: Yay!!!
%
  — Ron: OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME!  Welcome to Visions of Nature.  
This room has several paintings in it.  Some are big, some are small. People 
did them and they are here now.  I believe that after this is over they'll be 
hung in government buildings.  Why the government is involved in an art show is 
beyond me.  I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature 
when they can just go outside and stand in it.  Anyway, please do not 
misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art 
and attempt to discuss it with me further.  End of speech.
%
  — Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: 
topless Leslie glued to a horse!
%
  — Leslie: That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art 
contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless 
you want an arrow in your ass Marcia.
%
  — Andy: Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep?
  — Ben: Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. 
I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?
  — Andy: Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right?
  — Ben: No. Do you know what cute means?
%
  — Brandi Maxxxx: I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I 
do is obviously art.
  — Leslie: Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of 
a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.
  — Brandi Maxxxx: It's okay Leslie, I got this one.
  — Leslie: What!?
  — Brandi Maxxxx: What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be 
able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's 
girl on girl action, bondage or what have you!
  — Leslie: Okay hang on...
%
  — Leslie: Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice 
Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see 
it."
  — Perd Hapley: Brandi, how would you define pornography?
  — Brandi Maxxxx: For me, it's when the penis goes in.
%
  — Marcia: So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it 
privately and I put the footage on my blog...
  — Leslie: You've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important 
to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it 
home and we'll keep it there. What do you say?
  — Marcia: I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell. 
[Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated?
  — Leslie: I don't...I don't know...
  — Marcia: No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can 
load it in the back.
  — Leslie: No!

[Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it]

  — Marcia: Hey! Come back here!
  — Leslie: Make me stag!! I am Diaphena!!!
%
  — Andy: Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a 
cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that 
marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when 
you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
  — April: [deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.
%
  — Leslie: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it 
redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone 
calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a 
well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is 
on Friday!
%
  — Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss.  And I especially 
don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information 
about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark 
to sell cards.
%
  — April: Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?
  — Ron: What?
  — April: Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
  — Ron: There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a 
street.
  — April: Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?

[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]

  — Ann: Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons 
with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!!
  — Ron: Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
  — Ann: These were for a sick child at the hospital!!

[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on 
it]

  — Ron: ...Ah. My office now.
  — Ann: I don't work for you!
  — Ron: Don't care.
%
  — Ron: I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?
  — Ann: Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday!
  — Ron: Shut your damn mouth.
  — Ann: This is a fun conversation.
%
  — Chris: You want me to do what now?
  — Ron: Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or 
something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.
  — Chris: I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
  — Ron: No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.
  — Chris: Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
  — Ron: [Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.
  — Chris: Hey!! Happy Birthday!! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]

[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face]

%
  — Leslie: You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever 
rich people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're 
a Pawnee girl.
  — Lindsay: No Leslie, I'm not.
  — Leslie: Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the 
legendary JJ's Diner?
  — Lindsay: It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives!
  — Leslie: Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
  — Lindsay: [feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you 
go!
  — Leslie: HOW DARE YOU!?

[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her]

%
  — Leslie: I will never apologize to her.
  — Lindsay: Nor I her.
  — Leslie: [In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a 
stupid fart face.
  — Lindsay: Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
  — Leslie: Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!?
%
  — Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching 
Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
%
  — Ann: First of all, this color looks amazing on you.
  — Leslie: Thank you.
  — Ann:Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a 
rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you 
turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word 
and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
  — Leslie: [deeply touched] Thank You.
%
  — Lindsay: What's going on here?
  — Leslie: Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an 
idea that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to 
bash your head in with a baseball bat.

[View of Ann smiling and waving]

%
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]

  — Ron: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
  — Leslie: ...I did. I broke it.
  — Ron: No. No you didn't. Tom?
  — Tom: Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
  — Ben: What?! I didn't break it.
  — Tom: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
  — Ben: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
  — Tom: Suspicious.
  — Ben: No it's not!
  — Jerry: If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
  — April: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
  — Jerry: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
  — April: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows 
that Jerry!
  — Leslie: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
  — Ron: No! Who broke it!?
  — Ben: Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
  — Donna: REALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing]

  — Ron: [being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I 
predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on 
their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy 
around here.
%
  — Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. 
Dennis Cooper was fired today.
  — Ben: Why?
  — Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an 
affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city 
hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
  — Ben & Leslie: Oh yeah.

[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs]

  — Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee 
Health Department."

"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."


"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia."


"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. 
Brought to you by the Health Department."


"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."

%
  — Andy: Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
  — April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. 
Who are you?
  — Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I 
was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now 
I work alone.
  — April: Lovely to meet you.
  — Andy: I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.
  — April: [slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!!? [walks away]
  — Andy: ...Nice.
%
  — Ron: Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with 
people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You 
should buy it.
  — Bar Patron: Yeah okay, thanks man.
  — Ron: Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. 
[hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.
%
  — Tom: Traegermeister!! You made it!
  — Chris: Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.
  — Tom: First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% 
alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.
  — Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.
%
  — Ann: No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're 
going too slow with Ben!
  — Leslie: No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
  — Ann: No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not 
acting on your feelings!
  — Leslie: No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in 
feelings!
  — Ann: Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
  — The Douche: Mmm-hmm!
  — Ben: Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
  — Leslie: Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance 
with me? Go get me another snork juice.
  — Ben: Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
  — Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
  — Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
  — Leslie: Dance up on me!
  — Jean-Ralphio: Yes, yes, yes!
%
  — Andy: You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.
  — Ben: ...that explains the outift.
  — Andy: Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss 
and sex is forbidden because she works for you.
  — Ben: ...That is our actual situation.
  — Andy: And she's addicted to spanking.
  — Ben: Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.
%
[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom]

  — Leslie: If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! 
He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.
  — Ann: You talked to Chris before you talked to me?!

[A girl walks between them]

  — Leslie: EXCUSE ME!

[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]

  — Leslie: This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe 
that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a 
watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. 
All I need to do is focus, and stay calm.

[Cut back to Leslie and Ann]

  — Leslie: You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid!! [Runs into 
the restroom]
  — Ann: UGH!!
%
  — Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.

[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]

  — Leslie: You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and 
then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!!

[cuts to a drunk Tom]

  — Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK?  If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's 
in there.

[cuts to a drunk Ann]

  — Ann: I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna 
tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.

[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]

  — Ben: Baba booey.

[cuts to a drunk Andy]

  — Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and 
stuff... macaroni salad...

[cuts to a drunk April]

  — April: [rapidly speaks Spanish]

[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake 
Juice]


[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]

%
[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]

  — Ron: Is this everybody?
  — Donna: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, 
where to first?
  — Leslie: Your mother's butt!

[Everyone laughs]

  — Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone...
  — Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all 
walking home.
%
  — Chris: There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] 
Ben, is there something we can do?!

[silence]

  — Chris: Damn it, Ben's not here...
%
  — Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health 
department.
  — Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we 
dead?
  — Ben: I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning.
  — Leslie: Really?
  — Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.
%
[Ben and Leslie are interviewing people]

  — Ben: Thank you, we'll let you know.

[Interviewee walks out]

  — Ben: And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh]
%
  — Ben: You're wearing snow pants...
  — Ann: I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding...

[View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight]

%
[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position]

  — Leslie: You came!
  — Ann: Yeah I had some encouragement.
  — Ben: Your sweater's on inside-out.
  — Ann: And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. 
Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.
  — Leslie: Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of 
candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.
  — Ann: This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved 
like a total jackass.
  — Leslie: Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.
  — Ann: Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but 
first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.
  — Leslie: Would you mind if I joined you?
  — Ann: Not at all! Shall we?
%
  — Ron: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet 
that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. 
...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.
%
  — Leslie: I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I 
mean?  I'm not buying cocaine.  I'm going to the bathroom.  The whiz palace, as 
I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...
%
[after her and Ben's first kiss]

  — Leslie: Uh-oh.
%
[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]

  — Leslie: Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new 
part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!!
  — Ann: Leslie this is so nice!
  — April: [popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these 
balloons so if any of them pops you may die.
  — Andy: [popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses 
fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] 
School.
  — Leslie: We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's 
First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve 
noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.
  — Tom: [popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!!
  — Ann: How many of you are in here!?
  — Leslie: There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart 
and he's kind of a grouch.
  — Ann: I have an office mate?
  — Stuart: [popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of 
here!!
  — Ann: ...Hi I'm Ann.
%
[Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann]

  — Leslie: Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!!
  — Stuart: It's my office too-
  — Leslie: Stuart!

[Stuart awkwardly walks out]

  — Leslie: Wow that guy was rude.
%
  — Chris: I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this 
department's potential. Jerry.
  — Jerry: Mmm?
  — Chris: I believe that you are capable of so much more.
  — Jerry: I'm Not.
  — Chris: Nonsense. Look in the mirror!
  — Jerry: Huh?
  — Chris: You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm 
making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday 
briefing sessions.
  — Ron: Excellent idea.
%
  — Chris: April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from 
now on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.
  — April: Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up!
%
  — Leslie: Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a 
meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and 
I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.
  — Ben: Okay.
  — Leslie: Go!
  — Ben: Hello-
  — Leslie: Wrong.
  — Ben: What?
  — Leslie: No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
  — Ben: ...Id like to discuss the school bus-
  — Leslie: I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be 
sitting by now.
  — Ben: What?
  — Leslie: Just walk in and take a seat.
  — Ben: Um...
  — Leslie: "Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And 
now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
  — Ben: God! Okay should we just start over?
  — Leslie: No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's 
top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel 
Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.
  — Ben: "Deliverance," the movie?
  — Leslie: Mmmhmmm.
  — Ben: Oh God.
%
  — Donna: This ain't gonna work.

[Ron swivels away from Donna]

  — Donna: Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.

[Ron swivels back]

  — Donna: This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy!! I'm down to one word 
a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
  — Ron: Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups 
always peter out. We just have to wait.
  — Donna: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million 
dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office 
and have a word with him.
%
  — Sobbing Woman: There's nothing left. It's over!
  — Chris: Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together 
and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.
  — Sobbing Woman: [deeply touched] Thank you!

[she walks away]

  — Tom: Who was that?
  — Chris: I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.
%
  — Chris: Ron Swanson!
  — Ron: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that 
it might ruin the entire department.
  — Chris: Now wait a minute...
  — Ron: I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my 
department has to go back to the way it was.
  — Chris: Give them time. They'll adjust.
  — Ron: No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's 
someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And 
you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And 
Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he 
shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
  — Chris: That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.
%
  — Andy: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can 
of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.
%
  — Leslie: How did you find out?
  — Ron: We've worked together for a while now.  I'd like to think I know you 
pretty well.  Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.

[Ron holds up his phone]

  — Leslie: [over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
  — Ben: [over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
  — Leslie: [over phone] OK, lay down...

[Ron puts his phone away]

  — Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
  — Ron: Unfortunately not.
  — Ben: Ugh.
  — Ron: This is a scandal waiting to happen.  If you get caught which you 
CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
  — Leslie: Ron, we're being very careful.

[Ron holds up his phone]

  — Leslie: [over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
  — Ben: [over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let 
me help you with that.  Our countries have had a very special relationship.
  — Leslie: OK, yes...
  — Leslie: [over phone] Oh no!
  — Leslie: ...You've proven your point.
%
  — Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home.
  — Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
  — Tammy Two: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
  — Donna: Red alert, Swanson!  Your ex-wife's back!
  — Ron: No kidding, Donna.
  — Donna: Not her.  The other ex-wife.
  — Ron: ...Tammy One?
  — Donna: She's in your office.

[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]

  — Tammy Two: Oh Shit!  [runs away in fear]
%
  — Chris: What's the point of doing 10,000 push-ups a week if you have no 
one to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a lovely woman... 
sitting on my back to increase my resistance.
%
  — Ron: I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a 
bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed.
%
  — Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I 
thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l 
Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!
%
  — Leslie: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the 
proceeds will go towards L'il Sebastian's favorite charity...The Afghan 
Institute of Learning...
%
  — Andy: [Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the 
wind?

[Cut to Andy about to perform at the memorial]

  — Andy: This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind"
%