path: root/parks-and-recreation.4-7

[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]

 — Ron: Knope, follow me.
 — Leslie: Just one second.
 — Ron: NOW.

[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]

 — Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going 
on?
 — Ron: My ex-wife is back.

[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]

 — Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
 — Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.

[Leslie gasps]

 — Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of 
them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.

[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and 
retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]

 — Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, 
or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.

[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]
%
 — Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just 
said about this situation.
%
 — Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. 
 I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look.  I was distracted 
by the largest penis I have ever seen.
%
 — Ron: Hello Tammy.
 — Tammy One: Ronald.
 — Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want?
 — Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust?
 — Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives.
 — Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald.
 — Ron: I don't care.
 — Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling?
 — Ron: ...
 — Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for 
all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep...
 — Ron: I don't need your help.
 — Tammy One: Wrong. You do. As your so fond of saying, "It's a Free County." 
Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail.
%
 — Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron. 
Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail.
 — Ron: Are you broken?
%
 — Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. 
My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.
%
 — Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist?
 — Model: I guess. I don't really know.
 — Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you?
 — Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical.
 — Ben: ...

[cut to Ben being interviewd]

 — Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence!
%
[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent]

 — Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am 
Leslie Knope, Deputy-
 — Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while 
I'm here.

[Leslie awkwardly sits down]
%
 — Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! 
This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. 
We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your 
accounts. And your home.
 — Ron: ...Is that necessary?
 — Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?
 — Everyone: ...
 — Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name?
 — Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...
 — Tammy One: Really?
 — Andy: No...Andy Dwyer.
 — Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to 
put it in my car. Ms. Knope!
 — Leslie: Yes!?
 — Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's 
workplace expense reports.
 — Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because 
Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle 
royale. It's super fun-
 — Tammy One Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will 
remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in 
Terre Haute.
 — Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.
 — Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger.
 — Leslie: Yes ma'am...
%
[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]

 — Ron: Good morning everyone!
 — Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] 
Ron!! Your mustache fell off!!
 — Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked 
better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is 
very unsanitary.
 — Leslie: What?
 — Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?
 — Jerry: ...What?
 — Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one?
 — Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she 
converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.
 — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?
 — Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.
%
 — Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not 
quite sure how to phrase them.
 — Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between 
you and me. Right my love?
 — Tammy One: Stop fidgeting.
 — Ron: Sorry.
 — Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
 — Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.
 — Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.
 — Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and 
you need to go.
 — Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?
 — Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands!

[Ron gets up and leaves]

 — Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
 — Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I 
want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future 
was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
 — Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
%
 — Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, 
we need Mothra. No offense.
 — Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] 
Who's this tall drink of water?
 — Andy: Andy...
 — Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging?
 — Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move 
your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?
 — Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch 
is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
 — April: Eww!
 — Andy: Could we take a peek at it?
 — Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can 
pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of 
acid.
 — Leslie Oh my God!
 — Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron.
 — April: Andy...
 — Leslie: Don't joke around.
 — Andy: I...have ideas too...
%
[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom]

 — Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!!
 — Leslie: Why do you have so many guns?
 — Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it?
 — Leslie: Yes...
 — Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing 
on my own property! Let's go!
 — April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.
%
 — Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this.
 — Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.

[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]

 — April: Ugh, what's in that jug?  It smells like jet fuel!
 — Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor.  Made from the finest corn ever 
grown on American soil.  Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed 
boats.
 — Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to 
the farm for good.
 — Leslie: Wait, what?  That wasn't the deal!
 — Tammy One: Pour it.  I'm thirsty.
 — Leslie: Pour me one too, then.  Let me in here!  I'm gonna join you and if 
I win, Ron stays here with us.
 — Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that.  We use it to burn warts off of the 
mules!

[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]

 — Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
%
[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]

 — Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough?
 — Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
 — Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
 — Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this.
 — Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy.
%
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]

 — Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
 — Ron: She's had enough. Call it off.
 — Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out.
 — April: Wait, I'm subbing in.
 — Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
 — April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it.

[April takes a swig of the liquor]

 — April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
 — Ron: Okay! This ends now!

[Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement]

 — Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're 
going back to Hell.
 — Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground 
safe. I stole half your gold.
 — Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe 
buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
 — Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be 
there the minute you die.

[Tammy One Walks Out]

 — Leslie: Ron...your family's weird...
%
 — Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts."  I'm Derry Murbles, 
filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration 
patterns of our nation's squirrels.  We have not seen him since.
%
 — Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote it 
as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it 
a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we 
removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and 
here it is!
%
 — Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of 
words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
 — Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one?
%
 — Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like you 
phones?
 — April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life.
%
 — Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to 
tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.
 — Joan: In what way?
 — Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.
 — Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
 — Leslie: Pawnee!!
 — Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!

[music starts and dancers come out]

 — Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!!
%
 — Ann I could leave. I could but I'm not going to. I'm will get my one 
minute of small talk dammit!! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE.
%
 — Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to 
know the truth about where you were born.
 — Leslie: Okay. Well-
 — Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many 
of you were actually born in Pawnee?

[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand]

 — Chris: ..Fair enough.
 — Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here.
 — Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?
 — Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me-
 — Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you 
came from!!
 — Leslie:  I am back from where I came from!!
 — Man: That sentence was confusing!!! You might as well be from China!!!
%
 — Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should 
model.
 — Ben: ...That never happened.
 — Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's 
the luckiest man in the world?
 — Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing.
 — Tom: Oh...
 — Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual 
appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.
 — Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor...
%
 — Joan: Drink up, Tom.  I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other 
things... if you know what I mean.
 — Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina?
%
 — Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.

[cut to Ann trying to talk to April]

 — Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if 
you could recommend anything.
 — April: ...The internet.
 — Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?
 — April: Prison.
 — Ann: How's your sister doing?
 — April: She has the shingles.
 — Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
 — April: Alf.

[cut back to Ann being interviewed]

 — Ann: And nine seconds with Ron.

[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron]

 — Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring 
with you?
 — Ron: Silence...
 — Ann: ...
%
 — Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.
 — Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same 
alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company  expect us to believe that 
it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just 
say the message boards are going nuts.

[pause]

 — Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and 
[bleep] bend you both over and  just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at 
the same time.
%
 — Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort 
probably.
%
 — Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video 
games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me 
and Mother Nature.
 — Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call 
me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.
 — Ron: Thank you Andy.
 — Andy: Brother Nature.
%
 — Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle."

[applause]

 — Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!"
 — Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that.
 — Leslie: I'll say!
%
 — Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The 
answer is mine. Say mine is better.
 — Ron: It's not a competition.
 — Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls 
out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My 
fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors!
 — Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie!
 — Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle 
Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my 
haird...
%
 — Donna: What is wrong with you today?  Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
 — Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job.  And they would never cancel Game 
of Thrones.  It's a crossover hit.  It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, 
they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
%
 — Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft 
time? Lauren?
 — Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein!

[applause]

 — Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow 
that. Ann?
 — Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they 
kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters.
 — Everyone: ...
 — Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws 
dolls in the fire]
 — Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important.
%
 — Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we 
treat ourselves to?
 — Donna: Clothes.
 — Tom: Treat Yo Self!
 — Donna: Fragrances.
 — Tom: Treat Yo Self!
 — Donna: Massages.
 — Tom: Treat Yo Self!
 — Donna: Mimosas.
 — Tom: Treat Yo Self!
 — Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods.
 — Tom: Treat Yo Self!
 — Donna: It's the best day of the year.
 — Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year!
%
 — Ron: You are defecting?
 — Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and 
eat beans.
 — Ron: Those beans were a reward.
%
 — Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back 
and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base.
%
 — Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by 
proving that we were better than them!
 — Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better 
solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum!
 — Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren.
 — Lauren: What was that?
 — Leslie: I said great idea Lauren!
%
 — Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie 
Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30.
%
 — Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's 
expensive and there's no use for it.
 — Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self.
 — Ben: ...
 — Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a 
cashmere, velvet candy cane.
 — Donna: Treat Yo Self!
 — Ben: ...This is insane.
%
[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume]

 — Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd!
 — Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?
 — Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. 
You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes 
you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? 
You're gonna Treat Yourself!
 — Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks 
you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself!
 — Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying.
%
 — Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun?
%
 — Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the 
water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I 
Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little 
boys be super into me...that came out wrong.
%
 — Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often 
suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with 
business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: 
Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor.
 — Tom: Oh my God!
 — Leslie:  I'm not going to use that.
%
 — Ben: I take it we're having a party?
 — Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.
 — Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have 
an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.
 — Andy: That's a good point.
%
 — Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of 
problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint 
at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.
%
 — Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman.
 — Donna: Yup. You're a regular-
 — Chris: -Sherlock Holmes!! I solved that mystery before you did.
 — Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away]
%
 — Andy:  Hey Ron, good to see ya!  Weren't you a pirate last year?
 — Ron: Yes.  This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your 
bathroom faucet is leaking?
 — Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What 
else do they want me to do?
 — Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.
 — Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and 
you touch the wire, YOU DIE!!!
 — Ron: ...Yes that is accurate.
%
 — Leslie:  Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often.  If 
you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact.  But I can say 
without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.
%
 — Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and 
Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says 
sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
%
[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners]

 — Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private 
citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.
 — Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
 — Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya.

[Tanya looks insulted]

 — Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand behind 
my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a 
lot of support in the community for that.

[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly]
%
 — Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I 
think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.
%
 — Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor!
 — Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all 
good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech?
 — Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs 
and sit on your own face!?
%
[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house]

 — Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?
 — Ron: I know more than you.
 — Lowe's Employee: ...Alright.
%
 — Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and 
what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not 
referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many 
businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount 
Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile 
Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... Smooth Operator Bikini 
Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan...
%
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink]

 — Ann: Oh my God! We made it work!
 — Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I 
just love it so much.
%
 — Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you.
 — Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room.
 — Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm 
gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature.

[starts beating up Ben]
%
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink]

 — Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
 — Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a 
triple three bolt smack.
 — Ron: That was nonsense.
 — Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that!
 — Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it.
 — Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron.
%
 — Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, 
good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person.
%
 — Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead.  It's up in company heaven along 
with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves.  My company is no better than a 
company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.
%
 — Ron: What religion am I?  Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] 
business.
%
 — Leslie: I need a few more volunteers.  Andy, will you be Iceland?
 — Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2?  Don't think so.
 — Leslie: OK, how about Japan?
 — Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2?  Even worse.  How about Germany?  
They've never been the bad guys.
%
 — Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!
 — Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick 
in front of your weeping mother!
 — Ben: ...Good Lord.
%
 — Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time 
in college.  Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't 
actively root against.  Ah, there I go getting all sappy.
%
 — Leslie: I'm just freaking out.  The only thing we have left is work and 
now he doesn't want to work together anymore.  What does that all mean?
 — Ann: I think you know what it means.
 — Leslie: Yeah.  I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long 
as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.
 — Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.
 — Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and 
then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I 
will work together for at least another year.  Good idea, Ann.
 — Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes...
 — Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful 
pie hole?  Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently 
support me on this gameplan.
 — Ann: Leslie...
 — Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann...
 — Ann: Leslie...
 — Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit 
endorsement of all my behaviors.
%
 — Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel 
mill. He didn't think I should go to college.
%
 — Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?
 — Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought 
it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating.  And then you kissed me as 
a joke to shut me up.
 — Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that?
 — Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
%
 — Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links 
Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?
 — Tammy Two: Absolutely.  I have several photographs that will definitively 
prove...
 — Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire 
you and have you prosecuted.
 — Tammy Two: Nothing!  They will definitively prove nothing.  Oh, you cut me 
off.  I don't have any evidence!  Oh Chris, so silly.  OK bye, guys!  Leslie, 
have fun with this trial.  Yay!
%
 — Ann : Your campaign advisors quit.  Big deal.  You're running for city 
council again, Leslie.  With our help.
 — April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
 — Tom: Tom Haverford.  Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
 — Ann: Ann Perkins.  Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
 — Andy: Andy Dwyer.  Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
 — Donna: Donna Meagle.  Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
 — Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this.  I did not know I 
was supposed to come up with something.  I...
 — Ron: Ron Swanson.  Any other damn thing you might need.
 — Leslie: Guys, it's so much work.  I can't ask you to put your lives on 
hold.
 — Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on 
hold.
 — Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an 
election!
%
 — Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.
 — Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much!
 — Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle.
 — Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait.  I bet it's a big one, huh Barney?
 — Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, 
correct?
 — Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that.  Y'see, my resume might 
not actually be accurate, right?  So I have no idea what you're talking about.  
Don't know what QuickBooks are.
 — Barney: You don't have any accounting experience?
 — Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon.  But you don't have to be an 
accountant to know that this girl is a 10.  Yo, what up, Diaz?  Come here often?
 — Nancy: To my job?
 — Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also.  Shut it.
 — Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the 
spreadsheets?
 — Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to 
my place and I will rock your—
 — Barney: You're fired!
 — Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense.  So I just go out the same way I came in?
%
 — Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political 
campaign.
 — Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and 
you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare 
hands!
 — Ann: No I haven't.
 — Leslie: You haven't!?
 — Ann: No!
 — Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse.
%
 — Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes 
and say yes.
 — Ann: Okay yes!
 — Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann.
 — Ann: Thank you.
 — Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing 
like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again.
 — Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.
 — April: Wow you're doing a really bad job.
%
 — Leslie: William, Elizabeth!
 — William: Leslie, hi.
 — Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm 
relaunching my campaign?
 — William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting 
with other potential candidates for City Council.
 — Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone 
else and run theirs?
 — Elizabeth: Yes that's our job.
 — Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new 
advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers.
 — Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke 
everything.
 — Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in.
 — William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly.

[William and Elizabeth start walking away]

 — Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're 
relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone.
%
 — Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign 
managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional 
assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers!  ...That analogy was 
way better in my head.
%
[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion]

 — Ben: That is a three-legged dog.
 — Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.
 — Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog 
have when you found him?
 — Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs 
than most dogs can do with four.
 — April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.
 — Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. 
You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes 
back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.
 — Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
 — Andy: Yes!
 — Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.
 — April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, 
Andy and I have jobs.
 — Ben: ...Cruel but fair.
%
 — Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager.
 — Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that 
they wear a lot of dark colors.
 — Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked 
guys Ann.
 — Ann: ...What?
%
 — Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone?
 — April: Here sit on my lap.
 — Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
 — Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it.
 — Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.
 — Tom: Yes sir.
%
 — Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you 
wanna do.
 — Pistol Pete: Okay.
 — Leslie: I think you wanna dunk.
 — Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball.
 — Ann: What about a layup?
%
 — Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years 
old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what 
laws are we breaking exactly?
 — Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a 
seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. 
The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a 
commercial license to drive a truck.
 — Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what 
constitutes a law.
%
 — Leslie: Glenn you're killing me.
 — Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to 
get that gimp dog to bite me.
 — Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I 
both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and 
do what comes naturally.
 — Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate...
%
 — Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming?
 — Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the 
biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage]
 — Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What 
happened to the rest of my face!?
 — Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause 
windows are the eyes to the house.
%
 — Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that 
you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here.
 — Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that 
term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there!
 — Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?!
 — April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry?
%
 — Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as 
a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem.
%
 — Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always been 
proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here when 
they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that was 
something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a 
disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I 
can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will 
be interesting!
%
 — Leslie: Ann you're fired.
 — Ann: Oh thank God.
%
 — Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the 
town.  But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in 
the issues.  And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.
%
 — Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in.  The Public Works department is 
wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business.
 — Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.
 — John: What?  What about the Pawnee River dam?
 — Ron: Dam's dead.  Have a nice day.
 — John: Where will all the water go?
 — Ron: Wherever it's headed now.  The important thing is the dam is never 
happening and your dream has been crushed.
 — Chris: We're very sorry.
 — Ron: I am not.  Good meeting.
%
 — Jerry: Is everybody feeling good?
 — April: Oh, I don't know Jerry.  It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls 
to strangers, and you're in my house.  My life couldn't be worse.
%
 — Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle.  No hook, no spin, no fuss.  
Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
%
 — Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared.
%
 — Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling.  
[laughs]  She's weird.
%
 — Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love.
 — Ann: What did you say something?
 — Leslie: Love you!
%
 — Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.
 — Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron.
 — Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.
%
 — Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in 
her?
 — Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything.
 — Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.
 — Leslie: Silence.
 — Jerry: ...I don't think she does-
 — Tom: Would she like some!?
%
 — Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz.
 — Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I 
don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.
%
 — Andy: Aww cool cryptex!! Can I have it!?
 — Ben: Hey! No, no you can't!
 — Andy: Where'd you get it!?
 — Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is?
 — Andy: I know what things are.
 — Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in 
here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third 
date.
 — Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?'
 — Ben: ...That's a four letter word.
 — Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'?
 — Ben: I really don't think it's that.
 — Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the 
second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.

[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office]

 — Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.
 — Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?'
 — Andy: Ha!
 — Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!
 — Andy: Just smart people.
 — Ron: I think I might be able to help you.
 — Andy: Told ya!

[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex]
%
[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man]

 — Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann!
 — Leslie: Jerry! Well done!
 — Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual 
Fun." Enrico here responded right away!
 — Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay?
 — Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude.
 — Tom: You hired a male escort.
 — Jerry: A what?
 — Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here.
 — Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God...
%
 — Leslie: How are you?
 — Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. 
Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!
 — Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and 
you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to 
'Single Ladies' by yourself?
 — Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you?
 — Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink!
%
 — Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music?  It kinda sounds like 
the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.
 — Chris: It is.
 — Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you 
rebound!?
 — Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, 
they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]
 — Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that!
%
 — Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this 
town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.
 — Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.
 — Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?
 — Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too.
 — Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna 
make a decision...
 — Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at 
O'Flinigans.  There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an 
answer.  Weirdo can come, too.
 — Ben: Alright.
 — Leslie: Let's go.
 — Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say...
 — Leslie: Don't.
 — Ben: ...that the boys in blue...
 — Leslie: Stop.
 — Ben: ...are heroes.  Obviously some more than others.  Oh boy, here it 
comes........9/11.
 — Leslie: And we're walking.
 — Ben: OK.
%
 — Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, 
involved.  We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I 
relocated to San Diego.  Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is 
southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement 
at that time.
%
 — Donna: We're not big on hospitality.  The Meagles are a cold people.
%
 — Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
%
 — Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee 
seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."
%
 — Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to 
slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday.  I couldn't choose, so I 
slaughtered both of them.  And they were delicious.
%
 — Donna: Do I look like I drink water?
%
 — Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters.  Nympho means 
you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other 
implications as well.  So those are a maybe.
%
 — April: Why are you here eating alone?
 — Chris: I'm not.  I'm surrounded by friends.  Friends I don't know yet.  
And I'm engrossed in this book.  It's the true story of a woman born with no 
arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.
 — April: That's impossible.
 — Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately.  It's kind of a sad story.
%
 — Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my 
campaign.  If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's 
me.
%
 — Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that 
Greek restaurant next door.  I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the 
whole thing.
%
 — Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make 
anything sound positive.
 — Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock 
market.
 — Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is 
measured by the amount of love in your life.
%
 — Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want 
it to be me.
%
 — Leslie: Is the menu all set?
 — Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.
 — April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!
 — Andy: Sweet!
 — Leslie: No!
%
 — Donor: So you do a lot of investing?
 — Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage 
sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine 
glass and stares at it] The economy.
%
 — Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you 
ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us 
more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.
%
 — Leslie: Do it!! Fierce!! Power!! Pump it up!! 2012!! Nothing gets me more 
amped than Sarah McLachlan!
%
[Candidates are giving their opening statements]

 — Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you 
your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium.
 — Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo!
 — Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending 
machines.
 — Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know 
about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year 
alone.
 —  Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo!
 — Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to 
be the only woman in a room full of men.
 — Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as 
important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my 
own children.
%
 — Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people 
do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is 
having sex with men and women on camera.
 — Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same 
person.
%
 — Andy: From now on, we will be using code names.  You can address me as 
Eagle One.  Ann, code name: Been There, Done That.  April is Currently Doing 
That.  Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream.  Chris, code name: If I Had To 
Pick A Dude.  Ben is Eagle Two.
 — Ben: Oh thank God.
%
 — Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell 
you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel 
the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate 
this city's libraries!!

[Applause and cheers from the crowd]
%
 — Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day 
all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.
%
 — Tom: He's just playing hard ball.  Let me tell you how it's going to go 
down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and 
then BAM, I start crying.
%
 — Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?!
 — Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop 
campaigning. We stop, we lose!
 — Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.
 — Ann: I'm not gonna beat him.
 — Leslie: Not with that attitude!
 — Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to 
Bobby in person.
 — Leslie: April?
 — April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!
 — Leslie: Andy?
 — Andy: If..I..If...The guy...
 — Leslie: Okay!
%
 — Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. 
If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. 
Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with 
huge cans.
 — Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to now about it.
%
 — Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and 
published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions?
 — Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call 
Mr. Newport a jerk?
 — Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to 
be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling 
Nick Newport Hitler.
 — Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call 
"Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family 
you'd like to attack?
 — Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of 
some kind?
 — Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody.
 — Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?
%
[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes]

 — Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!!
 — Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?

[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck]

 — Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!
 — Tom: Am I dead?
 — Bill: WHAT THE HELL!?
 — Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.
 — Bill: That is not what happened.
 — Donna: I got witnesses.
 — Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.
 — Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."
 — Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole.
 — Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.
 — Bill: GAH!!!
%
 — Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis 
to everyone and you've come here to pie him!
 — Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming!
 — Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I 
would love nothing-

[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face]

 — Andy: Aww Fuck Ben!! Sorry!!

[Police take Sewage Joe away]

 — Andy: Oh ho!!! I did it!!!
 — Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job.
%
 — Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt 
so real it had to be a premonition.  Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were 
playing baccarat on a private jet.  Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, 
tomorrow night, I'm taking you back".  Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and 
gave me $40 million dollars.  It was all so real.
%
 — Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.
 — Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the 
concession speech you wrote for me.
 — Ben: I never wrote it.
%
 — Leslie: City Council, bitches!
%
— Andy: You OK, boss?
 — Leslie: No, not really.  I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but 
all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
 — Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?
 — Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created.  [Andy stares 
confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses 
into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
 — Andy: Oooh.
 — Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super 
PACs.  I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
 — Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is.  Everything is 
gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.
 — Leslie: No.
 — Andy: Yeah.  Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca.  You're Kickass 
Leslie.  Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up 
on stuff.
 — Leslie: Thanks.
 — Andy: That's what makes you...
 — Leslie: Nope.
 — Andy: ...an amalgam.  Nailed it.
%
 — Ron: Your work is appreciated.  Eat some corn.
%
 — Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. 
Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which 
was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town...
%
 — Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce 
option.  Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there 
is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a 
child size soda?
 — Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child 
were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.
%
 — Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.
%
 — Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan. 
Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy!
%
 — Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide 
healthier options like Water Zero.
 — Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there 
are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per 
serving. Isn't that misleading?
 — Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which 
is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only 
60 calories.
%
[At a public forum]

 — Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses 
lightly.
 — Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas 
and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in 
ten years...
 — Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?
 — Woman: Well we have lots of other problems.
%
 — Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right 
everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab 
a slice of Za bro!
 — Ellis: Okay.
 — Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!?
 — Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown.
 — Ben: Dude! So did I! In college!
 — April: Whoa! You guys should get married!
%
 — Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes!
%
 — Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's 
vaginas.
 — Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
 — Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!?
%
 — Leslie: Hey.
 — Ann: Hey you look weird.
 — Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.
%
 — Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!!
 — Ellis: ...What?
 — Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind.
%
 — Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes.
 — April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up]
 — Ellis: What is your problem?!
 — April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and 
if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know 
where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your 
eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a 
dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that?
 — Ellis: Yes.
 — April: Do it!
%
 — April: Are you busy?  And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
 — Ben: Ha.  ...And I finished that last week.
%
 — Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn.  THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.
%
 — Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.
 — Andy: Woo!
%
 — Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what 
they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of 
them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field 
day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a 
lot of crabs.
%
 — Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, 
they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause 
they're close to death.
 — Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery.
 — Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."
%
 — Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask 
Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady 
accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly 
since LBJ was president!
 — Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more 
concerned with disease.
 — Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
 — Ann: I don't think so no.
 — Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?
 — Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
 — Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
 — Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna 
jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!
 — Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a 
doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 
to ride this train!
 — Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]
%
 — Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next 
thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before 
you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?
 — Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want.
%
 — Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!
 — Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with 
them on your own time!
 — Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.
%
 — Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses.
 — Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading 
at chapter three.
 — Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your 
Pants & No-one Is Invited...
 — Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to 
magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen!
 — Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania.
 — Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away]
 — Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying.
%
 — Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi 
Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.
%
 — Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you.
 — Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing?
 — Ben: I can't do that right now.

[Leslie laughs]
%
 — Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those 
death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote 
was really profane.
 — Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't 
like how I tweet, don't follow me.
 — Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
 — Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.
%
 — Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge 
garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee 
Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my 
wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing 
condition.
%
 — Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for?
 — April: I dunno, eight cents?
 — Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard 
"Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam.
 — April: Ooh...$900.
 — Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
%
[Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben]

 — Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have 
to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time.
 — Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back.
 — Leslie: I know.
 — Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300...
 — Leslie: Alright Martha I get it!
%
 — Ben: Marry me?
 — Leslie: Oh, yeah!
%
 — Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No 
one can bring my parents together.
%
 — Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!
 — Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/
 — Leslie: We're getting married!!
 — Ben: All right.
%
 — Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come 
up in my police work
%
 — Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond.
%
 — Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry 
Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a 
spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman 
Leslie Knope.
 — Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin 
lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a 
park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I 
guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal.
 — Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the 
children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime 
nocturnally.
 — Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration 
of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your 
resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't 
hurry.
%
 — Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is 
like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some 
junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind!
 — Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton.
 — Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind.
%
 — Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I 
pass out.
%
 — Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee. 
We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years!
 — Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So 
let's at least go meet the guy.
 — Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I 
like your plan.
 — Ben: ...
%
 — Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee 
City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job.
%
 — Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee 
for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help 
and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home.
%
 — Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start 
work on that right away?
 — Chris: Yes sir!
 — Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.
%
 — Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton.
 — Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!
%
 — Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the 
public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right?
 — Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort.
 — Ben: No. You!
%
 — Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna 
leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.
 — Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out]
 — Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ...
%
 — Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?
 — Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale 
but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
 — Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins 
tried to commit suicide.
 — Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved 
it.
 — Ann: So you like the place?
 — Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible.
 — Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I 
have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!
 — Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?
 — Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by 
the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]
 — Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the 
perfect party.
%
[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design]

 — Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds 
and most importantly, smells that define your city.
 — Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. 
We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with 
instructions for those who've never showered before.

[Pause]

 — Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I 
will rip your throats out.
 — Ben: Out! Now!
 — Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so...

[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her]

 — Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back!
%
 — April: Alright so does this look familiar?
 — Andy: No not at all.
 — April: I was talking to Joey.
 — Joey's Mom: Joey!
 — Joey: Mommy!
 — Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! 
You'll never know how much I appreciate it!
 — Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am.
 — Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler.
 — Joey's Mom: ...What?
 — April: Don't worry about it.

[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away]

 — April: Wow you made those losers very happy.
%
 — Ben: What the Hell happened man!?
 — Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why 
I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting 
them out of the building.
 — Ben: Well...good!
 — Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote 
them but I insisted they be fired.
 — Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this.
 — Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she 
could ever get over the bad blood between our towns.
 — Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person.

[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin]

 — Leslie: REVENGE!!! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk!! 
WOOOOO!!! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER!!! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying 
his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin!! Suck it!! Now we're even.
 — Ben: Leslie.
 — Leslie: Huh?
 — Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did.
 — Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away]
%
 — April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son.
 — Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, 
probably having sex with you.
%
 — Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the 
money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my 
house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now.
 — Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business.
%
 — Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas!
 — Ron: What?
%
 — Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good 
chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it 
merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!!
%
 — Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle 
bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you!
 — Ron: Get out.
 — Leslie: Yeah. okay.
%
 — Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw 
up.
%
 — Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.
 — Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.
 — Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have 
been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. 
BOOM! I'm out. [walks out]
 — April: Who's Matlock?
%
 — Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment 
from the past year.
 — April: Yes!
 — Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of 
garbage.
 — April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!
 — Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup 
with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!
 — Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick 
up Jerry.
 — April & Tom: No!!
 — Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?
 — Tom: Not really.
 — April: Never!
%
[Leslie talking about Diane]

 — Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane 
Sawyer!
%
[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up]

 — Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up!
 — Ron: No.
 — Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is 
perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin 
neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring 
woodworking stuff!

[Everyone around them looks offended]

 — Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it 
down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval.
 — Ron: I don't need your approval.
 — Leslie: But you have it.
 — Ron: Don't need it.
 — Leslie: But you got it!
%
 — Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am 
so so happy for him-

[Tammy Two walks in]

 — Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much 
wood ready to be worked.
 — Leslie: ...Fuck me!
%
 — Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!
 — Ron: She's here isn't she?
 — Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be 
here!
 — Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named 
Tammy who is also my ex-wife.
 — Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.
 — Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! 
Tammy! What are you doing here?
 — Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
%
 — Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party.  And why is 
that?
 — April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann!! It's coming out of me 
right now!! I'm pregnant!!
 — Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. 
There's no place for meanies.
 — April: Oh forget it I'm coming in.

[April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease]

 — April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!!
 — Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are 
you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.
 — April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.
 — Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because 
they're unflattering to my hands!
 — Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something 
nice for Jerry.
 — Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take 
him to Jerry Dinner.
 — Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in.
 — Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry 
Christmas Bitches!!
%
 — Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same 
table!
 — Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved.
 — Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my 
boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron?
 — Diane: Subtle.
%
 — Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold 
out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna!
 — April: ...I actually like that one.
%
 — Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!
 — Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place
%
 — Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!
%
 — Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's 
husband and his friends.
%
 — April: You know what? I think men are better than women.
 — Leslie: She's kidding
 — April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they 
are our masters.
 — Leslie: April. Stop it!
 — April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.
%
 — Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific.
 — Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this 
pwetty pwetty wittle bead.
 — Ron: They're not infants.
 — Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay?
 — Zoey: You're weird.
 — Ann: You're-[runs out]
 — Jerry: Well hey girls!
 — Ivy: ...No.
 — Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away]
%
 — Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's 
face like a mask!!
 — Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
 — Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman?
 — Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories!
%
 — Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome.
 — April: And some privacy to violate!
 — Leslie: Yeah!!
 — April: Woo!
 — Leslie: ...Wait no.
%
 — Andy: You are officially a baller.
 — Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.
%
 — Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here.
%
 — Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there.
 — Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't 
mean to say that.
%
 — Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.
 — Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that 
I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. 
[Ann's mouth is open] What?!
 — Ann: Did you just say you love Diane?
 — Ron: No. I did not.
 — Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute!
 — Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!!
 — Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo!!! Ron loves mommy!! Ron Loves mommy!!
 — Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't 
tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.
 — Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy!! [the girls join in]
 — Ron: I LOVE NOTHING!!! [runs out]
 — Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past]
%
 — April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we have 
to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin Hestin, 
he beat up five cops on that stuff.
%
 — Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. 
And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for 
six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, 
Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make 
sense to me.
%
 — Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my 
food eats.
%
 — Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?
 — Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. 
Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark 
secret.
 — Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
 — Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read 
but I would watch the movie of.
 — Ben: That's nonsense.
%
 — April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex 
pants.
 — Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] 
Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.
%
 — Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.
%
 — Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those 
stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a 
sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.
%
 — Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.
 — Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them.
%
 — Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which 
is bad.
%
 — Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is 
ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a 
cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller.

Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.

Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons.
Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.
Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" 
"Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in 
this country.
I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie 
Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.
%
 — Leslie: How did you get the word out?
 — Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
 — Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. 
It's been a very rewarding day.
%
 — Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever.
%
 — Donna: Did you just pee your pants?
 — Jerry: Just a dab.
 — Donna: You nasty Jerry.
%
 — Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.
%
 — Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to 
Game of Thrones."
 — Tom: Nooooo... Jerry!
%
 — Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is 
crooked] How's it looks.
 — Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry 
tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... 
break it a sixth.
 — Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.
 — Chris: I have something for you.
 — Ben: All right.
 — Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have 
been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.
 — Ben: [quietly] No way.
 — Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those 
eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both 
found a home.
 — Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
 — Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]
%
 — Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a 
wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you 
look very beautiful.
%
 — Ron: People who buy things are suckers.
%
 — Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on 
myself!
%
 — Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, 
you've never had to compensate for anything.
%
 — Ron: I wish this office was just walls.
%
 — Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing 
everything I say.
 — April: So what, I have to be your slave or something?
 — Ann: No, you have to be my friend
 — April: Ugh, that's so much worse.
%
 — Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly.
%
 — Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest.
 — Donna: Who were you competing against?
 — Chris: My own taste buds.
%
 — Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is 
water that's lying about being milk
%
 — Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square
%
 — April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.
%
 — April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger.
%
 — Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him 
several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I 
barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And 
when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the 
ground. I regret nothing. The end.
%
 — Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
 — Ron: One.
 — Ann: That's it? One drink?
 — Ron: One shelf.
 — Ann: Do you exercise?
 — Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
 — Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family
 — Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
 — Ann: Allergies?
 — Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts
 — Ann: Sexual History?
 — Ron: Epic and Private
%
 — Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.
 — Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.
%
 — Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
 — April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for 
animal control?
 — Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
 — Leslie: Get out.
 — Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]
 — Chris: I liked him.
%
 — Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion 
bottles]
 — April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused 
like a railway worker.
 — Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
 — April: [smiles] Really? Thanks.
%
 — Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd 
choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do 
nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.
%
 — Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What 
kind of name is that?
 — Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The 
half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
 — Ann: No, do you?
 — Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! 
Everyone on that show can get it!
%
 — Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
 — Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods?
 — Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change 
it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
 — Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you 
have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.
 — Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first 
time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
 — Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a 
hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm 
complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I 
love you.
 — Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of 
anniversaries, so I have seniority.
 — Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.
 — Ann: What- no!
 — Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
 — Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get 
us the waffle iron back?
 — Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. 
[pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very 
wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth 
for example.
 — Ann: This is why we don't hang out.
%
 — Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do 
to! I just moved.
%
 — Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.
%
 — April: My spirit blood is on your hands.
%
 — Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad.
 — Ron: No
%
 — Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is 
like a giant puppy with no shame.
%
 — Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as 
well lean into it.
%
— Andy: Look, Hogwarts.
 — Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know 
that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.
%
 — Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that 
was a mistake.
%
 — Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?
 — Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's 
a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
 — Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher 
shops first.
%
 — Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the 
stench of European socialism.
%
 — Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a 
disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an 
island. In space.
%
 — Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me?
 — Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!
 — Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old 
calculator. It doesn't have a name.
%
 — Leslie: Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you 
know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer 
burn widows for learning arithmetic.
%
 — Leslie: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The 
Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm 
told is a fancy horse riding thing.
 — Alonso: It is horse dancing madam!
 — Leslie: Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your 
saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments!
 — April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law!
 — Leslie: No!
%
 — Leslie: I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new 
filing temp...
 — Jerry: [walking in] Hey everybody!
 — April: NOOOOO!!!
 — Tom: Noooo!!! Why!? This can't be happening!!
 — Ron: Why Leslie!?
%
 — Chris: When we were state auditors we had an amazing system.
 — Ben: Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy 
and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons!
 — Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing!
 — Ben: You're all fired!
 — Chris: Teamwork!
%
 — Jerry: When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting 
on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because 
Pawnee needs me.
%
 — April: I'm sorry was your name Jennifer?
 — Tynnyfer: No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then 
I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some 
pills]
 — April: ...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's 
April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
 — Tynnyfer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up 
where do I get that?
 — April: Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona?
 — Tynnyfer: I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of 
them before. Are they better!?
 — April: Winona rocks my world.
 — Tynnyfer: Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. 
Must.

[cut to April being interviewed]

 — April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world 
with her.
%
 — Leslie: Hey this is a surprise!
 — Ann: Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear 
some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?
 — Leslie: Is everything okay?
 — Ann:  Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.
 — Leslie: Oh hello!
 — Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
 — Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are 
very healthy.
 — Leslie: Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because 
Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known 
occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.
 — Ann: Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk 
some more words into Leslie's face.
%
 — Leslie: Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, 
with your tiny little doll feet.
 — Ann:  Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm 
gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
 — Leslie: What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew 
she was a monster!
%
 — Leslie: Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by 
treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?
 — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like 
totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking 
like so much forever!
 — Tynnyfer: It's all so delicious!
 — April: I know right!?
 — Tynnyfer: This is like the best day ever!
 — April: I know I'm eating it all up!
 — Leslie: Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting 
away like a...dying turd flower...
 — April: Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!
 — Tynnyfer: And Skank!
 — April: How crazmazing is that Les!?
%
 — Leslie: Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to 
stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy 
forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a 
garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings!
%
 — Donna: Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of 
medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too 
much of today?
 — Craig: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too 
much!! AND IT'S INCURABLE!! ...Also, I have eczema.
%
 — Leslie: Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your 
job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I 
think Craig's gonna have to go.
 — Donna: No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met 
anyone who cares more about this job.
 — Leslie: Huh Donna. I'm right here.
 — Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose 
between him and me, I'd choose him.
 — Leslie: What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!?
 — Donna: I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in 
Seattle, the fiance in Denver...
 — Leslie: Huh!?
 — Donna: It won't last.
%
 — Ann: Okay we need to talk!
 — Leslie: I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent 
from that new town you might move to!!
%
[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts]

 — Ron: Why are you doing this?
 — Leslie: What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally 
binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?
 — Ron: You have lost your mind.
 — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.

[Everyone storms out]

 — Leslie: Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead!! Is that better!?!
%
 — Ron: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?
 — Eagleton Ron: Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural 
plant extract.
 — Ron: Shut your damn mouth.
 — Eagleton Ron: No need to curse.
 — Ron: There most certainly is!
%
 — Leslie: Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All 
Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally.
%
 — Leslie: So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're 
not "Ann pretty" but you have potential.
 — Evelyn: ...Thank you but I don't work in this department-
 — Leslie: Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie.
%
[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers]

 — Leslie: Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then 
become familiar best friends.
 — Craig: I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo 
gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!
 — Leslie: Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys 
remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig 
said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do 
you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.

[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie]

 — Ron: This way please.
 — Leslie: Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best 
friends attack Ron!!!

[Everyone looks very confused]
%
 — Ron: Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!?
 — Leslie: I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as 
I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!!
 — Ron: ...
 — Leslie: Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris.
 — Ron: Well that's nice.
 — Leslie: Nice, Ron!?  Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically 
hot betrayal!!!
%
 — Leslie: We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my 
opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark 
stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to 
do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall 
Knope? Don't."
 — Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"
 — Leslie: ...Yeah that's a much better idea.
 — April: Can I have these question mark stickers?
 — Leslie: Why?
 — April: I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]
 — Leslie: April no!
%
 — Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to 
my wife"?
 — Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
 — Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had 
the same will since I was eight years old.
 — Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the 
man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
 — Ron: The man who kills me will know.
 — Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. 
You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
 — Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, 
congressman and doctor. Pass.
 — Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if 
you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the 
government.
 — Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?
%
 — Leslie: That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying?
 — Donna: Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that 
was your thing.
 — Leslie: My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making 
friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really 
cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo!
 — Donna: Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about 
work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.
%
 — Leslie: I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying?
 — Chris: No.
 — Leslie: Are you lying?
 — Chris: No.
 — Leslie: Are you trying to protect my feelings?
 — Chris: No.
 — Leslie: Do you think I'm being annoying right now?
 — Chris: Yes.
 — Leslie: So you do think I'm annoying!
 — Chris: I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think 
that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that 
driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of 
things. I like cooking. And racquetball!
 — Leslie: Now who's annoying?
 — Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns 
out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall 
haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. 
#BossBitch."
 — Leslie: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet 
for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch."
 — Chris: It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her 
frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like 
racquetball, for your mouth.
%
 — Leslie: I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one person's 
annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are we to 
judge?
 — Donna: And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things.
 — Leslie: I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the 
future.
 — Donna: And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.
 — Leslie: Deal.

[They shake hands]

 — Leslie: I got you an apology present.
 — Donna: Oh?
 — Leslie: It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got 
the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same 
time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you 
feel about them individually.
 — Donna: Let me take a picture.
 — Leslie: Are you tweeting this?
 — Donna: Mmmhmm.
 — Leslie: What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?"
 — Donna: Yeah it's "PsychoBoss."
 — Leslie: Well, I don't hate that.
%
 — Leslie: I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.
 — Jamm: Uh  no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're 
Zuko.

[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease]

 — Chris: [To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No 
twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty!
%
 — Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his 
financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for 
the land.
 — Ron: Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin?
 — Donna: I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. 
Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi...
 — Ron: You're describing a hotel.
%
 — Jamm: You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you 
when you're gone.
 — Leslie: Oh...
 — Jamm: You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.
 — Leslie: You want to be Lex Luthor?
 — Jamm: Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich.
 — Leslie: Well okay. I can't argue with that.
%
 — Leslie: Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting!
 — Chris: She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the 
University of Michigan. Go Blue!
 — Leslie: ...
 — Chris: It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family.
 — Leslie: What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no 
"Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! 
It's ridiculous!
%
 — Jamm: Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going 
for but I dig your gambit.
 — Leslie: There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the 
way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.
 — Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice 
very grating.
 — Leslie: I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home.
%
[After making a deal with Jamm]

 — Jamm: Deal guys. You must really want that park.
 — Leslie: I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best 
friend. [talking about Ann]
 — Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.
 — Leslie: ...
%
 — Leslie: Are you sure you're okay with what you did?
 — Chris: Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on 
the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.
 — Leslie: Mmmhmmm
 — Chris: And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away.
 — Leslie: Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening.
%
 — Ben: Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city 
counselor so everyone be extra supportive.
 — Ron: Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind 
nod.
 — Ben: ...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on 
her last day. Any ideas?
 — Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay 
away from wine! Wine is crying juice.
 — Larry: Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really 
want more than anything in the world?
 — Ben: ...A nice candle! I'm screwed.
%
 — Leslie: Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone 
through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat 
adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the 
episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it 
that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now.
%
[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein]

 — Dr. Saperstein: So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus 
I've ever seen. This could be a superhero!
 — Chris: Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you 
destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!!!
 — Ann: We love you!
 — Dr. Saperstein: I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex?
 — Chris: Oh my God! Should we?
 — Ann: No, right? Or maybe yes?
 — Chris: Is there an option other than yes or no?
 — Dr. Saperstein: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. 
Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila!
 — Ann: That'll be fun!
 — Chris: It's like the Oscars!
 — Ann: Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait 
no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great!
 — Chris: ...
%
[Ann and Chris are having lunch]

 — Chris: I would be thrilled if we have a girl!
 — Ann: Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it!
 — Chris: And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily...
 — Ann: Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! 
[To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you 
don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your 
face into the deep fryer!!

[The waitress starts nervously walking away]

 — Chris: And also two waters please but no hurry.
 — Ann: Thank you!
%
[reading Dr. Saperstein's note]

 — Chris: We are having a...distributions.
 — Ann: ...
 — Chris: That's what it looks like. "Distributions."
 — Ann: Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says "I 
Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf?
 — Chris: We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet."
 — Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation!! The suspense is 
killing me!!
 — Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.
 — Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I 
hope so.
%
 — Leslie: Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a 
big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City 
Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.
 — Everyone: ...
 — Leslie: Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's 
happening? Right?
 — Tom: Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the 
worst.
 — Leslie: April?
 — April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned 
into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.
 — Leslie: Andy?
 — Andy: I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go 
through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three 
days.
 — Leslie: Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words 
carry great influence so what do you think I should do?
 — Ron: I do not think that you should run again.
 — Leslie: What the Hell do you know dum dum!!?
%
 — Jennifer: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting?
 — Leslie: Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family?
 — Jennifer: Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of 
that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?
 — Leslie: ...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk.
%
 — Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. 
But why would you want to?
 — Leslie: Because it's my dream job.
 — Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by 
monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at 
a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in 
the school parking lot.  Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and 
confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for 
kicks.
 — Leslie: Is that what you did?
 — Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee 
has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got 
name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a 
thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are 
doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you 
to lie.
%
 — Jennifer: Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're 
gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars.
 — Leslie: Uh...I just need to...
 — Jennifer: I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me 
$1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you 
Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move 
this back? Don't answer it!
%
 — Leslie: Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
 — Ron: Dear God woman!
 — Leslie: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my 
personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like 
an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I 
have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
 — Ron: We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]
 — Leslie: Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else.

[Leslie spots baby John in the corner]

 — Leslie: [Gasps] Oh my God whose baby is that!?
 — Ron: That would be mine.
 — Leslie: Guys get in here!! Ron has a baby!!
 — Andy: Oh Ron. Cool baby.
 — Ron: Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, 
John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing 
multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of 
silence. Please keep your voices down.
 — Leslie: How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, 
and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!!
 — Ron: Why would you need to know something like that?
 — Leslie: [pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent 
Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift 
yet!
 — April: Should we do something?
 — Ron: Just let her tire herself out.
 — Larry: If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.
 — Ron: Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet 
store and pick up some fish food for me?
 — Leslie: WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?
%
 — April: Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the 
graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"
 — Leslie: I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the 
worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle 
giving the middle finger.
 — Andy:Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.
%
 — Leslie: A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it 
is time to tear down this wall!

[Applause from crowd]

 — Leslie: In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the 
first strike. Take it away guys!

[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall]

 — Leslie: It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the 
hole] BEES!! BEES!! NOBODY PANIC!!

[Everyone starts screaming and running away as the bees start stinging people]

 — Craig: [running away] OHHH NOOO!!!
 — Random Citizen: AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!!
 — Jamm: [filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid 
Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight 
to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK!! FUCK!!
 — Andy: [shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung 
once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!
%
 — Reporter: Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were 
from Eagleton. How did you pull that off?
 — Leslie: I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest 
to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing 
at the Eagletonians.
 — Reporter: How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take 
to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?
 — Leslie: They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a 
prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should 
treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their 
walls for bees!
 — Reporter: Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there!
 — Leslie: Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out]
 — Reporter: What else can you do with your bees!?
 — Reporter: Leslie what's your next prank!?
%
 — Larry: Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks 
Service.
 — Leslie: I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! 
Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee 
hole disaster!
 — Larry: Okey dokey.
 — Leslie: Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my 
bee hole.
%
 — Leslie: I am so incredibly sorry.
 — Eagletonian: That's very kind of you Miss Knope.
 — Leslie: I hope you look a lot less gross very soon.
%
 — Jamm: Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go 
there for me? Some dirty mags?
 — Leslie: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who 
got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain!
 — Jamm: Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang.
%
 — Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live 
ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving 
cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.
 — Leslie: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came 
here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.
 — Mike Patterson: Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, 
known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm.
 — Jamm: Excuse me Mike, that's best friend.
 — Leslie: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and 
bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who!
 — Jamm: Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from 
Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!?
 — Leslie: Mine! It was my idea!
 — Mike Patterson: You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie 
Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. 
And I for one am sick of it.
%
 — Leslie: The point is, will you go to Prom with me?
 — Ben: Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of 
course I will.
 — Leslie: Yay!!! Prom!!!
%
 — Leslie: Tom, you're in charge of music.
 — Ben: Aww man. Well alright.
 — Leslie: Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little 
puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws.
 — Donna: Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you 
two. Ya'll are an official warning.
%
 — Leslie: Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were 
discontinued.
 — Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.
 — Leslie: Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business!
 — Allison: They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca.
 — Ben: ...What is happening right now?
%
 — April: Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live 
together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.
 — Larry: What does laked mean?
 — Andy: I tried to jump it over a lake!! Why don't you stay out of our 
conversations Larry!!
 — Larry: Will do! [chuckles and walks off]
%
 — Leslie: We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April 
Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I 
don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program.
%
 — Ron: What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of 
freedom?
 — Allison: ...
 — Leslie: That's what he calls City Hall.
 — Allison: Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was 
thinking about taking it.
 — Ron: [laughing] Oh no no no no!! No! I respect your father too much to let 
his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job 
for the summer?
 — Leslie: Why don't you shut your mustache!!?
 — Allison & Ron: ...
 — Leslie: Sorry.
%
 — Ben: My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the house 
without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living room...I 
think I'm still messed up from it.
%
 — Leslie: [in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I 
will defeat you! Mark my words!
 — Ron: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships.
%
 — Ron: I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we 
slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at 
the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown 
it.
%
 — Andy: Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an 
eagle's poetry.
 — April: Andy. I hate teenagers!
 — Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's 
like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. 
Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I 
watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good 
movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance?
%
 — Leslie: So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a 
little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm 
handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion.
 — Allison: So just...pull the rope.
 — Leslie: That's right!
%
 — Donna: I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. Like 
I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Dukes to the final 
four.
 — April: I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a 
good time.

[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time]

 — April: How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?
 — Donna: That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the 
most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be 
direct.

[guy walks up to Donna]

 — Guy: Hey girl. Are you ready to go?
 — Donna: I feel like I told you to wait in the car.
 — Guy: ...Yeah. [walks off]
 — Donna: See? Be direct.
%
 — Ron: Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your 
awkward, close quarters gyrating.

[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage]

 — Leslie: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection 
please!!
%
 — Girl: Where'd you get that dress?
 — April: I was buried in it.
 — Girl: ... [awkwardly walks away]
%
 — Ben: You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.
 — Tom: Yeah. You're old as shit!! Thanks Ben.
 — Ben: Glad I could help.
%
 — Allison: Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend.

[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison]

 — Leslie: [shocked] ...Greg Pikitis?
 — Greg: What up Knope!?
 — Leslie: Hello Gregory.
 — Allison: You guys know each other?
 — Leslie: You might say that.
 — Greg: Come on baby, let's get out of here.

[Greg and Allison walk away]

 — Ron: It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right?
 — Leslie: Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible 
judgement.

[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling 
her dress to a tablecloth]

 — Leslie: PIKITIS!!
%
 — Leslie: It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work 
to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our 
poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's 
history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant 
"ethically reprehensible."
%
 — Leslie: Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! 
People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry.

[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk]

 — Larry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home?
 — Leslie: The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail.
%
 — April: April Ludgate, professional drinker.
 — Woman: Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate?
 — April: The Wine...Academy.
 — Woman: The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!?
 — April: Yes!
 — Woman: Carol. Make sure she's in Group A.
 — Craig: Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know 
everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and 
this is my debit rewards card!
%
 — Andy: I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the 
candy isles but won't get any.
 — Leslie: You can buy two candies.
 — Andy: TWO!? [runs off]
 — Pharmacist: Can I help you?
 — Leslie: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, 
it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good 
stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff.
%
[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel]

 — Craig: Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly 
pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!!
 — April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and 
just a hint of a robot's bathwater.
 — Craig: It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace 
beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night 
sky is full of stars!!
 — April: This comes from...your mother's butt.
%
 — Chip McCapp: Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!!? And stack em 
for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!
 — Chip's Dad/Manager: You got it Chip!
 — Chip McCapp: Ugh my dad is such an idiot.
 — Andy & Leslie: ...
%
 — Chip's Dad/Manager: Here you go Chip.
 — Chip McCapp: Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey!! You 
dick!! I want ham!!
 — Chip's Dad/Manager: Sorry son they were out of ham.
 — Chip McCapp: Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?

[throws plate at his Dad]

 — Chip McCapp: Pick em up skip.
 — Andy: [whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks 
that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!
 — Leslie: [whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.
 — Chip McCapp: Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!!
 — Chip's Dad/Manager: Anticipating Chip!
%
 — Official: Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of 
a Sommelier Certificate.
 — April: Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so 
much everyone!! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you 
spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid.
 — Official: Security!

[security begins to escort April out]

 — April: I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh 
Pluto Nash. All the Klumps...
%
 — Eagleton Ron: Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine 
evening?
 — Ron: Motherfucker!
 — Ben: Whoa where'd you come from?
 — Eagleton Ron: Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether 
your conception of time is linear or circular.
 — Ben: ...What?
 — Eagleton Ron: Hello Ron.
 — Ben: Ron, you know this hobo?
 — Eagleton Ron: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
 — Ben: Dude, are you a ghost?
 — Eagleton Ron: Am I?
 — Ben: ...What is happening right now!?!
%
 — Leslie: You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and 
you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms!! 
...That make us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go 
Andy!
%
 — Tom: Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd 
have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
 — Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!!!
%
 — Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
 — Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.
%
[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig]

 — Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?
 — Tom: Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.
 — Craig: You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with 
your fish.
 — Donna: No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.
 — April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a 
glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around 
please.
 — Craig: ...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]
 — Tom: Seems to be keeping it together
 — Craig: [from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I 
KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!!!

[Craig comes back with the wine]

 — Craig: For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring 
out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which 
should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would 
you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.
 — Tom: Thanks very much!
 — Craig: Enjoy. [walks out]
 — Tom: I think I might have found my new sommelier.
 — Craig: [from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!!
 — Tom: I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.
%
 — Ben: So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.
 — April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.
 — Leslie: That's great April! How'd you do that!?
 — April: It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing 
Anthony Kiedis.
%
 — Leslie: We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity 
concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The 
Stream with a Sacajawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, 
microphones, water, that boring stuff too.
%
 — Andy: I am not good at keeping secrets!! That's exactly what I told Kyle 
when he told me his wife was cheating on him.
 — Kyle: ANDY! COME ON!!
 — Andy: Ah!! See!
 — Kyle: Not cool man!!
 — Andy: Not him! Not that Kyle!
%
 — Donna: You wanted to see me?
 — Ron: Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor.
 — Donna: WHAT!??! Ron Swanson asking for help!?
 — Ron: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!!!
%
[Leslie is getting an ultrasound]

 — Dr. Saperstein: Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's 
your healthy baby!
 — Leslie: Oh wow.
 — Dr. Saperstein: Oh! And there's another one!
 — Ben: The baby has two bodies?
 — Leslie: Twins! Ben we're having twins!
 — Dr. Saperstein : No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.
 — Leslie: ...Triplets!? Triplets!?
 — Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of 
cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a 
bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!
 — Ben: Triplets...
 — Leslie: Triplets...
%
 — Leslie: I can't believe it!! We knocked it out of the park on the first 
try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!
 — Ben: This is insane.
 — Leslie: This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we 
got the proof!
 — Dr. Saperstein: Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more 
frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to 
releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean 
to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."
%
 — Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all 
our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot 
higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to 
RELAX?!

[Leslie enters]

 — Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?
 — Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love 
you.

[Leslie exits]

 — Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.
%
 — Andy: Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.
 — April: Lie.
 — Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.
 — April: ...
 — Andy: Leslie is dying-
 — April: No.
 — Andy: They're both dying.
 — April: No!
 — Andy: I'm dying.
 — April: ...
 — Andy: Chris and Ann are moving.
 — April: They already moved.
 — Andy: They are moving again to China...town in France.
 — April: No!
 — Andy: Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?
 — April: Yes!
 — Andy: Leslie. Is. A spy.
 — April: No.
 — Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt.
 — April: Oh my God.
%
 — Leslie: Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert 
right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who 
just hit triple cherries in her uterus.
 — Ben: We're screwed.
%
 — Ben: Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!
 — Leslie: Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of 
my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like 
To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.
%
 — April: Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret 
anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but 
if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.
 — Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to 
keep my word.

[April shrugs]

 — Andy: But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell 
you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?
 — April: Okay!

[Leslie & Ben walk in]

 — Leslie: Everybody if you could gather around!
 — Andy: [pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!!
%
 — Ben: You're ready?
 — Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.
%
— Jamm: Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.
 — Leslie: Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact 
with you again.
 — Jamm: I missed you too.
%
 — Leslie: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all 
the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust 
my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel 
vision about achieving my goals.
%
[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee]

 — Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to 
apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, 
we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los 
Angeles not a wine.
 — Joan: Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?
 — Ben: No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
 — Joan: WHAT!?
%
 — Tom: Round of drinks for everyone on the house!!
 — Andy: Yeah!! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. 
And a spaghetti to go. On the house!!
%
 — Joan: [Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...
 — Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
%
 — Ron: How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience 
with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and 
land.
 — Leslie: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!!
%
 — Leslie: I didn't even get a chance to say my plan!
 — Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan?
 — Leslie: Please don't say Hitler-
 — Jamm: Adolf Hitler!
%
 — Leslie: Ron! What did you do!?
 — Ron: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.
 — Leslie: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away 
from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and 
Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!!
%
 — Leslie: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you 
have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that.
 — Jamm: Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat 
steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.
 — Leslie: I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems 
like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You 
love Porschs and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card.
 — Jamm: Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know 
it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly 
sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right!

[Jamm breaks down crying]

 — Jamm: Oh God!
 — Leslie: Oh boy...
 — Jamm: Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought 
so!
 — Leslie: Well...
 — Jamm: [Crying] Oh God! Oh God!
 — Leslie: Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken 
you! You need to get away from her!

[Jamm pulls some of his hair out]

 — Jamm: Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!!

[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically]
%
 — Leslie: Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can 
resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] 
Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you 
say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh?
 — Jamm: [whispering] Do it!
 — Ron: There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the 
pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!
%
 — Leslie: [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've 
got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get 
gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder]
 — Ron: This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!
%
[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two]

 — Tammy Two: Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies?
 — Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up.
 — Tammy Two: Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to 
you?
 — Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the 
steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.
 — Tammy Two: [In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby!
 — Leslie: We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?
 — Jamm: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY!
 — Leslie: Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible...
%
 — Jamm: It's over Tammy.
 — Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we 
consummate our relationship tonight!?

[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of 
the library]

 — Tammy Two: Huh? Let's do it!
 — Ron: Oh ho ho and the last card is played!
 — Leslie: What are you doing!?
 — Random Lady: Shhh! This is a library!
 — Leslie: Do you see what's happening here!?!
%
 — Jamm: Ron I need that crotch blinder!
 — Ron: No you don't! Just end it!
 — Tammy Two: Look at my boobs.
 — Jamm: No!
 — Tammy Two: Look downstairs.
 — Jamm: No!
 — Tammy Two: There's a prize inside for you.
 — Jamm: It's over Tammy.
 — Tammy Two: What!?
 — Jamm: To Hell with you woman. Goodbye!

[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over 
bookshelves]

 — Tammy Two: HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK!! THEY ALL 
COME BACK!! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!!
 — Ron: Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all 
along.
 — Tammy Two: COME ON EVERYBODY!! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!!
%
[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until 
they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why 
Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.]

 — Leslie: Ron, what are you doing?
 — Ron: I know I saw it. Aha!

[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.]

 — Ron: Detonator...

[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the 
Parks Department.]

 — Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...

[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore 
in front of it.]

 — Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out 
of here!
 — Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second...
 — Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the 
right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and 
walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!
 — Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...
 — Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!

[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases 
confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."]

 — Leslie: Ooh!

[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.]

 — Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks 
Director.
 — Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially 
defused claymore mine.
 — Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I 
filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.
 — Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?
 — Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on 
your desk?
%
 — Ron: You left.  Then about a month later you took Terry with you.
 — Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there 
is.
 — Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had 
become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good 
to pass up so I didn't try to stop her.  Then Tom left to run his business, 
Donna left to run hers.  One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone.  
So I made a decision.  An unthinkable decision.

[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office]

 — Leslie: Hey!  Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me?  Is that Ron Swanson?
 — Ron Hello, Leslie.  Hello, April, Larry.
 — Larry: Uh, it's Terry now.
 — Ron: OK.  As luck would have it-

[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate]

 — Leslie: Just a second.  Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the 
northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting 
forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, 
this is a crazy day.  So what's up with you, you big lug?
 — Ron: Nothing important.  Just thought you might want to have lunch.  
Tomorrow?
 — Leslie: I would love to!  It's been too long!  JJ's Diner, 12:30.
 — Ron: Excellent.  See ya then.
 — Leslie: OK!
 — April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in 
Washington to prep.
 — Leslie: Oh my God, really?
 — April: Yep.
 — Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, 
meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line]  Hey 
babe, I gotta go to Washington.  Can you pick up the kids?

[cuts back to 2017]

 — Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch.
 — Ron: You did, yes.  I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure 
out what had happened.  Your life seemed pretty hectic.
 — Leslie: Is that the rest of the story?  That I stood you up? [Ron goes 
silent]  You were going to ask me something.  That's why you wanted to have 
lunch.  Ron, you were going-?
 — Ron: I was going to ask you for a job.  In the federal government.  Just 
saying it out loud feels dirty.
 — Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third 
floor and work with us again.  I can't even imagine how hard that must have 
been for you.  God, why didn't I see that?  Ron, I'm so sorry.  I should have 
been a better friend to you.
 — Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine.  It was a punctuation mark on a sentence 
that had already been written.  My time in government work was over.  Sure, I 
love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside...
 — Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful.
 — Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave.  And I didn't feel like 
explaining why to you or anyone.  Everything that happened after - the fight we 
had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar 
development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that.  I had 
a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I 
looked around this office, nothing was the same.
 — Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.

[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, 
and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there]
%
 — Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
 — Leslie: People are idiots, Ron.
%
 — Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago 
when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a 
fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical 
Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.
%
 — Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but 
planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, 
vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig.
%
 — Donna: The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My 
cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote 
her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended 
at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an 
international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that 
flatware.
%
 — Leslie: Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going 
to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you.
 — Roz: Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're 
gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds?! [the kids 
run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!!?
 — Leslie: [to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're 
tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children.
 — Ben: Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you.
 — Leslie: I love you more than Ben.
 — Ben: ...
 — Leslie: I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But 
if you left me...I would never recover.
 — Roz: [touched] Thanks. That helps.
%
 — Ben: Things aren't that chaotic.
 — Roz: [running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke 
everything you own!

[loud crash in the background]

 — Roz: I don't know what that was.
%
 — Gayle: Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is 
giving his lady friend a gift.
 — Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.
 — Gayle: Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you!
 — Jerry: Oh sweetie!!
 — Ron: Control yourselves Gergichs!!!
%
[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by]

 — Jen: Whoa! What was that!!? That was huge!!
%
 — Roz: Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of 
Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at.
 — Jen: I mean this is chaos.
%
 — Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but 
seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like 
"Nicey-Meany."
 — April: Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were 
arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970.
%
 — Andy: Here are all the troublemakers boss.
 — April: Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no 
more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop 
making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit!! 
And Ginuwine...
 — Ginuwine: ...Yes?
 — April: Get it together!
 — Ginuwine: [crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this.
 — April: [mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!!
%
 — Leslie: Babe you are killing it!
 — Ben: I am right!?
 — Leslie: Yes!!
 — Ben: Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also 
I have a little secret, I'm drunk!
 — Leslie: I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip of 
wine!
 — Ben: I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent.
%
 — Ben: [drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here 
to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the 
bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and 
your just like "What!? It's you!! I love you!! You're my sexy roommate!! We 
love each other!!"
 — Leslie: Wooo!! He's talkin about me!!
 — Ben: Yes I am baby doll!! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are 
great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing 
going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!!

[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing]

 — April: You want me to shut that down?
 — Donna: No I liked it. Let the little man dance.
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 — Ben: Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we?
 — Leslie: Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times.
%
 — Jen: You left me four messages last night.
 — Ben: What?
 — Jen: They contain very specific policy positions.

[Jen holds up her phone]

 — Ben: [over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack hard 
into fiscal responsibility!
 — Ben: Oh God...
 — Leslie: [over phone] 867-5309!!!
 — Jen: I love that song.
 — Leslie: [over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!!!
 — Leslie: Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was.
 — Jen: Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna 
fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time.
%
 — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!!
 — Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet.
 — Leslie: [crying] But you're gonna be very soon!
 — Donna: Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie but 
on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. Ya'll 
inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle.

[Michelle walks up]

 — Donna: Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost 
touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never 
gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this 
wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were 
never gonna walk again so this should be easy right?
 — Leslie: Wow what a complicated tapestry that is!
%
 — Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are 
finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.
%
 — Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged 
brother, Levandrious!!

[gasps from the crowd]

 — Levandrious: What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your 
wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago.
 — Donna: What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!!
 — Levandrious: Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident.
 — Donna: Yeah!
 — Levandrious: Don't worry. I brought it back.

[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground]

 — Levandrious: Now no-one gets any popcorn!

[Donna looks at April and smiles]
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 — Leslie: What did I do wrong now?
 — Elise Yartkin: No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your 
speech.
 — Leslie: Really!?
 — Elise Yartkin: But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie a 
platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this 
year's IOW Woman of the Year.
 — Leslie: Son of a bitch!!
%
 — Ron: [In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your 
construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar.
%
[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just 
had a library named after her.]

 — Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library?
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[The series' last lines]

 — Ben: You ready, babe?
 — Leslie: Yes. I'm ready.
%