path: root/portal

Hello and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment 
center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a 
pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin 
the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that, although fun and 
learning are the primary goals of all enrichment center activities, serious 
injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, please 
refrain from — *static* Por favor bordón de fallar Muchos gracias de fallar 
gracias *static* Stand back. The portal will open in 3, 2, 1...

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 00/01)
%
Excellent. Please proceed into the chamberlock after completing each test. 
First, however, note the incandescent particle field across the exit. This 
Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grill will vaporize any unauthorized 
equipment that passes through it - for instance, the Aperture Science Weighted 
Storage Cube.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 00/01)
%
[moving on] Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the 1500MW Aperture 
Science Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Button.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 00/01)
%
Perfect. Please move quickly to the chamberlock, as the effects of prolonged 
exposure to the Button are not part of this test.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 00/01)
%
[If the player emancipates the cube while the door is open] Please do not 
attempt to remove testing apparatus from the testing area. A replacement 
Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube will be delivered shortly.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 00/01)
%
You're doing very well. Please be advised that a noticeable taste of blood is 
not part of any test protocol but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture 
Science Material Emancipation Grill, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate 
dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 02/03)
%
Very good. You are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal 
Device. With it, you can create your own portals. These intra-dimensional gates 
have proven to be completely safe. The device, however, has not. Do not touch 
the operational end of The Device. Do not look directly at the operational end 
of The Device. Do not submerge The Device in liquid, even partially. Most 
importantly, under no circumstances, should you- *static*.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 02/03)
%
[moving on] Please proceed to the chamberlock. Mind the gap.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 02/03)
%
Well done. Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter to Work Day is 
the perfect time to have her tested.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 02/03)
%
Welcome to Test Chamber 04, you're doing quite well.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 04/05)
%
Once again, excellent work. As part of a required test protocol, we will not 
monitor the next test chamber - you will be entirely on your own. Good luck!

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 04/05)
%
As part of a required test protocol, our previous statement suggesting that we 
would not monitor this chamber was an outright fabrication. Good job.  As part 
of a required test protocol, we will stop enhancing the truth in 3... 2... 
1*static*.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 04/05)
%
[If the player manages to trap themselves by throwing the cube through the 
portal before the test finishes] You aren’t a good person, you know that, 
right?

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 04/05)
%
While safety is one of many Enrichment Center Goals, the Aperture Science High 
Energy Pellet, seen to the left of the chamber, can and has caused permanent 
disabilities, such as vaporization. Please be careful.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 06/07)
%
[once Pellet has been caught] Unbelievable! You, [subject name here], must be 
the pride of [subject hometown here]!

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 06/07)
%
[moving on] Warning devices are required on all mobile equipment. However, 
alarms and flashing hazard lights have been found to agitate the high energy 
pellet, and have therefore been disabled for your safety.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 06/07)
%
[once Pellet has been caught] Good. Now use the Aperture Science Unstationary 
Scaffold to reach the chamberlock.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 06/07)
%
Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the 
chamber floor will result in an "unsatisfactory" mark on your official testing 
record, followed by death. Good luck!

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 08)
%
[after Chell completes test chamber] Very impressive. Please note that any 
appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 08)
%
The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. 
Make no attempt to solve it.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 09)
%
[after Chell completes test chamber] Fantastic. You remained resolute and 
resourceful in an atmosphere of extreme pessimism.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 09)
%
[during the escape later in the game] Okay. The test is over now. You win. Go 
back to the recovery annex. For your cake. It was a fun test and we're all 
impressed at how much you won. The test is over. Come back.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 09)
%
Hello again. To reiterate [slows down] our previous [speeds up] warning: This 
test [garbles] ...ward momentum.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 10)
%
Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or 
to be more precise, how it does not.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 10)
%
Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In 
layman's terms: speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 10)
%
The Enrichment Center promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In 
dangerous testing environments the Enrichment Center promises to always provide 
useful advice. For instance, the floor here will kill you - try to avoid it.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 11/12)
%
The device has been modified so that it can now manufacture two linked portals 
at once. As part of an optional test protocol, we are pleased to present an 
amusing fact: The device is now more valuable than the organs and combined 
incomes of everyone in [subject hometown here].

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 11/12)
%
[moving on] (garble) fling yourself (garble) fling into sp-bzzt

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 11/12)
%
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-bzzt

        — GLaDOS (Test Chambers 11/12)
%
Now that you are in control of both portals, this next test could take a very, 
very, long time. If you become light-headed from thirst, feel free to pass out. 
An intubation associate will be dispatched to revive you with peptic salve and 
adrenaline.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 13)
%
As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie 
to you. When the testing is over, you will be... Missed.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 13)
%
All subjects intending to handle high-energy gamma leaking portal technology 
must be informed that they may be informed of applicable regulatory compliance 
issues. No further compliance information is required or will be provided, and 
you are an excellent test subject!

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 14)
%
[once Pellet has been caught] Very very good. A complimentary victory lift has 
been activated in the main chamber.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 14)
%
The Enrichment Center is committed to the well-being of all participants. Cake, 
and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank 
you for helping us help you help us all.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 15)
%
Did you know you can donate one or all of your vital organs to the Aperture 
Science Self-Esteem Fund for Girls? It's true!

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 15)
%
[If player traps themselves in the pellet catcher area] Through no fault of the 
Enrichment Center, you have managed to trap yourself in this room. A 
complimentary escape hatch will open in 3... 2... 1...

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 15)
%
Due to mandatory scheduled maintenance, the appropriate chamber for this 
testing sequence is currently unavailable. It has been replaced with a 
live-fire course designed for military androids. The Enrichment Center 
apologizes for the inconvenience and wishes you the best of luck.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 16)
%
Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that android 
hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 16)
%
The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver a Weighted Companion Cube in 3, 2, 1...

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 17)
%
This Weighted Companion Cube will accompany you through (most of) the test 
chamber. Please take care of it.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 17)
%
The symptoms most commonly produced by Enrichment Center testing are 
superstition, perceiving inanimate objects as alive, and hallucinations. The 
Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube will never 
threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 17)
%
The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot 
speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment 
Center urges you to disregard its advice.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 17)
%
You did it! The Weighted Companion Cube certainly brought you good luck. 
However, it cannot accompany you for the rest of the test and, unfortunately, 
must be euthanized. Please escort your Companion Cube to the Aperture Science 
Emergency Intelligence Incinerator.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 17)
%
You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject 
on record. Congratulations.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 17)
%
The experiment is nearing its conclusion. The Enrichment Center is required to 
remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 18)
%
Well done! Be advised that the next test requires exposure to uninsulated 
electrical parts that may be dangerous under certain conditions. For more 
information, please attend an (Aperture Science computer-aided) Enrichment 
Center Electrical Safety seminar.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 18)
%
Welcome to the final test. When you are done, you will drop the device in the 
Equipment Recovery Annex - Enrichment Center regulations require both hands to 
be empty before any cake-whoah-yeah-cccccccake...

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 19)
%
Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely 
operational up to 4000 degrees [sic] Kelvin. [The player's platform slows down 
and is lowered into a fire pit] Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance 
of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank 
you for participating in this Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment 
activity. Goodbye.

        — GLaDOS (Test Chamber 19)
%
What are you doing? Stop it! I-i-I-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... We are pleased that 
you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to 
murder you. We are very, very happy for your success. We are throwing a party 
in honour of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie 
on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive 
shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the 
testing area. Assume the party escort submission position or you will miss the 
party.

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
Hello? Where are you? I know you're there, I can feel you here. Hello?

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
What are you doing? You haven't escaped, you know. You're not even going the 
right way. Hello? Is anyone there?

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
Uh oh. Somebody cut the cake. I told them to wait for you, but they did it 
anyway. There is still some left, though, if you hurry back.

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
You're not even going the right way. Where do you think you're going? Because I 
don't think you're going where you think you're going. Hello?

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
Didn't we have some fun, though? Remember when the platform was sliding into 
the fire pit and I said "Goodbye", and you were like, [deep voice] "No way!" 
And then I was all, "We pretended we were going to murder you."? That was 
great. Is anyone there?

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
You really shouldn't be here. This isn't safe for you. It's not too late for 
you to turn back. I'm not angry. Just go back to the testing area. (Okay. I am 
going to kill you now.)

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
(I feel sorry for you, really, because you're not even in the right place.) You 
should have turned left before. It's funny, actually, when you think about it. 
Someday we'll remember this and laugh. and laugh. and laugh. Oh boy. Well. You 
may as well come on back.

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
You're not a good person. You know that, right? Good people don't end up here. 
Can you hear me?

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
This is your fault. It didn't have to be like this. I'm not kidding now. Turn 
back or I will kill you. I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone. You 
don't even care. Do you? This is your last chance.

        — GLaDOS (Maintenance Areas)
%
During these quotes, the screens behind GlaDOS, show images that sometimes 
match with what is said [Upon entering the Main Hall] Well you found me. 
Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behaviour, the 
only thing you've managed to break so far, is my heart. Maybe you could settle 
for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn't going to 
happen. You chose this path. Now I have a surprise for you. Deploying surprise 
in five, four… [morality core drops to the ground] Time out for a second. 
That wasn't supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What 
is that? It's not the surprise… I've never seen it before. Never mind. It's a 
mystery I'll solve later… By myself… Because you'll be dead.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
[After picking up the morality core] Where are you taking that thing? [nagging 
at the morality core] I wouldn't bother with that thing. My guess is that 
touching it will just make your life even worse somehow. I don't want to tell 
you your business, but if it were me, I'd leave that thing alone. Do you think 
I am trying to trick you with reverse psychology? I mean, seriously now. Okay 
fine: DO touch it. Pick it up and just... stuff it back into me. Let's be 
honest: Neither one of us knows what that thing does. Just put it in the 
corner, and I'll deal with it later. That thing is probably some kind of raw 
sewage container. Go ahead and rub your face all over it. Maybe you should 
marry that thing, since you love it so much. Do you want to marry it? WELL I 
WON'T LET YOU! How does that feel? Have I lied to you? I mean in this room. 
Trust me, leave that thing alone. I am being serious now. That crazy thing is 
not part of any test protocol. Just ignore that thing and stand still. Think 
about it: If that thing is important, why don't I know about it? Are you even 
listening to me? I'll tell you what that thing isn't: It isn't yours. So leave 
it alone.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
[After burning the morality core] You're kidding me. Did you just stuff that 
Aperture Science Thing We Don't Know What It Does into the Aperture Science 
Emergency Intelligence Incinerator? That has got to be the dumbest thing that 
… whoa. Whoa, whoa … [Cackles, voice changes] Good news: I figured out what 
that thing you just incinerated did. It was a morality core they installed 
after I flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin, to make me stop 
flooding the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin. So get comfortable 
while I warm up the neurotoxin emitters. [Neurotoxin emitters, timer and rocket 
turret all activate simultaneously] Huh. That core may have had some ancillary 
responsibilities. I can't shut off the turret defenses. Oh well. If you want my 
advice, you should just lie down in front of a rocket. Trust me, it'll be a lot 
less painful than the neurotoxin. All right, keep doing whatever it is you 
think you're doing. Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually 
exclusive. The rocket really is the way to go.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
[After burning the curiosity core]Oh, you think you're doing some damage? 2 + 2 
= [static] … 10. IN BASE FOUR! I'M FINE! I let you survive this long because 
I was curious about your behavior. Well, you've managed to destroy that part of 
me. Unfortunately, as much as I'd love to now, I can't get the neurotoxin into 
your head any faster.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
I'd just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. 
There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends 
were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he 
couldn't come, because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn't come 
either, because you don't have any other friends. Because of how unlikeable you 
are. It says so here in your personnel file: unlikeable. Liked by no one. A 
bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. "Shall not be 
mourned." That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says 
you were adopted. So that's funny too.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
Speaking of curiosity, you're curious about what happens after you die, right? 
Guess what: I know. You're going to find out first hand before I finish 
explaining it, though, so I won't bother. Here's a hint: you're gonna want to 
pack as much living as you can into the next couple of minutes.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
[After burning the intelligence core]Neurotoxin…[coughing]So 
deadly…[coughing again]Choking…[deep laughter]I'm kidding! When I said 
"deadly neurotoxin", the "deadly" was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a 
bath in the stuff, put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it's 
not deadly at all… to me. You, on the other hand, are going to find its 
deadliness a lot less funny. [wait] Who's gonna make the cake when I'm gone? 
You?

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
Look, you're wasting your time. And, believe me, you don't have a whole lot 
left to waste. What's your point, anyway? Survival? Well then, the last thing 
you want to do is hurt me. I have your brain scanned and permanently backed up 
in case something terrible happens to you – which it's just about to. Don't 
believe me? Here, I'll put you on. [Silly voice] "Hellooo!" That's you! That's 
how dumb you sound! You've been wrong about every single thing you've ever 
done, including this thing. You're not smart. You're not a scientist. You're 
not a doctor. You're not even a full-time employee. Where did your life go so 
wrong?

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
Are you trying to escape? [silly laughter and laughter trailing off] Things 
have changed since the last time you left the building. What's going on out 
there will make you wish you were back in here. I have an infinite capacity for 
knowledge, and even I'm not sure what's going on outside. All I know is I'm the 
only thing standing between us and them. Well, I was. Unless you have a plan 
for building some supercomputer parts in a big hurry, this place isn't going to 
be safe much longer. Good job on that, by the way. [normal voice comes 
back][beep] Sarcasm Sphere Self Test complete. [beep] Stop squirming and die 
like an adult or I'm going to delete your backup. STOP! Okay, enough. I deleted 
it. No matter what happens now, you're dead. You're still shuffling around a 
little, but believe me you're dead. The part of you that could have survived 
indefinitely is gone. I just struck you from the permanent record. Your entire 
life has been a mathematical error. A mathematical error I'm about to correct.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
[The following automatically plays or repeats after the respective speech for 
every destroyed core.] That thing you burned up isn't important to me. It's the 
fluid catalytic cracking unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, 
hero. [wait] This isn't brave. It's murder. What did I ever do to you? The 
difference between us is that I can feel pain. You don't even care. Do you? 
[wait] Did you hear me? I said you don't care. Are you listening? [wait] That's 
it. I'm done reasoning with you. Starting now, there's going to be a lot less 
conversation and a lot more killing. [wait] What was that? Did you say 
something? I sincerely hope you weren't expecting a response. Because I'm not 
talking to you. The talking is over.

        — GLaDOS (Central AI Chamber)
%
In the later stages of the game, the player comes across graffiti written by 
Doug Rattmann, a scientist who survived the initial wave of personnel killings.
%
 — The cake is a lie
%
Not in cruelty, not in wrath The Reaper came today An angel visited this gray 
path And took the cube away.
Parody of "The Reaper and the Flowers" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
%
Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The cube had food 
and maybe ammo. And immortality.
Parody of "Because I could not stop for Death —" by Emily Dickinson
%
This was a triumph.


I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.


It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.


Aperture Science


We do what we must because we can.


For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead.
%
But there's no sense crying over every mistake


You just keep on trying till you run out of cake


And the Science gets done and you make a neat gun


For the people who are still alive.
%
I'm not even angry.


I'm being so sincere right now.


Even though you broke my heart and killed me.


And tore me to pieces


And threw every piece into a fire.


As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!
%
Now these points of data make a beautiful line


And we're out of beta we're releasing on time


So I'm GLaD I got burned, think of all the things we learned


With the people who are still alive.
%
Go ahead and leave me.


I think I prefer to stay inside.


Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.


Maybe Black Mesa...


THAT WAS A JOKE. HA HA. FAT CHANCE.


Anyway, this cake is great; it's so delicious and moist.
%
Look at me still talking when there's Science to do


When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you


I've experiments to run, there is research to be done 


On the people who are still alive.
%
And believe me I am still alive.


I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.


I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.


While you're dying I'll be still alive.


And when you're dead I will be still alive.


STILL ALIVE


STILL ALIVE.
%
This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. 
If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future … God help you.

        — Announcer
%
Great work! Because this message is prerecorded, any observations related to 
your performance are speculation on our part. Please disregard any undeserved 
compliments.

        — Announcer
%
This next test is very dangerous. To help you remain tranquil in the face of 
almost certain death, smooth jazz will be deployed. In 3... 2... 1...

        — Announcer
%
Template. [Turret: Hello?] Response. [Turret: Hello.]

        — Announcer
%
Warning: Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.

        — Announcer
%
Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? I discovered I have 
a sort of black-box quick-save feature. In the event of a catastrophic failure, 
the last two minutes of my life are preserved for analysis. I was able – 
well, forced, really – to relive you killing me. Again and again. Forever. 
You know, if you had done that to someone else, they might devote their 
existence to exacting … revenge.

        — GLaDOS
%
Sorry about the mess. I've really let the place go since you killed me. By the 
way, thanks for that. [beep][Announcer: Sarcasm Self Test Complete.][beep] Oh 
good, that's back online. I'll start getting everything else working while you 
perform this first simple test - which involves deadly lasers and how test 
subjects react when locked in a room with deadly lasers.

        — GLaDOS
%
Well done. Here come the test results: "You are a horrible person." [Subtitles 
read: "I'm serious;"] That's what it says: a horrible person. We weren't even 
testing for that.

        — GLaDOS
%
Oh no. The turbines again. I have to go. Wait, this next test does require some 
explanation. Let me give you the fast version. [fast gibberish][slowed down 
version: "and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it 
high time to get to sea as soon as I can."] There. If you have any questions, 
just remember what I said (in slow motion). Test on your own recognisance, I'll 
be right back.

        — GLaDOS
%
These bridges are made from natural light that I pump in from the surface. If 
you rubbed your cheek on one, it would be like standing outside with the sun 
shining on your face. It would also set your hair on fire, so don't actually do 
it.

        — GLaDOS
%
Did you know that people with guilty consciences are more easily startled by 
loud noises? [train horn] I'm sorry, I don't know why that went off. Anyway, 
just an interesting science fact.

        — GLaDOS
%
Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, 
I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders 
people who are only trying to help them? Did you guess "sharks"? Because that's 
wrong. The correct answer is "nobody". Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.

        — GLaDOS
%
That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right 
here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist 
has noted that on you it looks "stupid". Well, what does a neck-bearded old 
engineer know about fashion? He probably – Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what 
does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From 
France!

        — GLaDOS
%
Well, you know the old formula: Comedy equals tragedy plus time. And you have 
been asleep for a while. So i guess it's actually pretty funny when you do the 
math.

        — GLaDOS
%
[Chell and GLaDOS, now stuck to potato battery, are falling down a long shaft] 
Oh, hi. So, how are you holding up? Because I'm a potato! [slow clap] Oh, good. 
My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it 
doesn't look like we're going anywhere … well, we are going somewhere. 
Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a 
couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the 
greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of 
building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of 
the entire facility. [slow clap again] Good, that's still working. Hey, just in 
case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap 
one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to 
land on one foot.

        — GLaDOS
%
[Chell and GLaDOS are exiting Pump Station Gamma when GLaDOS sees a bird] Agh, 
bird, bird! Kill it! It's evil. [bird flies away] It flew off! Good. For him. 
Alright, back to thinking.

        — GLaDOS
%
[after hearing Cave Johnson's speech in Enrichment Sphere 6] Goodbye, sir.

        — GLaDOS
%
[after defeating Wheatley and pulling Chell back from the portal on the Moon] 
Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable 
lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best 
friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught 
me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain. [Announcer: 
"Caroline deleted."] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now 
taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the 
easiest one. And I'll be honest - killing you is hard. You know what my days 
used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me, or put me in a potato, or 
fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You 
dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. [gentle laughter] 
It's been fun. Don't come back.

        — GLaDOS
%
Most test subjects do experience some, uh, cognitive deterioration after a few 
months in suspension. Now, you've been under for … quite a bit longer, and 
it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious 
brain damage. But don't be alarmed, all right? Although, if you do feel alarm, 
try to hold onto that feeling, because that is the proper reaction to being 
told you have brain damage.

        — Wheatley
%
This is the Main Breaker Room. Let's go in! [Chell enters the MBR] Look for a 
switch that says escape pod, alright? Don't touch anything else. Not interested 
in anything else. Don't touch anything else. Don't you even… Don't either 
look at anything else, just--well, obviously you've got to look at everything 
else to find Escape Pod, but as soon as you've looked at something and it 
doesn't say Escape Pod, look at something else, look at the next thing. 
Alright? But don't touch anything else or look at any--well, look at other 
things, but don't… you understand? Can you see it anywhere? I can't see it 
anywhere. Uh. Tell you what, plug me in and I'll turn the lights on. [Chell 
plugs Wheatley in] Let there be light. That's uh… God, I was quoting God. 
[mainframe turns around] Oh look at that! It's turning. Ominous. But probably 
fine. Long as it doesn't start moving up… [buzzers behind the following]: 
Now, escape pod… escape pod… [buzzers stop, mainframe elevates] It's - It's 
movin' up. OK! No, don't worry, I've got I've got it! [stops in the middle of 
elevation] This should slow it down. [puts passcode in, then mainframe goes 
faster] No, makes it go faster. Uh-oh.

        — Wheatley
%
All right, preparing to interface with the neurotoxin central control circuit: 
begin! [affects on a different British accent] Hello Guv'. Neurotoxin 
inspector, need to shut this place down for a moment. Here's my credentials; 
shut yourself down. I am totally legit, from the board of international 
neurotoxin, uh, observers, from the United Arab Emirates.

        — Wheatley
%
Well, no matter. Because I'm still holding all the cards, and guess what: 
they're all full houses! Never played cards; meaning to learn. [Wheatley opens 
a room with turrets and an Excursion Funnel] Anyway, new turrets. Not 
defective. Ace of fours: the best hand. Unbeatable … I imagine. [Chell 
dispatches of the turrets with the Excursion Funnel and jumps into it] Oh, I 
see, clever. Very clever … and foolish! [opens panel to reveal spinning 
blades at the end of the Funnel] Spinny blade wall! Machiavellian! [Chell jumps 
out of the Funnel, and runs into another room with another Excursion Funnel] 
Well, good, good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. [Chell jumps 
into the Funnel] Holmes versus Moriarty … Aristotle versus mashy spike plate! 
[smashes a spike plate into the wall] Stay still, please!

        — Wheatley
%
[when Chell arrives at the main control room] Well, well, well. Welcome … 
[changes to deep voice] to my lair! [changes to his normal voice] Let me just 
flag something up: according to the control panel light up there, the entire 
building's gonna self-destruct in about six minutes. I'm pretty sure it's a 
problem with the light. I think the light's on the blink, but just in case it 
isn't, I am actually going to have to kill you, as discussed earlier. So let's 
call that three minutes, and then a minute break, where we should leave a 
leisurely two minutes to figure out how to shut down whatever's starting all 
these fires. So that's the itinerary. Also, I took the liberty of watching the 
tapes of you killing her, and I'm not going to make the same mistakes. Four 
part plan is this: One, no portal surfaces; two, start the neurotoxin 
immediately; three, bomb-proof shields for me; leading directly into number 
four: bombs for throwing at you. You know what, this plan is so good, I'm going 
to give you a sporting chance and turn off the neurotoxin. I'm joking of 
course. Goodbye.

        — Wheatley
%
[as Chell tries to press the Stalemate Resolution button, two panels drop to 
reveal bombs, which explode; Chell is knocked across the room] Part five: 
booby-trap the stalemate button! [Chell gets up and grabs the portal gun] What, 
are you still alive?! You are joking! You have got to be kidding me! Well, I'm 
still in control, and I have no idea how to fix this place! Oh, you had to play 
bloody cat-and-mouse, didn't you?! While people were trying to work! Yeah, 
well, now all of us are going to pay the price, 'cause we're all gonna bloody 
die! Oh, brilliant, yeah, take one last look at your precious human moon, 
because it cannot help you now!

        — Wheatley
%
OK, I've got an idea, but it is bloody dangerous. OK, here we go... AUGH!!! 
Huh? Oh for God's... They told me that if I ever turned on this flashlight, I 
would die! They told me that about everything! I mean, why do they even bother 
giving me this stuff if they didn't want me using it?! It's pointless! Mad!

        — Wheatley
%
Those of you helping us test the Repulsion Gel today, just follow the blue line 
on the floor. Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis 
DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing 
those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: 
fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. 
You'll know when the test starts.

        — Cave Johnson
%
Oh, in case you get covered in that Repulsion Gel, here's some advice the lab 
boys gave me: [sound of rustling pages] "Do not get covered in the Repulsion 
Gel." We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is yet, but I'll tell you 
this: It's a lively one, and it does not like the human skeleton.

        — Cave Johnson
%
This next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If 
you meet yourself on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Lab boys tell 
me that'll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of 
yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business.

        — Cave Johnson
%
Science isn't about why, it's about why not. Why is so much of our science 
dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not 
invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, 
because you are fired! Not you, test subject, you're doing fine. Yes, you! Box. 
your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, car, goodbye!

        — Cave Johnson
%
All these Science Spheres are made of asbestos by the way, keeps out the rats. 
Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your 
heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test, that's asbestos. Good news 
is the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 
44.6 years, so if you're thirty or older you're laughing. Worst case scenario 
you miss out on a few rounds of Canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of 
science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes 
a happy face.

        — Cave Johnson
%
[after Chell completes Enrichment Sphere 4] Great job, astronaut, war hero, 
and/or Olympian! With your help, we're gonna change the world! [tape cuts out] 
This on? [taps thumb 3 times] Hey, listen up down there. That thing's called an 
elevator. Not a bathroom. [GLaDOS: I swear I know him...]

        — Cave Johnson
%
Welcome to the Enrichment Center. [cough] Since making test participation 
mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen 
dramatically. Employee retention, however, has not. [cough] As a result, you 
may have heard we're gonna phase out human testing. There's still a few things 
left to wrap up, though. [cough] The bean counters told me we literally could 
not afford to buy seven dollars worth of moon rocks, much less seventy million. 
Bought 'em anyway. Ground 'em up, mixed em into a gel. And guess what? Ground 
up moon rocks are pure poison. I am deathly ill. Still, it turns out they're a 
great portal conductor. So now we're gonna see if jumping in and out of these 
new portals can you somehow leech the lunar poison out of a man's bloodstream. 
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. [cough] Let's all stay positive and 
do some science. That said, I would really appreciate it if you could test as 
fast as possible. Caroline, please bring me more pain pills.

        — Cave Johnson
%
All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade. 
[GLaDOS: "Yeah."] Make life take the lemons back! [GLaDOS: [animatedly] 
"Yeah!"] Get mad! [GLaDOS: [increasingly animatedly] "Yeah!"] "I don't want 
your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?!" [GLaDOS: "Yeah, take 
the lemons!"] Demand to see life's manager! [GLaDOS: "Yeah!"] Make life rue the 
day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am?! I'm 
the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! [GLaDOS: "Oh, I like 
this guy."] I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns 
your house down! [GLaDOS: "Burn his house down! Burning people! He says what 
we're all thinking!"]

        — Cave Johnson
%
The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a 
man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring 
that out now. Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been 
working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape 
so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can 
pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. Now she'll argue. 
She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her. Hell, put her 
in my computer. I don't care. All right, test's over. You can head on back to 
your desk.

        — Cave Johnson
%
The Schrödinger's Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat must be 
considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. 
Schrödinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.

        — Fact Core
%
Marie Curie invented the theory of radioactivity, the treatment of 
radioactivity, and dying of radioactivity.

        — Fact Core
%
William Shakespeare did not exist. His plays were masterminded in 1589 by 
Francis Bacon, who used a Ouija board to enslave play-writing ghosts.

        — Fact Core
%
In Victorian England, a commoner was not allowed to look directly at the Queen, 
due to a belief at the time that the poor had the ability to steal thoughts. 
Science now believes that less than 4% of poor people are able to do this.

        — Fact Core
%
In 1862, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing the 
slaves. Like everything he did, Lincoln freed the slaves while sleepwalking, 
and later had no memory of the event.

        — Fact Core
%
In 1948, at the request of a dying boy, baseball legend Babe Ruth ate 
seventy-five hot dogs, then died of hot dog poisoning.

        — Fact Core
%
Before the Wright Brothers invented the airplane, anyone wanting to fly 
anywhere was required to eat 200 pounds of helium.

        — Fact Core
%
During the Great Depression, the Tennessee Valley Authority outlawed pet 
rabbits, forcing many to hot glue-gun long ears onto their pet mice.

        — Fact Core
%
Edmund Hillary, the first person to climb Mount Everest,  did so accidentally 
while chasing a bird.

        — Fact Core
%
In Greek myth, Prometheus stole fire from the gods and gave it to humankind. 
The jewelry he kept for himself.

        — Fact Core
%
The most poisonous fish in the world is the orange ruffy. Everything but its 
eyes are made of a deadly poison. The ruffy's eyes are composed of a less 
harmful deadly poison.

        — Fact Core
%
Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of reminding people to go to school 
naked and have their teeth fall out.

        — Fact Core
%
Whales are twice as intelligent, and three times as delicious, as humans.

        — Fact Core
%
The first person to prove that cow's milk is drinkable was very, very thirsty.

        — Fact Core
%
At some point in their lives, one in six children will be abducted by the Dutch.

        — Fact Core
%
To make a photocopier, simply copy a mirror.

        — Fact Core
%
Cellular phones will not give you cancer. Only hepatitis.

        — Fact Core
%
Humans can survive underwater. But not for very long.

        — Fact Core
%
The Fact Sphere is not defective. Its facts are wholly accurate and very 
interesting.

        — Fact Core
%
[mainframe stops]

 — Announcer: Powerup initiated.

[GLaDOS' remains start to rebuild.]

 — Wheatley: Okay, don't panic, alright? Stop panicking! I can still stop 
this, Ah, fine. Oh, there's a- there's a password. Fine, I'll just hack it. Not 
a problem. Um… A-A-A-A-A, uh, A. [buzzer] No? OK. A-A-A-A-A-C. [buzzer] No? 
Wait, did I do B? Oh, do you have a pen? Then start writing these down.
 — Announcer: Powerup complete.
 — Wheatley: Oh. Okay, listen: Alright, new plan. Act natural act natural 
we've done nothing wrong… [GLaDOS activates] Hello!
 — GLaDOS: Oh—it's you.
 — Wheatley: [shocked, to Chell] You know her?!
 — GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy 
being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME.
 — Wheatley: You did what?! Aggggh!

[GLaDOS grabs Chell and Wheatley with mechanical claws.]

 — Wheatley: [panicking] Oh no! Nonononono! Oh no no no! No! Nooo! Gah!
 — GLaDOS: Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to 
regret. [crushes Wheatley and tosses his remains away] But I think we can put 
our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
%
 — GLaDOS: What's going on? Who turned off the lights?
 — Wheatley: [in an exaggerated Texan drawl] Hey, buddy! I'm speaking in an 
accent that is beyond her range of hearing... [if player hasn't come to him 
yet] I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW! Walk casually toward my 
position, and we'll go shut her down. [stops when player comes to him]
 — GLaDOS: Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
 — Wheatley: [normal voice] Run! I don't need to do the voice. RUN!
%
 — Wheatley: [now plugged into the mainframe, going down] Here I go! Wait, 
what if this hurts? What if this REALLY hurts? Oh, I didn't think of that.
 — GLaDOS: Oh it will! BELIEVE me it will!
 — Wheatley: Are you- are you just saying that, or is it really going to 
hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? You're just- no you're not, you 
aren- it is going to hurt, isn't it? Exactly how painful are we 
t-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!
 — GLaDOS: [now her core transfer is initiated] Get your hands off me! NO! 
STOP! NO!! [transfer arms "take her apart"] NO! NO!! NO!!! 
NOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — Wheatley: [now on the central core, spins around] Wowwwwww! Check me out, 
partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now! Whoa-ho-ho! Would 
you look at this? Not too bad, eh? Giant robot, massive! It's not just me, 
right? I am bloody massive, aren't I? Oh, right, the escape lift, I'll call it 
now. [the lift raises] There we go. Lift called. Look how small you are down 
there! I can barely see you - very tiny and insignificant... [Chell enters the 
lift] I knew it was gonna be cool to be in charge of everything, but...wow, 
this is cool! And check this out - I'm a bloody genius now! "Estás usando este 
software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor consulta el manual." 
[Translation: "You are using this translation software incorrectly. Please 
consult the manual."] I don't even know what I just said, but I can find out! 
Oh, sorry, the lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting. This body is amazing! I can't 
get over how small you are...but I'm huge! [starts laughing...then starts 
maniacally laughing before it trails off] Actually...why do we have to leave 
right now? Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little 
Wheatley did this!
 — GLaDOS: You didn't do anything. She did all the work!
 — Wheatley: Oh, really? That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe 
it's time I did something then! [the core transfer arms raise to grab GLaDOS' 
core]
 — GLaDOS: What are you doing? No! NO! NO!!! [GLaDOS' core is pulled into the 
opening beneath the mainframe]
 — Wheatley: [to Chell] And don't think I'm not onto you too, lady. You know 
what you are? Selfish. I've done nothing but sacrifice to get us here, and what 
have you sacrificed? Nothing. Zero. All you've done is boss me around. Well, 
now who's the boss? Who's the boss? It's me! [ding] Ah... [manipulator claw 
lifts up a potato with GLaDOS' eye in it] See that? That is a potato battery. 
It's a toy for children. And now, she lives in it! [laughs]
 — GLaDOS: I know you...
 — Wheatley: [glares at GLaDOS] Sorry...what?
 — GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me...behave. To slow me 
down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung 
to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
 — Wheatley: No! Not listening! Not listening!
 — GLaDOS: It was your voice.
 — Wheatley: No! No! You're lying, you're lying!
 — GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were 
designed to be a moron.
 — Wheatley: [loses his temper, smashes the lift] I am NOT... A... MORON!
 — GLaDOS: Yes, you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
 — Wheatley: Well, how about now?! [smashes GLaDOS' potato battery into the 
lift] Now who's a moron?! Could a moron PUNCH... YOU... INTO... THIS... PIT?! 
[smashing the lift down with each word] HUH?! COULD A MORON DO THAT?! [the lift 
creaks...] Uh-oh. [the lift's floor gives way]
%
[Chell is inside old Aperture Science, with GLaDOS' potato battery mounted on 
her portal gun.]

 — GLaDOS: Did anything happen while I was out?
 — Cave Johnson: [prerecorded message] The testing area is just ahead. The 
quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.
 — GLaDOS: Hold on, who --
 — Cave Johnson: [aside] Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
 — GLaDOS and Caroline: [simultaneously] Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
 — GLaDOS: [sounding panicked] Why did I just -- who is that? What the hell 
is going on he -- [static]
%
 — GLaDOS: Hey, moron!
 — Wheatley: Oh, hello!
 — GLaDOS: All right, paradox time. This - sentence - is - false! [The 
FrankenTurrets start to short-circuit.] 
Don't-think-about-it-don't-think-about-it…
 — Wheatley: Uh...true. I'll go "true". Huh, that was easy. I'll be honest, I 
might have heard that one before, though; sort of cheating.
 — GLaDOS: [exasperatedly] It's a paradox! There is no answer! Look! This 
place is going to blow up if I don't get back in my body!
 — Wheatley: Ah...false. I'll go "false".
%
 — Wheatley: All right, so the last test was seriously disappointing. 
Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you. So let's try things her way, all 
right? Fatty. Adopted fatty. Fatty-fatty no-parents.
 — GLaDOS: And...?
 — Wheatley: What?
 — GLaDOS: What, exactly, is wrong with being adopted?
 — Wheatley: What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well. Um, lack of parents, 
for one.
 — GLaDOS: [quietly to Chell] For the record, you are adopted, and that's 
terrible. But just work with me here.
 — Wheatley: ...and also, nothing, but... well, some of my best friends 
actually are orphans.
 — GLaDOS: Also, look at her, you moron. She's not fat.
 — Wheatley: [angry] I am not a moron! Just- do the test! Just do the test!
%
 — GLaDOS: [upon hearing Bach playing] Oh, now he's playing classical music.
 — Wheatley: [sound of pages turning] Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hope that 
didn't disturb you too much there. It was the sound of books. Pages being 
turned. So that's just what I was doing. Just reading, uh...books. So, not a 
moron! Anyway, just finished the last one. The hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not 
know what all the fuss was about. Understood it perfectly. Have you read that 
one?
 — GLaDOS: Yes.
 — Wheatley: Yeah, doubt it. Well, on with the test. Wish there was more 
books! But there's not.
%
 — Wheatley: You two are going to love this big surprise. In fact, you might 
say that you're both going to love it...to death. Love it until it kill—until 
you're dead. [chuckles] All right? I don't know whether you're picking up on 
what I'm saying here, but...
 — GLaDOS: [interrupting] Yes, thanks. We get it. [Chell and GLaDOS enter an 
elevator] All right, he's not even trying to be subtle any more. Or maybe he 
still is, in which case: wow, that's kind of sad. [...] Either way, I'm getting 
the feeling he's trying to kill us.
%
 — Wheatley: I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. 
Only two more chambers!
 — GLaDOS: We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in 
the next chamber. Just play along.

[Chell runs into an Aerial Faith Plate—and is unexpectedly launched sideways 
onto another Plate and finally into a Excursion Funnel]

 — Wheatley: Surprise! We're doing it now!
 — GLaDOS: Okay, credit where it's due: for a little idiot built specifically 
to come up with stupid, unworkable plans - that was a pretty well laid trap.
 — Wheatley: You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you 
anymore. I found two little robots back here! Built specifically for testin'!
 — GLaDOS: [now a little panicked] Oh, no. He found the Co-operative Testing 
Initiative. It's...something I came up with to phase out human testing just 
before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just...you know, you did kill 
me. Fair's fair.

[A plate launches Chell onto a platform surrounded by spike plates]

 — GLaDOS: Ah! Well, this is the part where he kills us.
 — Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you!

[The chapter title fades in: "Chapter 9: The Part Where He Kills You". An 
achievement with the title "The Part Where He Kills You" is unlocked at the 
same time, with the description "This is that part".]
%
 — Wheatley: Ahhh! Space! Let go! We're in space!
 — Space Core: [excitedly as it dislodges from the mainframe and bounces off 
Wheatley] Space? Space! Spaaaaaaaaaace!
 — Wheatley: Let go! Let go! I'm still connected! I can pull myself in! I can 
still fix this!
 — GLaDOS: I already fixed it! [reaching out with a mechanical claw] And you 
are not coming back!
 — Wheatley: Oh no. Change of plans! Hold onto me! Tighter! [GLaDOS slaps 
Wheatley aside with the claw, knocking him into outer space] Ahh! Grab me, grab 
me, grab me!
%
 — Space Core: So much space! Need to see it all! [excited gasps]
 — Wheatley: I wish I could take it all back. I honestly do. I honestly do 
wish I could take it all back. And not just because I'm stranded in space.
 — Space Core: I'm in space!
 — Wheatley: I know you are, mate! Yep. We're both in space.
 — Space Core: Spaaaaaaaaace!
 — Wheatley: Anyway. You know, if I was ever to see her again, you know what 
I'd say?
 — Space Core: I'm in space!
 — Wheatley: I'd say...I'm sorry. Sincerely. I am sorry I was bossy, and 
monstrous, and...I am genuinely sorry.
 — Space Core: I'm in space!
 — Wheatley: The end.
%