path: root/brooklyn-nine-nine

— Santiago: If I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need 
my rabbi.
 — Peralta: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's gonna be a washed-up 
pencil-pusher who's only concerned with [robot gestures, robotic voice] 
following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep, robot captain engaged!
 — Holt: [standing right behind Peralta] Is that what you think?
 — Peralta: [stands up, turns around, smiles] H-hey! New captain alert! 
[looks around, laughs awkwardly] You must be the new C.O.! I'm Detective Jake 
Peralta, great to meet you—
 — Holt: Now don't let me interrupt, you were describing what kind of person 
I'm going to be. I'd like you to finish.
 — Peralta: Nah, that's not necessary. [Holt looks back, stone-faced] Or I 
could recap, very quickly, sure! Um, let's see, I think I said some joke about 
you being a washed-out pencil-pusher—
 — Holt: Now do the robot voice. The robot voice you were doing when you 
implied I'm a rule-following robot. I want to hear it again.
 — Peralta: [looks around nervously, speaks more quietly, does robot 
gestures] Um, meep-morp. Zarp. Robot!
 — Holt: That's a terrible robot voice.
 — Peralta: Yup.
 — Holt: The next time I see you I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.
%
 — Holt: That's fine work, detective.
 — Peralta: [wearing a tie] Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can 
be achieved when you dress appropriately. [stands, revealing that he's wearing 
Speedos and no trousers]
 — Holt: [smiles slightly] You know what? Such fine police work, let's share 
it with the whole team. Santiago, Boyle, Diaz, get in here! Bring everyone! And 
a camera!
 — Peralta: That's not necessary—
 — Holt: [with the squad behind him] Let's have a hand for the fine master 
detective Jake Peralta!
%
 — Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage 
dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which?
 — Peralta: [Points at one] That one's the dump?
 — Holt: They're both your locker.
 — Peralta: Gah, I should've guessed that. [To the other detectives] He's 
good!
 — Holt: [Picking up a folder off Peralta's desk] This folder is labeled 
"Undies, Dirty".
 — Peralta: So I won't confuse it with "Undies, Clean". Also, who cares about 
all these rules? I have more felony arrests than any other detective here!
 — Holt: You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective!
[Holt pulls open one of Peralta's desk drawers, revealing a mouse is indeed 
living inside, amongst bottles and a messy stack of papers]
 — Peralta: Algernon! You guys, Algernon's back! [Picks up Algernon]
 — Holt: Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together. Now. [Leaves]
 — Peralta: [To Algernon] He's grumpy.
%
[NYPD Deputy Commissioner Podolski has arrived at the 99th Precinct, bullied 
Peralta into releasing his son Trevor, the one who'd been tagging NYPD vehicles 
with spray paint cans, resulting in thousands of dollars in expenses. Podolski 
has left the building; Peralta comes into Holt's office and drops his report on 
Trevor on Holt's desk.]
 — Peralta: Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore. The 
case is officially out of my hands. No charges filed.
 — Holt: [Examining the report] Why is there yogurt on this?
 — Peralta: The Deputy Commissioner threw my report into Terry's trash can. 
And he'd been eating yogurt earlier.
 — Holt: Terry loves yogurt. Something wrong?
 — Peralta: Yeah. I called six precincts about this kid! He's been brought in 
a dozen times. Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly- but he's never been 
processed. His daddy comes in and bails him out every time! He's a lucky little 
jerk.
 — Holt: No, I wouldn't say lucky. I feel bad for this kid. I mean, what kind 
of father cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with 
everything? [Seemingly nonchalant] Well, he's someone else's problem now. Like 
you said, it's out of your hands.
 — Peralta: All right, I see what you're trying to do, but it's not gonna 
work. I'm not gonna arrest him. I'm gonna arrest him!
 — Holt: You want backup?
 — Peralta: Yes!
%
 — Amy: For the last time, the best cop movies in order: Training Day, Lethal 
Weapon, and Fargo. End of discussion.
 — Jake: Wrong. Die Hard is the greatest cop movie of all time. One cop 
saving the day while everyone else stands around and watches. It's the story of 
my life.
 — Boyle: I like Turner & Hooch. Tom Hanks, reluctant friendship with a dog. 
That hits me where I live.
 — Diaz: No. RoboCop. It's got everything I like. Gratuitous violence...
 — Jake: Oh, I thought you were listing things.
 — Diaz: I was. I'm done.
 — Gina: Let's talk Bad Boys, that's the perfect cop movie. Mr. Smith, 
lookin' fine, a hot cup of Tea Leone. Come on.
 — Terry: Francois Truffaut's Breathless. What? Terry likes foreign films.
 — Jake: Mm-kay. There is a correct answer to this question, though. So 
gather 'round for the greatest cop film of all time, and please refrain from 
texting during our presentation. [Presses a key on his computer] All right, so 
there's Hitchcock and there's an old hooker.
[In the video, Hitchcock approaches the hooker while his car's dash cam 
records. He tries to ask her a question, but the hooker kicks him in the nuts.]
 — Hitchcock: Oh, come on, you guys! That happened four years ago!
 — Jake: Shh, this is the best part. She comes back, takes the wallet, and 
here she goes!
[The hooker in the video kicks Hitchcock in the nuts again]
%
 — Amy: You wanted to see me, Captain?
 — Holt: Yes, the D.A. wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the 
Jay Street drug bust.
 — Amy: That's why we do this, sir.
 — Holt: For praise?
 — Amy: Uh...
 — Holt: There's a community outreach program that is very important to me. I 
was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
 — Amy: Absolutely, sir! I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders 
it up. I will dive in, and swim around it, and just be altogether go-good with 
it.
 — Holt: Be more articulate when you speak the children.
 — Amy: Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.
%
 — Holt: Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork 
on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't 
close any" on a piece of paper.
 — Scully: You got it.
 — Amy: I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
 — Holt: Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
 — Jake: [Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.
 — Amy: No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
 — Holt: Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
 — Amy: No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one 
that was talking!
 — Jake: God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
 — Amy: Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.
 — Holt: Santiago! Anything else?
%
 — Jake: I happen to be a very good secondary.
[In a flashback]
 — Amy: So you were just borrowing those cars?
[Jake starts banging on the one-way glass from outside the interrogation room]
 — Jake: Ask about his bank account. Ask about his bank account! Ask him 
about his bank- [The glass shatters] -account. You should ask him about his 
bank account. [Leaving] Captain! Santiago broke the glass!
%
 — Boyle: You talking oldest bags? 68.
 — Santiago: That's not that old.
 — Boyle: Yeah, but I was only 20.
 — Jake: 20? Were you even a cop then?
 — Boyle: No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.
[Everyone is confused for a moment]
 — Diaz: Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
 — Diaz, Jake, Santiago: Ew!
 — Boyle: Yeah, 68, like I said.
 — Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?
 — Boyle: You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, 
you-
 — Jake: No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's 
grandma!
 — Boyle: She was, actually; that's how I met her.
 — Santiago: Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]
 — Boyle: Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip 
with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!
 — Jake: That is no one's fantasy!
%
 — Jake: Captain, please, please, pretty please do not let him take over my 
case!
 — Holt: Major Crimes is stepping in. Nothing I can do. You're off the case.
 — Jake: I can't believe you're just stepping in and giving my murder away to 
The Vulture!
 — Boyle: We call him The Vulture because he solves cases that are almost 
solved and takes the credit for himself.
 — Holt: Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context. First of all, Major 
Crimes has jurisdiction over any and all cases they want to take, but more 
importantly, you're the one who insisted on working alone. I told you for weeks 
to use the squad, and you refused.
 — Jake: I used them. I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew, 
and Charles caught a dog.
 — Holt: Oh, congratulations, Detective Boyle. You should've involved him 
sooner. Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.
 — Boyle: Sir, call him The Vulture. Giving him a name makes him human.
 — Holt: Turn over the files.
 — Jake: Fine. But in protest, I'm walking over there extremely slowly! 
[Starts to walk out of Holt's office extremely slowly, but gives up after a few 
seconds] God! This is so boring!
 — Holt: For both of us.
%
 — Jake: I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than 
any of 'em.
 — Boyle: Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".
 — Jake: Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.
 — Terry: Oh, come on.
 — Holt: I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% 
sure you'd be caught.
 — Jake: Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.
 — Holt: I didn't issue a challenge.
 — Jake: Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your 
office?
 — Holt: My Medal of Valor.
 — Jake: God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that 
by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.
 — Holt: Why would I possibly agree to that?
 — Jake: Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. 
And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts 
outside of work. But if I win-
 — Holt: You won't.
 — Jake: -you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and 
spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an 
amazing detective/genius.
 — Holt: And this won't interfere with you doing your job?
 — Jake: You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I 
will do all of my work, guaranteed.
 — Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.
 — Jake: All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.
%
 — Jake: 20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me.
 — Holt: I think you mean "Checkmate". You really need to learn how to play 
chess. How'd you get everyone to help you?
 — Jake: I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing 
speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.
[In a flashback, Jake is standing on a chair in front of the other detectives, 
speaking in a terrible Scottish accent.]
 — Jake: For too long we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But 
no more! For today, we defeat him!
[Back in the interrogation room.]
 — Holt: And that worked?
 — Jake: No. Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them. So I bribed 
them. I told them that if we pulled this off I would do all of their paperwork. 
And since you're doing all of my paperwork...
 — Holt: I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done.
 — Jake: Thank you, sir.
[Holt goes to the interrogation room door and opens it.]
 — Boyle: In fact, the thing you failed to see, Captain, is that teamwork is 
the... [Holt walks out of the room past him.]
 — Jake: Captain! Sir? He's not coming back.
%
 — Holt: Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.
 — Boyle: Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]
 — Jake: Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]
 — Holt: No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have 
the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.
[The officers and detectives in the briefing room groan.]
 — Amy: Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?
 — Jake: Some pretty ironclad stuff.
[In a flashback, Jake approaches Dustin Whitman at a magazine stand.]
 — Jake: Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
 — Dustin: Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]
 — Jake: Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!
[Back in the briefing room.]
 — Jake: Case closed?
[Amy shakes her head and glares.]
 — Holt: If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and 
opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until 
this is over.
 — Amy: Damn it, Peralta!
[The officers and detectives groan again and throw some balls of paper at Jake.]
 — Holt: Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their 
weekend.
 — Jake: But?
 — Holt: That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a 
fact is.
%
 — Diaz: Damn it, that is amazing.
 — Gina: This is so good I hate it!
 — Boyle: You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said "bitches", I'm 
just really worked up.
%
 — Terry: The D.A. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.
 — Diaz: Why? I'm fine on the stand.
[Cut to a courtroom flashback.]
 — Diaz: Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dum-dums can 
understand: Man did crime!
[In another courtroom flashback.]
 — Diaz: Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
 — Attorney: Crying?
[In a third courtroom flashback.]
 — Diaz: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those 
little fingers.
 — Judge: Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!
%
 — Holt: Got Halbrook to cop to every charge. Nice work, Santiago.
 — Amy: Thank you, sir. Peralta figured out the pattern, though, so he should 
get credit for the collar. Have you seen him?
 — Holt: I sent him home. He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
 — Amy: Yeah, but that caveman kind of had it coming, don't you think? Oh. He 
didn't tell you.
 — Holt: Tell me what?
 — Amy: Never mind. If Jake didn't tell you, he must have had a reason. It's 
not my place.
 — Holt: I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.
 — Amy: I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you 
anything.
%
 — Jake: It's good to see you, Sal. I'm so sorry about the fire.
 — Sal: I can't believe it's gone, Jakey. All of it. The pizza oven. The 
first dollar bill I ever made. The 7-Up fridge.
 — Jake: Hey, it's gonna be all right. You'll rebuild.
 — Sal: The Fire Department's been asking a lot of questions.
 — Jake: Oh, Fire Department questions. Let me guess: "What part of my face 
do I put food in? How do you count to one? What's air?"
 — Sal: They think I torched my own place. You know I wouldn't do something 
like that, right?
 — Jake: Yeah, of course. But can you think of anybody who might've done it?
 — Sal: I can think of ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. That jerk 
Mario comes to mind. We share a delivery radius.
 — Boyle: Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. He 
might've wanted to move up the ladder.
 — Jake: Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?
 — Boyle: Yeah.
 — Jake: Okay, we'll start with him. Then we'll move on to the rest of your 
competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.
 — Boyle: It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop 
at home for a pizza bib?
 — Jake: No, Charles, we gotta go fast.
 — Boyle: Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.
 — Jake: No, no bib! We're gonna solve this for you, Sal. Sit tight.
%
 — Holt: So of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you 
think I should hire?
 — Terry: Well, the interviews got a little off-track. But I'd go with Simon 
Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years-
 — Gina: That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question 
about Jay-Z three times in a row.
 — Terry: Why's that important?
 — Gina: Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with 
Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do 
you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?
 — Terry: Fine. What about this guy?
 — Gina: No! He was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction the 
last time the printer jammed?
 — Terry: Fine. But what was with the flossing?
 — Gina: A police precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. Blood, wounds, 
Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, 
we have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
 — Terry: That punk who hacked us?
 — Gina: Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest 
strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.
 — Holt: Get to the point.
 — Gina: Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller 
and thicker than ever.
 — Terry: But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
 — Gina: His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get 
outta that snitch's house. [Laughs] If I had a mike right now, I'd drop it.
%
 — Terry: Scully.
 — Scully: Hey there, Sarge.
 — Terry: I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
 — Scully: Oh, no.
 — Terry: Where is it?
 — Scully: No, I don't!
 — Terry: Is it in your pockets?
 — Scully: Oh, come on!
 — Terry: I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.
[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]
 — Scully: Sarge! Oh, Sarge!
 — Hitchcock: Go limp, Scully!
 — Scully: This is fun!
 — Terry: Release! Your! Sweets!
%
 — Holt: Same to you, your Honor. [Hangs up the phone.]
 — Jake: Oh, what judge were you talking to?
 — Holt: That was my mother.
 — Jake: You call your mom "your Honor"?
 — Holt: She's a federal judge on the 9th Circuit. What else would I call her?
%
 — Jake: Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?
 — Norman Lee: He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give 'im a haircut. 
I don't know what's going on.
 — Jake: A likely story, Pontiac- actually, you do have a lot of hair 
products.
 — Diaz: He's gone. He ran.
 — Jake: Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit; that 
was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit.
%
 — Jake: So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out 
the basement. Am I right?
 — Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to 
a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!
 — Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He 
pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you 
go to the next meeting by yourself.
 — Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!
 — Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty 
disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
 — Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last 
time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!
 — Diaz: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to 
dinner?
 — Doug Judy: Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm 
tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. 
Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, 
like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! 
Bitch!
%
 — Amy: Peralta.
 — Jake: Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?
 — Amy: I was born ready.
 — Jake: To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you 
said you were born that way.
 — Amy: Twist my words all you want.
 — Jake: Okay.
 — Amy: I'm winning this bet.
 — Hitchcock: What bet? What're you guys talking about?
 — Terry: Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes 
up all the time. What are you doin all day?
 — Hitchcock: Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?
%
[Two men have backed a cargo truck up to a building one night and are getting 
to work as Jake and Amy approach them.]
 — Jake: All right, fine, darling; I'll ask him. Excuse me, sir!
 — Man: We're kind of busy here.
 — Jake: Yeah, my girlfriend here, thinks we're lost.
 — Amy: No, I know we're lost! I think he's an idiot.
 — Jake: Idiot?! Do you know why we're out here in the middle of the night, 
Susan? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.
 — Amy: Brooklyn Bridge?! We met on the Manhattan Bridge!
 — Jake: You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything 
it represents! [Jake holds up the ring and throws it away.]
 — Amy: [Gasps] You son of a bitch!
 — Man: Hey! Stop yelling.
 — Jake: Hey, no one talks to Susan like that. And you know what else? [Jake 
and Amy draw their concealed pistols] On the ground! NYPD! You're under arrest! 
[The two men put their hands behind their heads and get on their knees.] Nice 
work.
 — Amy: You, too.
 — Man: I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back 
together.
%
 — Terry: The Ebony Falcon needs to read Go, Dog, Go! !
 — Jake: Yeah, he does! Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me!
 — Terry: You don't wanna do this, man.
 — Jake: No, I really do.
 — Terry: It hurts you every time.
 — Jake: No, I know, but I'm fired up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me 
through. Here we go!
[Terry and Jake chest-bump, and Terry effortlessly knocks Jake to the floor.]
%
 — Diaz: Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?
 — Gina: Emotionally? $700 million.
%
 — Terry: What's my name?
 — Jake: Terry Jeffords.
 — Terry: WHAT IS MY NAME?!
 — Jake: The Ebony Falcon.
 — Terry: And what does the Ebony Falcon do?
 — Jake: Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety?
 — Terry: [Growls]
 — Jake: Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
 — Terry: Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and 
too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits. 
[Terry leaves]
 — Jake: Terry loves yogurt.
%
[Before the detectives start a football game]
 — Jake: We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face 
the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department. [The two teams approach 
each other] Fire Marshal Boone; we meet again.
 — Boone: Detective Paralta. Your fly is down. I made you look.
 — Jake: I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts; there is no fly.
 — Boone: That's not what your mom said.
 — Jake: You make no sense.
 — Boone: And now I'm inside your head.
 — Jake: Prepare to die.
%
[Operation Broken Feather has commenced; the detectives are stalling The 
Vulture as Jake works to get a confession from a suspect.]
 — Jake: Okay, Gus. I don't have a lot of time. I need your full, signed 
confession. We have four minutes. We can do this.
 — Gus: But I'm not guilty.
 — Jake: [Slams his hands on the table and leans in] Listen to me, Gus. We 
can do this, son!
%
 — Amy: Everyone, check your email. The greatest thing that could ever happen 
has just happened.
 — Jake: The girl who beat you for high school valedictorian died?
 — Amy: No, "Kevin Cozner requests your presence at Raymond's birthday party."
 — Jake: Who's Kevin Cozner? Is he the star of Danzez With Wolvez?
 — Diaz: He's Captain Holt's husband. Captain Raymond Holt? We're invited to 
the captain's birthday party.
 — Jake: Oh, the captain's party and whatnot.
 — Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house! I'm gonna learn 
everything there is to know about him.
 — Boyle: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
 — Jake: No, it's probably just an empty white cube, with a USB port in it 
for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.
 — Holt: Apparently my husband Kevin has invited you to all to my party. 
There is very little street parking, no gifts, no singing of "Happy Birthday". 
Should be fun.
 — Amy: Sounds fantastic!
[Holt goes back inside his office.]
 — Jake: Did you hear that? His husband invited us; not him. He so doesn't 
want us there.
 — Amy: Yes, he does!
 — Gina: Mm, it was kind of a last-minute invite. Just stirring the pot.
 — Boyle: Why wouldn't Holt want us there?
 — Jake: Because he thinks we're gonna embarrass him in front of his husband. 
Which, frankly, is insulting! [Stands up, flipping a bowl on his desk over.] 
Aw, man. All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.
%
[Peralta enters wine shop]

 — Jake: Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.
 — Clerk: That will be $1,600.
 — Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-Est bottle of wine, please.
%
 — Jake: Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner.
 — Kevin: What do you want?
 — Jake: I'd like to talk to you about a case I solved.
 — Kevin: Thank you, but just as with my home, my office has a strict "no cop 
talk" policy.
 — Jake: I figured. But the case that I have solved is the case of the "no 
cop talk policy". There were three things that bothered me about last night: 
you didn't want the 9-9 at your party, even though you'd never met us, your 
friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully if they were harassed, and there 
was something interesting about that photo in your library. You and the captain 
were shunted off to the side. I don't think you dislike cop talk; I think you 
dislike cops.
 — Kevin: I'm married to one.
 — Jake: I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun to watch the man you love 
marginalized, underappreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
 — Kevin: Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his 
colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
 — Jake: Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
 — Kevin: So, yes. I decided a long time ago that just because I love 
Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, 
Detective.
 — Jake: Nice cop lingo! Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. 
I'd love to make it up to you.
%
 — Gina: You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I 
have great hair and I love lying.
%
 — Jake: Oh, hey, Captain, you get my report on the Finley murder?
 — Holt: Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.
 — Jake: Good. Thanks, Dad. [The precinct suddenly goes quiet, and everyone 
turns to look in his direction.] Why is everyone staring at me?
 — Diaz: You just called Captain Holt "Dad". You said, "Thanks, Dad."
 — Jake: What? No, I didn't! I said, "Thanks, man"!
 — Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
 — Jake: No. If anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always 
bothering me!
 — Terry': Hey! Show your father some respect!
 — Jake: I didn't call him "Dad"!
 — Holt: No, no, no, no, Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
 — Boyle: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian "Mom" once and she's my 
fiancé.
 — Jake: Guys! Jump on that! Charles has psycho-sexual issues!
 — Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt "Daddy" -
 — Jake: Hey, "Daddy" is not on the table here.
 — Guy: You did call him "Dad", dude.
 — Jake: You shut up, all right? You've done nothing but lie since you got 
here.
 — Guy: Alright, alright. I was lying about the holdup. But the "Dad" thing? 
That happened.
 — Jake: Aha! He admitted that his alibi was a lie. It was a trap, all part 
of my crazy, devious plan.
 — Holt: I believe you.
 — Jake: Thank you.
 — Holt: Son. [Jake sighs in frustration] You wanna talk about it later over 
a game of catch?
 — Jake: [whispers] I'd like that.
%
[Holt enters the Nine Nine to start work. His wrist is in a splint]

 — Jake Peralta: Whoa. What's with the cast?
 — Raymond Holt: I sprained my wrist.
 — Amy Santiago: [obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?
 — Holt: Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
 — Peralta: Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck 
to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, 
bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can 
only mean one thing.
 — Gina Linetti: He's in a fight club?
 — Peralta: No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. 
Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?
 — Charles Boyle: Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, 
playing field hockey.
 — Terry Jeffords: [incredulous] Men's field hockey?
 — Charles: Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not 
allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.
 — Holt: [exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating 
about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an 
uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you 
should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to 
their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna 
know how I actually hurt my wrist?
 — Peralta: Yes.
 — Holt: I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for 
fun.
 — Peralta: [in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.
 — Holt: I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a 
picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
 — Peralta: [struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?
 — Holt: [slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.

[He deletes the picture]

 — Peralta: No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to 
his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.
%
[Peralta hooked up to a lie detector]

 — Peralta: I'm telling you this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
 — Terry: Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
 — Peralta: Yes, obviously. [Scoffs]
 — Technician: Lie.
 — Peralta: See? It's busted!
 — Terry: Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
 — Peralta: [Scoffs] No.
 — Technician: Lie.
 — Peralta: Allright fine. She is. [Quietly] she makes me feels things.
 — Terry: [Pounds table] SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS! Look, the machine 
is working just fine. Why are being so crazy about this case?
 — Peralta: I wanted to work the toughest case we had.
 — Terry: Why?
 — Peralta: Because it would feel awesome to solve it. Because a real man 
doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona? 
[Scoffs]
 — Terry: Yeah, that's the whole point of it.
 — Peralta: Seriously? That seems lame.
 — Terry: I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but 
I'm going home to my family. See you tomorrow, Jake. [Gets up and leaves]
 — Peralta: Fine, abandon me! I don't want you here anyway.
 — Technician: That's a lie.
 — Peralta: Come on, man.
%
 — Jake: All right, I'll just act like you. Say something so I can get the 
cadence of your voice down.
 — Holt: I will not.
 — Jake: Perfect. I will not. I... will not. I will... not.
[Holt looks back, stone-faced. Cut to when Jake and Holt are admitted to see 
Judge Mindel.]
 — Judge Mindel: Have a seat, Detective.
 — Jake: I will not.
 — Judge Mindel: Excuse me?
 — Jake: Uh, sorry. I meant out of respect I will choose to stand. Sit, I 
will not.
 — Judge Mindel: [Gestures to the form in front of her] This looks like it 
was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this 
point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.
 — Jake: But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?
 — Judge Mindel: I take it you're the toddler.
%
[Jake is undercover as a new member of the Italian mafia, attending a wedding 
celebration dinner.]
 — Jake: Excuse me, excuse me! I'm Jake Paralta. [The guests applaud.] So 
thrilled to be here today. As many of you know, I used to be a cop. [The guests 
boo.] Hey, I was dirty; I took tons of bribes. But as a former detective, I 
know a thing or two about life sentences. And Angie, Marco, you just got 
slapped with the best life sentence there is: marriage. Make us proud, have a 
son. Salut!
%
[Jake approaches four dons later on in the night.]
 — Jake: Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night. [Holds out his hand]
 — Tony: [Pushes Jake's hand down] Hey. You're one of us now. [Grabs Jake and 
kisses him]
 — Jake: You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss 
me?
 — Tony: [To another don] He's a good kid.
[The other three bosses repeat the ritual of kissing Jake.]
 — Jake: You know, I gotta say, out of the four of you I think Vito's the 
best kisser. [The four bosses laugh.] Oh, what a wedding, huh? Although the 
meatballs were a little dry.
[Outside Captain Holt is listening in a mobile headquarters van.]
 — Holt: Dry meatballs. That's the signal! Let's go, go, go!
%
 — Terry: [On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good 
one.
 — Jake: Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You 
going to the doctor? Everything okay?
 — Terry: [Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.
 — Boyle: My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no 
big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
 — Terry: It's not supposed to.
 — Jake: Trunk to skunk?
 — Gina: Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around 
down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its 
wings. You should let it soar.
 — Terry: Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.
 — Diaz: Neither does your wife, I guess.
 — Jake: Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his 
choice.
 — Terry: That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, 
I'm gonna start firing detectives!
 — Amy: And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.
 — Terry: Anybody else? This is your last chance.
 — Gina: Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.
 — Diaz: Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
 — Boyle: Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?
 — Jake: Now playing: Scrotal Recall!
%
[After Jake has managed to prevent Terry from having his vasectomy, and he and 
Jake are talking in the kitchenette. Earlier, Terry had berated Jake about how 
unhealthy his eating habits were]

 — Terry: I just talked to my wife. We're waiting on the operation, 
everything's cool.
 — Jake: Did you tell her we slept together twice?
 — Terry: Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present. [hands him a 
tupperware filled with carrot batons, with a bow on the lid]
 — Jake: Do you know what a present is, Terry?
 — Terry: I care about my friends. [takes the tupperware from Jake, and 
removes the lid] Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.
 — Jake: [as Terry grabs him in a headlock] No, no, no!
 — Terry: Come here.

[He begins to force-feed Jake the carrots]

 — Jake: I hate being friends with you!
%
 — Chief Deputy Madeline Wuntch: I've examined his proposal; there's no proof 
that giggle-pig is a serious problem.
 — Captain Raymond Holt: So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into 
an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the 
Abyssinia Crisis resolves itself.
 — Wuntch: That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, 
you sound so naïve.
 — Holt: And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.
 — Terry: I have no idea who's winning.
 — Holt: I am.
%
 — Jake: Oh, hey there, Captain! Do you happen to know what day today is?
 — Holt: Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary 
Dutch flautist Frans Brüggen, and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today 
is-
 — Jake: It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.
 — Holt: It's Halloween.
 — Jake: All right, and what happened last Halloween?
 — Holt: Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before the Frans 
Brüggen birthday concert.
 — Jake: Please stop saying Brüggen.
 — Holt: Last year, you bet me you could steal my Medal of Valor. And you 
did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week, and to say 
words I thought I'd never have to say.
[In a flashback]
 — Holt: Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.
[Back in the present]
 — Jake: But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year I 
believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal 
the watch right off your wrist.
 — Holt: Or, we could just not do it at all this year.
 — Jake: Sir, with all due respect: C'mon, homie!
 — Holt: It's not worth all the trouble. Just so you might call me an amazing 
captain/genius, and give me one week of overtime for free.
 — Jake: All right, fine. I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll 
quadruple it! I will five-druple it! I'll five-druple the overtime! Got his 
attention. He's coming back to me.
 — Holt: Just to clarify: if you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your 
paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime 
for free.
 — Jake: Correct.
 — Holt: I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh 
the costs- we have reached an accord.
 — Jake: Accords!
%
 — Jake: Well done. But I do have to ask: those guys at the impound- did they 
really smash my car?
 — Holt: No. In fact, I had them wash it.
 — Jake: Good one, Captain! You can't "wash a car". So how'd you convince the 
whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
 — Holt: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly 
said yes.
 — Jake: I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.
 — Holt: Mm-hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe 
I'm owed one more thing.
 — Jake: Yes. Here we go.
 — Holt: One second.
[Holt snaps his fingers, and a light in the viewing room behind the one-way 
glass reveals Terry, Boyle, Diaz, Amy, Scully and Hitchcock.]
 — Jake: Very well. Captain Raymond Holt: you are an amazing police 
captain/genius. But be warned: I started planning next year's heist just this 
minute!
 — Holt: Good. Then you're only three months behind.
%
 — Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
 — Holt: Madeline. I'd wondered why all the birds had suddenly stopped 
singing.
 — Wuntch: I heard you were under investigation from Internal Affairs. Didn't 
wanna miss that!
 — Holt: So much time with your ear to the pavement, it's a pity a truck 
hasn't run over your head.
%
 — Gina: [Recording] It's Gina's phone, leave me a voicemail. I won't check 
it 'cause it's not 1993.
%
[In a cafe, Lieutenant Miller of NYPD Internal Affairs and Deputy Chief Wuntch 
put a flash drive from Jake into a laptop and watch as a video comes on.]
 — Jake: Okay, I could get in a lot of trouble for this. But the big secret 
about Captain Holt is...
 — Holt: [Steps into view] ...That I have a flair for the dramatic. Look 
behind you, Madeline.
[Visibly shocked, Deputy Chief Wuntch and Lieutenant Miller turn around to look 
behind them; Holt clears his throat.]
 — Jake: We're actually in front of you. That's my fault. I thought the 
layout was gonna be different. Didn't know how you guys were gonna be sitting. 
I took a chance.
 — Holt: Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official 
business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, 
Madeline- and it could sink you.
 — Wuntch: Fine. You're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word 
against mine.
 — Jake: Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me- [Picks up the 
flash drive he'd given to Miller] I put a recording device in this dope drive, 
so, I got your whole conversation.
 — Holt: You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else, 
you're... Wuntch meat.
 — Jake: You sure you wanna go with that one?
 — Holt: Absolutely. It's hilarious.
%
 — Jake: Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late 
for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?
 — Terry: Uh...alarm didn't go off.
 — Jake: All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to 
take this seriously?
 — Boyle: Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.
 — Jake: That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more 
plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.
 — Diaz: I bet she tucked herself in the bed too tight and got stuck.
 — Gina: Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.
 — Holt: It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?
 — Jake: Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess 
why.
 — Holt: I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.
 — Jake: It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a 
subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.
[Amy enters]
 — Jake: There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do 
you care to explain yourself?!
 — Amy: I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about 
it.
 — Holt: Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.
 — Amy: ...There was a problem at the bank.
 — Holt: [claps] HOT DAMN!
%
 — Jake: Hello, District Attorney Kurm. I got lucky last night.
 — Kurm: That's great. Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.
 — Jake: Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals he's gotten out of jail?
 — Terry: Did he get a murderer off who then murdered him to celebrate?
 — Kurm: Yup. Anyway, Gary broke his leg, so he's being replaced.
 — Jake: "Replaced"? He should be put down! Like a horse! So who's the new 
sub-human piece of human garbage?
 — Kurm: Sophia Perez.
 — Jake: Oh, God.
%
 — Jake: Full disclosure, your honor. Last night Miss Perez and I got 
inebriated and we had colitis.
 — Judge Marinovich: Colitis?
 — Sophia: Coitus.
 — Jake: Yeah, that.
 — Judge Marinovich: A cop and a defense attorney sleeping together? That's 
highly unusual.
 — Jake: At the time I did not know she was a defense attorney. I should have 
been able to guess, however, based on her ability to lie all over me.
 — Sophia: Ha ha! Oh, cop's attempt to be clever. It's like watching a horse 
trying to eat with a fork.
 — Jake: Majestic and hilarious? Take a cold shower, horn-dog, we're at work! 
But in all seriousness, your honor, I do think she should recuse herself from 
the trial.
 — Sophia: Why? You think I might tell everyone in the courtroom that you 
like to be the little spoon?
 — Jake: [Defensive] Everyone likes to be the little spoon; it makes you feel 
safe! Carl, back me up on this.
 — Kurm: Yes. Little spoon all the way.
 — Jake: See?
 — Sophia: Look, I am not recusing myself. I talked to my client about it and 
he is fine with me staying on.
 — Judge Marinovich: If the defendant is okay with it, and you two can be 
mature in the courtroom, then I see no reason why we can't proceed.
 — Jake: Great. I can be mature.
 — Sophia: Says the guy who uses a sunglasses case as a wallet.
 — Jake: Stuff can be two things! Open up your refrigerator, boom! Air 
conditioner! Life hacked! Carl, back me up.
 — Kurm: I mean, it's not very green.
 — Jake: Oh, Carl.
%
 — Amy: Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They weren't close, but I wanted to 
do something.
 — Jake: Flowers are an interesting choice, Santiago. But I can still beat 
you.
 — Amy: Beat me at expressing condolences?
 — Jake: Yup- it's on! Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts. I 
think a thoughtful email is the way to go here. [Gets out his cell phone] "Dear 
Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss." Group sentiment, very meaningful. 
"Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Selfless act.
 — Boyle: Very respectful.
 — Jake: Correct. I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!
 — Amy: Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?
 — Jake: Personal. It's a personal matter, involving a personal friend and 
his personal uncle.
 — Amy: So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?
 — Jake: Oh, no.
[Jake gets up and hurries to Holt's office.]
 — Jake: Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...
 — Holt: "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us 
know if there's anything we can do." Sent from, "My Stinky Butt."
 — Jake: I was hacked?
 — Holt: Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.
 — Jake: You're very welcome.
 — Holt: I was addressing your stinky butt.
%
 — Jake: Okay, here's the deal. The HAZMAT guys did some preliminary tests, 
and the substance is not baking powder.
 — Lawyer: Oh. Was it Anthrax?
 — Jake: We don't know yet. But I promise you, as soon as they tell me, 
you'll be the first to know.
 — Boyle: Well, second after me, so third overall. Still pretty good.
 — Jake: I just don't want people to panic. So I'm asking for your help to 
keep this thing quiet, so we can have the chillest biohazard lockdown in 
Brooklyn. Yeah?
 — Lawyer: Of course. I understand.
 — Jake: Great. Thank you. [The lawyer leaves Captain Holt's office.] See, if 
you talk to people like humans, they'll be reasonable. I mean, it's just good- 
oh, why is he standing on that chair?
 — Lawyer: Hey, everyone! They lied to us! It's friggin Anthrax!
%
 — Terry: I used to have an addiction. Food. It got bad.
[In a flashback, an overweight Terry approaches a Chinese restaurant with its 
lights off.]
 — Overweight Terry: You're not closed! It's 6:00! I NEED MY MOO SHU PORK! 
[Pounds on the glass.] I NEED MY MOO SHU! [Shatters the glass.]
%
 — Danger: Unh. What happened?
 — Diaz: You hit your head on the doorway coming in. Got knocked out cold.
 — Danger: Do I have a bruise?
 — Boyle: Yeah, little one.
 — Danger: Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes. Did we catch all the bad 
guys?
 — Jake: Yep, we got 'em.
 — Danger: Yes! Another win for USPIS!
 — Jake: You're lying in rat turds.
 — Danger: It's all part of the job, little brother. All part of the job.
%
 — Jake: Hey, it's me. Please open the door. Come on, let's talk. I'm sorry.
 — Old Guy: Can I help you?
 — Jake: Oh, no, you're not Sophia.
 — Sophia: Hey, Jake! Over here, man!
 — Jake: Oh. I'm so sorry, sir, you were a wrong door.
 — Old Guy: You were a wrong door!
[The Old Guy slams his door shut.]
 — Jake: That's a very angry man! I know what that sounded like at dinner, 
but I promise, I am not into Amy.
 — Sophia: It's not what I heard, Jake. It's what I saw. You should've seen 
the look on your face when you found out Amy liked you. Gah! Listen to me! 
"Liked"? I'm an adult! All this "who-likes-who" stuff sounds very high school!
 — Jake: I know, it's stupid, you're totally right! But the point is, I like 
you!
 — Sophia: Then you're sure you're over Amy?
 — Jake: Yes! I mean, I didn't knock on Amy's door. I knocked on yours.
 — Sophia: Actually, you knocked on his door. And I'm pretty sure he's 
listening.
 — Old Guy: No, I'm not! Who's Amy?
%
 — Holt: Good morning, Boyle.
 — Boyle: Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.
 — Holt: After our disagreement yesterday, I went online to read your 
culinary blogs and scoff. To my dismay, I actually learned something about how 
food tells a story. So I made Kevin this.
 — Boyle: It's warm.
 — Holt: It's a croque monsieur. Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon 
in Paris on our first anniversary. It's one of our most treasured memories. I'm 
sure it's not up to your standards, but Kevin seemed to enjoy it. So thank you, 
for your guidance.
[Holt walks back to his office; Boyle watches him, then immediately gets out 
the croque monsieur and takes a bite, closing his eyes and sighing.]
 — Hitchcock: Gross, huh?
 — Boyle: No. It's perfect! He's a natural chef! Now I know how Salieri felt.
%
 — Doug Judy: You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.
 — Jake: How is that even possible? Am I adopted?
 — Doug Judy: Your mother was very pale. Almost invisible.
%
[After getting away a second time, Doug Judy has sent Jake a recorded video]
 — Doug Judy: Sup, Peralta! Greetings from paradise! Actually, I'm a little 
disappointed in the hotel. How you mess up a omelette? It's just a flat egg!
 — Jake: He pretty much just talks about the omelette for the next ten 
minutes, but- [Clicks and skips further ahead in the video]
 — Doug Judy: -about my escape. [Shifts the camera] This is my associate, 
Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service 
waiter I had you tip so generously.
 — Diaz: Son of a bitch!
 — Jake: Yeah. And when we ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to 
follow him.
 — Doug Judy: Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas! [Jake closes 
his laptop]
 — Diaz: Okay, first things first. I swear to you that we are gonna catch 
Doug Judy.
 — Jake: I know. We did it once, we can do it again.
 — Diaz: No. We will catch him. More importantly, thank you. I know how hard 
it was to make that choice and let him get away.
 — Jake: No, it was an easy choice. I know how much this task force means to 
you.
 — Diaz: [Grins] It means so much and it's been so stressful and it went so 
well! Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling! How do people do this with 
their faces?
%
 — Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch: For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows 
this award on Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain... Raymond Holt. [The crowd 
applauds; Wuntch takes the first medal and hangs it around Holt's neck.] 
Raymond.
 — Holt: Madeline.
 — Wuntch: You won. Go ahead and gloat, you toad.
 — Holt: Thank you for this honor, Deputy Chief.
 — Madeline: Oh. Okay. You're welcome.
 — Holt: Wuntch time is over! Boom, did it! Had it both ways! No regrets.
%
 — Hitchcock: Well, well, well. Looks like Charles is out and Hitchcock's in! 
What do you wanna do tonight? Go to a strip club? Have dinner with my wife?
 — Jake: Are those separate options or does she live at the strip club?
 — Hitchcock: You wanna know, you gotta go.
%
 — Terry: Listen up, Jake. We just found out Sharon is pregnant and it's way 
too early to tell anyone. This is a secret. Do you understand me?
 — Jake: Mm-hmm.
 — Terry: Do you? Do you understand me?! [Grabs and picks up Jake]
 — Jake: Oh, this got physical very quickly!
 — Terry: This is adult stuff, Jake! Be serious!
 — Jake: Look, I promise I won't tell anyone, alright? My lips are sealed!
 — Terry: Good.
 — Jake: Do I even weigh anything to you?
 — Terry: No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.
%
 — Diaz: Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.
 — Holt: Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts 
spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.
 — Wuntch: Hello, Raymond.
 — Holt: No flaccid rejoinder? Hm. What's going on?
 — Wuntch: I'm here on important business. I'm a front-runner for a job in 
the Boston P.D.
 — Holt: Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to 
witches up there, don't you?
 — Diaz: This is amazing.
 — Wuntch: The job is Chief of Police.
 — Holt: I see. So you've come to brag.
 — Wuntch: No. The only blemish on my record is our long history of 
interpersonal turbulence. The Boston Commissioner would like to speak to you 
about it. I've... come to ask for your help. The Commissioner will be calling y-
 — Holt: Wait- shhhhhhhhhh..... Oh, moment savored. So, where were we? Ah, 
yes- you were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.
%
 — Jeffrey Hoytsman: Okay, it was cocaine. Turns out I was accidentally doing 
some cocaine.
 — Jake: Not on accident; you put it in your nose on purpose.
 — Hoytsman: I don't think I have a nose, Peralta. I most certainly cannot 
feel it! The defense rests!
%
 — ATF Guy 1: Leave it to the NYPD to screw up being hostages. I thought cops 
loved to sit around all day on their fat asses and do nothing.
 — Terry: That's it.
[Terry growls and stands up, tearing off the arms of the chair he was taped to]
 — ATF Guy 1: [Jumps back in fear] Whoah!
 — Terry: MY ASS IS NOT FAT!
%
 — Scully: It's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keep's cropping up in this 
case.
 — Boyle: Because he's the victim. He's the guy who's window was smashed with 
this rock. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.
 — Hitchcock: Sure, but what do they want from him?
 — Boyle: $10,000. I just said that. We're trying to figure out who's doing 
the threatening.
 — Scully: Wait. I have a theory. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come 
from the same word.
 — Boyle: Just focus! Sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk-
 — Scully: Orsk! There it is again!
 — Boyle: Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a 
doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that 
bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!
%
 — Jake: Where were you? You were gone for three hours. I know because I sang 
"This Is How We Do It" 143 times.
 — Hoytsman: Okay, well, I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. 
Kidnapping is 90% crafting. Jake, you're gonna help me get my life back. You're 
gonna confess on video to framing me for everything that got me in trouble.
 — Jake: And why would I do that?
 — Hoytsman: Because I'm high on bath salts, emotionally unstable, and 
pointing a gun at you!
 — Jake: Let's make a movie!
%
 — Gina: Oh, no. Despite what I've been saying for years, that ass just might 
quit.
%
 — Jake: Well, I think we handled that with dignity. [The vending machine 
slips from the dolly and hits the floor, shattering the glass on its front.] 
FREE CANDY!
%
 — Wuntch: I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the 
letter to the Commissioner.
 — Holt: And let him fire you?
 — Wuntch: I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which 
will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's 
an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz 
there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great 
fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him 
off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks 
like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?
[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]
 — Holt: Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred 
to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.
 — Amy: What the hell?
 — Jake: I don't understand.
 — Amy: What the hell?!
 — Boyle: Why are you doing this?
 — Amy: What the hell?!
 — Holt: I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of 
you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.
 — Jake: Pretty consistent tone, actually.
 — Holt: [Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best 
years of my career.
 — Jake: Oh, no. This is new.
 — Holt: And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. 
And I will never forget it.
 — Jake: Go back to being robot, Captain!
 — Holt: Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.
 — Gina: Captain! I'm coming with you.
 — Holt: Thank you, Gina.
 — Scully: I'm also coming!
 — Holt: Not necessary.
%
[The elevator doors open and the new captain of the 99th Precinct walks out and 
stands in front of the gathered officers and detectives.]
 — Dozerman: Hello. I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. 
My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.
 — Jake: Could probably just say it once.
 — Dozerman: Are you making fun of my stutter?
 — Jake: Oh. Uh-
 — Dozerman: Tricked you! I don't have a stutter. Boom! I've already 
established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.
 — Terry: Well done, sir. Welcome to the 9-9. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
 — Dozerman: And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people 
weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells be 
how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think 
I burned walking from there to there? [Points from the elevator to where he is 
standing, then addresses Amy.] You, female closest to me.
 — Amy: Oh! Uh, three?
 — Dozerman: Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my 
superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to 
work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike 
that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN 
YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm havin' a heart attack. 
[Falls to his knees] Get back to work. [Falls to the floor and passes out.]
 — Terry: Get a doctor!
%
[Jake and Amy are on their first date, and the atmosphere is more than a little 
awkward]

 — Jake: So, here we are... officially on a date. Romantical date...
 — Amy: Yes, we are. No longer just colleagues... Dating. [pause] You got a 
haircut. It looks nice.
 — Jake: Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut... At some point in your life, 
I'm sure, that's not your baby hair. That would be crazy. But, uh, you look 
very nice.
 — Amy: Domo Arigato.
 — Jake: Do you speak Japanese?
 — Amy: No.
 — Jake: Oh. Uh... Sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward.
 — Amy: [somewhat relieved] Yeah, me too.
 — Jake: How do we make it not weird?
 — Amy: I know - let's just get super drunk.
 — Jake: Yes! Great idea! [to the waitress] Ma'am, could you please bring us 
four kamikaze shots?
 — Amy: And four for me as well.
 — Jake: Ah, I like your style. See, we can do this. We're back on track. 
We're keeping it light and breezy!

[cut to them in bed together]

 — Jake: So, we broke a rule.
 — Amy: Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.
 — Jake: "I hope it wasn't a mistake," title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title 
of our sex tape!
%
[After Dozerman's death, Terry at his desk.]
 — Dozerman: [On a tablet program displaying his face and a timer] Warning! 
You are 43 minutes behind!
 — Terry: I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!
 — Diaz: Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy's 
dead!
 — Terry: It's not a game. I'm following our captain's orders.
 — Diaz: His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever 
known. Whoah... I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his 
face. I mean, I can say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.
%
[Cpt. Holt enters his former office at the 99th Precinct]
 — Holt: Huh. Strange to be on this side of the desk.
 — The Vulture: What? Oh, right, you used to work here. You know I've made a 
lot of improvements since you left? I got a fridge for my protein shakes, I got 
a kettle bell station, I got a wolf that I killed in Utah. [Points to different 
spots in the office, then to a cardboard box. Holt looks in the box.]
 — Holt: I'm fairly certain that's a dog.
 — The Vulture: Yeah, it was dark.
%
 — Boyle: Genevieve, I know we just met, and I don't wanna be too forward...
 — Jake: Charles.
 — Boyle: Sometimes you just get a feeling about a person!
 — Jake: Charles.
 — Boyle: I've got that feeling about you. I like you. I think tonight we-
 — Jake: Charles, look down!
[Boyle looks down and notices Genevieve is wearing handcuffs.]
 — Boyle: Oh... shoot.
 — Genevieve: They just gave me ten years in prison.
[Genevieve leaves with the escorting police officers; Boyle turns back to Jake.]
 — Jake: She didn't say no!
%
 — Boyle: I have a few questions about a beautiful client of yours, Genevieve 
Mirren-Carter.
 — Lawyer: She got hit by a tow truck and sued the driver?
 — Boyle: No, she was accused of insurance fraud.
 — Lawyer: Oh, good, because I blew that tow truck case. Straight-up forgot 
to go to court.
%
 — The Vulture: You were workin' a case! I frickin' knew it; you're a liar!
 — Madeline Wuntch: And you! You can't do anything except disobey orders and 
screw up!
 — Bob: I'm disappointed, too, Ray.
 — Wuntch: No one cares, Bob. And after all your so-called detective work you 
didn't even get the right guy! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
 — Holt: It was an error, but-
 — Wuntch: Do not interrupt me! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond- seven 
times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
 — The Vulture: Same goes for you, Peralta, 'cept for the juicy ass part, 
'cause your ass is stupid.
 — Wuntch: Now get the hell outta my office!
[Jake and Holt leave Wuntch's office, but Jake stops once they're outside.]
 — Jake: Wait a minute, sir. You know what? Screw this!
[Jake confidently goes back into Wuntch's office but comes back seconds later.]
 — Jake: It's ten days now. Shouldn't have gone back in.
%
[After Jake and Holt catch the serial killer known as the Oolong Slayer.]
 — Holt: Thank you, Peralta.
 — Jake: What're you thanking me for? You're the one who showed up and 
stopped him from shooting me in my beautiful face.
 — Holt: For giving me one last chance to be a real cop, before going back to 
a lifetime of- PR drivel.
 — Jake: Sir, we just caught a serial killer! I've wanted this since I was 
four years old!
 — Holt: That's troubling.
 — Jake: We did something special here. I'm honored our names will appear 
together on the arrest report.
 — Holt: No, no. I think you should take sole credit. Wuntch will only use it 
to sink me. I'm glad your dream came true, Peralta. Now, if you'll excuse me... 
the drivel calls.
%
[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and 
Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and 
everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
 — Jake: Seriously, no costume?
 — Terry: What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
 — Boyle: But- you guys always make fun of me!
 — Gina: I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your 
appearance!
 — Diaz: Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.
 — Jake: Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
 — Boyle: Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my 
car and get my emergency costume.
 — Holt: [Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
 — Boyle: [Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, 
dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
 — Boyle: A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the 
elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
 — Diaz: Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
 — Boyle: But uh- but uh-
 — Amy: Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
 — Jake: No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
 — Holt: Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's 
Elvis!
 — Boyle: Yes!
 — Holt: Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
 — Boyle: NO!
%
 — Amy: Hey, Gina. Would you do me a favor?
 — Gina: Yes! Thank you for asking. I did not feel like doing this work right 
now.
[Gina shoves the papers she was writing on off her desk and into the trash can.]
 — Amy: Oh. Those look like important papers.
 — Gina: What's up? How can I help?
 — Amy: Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I 
could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world 
together. The Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia...
 — Gina: But never to a friend's house, huh?
 — Amy: Uncalled for. Anyway, I realized that this could be really helpful 
for police work, so I made an appointment with the head of NYPD purchasing. I 
need to sell him on it, but I'm afraid I might come across a little... boring.
 — Gina: [Gasps] Amy, are you asking me to "She's all that" you?
 — Amy: I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes, 
please! "She's all that" me.
 — Gina: Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way. First 
I'm gonna need to break you down into nothin', and then build you back up piece 
by piece.
 — Amy: Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
 — Gina: Well, we'll just break you down to nothin' and see what time it is.
%
 — Terry: I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible Scotch.
 — Jake: They certainly do. Ugh. It's bad. Get's you drunk, though.
 — Boyle: Well, I found all the worms. They're eating a fox corpse in the 
outhouse.
 — Terry: Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry. What's for dinner?
 — Jake: Dinner? Ha ha ha! Yes! Of course, dinner!
 — Terry: Did you not pack any food?
 — Jake: There's fresh fox.
 — Boyle: Oh, it's not fresh.
%
[Jake has called Gina, Terry, Diaz, and Boyle into the break room.]
 — Jake: Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.
 — Terry: You called us in here to tell us that?
 — Jake: No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five 
minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-
 — Boyle: [Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!
 — Gina: Oh... this isn't gonna end well.
 — Jake: There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one 
happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will 
Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food 
into lemonade-
 — Diaz: Hitchcock just drank his own fish.
 — Jake: What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
%
 — Jake: Hey, Gina! I need a top secret favor. Sharon has come to the 
precinct and I need your help.
 — Gina: Uh, it better not be pregnancy related, 'cause that crap is nasty.
 — Jake: The miracle of life?
 — Gina: Dress it up however you want; that's some disgusting animal kingdom 
nonsense.
 — Jake: Okay, don't worry about Sharon, I'll take care of her. I've got 
everything she needs. Pillow, blanket, copy of Breast Feeders magazine, which, 
now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn. [Flips through the magazine] Yep, 
it is.
 — Gina: So what do you need me for?
 — Jake: Keeping Captain Holt away from her. Terry says he gets very awkward 
near Sharon.
 — Gina: Mm, that's one way to put it.
[In a flashback, Terry and Sharon encounter Holt inside the precinct]
 — Holt: Ah, Sharon, nice to see you! You look so big, like a mighty truck.
%
 — Jake: Well, Sharon is happy, and Captain Holt has no idea where she is.
 — Gina: Damn, we are good at stashing pregnant ladies! [High-fives Jake] Uh!
 — Sharon: Guys? My water just broke.
 — Jake: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one- oh, you mean 
your body water! That's much worse!
%
 — Diaz: [Examining smuggled diamonds] Why do people like these things? 
They're just shiny rocks.
%
 — Amy Santiago: [As Jake approaches their desk] Oh, come here, come here, 
come here! You need to see this! I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.
 — Jake Peralta: Oh? Did he lift his no gift policy?
 — Amy: No, he didn't, but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick 
him into accepting it.
 — Jake: You are bad.
 — Amy: I know, right! Oh, wait, you're making fun of me.
 — Jake: Mm-hmm
 — Amy: Well, I don't care. He would never open a gift, right? But, what if 
his gift didn't look like a gift?
 — Jake: He would open it?
 — Amy: Exactly! I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card, 
just the words "Open Now" which I wrote with my wrong hand, so he wouldn't 
recognise my handwriting! [Holt passes them] Captain!
 — Raymond Holt: Santiago. Peralta.
 — Jake: Sir... So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police 
captain's desk, on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that 
looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person?
 — Amy: Mm-hmm
 — Holt: [exiting his office quickly] Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! 
[There is mass panic as everyone rushes for the exit. Rosa presses an alarm] 
Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!
 — Jake: [sarcastically, to an aghast Amy] Great gift, babe!
%
[Boyle's ex-wife Eleanor has just visited the precinct and is threatening to 
destroy Boyle's stored sperm unless he illegally gets her out of going to court 
for hitting a man with her car.]
 — Boyle: Damn. She can't do that! Can she do that?
 — Peralta: Okay, stay calm. We're gonna talk to a lawyer and get a 
professional opinion.
[Cut to Peralta and Boyle sitting in front of a lawyer's desk]
 — Lawyer: Damn! I can't believe you signed this contract! The sperm is her 
legal possession. It also says that she, and I quote, [Flips to the second page 
and examines it] "Owns your dignity." You initialed right next to that!
%
 — Gina: All right, all right! Looks good! Can barely tell you hulked out in 
here.
 — Terry: Yeah, two weeks in charge, and I didn't get any of my goals 
accomplished.
 — Gina: You got Hitchcock and Scully off their hunger strike.
 — Terry: I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn't that hard.
 — Gina: Yeah, they're animals. Do you wanna know why the amazing Captain 
Holt has never gotten the evidence room cleaned or done anything on your list?
 — Terry: Why?
 — Gina: Because all day long, he's putting out fires. That's what a captain 
does. The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to 
close a door so hard a room blows up.
 — Terry: Thanks, Gina.
 — Gina: Oh, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who 
believes in you.
 — Terry: Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.
 — Gina: My God, you're strong.
%
 — Doug Judy: Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a 
free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?
 — Jake: I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the 
internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!
 — Doug Judy: Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But 
the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.
 — Jake: Pfft. Peril.
 — Doug Judy: Don't "Pfft" my peril!
 — Jake: Pfft.
 — Doug Judy: Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent 
for my best friend.
 — Jake: I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through 
your head!
 — Doug Judy: [To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an 
adorable couple.
 — Jake: Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!
 — Doug Judy: You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which 
is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.
 — Jake: No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
 — Amy: Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies 
under the flag of Uzbekistan.
 — Doug Judy: Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!
 — Amy: But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this 
boat.
 — Jake: Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out 
they're employing a criminal.
[Cut to the three of them standing out on deck with the captain.]
 — Captain Orleans: Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.
%
[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, has escaped from the cruise ship to a small 
motorboat after Jake saved Judy's life.]
 — Doug Judy: Peralta! Sorry to do this to you, man. I saw an opening and I 
had to take it. I can't go to jail! I'm too cool!
 — Jake: You'll never get away from me, Judy!
 — Doug Judy: I can't hear what you're saying; you're real far away. I'll 
just assume you're finally admitting we're best friends.
 — Jake: No, that's not what I'm saying!
 — Doug Judy: Thank you! It means a lot to me. Enjoy the rest of your cruise! 
Just remember; you got a fine lady, don't be a tang in the mud! Check your 
pockets! [Jake does, pulling out a cabin access card] Boom-boom stateroom, baby!
 — Jake: [To Amy] Awesome. [To Judy] But this isn't over! I will hunt you to 
the ends of the earth!
 — Doug Judy: I love you, too! I'm so proud of us for being able to say it! 
What're you still standing there for? Go smush!
[Doug Judy steers the motorboat away from the cruise ship.]
%
[Boyle was caught naked in a restaurant bathroom when Rosa Diaz chased a 
suspect in there. The following day, Boyle is in the file room when Diaz walks 
in.]
 — Diaz: Oh. I didn't-
 — Boyle: No, it's fine, I'm not-
 — Diaz: Right, why would you be-
 — Boyle: It's not like I'm, uh, always-
 — Diaz: Naked.
 — Boyle: Yeah.
 — Diaz: Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut 
and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-
 — Boyle: Benny and the Jets.
 — Diaz: [Laughs] Sure. Whatever.
[Terry enters the file room.]
 — Terry: Hey. I've been looking for you guys. I just spoke to our perp's 
attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom weren't his.
 — Diaz: What?! But we saw him throw them in the garbage!
 — Terry: Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his- but lucky for us, 
you were wearing body cams!
 — Boyle: Yeah, but the thing about cameras, is that they don't really tell 
the full, objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.
 — Terry: Boyle, what are you talking about?
 — Diaz: Boyle is fully nude in the footage.
 — Terry: WHYYYY?!
%
 — Karen Peralta: Hey, honey. Thanks for bringing Roger back.
 — Jake Peralta: You're very welcome. Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous 
to meet you, so don't judge her for all the weird singing.
 — Karen Peralta: Oh, no. I'm dating my son-of-a-bitch ex-husband; who am I 
to judge?
[Amy Santiago rolls down the window of the Impala she's sitting in.]
 — Amy: I think you're really great, too!
 — Jake: She's very good at lip-reading.
 — Amy: I wouldn't say "very" good; deaf people, they're the real talents!
 — Jake: Yep. Just can't stop.
 — Amy: I'll let you guys talk! I'll just close my eyes. [Rolls the window 
back up.]
%
 — Gina: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the most anticipated event in this 
precinct's history! The auction for-
[Gina reaches down from the podium and holds up a vinyl briefcase; the gathered 
detectives are amazed.]
 — Jake: The Suitcase of Mystery!
 — Gina: Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the Lost & Found since 1976. No 
one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally 
given me permission to auction it off!
 — Jake: I'll let you give me a spray tan! Any shade you want!
 — Gina: Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity! Who can top it?
 — Boyle: Massage! I'll give you a massage!
 — Gina: Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself 
disqualified. Interesting approach. Orange Jake: Goin' once! Goin' twice!
 — Diaz: I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side pony.
 — Gina: Ooh! Rosa comin' in hot, Rosa comin' in hot!
 — Jake: I'll also give you full control over my hair and wardrobe.
 — Scully: I'll go on a date with you!
 — Gina: SOLD! To Jake. Not to Scully. That really freaked me out and I just 
want this to end now.
%
 — Jake: Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of 
treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.
 — Boyle: The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!
 — Gina: Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none 
of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in 
France? Like his husband, per exemple?
 — Jake: What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative 
citizen that wanted us to munch!
 — Gina: What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. 
Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.
 — Amy: Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most 
intimate snack of them all!
 — Diaz: Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we 
do?!
 — Terry: Eat the note!
 — Jake: No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.
[32 minutes later.]
 — Jake: Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the 
way from Paris.
 — Boyle: Straight from Paris!
[Holt unties the ribbon and removes the red plastic wrapping. Holt examines 
some of the items.]
 — Holt: Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber 
bands.] That man really knows me!
%
 — Jake: This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year 
ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.
 — Gina: You mean like a dining room?
 — Jake: Yeah. But in Manhattan.
 — Gina: Oh, dang.
 — Jake: Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna 
forget my roots. You all get something, so fire away.
 — Boyle: Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.
 — Diaz: Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.
 — Jake: All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
 — Amy: Oh, cool, I want a fast sports car.
 — Jake: Come on, you can be honest.
 — Amy: I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
 — Jake: There you go. Now, let's find out what I'm worth... Ah, I'm too 
nervous. Sarge, you do it.
 — Terry: [Opens the envelope] It's stock, one million shares!
 — Jake: Oh, my God!
 — Terry:... Of Blockbuster Video stock.
[Terry hands the folder back and everyone goes back to work in disappointment.]
 — Jake: What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card. WHAT HAPPENED TO 
BLOCKBUSTER?!
%
 — Jake: Hey. Gina, how's the stalling?
 — Gina: Great. The tow truck just got here, so that'll buy us at least an 
hour.
 — Jake: Tow truck?! What the hell'd you do to my car?!
 — Gina: Bitch, I told you I was gonna wreck it!
 — Jake: You did. You did. Well, I'm gonna go follow up on a lead right now.
 — Gina: Great. I'm gonna rip a bunch of wires out of your dashboard.
 — Jake: What? No, don't!
[Gina hangs up.]
%
 — Jake: What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!
 — Diaz: Two tanks. I want a tank, too.
 — Jake: Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain 
Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees 
Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in 
there?!
 — Terry: Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.
 — Jake: What'd you do? What'd you say?
 — Hitchcock: Nothin', just said welcome back.
 — Scully: And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!
 — Holt: Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!
 — Jake: So long, tank.
 — Holt: "Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!
%
 — Terry: Hi. Remember me?
[Kuzkho, who escaped arrest twenty years ago by pretending he was paralyzed, is 
standing normally at the door of his apartment.]
 — Dmitri Kuzkho: So... this is weird.
[Kuzkho tries to slam the door but Terry blocks it and tackles him.]
 — Terry: Oh, no you don't, circus trash! I knew it! You could walk the whole 
time! I was right about the cat accomplice too, huh?! Now where's the cat?!
 — Jake: Been twenty years, Sarge, cat's probably dead.
 — Terry: I'M STILL BRINGIN' 'IM IN!
%
[Amy is undercover in a Texas state prison as "Isabel Cortez".]
 — Maura Figgis: Hey, Cortez. I hear you can smuggle in crap from outside.
 — Amy: That's right, baby. What do you want?
 — Maura Figgis: What I want? Is for you to back the hell off. Because I'm 
the only store in this prison.
 — Amy: Well, I didn't see your name on the outside of the prison. Unless 
your name is, "Texas State Penitentiary comma Spring Valley Unit"!
%
 — Amy: What're you lookin' at? You got a problem?
 — Maura Figgis: Whoah! Cool it, killa! I just wanted to say good job on 
beatin' the crap outta that doctor.
 — Amy: Oh. Thanks.
 — Maura Figgis: I like you. You got balls. Maybe you should come work for 
me. I could use another bruiser on my crew.
 — Amy: I'm not a bruiser. I'm a psycho.
 — Maura Figgis: Even better.
%
[Holt, Diaz, and Jake are meeting FBI Agent Bob Anderson, a friend and 
colleague of Holt's, in a public park.]
 — Holt: Hello, Bob. Good to see you.
 — Bob Anderson: And you. Apologies, it's inappropriate of me to partake in 
such informal conversation in front of your detectives.
 — Holt: It's all right. I am equally to blame.
 — Jake: Oh, my God! There's two of them!
%
 — Amy: Did you get the other guy?
 — Jake: What other guy?
 — Amy: Someone named Bob Anderson.
 — Jake: Oh, my God. Amy, I have to go. [Hangs up.] Bob is working for Figgis!
 — Diaz: What?
 — Jake: He must've been the one who deleted all those digital files! And he 
tried to have Wielan killed!
 — Diaz: But he helped us with the heist and there was nothing about him in 
the paper file!
 — Jake: Yeah! Cause that wasn't the real file! We have to call Holt. Come 
on, Captain, pick up! Pick up!
[Cut to the hospital room where Holt and Bob were waiting; Bob has drawn his 
pistol and is aiming it at Holt.]
 — Bob: Don't answer that, Raymond. And now I'm going to have to kill you.
 — Holt: Oh, Bob.
%
[The lights in Diaz's apartment go out while the detectives are trying to 
interrogate Bob.]
 — Bob: Time's up. Looks like Figgis found you.
[Cut to several minutes later.]
 — Terry: Okay. Door's secure.
 — Diaz: That's the last of the candles.
 — Terry: Is that multi-wick? [Sniffs] Am I smelling basel and tangerine?
 — Diaz: It's called Summer's Kiss.
 — Terry: What the hell is goin' on with you?
 — Bob: I hate to rub it in, detectives, but I told you they'd find me.
[A red laser dot is being aimed into the room.]
 — Terry: SNIPER, EVERYBODY DOWN!
[The laser dot moves towards Bob and aims steadily at him.]
 — Bob: Whoah! Whoah, whoah, whoah! Wrong guy, wrong guy!
[Jake tackles Bob as the glass vase behind him shatters.]
 — Terry: Stay away from the windows!
 — Jake: Captain! Table!
[Jake and Holt get a coffee table and turn it on its side, and they and Bob 
take cover.]
 — Bob: My God! What the hell's going on? They tried to kill me! [Two more 
vases shatter.] Oh, we have to get out of here and we have to get out of here 
now.
 — Diaz: It's cool. I have a panic room.
 — Terry: Yes! There's the Rosa I know! Summer's Kiss my ass!
 — Diaz: But it won't fit all of us.
 — Jake: Well, looks like Bob's the odd man out. Bye, Bob!
%
 — Caller: [In a deep-sounding, disguised voice] Jake Paralta? This is Jimmy 
Figgis.
 — Jake: Oh! Uh... hey... dog!
 — Caller: You and Ray Holt took down my operation. Now, I'm gonna kill you 
both. Later, dog. [Hangs up.]
 — Jake: Uh- Captain Holt?
[Cut to Jake coming out of a house in a South Florida suburb. Next door, Holt 
is out watering his lawn.]
 — Jake: Morning, Greg.
 — Holt: Morning, Larry.
%
— Holt: Good morning Karly, Tani, looks like you're keeping the machines 
running smoothly.
 — Karly: Whatever.
 — Holt: [To himself] Karly will be the first to go.
%
 — Jake: How's the Sheriff?
 — Amy: Well, he keeps yelling, "Disability for life!" so I think he's fine.
%
 — Holt: Who hired you? Who do you work for, pizza man?!
%
 — Jake: Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a 
problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that 
slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.
 — Diaz: You're gonna do the F.B.P.!
 — Jake: That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!
[Jake prepares by stretching. Terry puts on Jake's helmet and Amy kisses Jake 
before strapping him on.]
 — Jake: Here we go.
[When Gina waves the starting flag, Jake slides across the floor to the tune of 
Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now". Everyone cheers him on.]
 — Terry: [in slow motion] Yes!
[Everyone continues to root for Jake until he arrives at the elevator, which 
opens. Holt is inside to everyone's horror.]
 — Boyle, Terry and Diaz: [in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!
 — Jake: [in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!
 — Holt: [in slow motion] What?
 — Jake: Hold on, I can't stop!
[Jake collides with Holt and the elevator closes. Everybody cringes. The 
elevator opens again and Holt and Jake exit. Holt grabs Jake's hand and raises 
it up.]
 — Holt: THE FULL BULLPEN!
%
 — Amy: Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their 
relationship. And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math 
conference.
 — Diaz: Because you called it "Funky Cats and Their Feisty Stats".
 — Amy: That was the name! It was so cool!
 — Diaz:  It was not. Anyway, it's not about the math. They haven't seen each 
other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.
 — Amy: What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! [Diaz is taken aback.] I 
mean, that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
 — Diaz:  [Diaz is surprised.] Wow.
 — Amy: [exasperated] Never mind! I'm teaching Father the math.
[Diaz tilts her head, still surprised and amazed at what she's hearing.]
 — Amy: Whatever, Rosa!
[Amy hurriedly leaves, and Diaz still looks on at Amy.]
%
 — Holt: I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place at work when Monty Hall has 
already ruined my home life.
 — Diaz: Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. The night shift is 
keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
 — Amy: [Mortified squeak]
 — Holt: What did you say?
 — Amy: [whispers] Don't say it again.
 — Diaz: I said you two need to bone.
[Amy closes her eyes.]
 — Holt: How DARE YOU, DETECTIVE DIAZ. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!
[5 minutes later, Amy is shuddering in her seat, Diaz is apathetic, and Holt is 
at his doorframe.]
 — Holt: BONE!!!!
[10 minutes later]
 — Holt: What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.
[21 minutes later, Amy is still shuddering in her seat, Diaz is still 
apathetic, and Holt is bouncing at his doorframe.]
 — Holt: BONE??!!
[40 minutes later]
 — Holt: Don't ever speak to me like that again.
[Holt leaves, Amy lifts her head to Diaz.]
 — Amy: Why did you do that?
 — Diaz: Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.
%
 — Amy: Oh, Captain! I know you don't wanna talk about Monty Hall, but I did 
contact a Math professor.
 — Holt: No need, Santiago, it's all good.
 — Amy: So the fight with Kevin is over?
 — Holt: Yup!
 — Amy: Because you understand the math now?
 — Holt: Nope!
 — Diaz: Because you guys...
 — Holt: Yup!
 — Diaz: I knew it. [Diaz goes to leave but quickly turns back to Amy] See 
what happened is your dads had sex.
 — Amy: [Amy quickly stands up to leave] Okay, Rosa!
%
 — Jake: Hey there, Boyle. How's your weekend?
 — Boyle: Well, actually, I got a little sick.
 — Jake: Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.
 — Boyle: Yeah, well, Bullets Over Broadway was on TV. I came down with a big 
old Dianne Wiest infection.
 — Jake: [stares impassively]
 — Boyle: [continues to smile]
 — Jake: [stares impassively]
 — Boyle: [continues to smile] ...Like YEAST?!
%
 — Deputy Commissioner Ultrecht: Hello. We're here to honor Captain Jason 
Stentley, who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring. So it is my 
pleasure to bestow upon him the Medal of Honor. Captain Stentley.
 — Stentley: Bestow me, baby! Oh, wow. That's a lotta people. Uh... 
Baba-booie! Cornholio! That's it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?
 — Reporter 1: Will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference in the 
overall level of drugs moving into the city?
 — Stentley: No idea. Next!
 — Reporter 2: What's your philosophy for dealing with international 
narcotics supply chains?
 — Stentley: Didn't understand the question. Next!
 — Reporter 1: Why was Flaco targeted for this operation?
 — Stentley: Okay, there's a question I can answer. Uh, uh- well, it all 
started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine, so I totally biffed it. Uh-
[Deputy Commissioner Ultrecht commandeers the podium.]
 — Ultrecht: Thank you, Captain. That is- that's plenty.
 — Jake: That was a train wreck.
 — Holt: Yes, he never should've been put in that position. Whoever 
recommended him for the medal and called all those reporters really messed up. 
[Smiles]
 — Jake: Wait, what are you saying?
 — Holt: Oh, nothing. It just seems as if CJ has been... overmined.
 — Jake: And you used my made-up word!
 — Holt: I did. I hated it, "overmined!" [Sighs] What have I become? Was this 
whole thing even worth it?
 — Jake: It was no snacksident.
%
 — Diaz: So the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year. 
To make that much they'd have had to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day, 
7 days a week, for the entire year.
 — Boyle: Damn it! We have to shut them down.
 — Diaz: Wait. Let's not be hasty about this. Let's think this through. We 
wanna be smart about this.
 — Boyle: Right. What if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow, I'm chasing 
a murderer, and I'm about to get him and my foot cramps up?
 — Diaz: Due to lack of massaging.
 — Boyle: Then the murderer gets away!
 — Diaz: Know who he kills next? The Mayor.
 — Boyle: Oh, my God. The City has no mayor now.
 — Diaz: It's chaos. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.
 — Boyle: They gotta call in the National Guard, there's tanks rolling down 
Fifth Avenue, declaring martial law!
 — Diaz: All because we shut down a foot massage place.
 — Boyle: That was doing God's work! What were we thinking?
 — Diaz: So it's agreed. We let them stay open, for the sake of the city.
 — Boyle: For the sake of the city.
[They sit for a few moments.]
 — Diaz: We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?
 — Boyle: Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.
%
 — Diaz: NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!
 — Boyle: Put your magical hands where I can see them!
 — Diaz: You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!
 — Boyle: And money laundering.
 — Diaz: Yes, money laundering! Whatever!
%
[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, and his foster brother George have Jake and 
Holt at gunpoint.]

 — Jake: What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends!
 — Doug Judy: I don't know why you thought that.
 — Jake: Because you kept saying we were! We had hard plans to go to Niagara 
Falls!
 — George Judy: So what, are you friends with this cop?
 — Doug Judy: No. This thirsty-ass bitch just desperate for attention.
 — Jake: "Thirsty-ass bitch"? Okay, Captain, now I know you're gonna step in 
to defend me.
 — Holt: Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.
 — Jake: Oh, my God, this is the worst day of my life! Where's Charles?
 — George Judy: So if you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste 'im, 
right?
 — Jake: Of course he minds! I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in a playful 
way. Like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life 
is a lie!
 — Doug Judy: Shoot 'im.
 — Jake: Noo! Those can't be my last words! Uh, ¡ay, caramba!

[George Judy pulls the trigger, but his pistol dry-fires.]

 — George Judy: The hell?

[Doug Judy slams his pistol into his foster brother's head, knocking him out.]

 — Doug Judy: Whoops. Looks like someone forgot to put bullets in his 
brother's gun.
%
 — Holt: I just got off the phone with the D.A. And for aiding in the capture 
of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past 
crimes.
 — Doug Judy: So I'm a free man?
 — Holt: [Nods] Mm.

[Doug Judy leans back and takes in his first breath as a free man.]

 — Doug Judy: Nope. Still smells the same.
 — Jake: I'm sorry that I doubted you. But you did drive off with the guy we 
were chasing.
 — Doug Judy: Had to. I saw he was about to get away, so I tricked him into 
thinking I was on his side. It's crazy how good I am at your job.
 — Holt: Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your 
honesty. And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.
 — Jake: Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.
 — Holt: Fine. You're a good cop, even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.
 — Jake: Wow. Solve a pretty intense murder and just crap all over me.
 — Doug Judy: Hey, Cap'n, got you a little somethin'-somethin'. [Pulls the 
cover off a nearby car, revealing a red 1963 Chevrolet Corvair Monza Spyder 
convertible.]
 — Holt: Gertie?
 — Doug Judy: Nope. But she is the same make, model, and color.
 — Holt: Oh, my God, you stole this! I can't be seen driving a stolen-
 — Doug Judy: Relax, man. I bought this at a used car lot for, like, $600. 
This is not a nice vehicle.
 — Jake: Yeah, it's not.
 — Doug Judy: And by the way, her name's not Gertie. It's Sexarella.
 — Holt: Hello, Sexarella.
%
 — Jake: So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?
 — Doug Judy: Turning over a new leaf. I'm gonna live that honest life. Maybe 
open up a bakery, buy a little house, invest in my retirement.
 — Jake: You're gonna go back to stealing cars immediately, aren't you?
 — Doug Judy: That's very much on the table, yeah.
 — Jake: And when you do, I'm gonna be there to stop you.
 — Doug Judy: No, you won't.
 — Jake: Yes, I will.
 — Doug Judy: No, you won't.
 — Jake: Yes, I will.
 — Doug Judy: I'm gonna miss you, man.
%
 — Jake: So what was it like getting hit by a bus?
 — Gina: It was awesome.
 — Jake: I knew it! I always wanted to get hit by a bus.
 — Gina: Yeah, I mean, I was legally dead for two full minutes. And I met God.
 — Diaz: Tight. What does She look like?
 — Gina: Ethnically ambiguous.
%
 — Diaz: Are they gonna be looking at our desks? Also, unrelated, someone 
left a bunch of swords at my desk.
 — Hitchcock: I have a similar question about browser history.
 — Holt: Just throw your computer away.
 — Hitchcock: Roger that.
%
 — Boyle: There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat. Now, please hand me 
that jar of wolf pee I rub on my kid.
%
 — Veronica: All right, everyone. As you know, the NYPD intends to shutter 
one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 9-9 and sending my findings to 
the Deputy Commissioner. Any questions?
 — Terry: Yeah. Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for the job, 
given your and my...
 — Boyle: Sexual past?
 — Terry: Thank you, Detective Boyle.
 — Veronica: Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly. I won't let our past 
interfere with my assessment in any way, whatsoever.
 — Holt: Well, that's certainly good to hear.
 — Veronica: I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over, 
and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent 
relationship. But that does not mean that I cannot remain unbiased.
 — Jake: The way you say that, it kind of makes it sound like you actually 
are biased.
 — Veronica: [Menacingly] I have no idea what you mean. That is all.
%
 — Veronica: Terrence.
 — Terry: Veronica, I'm sorry for how I handled our breakup back in the day. 
I was trying to be a good guy. To be nice. But sometimes, to be nice someone 
means you have to be honest with them. Even if it hurts their feelings.
 — Veronica: Thank you for saying that.
 — Terry: Now, you don't have to forgive me. But could you please at least 
give the precinct a shot?
 — Veronica: I would love to do that!
 — Terry: Oh, thank you so much!
 — Veronica: Except I already turned in my report.
 — Terry: Oh. Was it positive?
 — Veronica: No. It was real bad.
%
 — Terry: I see you filming, Linetti! What's in the yogurt?
 — Gina: Normal stuff. Nothing you'd use to make a sidewalk with.
 — Holt: Attention, squad. I just got word from Peralta and Boyle.
 — Amy: Did they make their bust? Did they save the precinct?
 — Holt: No, they decided to bring in a bigger fish. They're not gonna make 
the hearing.
 — Diaz: So Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing? [To 
Amy] You did this to him.
 — Holt: Look, I know we want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of 
them. Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important, but what's more 
important is our loyalty to this city, and its citizens. I guess what I'm 
trying to say is... let's go get drunk.
%
 — Holt: Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of 
online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".
 — Gina: I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. 
Another great Gina Linetti entrance.
 — Bartender: I told you- you can't be back here.
 — Gina: And I told you- I already am!
 — Jake: What did you do?
 — Gina: I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech 
about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, the 
were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's 
office."
 — Jake: The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a 
legend! To the Nine-Nine!
 — Holt, Terry, Scully, Hitchcock, Amy, Diaz, Boyle: To the Nine-Nine!
[Everyone drinks the toast but immediately spits out the beer bottles' 
contents.]
 — Gina: Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!
%
 — Holt': I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.
 — Jake: Okay, but in my defense Rosa bet me fifty cents I couldn't drink all 
that shampoo.
 — Holt: That's not what I want- you drank shampoo?
 — Jake: What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.
 — Holt: Do you know what disappoints me most about this picture? That I'm 
not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the 9-9 so happy. And I wasn't 
there.
 — Jake: Because you were working on the presentation, to get us a win.
 — Holt: Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I'd been in that photo.
 — Jake: I know. And I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But 
it's not over. And we are still in Rochester.
 — Holt: What are you saying?
 — Jake: I think you know what I'm saying.
%
 — Diaz: So she's stress-braiding. That's like a 1 on the Santiago panic 
scale.
 — Jake: Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two: Creepily singing songs 
from The Great American Songbook. [In a flashback, Amy sits up creepily singing 
"You're a Grand Old Flag" while Jake lies awake listening.] So, yeah, it's a 
little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us.
 — Amy: WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO COOK MY FRICKIN' OATMEAL?!

[Amy picks up the microwave, throws it on the floor, pulls out her collapsible 
baton and starts beating and stomping the microwave.]

 — Jake: She'll be okay.
%
 — Jake: Ocampo got away. [Looks at one of the two men Diaz has caught] What 
happened to him?
 — Diaz: Dumb-dumb tried to jump down the stairs. Shattered his ankle. Foot's 
all floppy.
 — Jake: Great. Let's get 'em back to the 9-9, see if Floppy Foot and his 
friend know where our man's hiding.
 — Melanie Hawkins: They don't know anything. They're undercover cops.
 — Diaz: Crap, that's Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.
 — Jake: I know; she's literally my hero. Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins!
 — Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
 — Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX! That's I-G- [Hawkins 
gives him a look of disgust and walks away.] Nacious...
%
 — Diaz: This place is awesome. I've always wanted to work in a covert 
facility.
 — Jake: I know; we're in a black site, Rosa. I bet they have some awesome 
name for it.
 — Hawkins: Welcome to The Slaughterhouse.
 — Jake: Told ya. Hey, listen- we know you told us to stop looking for 
Ocampo, but we figured we'd find him for you, try and make things right.
 — Hawkins: It's all good. I'm not mad. I checked out your files; you guys do 
good stuff. I think you guys might be our best option at finding this guy 
again. You think you can do that?
 — Diaz: Can a paring knife remove a human heart in under a minute?
 — Hawkins: Yes. I've seen it happen.
 — Jake: Lucky.
 — Hawkins: So, why don't you both come back tomorrow and we'll start working 
this together? And who knows- if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my 
squad. Maybe one of you could fill it.
 — Jake: Or, maybe one of us could fill it.
 — Hawkins: Excuse me?
 — Jake: What you said, better. Rosa, leave now?
%
 — Diaz: What's up?
 — Jake: So, not sure if Paxton told you, but we brought in a perp earlier.
 — Diaz: Good-looking guy, weird energy.
 — Hawkins: Yeah, did you get anything?
 — Jake: No, he didn't know jack. But we surprisingly noticed that there was 
a camera in the room.
 — Diaz: And we really need that footage.
 — Hawkins: Why?
 — Jake: Let's just say, in the course of questioning him, he may have 
accidentally fallen down a couple of times.
 — Diaz: He's real clumsy.
 — Jake: If the wrong person saw that tape, they might get the wrong idea.
 — Hawkins: You know, I saw the tape. And it was shocking- how clumsy that 
guy actually was.
 — Jake: Right?
 — Hawkins: And you know the funny thing is, I meant to save the file, but I 
deleted it by accident.
 — Diaz: Guess we're all a little clumsy.
 — Jake: Yes, indeed. I stepped on my omelette this morning. Not pertinent. 
Let's continue with our covert conversation.
 — Hawkins: You know, a bunch of us are going out drinking tonight. You wanna 
come?
 — Jake: I should warn you- me and Rosa go pretty hard.
 — Hawkins: Great; bring some coke.
%
 — NYPD Officer: NYPD! Hands up! Weapons down!
 — Jake: Great work, boys. We're cops. Wait, where's Captain Holt?
 — NYPD Officer: Who's Captain Holt? I don't know a Captain Holt.
 — Jake: We're NYPD officers; this is an undercover operation.
 — Hawkins: That's a lie, Peralta. You're the Golden Gang. We've been onto 
you for weeks, and we finally got you.
 — Jake: Hawkins? How did you get over there? Who are they?
 — Hawkins: You tell me. They're your crew.
[NYPD officers take off the masks of two robbers wearing the same type clothing 
and masks as Jake and Rosa.]
 — Robber: They got us, Jake. It's over.
 — Jake: I've never seen them before! What is going on?
 — Hawkins: Good job, everyone! We finally got the Golden Gang! [Approaches 
Jake, turns him around to handcuff him] I can't believe you thought you were 
gonna take me down.
 — Jake: You're not gonna get away with this!
 — Hawkins: Oh, I already did. And Captain Holt won't be able to get you out 
of this one.
%
 — Amy: Paris sounds fun! Or, we could just go someplace we can actually 
afford.
 — Jake: Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. Sitting on $26 
million, baby!
 — Judge Marinovich: [Stops while walking by] Excuse me?
 — Amy: He's kidding!
 — Jake: Yeah, I'm innocent. Not guilty. I'll see you when we get in there. 
[Marinovich gives him a strange look and leaves.] Nice talking to you, Judge...
%
 — Holt: Diaz, I've been calling you. Why won't you answer your phone?
 — Diaz: Don't have it. Charged it and stuck it on a truck headed west.
 — Holt: What's with the suitcase?
 — Diaz: Going to Malaysia.
 — Holt: You're going to Malaysia?
 — Diaz: No, the suitcase is going to Malaysia. I'm getting on a bus to 
Florida.
 — Holt: What's in Florida?
 — Diaz: Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.
 — Holt: This is very complicated.
 — Diaz: Thank you. Adrian has a ranch in the Andes where he goes when he's 
on the run. He's already there, getting rid of the scorpions. Or... adding more 
scorpions. I don't know, the reception was real bad.
 — Holt: Diaz, I know you're scared. But things are starting to turn around. 
We're on the money trail, and we just found a new lead.
 — Diaz: With all due respect, sir, we both know that none of that is gonna 
pan out. And you said yourself that I should take action. So I am. In 
Argentina, surrounded by scorpions. Or not surrounded by scorpions. I'll find 
out when I get there.
 — Holt: Look, I know you're innocent, but fleeing the country is a crime. I 
could arrest you right here!
 — Diaz: Do it, then. [Holt stares at her but does nothing] I didn't think 
so. [Tosses Holt an apartment key] The mortgage is paid off. You can give the 
place to whoever you want. I don't care. Actually, I do care. Don't give it to 
Hitchcock.
%
 — Amy: Jake! Jake! This was a mistake; we have to get Langdon off the stand 
now!
 — Jake: What? Why?
 — Sam Miller: [Questioning Matthew Langdon, who is on the witness stand] And 
how would you describe the Lieutenant?
 — Amy: He works for Hawkins! He put the money in the accounts!
 — Jake: Oh, no.
 — Langdon: Melanie Hawkins was the most honorable cop I ever worked with. 
And the only reason that I am here is because of that man- Jake Peralta. He 
offered me $300,000 to lie and say that she set 'em up.
 — Jake: [To Diaz] Okay, this is bad. This is really bad. But just remember: 
we are not going to jail. We didn't do it. We're innocent.
[Cut to the Jury Foreman delivering the jury's verdict]
 — Jury Foreman: Guilty on all charges.
%
— Caleb: At least you still have people who want to see you. My family hasn't 
been here to see me since the trial. You eat nine people, and all of a sudden 
they "don't know who you are anymore".
 — Jake: Wait... What? Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?
 — Caleb: Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what 
I'm most passionate about, I'm a woodworker.
%
 — Terry: So how's prison?
 — Rosa: Nobody likes cops in here so I had to earn their respect by starting 
a bunch of riots, I got thrown in solitary for a week, what's going on with 
your face?
 — Terry: I hate seeing you like this so I'm flexing my eyes real hard to 
keep from crying. It's okay, we can still have a normal conversation. So, how's 
the food?
 — Holt: Pay no attention to him, Rosa. He's very emotional, Rosa.
 — Rosa: Why are you saying my first name?
 — Holt: Well, Rosa... I read an article on the medical journal that said one 
destabilizing aspect of incarceration is the constant dehumanization, Rosa. You 
need to be reminded that you're more than just a number, Rosa. You are Rosa... 
Rosa.
 — Rosa: Yeah, that fixes prison.
 — Terry: Is there anything we can do to help you? Anything you need done on 
the outside?
 — Rosa: No, I'm good.
 — Terry: It's not a problem...
 — Holt: ...Rosa.
 — Terry: We're here for you...
 — Holt: ...Rosa.
 — Terry: Whatever you need...
 — Holt: ...Rosa.
%
 — Amy: Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you. You've lost the 
ability to surprise me. Ya just plain boring.
 — Jake: Again, weird take on a very loving relationship.
 — Amy: And it's midnight, so I guess I'm an amazing human/genius.
 — Jake: Yeah. Although you might wanna read the inscription on that there 
belt.
 — Amy: Why? Oh, no, what does it say? [reads inscription] "Amy Santiago, 
will you marry me?"

[Amy turns around to see Jake on one knee holding out an engagement ring]

 — Jake: Surprise.
%
 — Amy: I'm so confused. I don't know what's happening right now.
 — Jake: "I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now": title of 
your sex tape.
 — Amy: "h, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. [grins] Title of 
your sex tape. [beat] Wait, is this really happening? Is this part of the 
heist? If this is part of the heist, I will dump you so hard.
 — Jake:  No, please, Ames, look, it's really happening, okay? It's not part 
of the heist. I promise, this is real.
 — Amy:  It is?
 — Jake: Yeah. Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you 
are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I 
should've written this down first.
 — Amy: No, no, it's okay. Go on.
 — Jake:  I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.
 — Amy: I like the second one.
 — Jake: You don't have to. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the 
best person I know, and the best detective. [pause] Also, for reals, I love 
your butt.
 — Amy:  I love yours too.
 — Jake: Gross. [chuckles] Amy Santiago, will you marry me?
 — Amy: Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

[They kiss]

 — Amy: I love you so much.
 — Charles: [busting into the evidence room] Hey, jerkos, this little Tramp 
escaped, so that ought to teach... [notices Jake's ring box] D-did you just...? 
[Jake nods] And did you say...? [Amy nods whilst showing her ring]

[Charles hyperventilates and faints]
%
[Holt is briefing the Nine-Nine on what mobster Seamus Murphy is demanding as a 
favour from him]

 — Jake Peralta: A permit to throw a block party? We don't even have to break 
the law! This is fantastic news!
 — Raymond Holt: I am not giving Seamus Murphy that permit. He only wants to 
use the block party as a cover for something criminal. A robbery, a murder or 
something worse.
 — Jake Peralta: You don't know that for sure. And that's your loophole.
 — Raymond Holt: I don't believe in loopholes.
 — Jake Peralta: What? Loopholes are the best. Remember that time when 
Pancake Palace had that all-you-can-eat deal, but they didn't set a time limit? 
I ate pancakes for a week for $3.99, all I had to do was sleep there and never 
shower.

[Amy looks visibly disgusted]

 — Norm Scully: [outraged] What!? Thanks for the invite, friend!
%
 — Holt: This is one of several designated areas where you can stand upright 
during the day. You can move about freely in this square.
 — Jake: Wow... so we have all this room to work in?
 — Holt: Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed 
Kevin.
 — Kevin: Raymond...
 — Holt: I can't hear you Kevin, you're dead. [to Jake] He bled out in your 
lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.
 — Jake: We don't have to do this...
 — Holt: Ah, detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of 
my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?
 — Jake: Okay, I get it...
 — Holt: It's Kevin's? This is devastating, I'm inconsolable. And... [snaps 
fingers] I've killed myself.
 — Jake: Cool. Well, I can see this is going to be a fun couple of months.
%
[Jake re-enters the interrogation room to confront his murder suspect, Phillip 
Davidson, one last time]

 — Lawyer: He's not answering any questions.
 — Jake Peralta: That's okay, I have no questions. That's right, I'm about to 
monologue, son!
 — Phillip Davidson: [smiling] Better make it quick. You only got eight 
minutes.
 — Jake: All right, then let me paint you a picture. I'm Phillip, a 
successful periodontist that's become addicted to Diazepam, a sedative I take 
because I'm a junkie scum. Also, for real, addiction is a disease, I would be 
super empathetic if you hadn't murdered a man.
 — Lawyer: What is the point of this?
 — Jake: I'll get there. So, one day I'm working late, when my boss, Robert 
surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds. Again, junkie scum. Again, not 
your fault, there's a genetic component to addiction. He says he's going to 
file a police report. I could lose my licence. We fight, and something in me 
just snaps. So I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.
 — Lawyer: You still have no murder weapon.
 — Jake: I do now. [places a picture on the table] Here's a pic I found on 
Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago. [places a second picture on the 
table] Here's a shot that our crime scene photographers took of the same room 
two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?
 — Lawyer: We're not answering that.
 — Jake: That's all right, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot has six 
of these heavy looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in 
the background, whereas [points to the crime scene photo] this shot only has 
five. What happened to number six? You murdered Robert with it!
 — Phillip: [getting increasingly agitated] I didn't.
 — Jake: You lost control, and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have 
been blood everywhere. But you got lucky! You were in the surgical suite. It 
can be sterilised - you never would've gotten away with it in your carpeted 
office.
 — Phillip: That's not what happened.
 — Lawyer: Don't say anything more, Phillip.
 — Jake: And your office manager would've heard all of the screaming, but she 
was at her grandson's play. Lucky again!
 — Phillip: You're wrong.
 — Jake: You put Robert's body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the 
elevator, it's a miracle there wasn't blood everywhere.
 — Phillip: That's not true.
 — Jake: Now you're in the garage, with a corpse. You panicked, and left your 
phone in your office, and you don't have your car keys, but Robert's are in his 
pocket, so you put him in his car, and you take off!
 — Phillip: No.
 — Jake: You can't believe what you've done!
 — Phillip: No!
 — Lawyer: Phillip!
 — Jake: You're flustered, you have no GPS, so you just start driving!
 — Phillip: NO!
 — Lawyer: Phillip!
 — Jake: Next thing you know, you're in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you, 
your uncle's cabin. He has a place there. You're the luckiest son of a bitch!
 — Phillip: IT WASN'T LUCK!
 — Jake: Yes it was! You got lucky at EVERY turn!
 — Phillip: [leaps out of his chair] No! I knew exactly where I was driving. 
I left my phone in the office on purpose. I was in the surgical suite by 
design. And I didn't use some glass award that any idiot would clearly see was 
missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, and 
melted it back down. It's already in a patient's mouth, SON!

[Jake smiles triumphantly at him, while Phillip collapses back into his seat, 
realising what he's just said, while Holt watches in shock from the door]

 — Raymond Holt: Oh damn. Oh damn. Oh, Damn!
 — Jake: And that is three "Oh damns"!
%
[Jake and a witness are viewing a line-up]

 — Jake:  So, do you recognize any of these men?
 — Witness: I was hiding in the bathroom stall, so I didn't see his face. But 
I heard him. He was singing along to the music at the bar.
 — Jake: Do you remember what he was singing?
 — Witness: I think it was that song, "I Want It That Way".
 — Jake: Backstreet Boys. I'm familiar. Okay. [presses intercom] Number one, 
could you please sing the opening  to "I Want It That Way"?
 — Number One: Really? Okay. [singing] You are my fire...
 — Jake: Number two, keep it going.
 — Number Two: The one desire...
 — Jake: Number three.
 — Number Three: Believe when I say...
 — Jake: Number four.
 — Number Four: I want it that way.
 — Jake: [singing] Tell me why!
 — Suspects: Ain't nothing but a heartache...
 — Jake: Tell me why!
 — Suspects: Ain't nothing but a mistake...
 — Jake: [still singing] Now number five...
 — Number Five: I never want to hear you say…
 — Suspects: I want it that way.
 — Jake: Ah, chills! Literal chills!
 — Witness: It was number five. Number five killed my brother.
 — Jake: Oh my God, I forgot about that part.
%