Ari Gold: Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my c**k!
[Ari's daughter is practising for her bat mitzvah]
Ari Gold: [to his wife] Is it me or is her voice getting worse?
Ari's Wife: Ari!
Ari Gold: It doesn't mean that I don't love her but she's just awful baby!
Ari Gold: I'll beat that old f**k and throw him in the pool.
Ari Gold: [to his young kids]
Ari Gold: Only Daddy speaks that way!
Ari Gold: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.
Eric: We gotta get Cameron to see "Queens Boulevard."
Ari Gold: You haven't even seen it yet!
Eric: I saw the scenes that Vince looped today. They looked amazing.
Ari Gold: Great. So you want me to get the biggest director in the game to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage.
Ari Gold: You can have it if you want to live in Agora f**king hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherf**king Wednesday.
Eric: [Eric and Ari are discussing film roles for Vince] Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic.
Ari Gold: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a d**k. That's what actors do. They pretend.
Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes?
Ari Gold: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list.
Eric: Where is Vince on that list?
Ari Gold: He ain't on the list.
Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list?
Ari Gold: You do "Aquaman," you stupid f**k!
Ari Gold: From now on ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants.
Eric: How'd you know that?
Ari Gold: 'Cause I know all. And I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta to fire her so you don't feel weird.
Eric: No. Don't fire her.
Ari Gold: All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits.
Ari Gold: [Ari doesn't want Vince to do Queens Blvd] You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?
Eric: Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could.
Vince: I do have great balance.
Adam Davies: [Adam Davies reveals himself to be the traitor within Ari's coup d'état] You should be a nicer person. Maybe then people wouldn't f**k you.
Ari Gold: You talked, Davies?
Ari Gold: [Davies turns away to leave] Hey, Adam.
Adam Davies: Yeah, Ari?
Ari Gold: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story.
Ari Gold: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a f**king spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!
Ari Gold: I thought you already were his manager. Because believe me I would not put up with this much s**t from anyone who wasn't.
Eric: Yeah, I know I am, but I want to do it for real, you know? I want to have the conversation, lock it in.
Ari Gold: So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna f**king cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them.
Eric: He doesn't need me that much.
Ari Gold: Of course he doesn't need you. You're f**king worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's not the point.
Eric: Then what is the point, Ari?
Ari Gold: The point is that he is an insecure f**k, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful, and wear the crown.
Ari Gold: Call me Helen Keller because I'm a f**king miracle worker!
Ari: I knew you liked d**k, Babs, but i didn't realize you were a c**ksucker!
Ari: It's like high school. You can't f**k the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers!
Ari: F**k the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-f**k, don’t answer!
Ari: There you go, baby -- Men at Work, the land down under...We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe, and we're gonna headbutt some goddamn kangaroos.
Mrs. Gold: uh huh...and what's in the gym bag?
Ari: A kilo of blow. [Ari laughs nervously] What's with all the f**king questions?
Mrs. Gold: [to Eric] He's showing off for you.
Ari: You like Gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.
Ari: [to Eric] I would say hug it out, but I don't want you drawing wood.
Lloyd: Ari, swear to me you will never say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation.
Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I WILL always apologize after.
Ari: [Berating an agent who attempted to steal Ari's client] You know what other class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's motherf**king clients. But in your case, I am going to make an exception. I am going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality TV writers. When I'm done with you, you're going to be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jojo, the dog-faced bitchboy? call Josh Weinf**k, the light-weight pen-stealing f**kface. [Takes the agent's mimosa and sips from it] That's awful. [dumps the drink]
Ari [to Eric]: You know 'The Station Agent,' Eric? Monster hit at Sundance. It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. Last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London. Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there.
Mrs. Gold: I ask for one hour out of the day for his undivided attention, and I can't even have that.
Ari: You can have it if you want to live in Agora f**king hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, and a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherf**king Wednesday.
Ari: All right, when you talk to Dana, tell her I'm going to take the pictures from Cancun, and start a website called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and there will be no password or fee required, and I will take out a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Tell her I want a f**king call back.
Ari: [after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] Come on! I'm like R. Kelly at recess here!
Ari: The next one after "Queens Boulevard" is a studio picture: I'm talking franchise, baby. We'll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a huge c**k.
Vincent: It's definitely tempting.
Ari: I love you!
Gary Busey: You are a gut maggot without guts.
Ari: Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up!
Ari: [When Eric tells him that James Cameron is directing Aquaman] F**k you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster?
Ari: Listen, Lloyd, do you want to make it? Or do you want to fold shirts at a Chinese laundry? Now pledge. Nod if you understand what I'm saying.
Lloyd: I understand.
Ari: You can't just f**king nod?
Lloyd: How'd it go?
Ari: How'd the f**king Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd?
Ari: I wanna f**k Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might actually have a shot.
Ari: F**k Peter Hill, never heard of him.
Ari: Let's hug it out, bitch.
Ari: [yelling to another driver on the road] Is that the way they drive in Tiananmen Square, bitch?
Ari: [to his assistant Lloyd] *nodding drunkenly* That was a good speech Lloyd...If I was 25 and liked c**k, we could be something...
Ari: Smoke more Weed Turtle, Seriously, smoke more weed.
Ari: Great work, Rob. Great work. See if you can read this: [Writing on dry-erase board] Get the f**k out! You're fired, and in case your ears are f**ked, Get. The F**k. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work. God damn that felt good.
Ari: You s**tty dime-store therapist. A man's life is on the line here, and all you give a f**k about is beating some stupid club record that will do what for you? Give you five minutes of pleasure while you f**k your unpaid emasculated husband tonight? How the f**k does he afford this place anyway? Isn't he a guidance counselor at a high school?
Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the f**king Bobcats. And I came here today, because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which I thought, given your wall of f**king diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me, I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number - like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day.
Mrs. Ari: You're really only our 5th.
Ari: My life is over [shouting drunk, out of Lloyd's car window]
Lloyd You'll bounce back Ari Gold!
Ari: I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, and I'm going home in a prop car from the fast and the furious, I just don't see it Lloyd...
Ari: Jesus Christ you all suck. If I wouldn’t have a five year lease on this place I would shut it down and work out of a cardboard box by myself.
Director: Payback’s a bitch, Ari.
Ari: Well back when you were on the sage you’d try to fuck it.
Ari: Maybe they don’t want to make a show with you Drama.
Drama: They gave me a holding deal.
Ari: The guy who grills my hot dog at Carney’s had a holding deal in 1978.
%e Don’t Care about Daddy
Ari: Well tell the school, that when they schedule a parent teacher conference for 2:30 on a weekday, that’s just their way of saying we don’t care about daddy.
Ari: Even with a million man army sometimes you got to do some groundwork yourself. Saddam Hussein had to hang a few without assistants, no?
E: You represent the guy.
Ari: I represent everyone now, Eric.
More Ari Gold Quotes in Entourage episode 01 - Stunted
E: Come on Ari, you’re the perfect picture of marital bliss.
Ari: Like a hostage with a machete to it’s neck you have to put on a good face for the camera.
Ari: E, long time hear. You married yet?
E: Yeah October Ari. I assume you’ll be there?
Ari: Listen. Can I keep the little groom from the top of the cake just in case Sloan never lets you out of the house again? I could carry you around in my pocket like I always dreamed of.
Ari: Someone find out why we’re not selling the NFL rights.
Agent: They do it internally.
Ari: Well they shouldn’t so somebody get me a meeting.
Ari: This is now the biggest agency in the world. And I’m the head of it. Which makes me the biggest agent in the world. Now, can anyone tell me why I chose to be the biggest agent in the world? It’s so I can stop being a fucking agent. So don’t tell me to show the love, that’s what I pay you people for.
Jerry: How would you like to own an NFL team Mr. Gold?
Ari: I love you – I love it.
Lizzy: You got the [NFL] meeting? Shit that’s impressive.
Ari: Yeah, I’d blow myself if I was more flexible.
Lizzy: I’m not asking you because I need you, but I’m on the verge of signing an executive producer from Glee.
Ari: I don’t sing.
Account guy: You have to talk to the accounting department.
Ari: I don’t have anything.
Account guy: I have multiple clients with checks missing.
Ari: That’s not a king’s job!
[Mrs. Ari wants Ari to buy her an Italien chandelier, but Ari has to go to his NFL meeting]
Ari: I sell the tv rights and I will buy you Italy.
Ari: I deliver Jerry. Always have. Ask anyone. Even my wife who’s in the car.
[gesturing to Mrs. Ari that she should speak up]
Mrs. Ari: He always delivers Mr. Jones.
Jerry: You’re a persistant fellow.
Ari: I haven’t gotten to where I am by giving up easily.
Mrs. Ari: [This chandelier] is murano glass and it was originally owned by Sophie Loren.
Ari: I’d rather look at nude photos of her original body
Ari [to Babs]: Hah, like a good cop bad cop game huh? I like it, maybe later we can role play huh? Is it just me or would you look great in leather pants and gag ball?
Ari: [Lizzy] looks 21.
Babs: Her looks don’t matter.
Ari: Really? We’d still have the head of our TV department if that were the case.
Babs: I wanna talk about Lizzy.
Ari: Oh Jezus, she went running to her grandmother.
Babs [walking in to Ari's office]: Ari?
Ari: Didn’t we already top our one conversation per day rule Babs?
More Ari Gold Quotes in Entourage episode 03 - Dramedy
Lizzy: Ari, I’m not satisfied.
Ari: I’m sorry kid, but I’m not the man who’s gonna satisfy you.
Lizzy: Ari, name one person that’s more qualified than me.
Ari: I don’t know the names of any people in the TV department and the only reason I know your name is the reason no one is heading our television department. It’s no way to move up.
Lizzy: Completely unfair.
Ari: Tell that to Andrew’s fatherless children.
Ari: I’m bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles. And it won’t affect this company by the way, except you all might have really good football seats.
Ari: OK people, so here’s the thing. This merger has made me more famous than I wanted to be. I don’t want to be known. I don’t want to be talked about. I have ears everywhere. Let me just say, that if those ears hear about anyone talking about me that person will die. And I’m not threatening your jobs – I’m threatening your lifes, and I’m serious.
Lizzy: Ari, can we have lunch today?
Ari: No, why?
Lizzy: I need to talk.
Ari: Well email me.
Ari: Everyone. Conference room. Quickly! And quickly means run!
Ari: Andrew! What a tragic time to be calling. I just landed an NFL team in Los Angeles and if you didn’t blow your entire career up your nose you’d be banging cheerleaders up in a luxury box with us.
Ari (after hanging up on Katzenberg): Call my wife. I may even take her to dinner. You go to dinner as well on me. You got a girl?
Jake: Not right now.
Ari: Well you want cash for a hooker? Either way.
Ari: Barbara Miller has committed ten million dollars and agreed to work for free as the mascot. How about that? The L.A. Cougars.
Ari: I did play a little [football] in high school. I was pretty good for a Jew.
Lizzy: You screwed me. And I’m gonna do everything I can to pay you back.
Ari: Is it that time of the month for you Lizzy? Because I think that your hormones are making your brain forget WHO YOU’RE THREATENING.
Ari: Well I was hoping that we could part on good terms.
Lizzy: You can go fuck yourself Ari.
Ari: Now is that nice? I’m preparing a nice severance package for you. You don’t want me angry when I’m writing you a check, do you?
Ari (off to speak with Lizzy who is leaving the company): Send ‘m off with sweetness Jake! Hopefully you won’t have to taste my sugar any time soon.
Assistant: Yeah, let’s hope.
Assistant: Ari, you don’t have to be nervous. You’re gonna do great.
Ari: What are you, my life coach?
Assistant: I couldn’t find out what Katzenberg likes to eat.
Ari: He lives off Diet Coke, you see how lean he is?
Ari: I think your eye is growing cataract because as you see by the day’s event anyone she wants or has, be it a sitcom actor or a circus freak, I’m going after.
Ari (to Amanda): Please don’t tell me you’re the one who picked up the straight Lizzie from the harsh gutter of life.
Lloyd (looking at the dog): Isn’t he delicious?
Ari: Find something else to cook for dinner. Jessica is taking him.
Ari (to Andrew Sorkin): I’m now on Facebook because of you. I’ve got 600 friends. (Looks at Jessica Simpson): And John Mayer is not one of them.
[Jessica Simpson is coming in]
Ari (to Andrew Sorkin): She looks great and she’s single. You know what John Mayer said about her. Sexual napalm. You love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like victory.
Ari: You know [Lizzie] fucked Andrew? That’s what caused this whole spiral. It wasn’t the drugs, it was her evil pussy that lured him in.
Ari: No [Andrew]‘s not coming back. He’s a coke fiend sex addict who wrote checks out of this company’s account to buy hookers. So no, he will never work here again.
Mike Tyson: I wanna do like the black Brady Bunch. I’m trying to rehab my image. I want to spend some of that worldly wisdom that I picked up on my journey in life.
Ari: And then if Bobby doesn’t listen to you, you bite his ear off.
[Mike Tyson is explaining how he needs a new job, something 9 to 5]
Ari: You’re talking about something in sales? Because I think the intimidation factor could work in your favor. Or it could be a liability.
Ari: I don’t wanna talk to anybody, was I not clear? Nobody. I don’t care if Justin Bieber calls and wants me to negotiate the rights to his virginity, I don’t wanna talk to him. NOBODY.
Ari: Jesus Billy you’re back and apparently working at the Gap.
Ari: A writer’s assistant on a sitcom once sued for inappropriate talk, went to the supreme court. You know what they told her? They told her that the writers could talk about gangbanging her all day long as long as they don’t do it.
Ari (to Amanda): Lizzie’s little work of fiction journal proves that I’m guilty like Lindsay Blowhan proves that fame is fucking healthy.
Ari: Listen, E. I’ll call you in an hour. Make sure your doppelgängbanger stays off the line. GO!
[Eric and Scott enter Ari's office]
Ari: Is this the Big Brother program of America except who’s the big brother?
Jake: Eric and Scott I told your office now is not a good time. Ari is not in a great mood.
Ari: HAS THAT WHORE CALLED ME BACK YET?
Jake: Told you.
Ari: I love you Dana, and if I’d ever cheat on my wife it will be you I’m fucking.
Ari: I don’t make the rules. Not all of them anyways.
Ari: I think that you know what I think about your thoughts, Babs.
Deadline Hollywood: You’d better give me something.
Ari: Howard Stern is gonna be the new host of Jeopardy. You didn’t hear it from me.
Ari: I’ll give [Deadline Hollywood] a scoop.
Babs: Oh, you got one?
Ari: Yeah, I’m gonna tell her that you blew Mickey Rooney and gargled with it. She’ll love it.
Ari: Deadline Hollywood would run a story about me having a loose stool much less having recorded tapes of me.
Ari: What are you laughing about?
Ari: Then don’t.
Therepist: I’m sorry, we’ll have to stop soon. Ari, can you respond to this request?
Ari: No, who could.. and fuck you with your fucking clock!
Therapist: It’s nice to see that you find your voice.
Ari: When did she not had her voice?
Ari: Listen sweetheart. You wanna call and butter me up with sympathy and then drop this on me because you think that I’m down and will take anything – let me explain this to you in a metaphor you will understand. I am sure there are guys who have fingered you in the ass long enough that eventually you let them fuck it. And now you think you got me bent over with your finger in my ass thinking I will let you do the same. I am not like you Dana. You will not FUCK ME IN THE ASS, VINCE WILL NOT PISS IN A CUP FOR YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE.
Ari: Why don’t we start the day off with some hugs and kisses? Everyone except for you and me Lloyd, that ain’t happening.
Ari: If you don’t wanna talk and you don’t wanna have sex, what else is there to do in [the bedroom].
Mrs. Ari: You wanna talk?
Ari: I’d rather have sex…
Ari: The guest bed is not designed for an athletically built man.
Ari (to Amanda): You’re sorry? You’re sorry for what? You’re sorry for leaking slanderous out of context nonsense about me huh? And then rifling through all my hard work to steal my football team? Fuck you, ok? Fuck you. And now hold on a second. I’d never hit a woman in my entire life but I swear to God in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you did to me, my career and my family. But not to worry all right. Because I will prevail, because I’m a winner and you’re a whore with more cleavage than talent. And I will not stop untill I destroy you.
(Amanda keeps calling)
Ari: I don’t want to speak to her.
Jake: Should I tell her that?
Ari: Tell her I want her to die!
Richard Branson (walks in on Ari’s family night with two hot blondes): I’m in family mode too, so…
Ari: Yes. Well played sir. I love your family.
Mrs. Ari: ARI!
Ari: Honey, he has twins. How rare is that?
Ari: Jonah, next time boy’s night out. These girls are annoying.
Ari (on family night): I’m here, I’m present, I’m suffering. No phone, Blackberries or carrier pigeons.
Ari (to Christina Aguilera): If you give me an Emmy winning performance I will have Kobe Bryant sing at your birthday.
Mrs Ari: Don’t talk to my sister like that.
Ari: I don’t wanna speak to her at all.
Mrs. Ari: I feel like everyone’s looking at me. I don’t even wanna be here.
Ari: You’re here because of your son and no one is looking at you except for that Seagul kid’s dad who always looks at you because he wants to bang you.