— Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
— Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this
parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I
think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the
park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck
E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for
Chuck E. Cheese.
— Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.
— Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your
— Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool
for the kids?
— Mark: Oh, how old are your kids?
— Man: No kids.
— Tom: Uh-oh.
— April: I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."
— Mark: Don't do that.
— Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house?
Because, y'know, I really can't move again.
— Mark: April, please stand behind me.
— Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck.
— Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady.
— Leslie: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that
just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% -
when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by
those remaining penises. One penis in particular...
— Ron: Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble.
— Tom: I know. You're destroying me.
— Ron: You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks
at camera] And she's a bitch.
— Tom: Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.
— Ron: Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and
she's a serious bitch.
— Tom: When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your
power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind
[cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart]
— Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog.
[turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the next
— Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room
at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is
chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament,
like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.
— Leslie: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every
acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel
Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians
after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face
off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into
rainsticks. And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used
every part of the pioneer.
— Ann: Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine Restrepo?
— Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. When we
started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then
we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames,
Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With
Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis
Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long
pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow
Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...
[Mark goes up to Ron]
— Mark: Hey Parks Department.
— Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.
— Beth: Nice to meet you.
— Mark: Nice to meet you. You guys are together?
— Ron: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last
week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we
started dating. It's like a fairy tale.
— Beth: Tammy stinks.
[Mark goes up to Tom]
— Tom: Brendanawicz!
— Mark: Hey Tom.
— Tom: Hey, I want you to meet my wife.
— Wendy: Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.
— Mark: [shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?
— Wendy: Don't hold it against me.
— Tom: Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She
makes a ton of money! BAM!
[Mark goes up to April]
— April: This is Derek.
— Mark: Cool. How long you guys been dating?
— April: We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but
I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.
— Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.
— April: I don't want to talk to you.
— Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
— Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.
— Leslie: Pawnee has a gay bar?
— Ron: Yeah, The Bulge.
— Everyone: ...
— Ron: It's behind my house.
— Leslie: The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there...
— April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
— Ben: Hey.
— Leslie: Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?
— April: What do you mean?
— Leslie: How does this work?
— April: Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and
Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
— Derek: It's not that complicated.
— Donna: Hey. Why are you all dolled up?
— Leslie: Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar
tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think
I'm fabulous or something...
— Donna: Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.
— Leslie: Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down
the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!
— Leslie: [drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And
they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are.
And who they are is just stone-cold gay.
— Ron: Have fun last night?
— Leslie: I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben
and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my
actual bra size.
— Ron: ...
— Leslie: I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!
— Ron: Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee
— Leslie: Wow that's huge! What's the topic?
— Ron: You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your
— Leslie: No!
— Ron: You gotta go on and defend yourself.
— Leslie: Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.
— Ron: That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.
— Leslie: ...That was me.
— Joan Callamezzo: So Marcia what's all this fuss about?
— Marcia: The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating
for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a
pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.
— Joan Callamezzo: Miss Knope, how do you respond?
— Leslie: I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone.
I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to
perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.
— Joan Callamezzo: I have to say that that stunt that you did with the
penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss
Knope do to make it right?
— Marcia: Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.
— Joan Callamezzo: Of course not.
— Marcia: We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the
marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and
— Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to
jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?
— Marcia: Move to a different town! No, I kid.
— Leslie: I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked
marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was
kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there
wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.
— Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess
the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had
been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.
[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office]
— April: Do you live here?
— Ron: April?
— April: Yeah. Do you live here?
— Ron: No.
— April: Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face]
Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was
something wrong with you so I came back.
— Ron: It's just a minor medical issue.
— April: AIDS?
— Ron: ...No I'm safe.
— April: Blindness?
— Ron: ...No.
— April: Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?
— Ron: I have a hernia.
— April: Do you have syphilis?
— Ron: I said it's a hernia.
— April: I know. It's possible to have two things.
— Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I
didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my
life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me.
As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a
sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.
[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him
to the hospital. April enters.]
— April: Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his
keys. You ready?
— Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.
— Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to
look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you
call in favors for?
— Leslie: You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty
rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between
Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The
original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change
it for...obvious reasons.
— Councilman Dexhart [at his press conference] And to my wife, I apologize.
All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful
woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned.
Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the
underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. In
my defense, it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
— Mark: Hey hi there! What are you doing here?
— Ann: Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?
— Mark: Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a
game that we're playing.
— Ann: ...My taxes pay your salary right?
— Mark: Yeah...
— Ann: Cool.
— Ann: And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."
— Leslie: Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow
night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know,
a pair of cargo pants?
— Ann: Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.
— Leslie: What about like a sexy hat?
— Ann: I don't know what that even is.
— Leslie: Helping already!
— Leslie: Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?
— Ann: Shoot!
— Leslie: What if he asks me if I've been married?
— Ann: Have you!?
— Leslie: No.
— Ann: Well then say that.
— Leslie: But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what
I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I
say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?
— Ann: Whoa.
— Leslie: What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not
enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!
— Ann: Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-
— Leslie: I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a
table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But
let me tell you something Ann! It never works!!
— Ann: No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice
date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.
— Leslie: Ohhh! That's a way better idea!
— Ann: You're 20 minutes late, I almost left!
— Leslie: Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off.
— Ann: What's your niece's name?
— Leslie: Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a
niece...My niece's name is Stephanie?
— Jerry: Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid
— Mark: That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive
mother was arrested for marijuana possession.
— Donna: Oh snap!
— Jerry: What?
— Mark: You didn't know that, huh?
— Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted...
— Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves
catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I
accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay
— Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't
— Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
[cut to Leslie being interviewed]
— Leslie: Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire
bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy
who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a
guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.
Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep
he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my
mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.
— Ann: You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.
— Leslie: Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is
— Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.
— Leslie: How big is it?
— Ann: ...Really!?
— Leslie: Oh my God.
— Ann: Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if
everything goes wrong, you'll survive.
— Leslie: Well well well, you coy bastard.
— Leslie: Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I
nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at
a guys house late at night...
— April: Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on me
yet? Hello!! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's
video...That I took...On the internet!!
— Leslie: Hey can I smoke in here?
— Ron: You don't smoke.
— Leslie: Just asking if I can.
— Ron: Are you high?
— Leslie: I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.
— Ron: That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm
sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City
Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!
— Leslie: ...Ron I am so so so sorry!!
— Ron: What the ka-fuck were you thinking?
[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages]
— Leslie: [beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's
your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want
to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city
hall...or call me back. Just call me back!
[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer?
It's because of your lawyer.
[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I
don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus
now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall...
[beep] HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN!
[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must
go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall.
— Tom: Hmm that was weird.
— Leslie: How long have you been there!?
— Leslie: I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.
— Ann: Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on
the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man
who thinks like a gopher.
[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school]
— Leslie: Greg Pikitis.
— Greg: You're the parks lady right?
— Leslie: Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here
to tell you that this year, it ends.
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
— Leslie: Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He
absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the
statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've
never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond,
supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I
really feel like it's this kid!
[Cut back to Leslie and Greg]
— Leslie: Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a
cop. So don't even try it!
— Greg: I don't know what you're talking about.
— Leslie: Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day.
[Leslie starts walking away]
— Greg: Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great.
— Leslie: Thank you...Ends today!
— Ann: Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't
have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own
stomachs this year!!
— Leslie: Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg
Pikitis' house to the statue.
— Ann: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial
— Leslie: In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.
[At the statue of Mayor Percy]
— Leslie: Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero.
During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning
building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.
— Dave: Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?
— Leslie: [sigh] He wasn't Superman.
— Andy: He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?
— Leslie: No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just
— Andy: ...Yes.
— Leslie: You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.
— Dave: Don't do that.
— Leslie: Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.
— Dave: Don't use excessive force.
— Leslie: Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.
— Dave: Nope.
— Leslie: No, just stop him.
[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized]
— Leslie: PIKITIS!!
— Dave: We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been
— Leslie: It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?
— Dave: That doesn't mean anything to me.
— Leslie: This is a peach pit!
— Dave: Okay.
— Leslie: He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his
ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his
victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!!
— Dave: We don't have a lab...
— Dr. Harris: Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave.
— Ann: Oh, Okay.
— Dr. Harris: This isn't that fun.
— Ann: Didn't need to tell me that.
— April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much
fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out
with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.
— Greg: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
— Andy: Why don't you just shut up for a second!
— Leslie: What's going on in here?
— Andy: He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say
to a human being!
— Greg: Are you crying?
— Andy: I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!!
— Greg: Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night?
— Leslie: Because I followed you genius!!
— Greg: If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me!!
Knope! What is your problem!!?
— Leslie: Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!!!
[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house]
— Dave: Leslie! What are you doing?
— Leslie: Oh boy.
— Greg's Real Mom: That's them officer! Right there!
— Leslie: Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!
— Greg's Real Mom: Why are you doing this!?
— Leslie: It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on
this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the
— Greg's Real Mom: I'm Greg's Mom.
— Leslie: ...You are?
— Greg's Real Mom: Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of
— Leslie: What!?
— Greg's Real Mom: Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and
hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB!! Greg!
— Leslie: I knew it!!
— Dave: Oh my God!
— Andy: Dude! That kid is amazing!
[After catching Greg defacing the statue]
— Leslie: How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!
— Greg: Maybe the FBI can figure it out.
— Andy: Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!
— Greg: Wow. You're amazing.
— Leslie: Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.
— Dave: He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.
— Leslie: Well we'll let the jury decide.
— Dave: There's not going to be a jury...
— Leslie: Then the Judge will decide where he goes!
— Dave: He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...
— Leslie: Dave just let me have this!
— Leslie: News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.
— Tom: Punk ass book jockeys!
— Ann: Wait why do we hate the library?
— Leslie: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in
history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them
— Mark: The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
— Leslie: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates
her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?
— Tom: Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.
— Leslie: Am I? I am.
— Tom: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause
then there's more room for me on the low road.
— Leslie: Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch
of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of
shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shhhing.
— Ron: Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now.
That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in
— Leslie: I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can
use. Does she have any weaknesses?
— Ron: No.
— Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
— Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone
in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.
— Ron: On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side
so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last
time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love
what's the point of living?
— Leslie: Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.
— Tammy Two: You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.
— Leslie: Excuse me?
— Tammy Two: You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.
— Leslie: That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty
pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know
what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and
I'll see you in Hell!!
— Leslie: I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set
and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with
asthma to watch other kids play.
— Tammy Two: Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably
wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.
— Leslie: Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.
— Ron: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of
— Leslie: I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure.
Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.
— Ron: You slept with Brendanawicz?
— Leslie: ...No!
— Tammy Two: It's really good to see you Ron.
— Ron: You've aged horribly.
— Tammy Two: You...son of a bitch!
— Ron: That didn't take long.
— Tammy Two: Oh my God!! What is your problem?!! Nothing's changed has it!!?
— Ron: We didn't talk. We made love.
— Leslie: Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy—
— Ron: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers
began. You know what I mean?
— Leslie: Yeah...
— Ron: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that.
The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.
— Leslie: This seems like a private matter, but I'm—
— Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis.
— Ron: Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
— Leslie: ...
— Ron: I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really
— Leslie: I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?
— Ron: But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a
park or a museum or a mega-church.
— Leslie: ...Or a library.
— Ron: ...Nobody said library.
— Leslie: Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?
— Ron: No, I swear on...a grave.
— Leslie: Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?
— Ron: Not giving. We have discussed a trade.
— Leslie: For what!?
— Ron: [mumbles something]
— Leslie: Excuse me?
— Ron: ...More sex.
— Leslie: I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just
using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
— Tammy Two: Leslie that's crazy...and correct.
— Leslie: Why are you doing this?
— Tammy Two: Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women
who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are
women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor
Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
— Leslie: [being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra
over Eleanor Roosevelt!!!???
— Tammy Two: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you
could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department.
You should come join us sometime.
— Ron: You've gotta help me break up with her.
— Leslie: I don't think I should get involved in this.
— Ron: Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's
changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"
— Leslie: So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or
would you rather wait outside?
— Ron: In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.
— Leslie: Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye
contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted
plant. Can you do that?
— Leslie: So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end
— Tammy Two: Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?
— Ron: She volunteered.
— Tammy Two: Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to
do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself
around me like a coiled snake.
— Ron: I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.
— Leslie: God Ron, you have to!
— Tammy Two: Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we
have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is
— Leslie: No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.
— Tammy Two: Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating
you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and
— Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—
— Tom: You said "murinal!"
— Jerry: No, I didn't.
— Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.
— Jerry: Anyway, she—
— April: Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people
can murinate all over it?
— Tom: Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.
[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated]
— Jerry: ...Just wanted to show you my art...
— Everyone: Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!
— Leslie: Disqualified!
[cut to Jerry being interviewed]
— Jerry: It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the
— Tom: [from other room] No one cares! At all!
— Leslie: Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold
decision: we're playing it safe.
— Leslie: The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and
deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they
let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys
in the office.
— Tom: Not all the guys. He's never taken me.
— Leslie: Fine. All the men.
— Leslie: Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies to
be included on your hunting trip.
— Ron: Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie.
— Leslie: You're literally listening to turkey calls!
— Ron: Oh is this not rap?
— Ron: Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a
beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.
— Mark & Jerry: Here here!
— Leslie: And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find
the beast within.
[everyone except Ron cheers]
— Tom: Ron your toast sucked.
— Ann: Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together.
— Leslie: Oh Ann, I always forget since your so pretty you're not used to
— Leslie: Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?
— Ron: I was shot in the head with a shotgun!!
— Ann: Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay?
— Ron: Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry!!! I find that relaxes me!!!
— Ann: Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?
— Ron: When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is
— Leslie: Is that normal?
— Ann: Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it
for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?
— Ron: Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows
the empty bottle of scotch]
— Ann: No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge
right now okay?
— Ron: No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.
— Ann: Can you open his mouth Leslie?
— Leslie: What?
— Ann: Open his mouth!
— Leslie: Okay.
— Ron: I'm not making myself throw up.
— Ann: Ron you have to.
— Leslie: I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!
— Ron: I will bite you!!
— Ann: Grab his mustache!!
— Leslie: OPEN YOUR MOUTH!!
— Ron: AHHHHHHHH!!!!
— Tom: On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?
— Leslie: I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with
Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at
something they love.
— Leslie: Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they
shot Ron in the head.
— Tom: Maybe Ron shot himself.
— Leslie: Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.
— Mark: He was shot in the back of the head!
— Leslie: You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot
— Tom: It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.
— Jerry: You think someone is hunting us?
— Tom: Man is the most dangerous game.
— Donna: For the Predator!!
— Tom: I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.
— Leslie: That was pine trees.
— Donna: The predator can see heat.
— Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.
[After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron in the head, the Parks Ranger
thinks it all has to do with her being a woman]
— Park Ranger: So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire
field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
— Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter.
— Park Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?
— Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my
gun went off.
— Park Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.
— Leslie: Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I
saw a quail and I shot at it.
— Park Ranger: In mid-trip?
— Leslie: No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get.
That's what happened, end of story.
— Park Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the
excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?
— Leslie: [jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best
I just, I cared too much, I guess.
I was thinking with my lady-parts.
I was walking and I felt something icky.
I thought there was gonna be chocolate.
I don't even remember.
I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it
threw me off.
All I wanna do is have babies!.
Are you single?
I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.
I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.
This would not happen if I had a penis!
[While putting on lipstick] What?
Bitches be crazy.
I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.
— Ron: You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch
it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the
— Leslie: Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.
— Ron: Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's
restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.
— Leslie: Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you-
— Ron: Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did
— Ron: Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate
examined you could come by and shoot me in the head.
— Ron: [to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I
lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron.
— Tom: Dude Ron I'm so sorry.
— Ron: Apology not accepted moron.
— Leslie: The fourth floor is awful! The DMV, Divorce Filings, Probation
Offices ugh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up,
but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their
— Jerry: There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is
called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15
— Waiter: You ready to order?
— Donna: Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap.
— Leslie: I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please.
— Waiter: How do you want that cooked?
— Leslie: Medium Roar.
— Waiter: Medium rare?
— Leslie: No, medium roar.
— Waiter: For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the
temperature of the meats anymore.
— Ron: Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be
some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out
once the fake dust settles?
— Tom: Yeah. Why not? Sure.
— Ron: Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size
for me. I'm gonna take a leak.
— Tom: ...
— Ron: This seems like none of our business.
— Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a
guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."
— April: That was a really good Ron.
— Leslie: Thank you.
— Bill Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new
scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it
the nurse who delivered our love child?
— Leslie: What?
— Bill Dexhart: Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got
the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex with
not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose husband
was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? Was it
the liver lady?
— Leslie: Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever.
In my whole life.
— Bill Dexhart: Oh!
— Leslie: Believe me I would have remembered this.
— Bill Dexhart: Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was
just a funny prank.
— Ron: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation
didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.
— April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
— Ron: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't
have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.
— Ann: What is your ideal man?
— Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.
— Tom: Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His
name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!
— Jean-Ralphio: Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor
to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly,
— Ron: Uh, take a seat.
— Jean-Ralphio: Right, here we go.
— Ron: So Jean-Ralphio...
— Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.
— Ron: Why do I want you as my assistant?
— Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just
for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your
family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there
tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have
— Tom: I think our only question is when can you start?
— Jean-Ralphio: Right now. Let's do it.
— Ron: Thank you for coming in. We will talk.
— Jean-Ralphio: Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me
up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?
— Tom: Take care, buddy.
— Jean-Ralphio: Boom.
— Tom: So what do you think of your new assistant?
— Ron: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.
— Applicant: Sorry what do I get out of this?
— Tom: Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee.
— Applicant: I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?
— Tom: I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich,
"it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."
— Tom: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town
are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's
going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.
— Ann: This newspaper's from November 1986.
— Leslie: The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.
— Ann: I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from
[Watching the NutriYums Ad]
— Leslie: Wow that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they're all
— Tom: Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving
a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...
— Andy: [immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it.
Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.
— April: I'll go, too.
— Tom: Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape
of your grandparents.
— April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not?
— Tom: Alright. See you guys later.
— Andy: I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make
— Tom: Can't believe these things are healthy.
— Andy: It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.
— Donna: No they're not.
— Andy: Yeah they actually have rice in them so...
— Donna: Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.
— Ann: Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee
is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just
husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em.
[Leslie and Ann are at the library]
— Leslie: I hate it here, this place is evil.
— Ann: I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label.
— Leslie: Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something interesting.
Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out
— Ann: They have sensors! Just check them out it's free.
[They walk up to the front desk]
— Leslie: Hi Marcy.
— Marcy: Leslie!! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh
I guess not! It's a movie.
— Leslie: Your pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the
— Marcy: ...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called
MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.
— Leslie: NO I DON'T!
— Marcy: Yeah. You do.
— Leslie: ...Ann grab the movies!!! GO! GO! GO! GO!
[Leslie makes a huge mess as she and Ann run away]
— Leslie: PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!!
— Ron: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you
want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43,
you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
[After Ann's presentation at the public forum]
— Ann: Any questions?
— Man #1: If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?
— Ann: Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes?
— Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and
muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.
— Ann: Right. [turns to someone else]
— Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit.
Syrup comes from a bush.
— Ann: Oh boy. [turns to someone else]
— Man #3: How do we know you're really a nurse?
— Ann: I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's.
— Man #3: Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number
so he can have it.
— Ann: Yeah that's not gonna happen.
— Man #3: Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.
— Ann: Oh my God. No!
— Man #4: I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and mayonnaise
— Ann: That's not a good idea.
— Man #4: Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant]
— Ann: [to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week.
— Leslie: I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than
— Leslie: Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't
you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their
bodies? Right everybody?
— Random Citizen: Is Shoelace here!!?? Where's Shoelace!!?
— Nick Newport Jr.: Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice
lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver?
— Denver: Everybody! Check under your seats!
[Everyone finds free Sweetums stuff under their seats and starts cheering]
— Leslie: Denver you little son of a bitch.
— Leslie: It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these
seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense,
but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to
April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and
Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.
— Jerry: I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle
— Leslie: Whatever.
— Wendy: Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you
did for me, but I only see us as friends.
— Tom: For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we
— Leslie: They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.
— Ron: What's going on?
— April: You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.
— Ron: ...Well it's about time.
— Andy: You're like an angel with no wings.
— April: So like a person...
— Leslie: I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake.
— Ron: [sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a
— Leslie: I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give
that award to women.
— Ron: Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter.
— Leslie: Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project.
— Ron: Ah yes Camp Xena.
— Leslie: Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name.
— Ron: Well I almost got it. I was pretty close.
— Leslie: No.
— Leslie: How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take
care of that did you?
— Ron: Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.
— Leslie: That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.
— Ron: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won
— Leslie: Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and
miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for
her achievements. What do you have Ron!?
— Ron: I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in
— Leslie: Dorothy Everton Smyth!! I swear to God...
— Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.
— Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.
— Tom: Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?
— Jerry: Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife.
— Tom: Jerry get out.
— Elise Yarktin: The media has all but written us off as a niche interest
group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as
yourself well then eventually people take notice.
— Ron: I don't want the damn thing.
— Elise Yarktin: Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take
it...like a man. So congratulations!
[cut to Leslie being interviewed]
— Leslie: The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the
kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists
like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?
— Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna.
Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I
definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right
here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the
club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura
Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?
— Donna: I'm out.
— Tom: Why?!
— Donna: I hate that guy.
— Elise Yarktin: Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.
— Leslie: Ugh get over yourself Elise.
— Ron: Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.
— Leslie: Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole
of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks
department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on
the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school
— Leslie: Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.
— Eugene: We'll get to it first thing Monday.
— Leslie: Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.
— Andy: We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.
— Leslie: Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my
— Eugene: That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.
[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background]
— Tom: Isn't that them there?
— Eugene: Nope.
— Tom: Yo Brett!
— Brett: Yo!
— Harris: Dude!
— Leslie: Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you
rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?
— Eugene: Okay!
— Ron: Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.
— Mark: Thank you.
— Ron: You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.
— Mark: Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.
— Ron: Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.
— Mark: There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got
hazardous chemicals over here.
— Ron: Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the
right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his
— Mark: There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning
— Ron: Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is
totally up to your precious code.
— Mark: Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.
— Ron: Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the
government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch
[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out]
— Ron: Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?
— Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation,
you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy.
— Tom: So you weren't thinking.
— Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
— Evelyn: What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?
— Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught
is, in fact, Fairway Frank.
— Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead,
the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.
— Leslie: ...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?
— Evelyn: No!
— Leslie: No.
— Evelyn: He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the
urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it
— Leslie: Ew.
[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]
— Tom: This thing is a mess.
— Carl: WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO
THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE
EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.
— Tom: What’s this one?
— Carl: THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.
— Leslie: Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?
— Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.
[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]
— Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do
for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?
— Joan Callamezzo: That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that
again!! This is Pawnee Fucking Today!!! Do you know that I bumped a cat that
can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my
— Leslie: Yes ma'am.
— Leslie: Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson.
Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should
just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.
— David: I thought you were dead, Clarence.
— Clarence: No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your
— David: Screw you, you old coot.
— Michael: Classic David. You're worse than Ron.
— Ron: Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.
— Leslie: OK great, let's go!
— Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?
— April: The super old one.
— Andy: Really?
— April: Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew
his eyebrows off.
— Ron: Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!
— Leslie: I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City
Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to
alter a gazebo!
— April: Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire
and create a diversion!
— Ron: So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.
— Ann: I don't even work in this building.
— Ron: Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.
— Jerry: [walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?
— Ron: No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.
— Citizen: Your department banned me from attending games just because I
yell "You Suck" at the players.
— Ron: According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.
— Citizen: WHO SUCK!!! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!?!
— Citizen: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
— April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.
— Citizen: Oh.
— April: I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have
this meeting with you.
— Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red
— April: Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
— Woman: Tell me about it.
— April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go
right to the commissioner on this one.
— Woman: You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great
— April: Yeah?
— Woman: I'm gonna do that.
— April: OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
— Woman: Good luck there!
— April: My thoughts exactly!
[Cut to April being interviewed]
— April: I have no idea what I was saying.
— Ron: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from
Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
— Man: I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car
— April: Sorry he's busy right now.
[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office]
— Man: Oh Uh...well can I reschedule?
— April: Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?
— Man: Sorry?
— April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
— Man: What is going on?
— April: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth.
Does that work sir?
[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without
answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval]
— Leslie: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access
station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because
Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and
certain parts of the Mall of America.
— Ron: I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big
on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man
to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.
— Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with
— Leslie: Why, is something wrong?
— Mark: No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
— Leslie: [gasps]
— Mark: I love her and I want a partner and....
— Leslie: [interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you
should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon
and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up
on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."
— Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
— Leslie: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they
have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
— Mark: So you think I should do it though?
— Leslie: Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get
— Mark: Leslie...
— Leslie: No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.
— Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise,
supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being
who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.
— Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days
just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it
was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over
— Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt
like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to
propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took
a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...
— Ron: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the
city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.
— Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists
who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.
— Lucy: My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and
communists. He hated both.
— Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's
a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories
include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property
rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a
— Ann: So are you happy to be back at work?
— Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy
fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally
can't buy [bleep].
— April: I want another nurse.
— Ann: Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.
— April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right?
— Ann: Yep. nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
— April: Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty.
— Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick.
— Leslie: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in
— Jerry: No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all
— Leslie: You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time!! What's your
excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?
— Jerry: ...No.
— Leslie: I'm not sick I just have allergies okay! I took a claritin and I
threw that up. So I took another one and I threw that up. And then I took a
third and it stayed down! I'm getting better.
— Ben: Who's your doctor?
— Leslie: Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world.
— Chris: Stop...POOPING.
— Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you
could have…network connectivity problems.
— Ann: 104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you.
— Leslie: [flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this.
[she just sits there and does nothing]
— Ann: ...What are you doing?
— Leslie: [flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them?
— Ann: No.
— Leslie: [flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't
have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.
— Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it!
[exasperated] My body is a microchip...
— Andy: They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy last
— Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado."
— Ann: What are you doing?
— Leslie: Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent
better. Good as new.
[Leslie puts her pants around her neck like a scarf]
— Leslie: Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also
don't wanna look too schlubby.
— Ann: Get back in that bed.
— Leslie: So no to the scarf?
— Ann: Get back in the bed
— Leslie: No, I'm going to that meeting!
— Ann: Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done it
before, don't test me!!
[Leslie reluctantly climbs back into bed]
— Ron: I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this
department...and that includes the men.
— Ann: Hey have you seen Leslie?
— Chris: [deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my
flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in
— Ann: ...The door?
[After Leslie escapes the hospital to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting]
— Leslie: Ben Wyatt! Hello!
— Ben: Uhh hi Leslie...
— Leslie: Good to see you!
— Ben: You too...
[They shake hands]
— Ben: Wow you're really burning up.
— Leslie: Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please?
— Ben: Sure, how much?
— Leslie: I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian
hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate?
— Ben: ...
— Leslie: So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful.
— Ben: What?
— Leslie: The floor and the wall just switched.
— Ben: ...Okay.
— Leslie: Walk very carefully.
— Leslie: Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening
everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline.
— Ben: Okay I wouldn't open with that.
— Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA
Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off
of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope.
— Business Owner: Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used
— Leslie: That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own
question which is: why is half of your face all swirly?
— Ben: Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting
right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards
— Leslie: Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap!
— Ben: Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage]
— Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital.
— Leslie: [In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here?
Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send
it post hence?
— Tom: ...
— Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The
Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome
German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked.
"Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese
Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town
was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee:
It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a
lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous
Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our
current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."
— Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies,
sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone
with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell
you that much.
— Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm
doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.
[Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing
off her thong.]
— Leslie: [gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail!
— Ron: Hello Tammy.
— Tammy Two: Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking
myself for scoliosis.
— Ron: And?
— Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky?
[Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively]
— Ron: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I
have never checked a book out of the library.
[Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky]
— Leslie: Oh my God she's amazing...
— Ron: [chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior
would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy.
— Tammy Two: A relationship!? With whom!?
— Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
— Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore.
— Leslie: Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk
— Andy: Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best
— Leslie: Nice.
— Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
— Tom: Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
— Leslie: Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas.
— Ben: Okay. How about some calzones?
— Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb
and so was that idea.
— Ben: Seriously?
— Tom: This is embarrassing for you.
— Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative,
psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.
— Ron: Can we turn the radio off? This is our song.
— Ben: Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look
at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.
— Ron: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction.
— Ben: Ugh!
— Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing,
corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this
message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I
love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother,
Levandrious, who I hate!
[Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two
— Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means
that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably
thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking
that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and
lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy.
Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.
— Ron: Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In
fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our
— Jerry: Wow! Where ya going?
— Leslie: Jerry!
— Ron: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
— Tammy Two: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts
— Leslie: Oh God!
[After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth]
— Ron: Tammy! That's enough!
— Tammy Two: Hey Baby!
— Ron: You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic,
defenseless little man...
— Tom: Hey!
— Ron: ..reminded me what kind of monster you are.
— Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the
way, last night I faked four out of the seven.
— Ron: [Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son.
[Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out]
— The Douche: Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom
Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming
event called the Harvest Festival.
— Leslie: Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun
meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in
Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever.
— Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche?
— The Douche: Oh, that's right - to your mom!
[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean
— Leslie: There's also going to be hay rides.
— The Douche: "Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said.
[China Joe plays more moaning sounds]
— Tom: China Joe, you are a poet!
— April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's
grandmother." I said grandfather.
— Andy: Oh, oops. OK.
— April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I
can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It
was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.
— Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?
— Ron: I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home
to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I
have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.
[starts going through the album]
June 2004. Porterhouse, medium-rare, Bearnaise sauce.
January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer."
February '96. The steak: Rib-Eye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to
me: a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy.
Okay. This is, the first time I ever went there. Oh look at me! I'm just a kid!
— Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me.
— Leslie: What!? That lying bastard!! Wait, how do you know?
— Ann: I don't actually have any actual proof.
— Leslie: Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a
monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will
— Leslie: Well he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high
school they used to call me Angela Lansbury...but that was because of my
[After the group finds Mulligan's shut down by the Health Department]
— Ron: They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I
should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they
closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten?
— April: I can get free drinks anytime I want.
— Andy: How?
— April: Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to
— Guy: Hey.
— April: I hate drinking alone.
— Guy: Can I get you a drink?
— April: Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey.
— Guy: What's your name?
— April: Oprah!
— Guy: I'm Kevin.
— April: Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone.
— Guy: But-
— April: I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye!
[turns back to Andy]
— April: Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot.
— Leslie: So Chris do you have any sisters?
— Chris: No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters?
— Leslie: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting?
— Chris: No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting?
— Leslie: Any aunts?
— Chris: Nope. You have aunts?
— Leslie: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps?
— Chris: Nope.
— Ron: Did you forget how to have a conversation?
— Leslie: So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time?
— Chris: Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up on
— Leslie: Oh that's what you call it?
— Chris: Sorry?
— Leslie: How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann?
She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder
— Tom: Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking.
— Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were
— Tom: SHUT UP YOU NERD!!
— Ben: I get it. Okay.
— Ron: [lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!!
— Leslie: Ron!?
— Ron: What in the Devil's name is this!!??
— Chris: Portobello Mushrooms!
— Ron: Where's the steak!!??
— Chris: Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically
— Ron: ...[starts to faint]
[April puts on a Snakehole shirt and pretends to be a waitress]
— April: Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve.
— Bartender: Do you work here?
— April: Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.
— Andy: This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club
and give to ourselves.
— Leslie: Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never
been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with
her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does
kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.
— Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and
broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I
tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he
left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while,
and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One
guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't
always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine
and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything.
Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
— Ann Who's Rebecca?
— Leslie: Exactly.
— Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm
worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I
said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?
— Leslie: I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're
amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially
ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and
gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!
[Everyone freaks out with excitement]
— Ron: Well done Leslie! Well done!!
[Cut to leslie being interviewed]
— Leslie: Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987
and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the
number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!
[Cut back to the office]
— Ben: So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?
— Tom: He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.
— Ben: Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?
— Ron: Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.
— Leslie: We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is
25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's
going to look after him.
— Jerry: Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my
Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?
— Leslie: Isn't it amazing!
— Ben: Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.
— Everyone: ...
— Leslie: Get out!
— Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love
Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses.
— Donna: Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man?
— Ann: Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even
realize he did it.
— Donna: I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing
— Ann: Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I
was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some
dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did
this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out
kind of stuff.
— Donna: Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm
going to recommend you bottle that noise up.
— Ann: ...That's what my mailman said.
— April: Hey, I love you.
— Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!
— Beefy Dude: I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.
— Ann: You're not sick.
— Beefy Dude: Maybe you should check out my abs.
— Ann: Are you experiencing abdominal pain?
— Beefy Dude: Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel.
— Ann: Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh.
— Beefy Dude: What are you doing tonight?
— Ann: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
— Beefy Dude: Your loss.
[Ann walks over by Donna]
— Donna: Are you gonna hit that?
— Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material.
— Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him.
— Jerry: [referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long,
they're probably dead.
— Tom: Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.
— Jerry: For the last time--
— April: Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.
— Andy: Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?
— April: Ron, can you tell Andy--
— Ron: Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I
love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows
you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that
you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l
Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?
— Andy: [to April] I do love you, you know.
— April: You do?
— Andy: Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.
— Beefy Dude: It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses
are total grenades.
— Ann: Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here and
make out with me until the lights come back on.
— Beefy Dude: Hell yeah!
— Ann: Beat it Donna.
[Donna smiles and walks out]
— Ron: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some
fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill
— Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it
would inspire me.
— Ann: [reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That
— Leslie: It was.
— Chris: Hey gang!
— Leslie: Hey, what did you bring?
— Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much
as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your
spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
— Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake?
— Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
— Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone
— Leslie: Take a walk, Ron.
— Andy: Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me
the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over
there, uh, hence.
— Ron: What?
— Andy: Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes.
[Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at]
— Ann: Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are
horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What?
— Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are
no friends here! It's every woman for herself.
— Ann: ...You're joking right?
— Donna: Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a
man, I don't get that man.
— Ann: I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in
— Donna: Here's some more advice. Beat it!
— Ron: Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and you
roll the dice. It's all anybody can do.
— Ann: Hi, I'm Ann.
— Ryan: Ryan.
— Ann: What's your occupation?
— Ryan: I'm a manager at a sporting goods store.
— Ann: No way me too!
— Ryan: Seriously!? Which one?
— Ann: No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you.
— Ryan: ...What are you drinking?
— Ann: Hahahaha yeah...
— Ryan: What?
— Ann: Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you.
— Ryan: So you just laughed and said "yeah?"
— Ann: Yeah...
[Donna cuts in]
— Donna: Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my
life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell?
— Ann: I told you, I'm Rusty!
— Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.
— Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
— Tom: Sure.
— Jean-Ralphio: OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke.
Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
— Tom: Swingers or Crashers?
— Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from
Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of
— Natalie: [Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But
Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone
has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks.
[Walks off stage]
— Ann: [Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe.
— Donna: That went better, right!?
— Ann: Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes...
— Ann: I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting
— Donna: So?
— Ann: So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long
— Donna: [Sarcastically] Alright...
— Ann: What!?
— Donna: "What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor.
— Ann: I'm a nurse actually...
— Donna: Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your
attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you
didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking
at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself?
— Ann: ...Alright.
— Ron: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and
then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not
stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.
— Tom: Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes.
— Leslie: What? Oh boy.
[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe]
— Leslie: Hi Joe.
— Sewage Joe: What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say?
Van's out back, let's roll.
— Leslie: Where is this coming from!?
— Sewage Joe: I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving
me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down
to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.
— Leslie: Great. Okay.
[Leslie turns around to leave]
— Sewage Joe: Liking the view.
[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away]
— Sewage Joe: Still got it Joe.
— Leslie: No you don't!
— Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger?
— Ron: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then
[Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile]
— Leslie: Yellow haired female likes waffles and news.
— Ann: [typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life.
— Leslie: Much better.
— Ann: Hobbies?
— Leslie: Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming
on my planner!
— Ann: Favorite place?
— Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a
bench in front of it.
— Ann: ...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the
— Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.
— Ann: What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are?
— Leslie: Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural!
— Ann: Okay what do you think of dogs?
— Leslie: Love!
— Ann: Cats?
— Leslie: Love!
— Ann: Fish?
— Leslie: Love!
— Ann: Turtles?
— Leslie: ...No opinion.
— Ann: ...
— Leslie: They're condescending.
— Ann: Describe your ideal man.
— Leslie: He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ.
— Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.
— Leslie: Mmmmm.
— Craig: [on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I
— Leslie: Craig your service is crap!!
— Craig: Can you be more specific?
— Leslie: Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like
him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a
little sister to me.
— Craig: We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands
of couples. I actually met my wife on the site.
— Leslie: Really? Well that's not gonna last.
— Craig: Excuse me?
— Leslie: You heard me! Your marriage is a sham!! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up]
— Leslie: Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I
talk to you for a second?
— Sewage Joe: You can do anything to me for any number of seconds.
— Leslie: Hmmm.
— Sewage Joe: Would you like to talk outside in my van?
— Leslie: No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I
was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman?
— Sewage Joe: She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair.
— Leslie: So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old
— Sewage Joe: Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.
— Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite
— Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what
I call it?
— Chris: Skittle Sandwich?
— Andy: ...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's
nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in
— Tom: 'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call
sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool
blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol'
cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick.
Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch.
I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas
are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.
— Grain n' Simple Employee: Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100%
— Ron: Yes please.
[Employee hands him a piece and Ron throws it in the trash]
— Grain n' Simple Employee: ...
— Ron: Another please.
[Employee hands him another piece and Ron throws it in the trash]
— Grain n' Simple Employee: Sir is there a problem?
— Ron: I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.
— Grain n' Simple Employee: I...I don't think I can give you anymore.
— April: I want one.
[Employee hands her a piece and April throws it in the trash]
— Ron: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of
— Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and
you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are.
— Tom: Okay.
— Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks.
— Tom: One.
— Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt.
— Tom: One.
— Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec...
— Tom: [Interrupting] One.
— Leslie: That’s what you do.
— Tom: One.
— Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college.
— Tom: [Smiling] Eight.
— Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History.
— Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please.
— Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger
Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey,
toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and
microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!
— Tom: This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.
— Donna: What is this in here? Saffron?
— Chris: Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!
— Kyle: I love the umami flavor.
— Jerry: Stop being so pretentious Kyle!
— Kyle: Sorry.
— Ron: Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with
nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.
— Chris: Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have
a real challenge.
— Tom: Never mind this is better!
— Donna: Way better!
— Jerry: Mmmmm Mmmhmm!
— Andy: ...Kyle?
— Kyle: ...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.
— Andy: Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so
much better it's crazy!
— Ron: Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.
— Chris: I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years.
Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one
of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve
horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.
— Everyone: Yay!!!
— Ron: OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature.
This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People
did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over they'll be
hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is
beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature
when they can just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not
misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art
and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.
— Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: topless
Leslie glued to a horse!
— Leslie: That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art
contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless
you want an arrow in your ass Marcia.
— Andy: Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep?
— Ben: Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed.
I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee?
— Andy: Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right?
— Ben: No. Do you know what cute means?
— Brandi Maxxxx: I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I
do is obviously art.
— Leslie: Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of
a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.
— Brandi Maxxxx: It's okay Leslie, I got this one.
— Leslie: What!?
— Brandi Maxxxx: What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able
to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's girl
on girl action, bondage or what have you!
— Leslie: Okay hang on...
— Leslie: Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice
Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see
— Perd Hapley: Brandi, how would you define pornography?
— Brandi Maxxxx: For me, it's when the penis goes in.
— Marcia: So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it privately
and I put the footage on my blog...
— Leslie: You've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important
to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it
home and we'll keep it there. What do you say?
— Marcia: I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell.
[Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated?
— Leslie: I don't...I don't know...
— Marcia: No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can
load it in the back.
— Leslie: No!
[Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it]
— Marcia: Hey! Come back here!
— Leslie: Make me stag!! I am Diaphena!!!
— Andy: Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting
board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that
marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when
you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.
— April: [deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.
— Leslie: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it
redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone
calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a
well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is
— Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially
don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information
about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark
to sell cards.
— April: Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?
— Ron: What?
— April: Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?
— Ron: There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a
— April: Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?
[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]
— Ann: Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons
with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!!
— Ron: Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
— Ann: These were for a sick child at the hospital!!
[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on
— Ron: ...Ah. My office now.
— Ann: I don't work for you!
— Ron: Don't care.
— Ron: I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?
— Ann: Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday!
— Ron: Shut your damn mouth.
— Ann: This is a fun conversation.
— Chris: You want me to do what now?
— Ron: Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or
something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.
— Chris: I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?
— Ron: No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.
— Chris: Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.
— Ron: [Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.
— Chris: Hey!! Happy Birthday!! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]
[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face]
— Leslie: You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever rich
people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a
— Lindsay: No Leslie, I'm not.
— Leslie: Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the
legendary JJ's Diner?
— Lindsay: It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives!
— Leslie: Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop.
— Lindsay: [feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you
— Leslie: HOW DARE YOU!?
[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her]
— Leslie: I will never apologize to her.
— Lindsay: Nor I her.
— Leslie: [In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a
stupid fart face.
— Lindsay: Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you?
— Leslie: Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!?
— Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching
Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants.
— Ann: First of all, this color looks amazing on you.
— Leslie: Thank you.
— Ann:Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a
rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you
turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word
and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat.
— Leslie: [deeply touched] Thank You.
— Lindsay: What's going on here?
— Leslie: Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an idea
that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to bash
your head in with a baseball bat.
[View of Ann smiling and waving]
[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]
— Ron: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
— Leslie: ...I did. I broke it.
— Ron: No. No you didn't. Tom?
— Tom: Don't look at me. Look at Ben.
— Ben: What?! I didn't break it.
— Tom: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
— Ben: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
— Tom: Suspicious.
— Ben: No it's not!
— Jerry: If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.
— April: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
— Jerry: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
— April: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows
— Leslie: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.
— Ron: No! Who broke it!?
— Ben: Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.
— Donna: REALLY?!
[Everyone starts arguing]
— Ron: [being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I
predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on
their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy
— Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis
Cooper was fired today.
— Ben: Why?
— Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an
affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city
hall. I'm sure you've seen them.
— Ben & Leslie: Oh yeah.
[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs]
— Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee
"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."
"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia."
"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please.
Brought to you by the Health Department."
"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville."
— Andy: Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?
— April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret.
Who are you?
— Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I
was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now
I work alone.
— April: Lovely to meet you.
— Andy: I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.
— April: [slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!!? [walks away]
— Andy: ...Nice.
— Ron: Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with
people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You
should buy it.
— Bar Patron: Yeah okay, thanks man.
— Ron: Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee.
[hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now.
— Tom: Traegermeister!! You made it!
— Chris: Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.
— Tom: First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70%
alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.
— Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.
— Ann: No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're
going too slow with Ben!
— Leslie: No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!
— Ann: No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting
on your feelings!
— Leslie: No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in
— Ann: Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!
— The Douche: Mmm-hmm!
— Ben: Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.
— Leslie: Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with
me? Go get me another snork juice.
— Ben: Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.
— Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!
— Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!
— Leslie: Dance up on me!
— Jean-Ralphio: Yes, yes, yes!
— Andy: You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do.
— Ben: ...that explains the outift.
— Andy: Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and
sex is forbidden because she works for you.
— Ben: ...That is our actual situation.
— Andy: And she's addicted to spanking.
— Ben: Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.
[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom]
— Leslie: If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! He's
fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.
— Ann: You talked to Chris before you talked to me?!
[A girl walks between them]
— Leslie: EXCUSE ME!
[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]
— Leslie: This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe
that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a
watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean.
All I need to do is focus, and stay calm.
[Cut back to Leslie and Ann]
— Leslie: You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid!! [Runs into the
— Ann: UGH!!
— Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.
[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]
— Leslie: You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and
then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!!
[cuts to a drunk Tom]
— Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's
[cuts to a drunk Ann]
— Ann: I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna
tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.
[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]
— Ben: Baba booey.
[cuts to a drunk Andy]
— Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and
stuff... macaroni salad...
[cuts to a drunk April]
— April: [rapidly speaks Spanish]
[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake
[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]
[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz]
— Ron: Is this everybody?
— Donna: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright,
where to first?
— Leslie: Your mother's butt!
— Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone...
— Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all
— Chris: There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room]
Ben, is there something we can do?!
— Chris: Damn it, Ben's not here...
— Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health
— Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we
— Ben: I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning.
— Leslie: Really?
— Ben: No, I threw up in the shower.
[Ben and Leslie are interviewing people]
— Ben: Thank you, we'll let you know.
[Interviewee walks out]
— Ben: And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh]
— Ben: You're wearing snow pants...
— Ann: I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding...
[View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight]
[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position]
— Leslie: You came!
— Ann: Yeah I had some encouragement.
— Ben: Your sweater's on inside-out.
— Ann: And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame.
Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.
— Leslie: Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of
candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass.
— Ann: This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved
like a total jackass.
— Leslie: Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.
— Ann: Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first,
I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.
— Leslie: Would you mind if I joined you?
— Ann: Not at all! Shall we?
— Ron: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet
that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.
— Leslie: I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean?
I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I
like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...
[after her and Ben's first kiss]
— Leslie: Uh-oh.
[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]
— Leslie: Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new
part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!!
— Ann: Leslie this is so nice!
— April: [popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these
balloons so if any of them pops you may die.
— Andy: [popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses
fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera]
— Leslie: We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First
Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon
sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.
— Tom: [popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!!
— Ann: How many of you are in here!?
— Leslie: There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and
he's kind of a grouch.
— Ann: I have an office mate?
— Stuart: [popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of
— Ann: ...Hi I'm Ann.
[Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann]
— Leslie: Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!!
— Stuart: It's my office too-
— Leslie: Stuart!
[Stuart awkwardly walks out]
— Leslie: Wow that guy was rude.
— Chris: I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this
department's potential. Jerry.
— Jerry: Mmm?
— Chris: I believe that you are capable of so much more.
— Jerry: I'm Not.
— Chris: Nonsense. Look in the mirror!
— Jerry: Huh?
— Chris: You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm
making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday
— Ron: Excellent idea.
— Chris: April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now
on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.
— April: Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up!
— Leslie: Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a
meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and
I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot.
— Ben: Okay.
— Leslie: Go!
— Ben: Hello-
— Leslie: Wrong.
— Ben: What?
— Leslie: No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking.
— Ben: ...Id like to discuss the school bus-
— Leslie: I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be
sitting by now.
— Ben: What?
— Leslie: Just walk in and take a seat.
— Ben: Um...
— Leslie: "Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And
now you've crossed your legs like a woman.
— Ben: God! Okay should we just start over?
— Leslie: No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's
top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel
Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.
— Ben: "Deliverance," the movie?
— Leslie: Mmmhmmm.
— Ben: Oh God.
— Donna: This ain't gonna work.
[Ron swivels away from Donna]
— Donna: Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.
[Ron swivels back]
— Donna: This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy!! I'm down to one word
a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships.
— Ron: Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups
always peter out. We just have to wait.
— Donna: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million
dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office
and have a word with him.
— Sobbing Woman: There's nothing left. It's over!
— Chris: Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together
and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.
— Sobbing Woman: [deeply touched] Thank you!
[she walks away]
— Tom: Who was that?
— Chris: I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.
— Chris: Ron Swanson!
— Ron: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it
might ruin the entire department.
— Chris: Now wait a minute...
— Ron: I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my
department has to go back to the way it was.
— Chris: Give them time. They'll adjust.
— Ron: No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's
someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And
you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And
Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he
shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.
— Chris: That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.
— Andy: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can
of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.
— Leslie: How did you find out?
— Ron: We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you
pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
[Ron holds up his phone]
— Leslie: [over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
— Ben: [over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again.
— Leslie: [over phone] OK, lay down...
[Ron puts his phone away]
— Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
— Ron: Unfortunately not.
— Ben: Ugh.
— Ron: This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you
CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him.
— Leslie: Ron, we're being very careful.
[Ron holds up his phone]
— Leslie: [over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
— Ben: [over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let
me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship.
— Leslie: OK, yes...
— Leslie: [over phone] Oh no!
— Leslie: ...You've proven your point.
— Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home.
— Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
— Tammy Two: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
— Donna: Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
— Ron: No kidding, Donna.
— Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife.
— Ron: ...Tammy One?
— Donna: She's in your office.
[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
— Tammy Two: Oh Shit! [runs away in fear]
— Chris: What's the point of doing 10,000 push-ups a week if you have no one
to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a lovely woman...
sitting on my back to increase my resistance.
— Ron: I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a
bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed.
— Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I
thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l
Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!
— Leslie: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the
proceeds will go towards L'il Sebastian's favorite charity...The Afghan
Institute of Learning...
— Andy: [Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the
[Cut to Andy about to perform at the memorial]
— Andy: This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind"
[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]
— Ron: Knope, follow me.
— Leslie: Just one second.
— Ron: NOW.
[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]
— Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going
— Ron: My ex-wife is back.
[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]
— Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
— Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.
— Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of
them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.
[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and
retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]
— Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it,
or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.
[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]
— Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just
said about this situation.
— Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever seen.
I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted
by the largest penis I have ever seen.
— Ron: Hello Tammy.
— Tammy One: Ronald.
— Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want?
— Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust?
— Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives.
— Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald.
— Ron: I don't care.
— Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling?
— Ron: ...
— Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for
all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep...
— Ron: I don't need your help.
— Tammy One: Wrong. You do. As your so fond of saying, "It's a Free County."
Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail.
— Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron.
Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail.
— Ron: Are you broken?
— Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy.
My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.
— Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist?
— Model: I guess. I don't really know.
— Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you?
— Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical.
— Ben: ...
[cut to Ben being interviewd]
— Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence!
[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent]
— Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am
Leslie Knope, Deputy-
— Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while
[Leslie awkwardly sits down]
— Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald!
This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work.
We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your
accounts. And your home.
— Ron: ...Is that necessary?
— Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?
— Everyone: ...
— Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name?
— Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...
— Tammy One: Really?
— Andy: No...Andy Dwyer.
— Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to
put it in my car. Ms. Knope!
— Leslie: Yes!?
— Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's
workplace expense reports.
— Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because
Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle
royale. It's super fun-
— Tammy One Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will
remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in
— Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.
— Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger.
— Leslie: Yes ma'am...
[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]
— Ron: Good morning everyone!
— Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron]
Ron!! Your mustache fell off!!
— Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked
better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is
— Leslie: What?
— Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?
— Jerry: ...What?
— Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one?
— Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she
converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.
— Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?
— Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.
— Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not
quite sure how to phrase them.
— Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between
you and me. Right my love?
— Tammy One: Stop fidgeting.
— Ron: Sorry.
— Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.
— Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.
— Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.
— Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and
you need to go.
— Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?
— Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands!
[Ron gets up and leaves]
— Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
— Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I
want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future
was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
— Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
— Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla,
we need Mothra. No offense.
— Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy]
Who's this tall drink of water?
— Andy: Andy...
— Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging?
— Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move
your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?
— Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch
is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.
— April: Eww!
— Andy: Could we take a peek at it?
— Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can
pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of
— Leslie Oh my God!
— Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron.
— April: Andy...
— Leslie: Don't joke around.
— Andy: I...have ideas too...
[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom]
— Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!!
— Leslie: Why do you have so many guns?
— Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it?
— Leslie: Yes...
— Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing
on my own property! Let's go!
— April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.
— Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this.
— Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
— April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
— Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever
grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed
— Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to
the farm for good.
— Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!
— Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty.
— Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if
I win, Ron stays here with us.
— Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
— Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!
[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]
— Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough?
— Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!
— Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...
— Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this.
— Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy.
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
— Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!
— Ron: She's had enough. Call it off.
— Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out.
— April: Wait, I'm subbing in.
— Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
— April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it.
[April takes a swig of the liquor]
— April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!
— Ron: Okay! This ends now!
[Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement]
— Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're
going back to Hell.
— Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground
safe. I stole half your gold.
— Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe
buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.
— Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be
there the minute you die.
[Tammy One Walks Out]
— Leslie: Ron...your family's weird...
— Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts." I'm Derry Murbles,
filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration
patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since.
— Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote it
as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it
a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we
removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and
here it is!
— Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of
words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?
— Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one?
— Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like you
— April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life.
— Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to
tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.
— Joan: In what way?
— Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.
— Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
— Leslie: Pawnee!!
— Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!
[music starts and dancers come out]
— Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!!
— Ann I could leave. I could but I'm not going to. I'm will get my one
minute of small talk dammit!! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE.
— Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to
know the truth about where you were born.
— Leslie: Okay. Well-
— Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many
of you were actually born in Pawnee?
[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand]
— Chris: ..Fair enough.
— Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here.
— Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?
— Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me-
— Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you
— Leslie: I am back from where I came from!!
— Man: That sentence was confusing!!! You might as well be from China!!!
— Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should
— Ben: ...That never happened.
— Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's
the luckiest man in the world?
— Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing.
— Tom: Oh...
— Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual
appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.
— Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor...
— Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other
things... if you know what I mean.
— Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina?
— Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to April]
— Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if
you could recommend anything.
— April: ...The internet.
— Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?
— April: Prison.
— Ann: How's your sister doing?
— April: She has the shingles.
— Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?
— April: Alf.
[cut back to Ann being interviewed]
— Ann: And nine seconds with Ron.
[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron]
— Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring
— Ron: Silence...
— Ann: ...
— Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.
— Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same
alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that
it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just
say the message boards are going nuts.
— Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and
[bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at
the same time.
— Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort
— Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video
games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me
and Mother Nature.
— Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call
me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.
— Ron: Thank you Andy.
— Andy: Brother Nature.
— Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle."
— Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!"
— Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that.
— Leslie: I'll say!
— Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The
answer is mine. Say mine is better.
— Ron: It's not a competition.
— Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls
out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My
fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors!
— Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie!
— Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle
Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my
— Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?
— Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game
of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts,
they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.
— Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft
— Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein!
— Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow
— Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they
kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters.
— Everyone: ...
— Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws
dolls in the fire]
— Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important.
— Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we
treat ourselves to?
— Donna: Clothes.
— Tom: Treat Yo Self!
— Donna: Fragrances.
— Tom: Treat Yo Self!
— Donna: Massages.
— Tom: Treat Yo Self!
— Donna: Mimosas.
— Tom: Treat Yo Self!
— Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods.
— Tom: Treat Yo Self!
— Donna: It's the best day of the year.
— Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year!
— Ron: You are defecting?
— Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and
— Ron: Those beans were a reward.
— Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back
and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base.
— Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by
proving that we were better than them!
— Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better
solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum!
— Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren.
— Lauren: What was that?
— Leslie: I said great idea Lauren!
— Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie
Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30.
— Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's
expensive and there's no use for it.
— Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self.
— Ben: ...
— Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a
cashmere, velvet candy cane.
— Donna: Treat Yo Self!
— Ben: ...This is insane.
[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume]
— Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd!
— Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?
— Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me.
You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes
you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay?
You're gonna Treat Yourself!
— Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks
you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself!
— Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying.
— Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun?
— Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the
water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I
Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little
boys be super into me...that came out wrong.
— Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often
suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with
business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line:
Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor.
— Tom: Oh my God!
— Leslie: I'm not going to use that.
— Ben: I take it we're having a party?
— Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.
— Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have
an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.
— Andy: That's a good point.
— Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of
problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint
at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.
— Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman.
— Donna: Yup. You're a regular-
— Chris: -Sherlock Holmes!! I solved that mystery before you did.
— Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away]
— Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year?
— Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your
bathroom faucet is leaking?
— Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What
else do they want me to do?
— Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.
— Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and
you touch the wire, YOU DIE!!!
— Ron: ...Yes that is accurate.
— Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. If
you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say
without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.
— Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and
Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says
sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners]
— Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private
citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.
— Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
— Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya.
[Tanya looks insulted]
— Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand behind
my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a
lot of support in the community for that.
[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly]
— Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I
think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.
— Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor!
— Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all
good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech?
— Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs
and sit on your own face!?
[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house]
— Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?
— Ron: I know more than you.
— Lowe's Employee: ...Alright.
— Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and
what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not
referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many
businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount
Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile
Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... Smooth Operator Bikini
Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan...
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink]
— Ann: Oh my God! We made it work!
— Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I
just love it so much.
— Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you.
— Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room.
— Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm
gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature.
[starts beating up Ben]
[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink]
— Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
— Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a
triple three bolt smack.
— Ron: That was nonsense.
— Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that!
— Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it.
— Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron.
— Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting,
good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person.
— Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along
with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a
company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.
— Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep]
— Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland?
— Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.
— Leslie: OK, how about Japan?
— Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany?
They've never been the bad guys.
— Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!
— Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick
in front of your weeping mother!
— Ben: ...Good Lord.
— Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time
in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't
actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy.
— Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and
now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean?
— Ann: I think you know what it means.
— Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long
as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.
— Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.
— Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and
then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I
will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann.
— Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes...
— Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful
pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently
support me on this gameplan.
— Ann: Leslie...
— Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann...
— Ann: Leslie...
— Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit
endorsement of all my behaviors.
— Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel
mill. He didn't think I should go to college.
— Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?
— Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought
it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as
a joke to shut me up.
— Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that?
— Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
— Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links
Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?
— Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively
— Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire
you and have you prosecuted.
— Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me
off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie,
have fun with this trial. Yay!
— Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city
council again, Leslie. With our help.
— April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
— Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
— Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
— Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
— Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
— Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I
was supposed to come up with something. I...
— Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
— Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on
— Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on
— Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an
— Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.
— Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much!
— Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle.
— Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney?
— Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro,
— Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might
not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about.
Don't know what QuickBooks are.
— Barney: You don't have any accounting experience?
— Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an
accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often?
— Nancy: To my job?
— Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it.
— Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the
— Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to
my place and I will rock your—
— Barney: You're fired!
— Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?
— Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political
— Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and
you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare
— Ann: No I haven't.
— Leslie: You haven't!?
— Ann: No!
— Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse.
— Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes
and say yes.
— Ann: Okay yes!
— Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann.
— Ann: Thank you.
— Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing
like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again.
— Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.
— April: Wow you're doing a really bad job.
— Leslie: William, Elizabeth!
— William: Leslie, hi.
— Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm
relaunching my campaign?
— William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting
with other potential candidates for City Council.
— Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone
else and run theirs?
— Elizabeth: Yes that's our job.
— Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new
advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers.
— Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke
— Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in.
— William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly.
[William and Elizabeth start walking away]
— Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're
relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone.
— Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign
managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional
assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was
way better in my head.
[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion]
— Ben: That is a three-legged dog.
— Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.
— Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog
have when you found him?
— Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs
than most dogs can do with four.
— April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.
— Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house.
You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes
back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.
— Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
— Andy: Yes!
— Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.
— April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you,
Andy and I have jobs.
— Ben: ...Cruel but fair.
— Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager.
— Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that
they wear a lot of dark colors.
— Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked
— Ann: ...What?
— Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone?
— April: Here sit on my lap.
— Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
— Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it.
— Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.
— Tom: Yes sir.
— Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you
— Pistol Pete: Okay.
— Leslie: I think you wanna dunk.
— Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball.
— Ann: What about a layup?
— Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years
old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what
laws are we breaking exactly?
— Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a
seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone.
The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a
commercial license to drive a truck.
— Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what
constitutes a law.
— Leslie: Glenn you're killing me.
— Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to
get that gimp dog to bite me.
— Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I
both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and
do what comes naturally.
— Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate...
— Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming?
— Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the
biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage]
— Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What
happened to the rest of my face!?
— Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause
windows are the eyes to the house.
— Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that
you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here.
— Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that
term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there!
— Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?!
— April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry?
— Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as
a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem.
— Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always been
proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here when
they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that was
something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a
disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I
can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will
— Leslie: Ann you're fired.
— Ann: Oh thank God.
— Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the
town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in
the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.
— Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is
wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business.
— Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.
— John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam?
— Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day.
— John: Where will all the water go?
— Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never
happening and your dream has been crushed.
— Chris: We're very sorry.
— Ron: I am not. Good meeting.
— Jerry: Is everybody feeling good?
— April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls
to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse.
— Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss.
Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
— Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared.
— Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling.
[laughs] She's weird.
— Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love.
— Ann: What did you say something?
— Leslie: Love you!
— Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.
— Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron.
— Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.
— Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in
— Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything.
— Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.
— Leslie: Silence.
— Jerry: ...I don't think she does-
— Tom: Would she like some!?
— Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz.
— Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I
don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.
— Andy: Aww cool cryptex!! Can I have it!?
— Ben: Hey! No, no you can't!
— Andy: Where'd you get it!?
— Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is?
— Andy: I know what things are.
— Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in
here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third
— Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?'
— Ben: ...That's a four letter word.
— Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'?
— Ben: I really don't think it's that.
— Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the
second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.
[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office]
— Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.
— Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?'
— Andy: Ha!
— Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!
— Andy: Just smart people.
— Ron: I think I might be able to help you.
— Andy: Told ya!
[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex]
[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man]
— Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann!
— Leslie: Jerry! Well done!
— Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual
Fun." Enrico here responded right away!
— Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay?
— Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude.
— Tom: You hired a male escort.
— Jerry: A what?
— Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here.
— Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God...
— Leslie: How are you?
— Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance.
Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!
— Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and
you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to
'Single Ladies' by yourself?
— Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you?
— Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink!
— Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like
the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.
— Chris: It is.
— Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you
— Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically,
they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]
— Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that!
— Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this
town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.
— Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.
— Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?
— Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too.
— Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna
make a decision...
— Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at
O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an
answer. Weirdo can come, too.
— Ben: Alright.
— Leslie: Let's go.
— Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say...
— Leslie: Don't.
— Ben: ...that the boys in blue...
— Leslie: Stop.
— Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it
— Leslie: And we're walking.
— Ben: OK.
— Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh,
involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I
relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is
southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement
at that time.
— Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.
— Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
— Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee
seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."
— Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to
slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I
slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.
— Donna: Do I look like I drink water?
— Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means
you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other
implications as well. So those are a maybe.
— April: Why are you here eating alone?
— Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet.
And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no
arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.
— April: That's impossible.
— Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.
— Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my
campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's
— Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that
Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the
— Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make
anything sound positive.
— Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock
— Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is
measured by the amount of love in your life.
— Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want
it to be me.
— Leslie: Is the menu all set?
— Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.
— April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!
— Andy: Sweet!
— Leslie: No!
— Donor: So you do a lot of investing?
— Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage
sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine
glass and stares at it] The economy.
— Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you
ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us
more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.
— Leslie: Do it!! Fierce!! Power!! Pump it up!! 2012!! Nothing gets me more
amped than Sarah McLachlan!
[Candidates are giving their opening statements]
— Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you
your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium.
— Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo!
— Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending
— Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know
about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year
— Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo!
— Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to
be the only woman in a room full of men.
— Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as
important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my
— Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people
do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is
having sex with men and women on camera.
— Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same
— Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been There, Done That. April is Currently Doing
That. Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream. Chris, code name: If I Had To
Pick A Dude. Ben is Eagle Two.
— Ben: Oh thank God.
— Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell
you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel
the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate
this city's libraries!!
[Applause and cheers from the crowd]
— Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day
all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.
— Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go
down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and
then BAM, I start crying.
— Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?!
— Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop
campaigning. We stop, we lose!
— Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.
— Ann: I'm not gonna beat him.
— Leslie: Not with that attitude!
— Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to
Bobby in person.
— Leslie: April?
— April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!
— Leslie: Andy?
— Andy: If..I..If...The guy...
— Leslie: Okay!
— Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot.
If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity.
Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with
— Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to now about it.
— Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and
published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions?
— Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call
Mr. Newport a jerk?
— Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to
be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling
Nick Newport Hitler.
— Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call
"Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family
you'd like to attack?
— Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of
— Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody.
— Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?
[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes]
— Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!!
— Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?
[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck]
— Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!
— Tom: Am I dead?
— Bill: WHAT THE HELL!?
— Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.
— Bill: That is not what happened.
— Donna: I got witnesses.
— Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.
— Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."
— Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole.
— Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.
— Bill: GAH!!!
— Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis
to everyone and you've come here to pie him!
— Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming!
— Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I
would love nothing-
[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face]
— Andy: Aww Fuck Ben!! Sorry!!
[Police take Sewage Joe away]
— Andy: Oh ho!!! I did it!!!
— Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job.
— Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt
so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were
playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy,
tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and
gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real.
— Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.
— Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the
concession speech you wrote for me.
— Ben: I never wrote it.
— Leslie: City Council, bitches!
— Andy: You OK, boss?
— Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but
all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.
— Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca?
— Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares
confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses
into one woman called Hot Rebecca.
— Andy: Oooh.
— Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super
PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.
— Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is
gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.
— Leslie: No.
— Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass
Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up
— Leslie: Thanks.
— Andy: That's what makes you...
— Leslie: Nope.
— Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it.
— Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn.
— Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier.
Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which
was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town...
— Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce
option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there
is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a
child size soda?
— Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child
were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.
— Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.
— Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan.
Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy!
— Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide
healthier options like Water Zero.
— Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there
are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per
serving. Isn't that misleading?
— Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which
is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only
[At a public forum]
— Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses
— Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas
and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in
— Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?
— Woman: Well we have lots of other problems.
— Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right
everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab
a slice of Za bro!
— Ellis: Okay.
— Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!?
— Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown.
— Ben: Dude! So did I! In college!
— April: Whoa! You guys should get married!
— Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes!
— Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's
— Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
— Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!?
— Leslie: Hey.
— Ann: Hey you look weird.
— Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.
— Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!!
— Ellis: ...What?
— Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind.
— Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes.
— April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up]
— Ellis: What is your problem?!
— April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and
if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know
where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your
eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a
dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that?
— Ellis: Yes.
— April: Do it!
— April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
— Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week.
— Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT.
— Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.
— Andy: Woo!
— Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what
they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of
them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field
day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a
lot of crabs.
— Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways,
they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause
they're close to death.
— Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery.
— Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."
— Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask
Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady
accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly
since LBJ was president!
— Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more
concerned with disease.
— Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
— Ann: I don't think so no.
— Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?
— Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
— Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
— Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna
jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!
— Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a
doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40
to ride this train!
— Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]
— Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next
thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before
you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?
— Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want.
— Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!
— Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with
them on your own time!
— Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.
— Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses.
— Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading
at chapter three.
— Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your
Pants & No-one Is Invited...
— Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to
magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen!
— Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania.
— Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away]
— Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying.
— Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi
Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it.
— Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you.
— Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing?
— Ben: I can't do that right now.
— Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those
death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote
was really profane.
— Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't
like how I tweet, don't follow me.
— Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
— Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation.
— Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge
garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee
Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my
wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing
— Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for?
— April: I dunno, eight cents?
— Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard
"Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam.
— April: Ooh...$900.
— Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
[Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben]
— Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have
to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time.
— Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back.
— Leslie: I know.
— Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300...
— Leslie: Alright Martha I get it!
— Ben: Marry me?
— Leslie: Oh, yeah!
— Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No
one can bring my parents together.
— Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops!
— Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/
— Leslie: We're getting married!!
— Ben: All right.
— Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come
up in my police work
— Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond.
— Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry
Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a
spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman
— Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin
lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a
park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I
guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal.
— Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the
children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime
— Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration
of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your
resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't
— Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is
like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some
junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind!
— Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton.
— Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind.
— Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I
— Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee.
We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years!
— Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So
let's at least go meet the guy.
— Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I
like your plan.
— Ben: ...
— Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee
City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job.
— Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee
for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help
and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home.
— Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start
work on that right away?
— Chris: Yes sir!
— Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.
— Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton.
— Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother!
— Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the
public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right?
— Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort.
— Ben: No. You!
— Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna
leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee.
— Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out]
— Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ...
— Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?
— Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale
but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.
— Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins
tried to commit suicide.
— Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved
— Ann: So you like the place?
— Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible.
— Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I
have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!
— Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?
— Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by
the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]
— Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the
[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design]
— Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds
and most importantly, smells that define your city.
— Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens.
We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with
instructions for those who've never showered before.
— Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I
will rip your throats out.
— Ben: Out! Now!
— Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so...
[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her]
— Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back!
— April: Alright so does this look familiar?
— Andy: No not at all.
— April: I was talking to Joey.
— Joey's Mom: Joey!
— Joey: Mommy!
— Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much!
You'll never know how much I appreciate it!
— Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am.
— Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler.
— Joey's Mom: ...What?
— April: Don't worry about it.
[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away]
— April: Wow you made those losers very happy.
— Ben: What the Hell happened man!?
— Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why
I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting
them out of the building.
— Ben: Well...good!
— Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote
them but I insisted they be fired.
— Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this.
— Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she
could ever get over the bad blood between our towns.
— Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person.
[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin]
— Leslie: REVENGE!!! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk!!
WOOOOO!!! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER!!! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying
his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin!! Suck it!! Now we're even.
— Ben: Leslie.
— Leslie: Huh?
— Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did.
— Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away]
— April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son.
— Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you,
probably having sex with you.
— Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the
money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my
house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now.
— Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business.
— Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas!
— Ron: What?
— Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good
chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it
merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!!
— Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle
bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you!
— Ron: Get out.
— Leslie: Yeah. okay.
— Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw
— Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.
— Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.
— Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have
been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back.
BOOM! I'm out. [walks out]
— April: Who's Matlock?
— Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment
from the past year.
— April: Yes!
— Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of
— April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue!
— Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup
with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe!
— Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick
— April & Tom: No!!
— Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people?
— Tom: Not really.
— April: Never!
[Leslie talking about Diane]
— Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane
[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up]
— Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up!
— Ron: No.
— Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is
perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin
neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring
[Everyone around them looks offended]
— Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it
down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval.
— Ron: I don't need your approval.
— Leslie: But you have it.
— Ron: Don't need it.
— Leslie: But you got it!
— Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am
so so happy for him-
[Tammy Two walks in]
— Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much
wood ready to be worked.
— Leslie: ...Fuck me!
— Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!
— Ron: She's here isn't she?
— Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be
— Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named
Tammy who is also my ex-wife.
— Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.
— Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done!
Tammy! What are you doing here?
— Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
— Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is
— April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann!! It's coming out of me
right now!! I'm pregnant!!
— Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family.
There's no place for meanies.
— April: Oh forget it I'm coming in.
[April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease]
— April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!!
— Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are
you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse.
— April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins.
— Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because
they're unflattering to my hands!
— Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something
nice for Jerry.
— Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take
him to Jerry Dinner.
— Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in.
— Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry
— Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same
— Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved.
— Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my
boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron?
— Diane: Subtle.
— Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold
out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna!
— April: ...I actually like that one.
— Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo!
— Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place
— Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!
— Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's
husband and his friends.
— April: You know what? I think men are better than women.
— Leslie: She's kidding
— April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they
are our masters.
— Leslie: April. Stop it!
— April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.
— Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific.
— Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this
pwetty pwetty wittle bead.
— Ron: They're not infants.
— Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay?
— Zoey: You're weird.
— Ann: You're-[runs out]
— Jerry: Well hey girls!
— Ivy: ...No.
— Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away]
— Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's
face like a mask!!
— Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
— Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman?
— Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories!
— Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome.
— April: And some privacy to violate!
— Leslie: Yeah!!
— April: Woo!
— Leslie: ...Wait no.
— Andy: You are officially a baller.
— Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete.
— Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here.
— Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there.
— Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't
mean to say that.
— Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt.
— Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that
I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening.
[Ann's mouth is open] What?!
— Ann: Did you just say you love Diane?
— Ron: No. I did not.
— Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute!
— Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!!
— Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo!!! Ron loves mommy!! Ron Loves mommy!!
— Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't
tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard.
— Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy!! [the girls join in]
— Ron: I LOVE NOTHING!!! [runs out]
— Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past]
— April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we have
to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin Hestin,
he beat up five cops on that stuff.
— Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself.
And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for
six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations,
Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make
sense to me.
— Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my
— Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you?
— Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting.
Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark
— Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
— Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read
but I would watch the movie of.
— Ben: That's nonsense.
— April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex
— Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers]
Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac.
— Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here.
— Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those
stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a
sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.
— Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.
— Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them.
— Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which
— Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is
ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a
cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller.
Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.
Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons.
Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.
Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?"
"Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in
I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie
Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.
— Leslie: How did you get the word out?
— Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.
— Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle.
It's been a very rewarding day.
— Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever.
— Donna: Did you just pee your pants?
— Jerry: Just a dab.
— Donna: You nasty Jerry.
— Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings.
— Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to
Game of Thrones."
— Tom: Nooooo... Jerry!
— Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is
crooked] How's it looks.
— Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry
tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not...
break it a sixth.
— Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.
— Chris: I have something for you.
— Ben: All right.
— Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have
been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.
— Ben: [quietly] No way.
— Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those
eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both
found a home.
— Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.
— Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]
— Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a
wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you
look very beautiful.
— Ron: People who buy things are suckers.
— Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on
— Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault,
you've never had to compensate for anything.
— Ron: I wish this office was just walls.
— Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing
everything I say.
— April: So what, I have to be your slave or something?
— Ann: No, you have to be my friend
— April: Ugh, that's so much worse.
— Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly.
— Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest.
— Donna: Who were you competing against?
— Chris: My own taste buds.
— Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is
water that's lying about being milk
— Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square
— April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.
— April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger.
— Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him
several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I
barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And
when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the
ground. I regret nothing. The end.
— Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
— Ron: One.
— Ann: That's it? One drink?
— Ron: One shelf.
— Ann: Do you exercise?
— Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.
— Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family
— Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
— Ann: Allergies?
— Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts
— Ann: Sexual History?
— Ron: Epic and Private
— Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent.
— Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface.
— Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.
— April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for
— Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
— Leslie: Get out.
— Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]
— Chris: I liked him.
— Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion
— April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused
like a railway worker.
— Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
— April: [smiles] Really? Thanks.
— Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd
choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do
nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.
— Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What
kind of name is that?
— Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The
half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones?
— Ann: No, do you?
— Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it!
Everyone on that show can get it!
— Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron.
— Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods?
— Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change
it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day.
— Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you
have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June.
— Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first
time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship.
— Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a
hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm
complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I
— Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of
anniversaries, so I have seniority.
— Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction.
— Ann: What- no!
— Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed.
— Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get
us the waffle iron back?
— Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are.
[pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very
wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth
— Ann: This is why we don't hang out.
— Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do
to! I just moved.
— Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.
— April: My spirit blood is on your hands.
— Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad.
— Ron: No
— Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is
like a giant puppy with no shame.
— Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as
well lean into it.
— Andy: Look, Hogwarts.
— Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know
that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.
— Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that
was a mistake.
— Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?
— Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's
a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
— Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher
— Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the
stench of European socialism.
— Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a
disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an
island. In space.
— Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me?
— Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!
— Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old
calculator. It doesn't have a name.
— Leslie: Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you
know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer
burn widows for learning arithmetic.
— Leslie: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The
Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm
told is a fancy horse riding thing.
— Alonso: It is horse dancing madam!
— Leslie: Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your
saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments!
— April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law!
— Leslie: No!
— Leslie: I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new
— Jerry: [walking in] Hey everybody!
— April: NOOOOO!!!
— Tom: Noooo!!! Why!? This can't be happening!!
— Ron: Why Leslie!?
— Chris: When we were state auditors we had an amazing system.
— Ben: Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy
and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons!
— Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing!
— Ben: You're all fired!
— Chris: Teamwork!
— Jerry: When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting
on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because
Pawnee needs me.
— April: I'm sorry was your name Jennifer?
— Tynnyfer: No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then
I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some
— April: ...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's
April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
— Tynnyfer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up
where do I get that?
— April: Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona?
— Tynnyfer: I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of
them before. Are they better!?
— April: Winona rocks my world.
— Tynnyfer: Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must.
[cut to April being interviewed]
— April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world
— Leslie: Hey this is a surprise!
— Ann: Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear
some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?
— Leslie: Is everything okay?
— Ann: Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.
— Leslie: Oh hello!
— Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
— Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are
— Leslie: Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because
Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known
occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.
— Ann: Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk
some more words into Leslie's face.
— Leslie: Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann,
with your tiny little doll feet.
— Ann: Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm
gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
— Leslie: What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew
she was a monster!
— Leslie: Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by
treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?
— April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like
totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking
like so much forever!
— Tynnyfer: It's all so delicious!
— April: I know right!?
— Tynnyfer: This is like the best day ever!
— April: I know I'm eating it all up!
— Leslie: Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting
away like a...dying turd flower...
— April: Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!
— Tynnyfer: And Skank!
— April: How crazmazing is that Les!?
— Leslie: Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to
stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy
forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a
garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings!
— Donna: Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of
medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too
much of today?
— Craig: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too
much!! AND IT'S INCURABLE!! ...Also, I have eczema.
— Leslie: Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your
job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I
think Craig's gonna have to go.
— Donna: No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met
anyone who cares more about this job.
— Leslie: Huh Donna. I'm right here.
— Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose
between him and me, I'd choose him.
— Leslie: What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!?
— Donna: I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in
Seattle, the fiance in Denver...
— Leslie: Huh!?
— Donna: It won't last.
— Ann: Okay we need to talk!
— Leslie: I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent
from that new town you might move to!!
[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts]
— Ron: Why are you doing this?
— Leslie: What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally
binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?
— Ron: You have lost your mind.
— April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.
[Everyone storms out]
— Leslie: Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead!! Is that better!?!
— Ron: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?
— Eagleton Ron: Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural
— Ron: Shut your damn mouth.
— Eagleton Ron: No need to curse.
— Ron: There most certainly is!
— Leslie: Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All
Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally.
— Leslie: So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're
not "Ann pretty" but you have potential.
— Evelyn: ...Thank you but I don't work in this department-
— Leslie: Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie.
[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers]
— Leslie: Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then
become familiar best friends.
— Craig: I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo
gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!
— Leslie: Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys
remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig
said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do
you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.
[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie]
— Ron: This way please.
— Leslie: Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best
friends attack Ron!!!
[Everyone looks very confused]
— Ron: Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!?
— Leslie: I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as
I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!!
— Ron: ...
— Leslie: Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris.
— Ron: Well that's nice.
— Leslie: Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically
— Leslie: We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my
opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark
stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to
do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall
— Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"
— Leslie: ...Yeah that's a much better idea.
— April: Can I have these question mark stickers?
— Leslie: Why?
— April: I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]
— Leslie: April no!
— Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to
— Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
— Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had
the same will since I was eight years old.
— Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the
man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
— Ron: The man who kills me will know.
— Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long.
You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
— Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer,
congressman and doctor. Pass.
— Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if
you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the
— Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?
— Leslie: That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying?
— Donna: Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that
was your thing.
— Leslie: My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making
friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really
cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo!
— Donna: Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about
work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.
— Leslie: I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying?
— Chris: No.
— Leslie: Are you lying?
— Chris: No.
— Leslie: Are you trying to protect my feelings?
— Chris: No.
— Leslie: Do you think I'm being annoying right now?
— Chris: Yes.
— Leslie: So you do think I'm annoying!
— Chris: I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think
that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that
driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of
things. I like cooking. And racquetball!
— Leslie: Now who's annoying?
— Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns
out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall
haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish.
— Leslie: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet
for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch."
— Chris: It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her
frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like
racquetball, for your mouth.
— Leslie: I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one person's
annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are we to
— Donna: And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things.
— Leslie: I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the
— Donna: And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.
— Leslie: Deal.
[They shake hands]
— Leslie: I got you an apology present.
— Donna: Oh?
— Leslie: It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got
the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same
time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you
feel about them individually.
— Donna: Let me take a picture.
— Leslie: Are you tweeting this?
— Donna: Mmmhmm.
— Leslie: What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?"
— Donna: Yeah it's "PsychoBoss."
— Leslie: Well, I don't hate that.
— Leslie: I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.
— Jamm: Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're
[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease]
— Chris: [To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No
twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty!
— Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his
financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for
— Ron: Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin?
— Donna: I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground.
Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi...
— Ron: You're describing a hotel.
— Jamm: You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you
when you're gone.
— Leslie: Oh...
— Jamm: You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.
— Leslie: You want to be Lex Luthor?
— Jamm: Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich.
— Leslie: Well okay. I can't argue with that.
— Leslie: Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting!
— Chris: She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the
University of Michigan. Go Blue!
— Leslie: ...
— Chris: It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family.
— Leslie: What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no
"Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces!
— Jamm: Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going
for but I dig your gambit.
— Leslie: There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the
way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.
— Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice
— Leslie: I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home.
[After making a deal with Jamm]
— Jamm: Deal guys. You must really want that park.
— Leslie: I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best
friend. [talking about Ann]
— Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.
— Leslie: ...
— Leslie: Are you sure you're okay with what you did?
— Chris: Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on
the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.
— Leslie: Mmmhmmm
— Chris: And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away.
— Leslie: Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening.
— Ben: Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city
counselor so everyone be extra supportive.
— Ron: Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind
— Ben: ...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on
her last day. Any ideas?
— Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay
away from wine! Wine is crying juice.
— Larry: Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really
want more than anything in the world?
— Ben: ...A nice candle! I'm screwed.
— Leslie: Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone
through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat
adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the
episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it
that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now.
[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein]
— Dr. Saperstein: So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus
I've ever seen. This could be a superhero!
— Chris: Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you
destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!!!
— Ann: We love you!
— Dr. Saperstein: I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex?
— Chris: Oh my God! Should we?
— Ann: No, right? Or maybe yes?
— Chris: Is there an option other than yes or no?
— Dr. Saperstein: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down.
Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila!
— Ann: That'll be fun!
— Chris: It's like the Oscars!
— Ann: Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait
no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great!
— Chris: ...
[Ann and Chris are having lunch]
— Chris: I would be thrilled if we have a girl!
— Ann: Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it!
— Chris: And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily...
— Ann: Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving!
[To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you
don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your
face into the deep fryer!!
[The waitress starts nervously walking away]
— Chris: And also two waters please but no hurry.
— Ann: Thank you!
[reading Dr. Saperstein's note]
— Chris: We are having a...distributions.
— Ann: ...
— Chris: That's what it looks like. "Distributions."
— Ann: Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says "I
Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf?
— Chris: We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet."
— Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation!! The suspense is
— Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.
— Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I
— Leslie: Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a
big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City
Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.
— Everyone: ...
— Leslie: Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's
— Tom: Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the
— Leslie: April?
— April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned
into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.
— Leslie: Andy?
— Andy: I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go
through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three
— Leslie: Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words
carry great influence so what do you think I should do?
— Ron: I do not think that you should run again.
— Leslie: What the Hell do you know dum dum!!?
— Jennifer: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting?
— Leslie: Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family?
— Jennifer: Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of
that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?
— Leslie: ...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk.
— Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win.
But why would you want to?
— Leslie: Because it's my dream job.
— Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by
monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at
a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in
the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and
confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for
— Leslie: Is that what you did?
— Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee
has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got
name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a
thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are
doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you
— Jennifer: Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're
gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars.
— Leslie: Uh...I just need to...
— Jennifer: I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me
$1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you
Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move
this back? Don't answer it!
— Leslie: Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.
— Ron: Dear God woman!
— Leslie: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my
personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like
an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I
have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.
— Ron: We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]
— Leslie: Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else.
[Leslie spots baby John in the corner]
— Leslie: [Gasps] Oh my God whose baby is that!?
— Ron: That would be mine.
— Leslie: Guys get in here!! Ron has a baby!!
— Andy: Oh Ron. Cool baby.
— Ron: Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son,
John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing
multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of
silence. Please keep your voices down.
— Leslie: How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby,
and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!!
— Ron: Why would you need to know something like that?
— Leslie: [pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent
Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift
— April: Should we do something?
— Ron: Just let her tire herself out.
— Larry: If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.
— Ron: Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet
store and pick up some fish food for me?
— Leslie: WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?
— April: Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the
graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"
— Leslie: I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the
worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle
giving the middle finger.
— Andy:Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.
— Leslie: A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it
is time to tear down this wall!
[Applause from crowd]
— Leslie: In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the
first strike. Take it away guys!
[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall]
— Leslie: It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the
hole] BEES!! BEES!! NOBODY PANIC!!
[Everyone starts screaming and running away as the bees start stinging people]
— Craig: [running away] OHHH NOOO!!!
— Random Citizen: AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!!
— Jamm: [filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid
Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight
to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK!! FUCK!!
— Andy: [shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung
once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!
— Reporter: Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were
from Eagleton. How did you pull that off?
— Leslie: I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest
to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing
at the Eagletonians.
— Reporter: How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take
to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?
— Leslie: They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a
prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should
treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their
walls for bees!
— Reporter: Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there!
— Leslie: Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out]
— Reporter: What else can you do with your bees!?
— Reporter: Leslie what's your next prank!?
— Larry: Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks
— Leslie: I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay!
Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee
— Larry: Okey dokey.
— Leslie: Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my
— Leslie: I am so incredibly sorry.
— Eagletonian: That's very kind of you Miss Knope.
— Leslie: I hope you look a lot less gross very soon.
— Jamm: Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go
there for me? Some dirty mags?
— Leslie: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who
got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain!
— Jamm: Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang.
— Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live
ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving
cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.
— Leslie: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came
here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.
— Mike Patterson: Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend,
known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm.
— Jamm: Excuse me Mike, that's best friend.
— Leslie: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and
bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who!
— Jamm: Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from
Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!?
— Leslie: Mine! It was my idea!
— Mike Patterson: You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie
Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement.
And I for one am sick of it.
— Leslie: The point is, will you go to Prom with me?
— Ben: Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of
course I will.
— Leslie: Yay!!! Prom!!!
— Leslie: Tom, you're in charge of music.
— Ben: Aww man. Well alright.
— Leslie: Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little
puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws.
— Donna: Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you
two. Ya'll are an official warning.
— Leslie: Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were
— Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.
— Leslie: Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business!
— Allison: They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca.
— Ben: ...What is happening right now?
— April: Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live
together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.
— Larry: What does laked mean?
— Andy: I tried to jump it over a lake!! Why don't you stay out of our
— Larry: Will do! [chuckles and walks off]
— Leslie: We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April
Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I
don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program.
— Ron: What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of
— Allison: ...
— Leslie: That's what he calls City Hall.
— Allison: Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was
thinking about taking it.
— Ron: [laughing] Oh no no no no!! No! I respect your father too much to let
his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job
for the summer?
— Leslie: Why don't you shut your mustache!!?
— Allison & Ron: ...
— Leslie: Sorry.
— Ben: My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the house
without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living room...I
think I'm still messed up from it.
— Leslie: [in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I
will defeat you! Mark my words!
— Ron: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships.
— Ron: I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we
slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at
the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown
— Andy: Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an
— April: Andy. I hate teenagers!
— Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's
like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it.
Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I
watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good
movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance?
— Leslie: So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a
little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm
handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion.
— Allison: So just...pull the rope.
— Leslie: That's right!
— Donna: I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. Like
I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Dukes to the final
— April: I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a
[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time]
— April: How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?
— Donna: That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the
most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be
[guy walks up to Donna]
— Guy: Hey girl. Are you ready to go?
— Donna: I feel like I told you to wait in the car.
— Guy: ...Yeah. [walks off]
— Donna: See? Be direct.
— Ron: Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your
awkward, close quarters gyrating.
[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage]
— Leslie: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection
— Girl: Where'd you get that dress?
— April: I was buried in it.
— Girl: ... [awkwardly walks away]
— Ben: You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.
— Tom: Yeah. You're old as shit!! Thanks Ben.
— Ben: Glad I could help.
— Allison: Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend.
[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison]
— Leslie: [shocked] ...Greg Pikitis?
— Greg: What up Knope!?
— Leslie: Hello Gregory.
— Allison: You guys know each other?
— Leslie: You might say that.
— Greg: Come on baby, let's get out of here.
[Greg and Allison walk away]
— Ron: It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right?
— Leslie: Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible
[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling
her dress to a tablecloth]
— Leslie: PIKITIS!!
— Leslie: It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work
to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our
poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's
history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant
— Leslie: Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything!
People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry.
[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk]
— Larry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home?
— Leslie: The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail.
— April: April Ludgate, professional drinker.
— Woman: Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate?
— April: The Wine...Academy.
— Woman: The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!?
— April: Yes!
— Woman: Carol. Make sure she's in Group A.
— Craig: Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know
everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and
this is my debit rewards card!
— Andy: I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the
candy isles but won't get any.
— Leslie: You can buy two candies.
— Andy: TWO!? [runs off]
— Pharmacist: Can I help you?
— Leslie: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing,
it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good
stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff.
[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel]
— Craig: Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly
pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!!
— April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and
just a hint of a robot's bathwater.
— Craig: It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace
beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night
sky is full of stars!!
— April: This comes from...your mother's butt.
— Chip McCapp: Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!!? And stack em
for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!
— Chip's Dad/Manager: You got it Chip!
— Chip McCapp: Ugh my dad is such an idiot.
— Andy & Leslie: ...
— Chip's Dad/Manager: Here you go Chip.
— Chip McCapp: Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey!! You
dick!! I want ham!!
— Chip's Dad/Manager: Sorry son they were out of ham.
— Chip McCapp: Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?
[throws plate at his Dad]
— Chip McCapp: Pick em up skip.
— Andy: [whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks
that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!
— Leslie: [whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.
— Chip McCapp: Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!!
— Chip's Dad/Manager: Anticipating Chip!
— Official: Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of
a Sommelier Certificate.
— April: Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so
much everyone!! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you
spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid.
— Official: Security!
[security begins to escort April out]
— April: I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh
Pluto Nash. All the Klumps...
— Eagleton Ron: Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine
— Ron: Motherfucker!
— Ben: Whoa where'd you come from?
— Eagleton Ron: Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether
your conception of time is linear or circular.
— Ben: ...What?
— Eagleton Ron: Hello Ron.
— Ben: Ron, you know this hobo?
— Eagleton Ron: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
— Ben: Dude, are you a ghost?
— Eagleton Ron: Am I?
— Ben: ...What is happening right now!?!
— Leslie: You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and
you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms!!
...That make us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go
— Tom: Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd
have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
— Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!!!
— Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
— Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.
[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig]
— Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?
— Tom: Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.
— Craig: You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with
— Donna: No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.
— April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a
glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around
— Craig: ...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]
— Tom: Seems to be keeping it together
— Craig: [from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I
KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!!!
[Craig comes back with the wine]
— Craig: For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring
out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which
should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would
you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.
— Tom: Thanks very much!
— Craig: Enjoy. [walks out]
— Tom: I think I might have found my new sommelier.
— Craig: [from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!!
— Tom: I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.
— Ben: So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.
— April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.
— Leslie: That's great April! How'd you do that!?
— April: It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing
— Leslie: We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity
concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The
Stream with a Sacajawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators,
microphones, water, that boring stuff too.
— Andy: I am not good at keeping secrets!! That's exactly what I told Kyle
when he told me his wife was cheating on him.
— Kyle: ANDY! COME ON!!
— Andy: Ah!! See!
— Kyle: Not cool man!!
— Andy: Not him! Not that Kyle!
— Donna: You wanted to see me?
— Ron: Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor.
— Donna: WHAT!??! Ron Swanson asking for help!?
— Ron: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!!!
[Leslie is getting an ultrasound]
— Dr. Saperstein: Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's
your healthy baby!
— Leslie: Oh wow.
— Dr. Saperstein: Oh! And there's another one!
— Ben: The baby has two bodies?
— Leslie: Twins! Ben we're having twins!
— Dr. Saperstein : No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.
— Leslie: ...Triplets!? Triplets!?
— Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of
cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a
bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!
— Ben: Triplets...
— Leslie: Triplets...
— Leslie: I can't believe it!! We knocked it out of the park on the first
try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!
— Ben: This is insane.
— Leslie: This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we
got the proof!
— Dr. Saperstein: Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more
frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to
releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean
to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."
— Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all
our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot
higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to
— Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?
— Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love
— Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.
— Andy: Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.
— April: Lie.
— Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.
— April: ...
— Andy: Leslie is dying-
— April: No.
— Andy: They're both dying.
— April: No!
— Andy: I'm dying.
— April: ...
— Andy: Chris and Ann are moving.
— April: They already moved.
— Andy: They are moving again to China...town in France.
— April: No!
— Andy: Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?
— April: Yes!
— Andy: Leslie. Is. A spy.
— April: No.
— Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt.
— April: Oh my God.
— Leslie: Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert
right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who
just hit triple cherries in her uterus.
— Ben: We're screwed.
— Ben: Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!
— Leslie: Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of
my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like
To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.
— April: Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret
anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but
if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.
— Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to
keep my word.
— Andy: But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell
you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?
— April: Okay!
[Leslie & Ben walk in]
— Leslie: Everybody if you could gather around!
— Andy: [pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!!
— Ben: You're ready?
— Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.
— Jamm: Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.
— Leslie: Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact
with you again.
— Jamm: I missed you too.
— Leslie: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all
the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust
my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel
vision about achieving my goals.
[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee]
— Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to
apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example,
we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los
Angeles not a wine.
— Joan: Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?
— Ben: No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
— Joan: WHAT!?
— Tom: Round of drinks for everyone on the house!!
— Andy: Yeah!! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side.
And a spaghetti to go. On the house!!
— Joan: [Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...
— Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
— Ron: How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience
with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and
— Leslie: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!!
— Leslie: I didn't even get a chance to say my plan!
— Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan?
— Leslie: Please don't say Hitler-
— Jamm: Adolf Hitler!
— Leslie: Ron! What did you do!?
— Ron: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.
— Leslie: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away
from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and
Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!!
— Leslie: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you
have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that.
— Jamm: Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat
steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.
— Leslie: I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems
like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You
love Porschs and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card.
— Jamm: Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know
it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly
sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right!
[Jamm breaks down crying]
— Jamm: Oh God!
— Leslie: Oh boy...
— Jamm: Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought
— Leslie: Well...
— Jamm: [Crying] Oh God! Oh God!
— Leslie: Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken
you! You need to get away from her!
[Jamm pulls some of his hair out]
— Jamm: Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!!
[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically]
— Leslie: Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can
resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice]
Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you
say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh?
— Jamm: [whispering] Do it!
— Ron: There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the
pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!
— Leslie: [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've
got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get
gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder]
— Ron: This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!
[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two]
— Tammy Two: Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies?
— Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up.
— Tammy Two: Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to
— Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the
steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.
— Tammy Two: [In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby!
— Leslie: We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?
— Jamm: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY!
— Leslie: Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible...
— Jamm: It's over Tammy.
— Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we
consummate our relationship tonight!?
[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of
— Tammy Two: Huh? Let's do it!
— Ron: Oh ho ho and the last card is played!
— Leslie: What are you doing!?
— Random Lady: Shhh! This is a library!
— Leslie: Do you see what's happening here!?!
— Jamm: Ron I need that crotch blinder!
— Ron: No you don't! Just end it!
— Tammy Two: Look at my boobs.
— Jamm: No!
— Tammy Two: Look downstairs.
— Jamm: No!
— Tammy Two: There's a prize inside for you.
— Jamm: It's over Tammy.
— Tammy Two: What!?
— Jamm: To Hell with you woman. Goodbye!
[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over
— Tammy Two: HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK!! THEY ALL
COME BACK!! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!!
— Ron: Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all
— Tammy Two: COME ON EVERYBODY!! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!!
[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until
they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why
Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.]
— Leslie: Ron, what are you doing?
— Ron: I know I saw it. Aha!
[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.]
— Ron: Detonator...
[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the
— Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...
[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore
in front of it.]
— Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out
— Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second...
— Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the
right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and
walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!
— Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...
— Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases
confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."]
— Leslie: Ooh!
[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.]
— Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks
— Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially
defused claymore mine.
— Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I
filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.
— Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?
— Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on
— Ron: You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you.
— Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there
— Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had
become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good
to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business,
Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone.
So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.
[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office]
— Leslie: Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson?
— Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry.
— Larry: Uh, it's Terry now.
— Ron: OK. As luck would have it-
[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate]
— Leslie: Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the
northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting
forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry,
this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug?
— Ron: Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch.
— Leslie: I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30.
— Ron: Excellent. See ya then.
— Leslie: OK!
— April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in
Washington to prep.
— Leslie: Oh my God, really?
— April: Yep.
— Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files,
meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey
babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids?
[cuts back to 2017]
— Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch.
— Ron: You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure
out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic.
— Leslie: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes
silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have
lunch. Ron, you were going-?
— Ron: I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just
saying it out loud feels dirty.
— Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third
floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have
been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have
been a better friend to you.
— Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence
that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I
love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside...
— Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful.
— Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like
explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we
had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar
development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had
a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I
looked around this office, nothing was the same.
— Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office,
and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there]
— Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
— Leslie: People are idiots, Ron.
— Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago
when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a
fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical
Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.
— Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but
planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule,
vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig.
— Donna: The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My
cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote
her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended
at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an
international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that
— Leslie: Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going
to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you.
— Roz: Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're
gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds?! [the kids
run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!!?
— Leslie: [to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're
tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children.
— Ben: Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you.
— Leslie: I love you more than Ben.
— Ben: ...
— Leslie: I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But
if you left me...I would never recover.
— Roz: [touched] Thanks. That helps.
— Ben: Things aren't that chaotic.
— Roz: [running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke
everything you own!
[loud crash in the background]
— Roz: I don't know what that was.
— Gayle: Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is
giving his lady friend a gift.
— Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.
— Gayle: Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you!
— Jerry: Oh sweetie!!
— Ron: Control yourselves Gergichs!!!
[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by]
— Jen: Whoa! What was that!!? That was huge!!
— Roz: Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of
Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at.
— Jen: I mean this is chaos.
— Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but
seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like
— April: Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were
arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970.
— Andy: Here are all the troublemakers boss.
— April: Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no
more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop
making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit!!
— Ginuwine: ...Yes?
— April: Get it together!
— Ginuwine: [crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this.
— April: [mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!!
— Leslie: Babe you are killing it!
— Ben: I am right!?
— Leslie: Yes!!
— Ben: Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also
I have a little secret, I'm drunk!
— Leslie: I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip of
— Ben: I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent.
— Ben: [drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here
to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the
bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and
your just like "What!? It's you!! I love you!! You're my sexy roommate!! We
love each other!!"
— Leslie: Wooo!! He's talkin about me!!
— Ben: Yes I am baby doll!! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are
great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing
going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!!
[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing]
— April: You want me to shut that down?
— Donna: No I liked it. Let the little man dance.
— Ben: Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we?
— Leslie: Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times.
— Jen: You left me four messages last night.
— Ben: What?
— Jen: They contain very specific policy positions.
[Jen holds up her phone]
— Ben: [over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack hard
into fiscal responsibility!
— Ben: Oh God...
— Leslie: [over phone] 867-5309!!!
— Jen: I love that song.
— Leslie: [over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!!!
— Leslie: Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was.
— Jen: Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna
fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time.
— Leslie: Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!!
— Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet.
— Leslie: [crying] But you're gonna be very soon!
— Donna: Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie but
on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. Ya'll
inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle.
[Michelle walks up]
— Donna: Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost
touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never
gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this
wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were
never gonna walk again so this should be easy right?
— Leslie: Wow what a complicated tapestry that is!
— Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are
finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.
— Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged
[gasps from the crowd]
— Levandrious: What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your
wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago.
— Donna: What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!!
— Levandrious: Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident.
— Donna: Yeah!
— Levandrious: Don't worry. I brought it back.
[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground]
— Levandrious: Now no-one gets any popcorn!
[Donna looks at April and smiles]
— Leslie: What did I do wrong now?
— Elise Yartkin: No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your
— Leslie: Really!?
— Elise Yartkin: But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie a
platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this
year's IOW Woman of the Year.
— Leslie: Son of a bitch!!
— Ron: [In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your
construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar.
[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just
had a library named after her.]
— Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library?
[The series' last lines]
— Ben: You ready, babe?
— Leslie: Yes. I'm ready.