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author | Mike Redd | 2015-07-01 14:05:13 -0500 |
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committer | Mike Redd | 2015-07-01 14:05:13 -0500 |
commit | 9dc315e22db59b477fb644f15c81f1283ca98fee (patch) | |
tree | bb519a2ab5f71dcc2915f9da52730b3aa0ec005d /entourage | |
download | aur-fortune-mod-entourage.tar.gz |
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Diffstat (limited to 'entourage')
-rw-r--r-- | entourage | 431 |
1 files changed, 431 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/entourage b/entourage new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..e17416938675 --- /dev/null +++ b/entourage @@ -0,0 +1,431 @@ +Ari Gold: Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my c**k! +% +Turtle: I thought he quit? +Johnny Drama: Cigarettes, not p***y. +% +Johnny Drama: His tears will basically act as the lubricant. +% +Eric: We had breakup-sex, all right? +Johnny Drama: Breakup-sex? Never heard of it. +Eric: Yeah, I mean... you know... you have sex and... that's it - you say goodbye. +Johnny Drama: [pauses to think] That's the only kinda sex I have. +% +[Ari's daughter is practising for her bat mitzvah] +Ari Gold: [to his wife] Is it me or is her voice getting worse? +Ari's Wife: Ari! +Ari Gold: It doesn't mean that I don't love her but she's just awful baby! +% +Ari Gold: I'll beat that old f**k and throw him in the pool. +Ari Gold: [to his young kids] +Ari Gold: Only Daddy speaks that way! +% +Turtle: This is where you should be living, Vince. In a kingdom, like a prince. +Eric: Don't you mean in a kingdom like a king, you idiot? +Vince: Nah, E. Everyone wants to kill the king. But the prince, he just sails along telling all the ladies, "One day I'm gonna be +king." +% +Vince: Johnny Depp's got the kinda career I want. +Eric: Johhny Depp did "Pirates of the Caribbean". And if I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckling costume and carried a sword. +Turtle: Yeah, but he already dresses like that in real life, though. +% +Shauna: It's like prom; you get your date a corsage and she gives you a hand job. +Turtle: Who the f**k wants a hand job? +% +Ari Gold: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we're gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos. +% +Eric: We gotta get Cameron to see "Queens Boulevard." +Ari Gold: You haven't even seen it yet! +Eric: I saw the scenes that Vince looped today. They looked amazing. +Ari Gold: Great. So you want me to get the biggest director in the game to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing +based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage. +% +Johnny Drama: [at the home of a Hollywood "madam" and her girls] Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your d**k in. +% +Ari Gold: You can have it if you want to live in Agora f**king hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, +a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a +motherf**king Wednesday. +% +Eric: [Eric and Ari are discussing film roles for Vince] Tom Cruise is going to play Pablo Escobar? C'mon, the guy's not even Hispanic. +Ari Gold: Yeah, and Hilary Swank has a vagina, but she won an Oscar pretending she has a d**k. That's what actors do. They pretend. +Eric: All right, I got it. So what if Cruise passes? +Ari Gold: Then they go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves, and on down the list. +Eric: Where is Vince on that list? +Ari Gold: He ain't on the list. +Eric: Well, how do we get him on the list? +Ari Gold: You do "Aquaman," you stupid f**k! +% +Eric: [talking to Vincent, after a director does a rewrite on the "Queens Boulevard" script] He's got you blowing a guy on page 26! +% +Ari Gold: From now on ask my permission before you bang one of my assistants. +Eric: How'd you know that? +Ari Gold: 'Cause I know all. And I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta to fire her so you don't feel weird. +Eric: No. Don't fire her. +Ari Gold: All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits. +% +Ari Gold: [Ari doesn't want Vince to do Queens Blvd] You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinne? Nothing! They don't give you +a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box? +Eric: Well, if anybody could do it, Vince could. +Vince: I do have great balance. +% +Adam Davies: [Adam Davies reveals himself to be the traitor within Ari's coup d'état] You should be a nicer person. Maybe then people +wouldn't f**k you. +Ari Gold: You talked, Davies? +Ari Gold: [Davies turns away to leave] Hey, Adam. +Adam Davies: Yeah, Ari? +Ari Gold: Just so you know, your girlfriend, when she was in the mailroom, offered to blow me. True story. +% +Ari Gold: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an +executioner's mask, and a f**king spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey! +% +Ari Gold: I thought you already were his manager. Because believe me I would not put up with this much s**t from anyone who wasn't. +Eric: Yeah, I know I am, but I want to do it for real, you know? I want to have the conversation, lock it in. +Ari Gold: So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna f**king cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that +you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them. +Eric: He doesn't need me that much. +Ari Gold: Of course he doesn't need you. You're f**king worthless. I could get a million morons to come in here and do the job. That's +not the point. +Eric: Then what is the point, Ari? +Ari Gold: The point is that he is an insecure f**k, like all beautiful-but-handed-everything-on-a-silver-platter people. He doesn't +trust anyone in this world but you. You've been born into royalty baby. You know it. Now you just gotta be thankful, and wear the +crown. +% +Ari Gold: Call me Helen Keller because I'm a f**king miracle worker! +% +Turtle: Come on E, you know friends are just girls you haven't f**ked yet. +% +Ari: I knew you liked d**k, Babs, but i didn't realize you were a c**ksucker! +% +Ari: It's like high school. You can't f**k the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers! +% +Ari: F**k the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-f**k, don’t answer! +% +Johnny Drama: Nobody appreciates their girlfriend. Until they get herpes from the next broad. Know what I'm saying? +% +Ari: There you go, baby -- Men at Work, the land down under...We're gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe, and we're gonna headbutt some goddamn kangaroos. +% +Sierra: What do you mean you were on Kimmel? Is that like 'X'? +Turtle: No, it's a TV show. +Porsche: Do you have any X? +% +Mrs. Gold: uh huh...and what's in the gym bag? +Ari: A kilo of blow. [Ari laughs nervously] What's with all the f**king questions? +Mrs. Gold: [to Eric] He's showing off for you. +% +Ari: You like Gaysian Lloyd? He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas. +% +Ari: [to Eric] I would say hug it out, but I don't want you drawing wood. +% +Lloyd: Ari, swear to me you will never say anything offensive to me about my race or my sexual orientation. +Ari: I can't swear to that, but I promise I WILL always apologize after. +% +Ari: [Berating an agent who attempted to steal Ari's client] You know what other class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's motherf**king clients. But in your case, I am going to make an exception. I am going to take everyone: your B-level sitcom stars, your reality TV writers. When I'm done with you, you're going to be repping sideshow freaks. You need Jojo, the dog-faced bitchboy? call Josh Weinf**k, the light-weight pen-stealing f**kface. [Takes the agent's mimosa and sips from it] That's awful. [dumps the drink] +% +Ari [to Eric]: You know 'The Station Agent,' Eric? Monster hit at Sundance. It's about the midget who lives by the train tracks. Last time I saw him he was in a FedEx commercial. They were overnighting him to London. Sundance is a great festival for little people. You should kill over there. +% +Mrs. Gold: I ask for one hour out of the day for his undivided attention, and I can't even have that. +Ari: You can have it if you want to live in Agora f**king hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, and a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherf**king Wednesday. +% +Ari: All right, when you talk to Dana, tell her I'm going to take the pictures from Cancun, and start a website called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and there will be no password or fee required, and I will take out a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Tell her I want a f**king call back. +% +Ari: [after his Viagra has kicked in, to his angry wife] Come on! I'm like R. Kelly at recess here! +% +Turtle: We saw Kristin in the middle of 40 Deuce with her hands down Vince Vaughn's pants. +Eric: She had her hands down his pants? +Johnny Drama: Yeah, both of 'em. +Eric: Vince Vaughn? That puffy motherf**ker? +Johnny Drama: Nah, bro, he didn't look puffy at all... He was lookin' reeeeal good. +Turtle: Yeah, it was kinda like "Swingers" Vince Vaughn, not Old School Vince Vaughn... it's kinda like Neeewww Schoool Vince Vaughn. +% +[the guys look out towards the Pacific Ocean] +Turtle: What direction is that? +Johnny Drama: That's east, you idiot. +Eric: It's west, idiot. +Johnny Drama: [long pause among the guys] Well, I mean, in New York it's east. +% +Johnny Drama: If you play gay or retarded you get an Oscar. I'd take it in the ass for an Oscar. +Turtle: You'd take in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughleys. +% +Vincent: It's not about the awards. If it's good, I'll do it. +% +Ari: The next one after "Queens Boulevard" is a studio picture: I'm talking franchise, baby. We'll get you the lunchbox. And an action figure with a huge c**k. +Vincent: It's definitely tempting. +Ari: I love you! +% +Gary Busey: You are a gut maggot without guts. +Ari: Geez, you're gonna spin off this planet. That's great! Keep it up! +% +Johnny Drama: I've been working steady for the past twelve years, minus the last three. +% +Vince: [talking to Eric at a Hollywood party] Look at where we are. Did you ever think we'd have this? +% +Eric: Could you get laid without Vince? That's the question. +Turtle: Do I give a f**k, that's the answer. +% +Ari: [When Eric tells him that James Cameron is directing Aquaman] F**k you. Where'd you hear that, Friendster? +% +Ari: Listen, Lloyd, do you want to make it? Or do you want to fold shirts at a Chinese laundry? Now pledge. Nod if you understand what I'm saying. +Lloyd: I understand. +Ari: You can't just f**king nod? +% +Lloyd: How'd it go? +Ari: How'd the f**king Bay of Pigs go, Lloyd? +% +Ari: I wanna f**k Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might actually have a shot. +% +Ari: F**k Peter Hill, never heard of him. +% +Ari: Let's hug it out, bitch. +% +[the guys are talking about their "first time"] +Turtle: Sure, E... you had to beg for p***y on prom night. +Eric: Yeah, but I begged my GIRLFRIEND, Turtle... not some $40 hooker who declined my mother's credit card. +% +Ari: [yelling to another driver on the road] Is that the way they drive in Tiananmen Square, bitch? +% +Ari: [to his assistant Lloyd] *nodding drunkenly* That was a good speech Lloyd...If I was 25 and liked c**k, we could be something... +% +Ari: Smoke more Weed Turtle, Seriously, smoke more weed. +% +Drama: Back off a little, you're too close! +Turtle: We're two cars back. What do you want from me? +Drama: Always keep two-fifths of a block between you and your subject. +Turtle: Oh what, you've done this before Drama? +Drama: Too many times Turtle, too many times. +% +Ari: Great work, Rob. Great work. See if you can read this: [Writing on dry-erase board] Get the f**k out! You're fired, and in case your ears are f**ked, Get. The F**k. Out! And the next person I see juggling, tap dancing, or baton twirling or doing any other circus-like tricks, will join him, all right? One-strike policy applies. Now get back to work. God damn that felt good. +% +Ari: You s**tty dime-store therapist. A man's life is on the line here, and all you give a f**k about is beating some stupid club record that will do what for you? Give you five minutes of pleasure while you f**k your unpaid emasculated husband tonight? How the f**k does he afford this place anyway? Isn't he a guidance counselor at a high school? +% +Ari: Everybody stop. I didn't go to the Lakers game because they're playing the f**king Bobcats. And I came here today, because I thought this was a session on how my wife could learn to communicate. How to answer a question without a question. Basic Humanity 101. Which I thought, given your wall of f**king diplomas, you could easily fix. Or if you couldn't, you could give her a pill that would either fix it or make her a mute. But now, to turn around and gang up on me, I have work to do. I have hundreds of clients to deal with, and just so we're clear, I don't care about any of them. They're all just a number - like wife #1 and therapist #7. Good day. +Mrs. Ari: You're really only our 5th. +% +Eric: She thinks I'm a freak. +Turtle: You hit her with the unsolicited snuggle. You are a freak. +% +(discussing E's 'accident' of waking up snuggling Sloan's friend after their threesome) +Drama: Freud says there are no accidents... +Eric: Oh yeah? You two crossed swords during your threesome... accident? +% +Ari: My life is over [shouting drunk, out of Lloyd's car window] +Lloyd You'll bounce back Ari Gold! +Ari: I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes, and I'm going home in a prop car from the fast and the furious, I just don't see it Lloyd... +% +The Sherpa: The Earth is moving. Did you feel that? Everything. All the time. Dimensions we can't even see. Everything is evolving. Turtle, you're a dove. +Turtle: That's cool. Can I hit that, Sherp? Thanks. +Eric: You afraid of getting busted? +The Sherpa: Busted? I'm entrusted, man. I don't steal. I heal. We're not getting stoned. We're getting honed. My probation officer's one of my best customers. I'm a prisoner. I'm a prisoner of, uh, war. War on drugs. It's all so negative, man. I mean, the Man's most positive positive-tive is a nega-tive. It's a mega-nega-tive. Right? [shouts] Viking Quest! Let them be low. We are getting *high*. We're not getting f**ked down. We're getting f**ked up. +% +Justine Chapin: [Justine and Vince are flirting in a club] You're gonna have to work for it. +Vince: I got into this business so I wouldn't have to work. +% +Vince: Look, you got what you wanted, I'm officially out of control. +% +Vince: I know you all need me, but I'll call you if I need any of you. +% +Mark Cuban: If you f**k me, you know what's gonna happen? +Asst: He's going to make Gordon Gecko look like Mary Poppins... +% +Turtle: How many yachts can you water ski behind? +Mark Cuban: Are you quoting Wall Street? +Asst: Greed is good baby! +% +E: You can't bang my assistant. +Drama: What? You don't think I can get her? +% +Drama: Unless he's distributing, this is a large bag of cocaine he's holding. +Billy: That is kind of Tony Montana style. +% +Ari: I'm here, I'm present, I'm suffering. No phone, Blackberries or carrier pigeons. +% +Ari: Jonah, next time - boy's night out. These girls are annoying. +% +Richard Branson: I'm in family mode too, so... +Ari: Yes. Well played sir. I love your family. +Mrs. Gold: ARI! +Ari: Honey, he has twins. How rare is that? +% +Ari: I don't want to speak to her. +Jake: Should I tell her that? +Ari: Tell her I want her to die! +% +Ari [to Amanda]: You're sorry? You're sorry for what? You're sorry for leaking slanderous out of context nonsense about me huh? And then rifling through all my hard work to steal my football team? F**k you, ok? F**k you. And now hold on a second. I'd never hit a woman in my entire life but I swear to God in my mind right now I am pummeling your smug face to a pulp for everything you did to me, my career and my family. But not to worry all right. Because I will prevail, because I'm a winner and you're a whore with more cleavage than talent. And I will not stop untill I destroy you. +% +Therepist: I'm sorry, we'll have to stop soon. Ari, can you respond to this request? +Ari: No, who could.. and f**k you with your f**king clock! +% +Therapist: It's nice to see that you find your voice. +Ari: When did she not had her voice? +% +Ari: Why don't we start the day off with some hugs and kisses? Everyone except for you and me Lloyd, that ain't happening. +% +Ari: Listen sweetheart. You wanna call and butter me up with sympathy and then drop this on me because you think that I'm down and will take anything - let me explain this to you in a metaphor you will understand. I am sure there are guys who have fingered you in the ass long enough that eventually you let them f**k it. And now you think you got me bent over with your finger in my ass thinking I will let you do the same. I am not like you Dana. You will not FUCK ME IN THE ASS, VINCE WILL NOT PISS IN A CUP FOR YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE. +% +Vince: She has sex on camera, which all of us do on some level. +% +Billy Walsh: Vince and your body double down the hall there were doing a little sniffle sniffle at the party the other night. +% +Lloyd: I always imagined a double teaming would be more fun than that. +% +Ari: If you don't want to talk and you don't want to have sex, what else is there to do in here? +Mrs. Gold: Do you want to talk? +Ari: I'd rather have sex. +% +Ari: I don't make the rules. Not all of them anyways. +% +Dana: I'm pushing 40, I don't have a man. I want a baby... with your sperm. +% +Ari: I love you Dana, and if I'd ever cheat on my wife it will be you I'm f**king. +% +Turtle: I sent ten to James Cameron. +Alex: Can you call him? +Turtle: No, he's The Terminator. +% +Ari: I'll give her a scoop. +Barbara: Oh you got one? +Ari: I'll tell her you blew Mickey Rooney and gargled with it. +% +Ari: Deadline Hollywood would run a story about me having a loose stool, much less tapes. +% +Ari: I don't care if Justin Bieber calls and wants me to negotiate the rights to his virginity, I don't want to talk to him. +% +Billy; You seem angry, Drama. +Drama: I've always been, Billy. Only now, I'm drunk too. +% +Ari: E, I'll call you in an hour, make sure you're dopplegangbanger stays off the line. +% +Drama: The landing strip went out in the mid nineties. It's the truth. Everyone goes smooth nowadays. +% +Vinnie: How was it? +Turtle: For me or for her? +Drama: Well, we know it couldn't have been any good for her, so let's hear about you. +% +Ari: No [Andrew]'s not coming back. He's a coke fiend sex addict who wrote checks out of this company's account to buy hookers. So no, he will never work here again. +% +Ari: You know [Lizzie] f**ked Andrew? That's what caused this whole spiral. It wasn't the drugs, it was her evil p***y that lured him in. +% +Ari [to Andrew Sorkin about Jessica Simpson]: She looks great and she's single. You know what John Mayer said about her. Sexual napalm. You love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like victory. +% +Ari [to Andrew Sorkin]: I'm now on Facebook because of you. I've got 600 friends. [Looks at Jessica Simpson] And John Mayer is not one of them. +% +Lloyd [about the dog]: Isn't he delicious? +Ari: Find something else to cook for dinner. Jessica is taking him. +% +Ari [to Amanda]: Please don't tell me you're the one who picked up the straight Lizzie from the harsh gutter of life. +% +Ari: I think your eye is growing cataracts because as you see by the day's events, anyone she wants or has, be it a sitcom actor or a circus freak, I'm going after. +% +Drama: It's not called show friends. It's called show business! +% +Mike Tyson: I wanna do like the black Brady Bunch. I'm trying to rehab my image. I want to spread some of that worldly wisdom that I picked up on my journey in life. +Ari: And then if Bobby doesn't listen to you, you bite his ear off. +% +Lloyd: Feels like old times. +Ari: You want a demotion? +% +Ari: That's what marriage is for: so you can bang out your anger. +% +Turtle: We made out all night. +Scott: Where? At the freshman dance? +% +Drama: Are you kidding me? Vagina in my third favorite hole. +% +Assistant: I couldn't find out what Katzenberg likes to eat. +Ari: He lives off Diet Coke, you see how lean he is? +% +Assistant: Ari, you don't have to be nervous. You're gonna do great. +Ari: What are you, my life coach? +% +Ari [off to speak with Lizzy who is leaving the company]: Send 'm off with sweetness Jake! Hopefully you won't have to taste my sugar any time soon. +Assistant: Yeah, let's hope. +% +Ari: Well I was hoping that we could part on good terms. +Lizzy: You can go f**k yourself Ari. +Ari: Now is that nice? I'm preparing a nice severance package for you. You don't want me angry when I'm writing you a check, do you? +% +Lizzy: You screwed me. And I'm gonna do everything I can to pay you back. +Ari: Is it that time of the month for you Lizzy? Because I think that your hormones are making your brain forget WHO YOU'RE THREATENING. +% +Ari: I did play a little [football] in high school. I was pretty good for a Jew. +% +Ari: Barbara Miller has committed ten million dollars and agreed to work for free as the mascot. How about that? The L.A. Cougars. +% +Ari (after hanging up on Katzenberg): Call my wife. I may even take her to dinner. You go to dinner as well on me. You got a girl? +Jake: Not right now. +Ari: Well you want cash for a hooker? Either way. +% +Ari: Andrew! What a tragic time to be calling. I just landed an NFL team in Los Angeles and if you didn't blow your entire career up your nose you'd be banging cheerleaders up in a luxury box with us. +% +Ari: Don't try to get intimate with me Jake, it makes me uncomfortable. +% +Drama: Ping pong rally is on! It's gonna be a long day for Uncle Jesse. +% +Drama: That's not my hat, is it bro? +% +Ari: This family's going to own an NFL team and we're going to talk about it 24 hours a day. +% +Lizzie: Ari, I'm not satisfied. +Ari: Sorry kid. I'm not the guy that's going to satisfy you. +% +Ari: I would have spun Lloyd around if he was in front of me and if I could lift him. +% +Jerry: How would you like to own an NFL team Mr. Gold? +Ari: I love you - I love it. +% +Mrs. Ari: [This chandelier] is murano glass and it was originally owned by Sophie Loren. +Ari: I'd rather look at nude photos of her original body. +% +Lizzy: I'm not asking you because I need you, but I'm on the verge of signing an executive producer from Glee. +Ari: I don't sing. +% +Turtle: I like to be liked, and I hate to be hated. +% +Drama: Look, E, I know we've had our ups and downs but I want you to know I appreciate this. +Eric: Have we had downs? +Drama: No, but we probably will if we work together. +% +Lizzie: Anything else? +Ari: Yeah, button up. This is the NFL, not the NBA. +% +Lizzie: You got the meeting? +Ari: Yeah. +Lizzie: Shit that's impressive. +Ari: Yeah. I'd blow myself if I were more flexible. +% +Ari: You have three kids from three different men. You've slept with everyone's ex. +% +Drama: You're a really good brother. I'm glad you didn't die. +% +Ari: This is now the biggest agency in the world. And I'm the head of it. Which makes me the biggest agent in the world. Now, can anyone tell me why I chose to be the biggest agent in the world? It's so I can stop being a f**king agent. So don't tell me to show the love, that's what I pay you people for. +% +Ari: Someone find out why we're not selling the NFL rights. +Agent: They do it internally. +Ari: Well they shouldn't so somebody get me a meeting +% +Ari: E, long time hear. You married yet? +E: Yeah October Ari. I assume you'll be there? +Ari: Listen. Can I keep the little groom from the top of the cake just in case Sloan never lets you out of the house again? I could carry you around in my pocket like I always dreamed of. +% +E: Come on Ari, you're the perfect picture of marital bliss. +Ari: Like a hostage with a machete to its neck you have to put on a good face for the camera. +% +E: You represent the guy. +Ari: I represent everyone now, Eric. +% +Ari: Well tell the school, that when they schedule a parent-teacher conference for 2:30 on a weekday, that's just their way of saying we don't care about daddy. +% +Ari: Jesus Christ you all suck. If I wouldn't have a five year lease on this place I would shut it down and work out of a cardboard box by myself. +% +Vincent: You know Will Smith did all his own stunts in Hancock? +Drama: Will's an athlete, bro. I bowled with him. +% +Paul: They wanted someone prettier. +Drama: Dean Cain is prettier than me? [silence] Hello? +% +Ari: Maybe they don't want to make a show with you Drama. +Drama: They gave me a holding deal. +Ari: The guy who grills my hot dog at Carney's had a holding deal in 1978. +% +Ari [on Cassavetes]: He comes from a family of method actors. They'll eat glass if it's in the script. +% +Ari: Even with a million-man army you sometimes have to do the grunt work yourself. Saddam Hussein had to hang a few without his assistants. +%
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