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| author | azertyfun | 2019-02-09 09:40:05 +0100 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | azertyfun | 2019-02-09 09:40:05 +0100 |
| commit | 2eed64e2c9c1d1a5a2e009cd11c89409c33cbc5a (patch) | |
| tree | 52d999df3d15dcb3fea9c1d25b16b82fc206d14e /parks-and-recreation.1-3 | |
| parent | 5768c53c271c3f09a7144b929a5e1a5426dcee3a (diff) | |
| download | aur-fortune-mod-parks-and-recreation.tar.gz | |
Re-joined split files thanks to size improvement with new parser
Diffstat (limited to 'parks-and-recreation.1-3')
| -rw-r--r-- | parks-and-recreation.1-3 | 5773 |
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diff --git a/parks-and-recreation.1-3 b/parks-and-recreation.1-3 deleted file mode 100644 index 4cd1a60ba2e0..000000000000 --- a/parks-and-recreation.1-3 +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5773 +0,0 @@ - — Leslie: What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me. -% - — Ron: I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this -parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I -think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the -park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck -E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for -Chuck E. Cheese. -% - — Man: Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea. - — Mark: Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your -support? - — Man: Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool -for the kids? - — Mark: Oh, how old are your kids? - — Man: No kids. - — Tom: Uh-oh. - — April: I'm gonna put him down as a "yes." - — Mark: Don't do that. - — Man: Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? -Because, y'know, I really can't move again. - — Mark: April, please stand behind me. -% - — Lawrence: Hey park lady! You suck. - — Leslie: Hear that? He called me park lady. -% - — Leslie: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that -just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - -when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by -those remaining penises. One penis in particular... -% - — Ron: Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble. - — Tom: I know. You're destroying me. - — Ron: You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks -at camera] And she's a bitch. - — Tom: Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing. - — Ron: Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and -she's a serious bitch. -% - — Tom: When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your -power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind -of politician. - -[cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart] - - — Tom: Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. -[turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the next -one. -% - — Ron: My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room -at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is -chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, -like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them. -% - — Leslie: In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every -acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel -Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians -after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face -off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into -rainsticks. And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used -every part of the pioneer. -% - — Ann: Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine Restrepo? -% - — Andy: The band has had a few different names over the years. When we -started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then -we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, -Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With -Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis -Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long -pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow -Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it... -% -[Mark goes up to Ron] - - — Mark: Hey Parks Department. - — Ron: Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister. - — Beth: Nice to meet you. - — Mark: Nice to meet you. You guys are together? - — Ron: Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last -week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we -started dating. It's like a fairy tale. - — Beth: Tammy stinks. - -[Mark goes up to Tom] - - — Tom: Brendanawicz! - — Mark: Hey Tom. - — Tom: Hey, I want you to meet my wife. - — Wendy: Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford. - — Mark: [shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife? - — Wendy: Don't hold it against me. - — Tom: Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She -makes a ton of money! BAM! - -[Mark goes up to April] - - — April: This is Derek. - — Mark: Cool. How long you guys been dating? - — April: We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but -I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes. - — Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so. - — April: I don't want to talk to you. -% -— Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement? - — Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet. -% - — Leslie: Pawnee has a gay bar? - — Ron: Yeah, The Bulge. - — Everyone: ... - — Ron: It's behind my house. - — Leslie: The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there... -% - — April: This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben. - — Ben: Hey. - — Leslie: Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation? - — April: What do you mean? - — Leslie: How does this work? - — April: Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and -Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben. - — Derek: It's not that complicated. -% - — Donna: Hey. Why are you all dolled up? - — Leslie: Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar -tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think -I'm fabulous or something... - — Donna: Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight. - — Leslie: Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down -the best interaction I've ever had with Donna! -% - — Leslie: [drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And -they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are. -And who they are is just stone-cold gay. -% - — Ron: Have fun last night? - — Leslie: I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben -and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my -actual bra size. - — Ron: ... - — Leslie: I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays! - — Ron: Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee -Today. - — Leslie: Wow that's huge! What's the topic? - — Ron: You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your -resignation. - — Leslie: No! - — Ron: You gotta go on and defend yourself. - — Leslie: Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage. - — Ron: That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays. - — Leslie: ...That was me. -% - — Joan Callamezzo: So Marcia what's all this fuss about? - — Marcia: The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating -for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a -pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge. - — Joan Callamezzo: Miss Knope, how do you respond? - — Leslie: I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone. -I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to -perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo. - — Joan Callamezzo: I have to say that that stunt that you did with the -penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss -Knope do to make it right? - — Marcia: Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable. - — Joan Callamezzo: Of course not. - — Marcia: We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the -marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and -then resign. - — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to -jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri? - — Marcia: Move to a different town! No, I kid. -% - — Leslie: I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked -marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was -kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there -wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie. -% - — Ann: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess -the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had -been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille. -% -[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office] - - — April: Do you live here? - — Ron: April? - — April: Yeah. Do you live here? - — Ron: No. - — April: Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] -Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was -something wrong with you so I came back. - — Ron: It's just a minor medical issue. - — April: AIDS? - — Ron: ...No I'm safe. - — April: Blindness? - — Ron: ...No. - — April: Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee? - — Ron: I have a hernia. - — April: Do you have syphilis? - — Ron: I said it's a hernia. - — April: I know. It's possible to have two things. -% - — Dave: I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I -didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my -life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. -As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a -sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore. -% -[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him -to the hospital. April enters.] - - — April: Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his -keys. You ready? - — Ron: I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson. -% - — Tom: I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to -look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you -call in favors for? -% - — Leslie: You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty -rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between -Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The -original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change -it for...obvious reasons. -% - — Councilman Dexhart [at his press conference] And to my wife, I apologize. -All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful -woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned. -Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the -underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in a cave in Brazil. In -my defense, it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. -% - — Mark: Hey hi there! What are you doing here? - — Ann: Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to? - — Mark: Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a -game that we're playing. - — Ann: ...My taxes pay your salary right? - — Mark: Yeah... - — Ann: Cool. -% - — Ann: And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life." - — Leslie: Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow -night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, -a pair of cargo pants? - — Ann: Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant. - — Leslie: What about like a sexy hat? - — Ann: I don't know what that even is. - — Leslie: Helping already! -% - — Leslie: Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question? - — Ann: Shoot! - — Leslie: What if he asks me if I've been married? - — Ann: Have you!? - — Leslie: No. - — Ann: Well then say that. - — Leslie: But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what -I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I -say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right? - — Ann: Whoa. - — Leslie: What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not -enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?! -% - — Ann: Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it- - — Leslie: I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a -table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But -let me tell you something Ann! It never works!! - — Ann: No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice -date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me. - — Leslie: Ohhh! That's a way better idea! -% - — Ann: You're 20 minutes late, I almost left! - — Leslie: Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off. - — Ann: What's your niece's name? - — Leslie: Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a -niece...My niece's name is Stephanie? -% - — Jerry: Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid -parking ticket. - — Mark: That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive -mother was arrested for marijuana possession. - — Donna: Oh snap! - — Jerry: What? - — Mark: You didn't know that, huh? - — Jerry: ...I didn't know I was adopted... -% - — Leslie: What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves -catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I -accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay -awake? - — Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't -happen. - — Leslie: They have happened. All of these have happened to me. - -[cut to Leslie being interviewed] - - — Leslie: Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire -bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy -who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a -guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. -Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep -he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my -mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird. -% - — Ann: You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me. - — Leslie: Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is -blank. - — Ann: Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head. - — Leslie: How big is it? - — Ann: ...Really!? - — Leslie: Oh my God. -% - — Ann: Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if -everything goes wrong, you'll survive. - — Leslie: Well well well, you coy bastard. -% - — Leslie: Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I -nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at -a guys house late at night... -% - — April: Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on me -yet? Hello!! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's -video...That I took...On the internet!! -% - — Leslie: Hey can I smoke in here? - — Ron: You don't smoke. - — Leslie: Just asking if I can. - — Ron: Are you high? - — Leslie: I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness. - — Ron: That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm -sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City -Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed! - — Leslie: ...Ron I am so so so sorry!! - — Ron: What the ka-fuck were you thinking? -% -[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages] - - — Leslie: [beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's -your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want -to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city -hall...or call me back. Just call me back! - -[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer? -It's because of your lawyer. - - -[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I -don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus -now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall... - - -[beep] HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN! - - -[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must -go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall. - - — Tom: Hmm that was weird. - — Leslie: How long have you been there!? -% - — Leslie: I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money. - — Ann: Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on -the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man -who thinks like a gopher. -% -[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school] - - — Leslie: Greg Pikitis. - — Greg: You're the parks lady right? - — Leslie: Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here -to tell you that this year, it ends. - -[Cut to Leslie being interviewed] - - — Leslie: Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He -absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the -statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've -never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, -supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I -really feel like it's this kid! - -[Cut back to Leslie and Greg] - - — Leslie: Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a -cop. So don't even try it! - — Greg: I don't know what you're talking about. - — Leslie: Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day. - -[Leslie starts walking away] - - — Greg: Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great. - — Leslie: Thank you...Ends today! -% - — Ann: Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't -have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own -stomachs this year!! -% - — Leslie: Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg -Pikitis' house to the statue. - — Ann: That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial -killer. - — Leslie: In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication. -% -[At the statue of Mayor Percy] - - — Leslie: Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. -During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning -building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel. - — Dave: Didn't like 30 people die in that fire? - — Leslie: [sigh] He wasn't Superman. - — Andy: He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on? - — Leslie: No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just -said? - — Andy: ...Yes. -% - — Leslie: You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to. - — Dave: Don't do that. - — Leslie: Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force. - — Dave: Don't use excessive force. - — Leslie: Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary. - — Dave: Nope. - — Leslie: No, just stop him. -% -[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized] - - — Leslie: PIKITIS!! -% - — Dave: We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been -somebody else. - — Leslie: It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now? - — Dave: That doesn't mean anything to me. - — Leslie: This is a peach pit! - — Dave: Okay. - — Leslie: He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his -ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his -victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!! - — Dave: We don't have a lab... -% - — Dr. Harris: Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave. - — Ann: Oh, Okay. - — Dr. Harris: This isn't that fun. - — Ann: Didn't need to tell me that. -% - — April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much -fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out -with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing. -% - — Greg: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard! - — Andy: Why don't you just shut up for a second! - — Leslie: What's going on in here? - — Andy: He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say -to a human being! - — Greg: Are you crying? - — Andy: I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!! -% - — Greg: Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night? - — Leslie: Because I followed you genius!! - — Greg: If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me!! -Knope! What is your problem!!? - — Leslie: Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!!! -% -[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house] - - — Dave: Leslie! What are you doing? - — Leslie: Oh boy. - — Greg's Real Mom: That's them officer! Right there! - — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house! - — Greg's Real Mom: Why are you doing this!? - — Leslie: It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on -this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the -address wrong! - — Greg's Real Mom: I'm Greg's Mom. - — Leslie: ...You are? - — Greg's Real Mom: Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of -trouble? - — Leslie: What!? - — Greg's Real Mom: Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and -hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB!! Greg! -Gregory!! - — Leslie: I knew it!! - — Dave: Oh my God! - — Andy: Dude! That kid is amazing! -% -[After catching Greg defacing the statue] - - — Leslie: How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know! - — Greg: Maybe the FBI can figure it out. - — Andy: Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid! - — Greg: Wow. You're amazing. - — Leslie: Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time. - — Dave: He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor. - — Leslie: Well we'll let the jury decide. - — Dave: There's not going to be a jury... - — Leslie: Then the Judge will decide where he goes! - — Dave: He's gonna do probation, he's a minor... - — Leslie: Dave just let me have this! -% - — Leslie: News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library. - — Tom: Punk ass book jockeys! - — Ann: Wait why do we hate the library? - — Leslie: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in -history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them -very dangerous. -% - — Mark: The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson. - — Leslie: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates -her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same? - — Tom: Leslie. You're thinking out loud again. - — Leslie: Am I? I am. -% - — Tom: I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause -then there's more room for me on the low road. -% - — Leslie: Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch -of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of -shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shhhing. -% - — Ron: Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. -That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in -the world. - — Leslie: I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can -use. Does she have any weaknesses? - — Ron: No. - — Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness. - — Ron: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone -in the future to come back and destroy all happiness. -% - — Ron: On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side -so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last -time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love -what's the point of living? -% - — Leslie: Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago. - — Tammy Two: You have a lot of nerve showing your face here. - — Leslie: Excuse me? - — Tammy Two: You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy. - — Leslie: That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty -pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know -what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and -I'll see you in Hell!! -% - — Leslie: I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set -and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with -asthma to watch other kids play. - — Tammy Two: Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably -wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase. - — Leslie: Well that's...that's the goal Tammy. -% - — Ron: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of -Satan's butthole? -% - — Leslie: I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. -Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends. - — Ron: You slept with Brendanawicz? - — Leslie: ...No! -% - — Tammy Two: It's really good to see you Ron. - — Ron: You've aged horribly. - — Tammy Two: You...son of a bitch! - — Ron: That didn't take long. - — Tammy Two: Oh my God!! What is your problem?!! Nothing's changed has it!!? -% - — Ron: We didn't talk. We made love. - — Leslie: Oh my. Mmm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy— - — Ron: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers -began. You know what I mean? - — Leslie: Yeah... - — Ron: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have...that. -The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours. - — Leslie: This seems like a private matter, but I'm— - — Ron: That woman really knows her way around a penis. -% - — Ron: Why don't you take the rest of the day off? - — Leslie: ... - — Ron: I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really -who cares? - — Leslie: I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember? - — Ron: But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a -park or a museum or a mega-church. - — Leslie: ...Or a library. - — Ron: ...Nobody said library. - — Leslie: Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot? - — Ron: No, I swear on...a grave. - — Leslie: Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot? - — Ron: Not giving. We have discussed a trade. - — Leslie: For what!? - — Ron: [mumbles something] - — Leslie: Excuse me? - — Ron: ...More sex. -% - — Leslie: I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just -using him to get Lot 48 for your library. - — Tammy Two: Leslie that's crazy...and correct. - — Leslie: Why are you doing this? - — Tammy Two: Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women -who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are -women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor -Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra. - — Leslie: [being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra -over Eleanor Roosevelt!!!??? - — Tammy Two: Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you -could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. -You should come join us sometime. -% - — Ron: You've gotta help me break up with her. - — Leslie: I don't think I should get involved in this. - — Ron: Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's -changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!" -% - — Leslie: So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or -would you rather wait outside? - — Ron: In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp. - — Leslie: Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye -contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted -plant. Can you do that? -% - — Leslie: So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end -this relationship. - — Tammy Two: Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him? - — Ron: She volunteered. - — Tammy Two: Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to -do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself -around me like a coiled snake. -% - — Ron: I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her. - — Leslie: God Ron, you have to! - — Tammy Two: Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we -have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is -all about. - — Leslie: No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no. - — Tammy Two: Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating -you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and -face. -% - — Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma— - — Tom: You said "murinal!" - -[Everyone laughs] - - — Jerry: No, I didn't. - — Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it. - — Jerry: Anyway, she— - — April: Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people -can murinate all over it? - — Tom: Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection. - -[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated] - - — Jerry: ...Just wanted to show you my art... - — Everyone: Murinal! Murinal! Murinal! - — Leslie: Disqualified! - -[cut to Jerry being interviewed] - - — Jerry: It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the -town— - — Tom: [from other room] No one cares! At all! -% - — Leslie: Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold -decision: we're playing it safe. -% - — Leslie: The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and -deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they -let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys -in the office. - — Tom: Not all the guys. He's never taken me. - — Leslie: Fine. All the men. -% - — Leslie: Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies to -be included on your hunting trip. - — Ron: Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie. - — Leslie: You're literally listening to turkey calls! - — Ron: Oh is this not rap? -% - — Ron: Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a -beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt. - — Mark & Jerry: Here here! - — Leslie: And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find -the beast within. - -[everyone except Ron cheers] - - — Tom: Ron your toast sucked. -% - — Ann: Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together. - — Leslie: Oh Ann, I always forget since your so pretty you're not used to -rejection. -% - — Leslie: Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!? - — Ron: I was shot in the head with a shotgun!! - — Ann: Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay? - — Ron: Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry!!! I find that relaxes me!!! -% - — Ann: Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed? - — Ron: When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is -that normal? - — Leslie: Is that normal? - — Ann: Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it -for menstrual cramps. How many did you take? - — Ron: Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows -the empty bottle of scotch] - — Ann: No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge -right now okay? - — Ron: No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch. - — Ann: Can you open his mouth Leslie? - — Leslie: What? - — Ann: Open his mouth! - — Leslie: Okay. - — Ron: I'm not making myself throw up. - — Ann: Ron you have to. - — Leslie: I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good! - — Ron: I will bite you!! - — Ann: Grab his mustache!! - — Leslie: OPEN YOUR MOUTH!! - — Ron: AHHHHHHHH!!!! -% - — Tom: On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he? -% - — Leslie: I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with -Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at -something they love. -% - — Leslie: Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they -shot Ron in the head. - — Tom: Maybe Ron shot himself. - — Leslie: Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately. - — Mark: He was shot in the back of the head! - — Leslie: You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot -himself there! - — Tom: It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group. - — Jerry: You think someone is hunting us? - — Tom: Man is the most dangerous game. - — Donna: For the Predator!! - — Tom: I did smell something out there and it wasn't human. - — Leslie: That was pine trees. - — Donna: The predator can see heat. - — Tom: We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there. -% -[After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron in the head, the Parks Ranger -thinks it all has to do with her being a woman] - - — Park Ranger: So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire -field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision. - — Leslie: No, I'm an excellent hunter. - — Park Ranger: How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then? - — Leslie: Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my -gun went off. - — Park Ranger: Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on. - — Leslie: Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I -saw a quail and I shot at it. - — Park Ranger: In mid-trip? - — Leslie: No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. -That's what happened, end of story. - — Park Ranger: Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the -excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right? - — Leslie: [jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best -of me. -I just, I cared too much, I guess. -I was thinking with my lady-parts. -I was walking and I felt something icky. -I thought there was gonna be chocolate. -I don't even remember. -I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it -threw me off. -All I wanna do is have babies!. -Are you single? -I'm just, like, going through a thing right now. -I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone. -This would not happen if I had a penis! - -[While putting on lipstick] What? - -Bitches be crazy. -I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid. -% - — Ron: You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch -it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the -head. - — Leslie: Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend. - — Ron: Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's -restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head. - — Leslie: Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you- - — Ron: Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did -that!! -% - — Ron: Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate -examined you could come by and shoot me in the head. -% - — Ron: [to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I -lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron. - — Tom: Dude Ron I'm so sorry. - — Ron: Apology not accepted moron. -% - — Leslie: The fourth floor is awful! The DMV, Divorce Filings, Probation -Offices ugh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, -but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their -throats replaced. -% - — Jerry: There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is -called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 -years. -% - — Waiter: You ready to order? - — Donna: Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap. - — Leslie: I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please. - — Waiter: How do you want that cooked? - — Leslie: Medium Roar. - — Waiter: Medium rare? - — Leslie: No, medium roar. - — Waiter: For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the -temperature of the meats anymore. -% - — Ron: Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be -some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out -once the fake dust settles? - — Tom: Yeah. Why not? Sure. - — Ron: Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size -for me. I'm gonna take a leak. - — Tom: ... -% - — Ron: This seems like none of our business. - — Leslie: Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a -guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I." - — April: That was a really good Ron. - — Leslie: Thank you. -% - — Bill Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new -scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it -the nurse who delivered our love child? - — Leslie: What? - — Bill Dexhart: Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got -the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex with -not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose husband -was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? Was it -the liver lady? - — Leslie: Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever. -In my whole life. - — Bill Dexhart: Oh! - — Leslie: Believe me I would have remembered this. - — Bill Dexhart: Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was -just a funny prank. -% - — Ron: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation -didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight. - — April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal. - — Ron: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't -have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport. -% - — Ann: What is your ideal man? - — Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden. -% - — Tom: Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His -name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio! - — Jean-Ralphio: Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor -to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, -daaaaaaamn! - — Ron: Uh, take a seat. - — Jean-Ralphio: Right, here we go. - — Ron: So Jean-Ralphio... - — Jean-Ralphio: You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep. - — Ron: Why do I want you as my assistant? - — Jean-Ralphio: For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just -for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your -family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there -tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have -questions? - — Tom: I think our only question is when can you start? - — Jean-Ralphio: Right now. Let's do it. - — Ron: Thank you for coming in. We will talk. - — Jean-Ralphio: Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me -up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right? - — Tom: Take care, buddy. - — Jean-Ralphio: Boom. - — Tom: So what do you think of your new assistant? - — Ron: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now. -% - — Applicant: Sorry what do I get out of this? - — Tom: Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee. - — Applicant: I have to pay you two grand if I get hired? - — Tom: I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, -"it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing." -% - — Tom: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town -are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's -going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994. -% - — Ann: This newspaper's from November 1986. - — Leslie: The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out. - — Ann: I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from -herself. -% -[Watching the NutriYums Ad] - - — Leslie: Wow that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they're all -wearing vests. -% - — Tom: Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving -a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend... - — Andy: [immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. -Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing. - — April: I'll go, too. - — Tom: Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape -of your grandparents. - — April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not? - — Tom: Alright. See you guys later. - — Andy: I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make -love. -% - — Tom: Can't believe these things are healthy. - — Andy: It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious. - — Donna: No they're not. - — Andy: Yeah they actually have rice in them so... - — Donna: Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple. -% - — Ann: Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee -is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just -husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em. -% -[Leslie and Ann are at the library] - - — Leslie: I hate it here, this place is evil. - — Ann: I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label. - — Leslie: Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something interesting. -Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out - — Ann: They have sensors! Just check them out it's free. - -[They walk up to the front desk] - - — Leslie: Hi Marcy. - — Marcy: Leslie!! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh -I guess not! It's a movie. - — Leslie: Your pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the -internet. - — Marcy: ...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called -MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM. - — Leslie: NO I DON'T! - — Marcy: Yeah. You do. - — Leslie: ...Ann grab the movies!!! GO! GO! GO! GO! - -[Leslie makes a huge mess as she and Ann run away] - - — Leslie: PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!! -% - — Ron: Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you -want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, -you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful. -% -[After Ann's presentation at the public forum] - - — Ann: Any questions? - — Man #1: If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good? - — Ann: Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes? - — Woman: But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and -muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible. - — Ann: Right. [turns to someone else] - — Man #2: What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. -Syrup comes from a bush. - — Ann: Oh boy. [turns to someone else] - — Man #3: How do we know you're really a nurse? - — Ann: I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's. - — Man #3: Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number -so he can have it. - — Ann: Yeah that's not gonna happen. - — Man #3: Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL. - — Ann: Oh my God. No! - — Man #4: I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and mayonnaise -sandwiches. - — Ann: That's not a good idea. - — Man #4: Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant] - — Ann: [to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week. - — Leslie: I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than -usual! -% - — Leslie: Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't -you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their -bodies? Right everybody? - — Random Citizen: Is Shoelace here!!?? Where's Shoelace!!? - — Nick Newport Jr.: Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice -lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver? - — Denver: Everybody! Check under your seats! - -[Everyone finds free Sweetums stuff under their seats and starts cheering] - - — Leslie: Denver you little son of a bitch. -% - — Leslie: It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these -seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, -but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to -April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and -Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows. - — Jerry: I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle -many times. - — Leslie: Whatever. -% - — Wendy: Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you -did for me, but I only see us as friends. - — Tom: For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we -added...doin' it. -% - — Leslie: They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman. - — Ron: What's going on? - — April: You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like. - — Ron: ...Well it's about time. -% - — Andy: You're like an angel with no wings. - — April: So like a person... -% - — Leslie: I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake. - — Ron: [sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a -mistake!? - — Leslie: I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give -that award to women. - — Ron: Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter. - — Leslie: Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project. - — Ron: Ah yes Camp Xena. - — Leslie: Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name. - — Ron: Well I almost got it. I was pretty close. - — Leslie: No. -% - — Leslie: How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take -care of that did you? - — Ron: Nope. Passed the buck to Donna. - — Leslie: That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner. - — Ron: Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won -an award. -% - — Leslie: Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and -miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for -her achievements. What do you have Ron!? - — Ron: I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in -female stuff. - — Leslie: Dorothy Everton Smyth!! I swear to God... -% - — Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. - — Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games. -% - — Tom: Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry? - — Jerry: Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife. - — Tom: Jerry get out. -% - — Elise Yarktin: The media has all but written us off as a niche interest -group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as -yourself well then eventually people take notice. - — Ron: I don't want the damn thing. - — Elise Yarktin: Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take -it...like a man. So congratulations! - -[cut to Leslie being interviewed] - - — Leslie: The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the -kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists -like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!? -% - — Jean-Ralphio: What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. -Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I -definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right -here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the -club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura -Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just -bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, -bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy? - — Donna: I'm out. - — Tom: Why?! - — Donna: I hate that guy. -% - — Elise Yarktin: Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only. - — Leslie: Ugh get over yourself Elise. - — Ron: Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean. -% - — Leslie: Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole -of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks -department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on -the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school -cafeteria. -% - — Leslie: Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you. - — Eugene: We'll get to it first thing Monday. - — Leslie: Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request. - — Andy: We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog. - — Leslie: Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my -task force. - — Eugene: That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here. - -[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background] - - — Tom: Isn't that them there? - — Eugene: Nope. - — Tom: Yo Brett! - — Brett: Yo! - — Harris: Dude! - — Leslie: Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you -rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up? - — Eugene: Okay! -% - — Ron: Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven. - — Mark: Thank you. - — Ron: You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years. - — Mark: Ummm Ron none of this is up to code. - — Ron: Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code. - — Mark: There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got -hazardous chemicals over here. - — Ron: Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the -right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his -own car? - — Mark: There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning -stove. - — Ron: Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is -totally up to your precious code. - — Mark: Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996. - — Ron: Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the -government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch -yourself. - -[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out] - - — Ron: Okay. I'll replace this. Happy? -% - — Andy: Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, -you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. -Act." - — Tom: So you weren't thinking. - — Andy: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking. -% - — Evelyn: What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here? - — Leslie: Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught -is, in fact, Fairway Frank. - — Evelyn: Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, -the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it. - — Leslie: ...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum? - — Evelyn: No! - — Leslie: No. - — Evelyn: He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the -urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it -forever. - — Leslie: Ew. -% -[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart] - - — Tom: This thing is a mess. - — Carl: WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO -THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE -EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN. - — Tom: What’s this one? - — Carl: THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE. -% - — Leslie: Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth? - — Jerry: Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said. - -[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom] - - — Leslie: Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do -for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife? -% - — Joan Callamezzo: That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that -again!! This is Pawnee Fucking Today!!! Do you know that I bumped a cat that -can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my -sight. - — Leslie: Yes ma'am. -% - — Leslie: Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. -Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should -just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are. - — David: I thought you were dead, Clarence. - — Clarence: No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your -wife. - — David: Screw you, you old coot. - — Michael: Classic David. You're worse than Ron. - — Ron: Shut your damn mouth, Tansley. - — Leslie: OK great, let's go! -% - — Andy: So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be? - — April: The super old one. - — Andy: Really? - — April: Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew -his eyebrows off. -% - — Ron: Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings! - — Leslie: I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City -Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to -alter a gazebo! -% - — April: Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire -and create a diversion! -% - — Ron: So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck. - — Ann: I don't even work in this building. - — Ron: Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in. - — Jerry: [walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything? - — Ron: No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early. -% - — Citizen: Your department banned me from attending games just because I -yell "You Suck" at the players. - — Ron: According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls. - — Citizen: WHO SUCK!!! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!?! -% - — Citizen: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson. - — April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead. - — Citizen: Oh. - — April: I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have -this meeting with you. -% - — Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red -tape. - — April: Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts. - — Woman: Tell me about it. - — April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go -right to the commissioner on this one. - — Woman: You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great -idea. - — April: Yeah? - — Woman: I'm gonna do that. - — April: OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council. - — Woman: Good luck there! - — April: My thoughts exactly! - -[Cut to April being interviewed] - - — April: I have no idea what I was saying. -% - — Ron: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from -Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face. -% - — Man: I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car -trouble. - — April: Sorry he's busy right now. - -[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office] - - — Man: Oh Uh...well can I reschedule? - — April: Sure. Hmm how about June 50th? - — Man: Sorry? - — April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then. - — Man: What is going on? - — April: Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth. -Does that work sir? - -[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without -answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval] -% - — Leslie: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access -station to raise money for diabetes research. And it’s important because -Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and -certain parts of the Mall of America. -% - — Ron: I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big -on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man -to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard. -% - — Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with -me. - — Leslie: Why, is something wrong? - — Mark: No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me. - — Leslie: [gasps] - — Mark: I love her and I want a partner and.... - — Leslie: [interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you -should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon -and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up -on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann." - — Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her. - — Leslie: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they -have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives. - — Mark: So you think I should do it though? - — Leslie: Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get -ten eagles. - — Mark: Leslie... - — Leslie: No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want. -% - — Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, -supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being -who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being. -% - — Jean-Ralphio: One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days -just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it -was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over -the pants. -% - — Mark: Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt -like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to -propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took -a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So... -% - — Ron: I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the -city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi. -% - — Chris: I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists -who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane. -% - — Lucy: My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and -communists. He hated both. -% -— Ron: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's -a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories -include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. -Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property -rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a -vegetable. -% - — Ann: So are you happy to be back at work? - — Leslie: Well, our budget has been slashed to zero. I tried to buy -fertilizer the other day for the soccer field. Request denied. We literally -can't buy [bleep]. -% - — April: I want another nurse. - — Ann: Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now. - — April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right? - — Ann: Yep. nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable. - — April: Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty. -% - — Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick. - — Leslie: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in -there! - — Jerry: No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all -sweaty. - — Leslie: You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time!! What's your -excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!? - — Jerry: ...No. -% - — Leslie: I'm not sick I just have allergies okay! I took a claritin and I -threw that up. So I took another one and I threw that up. And then I took a -third and it stayed down! I'm getting better. -% - — Ben: Who's your doctor? - — Leslie: Anne's my doctor. And she's the most beautiful nurse in the world. -% - — Chris: Stop...POOPING. -% - — Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you -could have…network connectivity problems. -% - — Ann: 104.1, Leslie you're dehydrated, I'm admitting you. - — Leslie: [flu-ridden] If I was sick could I do this. - -[she just sits there and does nothing] - - — Ann: ...What are you doing? - — Leslie: [flu-ridden] Cartwheels...Am I not doing them? - — Ann: No. -% - — Leslie: [flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't -have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is. -% - — Chris: My body is like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it! -[exasperated] My body is a microchip... -% - — Andy: They have one called the "Meat Tornado." Literally killed a guy last -year. - — Ron: You had me at "Meat Tornado." -% - — Ann: What are you doing? - — Leslie: Hey! That flu medicine really helped. I feel a thousand percent -better. Good as new. - -[Leslie puts her pants around her neck like a scarf] - - — Leslie: Does this scarf look okay? I don't wanna look stuffy but I also -don't wanna look too schlubby. - — Ann: Get back in that bed. - — Leslie: So no to the scarf? - — Ann: Get back in the bed - — Leslie: No, I'm going to that meeting! - — Ann: Either you get back in the bed or I will strap you down, I've done it -before, don't test me!! - -[Leslie reluctantly climbs back into bed] -% - — Ron: I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this -department...and that includes the men. -% - — Ann: Hey have you seen Leslie? - — Chris: [deliriously] I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my -flu medicine, told me not to tell you and then disappeared through that hole in -the wall. - — Ann: ...The door? -% -[After Leslie escapes the hospital to go to the Chamber of Commerce meeting] - - — Leslie: Ben Wyatt! Hello! - — Ben: Uhh hi Leslie... - — Leslie: Good to see you! - — Ben: You too... - -[They shake hands] - - — Ben: Wow you're really burning up. - — Leslie: Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here please? - — Ben: Sure, how much? - — Leslie: I'm not sure. I looked at the meter and it had Egyptian -hieroglyphics on it. Do you know the exchange rate? - — Ben: ... - — Leslie: So should we do this? Oh boy hold on...be careful. - — Ben: What? - — Leslie: The floor and the wall just switched. - — Ben: ...Okay. - — Leslie: Walk very carefully. -% - — Leslie: Okay. It's showtime. [delirious, to wall poster] Good evening -everyone, I'm Leslie Monster and this is Nightline. - — Ben: Okay I wouldn't open with that. -% - — Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA -Finals. That was Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off -of Dennis Eckersley. That was…that was Leslie Knope. -% - — Business Owner: Are we going to get the same sales tax incentives we used -to? - — Leslie: That's a very good question sir and I would counter with my own -question which is: why is half of your face all swirly? - — Ben: Okay! Umm unfortunately Leslie has another very important meeting -right now so if you have any other questions you can just direct them towards -me. - — Leslie: Give it up everybody for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap! - — Ben: Alright! Okay. [ushers Leslie off the stage] -% - — Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital. - — Leslie: [In a British accent] Was I wearing a Tiara when I came in here? -Because if you happen upon it will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send -it post hence? - — Tom: ... -% - — Leslie: [reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The -Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome -German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. -"Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese -Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town -was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: -It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a -lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous -Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our -current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity." -% - — Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, -sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone -with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell -you that much. -% - — Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm -doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up. -% -[Ron and Leslie walk into Tammy Two's office to find her bending over showing -off her thong.] - - — Leslie: [gasps] Whale tail! Whale tail! She's flashing a whale tail! -Abort! Abort! - — Ron: Hello Tammy. - — Tammy Two: Oh hello Ron. I didn't see you come in. I was just checking -myself for scoliosis. - — Ron: And? - — Tammy Two: Straight as an arrow. Just like somebody else I know. Jerky? - -[Tammy Two takes out a large piece of jerky and starts eating it seductively] - - — Ron: Call off the dogs. You and I both know that in my entire adult life I -have never checked a book out of the library. - -[Tammy Two starts sexually smacking herself in the face with the jerky] - - — Leslie: Oh my God she's amazing... - — Ron: [chuckles] I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior -would've driven me wild. But I'm in a healthy relationship now Tammy. - — Tammy Two: A relationship!? With whom!? - — Ron: A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy. - — Tammy Two: Sounds like a real whore. -% - — Leslie: Okay so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas so let's talk -toppings. - — Andy: Sausage, onion and peppers. Scientifically proven to be the best -toppings. - — Leslie: Nice. - — Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option? - — Tom: Wow don't be such a Jerry, Ben. - — Leslie: Yeah Ben these guys are cops not ballerinas. -% - — Ben: Okay. How about some calzones? - — Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb -and so was that idea. - — Ben: Seriously? - — Tom: This is embarrassing for you. -% - — Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, -psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon. -% - — Ron: Can we turn the radio off? This is our song. - — Ben: Your song is 'Dancing On The Ceiling' by Lionel Richie? Oh! Wow look -at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely. - — Ron: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off...from friction. - — Ben: Ugh! -% - — Donna: I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, -corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this -message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I -love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, -Levandrious, who I hate! -% -[Ron has left himself a video tape to watch in case he ever falls for Tammy Two -again.] - - — Ron: [on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means -that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably -thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking -that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and -lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. -Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck. -% - — Ron: Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In -fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our -honeymoon. - — Jerry: Wow! Where ya going? - — Leslie: Jerry! - — Ron: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods. - — Tammy Two: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts -for energy. - — Leslie: Oh God! -% -[After Ron watches Tammy beat the crap out of Tom for telling the truth] - - — Ron: Tammy! That's enough! - — Tammy Two: Hey Baby! - — Ron: You almost had me...again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, -defenseless little man... - — Tom: Hey! - — Ron: ..reminded me what kind of monster you are. - — Tammy Two: You're a joke. You're not even a man anymore. Oh, and by the -way, last night I faked four out of the seven. - — Ron: [Chuckles] So did I. Let's go son. - -[Ron picks up Tom like a child and carries him out] -% - — The Douche: Alright, switching gears here now, we got Leslie Knope and Tom -Harverfart and Ben Wyatt, and they're in the hizzy to talk about an upcoming -event called the Harvest Festival. - — Leslie: Well, The Douche, it's a Pawnee tradition, and it's where fun -meets awesome...meets agriculture. And it is gonna be next month right here in -Pawnee and - spoiler alert - it's gonna have the best corn maze ever. - — Crazy Ira: You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn't you Douche? - — The Douche: Oh, that's right - to your mom! - -[China Joe plays a sound effect of a woman moaning and going "Crazy Ira, clean -your room!"] - - — Leslie: There's also going to be hay rides. - — The Douche: "Hey, ride me!" is what Crazy Ira's mom said. - -[China Joe plays more moaning sounds] - - — Tom: China Joe, you are a poet! -% - — April: [reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's -grandmother." I said grandfather. - — Andy: Oh, oops. OK. - — April: "You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I -can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It -was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf. - — Andy: OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good? -% - — Ron: I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home -to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I -have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. - -[starts going through the album] - -June 2004. Porterhouse, medium-rare, Bearnaise sauce. -January 2000. They call this one "The Enforcer." -February '96. The steak: Rib-Eye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to -me: a bitch. Specifically my ex-wife Tammy. -Okay. This is, the first time I ever went there. Oh look at me! I'm just a kid! -% - — Ann: Leslie, I think Chris is cheating on me. - — Leslie: What!? That lying bastard!! Wait, how do you know? - — Ann: I don't actually have any actual proof. - — Leslie: Oh, then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. And if he is, he's a -monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will -kill him. -% - — Leslie: Well he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high -school they used to call me Angela Lansbury...but that was because of my -haircut. -% -[After the group finds Mulligan's shut down by the Health Department] - - — Ron: They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I -should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they -closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten? -% - — April: I can get free drinks anytime I want. - — Andy: How? - — April: Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to -her] Hey. - — Guy: Hey. - — April: I hate drinking alone. - — Guy: Can I get you a drink? - — April: Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey. - — Guy: What's your name? - — April: Oprah! - — Guy: I'm Kevin. - — April: Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone. - — Guy: But- - — April: I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye! - -[turns back to Andy] - - — April: Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot. -% - — Leslie: So Chris do you have any sisters? - — Chris: No, I don't Leslie. Do you have sisters? - — Leslie: Maybe. So how's your mom? Is she visiting? - — Chris: No she's home up in Wisconsin. Is your mom visiting? - — Leslie: Any aunts? - — Chris: Nope. You have aunts? - — Leslie: Girl cousins? A youthful grandmother perhaps? - — Chris: Nope. - — Ron: Did you forget how to have a conversation? -% - — Leslie: So Chris, what do you do up here in your spare time? - — Chris: Well uh, I exercise and I exercise my mind. And I try to keep up on -current events. - — Leslie: Oh that's what you call it? - — Chris: Sorry? - — Leslie: How are things going with Ann? You know what's funny about Ann? -She's my best friend. And anyone who'd hurt her is someone I would murder -probably. -% - — Tom: Watch the master work it. I'm the Yoda of networking. - — Ben: Well Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. I mean his powers were -more spiritual- - — Tom: SHUT UP YOU NERD!! - — Ben: I get it. Okay. -% - — Ron: [lifting the grill cover] AHHHH!! - — Leslie: Ron!? - — Ron: What in the Devil's name is this!!?? - — Chris: Portobello Mushrooms! - — Ron: Where's the steak!!?? - — Chris: Oh there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically -grown. - — Ron: ...[starts to faint] -% -[April puts on a Snakehole shirt and pretends to be a waitress] - - — April: Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve. - — Bartender: Do you work here? - — April: Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole. -% - — Andy: This is so awesome. We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club -and give to ourselves. -% - — Leslie: Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never -been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with -her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does -kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is. -% - — Leslie: One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and -broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I -tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he -left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, -and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One -guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't -always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine -and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. -Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me. - — Ann Who's Rebecca? - — Leslie: Exactly. -% - — Ron: Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm -worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I -said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand? -% - — Leslie: I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're -amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially -ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and -gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian! - -[Everyone freaks out with excitement] - - — Ron: Well done Leslie! Well done!! - -[Cut to leslie being interviewed] - - — Leslie: Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 -and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the -number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name! - -[Cut back to the office] - - — Ben: So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony? - — Tom: He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference. - — Ben: Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do? - — Ron: Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame. - — Leslie: We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is -25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's -going to look after him. - — Jerry: Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my -Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!? - — Leslie: Isn't it amazing! - — Ben: Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is. - — Everyone: ... - — Leslie: Get out! -% - — Ken Hotate: There are two things I know about white people. They love -Rachael Ray. And they are terrified of curses. -% - — Donna: Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man? - — Ann: Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even -realize he did it. - — Donna: I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing -okay? - — Ann: Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I -was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some -dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did -this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out -kind of stuff. - — Donna: Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm -going to recommend you bottle that noise up. - — Ann: ...That's what my mailman said. -% - — April: Hey, I love you. - — Andy: Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce! -% - — Beefy Dude: I don't know what's sicker, me or your body. - — Ann: You're not sick. - — Beefy Dude: Maybe you should check out my abs. - — Ann: Are you experiencing abdominal pain? - — Beefy Dude: Every day at the gym [shows off abs] Feel. - — Ann: Eww. [feels his abs and is impressed] Oh. - — Beefy Dude: What are you doing tonight? - — Ann: I think I'm gonna have to pass. - — Beefy Dude: Your loss. - -[Ann walks over by Donna] - - — Donna: Are you gonna hit that? - — Ann: Him? He isn't exactly boyfriend material. - — Donna: Who said anything about a boyfriend? Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. -% - — Jerry: [referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, -they're probably dead. - — Tom: Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God. - — Jerry: For the last time-- - — April: Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy. - — Andy: Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me? - — April: Ron, can you tell Andy-- - — Ron: Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I -love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows -you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that -you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l -Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone? - — Andy: [to April] I do love you, you know. - — April: You do? - — Andy: Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome. -% - — Beefy Dude: It's been really awesome talking to you. Most carnival nurses -are total grenades. - — Ann: Okay, you're all set. You are free to go...or you could stay here and -make out with me until the lights come back on. - — Beefy Dude: Hell yeah! - — Ann: Beat it Donna. - -[Donna smiles and walks out] -% - — Ron: I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some -fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill -something. -% - — Leslie: I'm so desperate I even brought in my dream journal hoping it -would inspire me. - — Ann: [reading an entry] "I married ALF and we're pretty happy." That -sounds nice. - — Leslie: It was. -% - — Chris: Hey gang! - — Leslie: Hey, what did you bring? - — Chris: I was in charge of the cake. To be fair, it's not a cake so much -as it is a vegetable loaf. You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your -spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction. - — Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegtable loaf or a cake? - — Chris: No, a cake, but this is so much healthier. - — Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone -of cake! - — Leslie: Take a walk, Ron. -% - — Andy: Attention, everybody! Madams and...mis...wahs? If you would do me -the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over -there, uh, hence. - — Ron: What? - — Andy: Big event, in that room, fifteen minutes. -% -[Ann sees Donna at the same dating event she's at] - - — Ann: Donna! Oh my God, I am so excited to see you here! These things are -horrible when you're by yourself. [Donna tries to ignore her] ...What? - — Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are -no friends here! It's every woman for herself. - — Ann: ...You're joking right? - — Donna: Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero sum game. If you get a -man, I don't get that man. - — Ann: I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in -my life. - — Donna: Here's some more advice. Beat it! -% - — Ron: Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and you -roll the dice. It's all anybody can do. -% - — Ann: Hi, I'm Ann. - — Ryan: Ryan. - — Ann: What's your occupation? - — Ryan: I'm a manager at a sporting goods store. - — Ann: No way me too! - — Ryan: Seriously!? Which one? - — Ann: No, I'm not. I was just ribbing you. - — Ryan: ...What are you drinking? - — Ann: Hahahaha yeah... - — Ryan: What? - — Ann: Oh I don't know. I couldn't hear you. - — Ryan: So you just laughed and said "yeah?" - — Ann: Yeah... - -[Donna cuts in] - - — Donna: Excuse us... [To Ann] That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my -life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell? From the movie Nell? - — Ann: I told you, I'm Rusty! -% - — Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio. - — Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good? - — Tom: Sure. - — Jean-Ralphio: OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. -Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously. - — Tom: Swingers or Crashers? - — Jean-Ralphio: Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from -Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of -that bitch. -% - — Natalie: [Wedding toast for April and Andy] My sister's really lame. But -Andy's pretty cool. I guess I kinda see why he would marry her. Also, if anyone -has seen my grey hoodie I lost it, thanks. - -[Walks off stage] -% - — Ann: [Finishing talking to a guy] Cool, I'll see you around, maybe. - — Donna: That went better, right!? - — Ann: Yes! He did however, proudly tell me that he beat herpes... - -[Donna grimaces] - - — Ann: I'm sorry Donna I'm gonna go home, I just found out Andy's getting -married. - — Donna: So? - — Ann: So that's my ex-boyfriend...and we were together for a really long -time. - — Donna: [Sarcastically] Alright... - — Ann: What!? - — Donna: "What?" Listen, you are a hot young doctor. - — Ann: I'm a nurse actually... - — Donna: Okay I don't know you. But I do know that you can fix your -attitude. Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you -didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy who's been looking -at you and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself? - — Ann: ...Alright. -% - — Ron: The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and -then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not -stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy. -% - — Tom: Don't freak out, but Sewage Joe just unhooked your bra with his eyes. - — Leslie: What? Oh boy. - -[Leslie walks up to Sewage Joe] - - — Leslie: Hi Joe. - — Sewage Joe: What's up Knope? Looking good these days. What do you say? -Van's out back, let's roll. - — Leslie: Where is this coming from!? - — Sewage Joe: I don't know. You're putting out some vibe today. It's driving -me crazy. Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down -to the toilet party? That's what we call the Sewage Department. - — Leslie: Great. Okay. - -[Leslie turns around to leave] - - — Sewage Joe: Liking the view. - -[Leslie looks creeped out then walks away] - - — Sewage Joe: Still got it Joe. - — Leslie: No you don't! -% - — Chris: You ever tried a turkey burger? - — Ron: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, then -yes. Delicious. -% -[Ann is helping Leslie with her online dating profile] - - — Leslie: Yellow haired female likes waffles and news. - — Ann: [typing] Sexy well-read blonde loves the sweeter things in life. - — Leslie: Much better. - — Ann: Hobbies? - — Leslie: Organizing my agenda...Wait that doesn't sound fun. Umm...Jamming -on my planner! - — Ann: Favorite place? - — Leslie: Upstairs there's this mural of wildflowers and I like to sit on a -bench in front of it. - — Ann: ...Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the -Grand Canyon... - — Leslie: Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural. - — Ann: What about like an actual meadow where wildflowers are? - — Leslie: Eww Ann! I'm scared of bees! Mural! - — Ann: Okay what do you think of dogs? - — Leslie: Love! - — Ann: Cats? - — Leslie: Love! - — Ann: Fish? - — Leslie: Love! - — Ann: Turtles? - — Leslie: ...No opinion. - — Ann: ... - — Leslie: They're condescending. - — Ann: Describe your ideal man. - — Leslie: He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ. - — Ann: I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera. - — Leslie: Mmmmm. -% - — Craig: [on the phone] Hello this is Craig at hoosiermate.com, how can I -help you? - — Leslie: Craig your service is crap!! - — Craig: Can you be more specific? - — Leslie: Yes. Your soulmate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like -him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a -little sister to me. - — Craig: We have a very sophisticated algorithm that's paired up thousands -of couples. I actually met my wife on the site. - — Leslie: Really? Well that's not gonna last. - — Craig: Excuse me? - — Leslie: You heard me! Your marriage is a sham!! Goodbye Craig! [hangs up] -% - — Leslie: Hi Joe. I know you're going to take this the wrong way but can I -talk to you for a second? - — Sewage Joe: You can do anything to me for any number of seconds. - — Leslie: Hmmm. - — Sewage Joe: Would you like to talk outside in my van? - — Leslie: No here's fine. I was...flattered by what you said earlier. And I -was just wondering, what do you look for in a woman? - — Sewage Joe: She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair. - — Leslie: So basically you're just attracted to me because I'm not an old -person. - — Sewage Joe: Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster. -% - — Chris: Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite -food? - — Andy: Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what -I call it? - — Chris: Skittle Sandwich? - — Andy: ...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's -nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in -the Skittles. -% - — Tom: 'Zerts are what I call desserts. Tray-trays are entrees. I call -sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool -blasterz, with a z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' -cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fri-fri chicky-chick. - Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. -I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas -are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes. -% - — Grain n' Simple Employee: Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% -meatless. - — Ron: Yes please. - -[Employee hands him a piece and Ron throws it in the trash] - - — Grain n' Simple Employee: ... - — Ron: Another please. - -[Employee hands him another piece and Ron throws it in the trash] - - — Grain n' Simple Employee: Sir is there a problem? - — Ron: I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this. - — Grain n' Simple Employee: I...I don't think I can give you anymore. - — April: I want one. - -[Employee hands her a piece and April throws it in the trash] -% - — Ron: I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of -my stuff. -% - — Leslie: Let’s play a different game. I’m gonna say stuff about me and -you say, on a scale from one to ten, how interested in that thing you are. -Ready? - — Tom: Okay. - — Leslie: I love sunshine and fresh air and early morning walks. - — Tom: One. - — Leslie: I’ve read five biographies of Eleanor Roosevelt. - — Tom: One. - — Leslie: I work at the Parks and Rec... - — Tom: [Interrupting] One. - — Leslie: That’s what you do. - — Tom: One. - — Leslie: I once kissed a girl in college. - — Tom: [Smiling] Eight. - — Leslie: Where I graduated summa cum laude in History. - — Tom: One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don’t talk about it anymore, please. -% - — Chris: I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger -Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, -toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and -microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy! - — Tom: This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing. - — Donna: What is this in here? Saffron? - — Chris: Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette! - — Kyle: I love the umami flavor. - — Jerry: Stop being so pretentious Kyle! - — Kyle: Sorry. - — Ron: Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with -nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less. - — Chris: Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have -a real challenge. - — Tom: Never mind this is better! - — Donna: Way better! - — Jerry: Mmmmm Mmmhmm! - — Andy: ...Kyle? - — Kyle: ...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better. - — Andy: Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so -much better it's crazy! - — Ron: Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry. - — Chris: I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. -Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one -of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve -horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers. - — Everyone: Yay!!! -% - — Ron: OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature. -This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People -did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over they'll be -hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is -beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature -when they can just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not -misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art -and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech. -% - — Tom: That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry: topless -Leslie glued to a horse! -% - — Leslie: That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art -contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless -you want an arrow in your ass Marcia. -% - — Andy: Morning Roomie! How'd ya sleep? - — Ben: Well there were no bedbugs...also no bed...I'm gonna go buy a bed. -I'm sorry, are you eating turkey chili off of a Frisbee? - — Andy: Hahahaha yeah it's really cute right? - — Ben: No. Do you know what cute means? -% - — Brandi Maxxxx: I think this whole debate is ridiculous. What Leslie and I -do is obviously art. - — Leslie: Oh...hang on. There's a big difference between an oil painting of -a Greek myth and a pornographic movie. - — Brandi Maxxxx: It's okay Leslie, I got this one. - — Leslie: What!? - — Brandi Maxxxx: What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able -to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want. Whether it's girl -on girl action, bondage or what have you! - — Leslie: Okay hang on... -% - — Leslie: Pornography is very difficult to define. In fact, it was Justice -Stewart who once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see -it." - — Perd Hapley: Brandi, how would you define pornography? - — Brandi Maxxxx: For me, it's when the penis goes in. -% - — Marcia: So how do you wanna do this? Burn it publicly or burn it privately -and I put the footage on my blog... - — Leslie: You've made your point okay? Look this painting is very important -to me. It doesn't need to hang in a government building, just let me take it -home and we'll keep it there. What do you say? - — Marcia: I say this painting is going to burn. First here, then in Hell. -[Pulls out parking stub] Do I need to get this validated? - — Leslie: I don't...I don't know... - — Marcia: No? Okay then great I'm just gonna pull my car around and you can -load it in the back. - — Leslie: No! - -[Leslie grabs the painting and takes off running with it] - - — Marcia: Hey! Come back here! - — Leslie: Make me stag!! I am Diaphena!!! -% - — Andy: Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting -board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that -marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when -you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know. - — April: [deeply touched] You're going to make me cry. -% - — Leslie: Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it -redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone -calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a -well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is -on Friday! -% - — Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially -don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information -about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark -to sell cards. -% - — April: Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house? - — Ron: What? - — April: Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus? - — Ron: There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a -street. - — April: Do you have space for like a huge circus tent? - -[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons] - - — Ann: Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons -with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!! - — Ron: Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy. - — Ann: These were for a sick child at the hospital!! - -[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on -it] - - — Ron: ...Ah. My office now. - — Ann: I don't work for you! - — Ron: Don't care. -% - — Ron: I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday? - — Ann: Oh my God Ron! It's your birthday!? Happy Birthday! - — Ron: Shut your damn mouth. - — Ann: This is a fun conversation. -% - — Chris: You want me to do what now? - — Ron: Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or -something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts. - — Chris: I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory? - — Ron: No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it. - — Chris: Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything. - — Ron: [Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday. - — Chris: Hey!! Happy Birthday!! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth] - -[Ron is frozen with a horrified look on his face] -% - — Leslie: You might have a fancy car and a...mahogany purse or whatever rich -people have but I remember something that you're trying to forget. You're a -Pawnee girl. - — Lindsay: No Leslie, I'm not. - — Leslie: Then why do you come here at dinner time to get take out from the -legendary JJ's Diner? - — Lindsay: It's not for me! These waffles make great dog laxatives! - — Leslie: Don't you dare feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop. - — Lindsay: [feeding the waffle to the dog] Sambuca need to make? There you -go! - — Leslie: HOW DARE YOU!? - -[Leslie throws Lindsay in the trash and starts wrestling with her] -% - — Leslie: I will never apologize to her. - — Lindsay: Nor I her. - — Leslie: [In a mocking British accent] Nor I her! I doth proclaim to be a -stupid fart face. - — Lindsay: Nice retort. Did G.B. Shaw write that for you? - — Leslie: Did G.B. Shaw write your stupid fart face!? -% - — Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching -Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants. -% - — Ann: First of all, this color looks amazing on you. - — Leslie: Thank you. - — Ann:Second of all, the whole fence thing? She's obviously trying to get a -rise out of you. Third of all, she knows she only got the job because you -turned it down which must drive her nuts! But most importantly, say the word -and I will beat her senseless with a baseball bat. - — Leslie: [deeply touched] Thank You. -% - — Lindsay: What's going on here? - — Leslie: Hi Lindsay. Introducing the Pawnee Wiffleball League. It's an idea -that I came up with after my best friend Ann over there said she wanted to bash -your head in with a baseball bat. - -[View of Ann smiling and waving] -% -[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker] - - — Ron: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. - — Leslie: ...I did. I broke it. - — Ron: No. No you didn't. Tom? - — Tom: Don't look at me. Look at Ben. - — Ben: What?! I didn't break it. - — Tom: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken? - — Ben: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken. - — Tom: Suspicious. - — Ben: No it's not! - — Jerry: If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it. - — April: Liar! I don't even drink that crap! - — Jerry: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier? - — April: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows -that Jerry! - — Leslie: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron. - — Ron: No! Who broke it!? - — Ben: Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet. - — Donna: REALLY?! - -[Everyone starts arguing] - - — Ron: [being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I -predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on -their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy -around here. -% - — Chris: We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis -Cooper was fired today. - — Ben: Why? - — Chris: Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an -affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city -hall. I'm sure you've seen them. - — Ben & Leslie: Oh yeah. - -[Cut to Chris being interviewed and reading off the different signs] - - — Chris: "Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee -Health Department." -"Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers." -"The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper, Miss Chlamydia." -"Jan I love you. Please come back. I realize I'm not blameless here. Please. -Brought to you by the Health Department." -"Re-elect Jan Cooper, Mayor of Whoreville." -% - — Andy: Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you? - — April: I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. -Who are you? - — Andy: Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I -was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now -I work alone. - — April: Lovely to meet you. - — Andy: I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty. - — April: [slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!!? [walks away] - — Andy: ...Nice. -% - — Ron: Hello, my name is Ron Swanson. Normally I try never to speak with -people, but I've been drinking this Snake Juice thing, and it's damn good. You -should buy it. - — Bar Patron: Yeah okay, thanks man. - — Ron: Son, you should know that my suggestion is essentially a guarantee. -[hands man glass of Snake Juice] Drink this. Now. -% - — Tom: Traegermeister!! You made it! - — Chris: Yeah I got your email. We need to talk. - — Tom: First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% -alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake. - — Chris: I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me. -% - — Ann: No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're -going too slow with Ben! - — Leslie: No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job! - — Ann: No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting -on your feelings! - — Leslie: No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in -feelings! - — Ann: Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up! - — The Douche: Mmm-hmm! - — Ben: Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling. - — Leslie: Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with -me? Go get me another snork juice. - — Ben: Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you. - — Leslie: Forget it! Jean-Ralphio! - — Jean-Ralphio: [immediately appears] Yes, I'm here! - — Leslie: Dance up on me! - — Jean-Ralphio: Yes, yes, yes! -% - — Andy: You've gotta try role play. That's what me and April do. - — Ben: ...that explains the outift. - — Andy: Yeah you gotta dream up some weird scenario like you're her boss and -sex is forbidden because she works for you. - — Ben: ...That is our actual situation. - — Andy: And she's addicted to spanking. - — Ben: Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good. -% -[Leslie and Ann are drunk and fighting outside the restroom] - - — Leslie: If you're worried about working with Chris it doesn't matter! He's -fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird. - — Ann: You talked to Chris before you talked to me?! - -[A girl walks between them] - - — Leslie: EXCUSE ME! - -[Cut to Leslie being interviewed] - - — Leslie: This is my first fight with Ann and it's a doozy. But, I believe -that honest discussions between friends can lead to deeper intimacy. This is a -watershed moment in our relationship and it's important that we fight clean. -All I need to do is focus, and stay calm. - -[Cut back to Leslie and Ann] - - — Leslie: You're stupid and you're a jerk and you're stupid!! [Runs into the -restroom] - — Ann: UGH!! -% - — Donna: This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted. - -[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie] - - — Leslie: You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and -then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!! - -[cuts to a drunk Tom] - - — Tom: I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's -in there. - -[cuts to a drunk Ann] - - — Ann: I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna -tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag. - -[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben] - - — Ben: Baba booey. - -[cuts to a drunk Andy] - - — Andy: Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and -stuff... macaroni salad... - -[cuts to a drunk April] - - — April: [rapidly speaks Spanish] - -[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake -Juice] - - -[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically] -% -[Donna has all the drunk people packed in her Benz] - - — Ron: Is this everybody? - — Donna: Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, -where to first? - — Leslie: Your mother's butt! - -[Everyone laughs] - - — Jean-Ralphio: I'm so alone... - — Donna: If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all -walking home. -% - — Chris: There's got to be something we can do. [shouts into the next room] -Ben, is there something we can do?! - -[silence] - - — Chris: Damn it, Ben's not here... -% - — Ben: Leslie, we have to go hire a new PR director for the health -department. - — Leslie: Oh my god I'm so hungover. I've never been this hungover. Are we -dead? - — Ben: I feel great. I ran a 5K this morning. - — Leslie: Really? - — Ben: No, I threw up in the shower. -% -[Ben and Leslie are interviewing people] - - — Ben: Thank you, we'll let you know. - -[Interviewee walks out] - - — Ben: And then our heads will explode, and we will die... [sigh] -% - — Ben: You're wearing snow pants... - — Ann: I got home last night and I thought I might go sledding... - -[View of Ann's lawn where there's not a drop of snow in sight] -% -[Ann comes in to interview for the Public Health position] - - — Leslie: You came! - — Ann: Yeah I had some encouragement. - — Ben: Your sweater's on inside-out. - — Ann: And backwards! It's been a tough morning. Lots of regret and shame. -Should be the official slogan for Snake Juice. - — Leslie: Uh well this committee would like to ask if you are the kind of -candidate who could forgive someone after they behaved like a complete jackass. - — Ann: This candidate could, especially since this candidate also behaved -like a total jackass. - — Leslie: Please don't worry about it. The committee totally understands. - — Ann: Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position but first, -I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket. - — Leslie: Would you mind if I joined you? - — Ann: Not at all! Shall we? -% - — Ron: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet -that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. -...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old. -% - — Leslie: I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? - I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I -like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so... -% -[after her and Ben's first kiss] - - — Leslie: Uh-oh. -% -[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons] - - — Leslie: Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new -part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!! - — Ann: Leslie this is so nice! - — April: [popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these -balloons so if any of them pops you may die. - — Andy: [popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses -fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] -School. - — Leslie: We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First -Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon -sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party. - — Tom: [popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!! - — Ann: How many of you are in here!? - — Leslie: There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and -he's kind of a grouch. - — Ann: I have an office mate? - — Stuart: [popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of -here!! - — Ann: ...Hi I'm Ann. -% -[Stuart walks in on Leslie talking with Ann] - - — Leslie: Stuart, please could you give us like 45 minutes!! - — Stuart: It's my office too- - — Leslie: Stuart! - -[Stuart awkwardly walks out] - - — Leslie: Wow that guy was rude. -% - — Chris: I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this -department's potential. Jerry. - — Jerry: Mmm? - — Chris: I believe that you are capable of so much more. - — Jerry: I'm Not. - — Chris: Nonsense. Look in the mirror! - — Jerry: Huh? - — Chris: You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm -making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday -briefing sessions. - — Ron: Excellent idea. -% - — Chris: April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now -on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office. - — April: Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up! -% - — Leslie: Okay you need to be strong, powerful, decisive. This is not a -meeting, it's a battle. Normal meeting rules do not apply. I'll be my mom and -I'm gonna be very harsh with you and it's only because I like you a lot. - — Ben: Okay. - — Leslie: Go! - — Ben: Hello- - — Leslie: Wrong. - — Ben: What? - — Leslie: No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking. - — Ben: ...Id like to discuss the school bus- - — Leslie: I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss. And you should be -sitting by now. - — Ben: What? - — Leslie: Just walk in and take a seat. - — Ben: Um... - — Leslie: "Um" is the sound in "dumb." That's what she says to people. And -now you've crossed your legs like a woman. - — Ben: God! Okay should we just start over? - — Leslie: No, we need to put a pin in this. Here is a list of my mother's -top 10 conversation topics starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel -Craig. You have 10 minutes to memorize it. - — Ben: "Deliverance," the movie? - — Leslie: Mmmhmmm. - — Ben: Oh God. -% - — Donna: This ain't gonna work. - -[Ron swivels away from Donna] - - — Donna: Okay you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you. - -[Ron swivels back] - - — Donna: This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy!! I'm down to one word -a minute. And the word is "perflipisklep" because I can't fly spaceships. - — Ron: Donna you know as well as I do that these City Manager shake-ups -always peter out. We just have to wait. - — Donna: Usually I'm with you. But this is Chris Traeger. The six million -dollar man. He won't quit. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office -and have a word with him. -% - — Sobbing Woman: There's nothing left. It's over! - — Chris: Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together -and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be. - — Sobbing Woman: [deeply touched] Thank you! - -[she walks away] - - — Tom: Who was that? - — Chris: I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped. -% - — Chris: Ron Swanson! - — Ron: Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it -might ruin the entire department. - — Chris: Now wait a minute... - — Ron: I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my -department has to go back to the way it was. - — Chris: Give them time. They'll adjust. - — Ron: No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's -someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And -you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And -Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he -shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum. - — Chris: That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic. -% - — Andy: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can -of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life. -% - — Leslie: How did you find out? - — Ron: We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you -pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. - -[Ron holds up his phone] - - — Leslie: [over phone] OK, OK, and this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. - — Ben: [over phone] Whoa, Eleanor likes the tongue. Show me Pelosi again. - — Leslie: [over phone] OK, lay down... - -[Ron puts his phone away] - - — Leslie: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg. - — Ron: Unfortunately not. - — Ben: Ugh. - — Ron: This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught which you -CLEARLY will, Chris will fire you and I won't be able to stop him. - — Leslie: Ron, we're being very careful. - -[Ron holds up his phone] - - — Leslie: [over phone] Oh President Reagan, my blazer popped open. - — Ben: [over phone impersonating Ronald Reagan] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let -me help you with that. Our countries have had a very special relationship. - — Leslie: OK, yes... - — Leslie: [over phone] Oh no! - — Leslie: ...You've proven your point. -% - — Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home. - — Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole? - — Tammy Two: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station. - — Donna: Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back! - — Ron: No kidding, Donna. - — Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife. - — Ron: ...Tammy One? - — Donna: She's in your office. - -[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds] - - — Tammy Two: Oh Shit! [runs away in fear] -% - — Chris: What's the point of doing 10,000 push-ups a week if you have no one -to do them with. I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a lovely woman... -sitting on my back to increase my resistance. -% - — Ron: I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a -bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed. -% - — Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I -thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l -Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect! -% - — Leslie: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the -proceeds will go towards L'il Sebastian's favorite charity...The Afghan -Institute of Learning... -% - — Andy: [Being Interviewed] What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the -wind? - -[Cut to Andy about to perform at the memorial] - - — Andy: This song is called "5,000 Candles In The Wind" -% -[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her] - - — Ron: Knope, follow me. - — Leslie: Just one second. - — Ron: NOW. - -[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway] - - — Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going -on? - — Ron: My ex-wife is back. - -[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand] - - — Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard. - — Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One. - -[Leslie gasps] - - — Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of -them. While I'm gone, you're in charge. - -[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and -retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct] - - — Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, -or it will begin to smell. Godspeed. - -[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.] -% - — Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just -said about this situation. -% - — Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. - I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted -by the largest penis I have ever seen. -% - — Ron: Hello Tammy. - — Tammy One: Ronald. - — Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want? - — Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust? - — Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives. - — Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald. - — Ron: I don't care. - — Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling? - — Ron: ... - — Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for -all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep... - — Ron: I don't need your help. - — Tammy One: Wrong. You do. As your so fond of saying, "It's a Free County." -Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail. -% - — Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron. -Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail. - — Ron: Are you broken? -% - — Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. -My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy. -% - — Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist? - — Model: I guess. I don't really know. - — Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you? - — Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical. - — Ben: ... - -[cut to Ben being interviewd] - - — Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence! -% -[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent] - - — Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am -Leslie Knope, Deputy- - — Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while -I'm here. - -[Leslie awkwardly sits down] -% - — Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! -This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. -We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your -accounts. And your home. - — Ron: ...Is that necessary? - — Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid? - — Everyone: ... - — Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name? - — Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski... - — Tammy One: Really? - — Andy: No...Andy Dwyer. - — Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to -put it in my car. Ms. Knope! - — Leslie: Yes!? - — Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's -workplace expense reports. - — Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because -Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle -royale. It's super fun- - — Tammy One Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will -remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in -Terre Haute. - — Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll. - — Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger. - — Leslie: Yes ma'am... -% -[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully] - - — Ron: Good morning everyone! - — Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] -Ron!! Your mustache fell off!! - — Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked -better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is -very unsanitary. - — Leslie: What? - — Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy? - — Jerry: ...What? - — Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one? - — Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she -converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers. - — Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help? - — Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense. -% - — Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not -quite sure how to phrase them. - — Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between -you and me. Right my love? - — Tammy One: Stop fidgeting. - — Ron: Sorry. - — Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone. - — Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na. - — Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool. - — Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and -you need to go. - — Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom? - — Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands! - -[Ron gets up and leaves] - - — Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real? - — Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I -want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future -was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold... - — Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger! -% - — Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, -we need Mothra. No offense. - — Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] -Who's this tall drink of water? - — Andy: Andy... - — Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging? - — Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move -your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat? - — Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch -is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot. - — April: Eww! - — Andy: Could we take a peek at it? - — Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can -pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of -acid. - — Leslie Oh my God! - — Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron. - — April: Andy... - — Leslie: Don't joke around. - — Andy: I...have ideas too... -% -[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom] - - — Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!! - — Leslie: Why do you have so many guns? - — Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it? - — Leslie: Yes... - — Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing -on my own property! Let's go! - — April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom. -% - — Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this. - — Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off. - -[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol] - - — April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel! - — Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever -grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed -boats. - — Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to -the farm for good. - — Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal! - — Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty. - — Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if -I win, Ron stays here with us. - — Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the -mules! - -[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor] - - — Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake! -% -[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine] - - — Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough? - — Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close! - — Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close... - — Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this. - — Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy. -% -[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor] - - — Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! - — Ron: She's had enough. Call it off. - — Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out. - — April: Wait, I'm subbing in. - — Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail. - — April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. - -[April takes a swig of the liquor] - - — April: [spits out liquor in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD! - — Ron: Okay! This ends now! - -[Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement] - - — Ron: Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're -going back to Hell. - — Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground -safe. I stole half your gold. - — Ron: That's decoy gold! You think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe -buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all. - — Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be -there the minute you die. - -[Tammy One Walks Out] - - — Leslie: Ron...your family's weird... -% - — Derry: Welcome to "Thoughts For Your Thoughts." I'm Derry Murbles, -filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration -patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since. -% - — Leslie: I wrote a book. "The First Historical Guide to Pawnee." I wrote it -as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it -a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we -removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns and -here it is! -% - — Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of -words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted? - — Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one? -% - — Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like you -phones? - — April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life. -% - — Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to -tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism. - — Joan: In what way? - — Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face. - — Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born? - — Leslie: Pawnee!! - — Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly! - -[music starts and dancers come out] - - — Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!! -% - — Ann I could leave. I could but I'm not going to. I'm will get my one -minute of small talk dammit!! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE. -% - — Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to -know the truth about where you were born. - — Leslie: Okay. Well- - — Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many -of you were actually born in Pawnee? - -[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand] - - — Chris: ..Fair enough. - — Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here. - — Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate? - — Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me- - — Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you -came from!! - — Leslie: I am back from where I came from!! - — Man: That sentence was confusing!!! You might as well be from China!!! -% - — Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should -model. - — Ben: ...That never happened. - — Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's -the luckiest man in the world? - — Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing. - — Tom: Oh... - — Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual -appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches. - — Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor... -% - — Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other -things... if you know what I mean. - — Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina? -% - — Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April. - -[cut to Ann trying to talk to April] - - — Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if -you could recommend anything. - — April: ...The internet. - — Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it? - — April: Prison. - — Ann: How's your sister doing? - — April: She has the shingles. - — Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City? - — April: Alf. - -[cut back to Ann being interviewed] - - — Ann: And nine seconds with Ron. - -[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron] - - — Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring -with you? - — Ron: Silence... - — Ann: ... -% - — Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek. - — Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same -alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that -it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just -say the message boards are going nuts. - -[pause] - - — Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and -[bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at -the same time. -% - — Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort -probably. -% - — Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video -games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me -and Mother Nature. - — Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call -me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call. - — Ron: Thank you Andy. - — Andy: Brother Nature. -% - — Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle." - -[applause] - - — Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!" - — Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that. - — Leslie: I'll say! -% - — Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The -answer is mine. Say mine is better. - — Ron: It's not a competition. - — Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls -out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My -fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors! - — Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie! - — Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle -Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my -haird... -% - — Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones? - — Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game -of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, -they're telling human stories in a fantasy world. -% - — Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft -time? Lauren? - — Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein! - -[applause] - - — Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow -that. Ann? - — Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they -kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters. - — Everyone: ... - — Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws -dolls in the fire] - — Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important. -% - — Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we -treat ourselves to? - — Donna: Clothes. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Fragrances. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Massages. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Mimosas. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods. - — Tom: Treat Yo Self! - — Donna: It's the best day of the year. - — Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year! -% - — Ron: You are defecting? - — Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and -eat beans. - — Ron: Those beans were a reward. -% - — Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back -and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base. -% - — Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by -proving that we were better than them! - — Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better -solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum! - — Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren. - — Lauren: What was that? - — Leslie: I said great idea Lauren! -% - — Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie -Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30. -% - — Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's -expensive and there's no use for it. - — Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self. - — Ben: ... - — Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a -cashmere, velvet candy cane. - — Donna: Treat Yo Self! - — Ben: ...This is insane. -% -[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume] - - — Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd! - — Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing? - — Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. -You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes -you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? -You're gonna Treat Yourself! - — Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks -you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself! - — Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying. -% - — Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun? -% - — Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the -water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I -Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little -boys be super into me...that came out wrong. -% - — Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often -suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with -business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: -Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor. - — Tom: Oh my God! - — Leslie: I'm not going to use that. -% - — Ben: I take it we're having a party? - — Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry. - — Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have -an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room. - — Andy: That's a good point. -% - — Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of -problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint -at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced. -% - — Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman. - — Donna: Yup. You're a regular- - — Chris: -Sherlock Holmes!! I solved that mystery before you did. - — Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away] -% - — Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year? - — Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your -bathroom faucet is leaking? - — Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What -else do they want me to do? - — Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well. - — Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and -you touch the wire, YOU DIE!!! - — Ron: ...Yes that is accurate. -% - — Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. If -you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say -without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick. -% - — Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and -Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says -sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans. -% -[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners] - - — Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private -citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments. - — Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads. - — Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya. - -[Tanya looks insulted] - - — Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand behind -my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a -lot of support in the community for that. - -[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly] -% - — Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I -think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad. -% - — Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor! - — Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all -good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech? - — Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs -and sit on your own face!? -% -[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house] - - — Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on? - — Ron: I know more than you. - — Lowe's Employee: ...Alright. -% - — Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and -what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not -referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many -businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount -Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile -Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... Smooth Operator Bikini -Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan... -% -[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink] - - — Ann: Oh my God! We made it work! - — Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I -just love it so much. -% - — Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you. - — Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room. - — Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm -gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature. - -[starts beating up Ben] -% -[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink] - - — Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench. - — Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a -triple three bolt smack. - — Ron: That was nonsense. - — Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that! - — Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it. - — Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron. -% - — Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, -good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person. -% - — Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along -with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a -company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you. -% - — Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] -business. -% - — Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland? - — Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so. - — Leslie: OK, how about Japan? - — Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? -They've never been the bad guys. -% - — Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie! - — Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick -in front of your weeping mother! - — Ben: ...Good Lord. -% - — Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time -in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't -actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy. -% - — Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and -now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean? - — Ann: I think you know what it means. - — Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long -as possible so Ben and I can keep working together. - — Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant. - — Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and -then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I -will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann. - — Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes... - — Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful -pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently -support me on this gameplan. - — Ann: Leslie... - — Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann... - — Ann: Leslie... - — Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit -endorsement of all my behaviors. -% - — Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel -mill. He didn't think I should go to college. -% - — Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing? - — Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought -it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as -a joke to shut me up. - — Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that? - — Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt. -% - — Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links -Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking? - — Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively -prove... - — Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire -you and have you prosecuted. - — Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me -off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, -have fun with this trial. Yay! -% - — Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city -council again, Leslie. With our help. - — April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media. - — Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach. - — Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator. - — Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be. - — Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz. - — Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I -was supposed to come up with something. I... - — Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need. - — Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on -hold. - — Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on -hold. - — Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an -election! -% - — Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein. - — Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much! - — Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle. - — Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney? - — Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, -correct? - — Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might -not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about. -Don't know what QuickBooks are. - — Barney: You don't have any accounting experience? - — Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an -accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often? - — Nancy: To my job? - — Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it. - — Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the -spreadsheets? - — Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to -my place and I will rock your— - — Barney: You're fired! - — Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in? -% - — Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political -campaign. - — Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and -you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare -hands! - — Ann: No I haven't. - — Leslie: You haven't!? - — Ann: No! - — Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse. -% - — Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes -and say yes. - — Ann: Okay yes! - — Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann. - — Ann: Thank you. - — Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing -like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again. - — Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago. - — April: Wow you're doing a really bad job. -% - — Leslie: William, Elizabeth! - — William: Leslie, hi. - — Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm -relaunching my campaign? - — William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting -with other potential candidates for City Council. - — Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone -else and run theirs? - — Elizabeth: Yes that's our job. - — Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new -advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers. - — Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke -everything. - — Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in. - — William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly. - -[William and Elizabeth start walking away] - - — Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're -relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone. -% - — Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign -managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional -assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was -way better in my head. -% -[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion] - - — Ben: That is a three-legged dog. - — Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion. - — Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog -have when you found him? - — Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs -than most dogs can do with four. - — April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging. - — Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. -You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes -back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever. - — Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death. - — Andy: Yes! - — Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you. - — April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, -Andy and I have jobs. - — Ben: ...Cruel but fair. -% - — Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager. - — Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that -they wear a lot of dark colors. - — Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked -guys Ann. - — Ann: ...What? -% - — Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone? - — April: Here sit on my lap. - — Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap? - — Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it. - — Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap. - — Tom: Yes sir. -% - — Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you -wanna do. - — Pistol Pete: Okay. - — Leslie: I think you wanna dunk. - — Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball. - — Ann: What about a layup? -% - — Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years -old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what -laws are we breaking exactly? - — Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a -seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. -The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a -commercial license to drive a truck. - — Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what -constitutes a law. -% - — Leslie: Glenn you're killing me. - — Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to -get that gimp dog to bite me. - — Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I -both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and -do what comes naturally. - — Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate... -% - — Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming? - — Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the -biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage] - — Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What -happened to the rest of my face!? - — Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause -windows are the eyes to the house. -% - — Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that -you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here. - — Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that -term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there! - — Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?! - — April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry? -% - — Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as -a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem. -% - — Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always been -proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here when -they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that was -something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a -disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I -can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will -be interesting! -% - — Leslie: Ann you're fired. - — Ann: Oh thank God. -% - — Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the -town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in -the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections. -% - — Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is -wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business. - — Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects. - — John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam? - — Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day. - — John: Where will all the water go? - — Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never -happening and your dream has been crushed. - — Chris: We're very sorry. - — Ron: I am not. Good meeting. -% - — Jerry: Is everybody feeling good? - — April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls -to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse. -% - — Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. -Anything more and this becomes figure skating. -% - — Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared. -% - — Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. -[laughs] She's weird. -% - — Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love. - — Ann: What did you say something? - — Leslie: Love you! -% - — Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started. - — Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron. - — Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. -% - — Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in -her? - — Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything. - — Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. - — Leslie: Silence. - — Jerry: ...I don't think she does- - — Tom: Would she like some!? -% - — Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz. - — Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I -don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound. -% - — Andy: Aww cool cryptex!! Can I have it!? - — Ben: Hey! No, no you can't! - — Andy: Where'd you get it!? - — Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is? - — Andy: I know what things are. - — Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in -here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third -date. - — Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?' - — Ben: ...That's a four letter word. - — Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'? - — Ben: I really don't think it's that. - — Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the -second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know. - -[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office] - - — Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open. - — Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?' - — Andy: Ha! - — Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?! - — Andy: Just smart people. - — Ron: I think I might be able to help you. - — Andy: Told ya! - -[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex] -% -[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man] - - — Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann! - — Leslie: Jerry! Well done! - — Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual -Fun." Enrico here responded right away! - — Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay? - — Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude. - — Tom: You hired a male escort. - — Jerry: A what? - — Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here. - — Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God... -% - — Leslie: How are you? - — Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. -Can't imagine a more depressing place to be! - — Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and -you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to -'Single Ladies' by yourself? - — Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you? - — Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink! -% - — Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like -the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself. - — Chris: It is. - — Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you -rebound!? - — Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, -they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry] - — Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that! -% - — Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this -town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department. - — Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say. - — Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives? - — Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too. - — Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna -make a decision... - — Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at -O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an -answer. Weirdo can come, too. - — Ben: Alright. - — Leslie: Let's go. - — Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say... - — Leslie: Don't. - — Ben: ...that the boys in blue... - — Leslie: Stop. - — Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it -comes........9/11. - — Leslie: And we're walking. - — Ben: OK. -% - — Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, -involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I -relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is -southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement -at that time. -% - — Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people. -% - — Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing. -% - — Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee -seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying." -% - — Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to -slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I -slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious. -% - — Donna: Do I look like I drink water? -% - — Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means -you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other -implications as well. So those are a maybe. -% - — April: Why are you here eating alone? - — Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. -And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no -arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel. - — April: That's impossible. - — Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story. -% - — Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my -campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's -me. -% - — Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that -Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the -whole thing. -% - — Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make -anything sound positive. - — Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock -market. - — Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is -measured by the amount of love in your life. -% - — Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want -it to be me. -% - — Leslie: Is the menu all set? - — Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs. - — April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances! - — Andy: Sweet! - — Leslie: No! -% - — Donor: So you do a lot of investing? - — Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage -sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine -glass and stares at it] The economy. -% - — Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you -ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us -more money. That is all. Ron Swanson. -% - — Leslie: Do it!! Fierce!! Power!! Pump it up!! 2012!! Nothing gets me more -amped than Sarah McLachlan! -% -[Candidates are giving their opening statements] - - — Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you -your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium. - — Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! - — Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending -machines. - — Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know -about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year -alone. - — Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo! - — Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to -be the only woman in a room full of men. - — Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as -important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my -own children. -% - — Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people -do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is -having sex with men and women on camera. - — Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same -person. -% - — Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as -Eagle One. Ann, code name: Been There, Done That. April is Currently Doing -That. Donna is It Happened Once In A Dream. Chris, code name: If I Had To -Pick A Dude. Ben is Eagle Two. - — Ben: Oh thank God. -% - — Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell -you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel -the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate -this city's libraries!! - -[Applause and cheers from the crowd] -% - — Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day -all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon. -% - — Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go -down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and -then BAM, I start crying. -% - — Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?! - — Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop -campaigning. We stop, we lose! - — Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said. - — Ann: I'm not gonna beat him. - — Leslie: Not with that attitude! - — Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to -Bobby in person. - — Leslie: April? - — April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann! - — Leslie: Andy? - — Andy: If..I..If...The guy... - — Leslie: Okay! -% - — Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. -If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. -Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with -huge cans. - — Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to now about it. -% - — Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and -published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions? - — Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call -Mr. Newport a jerk? - — Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to -be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling -Nick Newport Hitler. - — Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call -"Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family -you'd like to attack? - — Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of -some kind? - — Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody. - — Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river? -% -[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes] - - — Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!! - — Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on? - -[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck] - - — Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me! - — Tom: Am I dead? - — Bill: WHAT THE HELL!? - — Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me. - — Bill: That is not what happened. - — Donna: I got witnesses. - — Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man. - — Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred." - — Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole. - — Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals. - — Bill: GAH!!! -% - — Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis -to everyone and you've come here to pie him! - — Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming! - — Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I -would love nothing- - -[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face] - - — Andy: Aww Fuck Ben!! Sorry!! - -[Police take Sewage Joe away] - - — Andy: Oh ho!!! I did it!!! - — Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job. -% - — Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt -so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were -playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, -tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and -gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real. -% - — Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope. - — Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the -concession speech you wrote for me. - — Ben: I never wrote it. -% - — Leslie: City Council, bitches! -% -— Andy: You OK, boss? - — Leslie: No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but -all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca. - — Andy: Who's Hot Rebecca? - — Leslie: She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares -confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses -into one woman called Hot Rebecca. - — Andy: Oooh. - — Leslie: I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super -PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat. - — Andy: [laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is -gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam. - — Leslie: No. - — Andy: Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass -Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up -on stuff. - — Leslie: Thanks. - — Andy: That's what makes you... - — Leslie: Nope. - — Andy: ...an amalgam. Nailed it. -% - — Ron: Your work is appreciated. Eat some corn. -% - — Leslie: I believe with my help all the restaurants can get healthier. -Paunch Burger, Big & Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough...which -was formally Sue's Salads...until we ran that out of town... -% - — Leslie: Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce -option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there -is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a -child size soda? - — Kathryn: Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child -were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59. -% - — Andy: I'm never gonna be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber. -% - — Ben: Every one of these little twerps is seriously connected. So new plan. -Instead of firing them, I'm going to kiss their asses like crazy! -% - — Kathryn: If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide -healthier options like Water Zero. - — Leslie: Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there -are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per -serving. Isn't that misleading? - — Kathryn: The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which -is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only -60 calories. -% -[At a public forum] - - — Leslie: I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses -lightly. - — Woman: No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas -and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in -ten years... - — Ann: ...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months? - — Woman: Well we have lots of other problems. -% - — Ben: Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right -everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab -a slice of Za bro! - — Ellis: Okay. - — Ben: Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!? - — Ellis: Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown. - — Ben: Dude! So did I! In college! - — April: Whoa! You guys should get married! -% - — Ben: Let's do it to it ma dudes! -% - — Man: I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's -vaginas. - — Ann: We're not taxing anyone's genitals. - — Man: Well what the hell are we doing here!? -% - — Leslie: Hey. - — Ann: Hey you look weird. - — Leslie: So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful. -% - — Ben: Hey Ellis! Elbow! El Chupacabra! Drinking coffee!! - — Ellis: ...What? - — Ben: Oh it's a...It's from 40 years ago. Never mind. -% - — Ellis: [on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes. - — April: [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up] - — Ellis: What is your problem?! - — April: My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and -if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know -where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your -eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a -dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that? - — Ellis: Yes. - — April: Do it! -% - — April: Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count. - — Ben: Ha. ...And I finished that last week. -% - — Leslie: The perm must wait, Autumn. THE...PERM...MUST...WAIT. -% - — Leslie: Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia. - — Andy: Woo! -% - — Leslie: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands and what -they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people style. A lot of -them haven't had proper sex education and as a result STDs are having a field -day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a -lot of crabs. -% - — Leslie: Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, -they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause -they're close to death. - — Ann: Also seniors can be pretty ornery. - — Andy: Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny." -% - — Leslie: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask -Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady -accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly -since LBJ was president! - — Ann: With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more -concerned with disease. - — Andy: [in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? - — Ann: I don't think so no. - — Andy: Cause that's happening to me...what should I do? - — Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat? - — Andy: [in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter. - — Leslie: [in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna -jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo! - — Ann: [to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a -doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 -to ride this train! - — Leslie: Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann] -% - — Marcia: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next -thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before -you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want? - — Leslie: [sarcastically] Yes that's what I want. -% - — Ann: So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan! - — Leslie: There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with -them on your own time! - — Andy: I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those. -% - — Marcia: I'm so glad you finally came to your senses. - — Marshall: Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading -at chapter three. - — Leslie: [flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your -Pants & No-one Is Invited... - — Ann: This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to -magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen! - — Marcia: Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania. - — Marshall: Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away] - — Ann: I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying. -% - — Marshall Langman: Guurrl, you look like Annie Oakley and Pippi -Longstocking had a baby and I LOVE it. -% - — Ben: [on phone with Leslie] I love you. - — Leslie: I love you too. What are you wearing? - — Ben: I can't do that right now. - -[Leslie laughs] -% - — Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those -death canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote -was really profane. - — Donna: [on her phone] That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't -like how I tweet, don't follow me. - — Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you. - — Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumbass conversation. -% - — Leslie: Okay so I have arranged for the parks department to throw a huge -garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee -Municipal Employee Healthcare Plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my -wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing -condition. -% - — Andy: Babe how much should I sell this hat for? - — April: I dunno, eight cents? - — Andy: Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard -"Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam. - — April: Ooh...$900. - — Andy: Yeah, that sounds about right. -% -[Leslie has to give up the house she wanted for her and Ben] - - — Leslie: Well my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while so I have -to back out. Just wanted to look at it one more time. - — Martha The Realtor: You know I can't give you your deposit back. - — Leslie: I know. - — Martha The Realtor: And there's a $300... - — Leslie: Alright Martha I get it! -% - — Ben: Marry me? - — Leslie: Oh, yeah! -% - — Ben: If there's anyone who can bring my parents together, its NO ONE. No -one can bring my parents together. -% - — Leslie: I'm so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops! - — Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints/ - — Leslie: We're getting married!! - — Ben: All right. -% - — Andy: I can never tell if people are lying to me. I hope that doesn't come -up in my police work -% - — Ben: Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond. -% - — Derry: Welcome to 'Thought For Your Thoughts,' I'm your host Derry -Murbles, sitting in for Nina Joplin who is touring the country performing a -spoken word opera about pear-shaped women. My guest today is City Councilwoman -Leslie Knope. - — Leslie: It is a pleasure to be back Derry. Your show last week on dolphin -lactation...was just riveting radio. Derry my team and I are trying to build a -park and we need input on the design from you, the citizens of Pawnee. So I -guess I'm here to send out the bat-signal. - — Derry: A bat-signal, for listeners who might not know, refers to the -children's character the Bat-Man, a strong gentleman who fights crime -nocturnally. - — Leslie: ...That's correct. Well put. This park is gonna be a celebration -of Pawnee, by Pawnee, and for Pawnee. So you know send in your plan, or your -resume and quick...Please hurry...This is all gonna fall apart if you don't -hurry. -% - — Leslie: Wow! Beautiful fountain!? Perfectly manicured shrubbery!? This is -like Parks Department porn! This guy is great! I don't care if he's some -junkie, war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind! - — Ben: His name is Wrestin Saint James. He's from Eagleton. - — Leslie: Oh I've changed my mind. -% - — Leslie: Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton I forget to breathe and I -pass out. -% - — Leslie: No we cannot have someone from Eagleton design a park for Pawnee. -We have had a blood feud that has lasted for 200 years! - — Ben: We don't have a lot of time and he is the first decent candidate. So -let's at least go meet the guy. - — Leslie: Yeah. That's a good idea. Then we can reject him face to face. I -like your plan. - — Ben: ... -% - — Andy: Chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at Pawnee -City Hall. Only one problem. It's a terrible job. -% - — Leslie: No one from Eagleton has ever wanted to help anyone from Pawnee -for any reason. In 1988 we were hit by a tornado. We asked Eagleton for help -and they claimed they weren't home. An entire town claimed they weren't home. -% - — Ron: Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start -work on that right away? - — Chris: Yes sir! - — Ron: [to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere. -% - — Ben: I don't know if you knew this, but Leslie was born in Eagleton. - — Leslie: Do not blame me for the sins of my mother! -% - — Ben: Were you listening to him when he was talking about serving the -public and making our communities better? You know who he sounds like right? - — Leslie: Yes! Idi Amin. Or Lord Voldemort. - — Ben: No. You! -% - — Ben: Mr. Saint James. This has been a strange day but we wouldn't wanna -leave you with the wrong impression of Pawnee. - — Andy: [runs in] HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN HITLER!? [runs out] - — Ben, Leslie & Wrestin: ... -% - — Tom: Well done Team! What do ya think of the place? - — Ann: Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale -but it looks a lot like dried phlegm. - — Donna: For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins -tried to commit suicide. - — Chris: I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved -it. - — Ann: So you like the place? - — Chris: Oh no it's quite terrible. - — Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I -have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party! - — Jerry: One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!? - — Tom: Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by -the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off] - — Ron: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the -perfect party. -% -[Two Eagletonians are presenting their offensive park design] - - — Woman: We present the crown jewel of Pawnee containing the sights, sounds -and most importantly, smells that define your city. - — Man: There are several drool buckets for your more slack-jawed citizens. -We also have food troughs full of cheeseburgers and public showers with -instructions for those who've never showered before. - -[Pause] - - — Leslie: [quietly with rage] You have five seconds to get out of here or I -will rip your throats out. - — Ben: Out! Now! - — Woman: Oh hey, my backyard is bigger than your park so... - -[Ben holds Leslie back from charging her] - - — Ben: Leslie stay back! Stay back! -% - — April: Alright so does this look familiar? - — Andy: No not at all. - — April: I was talking to Joey. - — Joey's Mom: Joey! - — Joey: Mommy! - — Joey's Mom: Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! -You'll never know how much I appreciate it! - — Andy: Well just doin my job ma'am. - — Joey: Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler. - — Joey's Mom: ...What? - — April: Don't worry about it. - -[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away] - - — April: Wow you made those losers very happy. -% - — Ben: What the Hell happened man!? - — Wrestin: I had nothing to do with that stupid prank. In fact that's why -I'm late, I was firing the two people who were responsible and I was escorting -them out of the building. - — Ben: Well...good! - — Wrestin: Full disclosure. Certain people in the firm wanted to promote -them but I insisted they be fired. - — Ben: If you swear to me that your serious, maybe we can salvage this. - — Wrestin: I would really love to. But what about Leslie? I doubt that she -could ever get over the bad blood between our towns. - — Ben: I think you're wrong. Leslie is a very forgiving person. - -[Leslie runs up and start spraying shaving cream all over Wrestin] - - — Leslie: REVENGE!!! Hahaha this is for Pawnee you buttfaced pompous jerk!! -WOOOOO!!! I love you Ben! PAWNEE FOREVER!!! You want a stupid tie!? [spraying -his tie] I'll give you a stupid tie! Haha Wrestin!! Suck it!! Now we're even. - — Ben: Leslie. - — Leslie: Huh? - — Ben: He didn't do it and he fired the people who did. - — Leslie: ... [drops cans and runs away] -% - — April: It's been a pleasure serving with you son. - — Andy: If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, -probably having sex with you. -% - — Tom: Welcome to the new new Rent-A-Swag now with 30% more swag. I used the -money you guys gave me to add a little flair and I took everything I own in my -house and brought it here. Except for my bed. I basically live here now. - — Ron: I hate all of this. Which probably means it's good for your business. -% - — Leslie: Merry Congratuchristmas! - — Ron: What? -% - — Ron: Recently I made a chair. When I was finished I thought it was a good -chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it -merited consideration for an award...It's been a real whirlwind!! -% - — Leslie: Oh! I forgot to sing you my Merry Congratuchristmas carol! Jingle -bells! Jingle yay! Jingle good for you! - — Ron: Get out. - — Leslie: Yeah. okay. -% - — Andy: I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw -up. -% - — Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. - — Tom: HA! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. - — Ann: ...If you're kidding you suck but if you're serious, I actually have -been thinking about it. Hey April, Matlock called, he wants his cardigan back. -BOOM! I'm out. [walks out] - — April: Who's Matlock? -% - — Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment -from the past year. - — April: Yes! - — Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on the cinnabun and landed in a bunch of -garbage. - — April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue! - — Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup -with glue and he didn't know. You're so cute when you're bullying babe! - — Donna: ...You know what, Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick -up Jerry. - — April & Tom: No!! - — Donna: It's Christmas time. Don't you wanna be good people? - — Tom: Not really. - — April: Never! -% -[Leslie talking about Diane] - - — Leslie: Smart, funny, independent and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane -Sawyer! -% -[Leslie is giving Ron two thumbs up] - - — Leslie: Ron guess why my thumbs are up! - — Ron: No. - — Leslie: Because I am giving you my 100% approval about Diane. She is -perfect for you! She gets you! She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin -neat, for you! I mean she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring -woodworking stuff! - -[Everyone around them looks offended] - - — Leslie: I'm sorry but you know it's not the Superbowl guys, let's take it -down a notch. Anyway, you have my approval. - — Ron: I don't need your approval. - — Leslie: But you have it. - — Ron: Don't need it. - — Leslie: But you got it! -% - — Leslie: This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life! I am -so so happy for him- - -[Tammy Two walks in] - - — Tammy Two: Hello you gorgeous craftsman! Wow look at this room! So much -wood ready to be worked. - — Leslie: ...Fuck me! -% - — Leslie: Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert! - — Ron: She's here isn't she? - — Tammy Two: Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be -here! - — Ron: Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named -Tammy who is also my ex-wife. - — Tammy Two: Twice ex-wife! We were married twice. - — Leslie: And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! -Tammy! What are you doing here? - — Tammy Two: Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled. -% - — Ann: Well Well Well, You want to come in to Jerry's party. And why is -that? - — April: I need a place to deliver this baby Ann!! It's coming out of me -right now!! I'm pregnant!! - — Ann: This is a lovely party, thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. -There's no place for meanies. - — April: Oh forget it I'm coming in. - -[April tries to get in but Ann holds her off with ease] - - — April: Ow! Get off me! Uhh!! - — Ann: You're so weak! Really? I mean I'm barely even doing anything. Are -you iron deficient? Let me look at your pulse. - — April: It's because of your man strength! Mann Perkins. - — Tom: Let us in Ann it's cold outside and I can't wear mittens because -they're unflattering to my hands! - — Ann: Sorry guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something -nice for Jerry. - — Donna: Hey! I already did something nice for Jerry. I drove here to take -him to Jerry Dinner. - — Ann: Aww Donna! You can come in. - — Donna: Oh okay! [walks inside while the others protest] He He He He! Merry -Christmas Bitches!! -% - — Tammy Two: Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same -table! - — Leslie: Tammy, this table is reserved. - — Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my -boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron? - — Diane: Subtle. -% - — Ann: Well hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold -out here it reminds me of my wife's lasagna! - — April: ...I actually like that one. -% - — Chris: To Tom Haverford! Wooo! - — Tom: And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place -% - — Ann: Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped! -% - — Tom: I can't keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian's -husband and his friends. -% - — April: You know what? I think men are better than women. - — Leslie: She's kidding - — April: No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they -are our masters. - — Leslie: April. Stop it! - — April: Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone. -% - — Ron: Girls this is Ann. Talk to Ann, she's terrific. - — Ann: ...Hey dudettes! You stoked about the weekend...no. Oh! Look at this -pwetty pwetty wittle bead. - — Ron: They're not infants. - — Ann: I don't know. I'm weird with kids. So...you guys like Coldplay? - — Zoey: You're weird. - — Ann: You're-[runs out] - — Jerry: Well hey girls! - — Ivy: ...No. - — Jerry: Okay. Thanks. [walks away] -% - — Ann: But it was actually a blood-hungry witch who was wearing their mom's -face like a mask!! - — Zoey & Ivy: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! - — Ron: Hahaha! What is wrong with you woman? - — Ann: Sorry I thought kids liked ghost stories! -% - — Leslie: Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome. - — April: And some privacy to violate! - — Leslie: Yeah!! - — April: Woo! - — Leslie: ...Wait no. -% - — Andy: You are officially a baller. - — Tom: I've been a baller since birth, son. Now, I'm an athlete. -% - — Ron: Jerry. I never thought I would say this, but I am so glad you're here. -% - — Ron: Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there. - — Leslie: Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't -mean to say that. -% - — Ann: It's not that bad. Nobody got hurt. - — Ron: It's extremely bad! I love this woman, and I just wanna show her that -I'm capable of watching her children without something horrible happening. -[Ann's mouth is open] What?! - — Ann: Did you just say you love Diane? - — Ron: No. I did not. - — Ann: Yes you did! That is so cute! - — Ron: For God's sake, Hanson, will you please focus on the larger problem!! - — Zoey & Ivy: [singing] Oooooo!!! Ron loves mommy!! Ron Loves mommy!! - — Ron: Girls! Girls! I don't know what you think you heard but please don't -tell your mother what you incorrectly think you heard. - — Ann:[singing] Ron loves mommy!! [the girls join in] - — Ron: I LOVE NOTHING!!! [runs out] - — Jerry: [giggles as Ron runs past] -% - — April: Those guys suck okay! We have to prove them wrong! Look all we have -to do is get some PCP, you can move anything on Angel Dust. My cousin Hestin, -he beat up five cops on that stuff. -% - — Leslie: Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. -And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she was dating a guy for -six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, -Ann... and Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make -sense to me. -% - — Ron: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my -food eats. -% - — Ben: [trying to pick a caterer for his wedding] Tom, what about you? - — Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. -Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy dutch woman guarding a dark -secret. - — Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful. - — Tom: But number three's told a story- a story from a book I wouldn't read -but I would watch the movie of. - — Ben: That's nonsense. -% - — April: So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's Fleetwood Mac sex -pants. - — Andy: Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. [snaps fingers] -Ooh, you know what? Maybe just Fleetwood Mac. -% - — Tom: It smells like some vomit took a dump in here. -% - — Tom: [Ben, Ron, and Chris all have food poisoning] I didn't eat those -stupid mini-calzones. Haver-Food rule number six- Never eat anything with a -sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid. -% - — Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you. - — Animal Control: Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them. -% - — Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which -is bad. -% - — Ron: [fielding different questions] The next thing you'll want to do is -ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a -cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the Gala. Next caller. - -Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. - -Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are ponzi schemes run by morons. -Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. -Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" -"Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in -this country. -I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie -Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller. -% - — Leslie: How did you get the word out? - — Ben: Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass. - — Ron: I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. -It's been a very rewarding day. -% - — Tom: Love? Love fades away. But things? Things are forever. -% - — Donna: Did you just pee your pants? - — Jerry: Just a dab. - — Donna: You nasty Jerry. -% - — Chris: I hate to say this, but Ann Perkins has terrible taste in rings. -% - — Jerry: When I heard Ben was getting married, I was all, "to Leslie or to -Game of Thrones." - — Tom: Nooooo... Jerry! -% - — Ben: [tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is -crooked] How's it looks. - — Chris: Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry -tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... -break it a sixth. - — Ben: Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay. - — Chris: I have something for you. - — Ben: All right. - — Chris: It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have -been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010. - — Ben: [quietly] No way. - — Chris: We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those -eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both -found a home. - — Ben: Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me. - — Chris: It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh] -% - — Ron: [to Leslie] Before we go inside, I'd like to say something. You are a -wonderful person. [voice breaks] Your friendship means a lot to me. And you -look very beautiful. -% - — Ron: People who buy things are suckers. -% - — Leslie: Ah, what am I going to do? I just opened a can of whoop ass on -myself! -% - — Leslie: Oh Ann. You're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault, -you've never had to compensate for anything. -% - — Ron: I wish this office was just walls. -% - — Ann: Before I write that letter, you have to spend a whole week doing -everything I say. - — April: So what, I have to be your slave or something? - — Ann: No, you have to be my friend - — April: Ugh, that's so much worse. -% - — Chris: You're a smart successful young man with an adorable belly. -% - — Chris: Last year I won an organic gardening contest. - — Donna: Who were you competing against? - — Chris: My own taste buds. -% - — Ron: There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is -water that's lying about being milk -% - — Tom: May I say for the record that is a dope pocket square -% - — April: HIs nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable. -% - — April: We should sue Jamm's parents for spawning a human turd burger. -% - — Ron: On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him -several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I -barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And -when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the -ground. I regret nothing. The end. -% - — Ann: How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? - — Ron: One. - — Ann: That's it? One drink? - — Ron: One shelf. - — Ann: Do you exercise? - — Ron: Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking. - — Ann: Do you have any history of mental illness in your family - — Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga. - — Ann: Allergies? - — Ron: Cowardice and weak willed man....and hazelnuts - — Ann: Sexual History? - — Ron: Epic and Private -% - — Tom: Pop quiz. Name the scent. - — Ben: Ummm Spasm. No, Butterface. -% - — Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave. - — April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for -animal control? - — Orin: I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind. - — Leslie: Get out. - — Orin: I made you say that. [gets up and leaves] - — Chris: I liked him. -% - — Leslie: April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion -bottles] - — April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused -like a railway worker. - — Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud. - — April: [smiles] Really? Thanks. -% - — Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd -choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do -nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done. -% - — Ann: I keep getting outbid by someone call Tall Tyrion Lannister. What -kind of name is that? - — Donna: Are you kidding me? Tyrion Lannister? Lord of Casterly Rock? The -half man? You don't watch Game of Thrones? - — Ann: No, do you? - — Donna: Hell, yeah! Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it! -Everyone on that show can get it! -% - — Ann: Stop bidding on my waffle iron. - — Ben: You're futuremrstigerwoods? - — Ann: I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change -it. The point is I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for Breakfast Day. - — Ben: Uh, no, you're not. I'm getting it for her for Waffle Day. Wait, you -have a breakfast day too? Mine's in June. - — Ann: Please, Ben. This is the celebration of the anniversary of the first -time we hung out at JJ's, which she considers the beginning of our friendship. - — Ben: Well, imagine being married to her. It's like being smothered with a -hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories. I can't believe I'm -complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. [loud to the room] Sorry, honey. I -love you. - — Ann: Look, I have known her for longer, I have five years' worth of -anniversaries, so I have seniority. - — Ben: Oh, god. Oh, no! We've lost the auction. - — Ann: What- no! - — Ben: Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed. - — Ann: No! Okay, Tyrion Lannister, why don't you just cast a spell and get -us the waffle iron back? - — Ben: Oh, okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. -[pause] Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. The Lannisters while very -wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the warlocks of Qarth -for example. - — Ann: This is why we don't hang out. -% - — Tom: One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do -to! I just moved. -% - — Ron: There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger. -% - — April: My spirit blood is on your hands. -% - — Tom: Ron, ask me if I am sad. - — Ron: No -% - — Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is -like a giant puppy with no shame. -% - — Tom: I'm gonna buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as -well lean into it. -% -— Andy: Look, Hogwarts. - — Ben: No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know -that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that. -% - — Ron: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that -was a mistake. -% - — Ron: I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here? - — Leslie: Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's -a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops. - — Ron: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher -shops first. -% - — Ron: I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the -stench of European socialism. -% - — Tom: Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a -disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an -island. In space. -% - — Ben: Hey, you wanted to see me? - — Chris: I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast! - — Ben: Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old -calculator. It doesn't have a name. -% - — Leslie: Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you -know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer -burn widows for learning arithmetic. -% - — Leslie: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The -Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm -told is a fancy horse riding thing. - — Alonso: It is horse dancing madam! - — Leslie: Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your -saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments! - — April: Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law! - — Leslie: No! -% - — Leslie: I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new -filing temp... - — Jerry: [walking in] Hey everybody! - — April: NOOOOO!!! - — Tom: Noooo!!! Why!? This can't be happening!! - — Ron: Why Leslie!? -% - — Chris: When we were state auditors we had an amazing system. - — Ben: Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy -and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons! - — Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing! - — Ben: You're all fired! - — Chris: Teamwork! -% - — Jerry: When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting -on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because -Pawnee needs me. -% - — April: I'm sorry was your name Jennifer? - — Tynnyfer: No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then -I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some -pills] - — April: ...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's -April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks. - — Tynnyfer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up -where do I get that? - — April: Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona? - — Tynnyfer: I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of -them before. Are they better!? - — April: Winona rocks my world. - — Tynnyfer: Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. -Must. - -[cut to April being interviewed] - - — April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world -with her. -% - — Leslie: Hey this is a surprise! - — Ann: Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear -some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird? - — Leslie: Is everything okay? - — Ann: Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn. - — Leslie: Oh hello! - — Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton. - — Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are -very healthy. - — Leslie: Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because -Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known -occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks. - — Ann: Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk -some more words into Leslie's face. -% - — Leslie: Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, -with your tiny little doll feet. - — Ann: Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm -gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn. - — Leslie: What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew -she was a monster! -% - — Leslie: Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by -treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties? - — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like -totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking -like so much forever! - — Tynnyfer: It's all so delicious! - — April: I know right!? - — Tynnyfer: This is like the best day ever! - — April: I know I'm eating it all up! - — Leslie: Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting -away like a...dying turd flower... - — April: Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut! - — Tynnyfer: And Skank! - — April: How crazmazing is that Les!? -% - — Leslie: Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to -stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy -forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a -garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings! -% - — Donna: Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of -medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too -much of today? - — Craig: Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too -much!! AND IT'S INCURABLE!! ...Also, I have eczema. -% - — Leslie: Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your -job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I -think Craig's gonna have to go. - — Donna: No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met -anyone who cares more about this job. - — Leslie: Huh Donna. I'm right here. - — Donna: No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose -between him and me, I'd choose him. - — Leslie: What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!? - — Donna: I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in -Seattle, the fiance in Denver... - — Leslie: Huh!? - — Donna: It won't last. -% - — Ann: Okay we need to talk! - — Leslie: I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent -from that new town you might move to!! -% -[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts] - - — Ron: Why are you doing this? - — Leslie: What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally -binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!? - — Ron: You have lost your mind. - — April: [still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les. - -[Everyone storms out] - - — Leslie: Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead!! Is that better!?! -% - — Ron: What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? - — Eagleton Ron: Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural -plant extract. - — Ron: Shut your damn mouth. - — Eagleton Ron: No need to curse. - — Ron: There most certainly is! -% - — Leslie: Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All -Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally. -% - — Leslie: So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're -not "Ann pretty" but you have potential. - — Evelyn: ...Thank you but I don't work in this department- - — Leslie: Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie. -% -[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers] - - — Leslie: Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then -become familiar best friends. - — Craig: I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo -gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown! - — Leslie: Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys -remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig -said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do -you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably. - -[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie] - - — Ron: This way please. - — Leslie: Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best -friends attack Ron!!! - -[Everyone looks very confused] -% - — Ron: Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!? - — Leslie: I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as -I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!! - — Ron: ... - — Leslie: Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris. - — Ron: Well that's nice. - — Leslie: Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically -hot betrayal!!! -% - — Leslie: We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my -opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark -stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to -do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall -Knope? Don't." - — Donna: Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?" - — Leslie: ...Yeah that's a much better idea. - — April: Can I have these question mark stickers? - — Leslie: Why? - — April: I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out] - — Leslie: April no! -% - — Ron: That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to -my wife"? - — Ben: It's a complicated legal document. - — Ron: It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had -the same will since I was eight years old. - — Ben: [reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the -man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols? - — Ron: The man who kills me will know. - — Ben: Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. -You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer. - — Ron: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, -congressman and doctor. Pass. - — Ben: Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if -you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the -government. - — Ron: [pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of? -% - — Leslie: That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying? - — Donna: Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that -was your thing. - — Leslie: My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making -friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really -cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo! - — Donna: Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about -work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs. -% - — Leslie: I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying? - — Chris: No. - — Leslie: Are you lying? - — Chris: No. - — Leslie: Are you trying to protect my feelings? - — Chris: No. - — Leslie: Do you think I'm being annoying right now? - — Chris: Yes. - — Leslie: So you do think I'm annoying! - — Chris: I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think -that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that -driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of -things. I like cooking. And racquetball! - — Leslie: Now who's annoying? - — Chris: I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns -out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall -haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. -#BossBitch." - — Leslie: "Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet -for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch." - — Chris: It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her -frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like -racquetball, for your mouth. -% - — Leslie: I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one person's -annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are we to -judge? - — Donna: And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things. - — Leslie: I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the -future. - — Donna: And I can't promise that I won't complain about it. - — Leslie: Deal. - -[They shake hands] - - — Leslie: I got you an apology present. - — Donna: Oh? - — Leslie: It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got -the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same -time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you -feel about them individually. - — Donna: Let me take a picture. - — Leslie: Are you tweeting this? - — Donna: Mmmhmm. - — Leslie: What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?" - — Donna: Yeah it's "PsychoBoss." - — Leslie: Well, I don't hate that. -% - — Leslie: I cannot wait to hear your Travolta. - — Jamm: Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're -Zuko. - -[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease] - - — Chris: [To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No -twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty! -% - — Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his -financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for -the land. - — Ron: Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin? - — Donna: I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. -Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi... - — Ron: You're describing a hotel. -% - — Jamm: You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you -when you're gone. - — Leslie: Oh... - — Jamm: You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor. - — Leslie: You want to be Lex Luthor? - — Jamm: Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich. - — Leslie: Well okay. I can't argue with that. -% - — Leslie: Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting! - — Chris: She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the -University of Michigan. Go Blue! - — Leslie: ... - — Chris: It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family. - — Leslie: What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no -"Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! -It's ridiculous! -% - — Jamm: Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going -for but I dig your gambit. - — Leslie: There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the -way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool. - — Jamm: I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice -very grating. - — Leslie: I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home. -% -[After making a deal with Jamm] - - — Jamm: Deal guys. You must really want that park. - — Leslie: I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best -friend. [talking about Ann] - — Jamm: That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too. - — Leslie: ... -% - — Leslie: Are you sure you're okay with what you did? - — Chris: Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on -the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope. - — Leslie: Mmmhmmm - — Chris: And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away. - — Leslie: Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening. -% - — Ben: Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city -counselor so everyone be extra supportive. - — Ron: Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind -nod. - — Ben: ...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on -her last day. Any ideas? - — Donna: A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay -away from wine! Wine is crying juice. - — Larry: Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really -want more than anything in the world? - — Ben: ...A nice candle! I'm screwed. -% - — Leslie: Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone -through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat -adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the -episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it -that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now. -% -[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein] - - — Dr. Saperstein: So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus -I've ever seen. This could be a superhero! - — Chris: Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you -destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!!! - — Ann: We love you! - — Dr. Saperstein: I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex? - — Chris: Oh my God! Should we? - — Ann: No, right? Or maybe yes? - — Chris: Is there an option other than yes or no? - — Dr. Saperstein: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. -Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila! - — Ann: That'll be fun! - — Chris: It's like the Oscars! - — Ann: Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait -no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great! - — Chris: ... -% -[Ann and Chris are having lunch] - - — Chris: I would be thrilled if we have a girl! - — Ann: Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it! - — Chris: And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily... - — Ann: Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! -[To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you -don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your -face into the deep fryer!! - -[The waitress starts nervously walking away] - - — Chris: And also two waters please but no hurry. - — Ann: Thank you! -% -[reading Dr. Saperstein's note] - - — Chris: We are having a...distributions. - — Ann: ... - — Chris: That's what it looks like. "Distributions." - — Ann: Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says "I -Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf? - — Chris: We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet." - — Ann: I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation!! The suspense is -killing me!! - — Chris: I'm calling Dr. Saperstein. - — Ann: I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I -hope so. -% - — Leslie: Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a -big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City -Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now. - — Everyone: ... - — Leslie: Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's -happening? Right? - — Tom: Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the -worst. - — Leslie: April? - — April: I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned -into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it. - — Leslie: Andy? - — Andy: I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go -through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three -days. - — Leslie: Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words -carry great influence so what do you think I should do? - — Ron: I do not think that you should run again. - — Leslie: What the Hell do you know dum dum!!? -% - — Jennifer: Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting? - — Leslie: Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family? - — Jennifer: Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of -that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband? - — Leslie: ...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk. -% - — Jennifer: Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. -But why would you want to? - — Leslie: Because it's my dream job. - — Jennifer: Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by -monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at -a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in -the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and -confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for -kicks. - — Leslie: Is that what you did? - — Jennifer: Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee -has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got -name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a -thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are -doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you -to lie. -% - — Jennifer: Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're -gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars. - — Leslie: Uh...I just need to... - — Jennifer: I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me -$1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you -Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move -this back? Don't answer it! -% - — Leslie: Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower. - — Ron: Dear God woman! - — Leslie: Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my -personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like -an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I -have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller. - — Ron: We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner] - — Leslie: Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. - -[Leslie spots baby John in the corner] - - — Leslie: [Gasps] Oh my God whose baby is that!? - — Ron: That would be mine. - — Leslie: Guys get in here!! Ron has a baby!! - — Andy: Oh Ron. Cool baby. - — Ron: Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, -John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing -multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of -silence. Please keep your voices down. - — Leslie: How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, -and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!! - — Ron: Why would you need to know something like that? - — Leslie: [pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent -Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift -yet! - — April: Should we do something? - — Ron: Just let her tire herself out. - — Larry: If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know. - — Ron: Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet -store and pick up some fish food for me? - — Leslie: WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!? -% - — April: Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the -graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs" - — Leslie: I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the -worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle -giving the middle finger. - — Andy:Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it. -% - — Leslie: A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it -is time to tear down this wall! - -[Applause from crowd] - - — Leslie: In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the -first strike. Take it away guys! - -[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall] - - — Leslie: It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the -hole] BEES!! BEES!! NOBODY PANIC!! - -[Everyone starts screaming and running away as the bees start stinging people] - - — Craig: [running away] OHHH NOOO!!! - — Random Citizen: AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!! - — Jamm: [filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid -Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight -to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK!! FUCK!! - — Andy: [shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung -once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing! -% - — Reporter: Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were -from Eagleton. How did you pull that off? - — Leslie: I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest -to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing -at the Eagletonians. - — Reporter: How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take -to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton? - — Leslie: They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a -prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should -treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their -walls for bees! - — Reporter: Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there! - — Leslie: Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out] - — Reporter: What else can you do with your bees!? - — Reporter: Leslie what's your next prank!? -% - — Larry: Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks -Service. - — Leslie: I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! -Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee -hole disaster! - — Larry: Okey dokey. - — Leslie: Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my -bee hole. -% - — Leslie: I am so incredibly sorry. - — Eagletonian: That's very kind of you Miss Knope. - — Leslie: I hope you look a lot less gross very soon. -% - — Jamm: Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go -there for me? Some dirty mags? - — Leslie: No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who -got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain! - — Jamm: Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang. -% - — Mike Patterson: Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live -ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving -cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims. - — Leslie: These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came -here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung. - — Mike Patterson: Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, -known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm. - — Jamm: Excuse me Mike, that's best friend. - — Leslie: Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and -bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who! - — Jamm: Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from -Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!? - — Leslie: Mine! It was my idea! - — Mike Patterson: You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie -Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. -And I for one am sick of it. -% - — Leslie: The point is, will you go to Prom with me? - — Ben: Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of -course I will. - — Leslie: Yay!!! Prom!!! -% - — Leslie: Tom, you're in charge of music. - — Ben: Aww man. Well alright. - — Leslie: Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little -puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws. - — Donna: Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you -two. Ya'll are an official warning. -% - — Leslie: Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were -discontinued. - — Allison: They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels. - — Leslie: Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business! - — Allison: They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca. - — Ben: ...What is happening right now? -% - — April: Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live -together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine. - — Larry: What does laked mean? - — Andy: I tried to jump it over a lake!! Why don't you stay out of our -conversations Larry!! - — Larry: Will do! [chuckles and walks off] -% - — Leslie: We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April -Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I -don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program. -% - — Ron: What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of -freedom? - — Allison: ... - — Leslie: That's what he calls City Hall. - — Allison: Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was -thinking about taking it. - — Ron: [laughing] Oh no no no no!! No! I respect your father too much to let -his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job -for the summer? - — Leslie: Why don't you shut your mustache!!? - — Allison & Ron: ... - — Leslie: Sorry. -% - — Ben: My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the house -without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living room...I -think I'm still messed up from it. -% - — Leslie: [in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I -will defeat you! Mark my words! - — Ron: Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships. -% - — Ron: I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we -slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at -the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown -it. -% - — Andy: Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an -eagle's poetry. - — April: Andy. I hate teenagers! - — Andy: If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's -like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. -Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I -watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good -movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance? -% - — Leslie: So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a -little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm -handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion. - — Allison: So just...pull the rope. - — Leslie: That's right! -% - — Donna: I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. Like -I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Dukes to the final -four. - — April: I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a -good time. - -[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time] - - — April: How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves? - — Donna: That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the -most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be -direct. - -[guy walks up to Donna] - - — Guy: Hey girl. Are you ready to go? - — Donna: I feel like I told you to wait in the car. - — Guy: ...Yeah. [walks off] - — Donna: See? Be direct. -% - — Ron: Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your -awkward, close quarters gyrating. - -[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage] - - — Leslie: And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection -please!! -% - — Girl: Where'd you get that dress? - — April: I was buried in it. - — Girl: ... [awkwardly walks away] -% - — Ben: You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me. - — Tom: Yeah. You're old as shit!! Thanks Ben. - — Ben: Glad I could help. -% - — Allison: Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend. - -[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison] - - — Leslie: [shocked] ...Greg Pikitis? - — Greg: What up Knope!? - — Leslie: Hello Gregory. - — Allison: You guys know each other? - — Leslie: You might say that. - — Greg: Come on baby, let's get out of here. - -[Greg and Allison walk away] - - — Ron: It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right? - — Leslie: Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible -judgement. - -[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling -her dress to a tablecloth] - - — Leslie: PIKITIS!! -% - — Leslie: It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work -to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our -poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's -history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant -"ethically reprehensible." -% - — Leslie: Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! -People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry. - -[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk] - - — Larry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home? - — Leslie: The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail. -% - — April: April Ludgate, professional drinker. - — Woman: Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate? - — April: The Wine...Academy. - — Woman: The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!? - — April: Yes! - — Woman: Carol. Make sure she's in Group A. - — Craig: Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know -everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and -this is my debit rewards card! -% - — Andy: I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the -candy isles but won't get any. - — Leslie: You can buy two candies. - — Andy: TWO!? [runs off] - — Pharmacist: Can I help you? - — Leslie: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, -it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good -stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff. -% -[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel] - - — Craig: Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly -pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!! - — April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and -just a hint of a robot's bathwater. - — Craig: It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace -beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night -sky is full of stars!! - — April: This comes from...your mother's butt. -% - — Chip McCapp: Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!!? And stack em -for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid! - — Chip's Dad/Manager: You got it Chip! - — Chip McCapp: Ugh my dad is such an idiot. - — Andy & Leslie: ... -% - — Chip's Dad/Manager: Here you go Chip. - — Chip McCapp: Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey!! You -dick!! I want ham!! - — Chip's Dad/Manager: Sorry son they were out of ham. - — Chip McCapp: Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then? - -[throws plate at his Dad] - - — Chip McCapp: Pick em up skip. - — Andy: [whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks -that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that! - — Leslie: [whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him. - — Chip McCapp: Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!! - — Chip's Dad/Manager: Anticipating Chip! -% - — Official: Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of -a Sommelier Certificate. - — April: Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so -much everyone!! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you -spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid. - — Official: Security! - -[security begins to escort April out] - - — April: I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh -Pluto Nash. All the Klumps... -% - — Eagleton Ron: Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine -evening? - — Ron: Motherfucker! - — Ben: Whoa where'd you come from? - — Eagleton Ron: Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether -your conception of time is linear or circular. - — Ben: ...What? - — Eagleton Ron: Hello Ron. - — Ben: Ron, you know this hobo? - — Eagleton Ron: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department. - — Ben: Dude, are you a ghost? - — Eagleton Ron: Am I? - — Ben: ...What is happening right now!?! -% - — Leslie: You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and -you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms!! -...That make us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go -Andy! -% - — Tom: Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd -have to show me you can bring it down a notch. - — Craig: I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!!! -% - — Leslie: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho? - — Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine. -% -[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig] - - — Craig: Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight? - — Tom: Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red. - — Craig: You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with -your fish. - — Donna: No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine. - — April: I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a -glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around -please. - — Craig: ...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out] - — Tom: Seems to be keeping it together - — Craig: [from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I -KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!!! - -[Craig comes back with the wine] - - — Craig: For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring -out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which -should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would -you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white. - — Tom: Thanks very much! - — Craig: Enjoy. [walks out] - — Tom: I think I might have found my new sommelier. - — Craig: [from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!!! - — Tom: I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof. -% - — Ben: So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items. - — April: I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar. - — Leslie: That's great April! How'd you do that!? - — April: It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing -Anthony Kiedis. -% - — Leslie: We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity -concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The -Stream with a Sacajawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, -microphones, water, that boring stuff too. -% - — Andy: I am not good at keeping secrets!! That's exactly what I told Kyle -when he told me his wife was cheating on him. - — Kyle: ANDY! COME ON!! - — Andy: Ah!! See! - — Kyle: Not cool man!! - — Andy: Not him! Not that Kyle! -% - — Donna: You wanted to see me? - — Ron: Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor. - — Donna: WHAT!??! Ron Swanson asking for help!? - — Ron: KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!!! -% -[Leslie is getting an ultrasound] - - — Dr. Saperstein: Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's -your healthy baby! - — Leslie: Oh wow. - — Dr. Saperstein: Oh! And there's another one! - — Ben: The baby has two bodies? - — Leslie: Twins! Ben we're having twins! - — Dr. Saperstein : No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here. - — Leslie: ...Triplets!? Triplets!? - — Dr. Saperstein: And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of -cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a -bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare! - — Ben: Triplets... - — Leslie: Triplets... -% - — Leslie: I can't believe it!! We knocked it out of the park on the first -try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court! - — Ben: This is insane. - — Leslie: This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we -got the proof! - — Dr. Saperstein: Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more -frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to -releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean -to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale." -% - — Ben: [to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all -our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot -higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to -RELAX?! - -[Leslie enters] - - — Leslie: Are you ready to go, my gentle dove? - — Ben: Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love -you. - -[Leslie exits] - - — Ben: [to the camera] We are so fucking screwed. -% - — Andy: Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying. - — April: Lie. - — Andy: Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has. - — April: ... - — Andy: Leslie is dying- - — April: No. - — Andy: They're both dying. - — April: No! - — Andy: I'm dying. - — April: ... - — Andy: Chris and Ann are moving. - — April: They already moved. - — Andy: They are moving again to China...town in France. - — April: No! - — Andy: Okay! Fine do you really wanna know? - — April: Yes! - — Andy: Leslie. Is. A spy. - — April: No. - — Andy: Tom has something wrong with his butt. - — April: Oh my God. -% - — Leslie: Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert -right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who -just hit triple cherries in her uterus. - — Ben: We're screwed. -% - — Ben: Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars! - — Leslie: Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of -my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like -To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time. -% - — April: Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret -anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but -if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you. - — Andy: It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to -keep my word. - -[April shrugs] - - — Andy: But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell -you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready? - — April: Okay! - -[Leslie & Ben walk in] - - — Leslie: Everybody if you could gather around! - — Andy: [pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!! -% - — Ben: You're ready? - — Leslie: Not at all. But that's never stopped us before. -% -— Jamm: Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted. - — Leslie: Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact -with you again. - — Jamm: I missed you too. -% - — Leslie: Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all -the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust -my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel -vision about achieving my goals. -% -[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee] - - — Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to -apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, -we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los -Angeles not a wine. - — Joan: Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing? - — Ben: No because he's been famously dead for 60 years. - — Joan: WHAT!? -% - — Tom: Round of drinks for everyone on the house!! - — Andy: Yeah!! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. -And a spaghetti to go. On the house!! -% - — Joan: [Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham... - — Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman. -% - — Ron: How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience -with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and -land. - — Leslie: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!! -% - — Leslie: I didn't even get a chance to say my plan! - — Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan? - — Leslie: Please don't say Hitler- - — Jamm: Adolf Hitler! -% - — Leslie: Ron! What did you do!? - — Ron: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote. - — Leslie: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away -from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and -Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!! -% - — Leslie: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you -have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that. - — Jamm: Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat -steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest. - — Leslie: I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems -like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You -love Porschs and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card. - — Jamm: Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know -it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly -sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right! - -[Jamm breaks down crying] - - — Jamm: Oh God! - — Leslie: Oh boy... - — Jamm: Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought -so! - — Leslie: Well... - — Jamm: [Crying] Oh God! Oh God! - — Leslie: Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken -you! You need to get away from her! - -[Jamm pulls some of his hair out] - - — Jamm: Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!! - -[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically] -% - — Leslie: Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can -resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] -Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you -say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh? - — Jamm: [whispering] Do it! - — Ron: There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the -pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! -% - — Leslie: [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've -got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get -gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder] - — Ron: This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye! -% -[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two] - - — Tammy Two: Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies? - — Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up. - — Tammy Two: Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to -you? - — Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the -steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper. - — Tammy Two: [In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby! - — Leslie: We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do? - — Jamm: I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY! - — Leslie: Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible... -% - — Jamm: It's over Tammy. - — Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we -consummate our relationship tonight!? - -[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of -the library] - - — Tammy Two: Huh? Let's do it! - — Ron: Oh ho ho and the last card is played! - — Leslie: What are you doing!? - — Random Lady: Shhh! This is a library! - — Leslie: Do you see what's happening here!?! -% - — Jamm: Ron I need that crotch blinder! - — Ron: No you don't! Just end it! - — Tammy Two: Look at my boobs. - — Jamm: No! - — Tammy Two: Look downstairs. - — Jamm: No! - — Tammy Two: There's a prize inside for you. - — Jamm: It's over Tammy. - — Tammy Two: What!? - — Jamm: To Hell with you woman. Goodbye! - -[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over -bookshelves] - - — Tammy Two: HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK!! THEY ALL -COME BACK!! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!! - — Ron: Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all -along. - — Tammy Two: COME ON EVERYBODY!! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!! -% -[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until -they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why -Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.] - - — Leslie: Ron, what are you doing? - — Ron: I know I saw it. Aha! - -[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.] - - — Ron: Detonator... - -[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the -Parks Department.] - - — Ron: The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago... - -[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore -in front of it.] - - — Ron: I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out -of here! - — Leslie: Ron, just...wait a second... - — Ron: No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the -right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and -walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution! - — Leslie: There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that... - — Ron: Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE! - -[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases -confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."] - - — Leslie: Ooh! - -[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.] - - — Leslie: I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks -Director. - — Ron: [slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially -defused claymore mine. - — Leslie: Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I -filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such. - — Ron: You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years? - — Leslie: You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on -your desk? -% - — Ron: You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you. - — Leslie: Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there -is. - — Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had -become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good -to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, -Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. -So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision. - -[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office] - - — Leslie: Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson? - — Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry. - — Larry: Uh, it's Terry now. - — Ron: OK. As luck would have it- - -[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate] - - — Leslie: Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the -northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting -forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, -this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug? - — Ron: Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. -Tomorrow? - — Leslie: I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30. - — Ron: Excellent. See ya then. - — Leslie: OK! - — April: So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in -Washington to prep. - — Leslie: Oh my God, really? - — April: Yep. - — Leslie: OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, -meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey -babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids? - -[cuts back to 2017] - - — Leslie: Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch. - — Ron: You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure -out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic. - — Leslie: Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes -silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have -lunch. Ron, you were going-? - — Ron: I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just -saying it out loud feels dirty. - — Leslie: You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third -floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have -been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have -been a better friend to you. - — Ron: Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence -that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I -love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside... - — Leslie: Your metaphors are so beautiful. - — Ron: ...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like -explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we -had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar -development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had -a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I -looked around this office, nothing was the same. - — Leslie: Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that. - -[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, -and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there] -% - — Ron: Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food? - — Leslie: People are idiots, Ron. -% - — Leslie: Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago -when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a -fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical -Waste Butt-Sweat Grove. -% - — Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but -planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, -vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig. -% - — Donna: The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My -cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote -her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended -at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an -international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that -flatware. -% - — Leslie: Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going -to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you. - — Roz: Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're -gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds?! [the kids -run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!!? - — Leslie: [to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're -tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children. - — Ben: Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you. - — Leslie: I love you more than Ben. - — Ben: ... - — Leslie: I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But -if you left me...I would never recover. - — Roz: [touched] Thanks. That helps. -% - — Ben: Things aren't that chaotic. - — Roz: [running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke -everything you own! - -[loud crash in the background] - - — Roz: I don't know what that was. -% - — Gayle: Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is -giving his lady friend a gift. - — Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day. - — Gayle: Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you! - — Jerry: Oh sweetie!! - — Ron: Control yourselves Gergichs!!! -% -[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by] - - — Jen: Whoa! What was that!!? That was huge!! -% - — Roz: Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of -Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at. - — Jen: I mean this is chaos. -% - — Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive but -seem aggressive. I feel like there should a be a term for that like -"Nicey-Meany." - — April: Yeah I just had to physically separate two 80-year-old men who were -arguing about whether it was really Lena Horne in that grocery store in 1970. -% - — Andy: Here are all the troublemakers boss. - — April: Thank you. Meagles! I am not screwing around! Okay!? Lauren, no -more discussion of Majorca. Majorca is off limits! Brian and Gloria, stop -making Horatio feel bad that your daughter went to Yale, no one gives a shit!! -And Ginuwine... - — Ginuwine: ...Yes? - — April: Get it together! - — Ginuwine: [crying] Sorry April, Cathy started this. - — April: [mocking] Cathy started this-I DON'T CARE!! -% - — Leslie: Babe you are killing it! - — Ben: I am right!? - — Leslie: Yes!! - — Ben: Even just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one! Oh also -I have a little secret, I'm drunk! - — Leslie: I am too! Ever since we had our kids it only takes like one sip of -wine! - — Ben: I feel so good and condifent...con...I feel condifent. -% - — Ben: [drunk] Hey everybody! I'm Ben Wyatt! Listen, we of course are here -to celebrate Donna and Joe and I have to say you know getting married is the -bravest most wonderful thing you can do. Because everyday you come home and -your just like "What!? It's you!! I love you!! You're my sexy roommate!! We -love each other!!" - — Leslie: Wooo!! He's talkin about me!! - — Ben: Yes I am baby doll!! Look. Donna and Joe are great! You all, are -great! And this wedding, is gonna be amazing! Let's get some music and dancing -going. And I am Ben Wyatt and I very much APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!!! - -[music starts playing and Leslie and Ben start drunk dancing] - - — April: You want me to shut that down? - — Donna: No I liked it. Let the little man dance. -% - — Ben: Oh God I'm remembering things. We called Jen last night didn't we? - — Leslie: Yeah we did. I also called 867-5309 a hundred times. -% - — Jen: You left me four messages last night. - — Ben: What? - — Jen: They contain very specific policy positions. - -[Jen holds up her phone] - - — Ben: [over phone] I wanna come out strong on education then I'll tack hard -into fiscal responsibility! - — Ben: Oh God... - — Leslie: [over phone] 867-5309!!! - — Jen: I love that song. - — Leslie: [over phone] Jenny I got your numb- Hey babe it's ringing!!! - — Leslie: Wow honey you were a lot more lucid than I was. - — Jen: Wait, were you guys drunk? That is hilarious! Oh you guys are gonna -fit in so great in Washington. Most of Congress is drunk all of the time. -% - — Leslie: Oh my God! Oh! Look how beautiful you look!! - — Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet. - — Leslie: [crying] But you're gonna be very soon! - — Donna: Alright I wanna say something to my girls. Knope, your a softie but -on the inside you are straight up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. Ya'll -inspire me and I love you. And you too Michelle. - -[Michelle walks up] - - — Donna: Michelle. You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost -touch because you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never -gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this -wedding gonna be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told ya you were -never gonna walk again so this should be easy right? - — Leslie: Wow what a complicated tapestry that is! -% - — Garry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are -finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed. -% - — Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged -brother, Levandrious!! - -[gasps from the crowd] - - — Levandrious: What's up girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your -wedding huh? Well I'm here despite what you did to me all those years ago. - — Donna: What I did!?! This is because of what YOU did!! - — Levandrious: Oh you must be referring to the microwave incident. - — Donna: Yeah! - — Levandrious: Don't worry. I brought it back. - -[Levandrious picks up a microwave and throws it on the ground] - - — Levandrious: Now no-one gets any popcorn! - -[Donna looks at April and smiles] -% - — Leslie: What did I do wrong now? - — Elise Yartkin: No, actually we at the IOW loved what you said in your -speech. - — Leslie: Really!? - — Elise Yartkin: But, what we loved even more was how you, Ben gave Leslie a -platform on which to speak her mind. Congratulations Ben Wyatt. You are this -year's IOW Woman of the Year. - — Leslie: Son of a bitch!! -% - — Ron: [In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your -construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. -% -[Leslie, who has a longstanding hatred for libraries and librarians, has just -had a library named after her.] - - — Leslie: [muttering] A fucking library? -% -[The series' last lines] - - — Ben: You ready, babe? - — Leslie: Yes. I'm ready. -% |