diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'iasip')
| -rw-r--r-- | iasip | 945 |
1 files changed, 945 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/iasip b/iasip new file mode 100644 index 000000000000..4a9016d6ec20 --- /dev/null +++ b/iasip @@ -0,0 +1,945 @@ +Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of +photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, what's the point? +% +Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this? + [all look over at Dennis] +Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh? +Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling +all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you +guys so much? +Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know +why? Uhh... because you're an asshole! +% +Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God! +Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking? +Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth +into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good. +Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable. +Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself. +% +Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay. +Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you +are. +Dennis: Pff...sucks for me. +% +Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this. +Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking. +Charlie: I guess. +Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, +hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, +right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch +of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park. +Charlie: That is true. +Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or +murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park. +Dee: Hello, Stephen. +Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a +tree on Kelly Drive. +Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy +talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, +you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion. +Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad. +Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? +Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social +responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment! +Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed. +% +Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before. +Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow. +Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school? +Trey: I was eight. +Dee: Right...Yeah... +% +Dennis: I don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go? +Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue. +Dennis: Why? +Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape +Bar." +% +Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have +cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to +start dating, and that's the way the lie works! +Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do! +Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then! +Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us! +Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an +omelet. +Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet? +Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg. +Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now? +Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs! +Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now! +Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom! +% +Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun. +Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun. +Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you. +Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you +get me a nurse? +Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits] +Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun. +Mac: No way! +Dennis:[pulls gun out of his pants] Never. +% +Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player. +Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up +there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm. +Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm. +Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy. +% +Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and +scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all +their inside business. +% +Charlie: OK, OK. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested +and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You assholes are securing +your places in hell. +Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice. +% +Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all? +Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort +of off the hook completely. +Dennis: That's great! +Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked? +Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying. +Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: +Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all. +Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks +that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in +the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while. +Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward. +Dee: God, we're good. Doctor. +Dennis: Doctor. +% +Dennis: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing? +Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people. +Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the +fish tank. +Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose? +Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can +carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't. +Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak. +Dennis: That doesn't make any sense. +Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense. +% +Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy +all over it. +Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking. +Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn. +Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened? +Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam, that's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch! +% +Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog. +Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you +running errands for her. She's good. She is good! +Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog. +Frank: I don't have the dog. +Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor? +Frank: [long pause] Yes. +% +Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and +cleaning and raising your children? +Frank: A series of Mexican women. +Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire. +% +Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am +promoting you to management. +Charlie: That's why I did it. +Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get? +Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief. +Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair... +Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad? +Frank: Because you're crackheads, children. +% +Dennis: Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. +I'd like some welfare, please. +% +Mac: Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me! +Charlie: Interesting... +Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, +but I think I wanna bang her, man. I know I shouldn't do it... +Charlie: I think you should do it! +Mac: What? +Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right? +Mac: Right! +Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers. +Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis' and Dee's Mom... +Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out. +Mac: That doesn't make any sense... +Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense! +Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it! +% +Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh... +Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that. +Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him! +Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe +work the body a little? +Dennis: I was gonna... +Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It +doesn't unbang your Mom. +% +Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup. +Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch! +Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies. +Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies +Sweet Dee: What did you say you little bitch! +% +Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not... +Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the +bag?! +% +Frank: Hey gang, what's the action? +Dennis: What's going on here? +Frank: Asians love gambling! +Sweet Dee: You know these guys? +Frank: Yeah, from Nam. +Mac: You were in Vietnam? +Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip. +% +Dennis: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse +than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you. +% +Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a +man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha. +% +Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that +stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. +So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out. +% +Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and +attractive. We have to pretend you're both! +Dee: Wow, you're a horrible father. +% +Lady: Are you going to take care of the crime problem here? +Dennis: Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them +fight the terrorists. +Lady: You're very handsome. +Dennis: Thank you ha ha. +Charlie: This is going very, very well man. +Dennis: I know people are really responding to me. +Charlie: They love the bone structure. +Mac: [walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been +thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help. +Charlie: What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back +in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do. +Dennis: Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself. +Mac: Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do? +Charlie: "What should I do"? Strike one, buddy. +Dennis: You gotta bring something to the table, Mac. +Mac: All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] +Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby. +Woman: Oh, thank you. +Mac: Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if +that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it. +Woman: Excuse me? +Mac: Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool. +Woman: You know, I'd rather not. +Mac: [stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good +for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby. +Woman: You know what? Please leave me alone. +Mac: OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible. +Woman: I said no! +Mac: Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller] +Woman: Somebody help me! +Charlie: This is campaign suicide, dude... +Dennis: Let's get out of here. +% +Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away +from me. +Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop! +Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop! +% +Dee: I am not a failure! +Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't +succeed? +Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure. +% +Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in +the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick +some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, +I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!! +% +Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass? +Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass! +Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to +shove anything up our asses! +% +Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers. +Dennis: You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning! +Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant. +% +Frank: After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion. +Charlie: Really? +Frank: Yeah, yeah. +Charlie: Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't +tell you. +Frank: She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, +because your mother was a giant whore. +% +Tanning Employee: You want to put your baby into a tanning bed? +Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes. +Dee: Just to get a base. +Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base. +% +Frank: This is going to be exactly like Woodstock. +Dee: Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your +cousin's Winnebago for 3 days? +Frank: Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The +memory haunts me. +% +Frank: I'm startin' to feel it. +Charlie: I bet you are, bud. +Frank: I'm feelin' weird. +Charlie: Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird. +Frank: The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump. +Charlie: That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude. +Frank: I gotta go. +Charlie: Then go. +Frank: The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in. +Charlie: Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude. +Frank: I don't know, that might bring back bad memories. +Charlie: Oh my God. +Frank: I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'? +Charlie: Annoyed. +Frank: Nothin' kickin' in yet? +Charlie: What are you talking about, the beer? +Frank: No, the acid. +Charlie: I did not take any acid, remember? +Frank: [laughing] Oh yeah you did. +Charlie: What are you talking about? +Frank: I put a shitload of it in your beer. +Charlie: What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?! +Frank: Yeah. +Charlie: I drank all that shit, dude! +Frank: That's OK. +Charlie: There was like a ton of acid in there! +Frank: Yeah! +Charlie: Why would you do that?! +Frank: I don't wanna be the only one trippin'. +Charlie: O Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so +dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I +want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, +Margaret? +% +Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and +fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way. +% +Frank: I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha! +Dennis: Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank. +Frank: I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! +Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne] +% +Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you. +Dennis: That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good +time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother? +Dee: No, just get to the reading part. +Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go. +Lawyer: All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds? +Frank: Yo! +Lawyer: OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] +"Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know +that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children." +Dennis: What?! +Dee: What?! +Frank: Bruce Mathis?! +Lawyer: [reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis." +Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!? +Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document. +Dee: Why are you giving it to him?! +Lawyer: I'm not-- +Dee: She barely even knew him! +Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a +will. +Frank: Where is that rat bastard?! +Lawyer: Sir, I don't know! +Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead! +Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money! +Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, +Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house." +Dennis: Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on. +Lawyer: "...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in." +Dennis: I would never let him in. +Frank: What?! +Lawyer: Deandra? +Dee: Yes. +Lawyer: "You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake." +Dee: A mistake? We're twins. +Lawyer: Yeah... +Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any +sense. +Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense! +Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, +never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead! +Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated. +Frank: You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore! +Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry? +Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be +buried in it. +Dee: Goddamnit... oh goddamnit! +Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave! +Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset +with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow... +Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch! +Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult... +Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude. +Lawyer: You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the +house...that's not how this whole situation works... +Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs] +Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, 'kay. +[Dennis leaves] +Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ. +% +Mac: You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just +buckle down and join the team-- +Dee: Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an +old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And +it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn. +% +Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked +"Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there? +Dennis: I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about? +Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear? +Dennis: I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there." +Charlie: Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in +there? +Dennis: You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit. +% +Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out. +Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work! +Charlie: Why not? +Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead! +Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be? +Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions. +Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap-- +Dennis: They're not ever gonna-- +Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working. +Dennis: Oh, no shit. +Charlie: Well it was worth a try! +Dennis: It was not worth a try. +% +Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude? +Mac: See, that was real news. +Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know? +Mac: Yes. +Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at +cats. +% +[In a retirement home] +Mac: These places are like prison... +Frank: Like people getting their ass raped? +Charlie: What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man! +Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like... +Frank: Because they're getting their ass raped! +% +Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood. +Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'. +Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get +the money. +Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're +talking about being wooed by this corporate guy... +Charlie: How are you going to be wood? +% +Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way +we're totally cool with that. To each his own. +Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink? +Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac. +Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear. +Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough. +Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear. +Dennis: No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact I don't know +what you would be because you're definitely not a twink. +Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure. +Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears? +Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often +than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms. +Frank: What's a power bottom? +Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power. +Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See a power bottom's actually generating all +the power by doing most of the work. +Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom? +Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it. +Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see the speed of the bottom informs the +top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right buddy? +% +Charlie: OK, all right, I'm ready to rock. +Mac: And who are you supposed to be? +Charlie: Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture] +Mac: Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring +book? +Charlie: No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics. +Mac : Whatever, let's just rock. +Frank: Okay, this is what I'm talking about. +Charlie: All right, where's my curtain? +Mac: Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it. +Charlie: I want a curtain blocking my face. +Mac: You don't need one. +Frank: [to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie. +Charlie: All right, ready. +Frank: 5, 6, 7, 8! +Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love +you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I +love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your +strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I +become the Night Man. +Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was +kind of cool, but what's with the second half? +Charlie: It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I +become the spirit of the Night Man. +Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you. +Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just +two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing +each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, +and one is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's screaming a passionate shout. +It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I +can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I +become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man. +Mac: We need a new front man... +% +Charlie: [singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in +a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, +starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint] +Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces. +Charlie: Hello, come right in! +Dennis: I will. +Charlie: What happened to your band? +Dennis: Kicked me out. +Charlie: [laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it? +Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains? +Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness. +Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, +notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man? +Charlie: Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex] +Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up... +Charlie: No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing] +Dennis: I never know, man. +% +Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw. +Dee: What? +Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag? +Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful +dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw. +Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by. +Sweet Dee: I don't get it...at all. +% +Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired and I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this +whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into an +alternate personality and go on a serial killing rampage? +Mac: What? No! +Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him +out. +Mac: Let who out? +Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out! +Mac: I'm not a serial killer! +Frank: Then why all the shady behavior? +Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out! +Charlie: No, you've been...what?! +% +Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, +and somebody that will do everything I say. +Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid? +Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. +% +Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we +prepared? +Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked +people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy. +Wendell: All right, I get it. +Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster! +Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, OK? +Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney. +Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on. +Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it. +Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave? +Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door] +% +Dee: What about you, Dennis? +Dennis: Well I... +Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now. +Mac: Good. +Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, OK? +Frank: Yes, he is. +Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very +important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion. +Mac: To dudes? +Charlie: To guys or... +Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want +to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me. +Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes. +% +Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money. +Dee: What?! +Charlie: Yes, I did. +Dee': No, you didn't. +Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that? +Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from +history times. +% +Dennis: You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?! +Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got. +[He slaps Dennis again] +Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me? +Frank: Don't talk back to me. +Dennis: OK, sorry. +Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not +going to let anything bad happen to you. +Dennis: You promise? +Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, OK? +You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, OK? +Dennis: OK. +% +Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob +because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs! +% +[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed] +Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man. +% +Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people +are counting on the police?! +% +Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude. +Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK? +Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once. +Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean +I don't do it every Friday. +% +Mac: What's up bitches? +Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely? +Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's +brownie] Energy bar. Have some. +Dee: Looks like a shit ball. +Mac: No! It's an energy bar. +Dee: Why's it so heavy and big? +Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit. +% +Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are better left to +the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude! +% +Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man. +Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking. +Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching +through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of +cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath! +[everyone pauses awkwardly] +Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude. +Frank: What? +Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'. +[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once] +Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your +life in the way of John Rambo's life. +% +Charlie: Ya best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'! +Dennis: You better leave because she called the cops. +Mac: Why's he talking like that? +Dennis: Because the wild card decided to lose his damn mind. +Charlie: I say, I say, boy, that's just damn preposterous! +Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn! +% +Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant! +Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor? +Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't +be trusted... +Dee: What are you expecting to find? +Frank: Lot of shady shit. +Dee: Like what? +Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes! +Dee: Why would that be shady? +Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies! +Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!! +% +Charlie: Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs. +Mac: Why would he not wear a C? +Dennis: I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro. +% +Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the +proportions of Michelangelo's David. You, on the other hand, well, you're a pit of despair. +Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone, and you will never EVER be on that billboard. +% +Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing?...Wake me up if I'm peeing. +% +Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married. +Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank. +Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall. +% +Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth] +Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God. +[Charlie pulls out tooth] +Mac: How? How is that possible?!? +Charlie: I don't know. +Mac: Just put it down. +Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth? +Mac: Put it with the other ones. +Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog. +Charlie: I'll suck it down. +% +Dennis: Yeah, I knew the whole time! During the funeral I heard you rustling through the +air vents. Did you think you were being crafty? You were talking at full volume and looking at +me through the vent. And I saw you outside my window. You know I can see through them?! I was +just getting back at you. +Charlie: Oh. So, Frank, you knew too? +Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew. +Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like +uh...to teach me a lesson or...? +Frank: [Long pause] Yeah +Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing? +% +[In a club] +Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis... I have a bleached asshole... +% +[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop] +Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start! +Dee: No, I didn't. +Artemis: ...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy +whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a +few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you +unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety! +% +Dennis: All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you +can be on your way with all of our stuff. +[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle] +Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that? +Charlie: I just really hate this guy! +% +Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The +headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make +Himself Not Feel So Faggy." +% +Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up! +Dennis: What the hell?! +Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's +house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob +Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song. +Rob: [Inhales] +Sinbad: Shut up! +Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh. +Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that? +Dennis: No, no, no. +Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his +testicles! +Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm +pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats +going on. +Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My +bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, +introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for +you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch! +% +Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker. +% +Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the +new guy. +Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude. +Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s? +Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you. +Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company +millions and they'll be forced to promote me! +Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude? +Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play +that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow". +Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"? +Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika! +% +Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto +a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress? +Mac: What the hell are you talking about? +Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to +prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this. +Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie! +Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about +the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe +Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent +back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! +So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in +the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming +back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! +There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta +dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of +Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I +say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? +There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the +employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town. +Mac: OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these +people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're +talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs. +Charlie: Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen. +Mac: What? +Charlie: We're not gonna get fired. +Mac: We're not? +Charlie: Because we've already been fired. +Mac: We've lost our jobs! +Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one +for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia. +Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means +all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having +a panic attack. +Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have a another cup of coffee? +Mac: I am, bro. +Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's +freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him] +Mac: Huh? Who? +Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia. +Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney? +Charlie: You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the +hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow. +Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!] +% +Charlie: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse. +Dee: He doesn't have a head, Charlie! +% +Dee: [aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready? +Frank: Yes. +Dee: All right. +Frank: Shoot! +Dee: One, two, three.. +Charlie: [comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you +doing!? +Frank: I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna +make us a fortune! +Charlie: All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent. +Frank: Shoot the pumpkin. +Charlie: Do not shoot the pumpkin, please. +Dee: OK. +Charlie: Gimme the gun. +Dee: Fine. +Charlie: Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway? +Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery. +Dee: Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, +and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are. +Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman! +Dee: Oh my God! +Charlie: Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch. +Dee: You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch +and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns! +Charlie: [points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions] +Dee: Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off] +Frank: Gimme that gun! +Charlie: She cursed the gun! +Frank: [aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun! +Charlie: [pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger] +Frank: Nothin'! +Charlie: Try me! [strikes a pose] +Frank: [pulls trigger but still nothing happens] +% +Charlie: [about the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition] That show is basically about +how awesome Sears is! +% +Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world? +Dennis: Hmmmmmmmmm...tacos. +Charlie: Tacos, buddy! +% +Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on. +Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's +see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical +and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about +themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you +something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I +wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap +on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you +want to do? Song or no song? +% +Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll +toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll. +Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel +like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write +"soul", right? +Artemis: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did. +% +Dennis: No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, OK, absolutely, we +could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have +a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so +they wouldn't hear anything..... +Mac: In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces. +Dennis: Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of +twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get +the deed. +Charlie: Right, why get weird? +% +Dennis: Stop it. +Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't" and I'm not saying that you can't. +I'm saying that it is illegal. +Dennis: No, but it's not illegal. +Charlie: Yes..says the guy who knows nothing about the law! +Dennis: I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet bro. It's no different than having a +parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro. +Charlie: You..you really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird +law in this country, it's not governed by reason. +Dennis: There's no such thing as bird law. +Charlie: Yes, there is. +Dennis: You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you. +Charlie: Hummingbirds...Hummingbirds are illegal tender. +Dennis: I'm going to get one. +Charlie: You cannot. +Dennis: To spite you, I'm going to get one. +Mac: Where are we with gulls? +Charlie: You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, +'cuz the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going +to blast your eardrums out, dude. +Dennis: The principle here is that you can have any bird that you want. +% +Lawyer: It is just so nice to see you again Mr Reynolds I see that you're still just.... +horrible. +Frank: Yes, you're horrible too and I hate your tie. +% +Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear. +Charlie: I can't, I just ate it. +Mac: The whole thing? +Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross. +Mac: The stam and then the, and the core?! +Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stam dude! +Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?! +Charlie: Yeah, it was gross. +Mac: Ofcourse it's gross, it's a sticker bro! +Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude! +Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car... +% +Charlie: We're crab people now Dee. +Dee: Crab people charlie? + +[edit] The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention [5.04] + +Dennis: By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine +thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't +feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god +damn place. +% +Frank: I'm wearing clothes now bitch! +% +Charlie: Do wasps make honey? +Dennis: No wasps do not make honey. +Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in +here that wasps do make and I want that. +% +Charlie: Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's +filled with hornets. +% +Dennis: Lets talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what +would that be? +Charlie: Oh, milk-steak. +Denis and Mac simultaneously: Hmm? +Dennis: What? +Charlie: Milk-steak. +Dennis: I’m not putting milk-steak. +Mac: Just put regular steak and then- +Charlie: Don’t put regular steak, put milk-steak, she’ll know what it is. +Dennis: No she won’t know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what’s your +favorite hobby? +Charlie: Uhh…magnets. +Dennis: Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets? +Mac: Playing with magnets? +Charlie: Just magnets. +Dennis: I’m just gonna put snowboarding. We’ll just put snowboarding. +Charlie: I don’t really snowboard. +Dennis: What are some of your likes? +Charlie: Uhh…ghouls +Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about? +Charlie: Just funny little green ghouls. +Dennis: W-What like in movies, or in cartoons? +Charlie: Little green ghouls buddies! +Mac: Don’t write ghouls! +Dennis: I’m not I’m putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes? +Charlie: Peoples knees. +Dennis: Oh come on dude! Come on! +Mac: Bro, yo gotta be kid-you know what we’ll just make it all up. +Dennis: We’ll make the whole thing up. +Mac: We’ll doctor the picture. +Dennis: We aren’t even going to use you for this. +Charlie: Cover your knees up if your gonna be walking around everywhere. |